4lxwalker

[4lxwalker]

( All friends social meta [Non LxP related post] )

Forgot what I was gonna say, but it was significant enough to title as such.

Idk, I’m sad that I won’t get my ethereal motivation back and I can tell, you can’t spite or please someone who simply doesn’t give af.

Plus K is smarter than me with computers and hacking, you can tell because they don’t brag as much as I do.

Ks sister and her gf are most likely smart with some aspect of hacking, trapping, recon, monitoring

Clearly people have some skill that doesn’t add up…

Oh, this…

All my friends treat me as if I can’t handle myself. When it comes to relationships they’ll be like “oh yeah I look for any red flags bro”

And not with you but with all girls people more recent even like the discord girls. ( so better hurry and make me yours XD jk you know we waiting, in a sense. Once it’s in motion LP we will be waiting)

TWO possible reasons they do this

1. They know I’m fine and can handle myself, but that I’ve been through severe trauma ( some person with some name gave me CPTSD, I guess that’s an actual thing too, but a very mild mild case and it more manifests in self esteem and thinking issues than in a visceral way like the regular PTSD is )

2. They just flat out think ima bitch so they think they gotta look out for me

I feel like K probably sees it that way

It’s fucked up like how I told you a tiny bit about how well we got along when we first met ( re-met we knew each other as kids ) and now that I see it for what it is, we don’t get along that well, she was just over sharing and had a rough day, and I mistook that for her being a friend who is puppyish and empathetic like me.

Really she was just being nice because it was the first time we met and she was being formal.

Or maybe deep down she really does care, and truly does just have an inexhaustible absolutely inexplainable way of seeming emotionally distant.

She’s not stupid so i know it’s the first one. Which is fine

That’s something I thought and expected, not something that actually was.

It’s like, other people can make her cry and feel all sad because she cares about what they think.

I could say whatever in the world and it would not phase her one bit, that’s how you can tell. It would not make a difference to her whether I stopped existing tomorrow or not, besides a sigh of relief because she’ll no longer have to worry about formalities.

Nobody did anything wrong in her case so it’s nothing I can be mad about.

I can only be mad at myself for being so stupid and thinking people have a better nature than they do.

Because it sounds bad the way i portray K.

But nobody should EXPECT friendship just because they were nice.

She was hinting at that too,

“You know how guys just EXPECT something, and yeah it can be in a completely non romantic context too like friendship, just because you were nice to them once or something”

( quote not exact )

So I’m making it clear I’m not faulting or shaming K in any way.

Just dealing with my own sadness about it, because I had thought it was something else.

And I thought I had gotten smart enough to be able to tell and read people , but I’m not.

[4lxwalker]

Parent: you done talking to L?

Me: yeah, idk she had to go on an errand

Me: it’s like, I could talk to other people like K ( gotta quit using her as an example because she’s not special , which is sad to say, because we thought she was in a certain way like empathy and to confide in)

Me: when I talk to L, she genuinely gives a fuck, not because she has to, not because of anything, but because of who I am.

That’s someone who likes me for me.

You know in todays world, that’s a pretty big deal to find when it’s an actual thing, someone who truly likes you for you.

Sorry L for turning this into K rant again, I guess I’m processing the fact that that stuff hurts my feelings, I used to dissociate From feelings instead of take them head on.

So that may be one of the reasons you like hearing me get mad so much L ;) XD

I guess I am really hurt about K because now I know the answer and it’s not her fault, necessarily.

MAKING somebody care if they don’t care, that isn’t the vibe, that’s not what we are trying to do, so that would defeat the purpose entirely.

And like you can tell, and I’m still down with the fact that K cares superficially, it’s better than nothing.

[4lxwalker]

We need

“I” need,

A place where I can tell you things without a filter.

Keeping a filter so they don’t find out is more important so we can continue to talk to each other.

Or just straight break it off and be like too bad so sad, and I’ll get tickets ready.

^ but yeah, ignore that.

See, now I’m looking into this as if it’s a real thing, I convinced my boomers, they’re okay with it.

So now that I’m looking at it like a thing…

I’m scared to get hurt, let down.

Because that’s what most people do to me, and that’s people like my parents who don’t even matter.

A lot of friends ( former ) and others have let me down too.

My family friend that I get along with so well let’s me down, because I thought we had a bigger connection but she doesn’t view it that way, so it’s hard for me to be motivated for my self improvement ( i genuinely thought she was a person who puts effort into caring about people like how I do )

I’m just so scared of being let down.

And when that happens, when the other person is aware you like something …

Then they have power over you

But I’m telling you this stuff because you’re the one true one that I can see myself with, you care, you listen, we have our differences like all people do, but you actually give af.

And for that you see how nice I treat and treated you over the years, I’d give the world to you.

And I never like to be open&vulnerable with you, you know that.

But if we’re really doing this, then I might as well say how I feel so I can try to be at peace.

All this stuff has been difficult for me, in such a bad place that I’ve been not treating myself so good.

My health and workout stuff is amazing, but that’s because I have to be better than people , it’s because I think so low of me that I at least know that if I have muscles and a good physical appearance, that that’s a real thing and it can’t be taken from me.

I worry if saying too much ruins things, it tends to do that with people I care about.

But with you, you seem to enjoy when I say a lot, which is the most awesome thing :)

And if things work out, I won’t always be like this, all complaining and worried…

It’s just a hectic time so it makes sense that I’d be like this, or at least it’s not for no reason.

I’d bother my family friend but I know she sees it as a burden or she too would ask me if I’m okay or something.

So that’s why you, it means so much to me I can’t really put it into words.

Because there aren’t words.

We need to be close to each other, being next to you like some of my favourite memories of before, that’s what would be awesome.

At the end of the day I’m still doing great , even by myself I’m still gonna do okay ( although with my family friend being a let down I’m gonna lose a lot of motivation, she motivated me to do better in all aspects of my life when I thought that she cared like how someone like me would care, where they put in an effort to be there for you, what I experience now is all one sided, she knows there’s no such thing as bothering me. )

But let’s not turn it into a K thing, I guess K bothers me because I did think I had a special friend I could turn to for anything , but maybe that will come with time. But it probably won’t

I feel sad because in the moment when me and K first hung out, it seemed like she was really really cool and down to be there for me ( like in the way we know, not in the way where she just says those things but isn’t really there and doesn’t make an effort, because in reality she’s concerned about her own self and not anyone else really )

So I guess , to be next to her, ( the other girl in this story who isn’t K ) ( clearly )

That’s what would be nice.

It scares me how happy it makes me.

[4lxwalker]

Ghoul (Japan)

[4lxwalker]

Test

[4lxwalker]

[4lxwalker]

It

Would in a sense, be 100% life changing.

So if it’s to be considered, it should be serious.

Frankly idek either way

[4lxwalker]

Lmao lil irony light hearteds

[4lxwalker]

Come to the city with me, right by the coast too.

Just so many amazing things If that were a reality.

Shelf life = absolutely unlimited ;)

[4lxwalker]

by Simon Dubreuil

[4lxwalker]

I miss

When she would pull me closer in the middle of the night

And sigh in her sleep saying don’t go whenever I’d wake up in the middle of the night.

I miss a lot of things about her.

Who knows what will happen.

Expression is not a bad thing if both people know it’s happening.

[4lxwalker]

Forgot what I was gonna write so

Just wish you were here