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Mood check:

Overall very numb. 

I haven’t slept, been up for more than 24 hrs so I think that is the culprit.

Why did I not sleep? Well after those talks and hours of crying I could not be left alone with my thought to try and sleep. I was afraid bc in that state my really bad intrusive thoughts come out and while I know I need to face them... yesterday I could not because of all that whole talk and I can only take one baby step at a time.

Good: Played video games, talked to Papillon, made something I’m proud, and *** ***

Bad: Did not make progress on commission, did not sleep, could have eaten better, and slight headache/random pains. 

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Journal Entry 1 - 8/12/2021 - 6:28 PM

Picking up where a I left off the last post... 

After that dreadful bout of helplessness and sadness Papillon and I talked for what must have been at least 2 hours about my situation and he really helped me understand myself better. 

I think it is because he has been studying some mental issues recently so he was able to really give me constructive feedback and it was greatly needed. Before his feedback would just frustrate me more and we would not get anywhere but this time it just clicked for me...

Part of the lesson I learned was that I am extremely and unreasonably hard on myself but I do no see it. This is normal to me and my mind justifies it daily however it worsens my mental health without me even realizing it is toxic.

We found out the root of this problem is my mother, sister, and father. These toxic inner thoughts are essentially what I think my mom, sister, or dad would say to me if they were watching me with a webcam 24/7.

Examples:

My room is dirty so I think in my head I am disgusting, a pig, and lazy. This is not true. This is something their voices in my mind tell me. Even if I do believe it, Papillon taught me to not believe it and start an argument with these voices (the voices being what I think my family would say to me in that moment of reflecting on my messy room)/

I thought because I was not working on my commission I was lazy, a bad, artist, and did not care. However Papillon pointed out the whole time I was not working on it, it was weighing on my mind and I was worrying about it - that alone shows I care and a lazy person would not care (or so Papillon said).

These are the strongest examples I can think of but this whole concept was foreign to me and as soon as he said it, it just clicked and I just sobbed uncontrollable with laughs riddled in there. I guess the reason I never realized was because these voices are deeply ingrained, just like the male gaze in society. 

I know this is true because my mom has called me disgusting before, when I feel insecure about my looks or the way I dress I hear my sister and honestly I could even connect a high school bully. 

The reason why these voices influence me so much and why I thought them to be my own is because they have power over me in some way, I respect them, and value their approval more than my own.  Why value their approval over my own? Because I want to make them “happy” and protect myself, I don’t want them to get angry and take it out on me like they do. I want to keep myself safe. It’s what I found worked. I behaved and acted and even put myself as them in my mind in order to not get in trouble and make them mad. I did this subconsciously as a child to adulthood without noticing. If Papillon had not helped me realize. I would not even realize. 

Although I’m unsure exactly how to go forward, at least we have identified what I believe to be the root and can think about how to move forward and heal from here.

I’ve found it incredibly hard to not listen to these voices. In my head they are right and make sense. I need to start arguing with them more even if I believe them to be true.

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Mini Entry

Never ended up sleeping.... I have been awake this whole time... idk how but I made a cool tik tok I’m proud of and played arams. No progress on the commission tho :/

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Mini Entry

Next Journal Entry

Due to events I ended up staying awake until now (8:01 AM) and I have little energy. I’ll continue off from my last journal entry (hopefully tmrw) when I have the energy.

Goodnight. My eyes burn from crying so much. I hope I don’t wake up with a headache. I hope V is gone when I wake up. 

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[11-twenty-seven]

[ I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO. ]

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Journal Entry 0 - 8/12/2021 - 7:04 AM

Yesterday was going to be my first happy day of August - until I got home with Papillon from getting Boba. My sister came home so I showed her my progress on a commission from a friend that she directed to me. Bad decision. 

Context for this commission: 

I had been struggling for 2 weeks on it.

I was making little to no progress past the sketches and got stuck on the bottom half of the chibi I was drawing.

This block was causing me an extreme amount of anxiety, at the time I was also getting stressed from playing TBC everyday with S who would have outbursts of some negative emotion. This also caused me to  not want to respond to anyone and just be alone. I often sat in bed, cried and read manga. Eventually Papillon helped me respond to messages and get me back on the radar. One of the messages I missed was from the client and long story short he had a deadline for me and wanted progress. This stressed me but I pulled myself together so I could get it done quickly. 

Enter August 11th. I woke at noon, played some arams, talked with Papillon, and made tremendous progress on the commission. I was proud and Papillon encouraged me, I would be able to finish this within 2 days now (hopefully). Papillon rewarded me with boba and a short hangout sesh watching tv. This made me very happy even though I feel as though I did not deserve it and could lay off the sugar. 

Enter my sister while we were watching tv. Her arrival was sudden, she had to pick up her medical package. She brought her puppy as well (his behavior is abhorred). Since she was her and I was in a good mood, I decided to show her my progress on the commission from her friend assuming she would like it because I usually get a very good response from my art. First thing she says is that “it looked way better than the sketches” and that “the legs need more work.” This completely caught me off guard and I had no idea to react. My response was well they were sketches that’s how they are and if she can do better she should draw it. She then follows up with showing me some professional artist’s instagram realism work asking me if I could do that and showed me photos she took of him. I told her that’s not what he wanted and it’s pretty much done... 

The convo ends but I was still in shock. I had worked so hard to get over this inhibiting block, make progress, and come to a place of peace with it and she just shatters it. 

My sister tells me that with no empathy, remorse, or even understand what she just said to me.

She shatters 3 weeks of work and hours of stress and anxiety.

My mind went to “she doesnt know anything” to -

“how could she say that”

“well it must be true”

“I don’t want to work on it anymore bc all I can see are the mistakes.” 

I kept spiraling but reached a hand out for help from Papillon. I was miserable and tried to use my normal coping mechanism (running away from the problem, pretending it never happened). But SURPRISE it did not work :( 

To be continued in another post, 

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Blog Update:

This tumblr is now my journal.

I am using this to vent my feelings and experiences in hopes to understand my thoughts and improve my mental health. I have some leftover followers from what this tumblr used to be so I am just letting y’all know. I hope good things come from this.

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