abigailthornsby

[abigailthornsby]

Once again

people will be annoyed or offended by me but I don't really care anymore, why make the world a better place when people prove they don't deserve it.

[abigailthornsby]

A little bit about my DR (1)

I want to go to a new reality (one that I created) and one of the things I included was that it is bigger than our world, and I feel a bit unsure about it, since I want to still create more concepts for the world and I am not sure how much fun it'll be but I am hoping to enjoy it

[abigailthornsby]

You can be abusive without NPD

Stop treating NPD as evil or devious. I am not okay rn.

[abigailthornsby]

The fear of people seeing me and me seeing other people

I can't help it lately but I am starting to feel disgusted with seeing other people, I wish I didn't have to see people on a physical level, I wish I could just not see people when they talk to me, I wish I couldn't feel a thing.

I used to know a sweet girl, someone I could have been friends with me, I know she would be disappointed with me and feel shocked if she knew me on a more personal level. Why am I so morbid? I truly believe I am all negativistic in the way I view things, everything is a means to an end.

[abigailthornsby]

I can't help but get attached

I need someone to lean on but most people don't let me, they see me as pathetic or stupid. People I trusted have made me feel betrayed, and they have betrayed my trust. I don't need them anyway, they can get away from me, their just liars! all of them! why would I want anything to exist? I want to be a void, I want to be nothing but something enough for people to ignore me, I feel like a shell, I feel like I am hollow inside, except for a rotten insidious true self to shine a lot on, and to make destruction....

[abigailthornsby]

Ableism - why do I even try?

No one is thinking critically anymore about what they consume all because the people seem "fair" but does that really matter? If I am screaming and crying, and I need to be heard, I want to hurt myself and others then I am seen as immature but I am not, please, I am begging for people to listen to me, why are people so intimidating? why does everything feel like they'll judge me, and I can't do anything about it, what do they say about me when I am not there, am I so insignificant to their lives that they don't even acknowledge me? Are they lying about me?

[abigailthornsby]

I am not getting better

I don't know how to actually speak up for my wants, I can't to put it simply and I want to get better in the way of being more independent and being able to care for myself but also get worse in a way that people will actually notice and I won't have to resort to harming myself

[abigailthornsby]

NPD IS NOT AN EXCUSE

STOP USING PEOPLE WITH NPD TO COMPARE THEM TO ABUSERS! THAT IS NOT OKAY, THAT SHOULD NEVER BE OKAY! "NARC ABUSE" DOES NOT EXIST, NARCISSISTS CAN GET ABUSED, JUST BECAUSE YOUR SEEN AS HAVING THE NORMAL/NON MENTALLY ILL REACTION DOES NOT MEAN YOUR ABOVE PEOPLE, AND DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD DISREGARD NARCISSISTS BASIC RIGHTS

[abigailthornsby]

I hate to say this but I have to get along with Radqueers and label myself as one just to get some feeling of being normal, some acceptance for my own issues, and some decent human respect without being labeled "the worst" for people to understand I don't want to get better because then no one will love me, if I get better everyone is going to leave me behind, I am bland and boring, I am so annoying and no one will ever love me, no one will ever want me ever if they won't be sympathetic to me.

[abigailthornsby]

"RCTA is racist"

that is not what its actually called, but go off on how I should be "grateful" for my fucking existence when no one loves me and I want to peel all my skin off, tell me that I should "love my deadrace" go ahead, so tell me I am mocking transhood despite being trans masc myself, go ahead and tell me "I'm Racist" despite the only reason I am in this position is because I was trying to be good enough, to fit in, with other races but so many people just liked to play with my feelings, go gaslight me more, there is nothing going to get better, stop acting like my feelings are inconsequencal that I am not allowed to feel depressed, and that I could never relate to other races or that depression must be different for other races, you want to keep me inside my own head.

[abigailthornsby]

"White people can't face racism"

can you go fuck yourself? I am sick of living like this, my skin is so gross and I want to purge my insides clean but nothing will make me pure enough, I am disgusting from the inside out, no one should love me. No one gives a shit, and fuck everyone who thinks I am trying to be 'edgy" I WANT TO LIVE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WITH NONE OF THE BULLSHIT OF WANTING TO TEAR OUT MY SKIN

[abigailthornsby]

I can't trust anyone anymore

No one will ever love me, and people don't understand that I do want to mutilate myself, not because I am transgender but because no one ever will give me sympathy if I don't hurt myself. Does no one give a shit about me? Its obvious, and I don't need this "average person" bullshit, your all the same.

[abigailthornsby]

How we as the trans community form discussion and refer to ourselves (pt.1)

DISCLAIMER: I HAVE NO INTENT TO BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO BEGINS TO TALK ABOUT THE COMMUNITY IN A POSITIVE LIGHT BUT THEN RETRACTS THEIR STATEMENTS AND SAY THEY DISAGREE WITH "TRANSGENDERISM" (I personally believe transgenderism is a belief but instead of it being defined as it usually would be by transphobes I believe it actually is meant to mean that the person using the word to describe transgender people is wrongfully assuming that transgender people actually do not exist therefore they make bold claims without realizing that they are calling the trans person cisgender.)

1 ) We often make statements that ranks the level of trauma or abuse that another trans person may go through, such as stating that POC trans people have it harder which in circumstances can be true but does not mean that White trans people automatically have it way easier and do not ever struggle since if we think of it through a perspective that highlights the transphobia trans people receive then either way transphobes will still be transphobic even if they are not racist

2) 'I am a he'/'I am a she'/other - I know this isn't really an issue but it still may be confusing to some people who don't understand how to use pronouns

3) shortening answers when explaining to cisgender people, repeating the same short answers when a cisgender person asks a question about transhood is too normal and there isn't room for improvement if we don't allow it. Yes, transhood should be in itself not politized but since it is we need to actually improve our techniques in which we explain things as to not push others away who could be beneficial or safe for us to be around.

[abigailthornsby]

Explaining transhood through logic

This is intended to help explain transhood and trans identities. Okay so people know that males and females exist (I am not using female to exclusively describe cis women who can reproduce as that feels old-dated and has been used by incels to degrade womanhood.) This means that transition exists as if only one gender existed there would be nothing to transition to as currently we are discussing two genders. Now if we use our logical thinking skills it would make sense if someone could be both, here is where intersex comes in. An intersex person is neither male nor female but can be a mixture of two and someone who grows up intersex and still identifies as intersex into adulthood could be referred to as not fitting a defined form of either of the two genders that we have previously discussed. Now this is where the nonbinary spectrum comes in since if an intersex person can live there life identifying as intersex then others would be able to reject being singularly labeled as male or female making the person nonbinary by default if not intersex.

Gender is also fluid creating gender fluidity and the term gender fluid that some individuals use to describe their gender because their gender is fluid.