40pens-blog - Tumblr blog

[40pens-blog]

It feels like it’s all a game of giving back every single hurtful thing in the world. I thought you’re supposed to strengthen each other, to stay strong for one another, to build each other up to be better. 

Why would you go back to a person to hurt them? Isn’t it enough that you got to ruin this person before? Is that what you call love?

A love that nourishes, that makes people better. What a concept.  

[40pens-blog]

Entering college, I never really wanted the degree that my parents made me take. I wanted film, but they stopped me. My degree is too technical and requires so much time and effort. But I’ve learned how to love it over the years. I promised I would continue even after the four years and get the four letters before my name. 

It was a very gloomy morning and my friends and I decided to meet at a cafe to work on our research since we didn’t have the morning class. My friend bought me breakfast and after ordering, I found out that the results were already out. 

I checked each name, looking for my surname in the list. Each name of the same first letter came after another.

I never found my name. 

[40pens-blog]

This is for you. 

Thank you for making me strong. For all the times where I thought we wouldn’t make it, you made it possible. You stay strong for us. You stay strong for me. 

I am not at my best but you make me believe that this is all worth it. This will all be worth it. We might find it hard now but we know we’re fighting for something. We are travelling through this road of stones and thorns to reach the best end. 

I cannot wait for the time where we go out from hiding. I want to show you off. I want to let the world know that

you have me, and I have you. That we have each other.

[40pens-blog]

*texts back 3 weeks later* sorry I fell asleep

[40pens-blog]

Distance is a bitch. 

Promise me that you won’t turn to someone when we know that we can’t do what we used to do anymore. Go on dates, watch movies, tell stories, and laugh. 

Fight for me.

[40pens-blog]

I do not get why it’s easier to write when you’re feeling sad. It feels as though you have so much to say when you are at your worst, rather than telling all the wonderful things that happened to you. Maybe it’s just the feeling of finding someone who would validate what you’re feeling but isn’t it just the same when you’re feeling at your best? 

Feeling extremely happy is much harder to express than feeling sad. It’s like, you’re not allowed to be happy for there are people who would do anything to feel even the slightest hint of happiness. A sliver of sunshine in their cloudy day... Everything’s much easier to express when you’re melancholic or desperate. Everyone accepts it right away because they might be having the same feelings. 

I don’t know. 

I don’t know how to write anymore. 

[40pens-blog]

towards the end

I have two days left for my internship and I cannot stress how pissed I am with what I’m experiencing now. This lady ruined it for me. I hope she fixes it. I don’t want my last memory from the internship to be a bad experience. I learned a lot and am still learning but she’s destroying it. 

[40pens-blog]

I cut my own hair. 

[40pens-blog]

o v e r w h e l m e d

I have been trying to upload videos as consistently as I can and it has been great. The progress is slow but I’m enjoying how I get to share bits of myself to the whole internet. 

It was in 2012 when I decided that I want to be a content creator. However, I didn’t have the means to do it. I was stuck with a semi-good point and shoot camera that took half-decent videos. I also had a very sucky video editor. In 2013, after being fed up from a family member, I stormed back to my house and decided to pick up the camera. I ranted about how you never let anyone judge you and I guess that was it. It was December 31st. 

I kept on uploading content whenever I felt like it but it wasn’t until January 2017 where I promised myself that I would do it. Now that we’re in July, I am less than twenty people away from 900 subscribers. I know it’s slow for people can get thousands over night. 

I love where this is going. I still don’t use the big word: “youtuber”. I just tell people that I make videos. 

check out my videos here.

[40pens-blog]

ten plus nine

some self portraits that I took. here’s to turning nineteen.

[40pens-blog]

h e l l o ;

I haven’t been at my best. My peers are already in their internship while I am left at home loathing, waiting for a miracle. 

Imagine walking in a mall and you’re hanging by a thread: trying to endure a panic attack with no one to run to. 

Lately, I’ve chosen to face my own battles. I don’t ever want to be a liability to anyone - I don’t want to drag other people in this big hell hole that I have inside me. I haven’t been writing for months now. I got stock in legal papers, drafting one form to another. I miss writing so much. I miss hearing someone say that they like what I’ve written. 

The other day, I was told that this professor would remember me because I write well. Well, but with so much emotion. It’s still a dream of mine, you know. To be able to publish something I’ve written and people would enjoy it. Too much for writing. 

I wish I would have a support person, someone whom I can run to without feeling the heavy guilt of being a huge liability to them. Without thinking that I would be wasting their time and effort. 

Here’s a little song. 

[40pens-blog]

happy

It’s 7:00 in the morning and I’m writing this with a hot cup of coffee and an indie playlist playing in the background. I’m supposed to be writing my damn essay for one of my classes. Let’s procrastinate, then. 

Life has been crazy lately but I am finally happy, or I’m getting there, at least. Maybe the universe decided to let go of me in their suffering area and moved me to happiness. It’s an indescribable feeling. It’s always fleeting but it always comes back. 

[40pens-blog]

An outfit from my new YouTube video where I did eight outfits from one shirt!! You can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kh161pLm_o&t=27s !!! :D

[40pens-blog]

Today is a happy day. I got to see my grades from last semester and I’m pretty happy with the grades I got. They were higher than expected. I didn’t expect much, really. The past semester was definitely the hardest, thus far. 

I spent countless hours at the school library to the point that the librarians know who my friends and I were. We spent so much money on photocopying cases and printing the readings. It’s good training. We are trained to read a lot and I’m glad that we wrote a lot last semester too. I had a legal writing class and we wrote so much essays in my other class, legal methods. I’m taking Bachelor of Science in Legal Management in college. 

Getting high grades was at the bottom of my list from last semester, really. All i wanted was to pass all my classes but the grade conscious freak didn’t die inside me. Of course, I will always be conscious of my grades no matter how much others say it doesn’t measure intelligence. With reason, it’s still not bad to achieve high grades and pass your classes. 

I know that the next semester will be more challenging since I’ll be having six majors but that’s okay. At least I now know that I am capable of surviving the program and there’s so much more to learn. There’s so much stress to go through and longer nights. Nonetheless, I know these are all worth it for it’ll prepare me for the bigger picture: law school. If the odds are on favor and if I work hard enough, I only have three semesters left for college. 

This isn’t me bragging. This is me reflecting on my capabilities as a student and how I’m doing with managing my time. I have given so much time on procrastinating last semester and it was bad. I hope to become better this coming semester. I’m pretty excited to learn so much more from my professors. 

[40pens-blog]

I’m worth so much more than the ways I’ve been treated

[40pens-blog]

I decided to read some of the things that I wrote and share it on my soundcloud. This isn’t much, you just need earphones and a quiet place. Writing and reading helps me a lot.

[40pens-blog]

J a n u a r y  9  t h   2 0 1 7

All the chances that weren’t taken, all the what ifs and could’ve been-s. 

My almost three years of relationship just ended. We were supposed to be celebrating our third year together on March but things change, people change. Sometimes you just realize you’re left drowning while the other one already reached the shore and couldn’t wait anymore.

The almost three years of great adventures in spite of distance between us. We never thought that it would be this serious because we were just fresh from high school and we all know that high school relationships don’t last. Well, most of them. Almost three years filled with lots of lessons and sacrifices.

I was given almost three years to look deeper into his soul, past his freckled skin that I love most. I was given almost three years to know every detail about him, like the two moles he has on his right cheek, like how I have two moles on my left cheek. I was given almost three years to understand him more and be as patient as I could be.

We were only given a number of hours to be together and my most favorite ones are those when I can stay longer and fall asleep beside him. We were given only a number of hours to see each other’s faces and remember every detail about ourselves. We were only given a number of hours to say how much we missed and love each other.

Three years of ups and downs, three years of filling in the gaps from we were away from each other. It took me three years to understand that sometimes, you just can’t rely on I love yous because you have to feel it. You have to see it. The moment you cannot, that’s where it falls apart.

It took me three years to realize that no matter how hard you try, you can never be enough. Your actions get annoying... you crave for more attention. It took me three years to realize that people get tired too. They get tired from how things are left monotonous, like the plant you bought but never took care of. It took me three years to realize that no matter how hard you try, when the other doesn’t feel it anymore, you can’t force it. You never will.

It took me three years to realize that people burn out too, like candles. They bring the brightest light the first time you carry it between your hands, making sure that the fire won’t go. It took me three years to realize that candles melt and each wax drop is painful but you still hold it anyway. It took me three years to realize that the longer you try to keep the light, it will die out eventually. 

I think there’s so much more room for realizations but here’s the thing. Three years are enough to see the beauty in someone. The way their face brights up when they’re talking about something they like. The way they talk when they feel like something is wrong. The way they chew their food, the way their face dims when they’re angry. 

Three years are enough to see a person wholly and stick with them through the tough times. Three years are enough to make people realize that they couldn’t fight for something they want anymore. That it’s easier to give up than to try. 

You gave me three years to see the best in you despite the bad. You gave me three years to know every bit of you and understand you. Three years that all melted so you can find yourself without me to guide you. It would’ve been nice to grow with you, to find ourselves side by side. 

You found the shore and I’m still learning to swim.