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Odysseus’s Bow: This man carried me through Ithaca, but left me behind for one of the most famous war in history. Fake friend energy.

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Telemachus Describing His Dad to His Therapist

Telemachus: He’s brave, he’s strong, he’s a hero, but … he also has the impulse control of a toddler with a sword.

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Eurylochus: So, let me get this straight. You want us to row toward the giant whirlpool? Odysseus: Yes. Eurylochus: And avoid the monster that’s going to eat six of us? Odysseus: Exactly. Eurylochus: Have you considered therapy?

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Young Odysseus be like... Pt. 1

Odysseus: Penelope, if I ever get lost, I’ll always find my way back to you. Penelope: Aww, that’s sweet. Athena: He says that now, but give him 10 years and a Cyclops.

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Odysseus: Did you see my swordsmanship? Penelope: I saw you trip over your own feet. Athena: I did too. It was tragic.

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Young Odysseus be like: I’ll be the cleverest king in history, and Penelope…she'll rule beside me.

Athena: Adorable. Also, no. You’ll be a headache for decades.

Odysseus: A legendary headache!

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Penelope Watching Odysseus Show Off

Odysseus: [ dramatically throws a spear and nails the target ]

Penelope: You do realize I don’t care, right?

Odysseus: Yeah, but … did you see it?

Penelope: I literally just said I don’t care.

Athena, whispering to Penelope: He’s trying so hard. Maybe clap or something.

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Telemachus: Did you bring me anything for Christmas?

Odysseus: I brought the gift of my return.

Telemachus: So… no?

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Suitors: Marry us, Penelope. Penelope: Oh noooooo, the tapestry is ruined again! Guess I’ll have to start over. My bad.

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Telemachus: So you left for war, fought a Cyclops, got shipwrecked, hung out with witches, heard some sirens, and then came home to kill 108 men in my living room? Odysseus: That’s the short version. Telemachus: I need therapy.

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Odysseus: Was I cursed? Was I tested by the gods? Did I make bad decisions? Athena: Yes to all three.

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Telemachus: Why did it take you 20 years to get home?

Odysseus: So there was a war, and then there were sirens, and then a Cyclops, and then Calypso, and then—

Telemachus: Okay, just say you got lost.

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Odysseus, Everywhere He Goes

Locals: Who are you?

Odysseus: Glad you asked. My name’s Odysseus, King of Ithaca, winner of the Trojan War, father of Telemachus, guy who blinded Polyphemus—

Athena, facepalming in the distance: PLEASE stop oversharing.

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Athena: Look, I can guide you. I can bless you. I can even disguise you. But I can’t stop you from being ✨stupid✨.

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Telemachus: What if I’m not as great as my dad? Athena: Your dad spent 20 years making bad choices. The bar isn’t that high, babe.

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Telemachus: I don’t know if I’m ready for this. Athena: You’ve been sulking for 20 years. It’s time for ✨growth✨. Telemachus: But what if they laugh at me? Athena: Then you hit them with a spear. Next question.

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Telemachus: Do you think dads are worth it?” Philip: Mine ruined his life and got me killed. Telemachus: Mine abandoned me for two decades. Both: ...We definitely need that therapy group.