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recently i’ve been practicing inversions and i’ll say i’m getting better!

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2015 and Love

shouldn’t really even be in the same sentence when it comes to Jay Pettaway.

Lets see.. At the beginning of the year there was Trevor, a psychonaut that I came to find was so drowned in his own ego that there was no room for me. That and he couldn’t kiss or hold up in bed. NEXT

Then there was Adam, of whom I worked with at Oudom’s for a while, and became attracted to him because he was the guy who didn’t talk, so my stupid sense of mystery decided to come out and go on a damn scavenger hunt. I developed feeling that he couldn’t return, and I got smart and realized I was wasting my time.

Meanwhile, sort of before Adam and I became a thing, there was Chase. A truer psychonaut that was actually sweet, but too destructive and egotistical about the way I should live my life. Once he told me how I should like a certain pleasurable action instead of asking the way I liked it, I knew there would be no common ground, and the following weeks went to prove that. Maybe i’m being a little hard on Chase, but I think he needs to grow up, and honestly i’m tired of trying to get someone to grow up for me. So I told him to leave me alone, and that we couldn’t be friends either because I realized that by being friends with an ex, I wasn’t doing to for my own comfort, but so they would be happier with themselves.

Then there was this stupid Canadian boy I met that was super cute and young and i was super alone and desperate so I went for it and lets just say It didn’t take me long to debunk that one and as soon as i did, he disappeared.

So I cut everything off. And went a little awol. I ended up hooking up with a friends ex boyfriend (whom i didn’t know was at the time) and screwed up a friendship that turns out I didn’t need anyway, but all I did in that process was slingshot my way into a spiraling depression of loneliness i can’t seem to get myself out of.

Now, there’s Tinder. Siiigh. And I haven’t hooked up with any of these guys, dont worry. I went on a date with a guy who lost interest in me thereafter and i havent heard from him sense.

I dont have alot of hope for myself seeing as its November and i’ve gone a year without a ‘relationship’ but i’m not even counting trevors sorry ass so in reality we’re going back past jairek didnt count from Oct ‘14 and didnt want to be my boyfriend, Steven from ‘13 who didnt want to leave his baby mama for me, and James ‘12 who was lying to me about the 4 other relationships he was in... they all dont count and neither does Stefano before them in ‘11 because he didnt want to be my boyfriend either, so there you have it folks. I dumped myself in 2011 when I left Rick, and I haven’t had a real relationship since then.

5years later and I haven’t learned a damn thing but what NOT to do.

I’ve got to make some serious changes

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Where have I been?

You know, looking back, it’s hard to even determine the ups and down of the crazy ride i’ve been on. The age 25 never looked so depressing until i’m here halfway to 26, realizing that the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do with myself, for myself...is grow up.

Maybe it’s because I was born too grown, and i grew up trying to unlearn the ways of my past life. Maybe i’ve gone too far and receded into a version of me that’s nearly lifeless, clinging to anything that may give me meaning or purpose. 

Maybe i’m just depressed. 

One thing I do know is i’ve been alone for a good while. 

I havent been in a real relationship since 5 years ago. 

I’ve been running from reality ever since, and a part of me is still running from the fact that I may end up alone for the rest of my life, and I just might have to make due with that.

There’s just too much on my plate to even think straight, or sideways, or even upside down. 

I need a break. And there’s never going to be one.

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Its odd but ive noticed a pattern. And it has to do with the universe. Removing people from you life, A lot of people like to think they have a hand at play when it comes to removing someone out of your life or vise versa, when really, your time is simply up in each others lives. The worst people come, make it seem like a connection has been established, and the next thing you know, youre wondering what you did so wrong to make them never contact you again. People come and go, but the ones who arent meant to be there leave in the middle of the night without warning, without resolution. But dont fret. Dont beat yourself up, dont stay up countless nights like me wondering why you just cant seem to get along in this sea of fish world, for those people arent ready, unworthy, or beneath your standards and even if you wanted to keep them around to destroy your character, the universe wont let you. So they are taken away. The universe knows that you woukd keep them at bay despite the damage it does to you because of your need for loving and understanding people. It knows you have the biggest heart, and want to make room for every single person you encounter in it, but there simply isnt enough room. Thats the thing. Evey connection is so precious, we use a bit of ourselves on each one, so when too much is being pulled from your soul, you lose yourself for people who are just using you to create their own karma. So the universe tricks yoy and steers you in a different direction and while youre looking the other way, sweeps the mess out the front door and whe you turn around, all you can ask is "wasnt there something just there?" And the universe shrugs with a smirk and says "well idk, its gone now, so does it really matter?" And slowly settles back to doing its thing, letting you live under the illusion that youre carrying on with life until its time to add or remove another person. I can see why people would be frustrated with God, but hes got a bigger plan and just because its annoyig sometimes to deal with doesnt mean its not whats best for you. Suck it up, Jay.

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Yes, life has changed yet again. Only this time, im beginning to catch the pattern. Its quite amusing, looking into the past, i only wish i had been more descriptive at times. Like the fact that i havent had a real boyfriend since 2011, and every relationship/hookup/fling/one night stand was just nothing but a lesson learned. I dont pick em well. Ive opened my consciousness recently, allowing me to begin fine tuning my abilities and learn more about the universe while i have time, but i am doing a lot of time wasting that im not proud of. Dicipline is difficult, but its needed. And it starts now.

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Andy Goldsworthy

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Art of Farmland: A Jounay into Abstract Realism by Lisa Wood

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Such are the times

And times are changing..for once in my life, I'm on the road to good fortune and I'm sure that this is going somewhere.

He's all I could ever ask for.

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That feeling when you can't be still no matter how hard you try. There's always vibration therefore we are always swaying gently in the energy.

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Dark Side Gypsy for sale email Joc2p@Yahoo.com for details #art #canvas #painting #acrylics #jwpettaway #forsale

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Parrot Splatter for sale email Joc2p@Yahoo.com for details #art #canvas #painting #acrylics #jwpettaway