abysmalsealavender

[abysmalsealavender]

in dedication to summer rain and the smell of petrichor

[abysmalsealavender]

there are crumbs in my sheets, scabs on my skin.

the bags under my eyes hang heavy, like wet denim. i just want to crawl back into your bed, your arms feel weightless again.

everything is heavy now. my eyelashes are dry from salted tears, and my bones feel like they’re cracking under the weight of my anguish. i miss you, you’re not gone but you’re not here. a ghost inhabiting what once was a soul brighter than i’ll ever know. where did you go my angel, i miss you and i want you to come home. the nights are hard, i reach for you and find nothing but an empty space.

yet when you are home you’re so distant. come home please get out of your head, before it consumes you my dear. it’s dangerous in there and you know that full well. be safe while you’re gone don’t worry i’ll be waiting with a light if you get lost in the dark . i’ll always be holding the light incase you need it. i’ll wander through the depths to bring you home, even if it kills me in the process.

[abysmalsealavender]

no matter what i do i what’s always end up alone it’s exhausting and i don’t want to do it anymore

[abysmalsealavender]

hmm. maybe u were put on this earth to make art and write bad poetry and create silly little playlists and being kind and maybe tearing up a little bit when you see old people eating alone

[abysmalsealavender]

being an optimist.

sometimes I feel like a vulture. I pick love and joy from scraps like a bird pecking at the sinew between bones of roadkill. I’m just as happy every time I’m brought bags of bones. I’ll still scour them checking incase that haven’t quite been boiled clean. I’ll live like this till I’m diseased, till the rot I eat from poisons me too. maybe I’ll end up being the roadkill for another poor soul. I’m sorry in advance if you end up receiving scraps from me, but it’ll be all I have left. and even in the end I’ll give it my all.

[abysmalsealavender]

collateral

sometimes i think about the it. the destruction that will follow me as i wander to my destination, change in my pockets hoping the ferryman will let me pass. i can’t explain to them why i don’t give a fuck about anything anymore. nothing matters to me at this point expect for my own demise, my suffering. i don’t want to rush it, im not afraid of the thought of being dead i’m afraid of what would happen if i don’t die. i don’t want to see the collateral damage that it would bring dead or alive. im done here i’m just floating but im trapped. like a sort of limbo. the ghosts people talk about aren’t the ones you see on tv they’re people wandering aimlessly through their lives wishing for something to take them out so they don’t have to do it themselves. the destruction in my path is necessary it seems, i can’t escape it no matter what i do. im chained up in a rotting cell, this isn’t what i want but what i want is long gone. i lie to myself everyday pretending hope is something that i have. but the lord knows im doomed and so do i deep down. i’ve believed in a god not even as a kid and i wonder if that’s where i went wrong, if i’d be happier if i had grown with religion or if it would’ve just poisoned me more. if there’s anything to believe in its not my job. i wonder if the love i have in my soul is true if it’s real or just another thing i’ve cooked up to convince myself things will be okay. a nihilistic outlook is easier it seems and maybe i just have to return to my former self in that way. i tried to be better for so long but i’m worse than i’ve ever been in my head. everyday is swallowing me there’s no creativity in my blood anymore im starting to wonder if it doesn’t exist anymore i’ve lost it completely. im so angry and yet completely numb at the same time. i call my dad and get i have nothing to say i feel bad i miss him and yet i feel nothing at the same time. im so disconnected from myself and i can’t fix it. im ready to leave i just can’t bring myself to do it yet.

[abysmalsealavender]

need me a mf who will hide my body here

[abysmalsealavender]

[abysmalsealavender]

so thankful for my homies when shit gets tough

its true that romance amd friendship will not solve everything but. objectively speaking its very hard to get sad when you can say 'lets go get cake tomorrow okay' and someone will go get cake with you. like there is some good at least. you know

[abysmalsealavender]

everyone hates orange until they actually see her in context. "oh it's such an ugly color, too bright!" look at sunsets and autumn, look at campfires and deserts. she's the most beautiful and special part of the scene. now apologize.

[abysmalsealavender]

[via]

[abysmalsealavender]

i never loved summer until i loved you

[abysmalsealavender]

if i am cut from tarnished cloth, like i’ve been lead to believe. i’d hope and pray you’d help me mend it, patch over the stains and create something new something clean and safe.

[abysmalsealavender]

this world is full of girls who’s love will never be comparable to anyone else’s and they’re all correct.

[abysmalsealavender]

A refreshing snack!

[abysmalsealavender]

there is so much hatred in my bones. anger crawls under my skin like scabies i want to claw it out of me. the rage that bubbles within each day exhausts me i wish i could destroy it. stop it from existing. break it down to absolute nothing. i wish i could win against this fucking disgusting feeling but i worry i will be trapped in this battle forever. until my soul leaves my body. until i am one with the dirt and worms. destroying myself seems easier than putting up with this bullshit for much longer. i’ll never be free of the hatred but i can’t let it consume me.

[abysmalsealavender]

i often wonder if i’m cut from tarnished cloth. i worry the suffering i inflict on others inherited and inescapable. the more i learn about my bloodline the more i wish to drain it from my veins. i wish i could do a complete and utter stripping of the evil that grows in my bones but i worry that all the hydrogen peroxide in the world couldn’t remove the stains of my family. i wish i could carve out the poisonous chunks like the eyes of a potato. unfortunately i am human and that will only leave scars that prove the poison is a part of me. it feels untreatable. self disgust is ever present within me, i just wish it wasn’t logical. it makes sense that i hate myself with everything i’ve done. how am i meant to seek forgiveness within myself when i don’t think i could ever forgive the things i’ve done. loss is not something that would be experienced at my demise in this current time. it’s exhausting being like this and i worry i’ll never get these stains out of my soul.