a-vague-recollection

[a-vague-recollection]

h o m e s i c k n e s s

they say the hardest of times can create the strongest versions of you and I can't help but think that maybe i dont wanna be that strong. Maybe content is the peak. why? is that being weak? is that being ambitionless? can't content be an ambition? is that state of mind not good enough?

[a-vague-recollection]

I complain a lot. For no reason. I complain when my friends are too different from me. I complain when I find we're all the same. I crave for variety and differences then. I hate that about me. I hate that I do not know what exactly is that I want and don't want. I hate that I cant decide. I hate that I'm not decisive. I can't seem to choose between 'living-in-the-moment' and 'being-productive'. I hate that the final result of that dilemma is always me wasting time. Wasting time = losing. I've disappointed myself too many times because I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help my future self from the effects of the present me. I'm guilty. I'd like to apologize. I'm sorry I'm sorry this happened. I'm sorry I didn't stop it. I was there and I just watched it grow.

[a-vague-recollection]

Hello Again...

How are you guys?

I'm back with a few thots.

I feel so down some days. Like when you learn about free fall. I feel like I'm just falling deeper into the unknown. This mostly happens because I feel insecure and am insecure about a lot of things. Probably my whole self.

But don't get me wrong there are days when I feel so good to be me, when I'm genuinely happy and think "Thank God, I'm me." When I say 'me/myself' it encompasses all of it, physical appearance as well as my personality. So somedays I feel good, great even, to be the person I am and on other days that's down the drain.

Mostly this happens when I meet someone and they're this ideal human being(?) . I start to feel so small and worthless next to them. Like, why even care about trying to become better and I spiral into other useless thoughts. These people usually have all the traits that I wanna become better at so basically my goal self would look like that. To know that there are people who just live their life normally, being great at literally everything, without trying, that is to say they are social butterflies, can hold convos very well, tall, good-looking, has a fun personality, talented at something and are smart, yeah, basically the whole package, makes me feel so insignificant.

Makes me think where'd I go wrong? Why can't I be that?. And ig the truth is I can never be that. That person and their vibe is just a whole package. Those traits are their functions and ig that's what makes them special. That's why they're more noticeable than others. Perhaps that's what I want for myself as well? To be more in the middle of things and less on the sides. But I am in the middle of a few things and I like that, but the fact that these people can replace me makes me feel bad.

That probably is one of the other reasons. That I could be replaced without a second thought. I wonder if my friends would still be my friends if they had met them instead of me. I wonder if I'd still have gotten a certain role if they were there as well. Would i stand out? Would I be good enough?.

These lead me to resent myself as well as them, a bit. But I shouldn't have to feel this way. Why should I be questioning my worth just because someone's better?. My worth is as intrinsic as theirs is. And that shouldn't be questioned but alas, the world is at odds or maybe I'm the problem. What's funny is that these are probably the same people who give me the goals that i do have. They make me wanna be better.

Nowadays what i try to do is learn from them. So the whole experience of meeting new and nice people isn't negative anymore. But obviously that kind of mindset is something I have to practice. I have to think 'Ah, here's a person that can help me grow'. How nice is it to have an influencer irl? I should consider myself lucky to find myself in these positions ig.😅

The sun is definitely the center of all the light that I see,

the fire, the heat,

the enormity.

But, in the moon, lies a different grace,

a beauty that blooms in the night's embrace,

in who's shade people unfold the worst of their tales.

Also, i feel good about myself when I get complimented on the things i do. So, I give compliments too. You never know when one needs to hear it. . Hmm.. now that I think about it, it prolly is a trait the aforementioned people would have ig. Truly,

X

[a-vague-recollection]

Hello there. How's life treating you these days?

I was down a few days ago. The usual I suppose. But this chat I had with a friend two years ago came to mind and I decided to scroll those messages. Both of us, at the time, had a similar kind of hurting or pain. We were scratched by the same thorns, so to say. And despite us being 'just-good-friends' through out school, latched together to lament on this common pain. It certainly helped me. Just ranting stuff on her chat and she'd reply when she found the time to do so. And that's how it was. We did that for a few months. I would be the person to lift her up if she felt down and she'd be the one doing that when I'd feel like throwing myself into water. Don't get me wrong, I've never been suicidal, and I'm grateful for that. Just that sometimes one would want to bury themselves under water. Sometimes you crave for breathlessness because life's hitting you all at once and you feel like you don't have a chance so you kinda wish for it to come for you all together. All at once. So you may rise again and gasp for air. Breathe new again. And be granted a second chance. The whole thing was nice. To vomit feelings in its truest forms because she wouldn't cringe. She wouldn't think I was being emotional or immature. It was nice. I hope she felt that too. But reading those text messages then has not only made me reminisce the friendship I had but also allowed me to see myself in a different light. I was a bit more braver then. At 18, I was a bit more hopeful. I could let my tongue slip and say words of compassion and encouragement without the fear of being judged. I could venture out for long lost friends and start talking to them just because I wanted to talk. The thoughts of whether I'm the one who messages first or am I being a nuisance or do they think I'm kinda stupid or silly to want to build this friendship even though there's no reason for it now. We're no longer in the same class or school. Don't have mutual friends. Didn't really meet anywhere recently. Why is she forging this now? Those thoughts seemed to always escape me. I'm genuinely interested in this person, who cares about the rest anyways? But unfortunately, these thoughts never seem to leave me now. The 'what would they think?' has made me backspace a lot of paragraph messages on how I had a dream of them last night, or I saw this thing on TV and it reminded me of that time, or how I think they're wonderful for this reason, or how I'm just really happy to have had a friend like them, or how I'm randomly reminded of that one time they did this. O r how they weren't supposed to have done that. Anyways, as you can see I'm reminded of people a lot. I bet others are too. And it's sad that they will never know because I got scared. anxious. For no reason at all. So, now I'm kinda making it a point to sent these random reminders I have of these people, if I get bothered for more than 10 minutes. Yeah kinda long but I overthink so yeah. I would love to receive a random paragraph long text from any friend. Whether its about me or their day or anything at all wouldn't matter. The fact that they thought of me would be enough to warm my heart. So why not do the same? As that one Barbie song, "

Sometimes when you need a friend, just need to be a friend. Gotta spin the whole picture around You need to share your light, help someone learn to fly..." So there's that. And oh, about that chat I had with her. We haven't texted since last summer. Life's been good ig. I hope it has been for her as well. Thanks for reading till the end. Share you're thoughts please. I'd love to know. Yours Truly, X

[a-vague-recollection]

Hello again..

Been some time since I ghosted, I'm sorry to whoever came this way and was left disappointed. But I'll tell you what, the exam isn't something I can remember anymore so I can't go into details but it definitely wasn't the best. I definitely could've done better. And..lets just leave it at that.

As for the other stuffs that have been going on, they've been going busy mostly because I'm a master procrastinator and homebody. But that's not why I'm here. I thought I'd fill in this page with random posts as in quantity over quality rn. Not saying that it has been quality posts up until now but you know. Just convincing myself and my conscience here.

There are a lot of things on my mind as you would expect from any young adult. Yes, I'm one. And though these are very common, the fact that they don't have definite answers bothers me. One, its nice cause we're all different individuals and hence no size fits all. Two, because that's scary since I have to figure this out on my own and I don't wanna risk anything but definitely want the gains of it all. Three, I'm confused and I don't know what I want.

And one could argue that life is essentially that. It's about the choices you make and the ones you don't. The risks you take and the battles you choose (I don't know where I read that). You can't do all of it but also you don't know what you're supposed to do if you don't just try your hand at all the varieties. So, there's definitely some time that you'll have to waste figuring stuff out and I, as-a-matter-of-fact know that, but I cant allow myself to just go there and do that. I also know that this is just normal to almost half the people in my age group and older ones since we can't afford to lose. We can't sidetrack and do other things due to different reasons and that's sad. Unfair(?) too. But thanks to the internet I can always discover and make changes as and when necessary.

I hope things will fall into place. Into the right places.

Until next time,

Sincerely,

X.(I'm sorry I haven't looked anything up😅)

Please feel free to comment. I'd actually like that. TY

[a-vague-recollection]

Hello there...long time no see..(ig..if you've seen anything here that is),but anyways..I thought I'd log a 'crazy-something' that probably all of you here have already done..which is cramming for your finals..Thought that maybe doing this would -maybe-slightly-increase my nonexistent motivation. Idk why but I'm not scared in the least..maybe I've already given up internally..I don't think thats quite right cause I am aiming quite a bit high for a slacker you know but ig everyone does that on the eve of your exam. Also this is my final exam in this series and I can positively tell you that I've lazed the ones before this as well..

I'm kinda regretting the fact that I wasted 4 days for this particular exam. Yup wasted almost 4.5 days and ..here I am on tumblr to help myself study.

So to give you guys a context: I've got 4 modules and I've kinda skimmed through one module. 2 of these modules are lesser and not that important compared to the first two. I'm thinking of completing the first module in 6 hrs. And pull an all nighter for the 4th module and learn the 3rd module tomorrow. The time rn is 5.40 pm. My exams on 1.30 pm tomorrow

We officially start studying at 6.00 pm. Hopefully things will work out better than expected. Cheers to me,my bravery, my audacity and to my potato head. I will update whenever I feel like I've made progress or every 2 hrs 👍ig that'll be good enough for a start. Wish me luck..

Update 1

So now it's 9.00pm . 3 hours have gone by and I'm halfway through the first module. I had a 1 hr break in between ig..😅. Not in one stretch though.. I also had fresh watermelons 🍉 they were cold so that was nice. And..there's a change of plans I've decided not to learn the 4th module in depth that is just cover the bare minimum. Instead of which I'll revise both the modules and hopefully cover the third simultaneously. So far things are going good I'd say. Ig I'll finish the 1st module by 2 am. And from then on to 5 am I'll revise. I kinda want to finish off by 12 though..let's see..well that's the update

[a-vague-recollection]

I'm writing this on a whim...Really

So Hello to anyone out there..(not that I expect anyone to be out there)

I haven't shown up..at all..I know. I've wanted to but I don't have anything to write on. NO CONTENT. Whatsoever. That's the problem. And even if I did ..I'd sit there filtering stuff and highlighting it and end up with a big 'why?'. Who'd bother to read and why bother posting? Also..is there anything relevant that I have? Is that creative enough? All these go through my head and in less than 10 minutes I decide 'Hmm..maybe not today..some other day I'll sit and think and come up with some good, well-written post-worthy creative write-up' and I wait for some comet like thought but it doesn't come. It has never come...

But for some reason, reality has hit me (a few days ago) and now I've decided to write here for no reason other than the fact that I want to..I don't care(idk how long this is gonna last for)if its post-worthy or creatively written or even worth anyone's time..but I want to write.

Oh..btw this realization has also made me take photos..yup I don't take photos. Not mine, not anyone's, not anything's. The reason for that is because I'm not good at it. It doesn't come the way I want it to. I've got no idea on angles and on how to get the right lighting. But then I realised that all I want is to look back on stuff..and I honestly don't care if it comes out good or not..the only thing that matters is that I remember those moments..and all I have to do is click..and whatever is on that screen probably reflects my memory..so yeah thats whats popping rn

And I'm not good at it-writing and photography..but I want to do those...so here it'll be..

Until I get hit by Whim again,

X(till I come up with a new one)

[a-vague-recollection]

Hi there!!

I'm..mm...I'd like to remain behind this anonymity😊. (I'll come up with a name real quick.)

Anyways..

idk what brought you here but I hope that there's something here that makes you stay. And even if you don't feel like staying, I hope a word, phrase, anything here makes you feel better than when you started the mindless scroll.

Also just saying English isn't my first language but I feel like I can express better in English..so feel free to correct and criticise me.

With a tonne of sincerity and hope,

For now

Your X