a-thing-for-pixels

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when you’re watching the lord of the rings, you don’t really get the full picture of just how insane it is that sam was able to defeat shelob in battle—in the book, tolkien spends literal paragraphs describing how ancient and powerful shelob is, how her skin is so tough that no warrior (NO warrior, like ever !) has been able to pierce it.

like sure sam had the phial of galadriel, but this guy is 3 and a half feet tall with absolutely zero training and he sent shelob crawling back into her little cave with nothing but pure rage. like OMG??? literal chihuahua of hobbits istg

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reigen doing jon arbuckle's dance

huge thanks to @lain7nyy for this post that inspired me to make this gif. i'm not doing the whole scene though, i still have that cutie honey crossover

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I guess there's a lot of things that your boss in the USA won't tell you.

F.e. that unions would fight their literal asses for better working conditions, monies, or other benefits.

I was today years old when i found out that i was allowed time off to vote. Something no boss has ever told me.

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If work why stop

This just killed me 🤣

wheres the gif of link opening a treasure chest barefoot and he kicks like an idiot it and hurts himself its so goddam funny

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My LinkedIn dude, this is the worst thing for which technology can be used

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I have a new theory which has resulted from me writing porn on my phone which im certain is old hat to everyone but is new to me

it kinda goes like this

basically, as a person or community writes a kinky story for longer, they will kind of inevitably move up a chain of 'paradigms of justification' required to make the kink continue to make sense.

the pace will vary depending on the kink, but motion is inevitable.

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so say you decide to write some rope bondage kink. as you continue to write, you are likely to progress through the stages as follows:

Stage 0 - Baseline: i am writing A tying up B, because i want to, A wants to, and B is into it (or isn't, depending on what kinda freak you are). Regular fic goes here.

Stage 1 - Psychological: Why is does A like tying up B? Why does B like being tied up? Normal character stuff. Not yet weird. You're still normal. If you mom found out you were writing this, she'd probably still love you.

Stage 2 - Logistical: How does A afford all those rope? Why hasn't B's hands fallen off from lack of circulation? Getting odd you'd write about this, but fair enough, real kinksters deal with this. You just like to pay attention to details.

Stage 3 - Sociological: You have written the kink long enough that you need it to be normalized in-universe in order to push the envelope. You need a Federal Department of Kinky Shit Why has nobody called the cops when B goes missing for three days due to the suspension bondage setup you researched for two hours last night? Did you just invent a law so its okay for A to tie up the pizza delivery guy? Why is it not a violation of the labour code that B spends all her time literally tied to her desk? This is where the descent into madness begins. You have total freedom now to introduce new characters, but they will probably end up being A-like and B-like because that's your kink and why you started writing in the first place. People laugh when they see the premise, but keep reading.

Stage 4 - Biological: Oh, now you fucked up. See, eventually, you're going to start wondering why the world is filled with people like A and B. You're going to need to answer definitively why B didn't fucking die when you accidentally wrote a poorly conceived stress position in chapter 2. You gotta answer why there's only like 1 A for every 10 Bs. You realize with horror you accidentally implied that shibari harnesses is literally a biological requirement for human reproduction. It's over for you. This is ABO with extra steps. Get thee to a nunnery.

Stage 5 - Synthesis: "Oh fuck, it all makes sense now." Terminal brain stoppage. Death would be a mercy. ---

The thing is, once you have progressed through these stages, you are going to skip ahead in future stories because, let's face it, its incredibly convenient to have these structures laid out for you. If you've gotten to Stage 3 in a previous fic and then start a new one, well, you could fuck around justifying what's going on, or you could simply bring back the Federal Department of Kinky Shit and jump straight to the silk cord. It's efficient and we're all busy people.

I ended up following this trajectory with my first set of Porn On Phone stories pretty closely:

Hot lady am sexy kidnaps!

But why am hot lady sexy kidnap?

How am hot lady afford lavish lifestyle for sexy kidnapee?

Why am nobody arrest hot lady for sexy kidnap?

am reason related to why am no men in stories?

characters am now exclaim 'judith christ!' when stub toe.

Terminal. Put me down like the dog I am.

But the dark realization I had, right about now, is that all the normie fics out there, all the boring straight stuff?

... yeah they're already at Stage 5. The straights are living at stage 5, patriarchy is their Federal Department of Kinky Shit, they believe in alphas and omegas already.

So, put that way, it's actually totally normal and okay to do this progression, right? Like, it's subversive. This is feminist! This is feminist! I scream, as I'm dragged into the van and driven down to the river to be drowned like an unwanted kitten. I'm the normal one! You're all mad!

anyway i started writing a star trek porn parody in an attempt to write 'normal' porn again, hit stage five within 3000 words, had a mental breakdown, and came here to write this.

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I mean, imagine you would be trapped with a terrifying giant from whom you'd usually keep 20+ meters distance because nature is cruel and you work hard to survive in wind and endure the weather, the sheer coldness in the winter and the incredible hotness in summer while predators are all around. And now you're stuck and make peace with your otherwise short life

And then suddenly cuddle! 🤯😍

This is a diametral located experience and if this happened to me I also would look like

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TBH this doesn't mean to be different girls but also the same one when mother nature kicks them into the stomach¹

____________________

¹ source: My significant other

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ITT: heartfelt emotional story, ACAB, law transgressions by authorities, and a goat 🥺😬

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Speaking of porn logistics, another personal favourite bit of fuckery is when an artist draws a picture containing multiple dicks, then produces a separate alt for every possible ejaculatory configuration, like there are four dicks and sixteen alts such that there's a version where only dick A is jizzing, a version where only dick B is jizzing, a version where dicks A and B but not C are jizzing, and so forth. I'm imagining some high-class dick connoisseur with exquisitely rarefied tastes out there like "yes, I want to see this character getting jizzed on, but only by the dick on the far left – the other dicks can wait their turn".

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(Xユーザーのクリム (crim)さん: 「Thighs. https://t.co/3sYkoOoaIS」 / Xから)

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i know vitamin c basically neutralizes adhd meds but lemonade good

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The problem is that this offer is so highly unprobable, that it's either a scam or a trap. And then I'd have two problems and no 5 million dollaritos.

Totally not worth it.

would you allow your mom to read through your entire phone and go through all your apps right now to win five million dollars?

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Oof I think I blacked out for a moment

she took it off

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Close but I'll allow it

I find Bill Cipher's gender intriguing... Did you guys know that Bill cipher is a goth girl.

Uphhhhh, I envy his triangular form. He's so awesome.