abcthought

[abcthought]

Hmmm I don’t know what to say.

To read that you felt you have been abandoned by Ven and myself felt really strange and almost insulting right off the bat. But I realize you and I do not know each other and your view seems skewed by that. I’m writing this out not for you to attack but to understand my feelings and maybe cut us some slack when you reference our “abandonment”.

My relationship with the family is strained. And it has always been, since I was a baby. My father and my mom did not have a great relationship. My mom was pregnant with me at 20 years old, and my dad 19 (I think). We lived with grandma and grandpa for a while. Aunt Jissel was like 15 and your dad was also super young. But idk if you know this but the relationship between my parents was violent and turbulent. They fought constantly, my dad did drugs, my mom did drugs, she went to jail, he went to jail, her parents disowned her, and lots of other messed up stuff. My great grandma was actually the one to bail out my mom. She had no parental support at all. My grandma and grandpa were genuinely all we had for a part of our life. Until they couldn’t be anymore.

My dad punched my mom in the face during a violent fight. I saw the whole thing. I was about three, maybe four years old. My dad punched my mom and broke her nose. Blood splattered everywhere. She was screaming, I was screaming, my dad was demonic. I remember my mom bent over the sink, sobbing and sobbing. I remember running to find my little sister, so we could hide. I was so scared of him. My mom ran to my sister and I, grabbed us as quickly as she could, and ran for the car. I remember my mom holding me, as she ran down the stairs. Here I am, getting buckled into a car seat with my father, literally shouting from the apartment stairs, threatening my mom.

She was finally able to move in with her parents, my grandparents. My mom was suddenly a very young single mother. At like 23 years old... with two toddlers. Not to mention she suffered a miscarriage from my father sometime before this. She was put through the ringer. I don’t remember much on why or how we were allowed to see him again, but they would meet at a McDonald’s in Fontana, off of cherry and foothill. Then my dad would bring us over to gma and gpas house. I used to play all the time over there with your dad and uncle Bobby even. You were born shortly after, and we would visit as much as we could. Except my dad would sometimes not show up to pick us up. My mom told me that we would cry and cry, not understanding what was happening or why he wouldn’t show up. To protect us, she decided that he wouldn’t be allowed to hurt us anymore. That we had been put through too much by him.

Then, she remarried my step dad. He was an abusive piece of work too. He was emotionally abusive to my mom. She wanted us to see grandma and grandpa, but he would not allow it. I went like a good few years not seeing anyone.

Your parents and our aunt/uncles etc were also just starting their lives. They were young adults with their own families, schooling, careers etc. The last thing they had time for was to reach out and care for us. They trusted my mom enough.

We also had our own family now. We had a dad, an older brother, and an older sister. That was really important to me. Because for a few good years I actually had a family. I experienced a lot without the Monarrez’s. And that was literally never my choice. I was a literal child. From first grade to fifth I pretty much heard nothing.

I had actually told my friends that my dad had died, that’s how in the dark I was. But my dad made no effort to contact us, or get better, or just be good. He had the power to grow up and change, there was literally nothing I could do.

Eventually, in middle school my dad came back to ven and I’s life. This is predominantly the years you remember. And they were good years. Things seemed good until he went to prison. Nobody told me where he was. We had no idea where he had gone. Then he’s back, then he’s gone again. I never understood and it hurt a lot to be with family, the not, then with, then not. Aunt Jissel one day pulled ven and I aside and said, “we actually do know where your dad is, he’s in jail”.

And to her credit she did what she could, like take us to knots scary farm etc. But for the most part, all of the grownups in our family danced around the fact that our dad was not there for us, and that they did not know how to be there for us either. Something I don’t hold against them. Honest to god, I have even had this conversation with aunt Jissel.

Anyway, one day, I get a call from him in jail and he says I have a baby brother. And by this point I’m in 7th grade. Barely beginning to be a teenager. And that same year my mom and stepdad get divorced, and my older brother is beaten up by my step dad. The last time I even saw my dad before that was when he picked up ven and I to go look at Christmas lights. But he had his girlfriend there the whole time and rarely said anything to us. Ven and i sat quietly in the backseat. Then we we got home, him and his girlfriend snuck away to his bedroom. Ven and I were left alone in the house, just trying to feel like he wanted us there.

We were allowed to see my dad a lot more after Caden was born, because he was “changing”. Also my mom was back to being a single mom, so she asked us if we were ok to see him again and we said yes. Literally the first time I saw him again I called him dad, and he didn’t even respond to it. Because he wasn’t used to being called dad.

He took us to his church, he showed me his job, he really seemed like he changed. At some point he moved out to Arizona with you guys. In freshman year of high school, he came back. He had for some reason brought a girlfriend back home from Arizona with her two daughters. He pitched to us “being a family” and we went to see twilight together.

I was told after that, he broke up with her and drove her back to Arizona. At this point, I’m a teenager. A brilliant one. I took five AP courses, I took advanced math, I played three Instruments, I acted in plays, and I was in every band or after school activity. The reason I got to do those things? My grandma and grandpa on my mother’s side. They are the only reason I am alive. My grandma is basically my second mom. She did everything, sacrificed anything, and loved us more than I have ever seen a grandparent love someone. This is not to say I don’t love grandma Esther with all my heart, because I do. I love her very much. But my relationship with my maternal grandma is special. So when it came time for me to graduate, I was only allowed 13 tickets. I chose my moms family over the monarrez’s because of every sacrifice they made for us. For every moment they were there. For how much I loved them.

But when I told me dad he yelled at me. He called me a liar. He drove to my house to say mean things in my front yard and after sending me a cruel Facebook message accusing me of not caring about them and leaving them behind.

I was 18. Just barely an adult, about to graduate with honors, and my father who had not raised nor cared for me was yelling at me. Instead of being happy to graduate I spent it with anxiety, nausea, pain, and guilt. Feelings I don’t think we’re justified. The experience was so awful my sister chose to not even walk the next year.

At this point I’m in college, I have my first job, I have a lot happening. I was not responsible for repairing a bridge that someone else destroyed. I sought therapy for the things I saw with my dad. I have problems every day with the guilt. But it is most painful to me, to see my grandparents age. I do my best with what I have got. I visit them when I can, I send them pictures, I’ve bought them stuff during covid, I had them at my college graduation. I did not have anyone at my wedding other than my mom and sister. Not even my maternal grandparents. No aunts, no uncles, etc.

I have been through a lot of pain with my father and the family. I have never felt like I belonged. While you all were the same age (cousins) ven and I were the older kids. I was an adult before any of you. And now? I’m married, I have a home, I have a family of my own, I am educated, I am passionate, I am talented. There is not a single quality that I have that had come from the family. That was all my own and with people who supported me indefinitely and without question.

The reason I don’t make it to the invites? They’re last minute or I have other priorities. For your graduation I was working so my mom and I could have rent that month. I did the grocery shopping, we only had one car, we were scraping buy paycheck to paycheck. And i worked very hard to make sure my mom was never alone to bear the burden. I am the oldest, so I gave up everything to take care of my mom and sister. We never got a penny of child support or any financial help.

Also, getting a call at 5pm ON thanksgiving and being told to come down is not the same as getting an invite ahead of time. It is not the same as someone asking us to join as a family. It’s last minute, it’s hurtful, and it always stung because we always felt like an after though. I didn’t even know grandma was in the hospital because NO ONE told me, except my baby brother. It was not the responsibility of a young boy to tell us that. And the blame is solely on the adults of the family.

Now I am a fully grown adult woman. I have a degree, a career, credentials, a cool husband, and a good family. I have chosen to only really engage with grandma and grandpa, as they are the only ones I can bear to see. I will not let you accuse us of “abandoning” them or leaving them to rot as they age. I do what I can, when I can. My responsibility is to my own life. I do not have a relationship with my father. I do not have a relationship with you. It will always be so, because the damage is done. I have worked through the trauma on my own. If you choose to still believe that we had any choice in the matter, or that any of it was intentional, you are sorely wrong.

[abcthought]

Love, youth, happiness