4evermanic - Tumblr blog

[4evermanic]

.5

i was scared to be alone. even for a moment. so I gave away pieces of myself in exchange for company. dull and fleeting company. the kind that cared nothing about you. the kind that looked in your face and said I love you while collecting the pieces you gave and swallowing them whole. pieces you learned to unlove as a result. to let go with a hard gulp and heavy mind. with a light heart and an empty inside. the company is full. that's when they leave. swiftly. they leave me empty or half full. depending on the glass. the glass is broken now. the shards fell long ago causing cuts and scrapes to anyone who dared try to clean it up. it prefers to lay broken and untouched. waiting for nothing in particular. just maybe to be blown a kiss by a stranger who can't see through it. who can't see that the glass isn't really broken. just laying lonely and untouched unsure of how to pick itself up. unsure of the correct words to say as others pass by evading their eyes with a misguided sense of guilt or shame. the glass cannot tell because the glass does not have eyes. even yet, the glass still feels alone.

[4evermanic]

.4

you never know a good thing till its gone. but i knew. i knew how good it was, so i clung tight. i squeezed and clawed until it bled through. through your thoughts, through your skin, past your heart and around your head. then it fell. flat and vanished. invisible but still present. like the ghost of emotions we both refuse to feel. haunted by what we thought would last forever. stranded in imaginary isolation. unreal loneliness. but im with u. always past your heart and around your head.

[4evermanic]

[4evermanic]

.3

maybe its for the best. because you were everything i hate about myself. your spunk was a thick aura you used as protection. to coat you as you fought and clawed your way through the world. unstoppable from the outside but broke and confused within. am i the one whos confused. did i lose? was i the dead weight holding you down, dragging behind you just thankful to catch a few rays of your blinding light of personality. a light that few dared to gaze. even fewer are granted a look beyond. beyond all the sound, when its quiet and dark, a gem. i am the shell. you are the gem. fragile and open and caring. brought up with love. could i have been the same? brought up with love, could i have been the gem? this lifestyle is lonely but i wanted to live it with you. why didn’t you want to live it with me? why am i no ones missing piece. i’m missing a piece i may have lost along the way. lost with the love that rarely rears its head these days. these days are spent hoping and longing to the void. the void stares back mockingly. i start to cry and get high and sleep and cry and get high and cry and cry and cry till i sleep. waiting for the void to answer. someone tell me whats missing. please whats missing. why am i not enough for me. 

[4evermanic]

.2

in the future pt. 1

i wake up with one of my pink fuzzy socks in my roommate’s bed. its slightly chilly but that just excites me for my morning tea. i stand up and turn on a podcast about my latest favorite show. brush teeth, wash face, apply deodorant. i plop on my wig, it has bangs and a streak of pink down the side. i decide to keep on my hysteric glamour shirt then put on some cargo pants i found in the mens section of pacsun. roll them up twice then go back to the bathroom. i run through my unchanging makeup routine, concealer. mascara. eyeliner. vaseline as lip gloss. I call my mom for our daily morning check up as i put on my shoes. I pack my backpack with 2 notebooks, my laptop, makeup/pencil pouch, a bottle of old sprite, a green hoodie and a cart. i pick up a refresher and various flavors of bread to eat with my friend in her dorm. (2 b continued)

[4evermanic]