abyxxs

[abyxxs]

I don't want to be awake. Our cats got me up to be fed and I wish I could have slept instead!!!

[abyxxs]

[abyxxs]

I am ignoring your obvious attempt to irritate me and listening to the actually useful part of what you said, which is that I really don't understand or empathize. I want to get over our emotions immediately and start Doing things again. It is frustrating.

I am recognizing that thing I do, where instead of knowing there is even a problem (and employing problem-solving skills), I end up playing computer games endlessly. I believe it's a way of asserting control over what I do with my time? And ignoring the cost to my sleep hygiene.

I don't know what to do about this because before, we would just bully each other to assert control. Now that we are trying to be more cooperative, I feel like my hands are tied. I... guess the next step is asking that part of me why they are doing this. (They probably don't want to talk about it, though.)

(What is currently stressing us out to the point that we are compulsively playing games to stop thinking about it? )

[abyxxs]

I am recognizing that thing I do, where instead of knowing there is even a problem (and employing problem-solving skills), I end up playing computer games endlessly. I believe it's a way of asserting control over what I do with my time? And ignoring the cost to my sleep hygiene.

I don't know what to do about this because before, we would just bully each other to assert control. Now that we are trying to be more cooperative, I feel like my hands are tied. I... guess the next step is asking that part of me why they are doing this. (They probably don't want to talk about it, though.)

(What is currently stressing us out to the point that we are compulsively playing games to stop thinking about it? )

[abyxxs]

[abyxxs]

Towards the light

[abyxxs]

i like people who just let me be quiet.

[abyxxs]

Sleepy. Mind racing. Want to rest, but then body feels antsy. Frustrating, but tolerable.

[abyxxs]

make love to madness,

but marry merit

[abyxxs]

The most terrifying part of having memory issues is when you can feel something from 5 seconds ago be thrown out the window and there's an empty hole where it once was. You remember that you forgot something.

[abyxxs]

disordered heart and disordered mind

[abyxxs]

[abyxxs]

[abyxxs]

Decathect To withdraw one’s feelings of attachment, as in anticipation of a future loss.

[abyxxs]

Anandhika

[abyxxs]

It's interesting, writing about the void and emptiness from such a negative perspective, while also studying Buddhism, which talks about emptiness being one of the doors of liberation.

It makes me wonder if I can repurpose this quality of mine. It feels foreign, welcoming in this quality of lightness. For so long, I have been an embodiment of heavy fog, to blind myself from the stark agony within. It feels strange, placing trust in aspects of myself that I deemed unwise and sometimes even dangerous.

It is unfamiliar territory for me. I will explore it at my own pace.

[abyxxs]

I wanted nothing to do with that world. I didn't understand it and I didn't want to. That didn't stop it from existing, however. Ignorance would not have kept me safe. I had to learn to recognize the signs or else fall prey. I had to be aware.

I didn't want anything to do with the yawning maw of terror it opened up within me. Not looking into the void would not have stopped it from being able to reach me, though. I became emptiness incarnate as a protective measure. This merely kept the wound in stasis. The pain remained, for the world kept turning and each time it brushed against me, I screamed in silence. I tried to keep it all contained within the void I was becoming. This only fed the maw. It continued to hunger. I came to realize it would always hunger, as is the nature of placing a thing in stasis.

Years passed. Many methods were employed, all ultimately following the same governing principle of contain and displace. It took many failures to recognize that stasis could not be a long term strategy.

But what would the alternative look like? Approach the void and risk annihilation? Did I dare?