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Aaaand in the “special room”

Psychotic episode whatever eh

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I’m so scared. I hate the hospital. I’m shaking. I can’t even bring myself to pack. I can’t do this. I want to hide until it goes away. Should I text her and cancel???

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The last supper.

Hospital at 10 tomorrow.

Very nervous.

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Being admitted tomorrow and I’m TERRIFIED

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• psychiatrist says psychotic

• wants me in hospital

• too embarrassed to tell people what’s going, let alone to I’m in hospital

• plus all these things. Coming up for Christmas that I don’t want to spoil

😫

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Thank god for the wonderful art therapist

Had a big cry at open mic night and she is so helpful and comforting

Feeling sad and just want meds to kick in so I can go to sleep

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- bad GP appt

- bad phone call with mum

- went on an outing to an art gallery and cried in front of everyone

- supposed to be going to an open mic night soon but honestly I just feel revolting

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I think I need to unfriend people I’ve met through hospital.

I don’t talk to them and I’m sick of seeing people clinging to their illness and constant reminders of the bad times.

I was talking to psych friend yesterday. She was like… you are NOT better… you are nowhere near the level of health you were before but you are much more stable.

I’m trying to move on a bit with my life and it’s not helping to see their competitive illness shit and photos of the hospital… that hospital is just 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

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It’s summer here and I live in a hot climate… but today I’m in a hoodie with a warm coffee, snuggled up in the pouring rain out on my balcony 🥰

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A nice hot shower and a coffee feels approx. 10 trillion times better

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21/11/25

I’m trying to push through.

Life is great but there have been some wobbly moments.

I want to appreciate all the good.

Do my best to stay active (even if it’s a super short walk, hygiene, nurture my creative side - I am making socks for several loved ones for Christmas and I’m determined to finish in time! And eat a bit more).

I’ve been incredibly tired. I’d sleep over 14 hours plus naps if I allowed myself but trying not to fall into the trap.

Also just trying not to think about it all too

Much.

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When I first started going to the hospital to pick up my weekly clozapine, I HATED it. I was embarrassed to see all the nurses and patients I knew so well and have them think “ah yep… here we go… back in hospital again already 🙄” (and if you think I’m being paranoid, I’ve had remarks to this extent made numerous times).

Then I went through a patch of kinda liking it and being like heeeeelllll yeah. Fuck you all because I’m crushing this thing called life. I’m healthier than ever, happy, enjoying everything and making exciting plans.

Well.

Today I went in and it was something else.

Like I’d said goodbye to the hospital and my attachment was kinda gone.

It was gloomy/smelly/dirty/dark/retro/strange.

I only recognised one nurse, who I’d normally talk to for ages. We chatted for less than 2 minutes. Got my meds. Went to the bathroom. (There was a group of patients I’d never seen, one of them asked if I needed help to find the bathroom. I went to say oh dw I’ve been here hundreds of times… but just let her take me.). I recognised one patient who we are almost always in together with and spend all day knitting… it’s so hard to make conversation when one is doing really well and the other is inpatient. So we just kept walking.

Strange.

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I want a hot shower but I’m too cold to get out of bed

😭😭😭

I feel soooooo bad.

Never sleep in the day but today I did alll day.

Shivering. Sore. Flank pain. So tired. Incredibly nauseous.

blah

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I feel soooooo bad.

Never sleep in the day but today I did alll day.

Shivering. Sore. Flank pain. So tired. Incredibly nauseous.

blah

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I mention quite a bit that I have fairly severe adhd.

What I don’t talk about as much is that I have this “triad” of Tourette’s, OCD and adhd.

So I’ve been told a lot that the reason I’m very very messy is my adhd.

I was talking to a psychiatrist friend and she told me that it’s actually a thing in OCD too!

Anyway… I bring this up as I have a rental inspection later in the week. They really stress me as I’ve actually failed in the past and had to have weekly inspections and meet with support workers etc to do welfare checks 🤦🏻‍♀️

I have to say my house is actually very nice now

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I loved Carrie fisher so much

She was such a badass, funny, clever.

I wish I’d gotten to meet her at a con.

She came to Australian but my friend and I weren’t travelling for cons in those days

She wrote books about her bipolar, addiction and even one about ECT. They helped me so much and I’d have looked to get a picture with her and get my books signed.

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Woo. Finally had my iron infusion. The GP said my level was shocking in May (4, which she said was terrible) (when I was actually meant to have this… but went into hospital for mania/paychosis, then there was a saline shortage, dr away, me having a million other appts going on etc etc) and she couldn’t believe I was able to do much at all right now and she fully believed I would feel as horrible as I do .

I also had a b12 injection and shw said that should help my memory problems

Go back in 6 weeks

Was craving Mexican so badly and never get takeaway but meh! Treating myself tonight!

(And one of my favourite things ever - orange juice!!