a-lingering-sadness

[a-lingering-sadness]

My mum and her mum. They are both so so beautiful.

The first photo won a competition in the local newspaper and mum was always proud of that. 

[a-lingering-sadness]

Things You Loved

Me. My brother. My dad. Beautiful things. Not just clothes and the items in your home, but the beautiful things of the world. Plants. Jacarandas when they were in season. Flowers. Lilies especially. The crispness of air on a cold day. Wearing a cardigan on a sunny day.  Beautiful places. You loved home. And home-making. You should have been an interior designer. Cooking for us. Finding new recipes. Baking. You loved antique stores. You loved learning. The fact that new information was a single google-search away left you in awe. You were always finding out new and interesting things online. You loved bubble tea. You loved cosy nights in and watching movies. Tea. You loved beautiful paintings. You loved Monet. Especially his Water Lilies. 

You saw the beauty in the world. You lived in awe of the world. You loved living.

[a-lingering-sadness]

Numb

I feel numb. And exhausted. Tired with life. 

I don’t know why. I think, perhaps, because this year has been so different than to what I had imagined it would be. This past year, there have been some major changes in my life, and maybe it’s only really catching up to me now. The fatigue; the weight of these changes; the endless, inevitable, and unrelenting days that lie ahead.

I feel like my brain has overloaded and it needs a break from the world.

[a-lingering-sadness]

27/07/18

7 months and a week.

How different life would be

If you were still here.

I miss you.

[a-lingering-sadness]

Why do I feel so fucking lonely?

[a-lingering-sadness]

too bad so sad

[a-lingering-sadness]

I still can’t comprehend that you are gone. How are you gone? How can someone be there, and then just not?

I wish you were here. I would tell you how much I love you, and how beautiful you are. 

I’m going to a Harry Styles concert tonight. I want to be able to tell you about it. But I can’t.

I saw there was a Jimmy Barnes concert which happened a couple of weeks ago which I wish I could’ve taken you to.

I just want you to be here, mum. I love you.

[a-lingering-sadness]

08/04/18

Happy Birthday Mum. 

[a-lingering-sadness]

[a-lingering-sadness]

I can’t remember

What we used to talk about

I can’t remember

The sound of your voice

I can’t remember

What would make you smile.

I can’t remember.

My memory of you 

Is fading.

[a-lingering-sadness]

20/02/18

2 months.

I miss you. 

I can’t wait to see you one day.

I hope I see you one day.

[a-lingering-sadness]

You added a colour to my life

That I never even knew

Existed.

[a-lingering-sadness]

forget

I want to sleep,

To dream,

To forget all of the things

That make me hurt

When I’m awake.

~a.d.

[a-lingering-sadness]

I think I’m tired of talking about things that don’t matter to people who also don’t really matter.

[a-lingering-sadness]

At home, watching Netflix, eating a McDonalds ice cream.. because I’d rather do that than go to a friends birthday party and hang out with people - most of whom I couldn’t care less about if I didn’t ever see them again.

Is that mean? I don’t know. Maybe. But something I’ve realised is that I can do things for me too.

Man, if there’s something I’ve learnt about myself these past few months, it’s that I really like my own company. Maybe I just need some new friends.

I wish my mum was here. These last couple of nights have been restless. I kept thinking about my mum and memories of her but it pains me so much to remember her and then to realise she isn’t here anymore. Fuck. Grief is strange. These last few days have been hard.

Yesterday Dad showed me a part of her will, how she’s left me some old jewellery. And he said we need to start clearing out her clothes. I don’t want to. It feels like we’re erasing her from our lives or something.

Last night I thought about how we’re in February. And in about 2 weeks it’ll be 2 months since she passed away. I don’t want it to get to that point. I don’t want it to be 2 months ago, then 6 months, then a year. I don’t want to move on from her. I hate it. I hate this.

I think I’m tired. I had 5 and a half hours sleep last night, so I’m tired. But I’m also tired of this life. I’m tired of being sad, and I’m tired of not having a mum. I’m tired.

I feel like I’m a cloud. Just floating around; existing. Everything is now kind of grey.

[a-lingering-sadness]

I can’t imagine myself ever being 100% happy again.

[a-lingering-sadness]

Remember, Christina Rossetti

Remember me when I am gone away,

       Gone far away into the silent land;

       When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day

       You tell me of our future that you plann’d:

       Only remember me; you understand

It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while

       And afterwards remember, do not grieve:

       For if the darkness and corruption leave

       A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,

Better by far you should forget and smile

       Than that you should remember and be sad.