4uhr23

[4uhr23]

1:42 i should sleep, instead I turned on the light.

My mind is between feeling lonely and how the future is gonna look like. A bit of hornyness found it’s way in to the mix and right now I am getting the feeling of hunger.

So what should I do? Write everything down? But what exactly and in what format.

I am looking through old chats, in a hope of what? I don’t really know

[4uhr23]

It's 446 i hear the snowplough outside. My head feels heavy. It's like being sick. Just because I can't fall asleep so many different things in my head.

It's annoying.

And in the beginning i almost fell into Dreamland. Fuck that. Fuck all of that.

[4uhr23]

My head is heavy. My ears are snowy. It's 239. I want to sleep. But I can't. I want to write stories. I can't. I want to create a whole world. But i am missing the pieces. I am missing the pen to write it down. The thumps to click a machine.

I hear some drips outside. From time to time I hear my flatmates moving in their beds. It'd still so blue in hear. Is it the light of the street lamp shining through my curtain.

I turned off the alarm so I feel better in the morning. The whole day will change. But it's ok. It's possible. Everything is always somehow possible.

[4uhr23]

The day feels bad. The head is heavy and chaotic. The body not energetic. The mind restless without clear thoughts. It's all annoying.

[4uhr23]

I mean, it's a sign when she is 11.988 km away and Whatsapp introduces suddenly view once photos.

[4uhr23]

I wonder why I sometimes fall so deep where nothing brings joy and then suddenly Witt a click it stops. It's not like something happened it just changes.

[4uhr23]

It feels weird writing about it. But would you not try to at least provide some space so that nothing happens. Would you not at least try to make some changes. I do not really understand this behavioral decision.

Let's just hope it all works out.

[4uhr23]

I feel miserable the days where I do not wake up next you. I feel silly feeling so. I am scared that it will compromise what we have. Cause I am acting silly. Like I said. But than I am happy seeing a message from you on my phone.

[4uhr23]

Simultaneously you could say. We said that we're ours and quite soon my jealousy was certainly everywhere. Like it just waited. Like my head had just waited for it. It did not develop. It was like a hit. That night sitting at the table with your flatmate. I could not even realize what she said. It was just a name, and the words did not sleep there. And my stomach suddenly hurt, I was feeling sick. I could not hear right. Just put my fork into that sweet potato. And you asked me whether I am okay. And I said yeah why, and you started asking me about my mother. And wow, since then my mind is going up and down. Feeling like a fourteen-year-old kid.

But it is unlogical. What has changed to the connection we had before - not much. Are the expectations suddenly higher? Do I have too much time to think?

[4uhr23]

Everything was so calm. The light dim. No sound, no music. You were laying there, suddenly breathing differently, cause you were not awake anymore. But just for a few seconds. Out of the window it alsmost looked like christmas, and then you say that the neigbors put up christmas decorations so early. But there weren't any. Maybe there will be there the next time. Its possible. Somehow.

[4uhr23]

- Ich glaube ich sag diesen Satz zu oft. Es ist merkwürdig. ich glaube was ich so merkwürdig finde, ist dass du wo anders bist als ich. Meine Kurve ging mehr oder minder stetig nach oben. Natürlich als achterbahnfahrt. Deine ginge wahrscheinlich steiler nach oben, doch genauso ist sie wieder nach unten abgebrochen. Und jetzt bin ich da oben und du da unten und du sagst du fühlst dich so nah wie noch nie zu mir und ich fühl mich aber so fern wie noch nie zu dir. Und das tat weh so in der Magengegend. Und jetzt gerade auch und ich frag mich woran es liegt. Eifersucht kommt vom Vergleich mit anderen sagen manche und weil man eine Beziehung schützen soll. Keine Ahnung. Aufjedenfall ist es zu doll das Gefühl. Sie bringt mich zum Fallen wie der Herbst. Das trifft es gerade zu gut.

[4uhr23]

Do we have to have a conversation with our future selfs? Why do some people want to plan their life so much and other can't put it in words. They somehow go with the flow. Going somewhere doing somewhere. Man I mean I never thought I'd be in Finnland now. Same as I thought I would never be in France nor doing a masters degree abroad. Well this was at least clear after France. So what are the benefits of planing your life ahead. So that you can arrange everything along a stringent line? You have a guiding arrow. And everything else will just fall along that way. What happens if you don't plan. If you just let your gut decide when it feels like it. You have some directions but you wouldn't manifest them like that. So Is there a real difference between these two? I wonder. It could be that these are more similar than we think.

[4uhr23]

Anfang Juni Wochenende war kuhl. Kihva sagt man in finnisch. Also für nice. Wir waren in Porvoo. Oder Borgo wie die finnischen Schweden sagen. War süß. Nichts besonderes. Ansonsten, waren wir paddeln im Stehen und ein bisschen am Strand sitzen. Das war entspannt. Lieber auf der 7 mit dir kommt. So fühlt sich das alles ein bisschen an. Fühlt sich auch gut an wenn man schläft und sie muss arbeiten. Und dann kommt sie rein weil sie kurz weg muss und man ist ganz alleine in der fremden Wohnung die einem gar nicht mehr so fremd ist. Man bedient sich am Kühlschrank, Holz Haferflocken aus der Kammer und macht sich seinen Kaffee in der futuristisch aussehenden Kaffeemaschine. Und während man frühstückt kommt sie durch die Tür. Fühlt sich in der Retrospektive leicht romantisch an. - Gerade regnet es. Jemand startet seinen Motor. Und stoppte ihn wieder. Die Tür geht auf und zu. Eine andere Tür geht auf. Das war's. Der Regen tanzt immer noch auf den Fensterbrettern und rutscht die Regenrinnen hinunter

[4uhr23]

I don't know if I like writing. Especially writing academic assignments. Like I admire it when I finally hit that stage where I am in the workflow, figuring out stuff, making sense and than connecting ideas and making up something new. But like just one look at something else and suddenly I am somewhere else. Oh this dress really fits with her way of walking. Oh this guy's pullover looks like he feels super confident in it. What why do you charge your phone through your computer instead of using the power supply. Like focusing is not possible anymore. And yes this text here is also a result of my lack of focus. I should be writing about Chinese public diplomacy instead.

Photography: Egypt. Alexandria. 1993.  Photographer:  Harry Gruyaert