19deg-c - Tumblr blog

[19deg-c]

日•子

其實呢，我覺得自己很像個小女人。雖然童年的時候會想要做個女強人，但是自從遇到他我就很自然的變成了一個整天被他抱著，護著，疼愛著的小孩子。不喜歡吃的東西，別吃。不想要做的事，別做。想要買的東西，看了確認了「好你去買吧。」不掃地不拖地懶惰不想煮飯都只要撒嬌就突然間不用去做。

不會洗廁所的我每個禮拜天都只要伴著委屈的臉，我就不用擦馬桶擦浴缸。他只會對我說「浴缸馬桶我做。你去整理廚房就好。」

只要輕輕的說「我不會。我不想要做嘛。」

他就很自然的「放著吧，你不做等下我做。要是我也懶惰的話，我們就放著到假日的時候一起做吧，嗯好嗎？」

好當然好啦。 就這樣寵我愛我。

上街逛逛的時候，想買什麼尤其是化妝品／包包／靴子他都會有很好笑很納悶很膩寵的表情看著，「想要？要用喔。我不是億萬富翁。買給你OK但是你要用。」

「我回家就用！」

「好，那買吧。選好了嗎？」

有時候我心裡會抽著，「不買。因為我們沒錢。不買。」

他都會很生氣，「哪裏沒錢了？我有。你要買就買！」

他不喜歡逛街。但是如果我想逛，他就笑著陪我逛。我很不懂事，很幼稚，很小氣。每次心裡想要的東西價錢都是要三思的但他每次都會「買吧，但是買了這個那就不能那個了噢。」只要聽到這一句，我自然也會收手。因為不要為難。看看就好。「我很乖，我不買。」

他一個人住。家裡會亂，會髒。兩個人住，家裡就比較整齊，乾淨。因為我有小潔癖。知道我有潔癖，他都會把自己的東西放好。反而有時候我的東西，我隨便丟。他都會默默的幫我撿起來，收好。「妳的東西自己放好。已經第四次了。」

我不收，因為你會收。

兩個住難免會吵架。吵起來，我就哭。那兩個月裡面可以講我變成個哭包子。很多時候他生氣時嘴巴就不會注意。不管了，說了不好聽的。我就像被踩到的狗默默地變哭包。當然男人最不想看到是眼淚。他會來哄我，抱我，疼我。但是也很像一個穩重的男人跟我說「我說難聽了。我錯了。可你知道你也有錯對不對？」

我很想念這樣的日子。這兩個月雖然我很廢，很懶，但是我看到我的未來。我看到我想要過的日子。以前的女強人夢早已結束。遇到了他，我變成了一個很黏很煩很愛哭的孩子。以前的「不哭，不鬧，不撒嬌」在兩個月內變成了「一哭，二鬧，三上吊」

他的耐心與溫柔一直被我挑戰著。

他沒哭沒鬧也沒有想上吊。反而來接受我的孩子氣。

我曾問他「還愛我？還要娶我？」

他的回答很簡單，「當然愛。當然娶。你再怎樣鬧，我都娶。娶妳回家，讓妳整天對我鬧。我不煩，我不罵。我倒要看你能鬧多久。」

嘟著嘴，「不開心。」

「請你吃飯，吃零食，吃不吃？」

廢話嘛，當然吃。不吃哪裡對得起自己。

現在想想回不到那樣兩個人住的日子就傷心。傷心想哭，但是哭不得。因為沒人來幫我擦眼淚。這次被他娘的美國移民局拒絕了美國簽證，我是一輩子踏不進那國家。沒有了相依為命的日子，我又要做回一個女漢子突然感覺很不踏實。很不是滋味。要哭，但又不是大事。不哭，又感到委屈。

想著就不舒服。又回到了「牛郎織女」的節奏。一年一次一禮拜。

[19deg-c]

. d a r k s i d e

Is it alright for me to hear your voice in the back of head? Your voice, that laughter, that smile, those words that you said when I last saw you kept repeating itself at the back of my head. There were times where I blanked out, hearing you inside me. There were times that I nearly vomit my lunch out when I had a flashback of you. The places we went before still triggers me. Those facebook memories still triggers me. Those little tweets that I send before and after your death still haunts me.

You still haunt me.

I am crying again.

Help me.

People said when a closed one committed suicide, the ones who are affected and can’t handle it will soon follow. From time to time, I get that. I understood that. I felt that so close to my core, in my spinal cord, in my veins, underneath my tissue… so much so that when I looked down from my window, the penknife or the chopper in the drawer, I will ask myself if I am ready to be on my way to you.

But I am not.

I am scared of the physical pain, the pain that comes after I go… the pain that you left in me.

I tried it before and I am not ready for Death, no matter how much sought for it.

And those times that I couldn't follow it through, the guilt inside me mocked me. They mocked, ridiculed and laughed at me, using your face and voice. I am having a headache. I am dying inside out. In that moment, I thought I will die if this continues. Drink a glass of water, slap myself with cold water and yelling in the pillow… they don't work.

I am asking myself why did your death affected me so much? Is it the guilt of having the most days to rescue you? Is it the time we spent and I always dismiss you with an eyebrow raised and a laugh? All this pent-up emotion broiling, churning like acid in a pot is burning me, tearing me apart. I am suffocating. I am drowning in this pit of writhing guilt, anger, confusion and melancholia.

I can’t watch Shingeki no Kyojin and at Levi Ackerman in the face without hearing your fangirling. I cannot see another poster of Free! and not see your sparkling eyes behind that specs and those cheeks trying to hold in the squeals of excitement. I can’t go to that McDonald’s at Bras Basah Complex without seeing a figure of you and me at that corner of second floor, typing fanfics on our laptops while munching at fries and sipping milo.

Do you remember that, my friend? We were supposed to be studying for o’levels.

It hurts.

It really hurts.

I want to avoid everything that relates to you, reminded me of you. I can’t do that. I live in Singapore. It is small and we went everywhere together when we were close. I can’t hide. I can’t avoid. I have to accept.

I have to move on.

I have to live.

I have to breathe.

… have to eat, shit and sleep. I. Have. To. Keep. Going.

But your voice echoes and it hurts.

It really fucking hurts.

Help me.

Hey, Jill.

Help me.

I am fucking begging you.

Help.

[19deg-c]

j i l l

hello, my dear old friend. 

I am sorry that I didn’t notice the hints. I laughed when you said you made a list of friends you wanted to meet and I was the first. I smacked you playfully while I told you to stop your joke because you sounded like you wanted to leave me forever. I didn’t know that you have been planning for so long. That was 5 months ago. 

If only I knew that you were serious. If only I heard through all those giggles and fake promises of yours. If only I sat you down and spoke to you in a serious manner. If only I took your words seriously. If only, if only, if only. But now... everything is too late. 

When you took the jump, I hope you felt the sense of freedom and release that you always sought. I hope those exhilarating sense flooded your nervous system like a drug and numbed the impact. I knew something was wrong when I saw the closed casket. I knew that you must be torn apart. I knew... but I was not strong to accept it. 

Until this afternoon when i heard the whole damned story. 

Jill, wherever you are right now, you are free. Free from the worries of this society, free from the cruel reality, free from the pain of conforming into this strict rules in the game of Life. You can do whatever you want, you can eat or drink whatever you like. Jill, but I am so afraid for you because you will be so alone. 

Or am I projecting my personal fear of being alone, being left behind by you on your afterlife? Am I the one being afraid to be alone, without you? Jill, your mother told me that you’re afraid that you’re not achieving enough while the people around you are achieving one thing or the other. 

I want to tell you. Jill, you are achieving something as well, everyday. Every single day, you wake up and go out into the world, worked your ass off and come home. That is an achievement. That is “doing something”. Sure, it doesn’t seems like a lot. It is a boring routine. But, that’s what everyone that you thought were successful are doing. We are not successful, we are just trying to get by everyday. 

Most importantly, we ain’t leaving you. And I feel sorry that I didn’t discover this sooner. This feeling you have inside you were eating you up, burning you out. I thought you going to a therapist would have helped you. I thought to give you the space you need because I don’t want to force you to do something with me that you might not like. You liked spaces. You told me you needed time off to think and recollect yourself for the better. 

I always allowed you that.  Now I thought about it.  Maybe I shouldn’t.

The cooldown time, the days you went off-grid in social media were the days that you thought about those... disgusting thoughts, right? Everytime you came out of it, you said you felt fresher, stronger and happier. Are you telling the truth? Jill, now I am going through every hazy conversation in my head and questioning why didn’t you say anything while saying everything... 

Everything is now too late. There’s nothing to say now. There’s only void. Everything I wanted to say will now falls into darkness. Jill, you left me with nothing but a “see you next time!”. 

“See you next time”, “let’s meet up soon!”, “we will meet again!”... why not, Jill, why not say, “hey, listen. Help me.” Jill, we are friends for 10 years, am I not worthy to hear your true thoughts? 

Depression is a scary dragon in the dungeon deep inside you. However, it doesn’t mean that you have to fight it alone. You have us, you have me. Jill, I know whatever that I am saying right now is for my own benefits, for my own peace of mind as you left me behind. But Jill, please. 

Please listen to me. 

Death is not a solution. It is a null. There’s no solution after death. It’s a void. So please if you have a second chance in life, please don’t choose this option ever again. Staying alive is harder, yes, but it creates so much more chances for change and for better or worse, we are always here for you. 

You are never alone, my old friend. 

I loved you.  I love you. 

[19deg-c]

心累

想活的人一大把，我卻在這裡想死。 死了該有多好，死了該有多棒。

死了就一了百了。 真好。

[19deg-c]

THE END

People said that at the brink of death, you will see a bright light at the end of darkness and if you walk into it, moving pictures of those precious moments you treasured most will be hung on those blindingly bright four walls. Frames of them playing like a broken record, staring and laughing at your confused expression. Some of them will be just like a low quality video, looped and mercilessly blaring into your ears. Words that they have said, words that you have said kept repeating themselves. It was almost like your subconscious does not want to forget even if you pass on to the afterlife. For those deceased without a good memory, the white room would be unbearable. Static noises and empty frames buzzing like a dead television, the room will be so suffocating that one felt like dying again. 

Trafalgar D. Water Law found himself in the room again. He gave the room a once-over and chuckled sardonically. Hands cold and feet shaking, he tried to breathe. Every breath he took seemed to freeze him from inside out. There was something that felt horrendously like the urge of break down and cry jammed down his throat. He could feel his tears threatening to fall as the deepest memories in his head were displayed before him. He was not a good man. He was a criminal. He was a pirate, an outlaw. He killed more than he saved. 

This room could have been overfilled with the blood and guts of the people he killed out of plain amusement and curious experiments. In the name of science, boredom and sick humour, he took innocent marines apart without anaesthesia. He used and abused his badge as a surgeon to open other minor pirates’ bellies without consent and drowned his angry or frustration in their slithering organs out in the open deck of the victim’s ships. And yet, moving pictures of patients he saved smiled down upon him. Their words of gratitude rained upon him, each drop hitting harder than the next. 

He nearly buckled under the weight. 

“Once more,” a soft voice spoke from below him. “you came here. I told you to go back, didn’t I?” The floor was rippling right below him as if he was the pebble that dropped into a quiet pool of water. 

He broke down, on his haunches and tattooed hands covering his face. He screamed into his trembling hands, trying to muffle out of the pain and fear with his palms. He screamed until he was choking and sobbing. He hammered the floor, rippling the ground. He pulled his hair hard, making them stood up in all directions. 

“What do you want!” He growled, uncaring of the saliva he spat. “What do you fucking want from me!” 

“Doctor, I don’t think you understand. I don’t want you here either.” the feminine voice tried to console. “You’re the one who kept knocking on my door and landed yourself in here.” 

“I want to get out.” Trafalgar Law hissed. “Let me out. I have a war I need to fight. I have a war to win. I have to save Eustass-ya!” 

The room remained silent. The lovely smiles and bright eyes faded from the screens. The frames emptied and plain. Trafalgar raised his head, eyes widened slowly in realisation of what this tranquility meant. His legs gave out on him. He sat on the cold floor, long legs sprawled out in awkward angle and his arms limped on his lap. 

“No.” he whispered hoarsely. “You don’t understand. I was trying to save him. I was trying to save him. I got him. His life was in my hands. I remembered operating on him with Ope-Ope. I remembered... No... you’re wrong.” 

“Doctor, you saved him.” the voice came from all four corners now. “You did save him. However, you didn’t save yourself. Why did you put yourself in line of fire?” 

“I don’t understand.” Hard steel returned into his bloodshot eyes. His dark eye circles much more prominent then before, he stared forward. He was oddly stern and calm.

At the corner of the room, a spot of black started to appear. A familiar cloying sweet scent of water lilies with underlying metallic hints of blood started to bloom as well. The black shadow grew vertically out of the walls and floor, into a hooded figure. Shielded in darkness, her fair-skinned legs peeked out from the cloak as she walked towards him cautiously. 

She stopped at the end of his booted feet and dropped into a perfect curtsy before sitting in seiza. She pulled her hood back, revealing her pretty heart-shaped face to him. Trafalgar Law was not surprised. He saw her a hundred times before in his submarine, in wars and in similar genocides that destroyed his family previously. The first time he saw her was when he was just a traumatised young boy. She was just a child as well. There she was stumbling down the burning pavement outside of his father’s hospital, crying at terror she witnessed. She was tripping over dead bodies of his country and her cloak. Her tears fell through her fingers that night and they seemed to sparkle from the flickering flames around her. 

“Kaido killed you. After saving Eustass Kidd, you were all tired out. You tried to pull yourself out of the firing range. You tried so hard to live. Eustass attempted to protect you as much as he could. However there was only so much a human can do, not to mention, a human that was being pulled back from this exact room seconds ago.”  

“Couldn’t you do something?” He charged forward. He grabbed her shoulders and shook. Locks of her lustrous brown hair fell out from the soft velvet. “Couldn’t you stop Kaido from killing me!” His hands gripped the sides of her expressionless face. Forehead against forehead, he begged, “Help me! For fuck’s sake, save me! I want to live! Let me live!” His tears streaked her skin. 

Her hands cupped his cheeks, thumbs going over his eyes gently to wipe the droplets away. If it was hurting her to have his fingers digging into her scalp, she did not make a noise. She hummed a lullaby. A lullaby his mother used to hum when she was trying to put him to sleep. He whimpered, shaking his head. She stopped immediately. 

“I can’t go back?” He asked, shakily. “You can’t put me back?” 

It was her turn to let out a little sob. Foreheads close, she touched her nose to his. This intimate gesture made him sigh. “I am so sorry, doctor. I am so so sorry, my lovely doctor. I can’t help you this time round.” She cried as he crushed her against his heaving chest. 

They held on to each other in the white room. She cried rubies and pearls while he cried tears. His fingers crumpled her cloak while her fingers creased his t-shirt. He begged her again and again, through all his snot, tears and spit. She just kept raining precious gems down her face. She could not bring him back. She could not let him live. She could not save him like how he did... with her when they were kids years ago. 

“I am so so sorry, brother dear. I am sorry. I love you. I am sorry.” 

[19deg-c]

幼馴染：Childhood Friend (2)

He rubbed his odd coloured eye while trying to stifle a yawn. Looking out at the scenery that were quickly zooming by and a quick look at the time reflected on his phone, Nozomi the bullet train should be coming to a stop soon. He patted himself down, making sure that all things were in place before rearranging his posture on his seat.

He pinched the bridge of his nose, frowning a little at the prickling headache. His head felt like marshmallow dipped in honey, dripping sickly sweetness and clouding the rest of his senses. It had been a long time since he felt this way; this uneasiness, unsettling feeling with a hint of underlying potential energy. He remembered the plague-like dream. He did not forget about that promise he made to himself years ago. He was secretly elated that he was allowed to act upon his wish by signing himself up for Rakuzan.

Rakuzan, Japan's strongest high school was located in Kyoto Prefecture. It was more than just a school for the sports-inclined. If you found yourself incomparable in terms of education, literary arts or sports, you would be joining Rakuzan. One does not need to be rich or famous to join such an elite school. The school prided itself on producing excellent student that were prepared for tough challenges and be great in all aspects of life. It was a school that prime ministers and royalties graduated from. It was only right of him, Akashi Seijuro to attend such a prestigious institution.

His parents were a graduate from this school as well. Apparently, so was that monster's father. Akashi looked at his sports bag, a little pensive. Inside his old Teiko bag was a couple of manila files his father given him and a stern verbal warning from his father. Manila files consisted of information of people that his father wanted him to get close to, to understand and assess. They were the sons and daughters of the same social status that would either be a threat in the future or be an asset if Akashi Global Enterprise absorb their father or mother's companies. Young Akashi's job was simple; get close enough to assess their value. If deemed worthless, cut them off completely. If deemed useful, use them until their knees gave up on them and then devour cleanly.

His lips curled slowly into a knowing smirk, as he went through drafts after drafts of ideas and plans he had formulated in his head after receiving those data from his father. He was focused and knew his next step in the game. He prided himself on being a step further, quicker than his opponents. Being ahead of them and watching them crumpled into a shivering pile of wasted meat and bones before him after struggling was what filled him with exhilarating anticipation and adrenaline.

He shifted in his first-class seat, restlessly. He couldn't wait to get out of the seat and off the train to breathe Kyoto's air once more, to see his old household's staff again and to enjoy breaking every single light in his targets' eyes when school begins. Speaking of breaking things, the excited gleam in his eyes darkened as his expression turned solemn once again.

The verbal warning his father gave left a bitter taste in his mouth as he recalled the words the father said. A week ago, Akashi had dinner with his ever-so busy father in their Tokyo mansion. His father made an effort to come home for dinner when he knew that Akashi would be traveling to Kyoto to prepare for his new high school life.

Over wine and steak, the duo ate in silence. The silence was heavy and to be honest, Akashi found himself curious at his father's sudden appearance at home. Ever since the death of his mother, his father brought him to Tokyo. However, raising him became the household servants', his instructors and tutors' job. His father barely came home to see him. Not even bi-weekly like how he did when the wife and kid were in Kyoto. Akashi's education reports and all sorts of achievement were delivered to the chairman through texts, emails and verbal correspondence. Akashi swore if he were to have a wet dream, his housekeeper would be calling his father about him reaching puberty.

"Seijuro, do you think Rakuzan is a good choice for you?" His father asked, his liquid gold eyes flickering like hungry flames over the rim of the wine glass.

He remained unperturbed, stopping his fork and knife. He looked right at that looming man before him and nodded. "Reasonably good choice, I believe. It is a good school, great education system and state-of-the-arts equipments to cater students's each and every needs."

"Kyoto is a little far from home." His father put down his wine glass. "Isn't it a little out of reach from your little basketball friends in Teiko?" Eyes never left his son as he gestured to a server for more wine.

"I believe that we will survive being out of each other's lives for a while. Besides, we will see each other again in tournaments for our first year in respective high schools. Kyoto is home to me, Father." Akashi dropped his gaze to his half-eaten steak. It would be disrespect to the chef if he doesn't finish it. However, his appetite was gone now. "Kyoto has always been home to me, even when Mother is gone."

"Seijuro, there's no need to mention your mother." Servers shifted on their feet nervously at the change of tone from the master of the house. "If you want to be in Kyoto, fine by me. If that's what you believe about Rakuzan, fine. However, I don't think I need to remind you to stay away from that child."

He knows. Akashi barely concealed his smile. "Father, rest assured that I will not seek that child out unless it is absolutely necessary. She is not someone you need to concern yourself with."

"I hope you know what you are doing, Seijuro. I usually ignore your small dalliances because you never disappoints me in producing results. I allow your small freedom to play and hangout with your little friends after school and practices. I will do the same even when you're in Kyoto. However, my son, successor of AGE, I advise you to think twice about the people you're surrounding yourself with especially, with the likes of that bastard child. I don't like failures. You know me, Seijuro."

"Yes, Father," Akashi dapped his lips with the napkin provided. "I will keep your expectations in mind." He reached for the glass of plain water and sipped, keeping his gaze down on the table.

An announcement brought his thoughts back into reality. Kyoto Station was just fifteen minutes away. He unlocked his phone and tapped a couple of words to a Tanaka-san and flipped the phone closed. A vibration told him that his text was received. Dusting himself for one last time, he waited in his seat patiently for the train to pull itself into a halt. He got off the bullet train and out of the station.

"Tanaka-san, long time no see," He smiled genuinely at the mid-fifties man who was suited up with white gloves on his hands.

Tanaka-san chuckled and opened the passenger's door for Akashi Seijuro, the young master of the Akashi Household. "Welcome home, Seijuro-sama."

"Yes, I am home."

[19deg-c]

幼馴染：Childhood Friend (1)

Mother died when I was eleven. To be honest, I didn't feel anything. I was numbed, but not with sadness. I was angry. For the first time in my life, I was angry. I remembered that day when my mother was lying in her best kimono with flowers all around her and relatives were sobbing into their little lace handkerchieves, it was raining. It was pouring. The hearse was parked outside at the foyer of the funeral parlour.

My head bowed as people came to me and pat me on my head and back. I displayed an obedient child, mourning for my dead mother. I was, I am. I was sad about her demise. Too fast, too young and most importantly, too kind was my mother dearest. That day, with my head down, I noticed a wrinkled old hand coming towards me. I must have shunned it for that hand faltered and dropped back to the owner's side.

I looked up, hoping to see my enemy.  However, I only saw her granny. She was just related to my enemy. To others, she was the lady-boss of the tofu shop around the corner of my old pre-school. Here she was with her husband, both sobbing quietly and looking at me with pity in their eyes. Where was that little fool of a granddaughter they had? She was my enemy. I hated her.

"Akashi-kun, Soah... she is not able to make it. We are sorry for your tragic loss, Akashi-kun." Both elderlies were shaking from regret and sadness.

Do you even know what she has done, I wanted to yell at them. You see, their grandchild, Nohara Soah was a murderer. My mother's death was mostly caused by her presence in my house. Every night my parents would have a great fight in the library below stairs and it always ended with my mother's tears and coughs.

One day, she coughed so hard that blood started to trickle down from the corners of her lips. Mother had a weak body condition ever since she had me.

That was why Father placed her in the Kyoto family estate so she was away from the dust and dirt of the metropolitan capital. I stayed with her because Father allowed me to. I had fun everyday, no matter in school or at home. I learnt some stuff in school while I learnt something extra at home with all my home tutors and instructors. My father would come home bi-weekly and go through my results. Never once, was he disappointed. I was proud. However, my father was not impressed. He said this is what an heir must do and therefore I did. To him, whatever achievements I gained was nothing special. Success and being on top of the game should come naturally to me.

I did my part and more. Mother was worried about my mental health. She introduced me to basketball and I loved it. She told me playing a sport and having fun was like a break from all those chores and responsibility I had behind those four walls. I was glad to be presented with such opportunity to take a breather. Further discussion and promises with my father, Mother managed to get me an hour break in between my music and arts class for me to play. That one hour playtime was precious. I was shooting baskets while my mother under her shade with her big straw hat and billowing white dress, encouraging me at every score.

A few months later, Mother introduced a playmate for me. I was surprised that she did that as Father never let anyone unknown into the household. Mother put a finger on her lips and whispered to me cheekily, "don't let your father know, Seijuro. She is my friend's daughter. Same age as you, and she would like to be your friend."

I nodded, oh how naive of me. I should have pushed her out the doors when I saw her if I knew then what a poison she was.  At eleven, she was small, bare feet with a tea-stained dress. I knew from the way her big green eyes trembled like a prey would in face of a predator that she was weak and often bullied. Her pale fingers bundled with band-aid  were squeezing the hem of her skirts as she hid behind my mother.

A little shy to admit, I was taken with that pair of eyes. Emeralds like my father's cuff links and green like Arashiyama's Bamboo Grove, the pair of jewels seemed so pretty and pure at first sight. I took her by her hand and pulled along her towards a small court behind the house. We played tag, basketball, and all sorts of little games under my mother's supervision. I was happy, no, happier when Soah was with me because I had a companion. I taught her everything I know. Whatever lesson I've learnt in different classes, I taught her under the sun and fragrance of summer flowers.

Mother said she didn't go for pre-school so elementary school was a little harsh on her now. Soah had always been helping out at her grandparents' tofu shop, wiping tables and cleaning chairs. I pitied her. Mother encourages me to continuously teach her and engaged with her. I loved it, so I didn't say no. I never thought of her behaviour as weird. She was very soft-spoken, timid and always looking at my Mother for some sort of confirmation whenever I gave her a choice even when she was the same age as I was. This secret companionship was supervised by Mother and continued for months and months until one evening.

That day, I overheard a fight from my parents. My father was home unscheduled, and he caught sight of our maid walking Soah back home, to her tofu shop. Immediately, my parents locked themselves up in their bedroom above my piano class. I could not concentrate that late afternoon. Father was too furious to listen. Mother was crying loudly. There were loads of yelling. Mother was trying to explain herself while Father was denying her explanations. Their fight content was no secret.

Nohara Soah was a bastard child of their old classmate who was in love with my mother since their high school years. Soah's father, Takumi became a fashion photographer and producer after graduating from university. He abandoned his parents to pursue a brighter future in New York, met up with a budding French model, slept with her a couple of times and gotten Soah in return. My father believed that he actually left Kyoto and his family because of the heartbreak that my Mother gave when she married the head of Akashi straight after their university's education. Father also believed that my mother married him because of familial ties and not out of love as she claimed in all those years. Large powerful families in Japan usually wanted to keep their blood pure and therefore they proposed arranged marriages. My parents were one of them.

Mother was completely devastated. She cried again and again, saying she truly fell in love with Father and everything was just a misunderstanding in their time. She repeatedly attempted to convince my father that they were a love match. Mother explained that she brought Soah to me because she saw a poor pitiful child who could hardly afford school working in a small shop with two elderlies. Yes, she knew it was that man's daughter. Yes, she knew of the consequences should she brought her here. However, all these had nothing got to do with the olden days. She just wanted to be nice to the green-eyed child.

Barely concentrating in my piano lesson, I started to doubt my kindness to that green-eyed child.  Maybe she shouldn't have appeared. She shouldn't have came here. If she was not here, things like this wouldn't have happened. Her appearance had cause havoc in the house. Father started to come home weekly, like a stringent spot check. Verbal fights between my parents got frequent. Mother's health deteriorated. She got weaker as months go by. Soon, she was on extensive bed rest. That was the moment I hardened my resolve and said to myself, that girl had to go.

Next day's afternoon, when the smiling girl skipped to a stop at my doorstep, I told the housekeeper to close the door and not let her in. I must have said it too loudly from the top of the stairs because that pair of eerie eyes stared at me in desolated. Even my housekeeper was stunned at my command. I saw the resolve of the housekeeper crumbling. I gritted my in silent fury and annoyance at the betraying housekeeper.

"Get out of my house, Nohara. I don't want to see you anymore. I want nothing to do with you, understand! Get out!" I yelled.

"But Sei!" She whined like a hurt puppy.

"Get out!"

I never see them leave. That afternoon, I sat by my mother's bed and read a simple English book to her. At the last page, she asked me where was that little girl. I smiled and told her Soah was feeling a little under weather and she might not be back for quite some time. My mother took in my lie and nodded before she slept on. I dropped the book back in the library before heading to my music class. That was the first lie I told in my life and I told myself there will be more to come.

Every afternoon that I spend my mother, she never fails to ask me about the whereabouts of that little monster. I lied again and again while praying for my mother's health to regain. Mother never got better. She just stopped breathing one day, with a bloodied handkerchief in her palm. The house-call doctors and nurses that my father hired were fired on the spot. I snitched the bloodied handkerchief before they could destroy it as a biomedical waste. I washed it and saw the kanji embroidered on it.

"Nohara Takumi..." I read.

I must have cried because a maid found me squatting in a corner of the bathtub with water running and a wet handkerchief still stained with blood. Everything around me during that time was a blur. However, the bloodied evidence that my mother still remembered Soah's father and that my father was right about Mother never really loved him was clear as day to me. That night as I put myself to bed, I told myself that I will hate that girl forever because if only she didn't appear, my mother wouldn't have notice her. If only she haven't been born, none of this would have happened.

"I will destroy you, Nohara Soah." I promised myself in the darkness of my room. I was only eleven year old then.

---

[disclaimer]: knb is strictly fujimaki-sensei's. [this chapter has been uploaded onto 19degrees’s wattpad under the title: Childhood Friend-] 

[19deg-c]

PRETTY THING

A man pulled his hat low and pressed his ears against the cold doors of the “Butcher’s Room”. Hearing the reassuring thuds of meat against metal table and muffled screaming of the human, he grinned as he tip-toed away to the mess hall where meals were held. By tomorrow night, they would reach Sabaody Archipelago according to their faithful navigator and he needed to get the last note of the plan down by tonight… or rather this morning.

It was four in the morning and he locked the swing door shut when he backed away into the kitchen. He heaved a sigh of relief and turned to his mates in cahoots. They gave him a thumbs up with the same victorious grin. He jogged up to their sides. He stopped at the island counter and dropped a similar drawstring pouch on the table top.

“So, are we ready?” He asked, excitedly.

“Yeah, damn straight we are! I mean, we have been saving for weeks since the first time we saw it on the newspaper!” Another man exclaimed.

“Shhh, too loud!”

“It is okay. Captain is in his playroom and the rest of them are either asleep or in the control room. It’s only us for now. We are safe.” The man announced. “Come on, let’s pour it all out and give it a count, Shachi!”

A pull of strings and overturning of the leather pouches, the gold came tumbling down in a pile on the island’s countertop. Soon, four pairs of hands were splitting into the sparkling pile and digging for more in their overall’s pockets, in their boots and in the seams of their headgear. When they were done, they posed a sight of defeat and disappointment. The same zombie-fied groan fell from their lips.

“How is it that us, four grown ass men fail to save for such a simple thing?” One of them smacked the table in emphasis. The towers of gold trembled. “We have been saving for two weeks, man! Two freaking weeks, four men and we are still 16, 000 beri short!”

“Maybe we could… you know, steal it?” One of them shrugged, nonchalantly. “I mean, we are pirates. We are notorious for pillaging and stealing. We take what we want! We can just snatch it out of the store.”

“Ha, right, Reyes, like we can do that.” Shachi snorted. “You have been onboard for nearly five months, right? Tell me do you remember what Captain always say when our feet touch the sand?”

“Don’t be a fool, pay attention and stay low.” They all quoted in a drone.

“Sabaody is a marine base as well and we are right under the nose of Mariejois. As much as the Marine HQ has moved to New World and influence weakened, it is still a marine base and it only take them a couple of minutes to be on our asses.”

“Hear hear, Penguin.”

“Okay, we are still 16, 000 short. By hook or crook, we need that amount. Someone better come up with a good idea on how to get that money cause we are reaching that damn place in another day. Bepo is never wrong with this.” Reyes pulled his blonde hair back. “Oxen?”

“Huh? Me? I suggest we borrow from Ikkaku.” Oxen shrugged. “She seems to have a lot of gold. I mean, I don't see her spend much on anything.”

“She is with Captain.” Reyes deadpanned with a stare. “She will definitely tell on us.”

“She is with Captain?” The incredulous look on Oxen’s face was epic. So epic that the rest of them choked at his intonation of his words. “What? This is serious business! If Captain and Ikkaku are sleeping together, I believe that we need to know because I don't want to see the spawn of Satan running around on Polar Tang!” He slammed his fist down, causing the golden towers to collapse.

The rest of the males hooted in laughter, gasping for air and slapping the countertop with their flailing palms at Oxen’s flabbergasted face.

“What? Oi! Be serious! Tell this old man right here, right now that what’s so funny!” Oxen demanded with his eyes wide with confusion.

“Yes, please tell me as well on why are you three laughing like you’re on nitrous oxide.”

The laughter was killed in a second. It was like the time froze for the four of them. Like clockwork, theirs heads turned to look at the new voice that sounded from the stretches of table before them. Lips mumbling prayers of their hometowns, they tried to save their skins as their eyes confirmed that their worst nightmare was in the same room with them.

There the nightmare was with his booted feet up on the head of the dining table, his body was slumped against the back of the seat that was balanced on two feet. Both hands were before him nursing a mug of drink, undoubtedly coffee as he rocked the makeshift rocking chair. He was smiling, eyes bright with humour but shined with something deadly behind his steel-grey pupils.

“Oh God, this is bad for my heart.” Oxen wheezed.

“C-captain, I — ”

The rocking stopped. They stopped breathing once again.

“I’ve to walk back to my room and get the main key for the kitchen before coming in to deposit my cold coffee. This is the first time in my whole life on this submarine that I’ve to do that. Probably this is also the first time someone locked me out of my own abode.” The smile did not falter. “Care to explain why?”

“C-captain, I —”

“Oh by the way, I heard your funny conversation about Ikkaku-ya and I. Let me clear something up, we are not sleeping together. I don’t sleep with my crew. It complicates things.”

“C-captain, I — ”

“With all that gold on the table, the four of you are planning for your retirement?”

“No, Captain. I —”

“Good morning, Heart Crew! This is Bepo, your navigator speaking. Captain, it is time for the early morning meeting in the control room. Both Clione and I are awaiting for your presence. The graveyard shift can be dismissed from their duties as the time is up. It is five in the morning now and we are two hours away from breakfast! See y’all in the mess hall later!” The intercom sounded.

“…”

“Captain, I —”

“As you've heard, I am a busy man. We are reaching the archipelago soon. I expect —”

“Just let me say it! Captain, please we are just trying to get an ice-cream machine! It was on sale in the little brochure that the daily newspaper came with! We saw it and we love it so now we are trying to get it! Was it so hard to say, Penguin and Shachi? See, I just told Captain everything! Now we are fucked and —”

A small thump of the mug landed on the wooden table. A creak of the chair sounded as it was being righted. Thuds of boots on the ground and a soft rustling of clothes told them that their captain had pulled himself into full height. However what surprised them was the sound of the swing door opening and closing behind the tall surgeon without words.

The foursome looked at each other, equally confused. Reyes approached the lonely white mug gingerly. The threesome backed away, treating the mug like an explosive. Reyes yelped in shock when he lifted the mug. A cry of happiness was heard from him like a child in Christmas’s morning. Sobbing in relief and elation, he brandished the surprise at his mates.

“16, 000 beri from Captain himself! Men, can you believe it? Captain gave us the green light for ice-cream!” He was jumping from the overwhelming emotion.

“OH CAPTAIN, WE LOVE YOU!”

[19deg-c]

< a story during lunch >

It has been a long time since I updated something here, or go through my writing blog (if this can be called as one). Today, I had a very nice lunch with my mother. Of course, being payday and all, I decided that I should treat her to lunch. 

Let me begin by saying that I was, no, am never a good daughter that I was supposed to be; being tomboyish, breaking things and rules were my forte. My mother and father, on the other hand, held high hopes for me because I am their only child and... they had me after being married for nearly 20 years. supposedly, when you have a child after 20 years of marriage, you will dote her and shower her with love and adoration because after all, she was what you’ve been pining for. 

Yes, I grew up with love... and pain. Simply said, it wasn’t what they wanted. I was just what they hoped for; a child. However what they wanted was a daughter with beauty and brains, and I was neither. 

Since young, I was being compared to a girl, S. She was a classic beauty - rosy cheeks, nice eyebrows and big eyes. She was clever and polite. She was want my parents wanted me to be. S was what I wanted to be as well, but not because I wanted to. It was because my parents wanted to me to. What I want was to please my parents. So, I tried to be her. What she did with ease, I tried my damndest to achieve. I was fat and a little stupid, but I fought on. 

Of course, I failed. I went into a Grade B class. My parents was not happy. Constantly, I was questioned. And I still remember one them: 

“Why are you not like S? She’s so smart and so pretty! why are you like this?” my mother said, in frustration and disdain. 

That was when I knew, ‘ah i’m not the one you wanted.’ Oh and if you’re like me, with Singaporean parents, you will know the pain. The pain of your parents mocking you, just like how mine did after this little episode. This “little competitive comparison” went on for years (S was with me throughout my primary and secondary school life, even until now.). Like all children do, I questioned them back. I fought back. It was a foolish mistake. 

One day, when I was nine, I wrote a little note and left it on my mother’s table. I wrote that I’m leaving home. I packed a bag of tidbits and some clothes and hid in the closet, you know, preparing to sneak out and well, leave. But, I left the letter out a little early so she read it while I was still at home. She came over, pulled the closet door open and threw the letter in my face. 

She said, “Leave? How old are you? How are you going to survive out there? What the hell are you thinking? Whose daughter are you? Who gave you clothes and food? Who the hell you think you are? Who taught you to do this?” 

Hm, she was right. I will die out there, alone in the dark. I was only nine. I was coward, afraid of shadows behind the trees. They beat me up that night after mother told father about what I did. They took turns beating me up. It was not my first time and I know, it was not going to be my last. 

So I grew up being a human sandbag. Failed a test = gets beat up. Someone else did better in school = gets beat up. Did something wrong or did something in a way that they dislike = gets beat up. The list continued. There was no end. Thoughts appeared in my head as I cried myself to sleep every other day. ‘Ah, maybe i should call the police!’ or ‘Ah, i should tell my grandma!’ then I remembered one thing. 

They are not going to believe me as I am liar. 

To survive in my house, I lie. I lied once, twice, thrice and so on so forth. I never stop lying. “Have you done your homework?” “Yes..” No. “Did you have lunch?” “Yes.” No. “Do you want dinner?” “No.” Hell yes. I did all these because I dont know what makes them tick. So I replied with politically correct answer, or the answer they want to hear. I even lied to my teachers and friends. 

“Where did this bruise came about? Did your parents beat you up?” my teacher asked, holding my hands. My reply was, “I don’t know and no, they didn’t beat me up.” However, my teacher called up my mother and questioned her. In the end, that night, I still got my ass whopped. 

All in all, they are my parents and we all know this: we can’t choose who our parents are. I live, I move on but I never forget. 

So during lunch, my mother brought up a topic. She once again reminded me that my cousin is getting married in coming february 2017 when I am going to be in Seoul. I told her that I’m not going because there is a rift between us. I dislike her and her family. Again, if you know singaporean parents, when someone in the family is getting married, everyone will have to go, whether you like it or not. 

I was very adamant in not going. I even told her this: “if you want me to go, club me dead and drag me there.” Mother again, was not happy. Because she doesn’t know what rift I had with them. Being 24 and all, I decided that this is the time I should tell my parents why I hate them so much. 

This is the story during lunch. 

When I was 11, my family moved into my cousin’s house. It was not a big house but they had a room to spare so we made do. My house was under renovations at that time because my grandfather said my house was old. We moved in and we lived happily in there for a month. 

“Happily” was a lie. It was hell. Literally hell on earth for me. It was my nightmare. It was... indescribable. I did not tell my parents until today, 17/12/2016 and I’m going to tell you all what happened in that one month. 

My uncle, cousin’s father, I like to believe that he is crazy because I cannot fathom why will he beat me. I was 11, playful and loud. I’m living with my cousins whom I thought was nice. They are IR, PT and SR, respectively. I liked playing with SR because she was the youngest and she was nice. You know, playing = noise. My uncle came charging in with a cane and whipped my legs with it when we were getting too loud for his ears. 

I asked him, tears and all. “Why am i the only one getting beat up? SR played too! She laughed too!” And do you know what his reply was? “All i hear was you! only you! She is my daughter, she was not like you!” Then he continued to cane me. 

That night, when my parents returned, I told them that I got caned by my uncle and do you know what they did? 

They beat me. Oh, the cane came out again and their slaps. All these drama happened right before my three cousins’ eyes and all they did was to look at me quietly. I was wailing and drooling. My snot kept running. All they did was to stare. 

And the only thought i had was during all that was: 

‘Why didn’t you say that you played too?’ 

That was one. 

Another was me being a slow eater. Well, I was distracted by the television when dinner was served. That night, my mother was working the night shift and father was at my renovating house putting up wires and stuff. I was watching telly and eating my dinner. There were a lot of food on the plate. 

Apparently, everyone ate finished and I was the only one left. My eldest cousin, IR, told me that if I continue to eat this slowly, I should bring it to the toilet to eat. I just looked at her and ignored her words. How the hell am I supposed to know that she really took my plate and put it in the toilet the next minute? 

I don’t and that was what she did. I ate my dinner in the bathroom, with salty tears and sticky snot. It was not nice but I finished it because she said if I don’t, I can never leave the bathroom. I finished everything, brought my plate out and showed her before I washed my dishes. 

I cleaned up my snot and tears that night and went to sleep before my parents came home. I didn’t tell them anything, fearing the pain that might come. 

These episodes repeated themselves constantly throughout the whole month that I lived with them. I was caned by my uncle constantly whenever my cousin did something wrong, whenever I played , whenever I or someone in the house basically did something that pissed him off. Then after that, when i told my parents later in the day, they didn’t defend me but to stood with them and beat me up again. 

Again and again, I was told that it was my fault. Whatever that happened was my fault. It is me, it is me, it is me. The faults were mine, whether it was true or not. In that one month, I learnt a lesson that shaped me the way I am today. 

“Everything is your fault, whether you like it or not. Your parents don’t believe you and will never stand by you because you always lie. You lie because you did it to survive. And you need to survive until it is your time to die. Just remember that everything is your fault and accept it. Don’t fight back ‘cause all you get is extra pain. Nothing good comes out of it when you fight back. Stay quiet, accept it and move on. It’s your fault.” Even until now, I still repeat it to myself whenever something happened to me. 

The usual dose of “I’m stupid, I am brainless and it is my fault” always helps me to get through the day. 

Now do you see why I hate her and that whole family? It was abuse again and again. It was abuse on top of one another. It was painful and it was hell. But I am the girl who cried wolf so no one will believe me. Do you know that during that month, I went/pretended to sleep as early as 6pm in the evening, skipping dinner and all. Because if I’m asleep, I dont get beat up. if I’m asleep, my parents will just let it go. 

Until one day, my plan failed. I was caned yet again by my uncle that afternoon, and he complained to my parents when they came back during the evening. I was dragged out by my father into their living room by the ear and was slapped. i was forced to kneel in front the altar and repeatedly say “i’m sorry” while my father hit me with his hands and cane. 

It was for a thing I did not do. They said I stole money from my uncle. I dont remember how much it was but it was a petty sum. I dont remember how it went after that. My memory just stopped there. It was not the first time my memory blacked out and it all happened during that month of hell. 

I hate them, I just hate all of them so much. 

And i told my mother all these during lunch today. She looked at me and she didn’t reply for a while. Then she asked me softly, “Why didn’t you tell us?” I laughed and said, “but I did and all I get was more pain. So why would I want to tell you? You both never stood up for me before.” 

My mother remained silent after that for a long while before I changed the subject to something else. 

But before that, I told her with a straight face, 

“If I see your brother (my uncle) outside crossing the road and I’m in a car, I will fuck the law and run him over twice just to make sure he is dead because if he is not, I will get out of the car just to strangle him until he dies. I don’t care if it doesn’t look like an accident. I don’t mind going to jail or getting capital punishment, just as long as he is dead like me.” 

My mother just nodded and looked away. 

[19deg-c]

鬼信

『鬼信：一封來歷不明的信件。通常會出現在意想不到的角落。存心去找的傻子找不到，因為那封信不是寫給他的。無心的傢伙不必刻意去找信，那封信自然而然就回到他的面前。來歷不明的信會是誰寫的呢？有可能是隔壁班的女生，有可能是惡作劇的小孩，有可能是便利店那無聊的男人，搞不好是那煩人的級任老師還是⋯⋯ 15年前那位在一號音樂室喪命的女學生。』

夏天是可恨的季節因為它象徵著讓人頭皮發麻的熱感，擁擠的公共泳池和排隊到江南的刨冰店。這就是日本的八月。汗流浹背的學生們最嚮往的就是到電腦室還是到讀書館吹吹冷氣度過那漫長的幾節課。在課室裡的綠間真太郎也不例外。他就有那麼一點點的慶幸自己的座位靠近窗口，要不然像高尾那樣坐在課室的正中央，他搞不好真的會瘋掉。

綠間一邊看著黑板，一邊看著講台上的時鐘。啊，再多一個小時就放學了。今年籃球社的地獄訓練又是在東京海邊。今年末年的他很開心還能和學弟們好好地打幾場籃球賽。今年的IH會是他最後一場校際比賽。綠間真太郎打算不打冬季杯因為想好要考進的大學醫科好像有點不容易，所以他才有這個念頭。當然只是一個念頭而已，隨時會跟著朋友的影響而更換，綠間自己也明白大概是打完IH的話，如果奇蹟的世代們還有學弟們要他留下來的話，他還是會留下來的。（好隊長的本份就是要領隊拿到勝利。）

『鬼信：一封來歷不明的信件，寫著只想讓一個人看的東西。有時候，它出現時不是以一封信的長相，而是一堆字寫在黑板上還是在玻璃窗寫上迷言，等到有人吹一口熱氣才會被發現。那些收到看到這些莫名其妙的信時通常都會被當成惡作劇一樣被打發掉。因為現代人類不相信，不迷信，不願意打開心放來接受這些奇怪的信件。如果說是你撿到了一封怪怪的信，還是經過某間教室時看到有奇怪的字在黑板上，還是在讀書館的角落發現窗戶上有迷言，你會怎麼做？』

綠間站在自己的課室外瞪著那一臉歉意的高尾。高尾因為和另一群男同學一時衝動又覺得好玩在校園的菜園玩水害得校工大發雷丁報告老師。現在的高尾被級任老師壓在課室裡寫檢討書。綠間早已習慣搭檔幼稚的壞習慣，他只是一臉的厭惡然後他轉頭就走了。綠間並沒有放棄等高尾便自己回家。綠間看著那藍藍的夏日天空然後便大步地到四樓的第三音樂室。秀德高中裡有四間音樂室但是很少人會用最後兩間因為不知道為什麼一年四季那兩間音樂室都冷颼颼的。但是就是因為它冷，綠間才會在夏天裡想到它。

第三音樂室裡沒什麼裝潢。只有三個小提琴和兩架白色和黑色的三角琴。就這樣整間音樂室看起來滿滿的，有可能就是因為這樣才沒有人想用吧。綠間放下書包便走到白色三角琴的前面。雖然說沒人來但是樂器還是保存在良好狀態。綠間動作輕輕地打開了琴蓋，拿了支撐桿頂著。看了看裡面的琴縼變點了點頭，可用，良好。他坐在鋼琴的前方，打開了鍵盤蓋，把保護著那貴氣的黑白鍵盤的紅色布料摺好便開始試著彈出簡單的曲子。

「嗯，還可以用。」微笑著，他摸了摸那冷冷的黑白鍵盤。「好可惜，怎麼沒人來用呢？」

綠間漸漸的開始彈著鋼琴來消磨時間，等高尾來找他一起回家。從貝多芬的《C小调钢琴奏鸣曲》到巴赫的《E小调托卡塔》，他都帥氣地用修長的手指彈了來。音樂容易讓人陶醉，忘我。當綠間完全投入了自己的演奏時，時間就慢慢地流失。就在他彈蕭邦的《升C小調第三十二號馬厝卡舞曲》時，高尾就出現在音樂室的門外。高尾並沒有吵到綠間彈琴，他就安靜地靠著門看著陶醉的綠間彈著鋼琴的樣子。等到綠間下最後一個鍵，他才拍手鼓掌連聲叫好。

綠間臉頰暗紅道，「白痴。」

「再彈一曲嘛！」高尾笑道，旁晚的陽光照到了一張壞壞帥帥的臉蛋。

「我要回家啦。我還要教我妹練琴。」綠間彎下腰打算撿起自己的書包時，有一封白色的信掉了出來。

看到這一幕的高尾，手指指著綠間喊道，「啊！好賤喔！趁我在那麼辛苦地寫著悔過書時，你卻到這裡彈琴說愛？你是怎樣做朋友的！快開啊，快點開來讀讀！我好好奇喔！」

眼看高尾就要踏進音樂室時，綠間馬上把信塞進包裡。「回家啦，回家啦。不要鬧了。」

「嘖，小氣！」

就那樣，雙人離開了音樂室，離開了學校。

『鬼信：有時候，本人會出現。自己把信的內容說了。』

那是兩個禮拜前的事了。在這一個禮拜的炎熱下午，綠間一沒有籃球社的活動便會到秀德高中的第三音樂教室來。高尾開始感到疑惑，為什麼那顆蘿蔔會一直去那間音樂教室呢？她有試著問綠間，但是綠間每次就一聲冷冷的「沒你的事。」就扯開了話題。高尾感到不適滋味，邊到處打聽。當綠間在彈鋼琴時，還是綠間不在教室時，他就會到處問問看有沒有人懂為什麼綠間會迷上那教室。兩個禮拜⋯⋯高尾問了喉嚨快要破了才知道一件讓人毛孔悚然的故事。

高尾不敢對綠間說。

綠間也沒有問為什麼高緯在某天停止了那些煩人的追問。

「那間教室啊，嗯，有點骯髒。也就是，呃，鬧鬼啦。6年前，一位叫做『益若愛理』的女學生在那間教室裡暴斃了。愛理同學為了要考上義大利的名音樂系大學便天天在那裡練琴。她長得漂亮，嬌小玲瓏的，但是就不知為什麼不怎麼討人喜歡。孤僻的她不吃不喝地，只要有時間她就會在那裡練琴，連休息時間也是在那裡度過。但是說的也奇怪，愛理她當時整天練琴還有本事年年奪下全年級第一的名譽。所以她在高三年時，益若愛理突然在那黑色的三角琴上暴斃了。醫生們當時說啊，益若愛理是因為過度操勞才會這樣的。我看那孩子也蠻可憐的。單身家庭嘛⋯⋯只有媽媽啊，沒有爸爸。媽媽又是有名的小提琴家喔。因該是家裡要求高吧⋯⋯」

高尾咬著自己的下唇，聽著物理老師在懷念當時的『益若愛理』。

「所以呢，第三音樂教室有時候我們會聽到鋼琴聲呐。但是不難聽也就沒有叫她不要彈了。」物理老師清清地說。「可憐的孩子啊，真的很可憐。」

＊＊＊

「妳寫了一封信給我就是要我陪你練琴？」 「是啊，好久沒人來了。我好寂寞。」 「妳的名字很眼熟。『益若愛理』是我校的狀元。但是那是很久以前的事了。」 「是啊，很久了。四季也過5，6次了吧。學校也真的沒變啊。」 「益若愛理，我不知道你要什麼。」 「綠間同學，我一直都沒能把《布拉姆斯︰G 小調狂想曲》彈好。媽媽對我好失望。每個人都認為我天天練琴為了靠近那間大學但是不是的喔，我是想彈給媽媽聽。」 「怎麼說？」 「在我15歲時，我媽得了末期���症。當時已經沒救了。醫生說吃藥，化療，就能耐多幾年。媽媽她就照著做。媽媽是有名的小提琴家，她的工作壓力大。對末期腦癌的病人來說壓力是惡魔。但是媽媽沒有屈服。一直到她在維也納的音樂國際台上倒下，昏迷了一個禮拜。」 「『益若涼子』是嗎？」 「啊，有調查喔。綠間同學做足了功課嘛。」 「人人稱她為音樂界的巫女，小提琴大師，琴之魔女。」 「對喔，那魔女到最後，昏迷醒來後，她的第一句話是『浩史，彈彈《布拉姆斯︰G 小調狂想曲》給我肚子裡的孩子聽好嗎？愛理一定會很喜歡這曲子的。』那漂亮豔麗的巫女已經崩潰了。」 「末期腦癌會影響到記憶力，產生幻想。」 「她回到了過去，和爸爸的過去。」 「那是她的最後遺願？」 「是的－」 打斷她的話，說道「也是妳的遺願。」 「呵呵，你蠻懂得嘛。」

「那好，我陪妳練就是了。」 「謝謝你喔，綠間真太郎。」

[19deg-c]

當你

我愛上那整天都在忙的你。因為你從每次都會不知覺的皺著眉頭，認真地看著文件。有時你還會默默地跟自己說話因為你完全投入在工作裡。那樣的你讓我感到你又是可愛又是帥。你就每次坐在那幾百萬的義大利木的辦公桌後，散發著男人氣概。當你在讀著下一個會議的資料時，還是你在忙著簽那些有的沒的文件時，你那紅色的髮絲每次都蓋著漂亮豔紅的眼睛。我好喜歡，真的好喜歡這樣的你。

我很慶幸我愛的是你。 我很高興我嫁的是你。 我很開心我生命裡有你。

但是這樣的你⋯⋯ 我還能看多久？

我愛上那個睡顏像小孩的你。你啊，很少像我們的兒子一樣，會和我撒嬌。你永遠都是一位嚴肅的父親，盡責的相公。我老公你知不知道你夫人我有多少張你睡覺的照片存在我的電話裡？你那眉毛彎彎，睫毛長長，鼻子挺挺和嘴唇柔軟都是我的命害啊。你睡覺的時候真的很像無辜的孩子，無憂又無慮。有時候你不知不覺用臉蛋蹭枕頭。我最喜歡的就是太陽公公慢慢地從你床邊的窗口升起，然後過了一下下你就會因為被窩太暖和地甦醒⋯⋯ 而躺在你身旁的我看著你慢慢地張開那睡意滿滿的眼睛，聽你那慵懶的「早安啊，赤司夫人。」，然後被你拉近我們在床上的距離。

我很慶幸我可以和你同床共枕。 我很高興我為你生了一個孩子。 我很開心我能被你疼愛。

但是這樣的日子還有多久？

我愛你那生氣的表情。我覺得比起你笑，我更喜歡你兇。因為，你臉上雖然寫著你的憤怒，但也寫上了你的愛，你對對方的信任跟你對對方的關心。你會生氣也是因為你很重視那個人。你對你不重視的人和看不順眼的人都像是冰山帝王似的。眼神有多寒就有多寒，語氣有多冷就有多冷。你只會對你捧在手心上的人生氣，大喊大叫，嚴肅對待。我很喜歡這一點，所以幼稚的我會沒事就對你發一發小姐脾氣，讓你頭疼。因為我知道你在乎我，你疼我才會罵我。在你輕輕的責備後，你都會走向我，抱我，說聲「夫人，對不起。對你發脾氣了。但是，下次不能這樣喔，好不好？答應我，我的夫人。」

我很慶幸我有這個能力讓你生氣。 我很高興我曾經被你罵過。 我很開心我能被你摸摸頭，安慰過。

但是⋯⋯我還有多少時間能這樣子耍孩子脾氣，讓你生氣？

我愛你，愛入骨。 我愛你，愛如海。 我愛你，愛無盡。 我愛你，愛太深。

⋯�� 很抱歉喔，我最愛的丈夫。

我愛你，但愛不久。

好好地幫我愛著我們的孩子吧。

孩子啊，要聽爸爸的話喔。 媽媽我是真的⋯⋯ 好愛好愛你啊⋯⋯

「我愛你，赤司征十郎。19歲的夏天我感謝上天讓我傻傻遇見你。」

「來生還有機會的話，我還是想做你心愛的太太。」

[19deg-c]

單戀

今天我要嫁人了。

看著自己的機械的表情然後在嘲笑自己的新娘子你有看過嗎？因該沒有吧，因為每個人都認為結婚是一件可喜可賀的事。結婚是一件喜事。結婚是每個女生最想要的結尾。對，我也想要結婚生孩子，最好是生一男一女的，讓哥哥來保護妹妹。我也想要結婚，也想要嫁給我愛的人。我看到街上的女生牽著愛人的手，和愛自己的人走在路上時，我的心好痛。你知道為什麼嗎？因為我今天嫁的人，那個男人他並不愛我。他心裏有別人。但是我和他混的社會是冷漠又殘酷的。我們生出來就是為了發展自家的事業。就像是買賣一樣，我把女兒嫁你兒子，從今天開始我們兩家的生意聯盟以後就是日本最強了。對我們的父母來講，有可能，我們作為孩子的一生就是為了自家爭取地位，榮譽，勢力。

所以，今天是我人生中最大的日子。今天我要結婚了。今天我被“賣”到赤司家，做他們的少夫人。

－－－

冬.

啊，好冷啊。高中的最後一天了，洛山私立高中的第三年學生們都在放快腳步收拾自己的書包和課室。我們第三年的學生終於考完了上大學的考試和年尾的模考。讀了三年的書終於結束了。我們都想趕緊回家，離開這個叫做“學校”的監獄。住在洛山宿舍的我也和其他的同學們一樣忙著收拾自己的東西，確定自己的事務全都搞定然後再跑到宿舍裡收一收行李。那一天是我第一次碰到他時候。十八歲的我很懶惰。我打算跑捷徑，想要用最快的方法回到宿舍裡避一避這冷風，快點回到房間裡收拾一下因為司機就要來了。沒想到就在跑下樓梯的時候，我好像踩到一個皮包，害得我跌個四腳朝天。差一點閃到腰的我，忍著痛，撿起自己弄掉的書和那個害死人的皮包，我左看右望卻沒有看到有人。所以我就打開皮包，看了看裡面得學生證。

「赤司征十郎⋯ 好眼熟喔，這名字和那張臉⋯ 誰啊⋯」我邊走邊看著那個學生證。突然，在我身後，有人拍了拍我的肩膀。回頭一看，啊，是位漂亮的女學生。白玉般的手指指著我手上的皮包，她輕聲地對我說：「同學，那好像是我⋯朋友的皮包耶。你可以交給我嗎？我會還給他的。」美麗的臉蛋，清脆的聲音，甜美的微笑，她就是我們洛山鼎鼎有名的校花也是年年第二名的藤原真昼。「喔。」就這樣我就交過那個皮包給了她，然後眼睜睜看她跑下樓梯。我並沒有再想太多因為我滿腦子就想著要回房裡。老天愛捉弄人，萬萬沒料到，我會在宿舍的門口再一次看到藤原真昼。她就站在大門的真中央，雙手被一位紅髮的男生牽著，吻著。從我站著的地方，我看得到校花的眼淚和那男生的嚴肅的表情。感到他們的悲傷而覺得尷尬的我連忙躲到一顆枯萎的大樹後面，背貼著樹幹，我抬頭望著灰灰的冬天盼著他們有話快說，有屁快放，因為我在趕時間。

「很抱歉。」

「⋯⋯ 你一定要這樣嗎？你一定要聽你爸的話嗎？」

「真昼，我愛妳。我很愛妳。很有可能我這一輩子都沒辦法忘了妳，但是我還是要妳知道我愛妳。」

「不想聽這些，征十郎。拜託你，不要丟下我一個人好不好？為什麼你就不可以和你爸爸解釋呢？」

「真昼，你要知道，我盡力了，我跟父親為了妳吵到家裡雞犬不寧了，但是我父親還是不肯讓步。」

「你沒有盡力。你沒有讓你爸看到我們的愛⋯⋯ 小征，拜託再試試看吧！為了我，為了我們！我不想這樣就結束！」

「⋯⋯ 我已耗盡我的能力，真昼。我真的沒有路好走了。我愛妳，所以我先提分手因為我不想我父親上妳家門威脅妳家人。妳明白嗎？真昼，妳要知道我父親不好惹，不好搞。我愛妳，所以我想保護妳到最後。」

「⋯⋯」

過了好久，「好吧，小征。如你希望吧，我們就各走各的。」深呼吸，吸一吸鼻涕，忍著淚。「我們就分手吧。」

「⋯⋯ 愛妳。好愛妳。」

「嗯。」

啊，原來是分手喔。我傻傻地站在樹後面，聽他們的甜言蜜語，聽他們的輕輕的哭聲。 當時在我心裡，我了解那男人的心思。我明白他純粹的愛。他勇敢地愛上一位不能愛的女人。我為了他心酸，因為父親的反對，他必須離開她。當時的我不知道，那個男人，赤司征十郎，會是我未來愛上的人。

－－－

我怎麼會覺得在我無名指上的蒂芬妮三卡拉戒指比我臉上的笑容還要燦爛？今晚的酒席和普通的社交宴會沒兩樣。每個人臉上的微笑帶著虛假和敷衍。我的摯友們沒幾個到，反而是男方的好友全到。我和他的朋友們談不來，因為在他們的眼裡我是第三者而且我也認同他們的看法。唯一配得上赤司征十郎的女人也只有她，沒有別人。我家境再好，我再漂亮都好，我都是小三。所以有可能因為是這樣，他們每次看到我就會擺開頭，不會跟我對上眼。突然我感到一陣寒風吹過，我的禮服也沒有幫我擋下那陣風的意思，我露出的肩抖了一下。瞬間，我的肩膀便搭上一件白色西裝的外套。

「很冷嗎？要關掉冷氣嗎？」我丈夫輕聲地在我耳邊問到。

我搖頭， 我沒事也不用關掉冷氣。他也沒再說什麼，留著他的西裝外套在的肩上。脫下外套的他有點瀟灑，很帥。身穿著法國訂做的全白色西裝，他就像每個小女孩所戀上的白馬王子。紅色的頭髮在酒店的燈下如聖火一般燒著，加上白色的妝扮，我的丈夫是這全場最有霸氣的男人。他的微笑，他的言行舉止都深深的影響我。我沒辦法不盯著他看。我沒辦法想像從今天開始他就是我的丈夫，我的主人，我人生中最重要的人。不管生死，無論病老，他會是陪伴在我身邊的那個人。因為發了誓，簽下了合約，我們的未來就這樣牽在一起。

「我臉上沾到東西嗎？為什麽這樣盯著我看？」 紅寶石般的雙眼閃著好奇跟淡淡的關心。

我求你不要對我太好。因為我會有貪念。「沒什麼。」

「累了嗎？要回去休息嗎？」他把披在我肩上的外套拉緊一點。

「沒事，我還好。」

「嗯，那就好。」

那個他媽的蒂芬妮戒指真的是太閃了，閃到我差一點飆淚。

－－－

春.

京都大學有多過我手指和腳趾能數出來的科目。它是京都最有名的大學，不是阿貓阿狗都能考上的大學。我也不知道自己是怎麼混進去的。有可能當時18歲的我還有一點頭腦，有一點點的聰明才有辦法考進這間神聖的大學。今年是我進校的第二年，20歲的我快要被大學的壓力給擊垮了。凌亂的頭髮，黑眼圈的我連小孩子都會連退三步再叫救命。我不知道第一年我是如何混過去。第二年的第四個星期而已我的功課就堆積如山。我連趕三天兩夜都寫不完的功課被我拖到今天來做因為⋯ 嘿嘿，明天要交。 所以我就來到離大學蠻靠近的咖啡廳來做作業。我把筆記電腦和書包放下便上前叫一杯咖啡拿鐵。天不主我眼，我在吧台等我的飲料的時候，我聽到尖叫聲然後再來就是小孩子的哭聲。

難道我的背影也能嚇到小孩？我便回頭一看，我差一點就罵髒話。「我的電腦⋯」別說電腦了，我自己做的筆記也完了。我和罪犯對上眼。應該我看起來很狼狽，因為他一臉歉意和同情地快步走過來。紅色的頭髮和紅色的眼睛就這樣來到我的面前。

「抱歉，剛才是因為一位小孩和我沒看路然後我們就撞上，我的美式咖啡就灑在你的作業上。如果妳不建議的話，我可以賠妳一台新的電腦和讓你抄我的筆記。」紅髮男說道。我沒聽到。「⋯⋯ 請問，小姐，你有在聽嗎？」他看著我傻傻的，沒反應，便搖了搖我一下。我驚醒過來，看著他的眼睛突然覺得喘不過氣。「呃，妳不要太擔心。我和妳是同一系的。生意管理，對不對？我瞄了妳的筆記一眼。我們雖然沒有同班過，但是照常來講我們學的東西會是一樣的所以我可以讓你抄我的筆記。電腦也會買新的給你。你不要緊張⋯」 他再重複一次。

我就傻傻地喔了一聲。

那天，他連我的咖啡拿鐵也幫我付了。他告訴他的名字是赤司征十郎，也是生意管理系的但是他是這一系的特優生所以學的科目是普通學生的多一倍。我們就坐在靠窗的桌位一整個早上和下午終於在他細心的講解下我做完的作業也抄完筆記。當然，我們的午餐也是在那個咖啡廳搞定，然後我也順利地吃了霸王餐。當晚他帶我去到附近的電器店買了一台新的Asus電腦。我們站在店外吵了一下，因為我吃了他不少錢所以感到內疚的我便想還他買電腦的錢。赤司卻一直不要我還，我就開始有點惱羞成怒。

「我家又不是沒有錢！本大小姐我是安藤嫊兒！我媽是一名韓國模特兒也是一位企業家，我爸是日本的房地產大富翁喔！」

「那又怎樣？是我弄壞你電腦，妳再有錢都好，我還是要還妳一台新的啊。」他冷靜，理所當然地回答。

「你－！」

「我怎麼了？」眉毛一揚，高傲地看著矮小的我。

那晚，我們一起走回大學。他便送我到宿舍的門口然後跟我說聲再見就掉頭走了。我站在宿舍的玻璃門後，看著他離去的背影。那一瞬間，我的頭腦記起了他是我18歲在洛山宿舍外看到而令我心酸的男生。但是我認出他以後，我並沒有感到那以前的心酸也沒有想起為什麼當時我會為他而心酸的原因。這次後我發現自己一直在校舍尋找他的身影，好想好想在碰到他一次。哪裏知道雖然話說是同系的但是想要看到他比沒有那麼容易，因為那一年就那麼過去了，我再也沒有看到他。

那一年，我暗戀，單戀了。