4amscribbles

[4amscribbles]

9:11pm

This world is so hopeless and shitty I truly do find comfort in the small interactions i have with those close to me. All everyone does is cry and point fingers at each other. “Racist” “sexist” “phobic” etc. and yet no education is given. Instead of pouncing first and saying “you’re a whatever” attempt to educate the person and have them understand no that’s wrong. I had to educate a person who assumed everything Asian was Chinese but at no point did I call that person a racist. Merely uneducated. Will you get people who won’t understand? Yes and it’s difficult but hate will never resolve hate. I grew up with racist and sexist comments my whole life. I was immediately dismissed in a car accident for being a young Asian female driver when the woman lied about speeding and hitting me ruining my car when she escaped with a scratch and fleeing the scene. People assumed I was good at math and said my food smelled and was probably made of dog. And it wasn’t just one race of people.... it was Caucasian, African American, and Hispanics... all of them uniting to hate me because I was Asian. I was different. I was the minority. And that was ok for them because for a moment they didn’t hate on each other. They united to hate Asian people because why not? They were the extreme different. They eat with sticks, their language is far from similar, their eyes are slanted, they ate things extremely unfamiliar, they were different, they were not like the others at all. So why not gang up on them and their differences. I never once saw a person for anything more than “are they an asshole or are they nice” and yet I have encounter so many more assholes basing me on my preferences and on my ethnicity. People are just so disgusting.... but no one is willing to listen as I scream into the void.

[4amscribbles]

7:38pm

I’m a shit person that can’t even help her partner feel better when they’re depressed. I don’t know how other people get over their shit. I usually lock myself away and think that’s ok. I don’t see what’s wrong with it. But apparently that’s not what everyone does and because I don’t know what else to do they end up going to someone else to help them through it and I’m now stuck wondering what happened. What did I do wrong what could I have done better and I know not to put this on them and I don’t even want to tell them because this isn’t about me this is about them and helping them feel better but I couldn’t. So now I’m just stuck... thinking what did I do wrong... what can this other person do that’s better... sorry. Sorry I suck at making you feel better.

[4amscribbles]

9:12am

That tightness in your throat because you’re so angry you want to cry because any and all out bursts are frowned upon and risk your job but why care about your job? Why put a job before your mental health? Why should How you feel come after everything? Your mental health is an after thought to make it through this rat race of a life. Because “work to survive” don’t work for happiness. Happiness is something you can try and achieve when your older and your friends are far, forgetting, ill or dead. Happiness is something you make of a situation. So if it’s a shitty situation and you feel defeated it’s your fault because it’s what you make of the situation. Fuck that. Fuck people. Fuck everything. I just want to walk out and leave all this shit behind.

[4amscribbles]

8:00pm

Woo first time on the dot.

Fucking kill me. Please. It would be a fucking relief. I’m so fed up with everything in life I just want it to all fucking go away.

[4amscribbles]

9:42pm

No one will ever understand the pain and anguish you go through. They can attempt to sympathize with you but no matter what they will never truly understand and therefore will always belittle you when it comes to your suffering. Your pain, your anguish, your battles, are yours and you stand alone on the battlefield regardless of what anyone says. At the end of the day it is you and only you

[4amscribbles]

5:15PM

Fucking hate my “back up” at my job. She’s fucking stupid, lazy, and doesn’t deserve the title as a type of any management. She’s racist, she’s greedy, she doesn’t care about the job or the people, she makes fun of the other people, she’s not a nice person but puts up the pathetic front of “being a good person”. She kisses ass to move up while everyone else works hard. I can’t stand her. She won’t even go for other positions because she would actually have to work and she can’t do that.

She’s the worse.

[4amscribbles]

2:30am

Pros

He is a good person

He tries

He supports all of my bs

He deals with all of my bs

He’s a hard worker when pushed

He listens

He remembers most things (sometimes skewed)

He’s honest

He’s loyal

He cares

He’s selfless

He’s funny and does what he can to make me feel better

Con

Doesn’t work

He has a quick temper

He lashes out

He says things without thinking

He can be manipulative during arguments

He brings up everything from the past

Hes TOO honest

Low self esteem

Bleeding heart

How to fix

Squeeze hand when anxious and ready to flip to stop argument from escalating and start yelling

Focus on now

Confidence

Work and make real money

Prove there’s change

Will continue when there

[4amscribbles]

11:25am

Depression has taken hold since last night. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Is this relationship worth it? I feel like it’s all just out of convenience and comfort. Repeating words of I love you but is the feeling there anymore? I can’t tell anymore...

[4amscribbles]

10:24pm

Being one of the older kids in my family is a curse and a blessing all at once. I have to help them, take care of them, teach them basic life lessons, and things that their parents won’t want to teach them or talk about with them. It’s difficult. They’re stubborn, rebellious, absent minded and take everything for granted. They won’t learn till they’re there themselves. However watching them grow, learn, live, and figure things out on their own is so rewarding. It’s their life but look what things they’ve done with it. I’m scared watching them grow and time go so quickly but I’m happy watching them grow and become a great person.

[4amscribbles]

11:36pm

Not exactly 4am but exhausted yet awake like it’s 4am and you can either sleep for an hour or two and feel worse than before or stay awake and stare off into space and feel awake but mentally exhausted. I hate these choices.