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[245-am]

To the person who'll come across this account:

Most of the posts here are actually confession blogs that I wish I could say to the person I've been adoring, but I'm scared...

I know it's kinda impossible for him to stumble across this page since I'd like to keep this account lowkey as much as possible. However, nothing's impossible (I guess).

If this ever sparked your curiosity on whether this account is dedicated to you, feel free to check out some blogs here and there.

If you do believe that the person I've been referring to is you, message me the first movie we saw together.

If not, feel free to explore the crazy mind of a hopeless romantic — I mean if you want of course, ain't forcing anyone — who suffers from finding herself, who tries to work their ass off battling college, and who acts like the world revolves around them. I'm kidding, I really am just an ordinary person who uses this platform as a place to vent and tell stories.

Much love,

Ligaya♡

[245-am]

Word Vomit 2: W1502

It's funny how one simple decision could change my life path. Was it really destiny though? Was it pure luck? Was it all because of how I am as a person and the people around me that influenced my decision?

It was the November of 2021. I felt so burned out I have been working on my tasks last minute which then results to a subpar output. I was lost, I was tired, I was depressed. Sick and tired with the constant stress and pressure I'm in that time — well, in all honesty, they're still here with me. Anyways, I was truly close to filing LOA (Leave of Absence) so that I can give myself some break mentally and physically. I already have the needed requirements, and all that's left for me to do is to submit everything. However, I didn't push through.

For some reason, I still worry about others. You see, we already have groupings for our midterms and finals. And because of these factors, I thought that all my efforts (or the lack thereof /j I actually worked my ass off) would be discarded. Plus, I wouldn't want to leave my groupmates cause it would probably be a hassle for them. So I stayed. Boy am I glad I did — of course despite my mental health falling apart.

I had no friends in my class so it was difficult for me to pick groupmates or a partner for our projects. But for once, God was I lucky. That time, I didn't have anyone to be grouped or partnered with. So I, of course, messaged the group chat and asked if I could join anyone who's got a group. I hesitated at first, but I had to toughen up a bit or else I would fall behind.

During that time, I was imagining different what ifs. And honestly, one of it is the "What if he'd be the first person to see my message?" or "What if he offers me to work with him?" Thinking about those what ifs, I just laughed it off and shot my shot. In rare occasions, the universe and my angels altogether side with me. And in that moment, those what ifs became a reality. It was a one in a million.

I was first intimidated and worried that I might not do well. I admire your work ethics, I admire how you're able to speak your mind, I just admire who you are. But as time goes by, we got the chance to spend more time together. I was able to know you more. I've learned about your imperfections and you showed me that it's okay to make mistakes. And in that moment, I already knew I was falling harder.

Though I'm not lucky when it comes to these typa things, I'll just let the wind take us to wherever it'll lead us to. With all the possibilities and choices I could've made, I'm so glad that our paths crossed. I'm so lucky to have you in my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I believe I've shown you how much I care and appreciate you. At this point, you probably already have an idea in regards to how I actually feel about you. I know I'm not as slick as I think I am whenever I like someone. I do apologize if I can get confusing, I'm just unsure if your feelings for me.

As much as I want to directly express my feelings for you, I just fear that it might ruin our friendship. Besides the fact that you're my first ever best friend during my college years, I treasure you in my heart that I don't want my feelings to get in the way. However, if the time comes wherein I'm ready to face whatever the consequence may be, I'll finally be honest. But for now, I'll just be admiring you from afar and keep my feelings hidden.

And so, if this don't work out the way I wanted it to, maybe in a parallel universe? But you know what? Regardless of what's gonna happen between us in the future, I'll forever thank the stars and the universe that I at least got to have you in my life.

Looking forward to seeing you in real life some day... For now, we can only settle with zoom calls and movie marathons <3

Ligaya - 6/6/22

[245-am]

Word Vomit: W1502

You're confusing

What's up with hot & cold

Should I stay or should I go?

This distance between us, I can't take it anymore

I pray to one day see you and be with you

Please wait for me

Ligaya - 21/5/22

[245-am]

Hey nerd!

To my first ever college friend that I became hella close with due to this one film project, I really genuinely like you & I'm glad to have met you.

I'd love to hear about a lot of pop culture information you know. I'll never get tired of hearing you explain something I know you love. I'll forever be interested in whatever you say C:

Looking forward to watching movies, having random kwentuhans & calls, and seeing you irl.

I'll be keeping my promise <33

Do wait for me, yea?

Ligaya - 20/5/22

[245-am]

Happy Fucking Birthday: Still Hoping for a Plot Twist

Everything feels unbearable holy crap. Stuff has been happening all at once and they aren't even good. Nothing's great actually.

Here I am spending my birthday in the bathroom listening to music as I bawl my eyes out.

I really really don't know why these are all happening to me. What the fuck did I do lmao is this some mercury retrograde shit? Bro what even is that.

Might as well be the last birthday. Idk how much longer I can last in this shit hole. I'd gladly leave if I could. I'm just tied down because I don't wanna leave some people.

Ligaya - 5/19/22

[245-am]

Random Thought Entry 1: My God do I wish I can go back to the time where everything felt fine.

Ever since the pandemic happened, shit just went downhill. I'd like to first point out that my life, prior to this whole chaos, wasn't perfect — obviously I had my days where I'd just cry myself to sleep. But other than that, my life wasn't that crappy. I had friends I could rely on, I felt free, met a new buncha people, hell I was able to step out of my comfort zone.

Shit, I had everything I wanted. Life felt perfect regardless of the ups and downs. It's pretty balanced, I'd say. For the first time, I have finally experienced what it's like to ACTUALLY want to live each day. Only to have those moment and the idea to be taken away, again. Pandemic happened & I've been stuck in this hellhole for God knows how long.

Where do I start?

Never have I thought I'd actually feel WAY worse than before. Why is it so hard to convince myself that waking up tomorrow ain't a bad thing? I was doing so well, I had everything lined up in my life for once. Shit's funny cause it's making me start to think that I'm destined to have a shitty life experience with some "fair share" of good moments. But that ain't lasting long for sure.

I'm turning 20 tomorrow and I legit have no idea how to feel exactly. I'm a thousand miles away from my friends and my home. I barely have any friends in this university I'm attending since it's from my home country and I ain't there.

Everything just feels so off, but I have no fucking choice but to try to live.

All I wanted is to have my life back. I really really really miss the feeling of wanting to live each day.

I wish everything goes back to the way it was

I wish to spend my birthday with my friends

I wish to live my life normally as a college student

I wish to go home

I wish to meet new people

I wish to be able to get out of my comfort zone

I wish to have my life figured out at least. Even just a little bit

I wish to have that spark of wanting to live again

And fuck it: I wish that the person I like feels the same way

It's tiring, really. But I have no other choice but to live each day no matter how tiring or frustrating it can be. I just hope to get out of this hellhole — seriously, how many times do I have to say "it is what it is."

Ligaya - 5/18/22

[245-am]

Entry 2: "I Was Enchanted To Meet You"

Words I want to tell you, but can't because I'm afraid. But one thing I'll make sure you'll know is that "I was enchanted to meet you":

1. I just wanna point out that I find your smile really cute especially when you're about to laugh. It also makes me smile for some reason ^^.

2. I genuinely like spending time & hanging out with you. You say that you're boring or KJ, but honestly, I actually find you interesting.

3. I admire your hard work and all the efforts you put to in your work especially if it's something you're passionate about. As someone who's worked with you, I find your output well-made or well-written. So it's okay if there are times when you work slow. I trust you enough that I don't feel as anxious when it comes to other group/partner tasks.

4. As I've mentioned before, I am not exactly talkative to others especially when having to meet new people. But for some reason, I just felt really comfortable with you. I can't exactly pinpoint what, but there's just something about you that made me feel at ease. Yes, feel special, I only become comfortable with someone if I know you well or if you've passed my vibe check.

You are like a dream come true

Don't wanna wake up

If it means I'd be with you

5. It's not that I'm forcing myself to do what seems to make me uncomfortable. It's more like I'm trying to do better, facing my fears, and stepping out of my comfort zone by doing all these because I feel safe & comfortable around you. Sure I get pretty hesitant at times, but that's normal.

6. Well you arent a jester to entertain people. You're a human being with just as much validity as everyone in the world. You don't have to relate to whatever they do or have the same interest as them. If you make them feel interesting, they'll definitely think the world of you. Of course you'd rather hangout with the person who finds the things you like interesting and vice versa. That's how friendship.

7. You are not boring, there are just people out there who ain't interested, but it's never on you. Sa dinami daming tao, there's definitely someone out there who will find you interesting not because of shared interests, rather, how you make them feel. And of course, I'm one of them.

Ligaya - 5/4/22

[245-am]

Entry 1: "In Time, I Will Leave The City. For Now, I Will Stay Alive"

It's currently 12AM as I'm writing this entry — hoping my dumbass won't delete this again — in complete darkness.

I'm a thousand miles away from the place I call home. I'm stuck in a small space with a buncha people so working here is way worse that I can't seem to focus. Some say I'm lucky, some say I'm privileged, while some say I'm living the dream. Truth is, it's neither any of them. To be honest with you, things have been going downhill that it dragged my ass and my mental health to the deepest pits of hell.

It's not like I'm doing any better prior to this, I just really came to a conclusion of how messed up I actually am. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm doing jack shit to help myself. Of course I try to get better. I hate being stuck in this state. But honestly, it is also my fault for keeping everything hidden. I've hid what I'm actually feeling, what I want, and what I wish I could say. They're all suppressed. Hidden by a mask — fake it 'til you make it they say.

"But why? Isn't that gonna make you feel way worse?"

The truth is, I'm just scared of telling others what I feel. To be more specific, I'm referring to whenever I feel like complete shit. The reason is that I don't wanna burden anyone with my problems. Being vulnerable might make them either hate me or worse, use them all against me. However, there are only a few people in my life that I feel like I could be vulnerable with.

"So why can't you just tell them what you feel?"

Well, it's easier said than done. I had a past issue of trusting someone, only to realize that it was the biggest mistake. But moving on, I have met some people who I can trust — hoping my guts are right that I have been trusting the right people. It's still hard for me to open up, but there are some progress here and there at least.

Things have been tough. It's been a year now and I wanna leave. Maybe for good. But no matter how hard I try to run away, I can't help thinking about my loved ones. What'll happen to them if I were to leave?

It's funny to think that even in my hardest moments in life, I could just easily run away. But of course, I still have the audacity to remain selfless and think of how this decision would impact or effect the people I hold dear to my heart. I could be thinking of myself and how it would stop this endless suffocation. But no.

If getting what I want means having to hurt the people I love the most, then I don't think I can do it. No matter how much the thought echoes in my head.

I must try to survive. Live a little bit longer for them. And thus, in time I will leave the city. For now, I will stay alive.

Ligaya - 4/18/22