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you ever been so stressed that youre calm

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Never enough

I always find myself here again, in this dark hole. I can honestly say I've probably never lived a week in my life where I didn't think about suicide. Don't get me wrong, I've been pretty happy for majority of my life but that doesn't mean the idea of suicide doesn't cross your head. I can have the greatest week ever but I'll still think about it at the end of the night when I slump down in my bed. Some days it's worse than others. Especially when it just feels like nothing is going right. Like, my current motto in life is that when one door opens, two more close. Doors I didn't even know were open. Doors I never thought I would might want to go through. I hate being by myself. That's when I get wierd in my head. Have you ever thought and asked yourself, who'd be at your funeral? Or even worse, who would cry? Who would actually miss you? Who will do your eulogy and what will be said? I'm 22. And I want a life. But everything I've tried these past few years hasn't worked for me. I have conditions on conditions, all things I didn't ask for or want to develop or anything like that but it prevents me from living my life the way I want to. Ever hear somebody say "it's okay man, God has a plan for you." I'm waiting and I want to know already. But. It hurts to wait. I've always had these self-worth issues where no matter what I feel like I'm not enough. Shit, I've gotten so bad I hated myself. Like I really think I need a psychiatrist at times. I still do. But I can't afford that LOL. You see, no matter what I feel like I'm a waste of space. Like I'm a burden. I don't care what you say or what anybody says, I just can't help but believe I am a burden. I've always seen myself just weighing down the world. There aren't many times I felt of importance. There aren't many times I felt anything positive at all about myself. I guess that why I always wanted to know more about people, to know their pains and their history because I wanted to help. Ive never wanted anybody to be in my shoes. I do not ever want anybody to feel like a waste of blood, skin and organs that could be helping in prolonging somebody else's life. Sometimes I just don't want to feel. I really want to die sometimes. Funny thing is, I'm a coward. I hate blades. I would probably jump off a building or swallow a million Tylenols or even hang myself. I could never cut myself. Funny thing about jumping off a building, I used to be afraid of heights but now at the edge, I try to imagine how long of a fall it may be. If it'd be instadeath or not. I don't like thinking of these things but it just happens sometimes.

I hate me.

You ever ask yourself if you're enough? For anything? I dont think I'm enough. For anything. Anyone. My parents and former teachers always said that I was a smart kid. But I never saw it. I mean I could understand shit pretty quickly but you just gotta listen man. Ask questions where you don't understand. That's all.

I sometimes just want to default to the void. Just poof. Gone. Vanish. Especially on nights like this where I'm fighting with her. But I feel like dying too. Sometimes I really wonder what it's like to die. Like I really wanted to watch flatliners. Just to see what some author or writer might think happens when you're dead. Is that not fascinating. To not know something you will only ever know once but never get to share? Like imagine if your heart just stops. Or what a suicide bomber feels. Or even a bullet. But I hate bombs and bullets man. Like just cause I wanna die, doesn't mean I want everyone to die.

Will I ever be enough? For anything? Will my parents ever be proud of me. Will I ever feel like my family cares. Will I ever be enough to my girlfriend. Will I ever be enough anywhere? Can I be enough? Maybe for myself?

Idk.

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Fun facts about your sign here

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Movie Scenes Inserted Into Real Life by François Dourlen.

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MARK TWAIN: An Educational Journey

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Good morning! Here’s a pic of your parents to tell you we love you, but you’re a failure and we’re very disappointed in you.

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