a-littl3-d3ath

[a-littl3-d3ath]

Christmas of '23

Mom picks her little brother up from detox 

And takes him to the grocery store

He crashed his car while drunk last month,

His wife’s leaving him soon. 

But Christmas music is playing over the store’s old speakers

As he and my mom argue about where to go next. 

Grandma hosts her younger sister every year

And every year, it’s worse. 

My aunt is rude and unhelpful, and grandma can barely walk. 

Grandma works her eighty-five year-old ass off 

For them both to be sick of each other by New Year’s Eve. 

But It’s A Wonderful Life is playing faintly on the TV

As my grandma does her best to cook breakfast for two. 

Grandpa has been gone three years now. 

We all still miss him all the time. 

We quote his old catchphrases and jokes to keep him alive. 

Grandma still cries when she hears Sinatra.

He’s been gone just over three years

But we still think of him

Every time that one Christmas song comes on the radio.

My little brother and I are home from college.

He barely speaks anymore.

I’m not sure he likes our parents very much.

Nearing nineteen with only two or three friends,

A growing weed-smoking habit, and a buzz-cut,

He looks far older than he is. 

But it feels like just yesterday 

When he was demanding to put his favorite ornament,

A little glass penguin, on the Christmas tree first.

Dad calls his parents on Christmas. 

They speak maybe once or twice a month. 

My grandparents sit in a hoarder house in Long Island

As their health slowly declines. 

My dad is alienated from his parents and sister.

But he still calls them every Christmas 

Just to tell them he loves them.

I’m home from college, in the middle of my sophomore year. 

My room here doesn’t feel like mine anymore.

It’s too white, too bare, too minimal. 

The shower I use barely gets hot water anymore, 

And the floorboards creak under my feet. 

Signs of my sudden adulthood are all around me.

Still, I wrap the gifts like every year,

Like every eldest daughter does. 

Holding it together for everyone else.