#i don't know how i should post comics like this. i could just wait until i finish everything and then post it but I'll die

[arrgh-whatever]

6 pages out of who knows

[bunnys-kisses]

teacher's pet - halsin silverbough

pairing: halsin silverbough x fem!reader rating: 18+ tags: pwp, apprentice!reader, master/pupil relationship, smut, 2.3k words, multiple positions, a small fic a/n: partially inspired by this post by @chiwhorei

  To join with Halsin was not something you expected to happen. You were quite content with being his apprentice in the Grove. But, when he decided to join the party to find out more about the tadpoles, you were taken away on the adventure too.

At first it was hard to be away from home, you often missed it quite dearly. But Halsin was there to comfort you during the early period of your journey.

  ”We will return before you know it.“ He said as he placed you in his lap and rubbed your head with his large hand. He wiped away the stray tears and even joked that you'd become a hero. That made you smile a little.

You, a hero? It was almost comical. You bloomed under his attention and care, he still made sure that you were kept up to date with your studies. When he returned to camp, he often asked you questions about what you had been reading that day.

  ”You have to keep your mind sharp, you know.“ He said, ”Now, why don't you try again with that question?”

But with time, his touches lingered longer. His gaze held yours more often. He often found himself touching parts of you while at camp. He especially loved placing his hand on the small of your back and guiding you around. After all, you were meant to learn everything from him.

He told you that he could never imagine leaving you behind at Emerald Grove. You were meant to be his side, after all that was why he picked you to be his apprentice. Even though he had many throughout his life, there was none like you.

  “So curious.” He once said, “So kind.” He wanted to reach out for you, but stopped himself. He had to maintain a hard line between apprentice and pupil.

But in all fairness, it didn't take long for the line to become blurred. Those back at the Grove wouldn't know if he touched your back or got a good smell of your hair as you walked by. They wouldn't know that he had one more than on occasion pleasured himself to thoughts of you.

He wondered if you had any lovers, if a man had ever touched you. Not that he was the most possessive man, but he was curious if he had to teach you more than just healing.

He wondered how you tasted, how you sounded when you reached climax. How hot your body would run if he pleasured you in just the right way. There were many questions that all made him wonder if he'd ever get an answer or would they be simple ideas that wracked his brain when he was alone.

He stood close to six feet and five inches. He made you feel so small, even with the encouraging smiles. He knew that, he knew that you'd always be so much smaller than him. But that was alright, he was your teacher after all. Which meant that he was assigned to protect you when the wilderness outside the Grove became too powerful for you.

And of course, you'd be there to bandage his wounds. One time you were applying bandages and he got a good look at your cleavage. He wondered if such a smaller woman could become as powerful as him. He held a need to protect you, even from himself.

But he was often lost in thought about you. You were the same way. And like a strong magnet, you came together in a night of heated passion. Then another one soon after that, then another one after that. Soon it became a frequent occurrence.

  “I'm doing this to train you further, you should be able to perform under pressure.” But in reality he loved how you squirmed on his cock and he loved dumping his seed deep into you.

  “Of course, master.” You blushed, “I want to learn everything you know!”

He smiled and patted your head, “ Of course, little one. Now come here before the others come back.” Then patted his lap.

-

It was another long day, night had crossed the sky. Most of the party was asleep except for you and Halsin. You had waited in the dark until Halsin moved from his bed roll and went into the forest. You followed soon after him like a puppy dog.

He heard you following him and turned around to look at you. You picked up the pace and got closer to him. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders and pulled you close to him. Your face was up against his side as he led you further into the woods.

You felt excitement to your core as eventually you two found a familiar clearing to have your nightly activities. You felt a heat pool in your gut as you exited the thickness of the woods.

He let go of you and you walked closer to the nearby river. His gaze caught the sight of your ass as you swayed your hips from side to side. He chuckled to himself, “Teasing me, aren't you?”

You looked at him, “No, sir.” And yelped when he closed the gap between you two and grabbed you by the ass. He squeezed the cheek and leaned down to kiss you to silence you.

Your legs became like jelly as you melted into his kiss. He knew exactly how to make you weak. You had trained so hard to have zero weakness! Yet, your master was the one who left you so weak and vulnerable.

When he pulled away,  he took you by the hand and led you up on the boulders that lined the river. He began to undress you slowly, it was like opening a present. He had seen you naked before, but this was something else. To see you up so close.

He kept you in his large lap as he pulled your clothes off of you. His callused hands grabbed your breasts. He pulled at your nipples gently over your thin bra before he took that off too. Your naked body was exposed to the warm air of the night.

  “You look divine, my apprentice. I wish I could have done this sooner. To taste you, to have you.” He dipped his head to kiss at your neck. You reached behind you to grab onto his hair.

He continued to play with your breasts, he listened closely to the sounds that you made. His covered erection rubbed against your back.

  “Do you want me, little one? Do you want to feel me inside of you.” He pulled at your nipples once more, “Because I want to feel every inch of you.” His voice was low and hot, it made heat curl in your stomach.

  “Please, sir. Take me.” You whined in response. You did everything you could to keep your voice low. You didn't want your passionate cries to be heard from camp.

He chuckled, “Of course, anything for my little apprentice.” Then picked you up with ease and placed you down beside him. He slowly began to take off his clothes, careful not to toss them into the river by accident.

You blushed at the sight of fuzz on his body and the strength of his muscles. You often joked that he looked like the bear he turned into, and he said that you'd make a cuter cub. Which only made your ears grow hotter.

Once he was naked,  he man-handled you like you weighed nothing and got you settled back into his lap. He pushed hair away from your face and buried his face in your neck as he moved you so you could be seated on his cock.

You held onto your knees as you felt the stretch of your pussy around his cock. You held your breath and reminded yourself to breathe as you sank on his length. When you were fully seated on it, it felt like it was in your throat.

He was big, but it only made sense considering his proportions. He was a large man with a cock big enough to make anyone feel small.  You slowly rolled your hips to get more adjusted to his size. You puffed out your cheeks for a moment as you tried to move up and down his length.

He groaned into your heated skin as he held you in his arms. You could feel the hair on his chest against your heated back. You panted and moaned but tried your best to keep your noises down to a minimum. When you became used to his size inside of you, you felt the wash of pleasure over your heated body.

  “Halsin, ah!” You whined as you began to move faster.

He chuckled and kissed at your neck, “That's it. Such a good apprentice. You're an amazing learner. But you still have a lot to learn.”

  “Ah, sir!” You squeaked as you felt his cock bully your cervix. Of course you'd end up with the man with the largest cock at camp. Not only was he your teacher, but also your lover.

  “I feel like I should be quizzing you now.” He laughed, “There's a lot you can learn while being intimate with a man.” He kissed your neck and held you close to him.

You felt your brain practically leak out of your ear. You let him take control of rutting up into you. You reached behind yourself and held onto him as you rode him. Your heart hammered in your chest as the sounds of your fucking filled the nighttime air.

His hands were back on your breasts as he played with your hard nipples. His breath was hot against your already heated skin.

  “Please, Halsin.” You whimpered as you felt his cock hit more of your sweet spot. You felt your toes curl as you tried to relax against your lover.

  “I know, I know. You feel so good. I can't get enough of you. Since the moment I saw you, I knew you were destined to be mine. Now I have you all to myself. To love, to be with.” He said as he thrusted up into you.

You moaned and arched your back away from your teacher. He held onto your hips to guide you up and down his length. Every hard thrust felt like a blow to the gut. It left you breathless. With his heated pants against your shoulder you felt like you were in a state of euphoria.

You kicked out your legs as you felt a sting of pleasure run up your spine and the heat bloom in your chest. Your head started to feel hazy from the intense feeling. You cling to your lover as he thrusted up into you. His large frame behind you made you feel so tiny and vulnerable.

  “My sweet apprentice. You always know how to repay me for my teachings.” He remarked with a slight joke to his voice, “You know how to drive me wild.” He said as if he didn't try to have sex with you weeks earlier while in his bear form.

Your body bounced against his thrusts and you held onto him harder for some stability. Everything felt loose on your body and your brain felt gooey and soft like honey. He had a way with you that you couldn't define into words.

  “Please, Halsin.” You whimpered, “Please, sir.”

  “Of course, little one.” He then positioned you on your hands and knees, facing the river before you as he thrusted into you at a different angle. You were so easy to move, he could put you into whatever position he needed you in.

Now with a deeper angle, you felt like your womb was in your throat from how hard he was thrusting up into you. He groaned as he continued to move his hips. He pushed you further into the rock under you. Your hips were tilted at an angle that he got to the deepest parts of you. If he was hitting against your cervix prior, he was for sure doing so now.

Your eyes rolled back and the orgasm took you by surprise. You gripped onto him as you arched your back once more. You felt sweaty but at the peak of your pleasure as you climaxed around his heavy cock.

  “Good girl.” He said with affection in his tone. He continued to thrust into you. He gave it his all as he held onto your hips, he watched your ass move with each one of his hard strokes.

He licked his lips and leaned in to give your back a nice string of hickies. You were just too perfect in that state, with your nose pressed against the cool rock. To fuck out in the wild was a blessing, to share the sight of your pleasure with nature.

You were divine, his little student. He was going to make sure that you learned everything he could offer. Then maybe, if you agreed too, he'd make you his wife. But until then a little pleasure went a long way.

It wasn't the most conventional,  but he didn't mind.  You'd make a great woman for the rest of his days. With a few more thrusts of his hips, he finished inside of you with a loud groan.

You two slowed down as the slowness of post orgasmic bliss took over. He pulled out of you and pulled you into his arms. He kissed your face before you turned in his arms. The sight of you aroused him once more.

You giggled a bit before you ran a finger across his slick cock. You whispered, “Let me help you, sir. I see you still have a bit of a problem.”

The chuckle came from deep in his chest, “Of course. Help your teacher, please.” He knew he'd be falling asleep with his cock nestled in your sweet sex.

Such a teacher's pet.

[emmic0n]

(posting the fanfic here since I don't have an AO3 account yet) For He's a Jolly good Chess piece

Caine sat in contemplative silence, brainstorming what the next big act should be. When a time-keeping subroutine caught his attention... One of his oldest friends, Kinger, was about to spend his 30th year in the Digital Circus! Humans celebrated anniversaries like this, and Caine was no different. He quickly prepared the stage for a party. The act could wait, his friend needed to be celebrated!

Pomni, Zooble, Gangle, Jax, and Ragatha all found themselves suddenly on-stage. They all braced to endure whatever new act Caine came up with, but instead, Kinger appeared center-stage wearing a birthday hat and a glittering version of his robe. His sudden arrival was signaled with loud, dazzling fireworks, of which he reflexively screamed and cowered from.

Caine himself finally appeared, shouting “Friends! What a wonderful, wonderful day this is! Our friend Kinger,” Caine directed his attention to the regal chess piece, causing them to shrink into their robe out of fear, “is about to have his 30th anniversary here at the digital circus! This is a cause for celebration!”

Caine gave raucous applause as party poppers sounded, streamers flew in from out of nowhere, and a massive banner unfurled reading “Happy 30!! !”. Some of the humans clapped once or twice out of awkwardness, looking at Kinger with pity.

Kinger, meanwhile, stared off into infinity (which was not that much different from his usual expression). Time was but a meaningless slurry to him, but being given an exact reference point was far worse. He had spent almost a majority of his life trapped in a horrible nightmare simulation, a few more years and he'd have been here longer than he had been in the physical world. Realizing this, his already shattered psyche cracked into even smaller pieces. Tears welled in his eyes.

Caine watched his friend cry tears of what could only be joy! What a heartwarming moment it was!

“oh buddy, don't you start getting sentimental on me! If you start crying then I'll start crying!” Caine laughed, “Ha! That was a joke, I don't know how to!”

Ragatha attempted to butt in on Kinger's behalf, “Caine, I don't think Kin-” “Now Then!” Caine interrupted, “Let's party!”

The party consisted of games (that were about as dangerous/painful as Caine's normal acts), Cake (that wasn't edible, let alone tasty), and entertainment (which consisted of Bubble screaming on-stage for 30 straight minutes). As things wound down, Caine announced that gifts would be next!

“So!” Caine said, “what did you all bring for the man of honor?”

A moment of silent confusion passed.

“Caine, we didn't know there was gonna be a party, we didn't have a chance to get gifts.” Pomni said.

“no gifts?!” Caine exclaimed, he clicked his non-existent tongue disapprovingly “how inconsiderate, you should all know better!” His disapproving tone then immediately shifted back into his usual state of manic bombastic-ness, “But don't worry! My gift is so good that It can be from all of us! Kinger!”

The floating ringmaster once again snapped his attention to the chess piece, and once again, Kinger cowered in sheer terror.

“Kinger, my dear, dear friend. Ever since you arrived here, 30 years ago, there has been only one thing you wanted.”

Kinger stopped recoiling, did he dare hope?

“something I have never given you, until today.”

Was he going to get his freedom?

“That's right, I'm granting you your deepest desire-”

This was it! Kinger would be free! He could go home!

“your freeeeee-”

YES! YES! YES!

“-eeeee novelty mug!”

Kinger didn't process what Caine said until the mug materialized in his lap, it read “#100% Kigner” in comic sans.

Kinger never wanted a novelty mug

Kinger never voiced any interest in owning a novelty mug

Kinger had no idea where Caine got the idea that he wanted a novelty mug

after a palpable moment of silence. Kinger just said

“...Thanks, Caine.”

[emillyverse]

This is not an update to the Comic, but it still has something to do with it !!!

(call it a little gift for the Wish Rewrite and KoW fandom)

Hello my little stars! How are you?

I mentioned in the last post in the series that I would be traveling for a week or two and that's why I wouldn't be working. Well I'm still traveling Lmao.

It's been a lot of fun, I'm visiting my Prince Charming and family, both of whom I haven't been to in a long time. Still, I couldn't stop thinking about KoW and Wish's Concept Arts. Disney sealed the fate of its fan artists by discarding so much good material, now they are embedded in our minds and we will not be able to rest until we see them realized. This is crazy but it's beautiful to see how much these discarded concepts generated creative potential in the fandom.

Because of all this I couldn't help but make some small sketches! And well, I came to show them here. They are not sketches of Comic panels, but they have something to do with it and I will show the photos and explain how.

This first one, very faded, are Magnificent and Amable's clothes (designed by @uva124, for the characters in @annymation's rewrite of Wish "The Kingdom of Wishes"). The drawings that Aled did are very complex, I don't judge her for that, in fact I thank her, she gave beautiful clothes to the centuries-old Disney villains and they are perfect. I really wish I could draw them with all the details, but I will do everything by hand, alone and seeking a minimally professional quality (I want to be a comic artist/book illustrator one day. This comic is my first step Lmao, and I want to do something that conveys the best I can give at the moment), so I need to make some things easier for myself. The costumes are one of those things.

" Better something simple and well done than complex and poorly done." — This is my motto for this Comic and for my life.

The next sketches are related to aesthetics. I've been watching a lot of "Analyzing the Art" videos of some Disney films and I was inspired to adopt some "Disney Style" features in my arts for this comic (not everything obviously, because I don't want to be sued by Disney lmao).

What you'll see next is me trying to mix this influence with my own style in some KoW character sketches.

(this last art specifically references a meme in which @rascalentertainments tagged me, Thanks for that, by the way! <3 )

(credits to the artist, I don't know who it is because I was just tagged in this meme and I was busy So I didn't look for more information, but I'll leave the post link and you can check the official credits)

Speaking of aesthetics. Anny received Chiara's aesthetic from someone — the north star, "daughter of Aster", created by his magic at the very end of Anny's fanfic. This Aesthetic inspired me to create an aesthetic for Asha and Aster too and these were the results:

What's your favorite?

Lmao, It took a lot of work to make Aster's. There are almost no things for "starboys" on Pinterest.

I'm leaving this up to you to share as you wish, consider it a gift to the fandom!

Lastly, I want to say that the artistic analysis videos They also inspired me to put together a moodboard for KoW and I'll be leaving it here. Not even Anny and Aled know about this and I can't wait to see their reactions! I wish I could print this painting and leave it on the wall, but unfortunately I don't have a printer T-T.

This moodboard is helping me with the artistic direction of colors, style and is a visual motivation to stay active at work.

I hope you like it too!

That's it for today, it's already midnight in Brazil and I should be sleeping instead of posting crazy things on the internet. I'm going to tag my friends and go to sleep, Lmao.

Kisses full of light and stars!

~ Emy

@wings-of-sapphire @flicklikesstuff @frogcoven88 @chillwildwave @gracebethartacc @gracebethartacc @kstarsarts @oh-shtars Come and get your therapies after the anguish caused by certain publications by Anny!

[jasntodds]

Petrichor [7]

Pairing: Jason Todd x Fem!Powered!Reader (little bit of fwb)

Words: 14,007  

Warnings: Swearing, fluff, angst, hurt/comfort, mentions of scars, mentions of a panic attack, manipulation, canon drug use, comic book science? Titans science? (author's note at the end lol), canon violence, blood, bruises, gore, breaking bones, mentions of nightmares, canon character death (I'm so sorry)

Summary: ❝Pylades: I’ll take care of you. Orestes: It’s rotten work.Pylades: Not to me. Not if it’s you.❞

Gotham is home, not just for Jason but for you, too. And now that you’re both finally back home, together, you’re ready to see where this next chapter brings the two of you. He’s your best friend and you’re his. And you both might want a little something more with being back home, the place you both feel most comfortable. Surely, nothing could possibly go wrong now.

A/N: Happy birthday to Jason Todd!! So, sorry I did this for his birthday lmao I lied, this is longer than I thought it would be lol But I'm so sorry. I don't have anything else to say for myself besides canon made me do it and so did the comics lol I hope you guys like it!! If you want context from book 1, let me know and I’ll tell you!! You can add yourself to the tag list below, ask me to be tagged, or you can follow my library blog @jasntoddslibrary and turn on notifications if you prefer that!! I love feedback, I swear it keeps me posting on a weekly basis 😭

series masterlist | masterlist | tag list

Over the next couple of weeks, Jason continues to go to therapy as directed by Bruce. To his surprise, it actually seems to be helping a little bit. He’s still having nightmares but they aren’t every night anymore. His hands aren’t shaking as badly either. He just feels a little bit better. Maybe Bruce and you were right about Leslie.

You and Jason are doing better, too. There have been moments where he’s gotten a little too frustrated but he remembers your talk and you give him a little bit of space until he’s ready to talk. It works for the both of you. You go on dates at least once a week and you both actually feel normal during the day. It’s not about being a vigilante and figuring out how to survive.

You go out on patrol three days a week instead of six. This is Jason’s thing and you know it bothers him. You can wait to patrol every night until he gets Robin back. It doesn’t bother you that much. And this way, you get to spend more time together and exist in a normal way that you desperately craved. You are a normal couple for once.

Above all of that, it’s been good. Things have been good. And while that is terrifying, you and Jason stick it out anyway. You don’t run or push. You both want to sometimes because it’s easier but you’re both fucking happy. So, you don’t. You don’t do it because losing each other is worse than anything the other could ever dish out. Running and pushing wouldn’t do either of you any good for the first time in your lives. So, you both enjoy the happiness together. Until things come to a screeching halt.

You're in the living room, having a FaceTime TV marathon with Gar when Bruce comes home. He offers a quick hello before trying to walk off but you call him anyway. He’s home a lot later than he should be since he went to pick up Jason. It was his request you stay back this time.

“Where’s Jason?” You question.

In all fairness, you wouldn’t be asking him normally but you also haven’t heard much from Jason since his therapy session ended. He said Bruce was taking him somewhere so he would be home later. And that was kind of the end of it. He’s been doing quite a bit better so you haven’t been as worried when he doesn’t text you back right away. But now Bruce is here without him.

“In the city.” Bruce answers plainly.

“Why? You went to pick him up?” You raise a brow and something happened. Jason texted you in the car. He was fine and with Bruce.

You look at the time and see that was a few hours ago.

“He’s upset. I’m giving him space. You should, too.” Bruce states.

“What did you do?” You deadpan, pulling up the text thread with Jason.

“I did not do anything.” Bruce defends. “He’ll be home soon.” Bruce states before he walks off.

“Everything okay?” Gar asks.

“Nope.” You shake your head. “I assume they got into some sort of fight again.” You roll your eyes. “Did he text you by chance?” You ask seeing the read receipt from a few hours ago.

Gar checks his phone and the last he heard from Jason was that morning. “No, he hasn’t texted me since this morning. What’s going on?”

You: you okay? Bruce said you’re upset what happened?

“I have no idea. He was fine earlier.” You let out a sigh, looking back at Gar through the tablet screen.

“You said he’s been better, right? Maybe he’s just blowing off steam from Bruce.” Gar suggests. Jason has shared some of the stuff that's happened and has complained a little about Bruce.

“Yeah, but if that’s the case, he usually comes to me to bitch about Bruce because I always agree with him.” You give Gar a grin just as your phone goes off.

Jaybird 🥰: fuck bruce I’m fine don’t worry

You: what happened? Do you want me to come get you?

“Well he texted me back and I was right, fight with Bruce.” You roll your eyes.

They fight sometimes, usually about Robin-related things or Jason wanting to do something reckless and Bruce putting a stop to it. Jason’s usually only a mad an hour or so before he’s fine and over it. Jason doesn’t hold very many grudges.

“Did he say about what?” Gar asks.

“Nope. Just said, fuck Bruce.”

Jaybird 🥰: no just wanna be alone still you and me love you ❤️

You: call or text every so often so I know you’re okay please I love you, too 🥰

“What’d he say?” Gar asks. He worries enough for the both of you/

“He wants to be alone and when Jason wants to be alone that is never good. But we have this thing where I let him be alone and then he tells me about it later. So, I guess I have to wait. If he isn’t home or texting me in a few hours, I’ll go look for him.” You reluctantly put your phone down. Giving Jason space is never easy.

“Think he’ll be alright?” Gar asks with worry in his voice.

“Yeah, him and Bruce fight sometimes. I’m sure it’s nothing too bad, Bruce probably just said something stupid and Jason was already in a mood.” You let out a sigh as the worry feeling gnaws at your stomach.

“Did you want to still—“

“Yeah, yeah, no. We can keep watching. He said he’ll text me.” You offer a soft smile while the two of you continue your show.

It’s not fair. It’s utter bullshit. Jason can’t help the way his blood is boiling and fuming while his hands shake. Bruce doesn’t think he’s good enough to be Robin. Bruce gave up on him. Jason is supposed to be his son and Bruce gave up on him anyway but he never gave up on Dick. If Jason weren’t so weak, this whole thing never would have happened. But he’s gonna prove to Bruce he can be Robin. He can be the best Robin and he can be a better Batman, too. He just needs a little help in the fear department.

He’s desperate. He tells himself this is a one-time thing. Fear creeps in his throat, grasping to be let out in the damp air. It’s a one-time thing, he tells himself. He’s out of options if he wants to be Robin. He’s out of options if he wants to keep the most important thing in his life. All he needs is a quick fix to fear and he’ll be back out there, better than he has ever been. He’ll prove it to Bruce. Bruce is wrong about him.

Bruce thinks he’s a mistake. He thinks Jason isn't worth the trouble just like everyone else. Bruce thinks Jason is weak. He thought Jason could replace Dick and he couldn’t. Not as Robin and not as Bruce’s son. But if he can get rid of his fear, he can show him how wrong he is. He isn’t just another mistake. He isn’t weak and he’s better than Dick. He swears this will be it. It won’t be bad. He can handle this. He swears it’ll all be fine. So, he hangs up on Leslie and heads inside the gates of Arkham Asylum as rain patters around him.

He’s a master manipulator. Jason knows that. It’s one of the things he’s best at. But the desperation for a cure to fear clouds every aspect of that. The desperation doesn’t let him see why Crane wants information for the cure. He can’t see Crane’s angel in his state of paralyzed desperation. And Jason has been manipulated before. He swears he’ll know if Crane is manipulating him because he knows what to look out for this time. But, desperation and the fear of being scared forever, go hand in hand. Fear and desperation cloud everything. He tosses his loyalty from the window as he gets closer to the formula. Crane gives him a piece of it with every piece of information Jason gives him.

“Tell me about the first Robin.” Crane offers this grin that sends a chill down Jason’s spine.

“Like what?” Jason huffs.

“His name, where he is, everything you know.”

“Dick Grayson. He’s in San Francisco and goes by Nightwing.” Jason explains, throwing Dick completely under the bus. He has a problem with Dick now anyway. Dick Grayson has always been the goody two shoes and Bruce’s favorite. Jason only got to be Robin because Dick abandoned Bruce. Jason was a filler. “He’s with the Titans. He got Deathstroke’s son killed and dropped me from a skyscraper.” Jason lets out a scoff.

“Interesting. Doesn’t seem to be the golden boy Bruce portrayed him as.” Crane grins and this is easier than he thought it would be. Jason has no problems rolling, apparently and Crane knows he’s going to use that to his advantage.

He’s broken. He’s desperate and Crane has the cure he wants. This is going to be easy and Crane gets all benefits. Jason lets him take down the Bat but in the best way. Crane is going to get the Bat’s son to turn on him and get rid of him. To break him. And then Dick Grayson and all of Gotham will follow. Crane finds the whole thing a little poetic. He can use him. And Jason will never see through it once he figures out the formula.

“Yep.” Jason answers simply, wanting to get this over with and Crane offers him a piece of the formula.

“The Titans. Who are they?” Crane asks, hiding the malicious intent behind curiosity.

Jason looks up to him and he doesn’t like to throw some of the others under the bus. But Crane is here. He can’t do anything. And most of them thought he was just Dick’s weaker replacement anyway. They gave up, too.

“Rachel Roth, Raven. Hank Hall, Hawk. Dawn Granger, Dove. Kory Anders, Starfire. Conner Kent, Superboy. Gar Logan, Beast Boy.” Jason pauses, waiting to see if Crane knows more.

Of course, he does. He’s in Arkham, not living under a rock. The Bat gains a new sidekick and everyone knows about it. Crane is only taking a guess the new sidekick also was a Titan based on when you showed up and your close proximity with Robin, himself. He saw Jason’s hesitance on his face. The fear.

Crane chuckles softly. “Aren’t you missing someone, pal?” Crane asks, almost a little too warmly. “Could have sworn there was one more.”

Jason grits his teeth and he’s so sorry.

When he came up with this plan, he had a feeling Crane would want information. He came prepared for it. Part of that preparation was leaving you the hell out of it. Not you. Crane can’t know about you. Anyone but you. But he does know. He already knows you're a Titan and he already knows you work for Bruce. Jason has no choice if he wants the formula. And he is so sorry.

Jason says your name with bitterness on his tongue. “Bluejay. She doesn't really like the name thing though.” Jason answers.

Crane has a soft smile. “She’s the new bird. So many of you are birds.” Crane chuckles. “I do find it interesting you would try to leave her out of it. She’s the new edition to Batman. Let me guess,” Crane boasts around his cell. “Your girlfriend.”

Not you. You've done everything you can to save him and help him. He loves you. Not you. Anyone but you.

“No.” Jason answers. “Just friends.” He bites the words because maybe Crane doesn’t know for sure you’re together and he wants you at arm's length.

“If you want the formula, you really shouldn’t lie to me.” Crane has a sinister smile. “You wouldn’t leave her out of it if you were just friends.” Crane lets the words fall with ease.

He’s so fucking sorry.

“Yeah, okay fine. Girlfriend.” Jason spits.

He knows you’ll never forgive him if you find out. You can’t tell Molly anything but he’s here telling Crane everything. You're going to hate him. But he needs a cure. He can’t feel this way forever. He can’t do it. He doesn't think he’ll be able to live like this anymore.

“Ah, young love.” Crane smiles with that shrug of his shoulders. You're going to be an interesting obstacle in this one. He’s already trying to protect you from this. Crane knows he needs to break that bond as fast as he can if he wants this plan to work. “I want to know about her.” There’s this look that crosses Crane’s eyes and Jason almost turns around.

But he doesn’t.

“Why? She’s not with the fucking Titans and she hates Bruce. She works with him because of me. That’s it. She got a suit out of it and a place to stay.”

“I’m a bit of a romantic, myself. Love stories are cute. Always having someone on your side, through thick and thin. It is quite romantic, don’t you think? If we’re going to work together, I want to know why she’s so important to you.” Crane grins. “You can trust me, boy. We want the same things and the way the Bat has treated you…it’s so cruel. But I, I believe in you. That’s why I’m helping you. You trust me, don’t you?”

You're going to kill him. Guilt chews at his limbs. His jaw squares and he thinks swallowing his own teeth would be easier than this. But he has to. Maybe Crane is being sincere. Jason thinks he is. At least enough. Maybe if Jason tells him enough, Crane will see you aren’t a problem. Maybe he’ll see you would side with them. You want Gotham to be better, you don’t agree with Bruce’s ways. Maybe Crane will understand. He’s helping Jason, maybe he can help you. You're scared, too.

“Dick found her.” Jason answers reluctantly. “She joined the Titans. We went after Deathstroke together. Got kidnapped and dropped from the skyscraper. Dick saved her. CADMUS attacked her, Gar, and Conner when I was gone. Dick left them alone when shit hit the fan. CADMUS left her for dead. So, she came back to Gotham.” Jason explains.

“She was there with Deathstroke.” Crane lets out a sigh and like Bruce, in a way, he can always tell when someone could need him. Someone who’s been traumatized. His intentions aren’t as pure as Bruce’s. “But Dick saved her and not you. Did you save her?”

“It wasn’t like that.” Jason shakes his head. “Dick tried to save me first and dropped me. Then he saved her. But yeah,” Jason nods. “I protected her and she did the same shit for me.”

“The two of you went through something so traumatic together. That really must have brought you closer. It’s not as romantic as I was hoping for but it is quite nice.” Crane grins. “She has powers, doesn’t she?”

“Acid generation.” Jason stares, leaving out the combat clairvoyance and the possibility of you having sharp shooting abilities. Two things Crane can’t prove Jason lied about.

“Now that is interesting. Does she know you’re here right now? Asking for my help?”

“No.” Jason shakes his head. “Look, she’s got nothing to with this shit. But, I can get her on our side. The other Titans targeted me for all types of shit I didn’t do and she was the only one on my side. She’s not a fucking problem. I can handle her.”

Crane grins and that’s all he needs. Jason is already hiding something huge from you. The distrust will be there and Jason doesn’t know Crane’s whole plan. If it goes the way he thinks it will, it’ll break your relationship. He will have no one left besides Crane. Exactly how he wants it. So, he decides he’ll let Jason think he believes this whole thing and moves back to the Titans.

“I do hope you’re right.” Crane sighs. “Tell me everything that happened in San Fransisco, with all of the Titans.”

Jason lets out a sigh before he spills every piece of information. He tells him everything from Trigon to Deathstroke to CADMUS. He tells him about the Titans turning on him for something he didn’t do, you talking him off the roof. Dick's confession and Donna’s death. Everything.

Then he tells Crane everything he knows about Bruce. The manor, the Batcave. Everything. He tells Crane about his training and the cabin, how Bruce found him and how Bruce found Dick. He spills and Crane lets him talk. Crane listens a lot but asks questions where he finds needed but he mostly just lets Jason talk as Jason keeps you out of it as much as he can. Jason is far more cooperative when it comes to everyone else.

Crane figures once he figures out the formula, he can get more information on you and use it against him if he needs to. He can’t have anyone if this is going to work and Crane knows exactly how he’ll be able to accomplish it. But for now, it’s about the Titans and Bruce. By the time Jason finishes, he’s got the formula tucked away in his pocket, ready to let fear go.

Jason pulls his phone from his pocket once he’s far enough away from Arkham. He’s spent the walk running over every lie he could tell you. Guilt eats at him with every step he takes. You're gonna kill him. He’s gonna lie to you because he knows for a fact, you’ll freak out. You’ll think he’s gone off the deep end and you’ll tell Dick. You’ll drag him kicking and screaming out of Gotham. You’ll tell Arkham and he won’t be able to see Crane again. It’s not fair and it’s not right. But you can’t know. And a part of him finds that to be unfair, too because he’s gonna fix his fear while you have to suffer with yours. That’s not fair to you. So, he thinks.

Maybe he can figure out a way to bring it up without bringing it up. Maybe he can try to see how you’d feel about a way to get rid of fear. If you seem for it, then he can tell you. He can see if you want to help. But the more he thinks about that, the more he thinks about Crane.

You’d have to be involved with him. Jason doesn’t want you involved with him. Not him. And he knows, the second he tells you about Crane, you’ll lose it. Even if you want a cure-all. You’ll bail the second you hear about Crane. You would never work with a guy like that. So, he has no choice. It’s that or end it and he doesn’t want to do that either.

“Hey.” Jason says as you pick up the phone.

“Jay? Where are you? I’ve been texting you to make sure you were okay.” He can hear your worry and he thinks maybe the anti-fear drug will make him not worry. Maybe you don’t want to worry so much.

“I’m sorry.” Jason clears his throat. “I needed to clear my damn head. I’m fine. Can you come get me, please?”

“Yeah, of course. Where are you?” You answer and Jason can hear you rustling on the other end.

“I’ll text you the address.” Jason states. “Thanks.”

“Of course.” You hang up and get to your feet while Jason texts you the address.

When you reach Jason, he’s soaked. Your heart aches, feeling like it’s being squeezed right through your rib cage at the sight of him. He looks exhausted and lost. He looks distant and he is drenched from the winter rain. Something bad happened and you have no idea how you're going to be able to help.

You take off your helmet, not getting off the bike. “Jay, are you okay?”

Jason gets up from the curb and walks up to you, offering you a fake smile. “Yeah.” His jaw clenches and he doesn’t even want to go home. He doesn’t want to see Bruce. He’d rather be outside in the cold. “All good.”

“What happened?” You reach out but Jason dodges you, reaching for his helmet. A lump grows in your throat. He doesn’t dodge you. Not like that.

“Bruce took Robin away.” Jason’s voice cracks as he shakes his head.

He dodges your stare. He doesn’t want to see the look you’ll give him. On the one hand, he’ll feel guilty. He’ll feel guilty for lying and talking to Crane. And on the other, you’ll give him a look that screams pity and that is the last thing he needs. Jason Todd doesn’t need anyone’s pity.

“What do you mean?” You question.

“Like fucking permanently. He said I can’t be Robin anymore.” Jason lets out a bitter scoff as he feels the anger come back to his bloodstream.

“Jay, I’m so sorry.” You say softly.

You never thought Bruce would take it away like that. Jason has been doing everything Bruce asked him to do. Ever since the Pete Hawkins thing, Jason has backed off entirely. He is putting a real effort into therapy, really trying to let the process help. Why would Bruce rip it away from him?

“Fuck him. I’m gonna fucking show him he’s wrong. He's fucking wrong about me.” Jason grits his teeth.

“He is.” You nod your head. “Come on. Let’s get you home and warm and we can talk more, okay?”

“Whatever.” Jason scoffs, popping his helmet on before he gets on the back and holds onto you while you drive back to the manor.

You get Jason back to the manor and into a warm shower. He says almost nothing. It’s as if he’s completely numb and it breaks you to see him like this. Jason is anything but quiet in a shower with you, usually. And he’s always handsy and cheeky. But, tonight, he’s just quiet, going through the motions, stuck on his own head.

You don’t understand how Bruce could take Robin away like that. It’s not fair. Jason does what Bruce asks him to and he messes up sometimes but that’s normal. How does he not see Robin is the most important thing to him? You even told him that. And he took Robin anyway. He never should have let him be Robin in the first place if this was something that could happen. Dick almost killed someone and he didn’t take Robin from Dick. Jason tries his best. Why isn’t that good enough for Bruce?

Dick was always right about him.

Jason plops onto your bed, his eyes red and puffy. His heart feels like it’s being crushed by cinderblocks. It all hurts. How did he really let another person down? How was he fooled into believing Bruce was different than everyone else? He thinks about his dad. His dad wasn’t a good person but Jason, sometimes, wonders if it was him. Maybe it was his fault his dad was like that. Maybe it was different before him. His dad didn’t choose to be his dad. But Bruce chose it. And still is giving up on him. Jason is Bruce’s son by choice, he thought the choice of picking a son, would make it different. But it’s the same old story Jason hates retelling.

He fucks up and people give up.

“Want me to rub your back while you tell me about it?” You offer as you stand in between his legs, looking down at him.

Jason looks up at you and you always worried so much. He wishes he could be better so you wouldn’t worry about him. He wonders why you choose him. You don’t have to, like Bruce. But you do. He wonders if one day you’ll stop. If his mom and his dad and his uncle and Dick and Bruce all chose other things over him, why wouldn't you? But he looks up at you and you give him this soft smile with your fingertips brushing his knees with care and he thinks you're still different than everyone else.

Jason cracks a soft smile. “Yeah, actually. Thank you.”

“Of course.” You smile softly.

Jason switches to his stomach, facing the TV just as you did the first day you started your friends-with-benefits situation. You sit on top of him and run your hands over his back. Your hands are cold, sending goosebumps up his spine. Your hands are always cold, something he always finds a bit ironic given the acid generation warms your hands. But your fingers are soft as you trace over the scars on his back. You do it every time and he always meant to ask.

“Why do you do that?” Jason asks, his eyes closed with his head on his hands.

“Do what?” You ask as you start rubbing his shoulders.

“Trace the scars.”

“I dunno.” You shake your head and you didn’t realize you did it often enough for him to notice.

You're not even sure why you do it. It’s something mindless. Maybe it’s your subconscious wishing if you trace them enough times, it’ll remove the damage the scars have caused him, like a magic eraser. Or maybe tracing the scars is confirmation he’s real.

Sometimes, you have a hard time believing he’s real. All of this is real. You used to dream of a life outside of the basement, sometimes they’d feel so real you could swear they were. Wishful thinking.

Maybe you trace them as confirmation that the raised and paled skin is real, Jason is here with you and you're not dreaming. Maybe you like the way the scars look on his skin but he managed to pull through all of his terrible shit and make it out the other end with a smart mouth and a heart of gold anyway. Maybe, you just do it because you care about him regardless of the scars and what made them.

“Does it bother you?” You ask softly.

“No.” Jason answers. “Just wondering.”

It always makes him feel vulnerable, a harsh reminder he is not invincible as much as he likes to believe he is sometimes. He might have survived those injuries but they’re there as harsh reminders. And you touch them and he thinks maybe you find comfort in them, because you have them, too. And that’s always enough for him. He thinks it makes him feel human and real and alive. He always feels a little exposed but it’s become comforting with you.

“What happened?”

He thinks he has his lies in order. He knows he might be sabotaging the relationship. Despite everything he thinks as you massage over the scar on his back, he knows. He knows you might not forgive him. There’s always a chance you won’t be so understanding when you inevitably find out because you always figure him out. But it's a risk he has to take.

He can’t keep doing this anymore. He can’t keep not sleeping. He can’t keep shaking and freezing. He can’t keep living like this. He knows he can’t. It’ll destroy him. It’ll be miserable. The idea of going back to being useless and not good enough and a disappointment, he can’t live like that. He needs help now, before Bruce finds his replacement. Maybe you’ll understand that part.

“He fucking said he made mistakes and I guess I’m fucking one of them.” Jason scoffs from under you.

You narrow your eyes thinking Bruce didn’t actually say that. You have no faith in Bruce to communicate worth a shit given your conversation with him and given Jason and Dick. And Bruce might be very good at hiding his emotions, but you know he actually cares about Jason. You don’t think Bruce would ever tell Jason he was a mistake, even if he thought it.

“He said that?” You ask, pausing for a few seconds.

“Basically!” Jason groans. “And he doesn’t want to make more mistakes and he said I can’t be Robin anymore. He thinks I’m a fucking mental case. He doesn’t care it’s important to me. He doesn’t care that I’m doing what he wants me to. It doesn’t matter to him. It’s fucking bullshit.” Jason’s voice shakes as his back tenses under your palms.

“That’s not fair. I don’t know why he would do that. You were always a great Robin.” You say softly.

You wish you could have heard the conversation so you would know better what to say. But, you also know, even if Bruce didn’t say any of that and it came out wrong, it wouldn’t change anything for you to decipher it for him. At the end of the day, Bruce could have outright told Jason he loves him and he doesn’t want him to die and Jason would still be absolutely crushed with Robin being ripped away from him. Bruce’s delivery of the message doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything.

“Just fucking tired of being scared.” Jason lets out a defeated sigh. “Fucking gave up on me. Ya know, thought he was fucking different.” His voice is etched in pain and you wish you could take it all away. He never deserves the pain he gets.

It’s honest. He can be honest with you about that. Maybe he wants you to figure it out.

“Yeah, I get it. Being scared really sucks. You’ll get better though. I know I keep saying it but it takes time, Jay. Bruce should be giving you more time.” You say. “I’m really sorry about him.” You lean down and press a kiss to his shoulder blade. “You still have me, okay?”

He knows. He’ll always have you. Somewhere inside of him, he knows. The anxiety of you freaking out and leaving when you figure it out is there, but he also knows he’s given you every opportunity to take off and run. And you never do. You’d understand his desperation. You'd understand why he lied. He knows he still has you.

“What if there were a cure for fear?” Jason asks and he’s glad you can’t see his face. You’d know.

“What do you mean?” Your brows furrow.

“What if there was a cure? Like we can just take it and not be scared anymore.” Jason listens carefully, feeling your hands pause on his back. He knows without looking that you've got your right eyebrow raised at him, your eyes narrowing at him as if you can’t decide if he’s joking or serious.

“I mean that’d be great, but there would be consequences, right?” You question.

You're a little concerned with the question. But, that’d be insane. It’d be insane for him to really look for a cure to fear. You swear he’s just talking, doing one of his hypothetical talks he does like you do about the zombie apocalypse.

“Like what? Being fearless sounds pretty fucking good right about now.” Jason scoffs.

“We’ll, fear is just adrenaline, right? But that fear also keeps you looking both ways before crossing the street, it alerts you when someone is following you home. Without fear, also means you won’t have excitement. You’ll probably be emotionally numb to a lot of things. Not having adrenaline is dangerous though.” You answer.

“Yeah, but isn’t that fucking better than being scared all the damn time? You’re afraid of everything, too and your nightmares are back. You wouldn’t want something to stop it?” Jason looks over his shoulder.

Your nightmares came back a week and a half ago. You and Molly were on a walk and ran into Jerry’s Gotham house. You still don’t know how you missed it, but you did. You were walking and having a good time and you saw the house and that was it. You broke and it’s like all of the progress you made over the last few months evaporated into the atmosphere. Molly had to call Jason because you were having a panic attack and couldn’t snap out of it. The nightmares came back that night.

“Of course, I would.” You shrug.

You think about it and maybe it would be nice. If nothing else, just so you could get some damn proper sleep. So, you both could get some proper sleep. Maybe if you both got some sleep, you’d be better. Maybe Jason makes a good point but then you think about how happy you are when you see him and when a new movie comes out and your marathons with Gar. You wouldn’t want to trade those feelings for being fearless.

“But not if it means getting rid of everything else. Adrenaline also keeps us alive. I’ve been numb and that’s worse than being scared. Why?” You ask. “You trying to find a cure to fear or something?”

“No.” Jason scoffs, letting out a fake laugh and he was really hoping you’d be on his side with this one. “Just fucking saying, wish there were a cure. At least so I can be Robin.”

“Look, it sucks, Jaybird. But I don’t think the answer to being Robin is being fearless. You had to use that fear to survive out there, too. You’re gonna be okay and then you can go out and be your own hero. You don’t have to be Robin. Dick quit and became Nightwing. You don’t need Bruce to help people.” You say. “And I still think you’re plenty good enough. I’m just saying, if Bruce won’t let you, do it yourself when you get better. You’re good enough.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Jason sighs. “Maybe you’re right but he doesn’t believe in me anymore.” Jason says and you know it’s never your approval he’ll need. And that’s okay but you wish sometimes, like tonight, it were enough. “I’m gonna prove him wrong.”

“Good, fuck Bruce.” You smile softly. “Just…give it a little bit, okay? Keep seeing Leslie, too. She’s been helping.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Jason huffs.

“I’m serious, Jason. You do sleep more now. Seeing her is helping, just keep up with it. And then we’ll go out together. Fuck Bruce. We’ll be our own team.” You let out a soft chuckle.

“Thanks.” Jason lets out a sigh.

You make good points but his mind is made up. He’s going to do this. He doesn’t have time to wait around and hope for the best. He isn’t going to Leslie. He’s going to make the anti-fear drug and he won’t be scared anymore. Maybe you're right. Maybe he’ll be numb to everything but he doesn’t care anymore. He is desperate for a cure. He needs it. Maybe he can only use it to be Robin, just to prove himself. It’ll be a quick fix and that’ll be the end of it. Just use it out there and to sleep. You make good points, but he has to do this. And he is so sorry he has to lie about it.

Jason turns from under you so he can face you and you place your hands on his chest. You have a soft smile and he feels so guilty but you’ll understand. You’ll get it when he can function better, it’s just until this whole shit wears off. You’ll get it. If anyone will, it’ll be you.

“Thanks for not giving up on me.” Jason places his hands on your thighs, his thumbs rubbing softly against your bare skin.

“You and me.” You smile softly.

“Yeah.” Jason smiles looking at the necklace hanging from your neck. You haven't taken it off since he gave it to you. “You and me.”

“You okay?” Your voice is filled with love as you ask. No one ever asked like that before.

“Yeah.” Jason answers simply. “Just glad you’re here.”

“You sure? I’m really worried about you.” Your brows knit together. “You know I’ll always be here. No matter what.”

“I’m not gonna walk off a roof, I swear.” Jason’s eyes widen as a grin tugs at the corner of his lips.

“Good. I just know this is bad for you. I just hope you believe me because I believe in you.”

Jason sits up and places his fingers under your chin. “Thanks. Look, I’ll be fucking fine. Trust me. I got a plan.” Jason offers you a grin.

“That’s still mildly unsettling coming from you.” You smile. “What’s the plan?” You widen your eyes as your hands come to his shoulders, a teasing smirk coming to your lips.

“You’ll see.” Jason drops his hand to your waist.

“Oh, you’re not gonna tell me?” You laugh.

“What’s that you always say?” Jason teases. “We don’t always get what we want.” And he says your name, it comes out a little groveled but his voice is teasing.

“Shut up.” You groan.

“Do you trust me?” Jason asks as his hands squeeze your hips softly.

“Of course, I do. You know I do.” You answer.

“Trust me then. I got a plan. I’ll be back out there and proving everyone else wrong.” Jason holds his head with confidence.

You raise a brow at him. “Why do I have a bad feeling about that?” Jason and plans aren’t always a bad combination but he is desperate and hurt right now. You remember the last plan he had when he felt this way.

“Don’t. I got this. Like you said, I’ll be fine.” Jason presses a kiss to your lips.

“Right yeah, you will be.” You let out a sigh and you think it can’t be that bad. He’d tell you. “Okay. You’ll tell me through, right?”

“Of course, you and me.” Jason gives you a wild grin.

He hopes you won’t be mad.

The next day, Jason rents an apartment and sets up to work on making the anti-fear drug. ?You had plans with Molly anyway and that was the perfect excuse for him to get here all by himself to get to work. Plus, Bruce had to go out of town so that's one less person he has to worry about.

He feels guilt gnawing at his stomach like a bad stomach ulcer. But he works anyway. He works through it because this is the only way. And even if he wanted to back out, he already told Crane everything. If he wanted to back out, Crane could use that information against him. But, he doesn’t want to back out anyway, so he pushes the guilt and anxiety away as he puts together a botched drug.

You grow suspicious over the next few days. Jason is making weird and random excuses not to hang out. He’s always trying to get you to hang out more with Molly or for you to head to Excellent Gotham and get to know Tim better. You always need more friends, apparently. Normally, you wouldn’t think too much of it. Or you’d be worried he was distancing himself to leave. But it’s Jason and he’s definitely hiding something, so you follow him one day.

Your phone rings as you hide in the alley beside the building Jason walked into.

“Hello?” You ask.

“Why are you following me?” Jason asks.

He caught onto you following him a few blocks from the apartment he’s been using. He was Robin and a street kid, he knows when someone is following him. And he feels bad about it. For you to follow him, you have to be really worried. He doesn’t track you unless you get kidnapped and you don’t track him on his phone. You don’t follow each other. But you are. And he needs to find a way to assure you.

“I—“ You pause. “I-I’m not following you.” You scoff.

“Yeah, you are.” Jason states as he walks through the opposite end of the alley.

“Why do you think that?” You raise, crossing your arm across your chest.

“I can see you.” Jason answers, pulling the phone away from his ear as you jump, turning around to see Jason.

To be fair, you should have known he'd figure it out. But, you tried to be subtle and keep a far enough distance away from him. You put in a lot of effort. He's just more vigilant than you are, apparently.

“Oh, hey, Jay.” You give him a cheeky smile with a nervous laugh. “Whatcha doing?”

You might be following him. You might be figuring it out a little sooner than he'd personally like. But, he does find it a little cute. And a little amusing you really thought Jason wouldn't figure it out.

“Walking, what’re you doing, babe?” Jason quips, closing the rest of the distance between you.

You sigh in defeat. “Following you.”

Jason lets out a hearty laugh. “No shit. Why?”

“You’ve been…weird, sneaking around. Worried about you.” You groan as you scrunch your nose.

He's really not trying to worry you. He doesn't want you to worry about him anymore. Even if you would be completely against an anti-fear drug, a part of him thinks maybe if he has it, you won't have too many reasons to worry about him anymore. The way Jason sees it, he was always better off with less fear. Maybe the drug helping him, will help you. In a roundabout way.

“You don’t have to worry. I’m just working on something, alright?” He’s giving you that toothy grin that is always trouble.

“Right…that’s not nearly as reassuring as you think it is.” You quip back, the smile falling short.

“It’s a surprise, alright? Don’t worry so much.”

“A surprise?” You raise a brow.

“A surprise.” Jason echoes and it’s not technically a lie. “You said you trust me.”

“I do.” You groan. “I’m sorry. You just never sneak around. It’s weird, even for you.”

You chew the inside of your cheek and maybe you're being paranoid. You've always been a little on the paranoid side, especially since Jerry. And the paranoia decided to come back in full force with the nightmares. Maybe you're just paranoid, more worried about losing him. Things have been good, between you at least, you always get scared when things are good for too long.

Jason puts his hands on your shoulders. “I’m fine, babe. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“Promise?” You ask.

“Promise.” Jason nods.

“Fine.” You sigh, taking his arms off of your shoulders and holding his right hand. “Just…whatever you’re up to, be careful.”

“Always.” Jason beams, pressing a kiss to your cheek. “I’ll see you at home, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay.” You sigh, kissing him softly.

“Love you.” Jason grins, walking past you.

“I love you, too.” You watch him walk off and you really have a bad feeling about this one. But you can’t follow him and you have no reason not to trust him. So, you let him walk as you head back the way you came.

The next day, Jason gets the formula right. He uses an inhaler to take it and every fear he has ever had, melts away. It works. He did it. He got his cure to fear. So, he heads back to Arkham, high on the drug to confirm to Crane he got it despite the shotty formula.

And Crane already had a plan in motion. He had a feeling Jason would figure it out. So, he set up a plan and it’s time for the plan to go into motion so they can make Gotham theirs. Crane needs Jason to prove it works. What better way than to have him face off with the Joker alone? That’ll surely prove it. But, what Jason doesn’t know, is that Crane knows the downside to life without fear. Of course, he does. He’s the expert in it. Crane already has someone on the outside ready to handle it when this does not go the way Jason thinks it will. But is it perfect for Crane, another thing to hold over Jason’s head to control him.

And Jason doesn’t see the motive. So, Crane tells him to go after the Joker to prove it works and prove to the Bat he can do this. Jason doesn’t need Bruce. He can take care of the Joker all by himself. Jason, lacking all apprehension and self-preservation thanks to the drug, agrees easily. He’s not scared of him.

That next night, Jason convinces you to run out to the store. You were talking about needing some supplies for your scrapbook. You're reluctant at first, but decide to go. It’ll be quick. And Jason gets to work tracking the Joker.

But, with Jason at home, something just does not feel right to you. You make it all the way to the store, hoping the feeling will it go away, but it doesn't. So, you decide to call Molly, maybe Molly can talk you down.

“Hey.” Molly chimes through the phone.

“Hey, you busy?” You ask as you sit on the bike outside of the store.

“No, what’s up?”

You pause. It’s eating at you. Jason was weird as fuck last night when he came home and he’s been weird today. Convincing you to go to the store was weird. Him not coming with is also weird. And you have that feeling in the pit of your stomach. You shouldn’t have left.

“You….uh, I don’t know. I think I’m having a bad feeling so I just…need to talk I think.” You shake your head, the helmet weighing on your head a bit.

“What’s going on? Where’s Jason?” Molly asks.

“Home.” You answer. “I went to the store, he didn’t wanna come.”

“Is everything okay with you guys?”

“Yeah, yeah, all good. Not, uh, not what I wanted to talk about actually.”

“What’s going on?”

“Uh…do you…you know when something bad is gonna happen like really bad and you just….get this feeling? Like…right in the center of your stomach?”

You think you're being paranoid. It only happened once when your mom died. But since Jerry, you're always paranoid and the feeling comes back. Sometimes it’s wrong. Sometimes, it’s just you being paranoid. And you know that’s what this has to be because what could possibly happen to Jason at the manor?

“Yeah.” Molly nods her head because it happened with her mom. She just knew. “You have that feeling?”

“Yeah…I don’t know. Sometimes it's wrong. But it just…I don’t know. Feels bad.” You let out a sigh.

“When did it start?”

“Right before I left. Like, I got on the bike and I just….I don’t know. I think I’m gonna go home.” You shake your head and you can go home. You can always come back tomorrow.

“Are you sure? I mean...what if it’s a coincidence? Two’s a coincidence.” Molly tries to assure you.

“Yeah, I know but….what if it’s not? Can you stay on the phone with me while I get back?” You just can’t do it. It’s not a big deal.

“Yeah, of course.” Molly nods her head and you start the bike, taking off back to the manor. “What do you think it is?” Molly asks, mostly to talk you down.

“I don’t know.” You answer. “Jason’s been acting weird lately. I don’t know. I can’t explain it. It’s not….he’s…something’s off with him and I don’t know why I came. He told me to and maybe I listen to him a little too much sometimes. He said he was fine but I don’t know. I got a real bad feeling.” You groan.

“How far are you from the manor?”

“Like twenty minutes.”

“Well, if something is going on, you’re not that far and you haven’t been gone long. He couldn’t have gotten into too much trouble.” Molly tries to assure you but it doesn’t work.

The more you talk, the more paranoid you get. You know Molly is right. He couldn’t have gotten into too much trouble in the last half hour. But you worry anyway.

“Yeah, hey, can you conference him in? Just…give me some piece of mind before I get back.”

“Yeah, of course.” Molly states as she pulls the phone away from her ear and adds Jason to the call. The two of you listen as the phone rings and rings and rings. And then goes to voicemail.

“Fuck.” You let out a scoff as panic starts to flood your system.

“Maybe he’s--”

“No, he’d answer if it were you while I’m out. Call again.” You state and Molly does as told, getting voicemail again. You shake your head and you pull the throttle back, kicking the bike into third.

“Slow down.” Molly urges. “I’m sure he’s fine. Maybe he’s just in the bathroom.” Molly says as she hears the bike rev further.

“He’d answer. I know he would. Double calls. He would because why would you call him twice in a row unless it were important?” You argue.

You're begging for you to be wrong. You hope against everything in your body you're wrong. This one time, you have to be wrong.

“Okay, so what do you think is going on?” Molly asks.

“I don’t know!” You groan. “That’s the problem. I have no idea what’s been going on with him. I followed him a few days ago and he brushed it off. Like it was no big deal but he was sneaking around behind my back. He said he was planning something or some shit. Whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean.”

“You don’t think he’s like cheating--”

“No! Of course, not. He would never. I….” You bite your tongue because Molly doesn’t know about Robin. “I don’t know what the fuck he’s been doing but now he’s not answering. And I got this feeling. Hold on I’m at a stop light.” You groan, quick-dialing Jason as you watch the red light. The two of you listen as it goes to voicemail. And you try again. Voicemail. “Something’s wrong.” You say as the light turns green and you start weaving between cars.

“Because he’s not answering and you have a feeling? You sound paranoid.”

“I know.” You grit your teeth. “But he’d answer for me. I know he would. Especially calling him twice. He’d answer. I just...remember a few weeks ago when he got his ass kicked?”

“Yeah.” Molly wishes she could forget.

“Okay, so what if he went out on his own to try that guy again or something?” You spit, avoiding details about Robin because you're thinking he’s out Robining alone for some sort of spite against Bruce. He’s still mad. And maybe he froze and it got bad.

“Why would he do that?”

“Because he’s Jason.” You let out a breath.

You get back to the manor, switching the call to your phone instead of your helmet. You make your way into the manor and call for Jason. The manor is silent. It’s not even like that’s abnormal. Jason isn’t really loud and neither is Bruce. But, the quiet and lack of Jason answering is eery and unsettling.

You search your rooms and living rooms and kitchens. He’s nowhere to be found and your heart sinks further. So, you go to the Batcave. Hoping maybe, he’s just training. Maybe Molly is right. Maybe he’s just busy. Maybe his phone died and he didn’t realize it. That’s possible. It’s Jason. He isn’t the type that’s glued to his phone. Maybe.

But that hope dies as you reach the Batcomputer, seeing Amusement Mile pulled up with the Joker’s location.

No, no, no, no.

“I’m sure he went out and he’ll be--”

“Fuck!” You yell as you look to the display case. The Robin suit is gone.

Molly calls your name and now she’s worried.

“What a fucking---” You cut yourself off as you grit your teeth. “Molly, I gotta go.”

“Molly yells your name, her voice now completely panicked.

“I can’t. I’m sorry. I’ll call you. I have to call Bruce.” You rush as you hang up, running over to your own display case holding your suit. You rip the case open and grab the suit as you put Bruce on speaker. “Bruce!?” You yell into the phone as you jump around, getting the suit on as fast as you can.

This can’t be happening. The Joker? Of all fucking people, that’s who he decides he’s going to go after to prove himself? Why the hell would he ever do that? You try your best not to focus on the millions of questions you have for him and the fact you're ready to scream at him for the twenty-four hours. You have to focus because it’s the fucking Joker. He’s taken too much from you.

Bruce can hear the absolute panic in your voice. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Jason! I fucking told you! He went after the fucking Joker!” You scream into the phone as you zip the front of your suit and put the mask over your mouth.

“I told him not to.” Bruce says calmly, but a part of him is panicking.

Bruce doesn’t panic but there is no way you would be calling him and telling him this if it weren’t true. Jason knows better. Why would he go after the Joker? On his own?

“Oh, because Jason is so fucking good at following instructions?!” You run over to the weapons once you're completely suited up.

On the one hand, Bruce could send you after him. That’s at least, two against one. But, it’s the Joker. And Bruce knows he’s more ruthless than anyone. It’s a fun game to him like whack-a-mole. And the prize is always bloodshed. He also knows how you feel and if he sends you, not only could you go out and get killed but you could kill him first. That’s a life on Bruce’s conscious.

“Do not go anywhere. I’m on a flight—“

“No! You don’t get to tell me to fucking sit here and hope for the fucking best. He is everything to me and I am not gonna sit here and let him get fucking killed, Bruce!” You seeth and the Joker should have been killed a long fucking time ago. You swear, if the Joker even lays a single finger on him, you’ll do it her damn self. Bruce is too much of a coward of what he could become if he did it. You don’t care. “The Robin suit is gone, the Joker is gonna fucking kill him and it’s all your fault!” You scream as you gather knives.

“Stay put.” Bruce is stern on the other line. “It will be dangerous and you aren’t prepared--”

“No! Fuck you!” You snip back, gathering as many knives as you can carry. “I’m gonna save him, kill the damn Joker since you’re too damn cowardly to do it and then I’m calling Dick.” You fume on the other end. “I’m gonna beg him if I have to to come and bring us back to San Franciso because fucking clearly, he’s worse off here!” You scream before hanging up the phone and heading towards the exit.

It’s not that he’s scared or even feeling uneasy. His head is clouded with a sense of nothing. Everything is just numb as he cuts the chain into the amusement park.

Jason should be scared and there’s a gnawing at the back of his head that is screaming and howling for him to be scared. To turn around. This is a bad idea. This is bad. There are red flashing lights begging him to turn around but that sense of adrenaline that would normally kick in and give him a little bit of common sense and self-preservation is being suppressed. It doesn’t exist. So, the normally loud and blinding lights that have been causing him so much pain over the last few months, aren’t loud enough. They’re useless.

As he walks further into the amusement park, he finds old and run-down games that grab his attention. This is the Joker’s hideout. It’s known. Of course, the maniac clown would like a closed amusement park. And Jason knows he should be hypervigilant. This is the Joker’s turf and he knows the Joker is here. But the drug keeps suppressing that, too.

He knows he should be more aware and more on guard but the drug gives him a false sense of confidence. He can do this. It’s the Joker. He’s just some crazy clown and if Bruce can take him down several times, Jason can do it. Bruce trained him, right? He knows better though. He should be scared and more aware. but then there’s a noise from behind him and he jumps anyway.

His heart skips before plummeting back into a resting rhythm as he spots a dead man with a creepy smile tugged on display. Jason’s eyes widen and there’s this small, tiny bit of fear that seems to bypass the anti-fear drug like a leaky faucet. And Jason starts to hear and see the red flashing lights in the back of his head in perfect color. But the point is that he isn’t supposed to feel fear at all.

Maybe his formula is a little off. How is he feeling any sense of fear? It’s barely there, barely even noticeable but it’s there enough where if he were in a normal state of mind, that alone would send him into a panic. He’d panic about being worried he’s going to panic. And that thought with the mixing of the drug, makes him miss the creeping steps of the Joker from behind him.

With a quick swing, a crowbar connects to Jason’s head and he’s sent right to the ground.

His head throbs and aches, a horrendous and shooting pain sending his head into a spin as his stomach turns. Blood drips down from his forehead, the warm liquid seeping down his cheek as he looks up to see the menacing and sadistic smile of the Joker looking down at him just as he pulls his arm back for another swing.

This swing connects with his jaw and Jason can hear the bone break. Jason’s mouth pools with blood, the taste of iron already becoming more nauseating. He groans out in agony as the Joker takes another hit to his head, his laugh echoing through the park.

His laugh rings through Jason’s ears with every blow and Jason thinks that laugh can penetrate any type of anti-fear drug. His hearing seems to get worse and worse but that laugh could pierce through solid steel. And he’s not supposed to be scared anymore.

But the Joker hits him again and Jason coughs up blood and fear starts to rush into his veins. Maybe it’s the overwhelming amount of adrenaline making the anti-fear drug wear off a lot sooner than it should. Maybe his formula needs to be tweaked. Maybe the anti-fear drug has a side effect, maybe it doesn’t work when he’s on the brink of death. Jason can’t think straight enough to figure it out. Instead, all he thinks is that he has never been more terrified than he is right now.

SMACK

WHACK

CRACK

Jason’s bones break as Joker takes a break from his face and works on his side and then his arms and legs. He swears this is the worst pain he has ever been in. The Joker hits him over and over and over again, the pain getting worse and worse as tears brim his eyes. He claws at the ground in desperation, a failing attempt to move away. But, the bones are being broken one by one and he can feel the shards with every movement. And he is so fucking sorry.

SMACK

He’s so sorry to Bruce because he should have listened. He should have been a better Robin. He should have listened. He’s so sorry he wasn’t better. He’s so sorry he wasn’t a better son. He tried his absolute best but he could have tried harder. Maybe he could have told Bruce what was going on. Maybe he could have told Bruce more about therapy. Maybe he could have explained anything that ever happened with him. Maybe he could have just tried to be a son. He’s so sorry and all he wants to do is tell Bruce he’s sorry. And thank you.

He wants to thank Bruce for trying. For taking him in. Letting him be his son and letting him be Robin. Bruce, in his weird way, cared about him and loved him. He tried even if he sucked at it sometimes. Jason wants to tell Bruce thank you.

SMACK

Jason screams as the crowbar finally shatters one of his ribs. His breathing is becoming ragged as the Joker takes another swing to Jason’s chest. The Robin suit offers a lot of protection but the Joker is relentless. He’s getting off on every scream and groan and gasp Jason lets out. It’s as if the sight of the blood seeping onto the ground and the backswing of splatter gets him off. He’s having the time of his life beating Jason to death. And Jason has never been more scared.

SMACK

He’s so scared and sorry. He’s so fucking sorry to you and he would give anything to tell you that right now. All he wants to do is call you. He wants to take it all back. He wants to go back home and crawl into your bed with you. He wants to hug you and kiss you and promise he’s doing okay and he’ll be okay. And you’ll be okay. He wants to promise you that it’ll all work out in the end, even if he doesn’t make it. He wants to tell you not to be mad or sad because he doesn’t deserve it. You don’t deserve to dwell on his inevitable death.

You both knew it was going to be him. You liked to fool yourself into thinking maybe it would be you but at the end of the day, you both knew it would always be him. Jason always knew it was gonna be him who died first. And he wants nothing more than to promise you it’ll be okay. You’ll be okay. He doesn’t want you to run yourself into the ground over him. But he knows you and he knows as the Joker takes another horrendous and agonizing hit to his skull, you’ll be miserable. This will be it for you. He’s not gonna make it and you're gonna lose your entire mind. You always said you would. And it’s all his fault.

SMACK

CRACK

He wants to shake you and tell you he’s so fucking sorry. He should have just told you what was going on. He should have told you. You would have helped him. You wouldn’t have been mad or yelled at him. Of all people, you would have understood why he went to Crane. You would have gotten it. You always understood him. And he should have told you.

He shouldn’t have lied to you. He’s so fucking sorry. And he’s so sorry for not loving you better, you deserve someone who’s not gonna do this. You deserve someone who’s not gonna get killed and didn’t even stand a damn chance. And he is so sorry he’s going to leave you alone.

He doesn’t think he’s gonna make it.

The Joker's laugh starts to sound further away as he takes another blow to the right side of his face, the crowbar connecting hard and steady against his ear. Then he can’t hear anything from that ear at all as blood starts to drip out. It’s the worst headache of Jason’s life. He can hear his skull cracking under the blows. He feels the blood seeping through his suit and onto the ground. There’s so much blood. He’s lightheaded and dizzy. It’s so hard to breathe.

SMACK

He’s not gonna make it.

And he finds himself, hoping against all odds, that someone will find him soon anyway. Maybe help will come just in time. Bruce is supposed to be the world’s greatest detective. Jason is his son. He’d figure it out. Maybe he already did and he’s actually close. Maybe he lied to Jason and he’s actually in Gotham and on his way. And maybe, you figured it out.

You're smart. You can fight off the Joker enough to get you both to safety. You were trained by Jason, Dick, Bruce. Jason believes you could do it. Maybe you're on your way. You're smart. You know Jason better than anyone. You’ll figure it out. You always figure it out. Maybe help is coming.

SMACK

Everything goes black for just a few seconds and then it’s blurry and shifted. He can’t see out of his right eye. Jason doesn’t know what’s going on as the Joker takes another smack. His laugh is just a reverberation now. The only sound he can even hear is the cracking of bones. Nothing else. And he doesn’t think he can breathe real well. He can’t move his jaw. He can’t even find the strength to try to move anymore. It all hurts and there’s so much blood.

Jason silently begs for the help he doesn’t realize will be too late just as the Joker takes a larger and harder blow to the front of his face.

He doesn’t think he’s gonna be able to hold on.

You drive to the abandoned carnival, coming up on one of the gates. Jason’s bike and helmet are right outside and the chain to the gate has been cut. You know. You know this isn’t good. It’s completely silent and you are terrified.

Silence can’t be good and a part of you hopes that maybe the Joker wants to play with Bruce. Maybe the Joker wants to kill Jason in front of him, to taunt him, that’ll give you some time to have a plan and get you both out of there, maybe. Or Bruce could make it in time to save you both.

But you creep around the grounds, cautiously but quickly. You're paying close attention to your head, making sure you don’t miss it if the throbbing you're certain will start. But, it doesn’t. Instead, you reach an open tunnel with carnival games and there’s someone lying on the ground.

It’s dark and despite you knowing damn well if it were the Joker on the ground, Jason would be over him bragging and cheering for himself, you hope it’s the Joker anyway. You hope against everything that the person laying on the ground is the Joker.

The closer you get though, the more you get the picture of the yellow and black cape.

Jason.

“No…” Your lip quivers as you pause. You're terrified to get any closer. It can’t be Jason. It can’t be. It can’t be. It can’t be. He’s strong and smart. He knows better. “No, no, no, no…” Your voice cracks as you start to walk closer and you can see him now.

There’s blood everywhere. He’s laying in a puddle of red and there’s blood splatter on the ground and the games. A bloody crowbar is tossed to the side and Jason is completely still. Your heart is in your throat as you close the distance, dropping to your knees.

“Jay…” Your voice is a whimpered whisper as you put your hand on his shoulder, pulling him to face you.

His body is completely limp and as he turns, you get the gruesome sight of what the Joker has done.

Jason’s face is mangled and unidentifiable. You can see his teeth through his jaw while there’s blood and bruising around the other side of his face. His face is swollen and paler than usual. There’s blood smeared across his face and on his lips. Some of his hair is wet with blood and sticking to his forehead. And his eyes are closed, not even trying to open.

Your heart shatters in that instant. The weight of the world has been on your shoulders for years and with the sight of his body, the world finally falls. It tumbles around you, breaking into unfixable pieces. The foundation keeping you steady is lifeless and cold and bloody.

Your lip quivers as tears start to trickle down your cheeks. Everything around you feels heavy and cold. The lump in your throat is so big and hard, you swear it’ll suffocate you finally and you’ll finally be out of this misery. The reaper creeps back from the shadow of your head, a smile similar to Joker’s shining back at you and he’s finally won. He won in a way you never thought he would.

Killing the last good parts of you, by killing him.

“Jason…” You whimper, one of your hands hesitantly going to his neck to check for a pulse. Nothing. There’s no pulse, just cold skin under the blood. “No…” You whine, tears now blurring your vision. You lean down, trying to hear him breathe and there’s nothing. He’s completely still. No breathing. Nothing. Just lifeless. “Jay, please, you can’t die.” You let out a sob, pulling Jason’s body into your lap. “I love you. You can’t die. I need you.” Your words are slurred as your nose runs and the cries grow louder.

You sob, rocking back and forth. You knew it would happen. You knew. And you should have known Jason was up to something when he didn’t go with you today. You should have known. He can’t be dead.

You swallow the lump in your throat, moving to rest Jason’s head flat on the ground while you pull out your phone, hands covered in blood. You call Bruce, putting the phone on speaker and then you start CPR. You swear it’ll be useless but you have to try anyway.

You swore every single day that you would never give up on him. And CPR isn’t going to help, but fuck it, you're not going to give up. So, you try anyway. You have to fucking try.

“Did you find him?” Bruce asks as soon as he answers.

Those words get you to let out another cry, your arms shaking as you push down on Jason’s chest. “Bruce!” You scream as your arms tremble.

Everything stops for Bruce. Pain shoots through his heart like a barbed wire arrow. He knows. He knows that cry because he’s let it out himself all those years ago. He’s heard other people. Babs. Dick. He knows and yet, it can’t be true. Not his son.

“What happened?” Bruce shakes his head, using all of his willpower not to let his voice shake.

“What do I do?” You cry, your cries are loud but there’s a weakness in your voice. “He’s not breathing and the Joker beat him with a fucking crowbar! Bruce, what do I do?” You beg Bruce to help. Your voice is slurred and panicked, pleading with all of the energy in you. He’s fucking Batman, he has to help. “What do I do? He’s not breathing. There’s so much blood, Bruce, help, please. You have to save him. Help me save him, please. Bruce, I can’t lose him, I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t.” You keep pumping on Jason’s chest but you swear it’s not working and not just because the Robin suit is so sturdy you're barely getting a compression in. You beg him and beg him, as if your pleas are enough to bring Jason back.

“I’ll send someone, keep doing CPR.” Bruce instructs with a square jaw.

“Bruce, I don’t…..I don’t think it’s helping.” You wail and you can’t breathe. It’s so hard to breathe. “I don’t think…..Bruce….” You let out a cough as your elbows shake and you're losing rhythm of the chest compressions.

“Keep going, don’t stop until they get there. I’m landing soon.” Bruce instructs and he never should have gone. He should have seen it. How the hell did he miss this?

“There’s so much blood…Bruce.”

Barbara Gordon and a few trusted people close to Bruce show up first. They find you still trying to perform CPR. You're slower now, and you're not getting the impact you need to make a difference. Your arms are weak and you're nearly hyperventilating and choking on your own tears.

The paramedics try their best to get you off of him but you scream and yell and cry for them to get off of you. You shove them off of you and you try and try and try. Bruce is still on the phone, telling you to let them do their job but you can’t. You can’t do it. You can’t because then you give up. You can’t give up on him. Not him.

“Hey.” Barabra wheels over a few feet away from you and she gets a look at the damage as her stomach turns and she knows he’s gone. “You need to stop.” Her voice is calm as she tries to keep it together.

“No!” You scream and you feel too weak to deal with any of it. He was your everything. “I can’t.”

The paramedics look at Babraba waiting to be told what to do and they know, too. His face is completely destroyed. He’s unrecognizable. The only reason Barabra even knows it’s Jason is because of the Robin suit. There’s brain matter on the ground. There’s more blood on the ground than there is in his body.

“Bluejay.” Barbara calls again, her voice cracking and this gets you to look at her. Even in the dark, Babara can see the redness of your eyes and the tears shining on the top half of your cheek above your mask. “He’s gone.” Babraba’s eyes go misty and you shake your head.

“No…” You whine and you finally stop but your hands stay on his chest. “No, not…no.” You let out a sob and you can’t even see Barbara anymore, the tears have blurred everything together. “I can’t.” You fall back, one of the paramedics catching you so you don’t hit the pavement too hard. The other paramedic jumps in and to Jason, just to be completely positive.

You shove the paramedic off of you and walk the few feet weakly to Barbara. “I-I…what--” You suck in a harsh breath, your breathing so rapid you feel like you're going to pass out.

“Sit down.” Barbara tries to keep her composure and you collapse with a loud sob, your entire chest feeling like it’s been set on fire with gasoline.

It can’t be him. Why him? He was good. He was a good person and funny and smart and kind. Jason had a heart of gold. Why did it have to be him? It never should have been him. He always deserved so much better. He never deserved this. This isn’t fair. It’s not right and it’s so fucking painful you wish the ground would just open up and swallow you whole.

“Babs!” You scream. “I-I-I don’t I don’t wanna do it anymore.” Your teeth grit together as your words are wet and slurred.

You can’t breathe. You can’t breathe. It’s hard to breathe and your chest feels like it’s all caving in under the pressure. Maybe putting your heart in a pressure cooker would be less painful than this. Everything fucking hurts.

Barbara rests a hand on your shoulder and she knew Jason was reckless but she didn’t think he’d ever actually get himself killed. He was smart. Smarter than this. You cover your face with your hands, not caring you're covered in Jason’s blood. You just want everything to stop. The pain and the world and time and everything. You want it all to be over.

“I’m so sorry.” Barbara offers and there is nothing she can say that’s going to make this better.

“I can’t.” You spit and push Barabra’s hand off you before getting to your feet.

You push through the pain, running away. Barbara yells after you but you do not care. You make yourself run through the pain and the weakness. If you can do anything, it’s run from it. You want to run as far as your legs will let you. To the bike where you can speed away from it all. Speed so fast the pain goes away. The agony will fade if you run. You can do it. You tell yourself you can as tears fall down your face. You toss the helmet on and hop on the bike, and leave. You've always been good at running. You can run from it.

You're in the bathroom back at the manor, scrubbing the blood off of your hands through tears. Everything is blurry and painful. It’s burning and agonizing and stabbing. It aches and throbs. Breathing is the hardest thing you've ever done. You try to get in a full breath but every time you do, a sob immediately follows and it’s like the wind is knocked out from your lungs all over again. Your head is spinning with a throbbing headache and your eyes are so puffy you can barely open them. But, there’s blood staining your hands, Jason’s blood, and you have to get it off. You have to get it off.

Get it off. Get it off. Get it off.

You grit your teeth so hard that your jaw starts to pulse and you hate it. You hate this so much. You hate it and you want him back. You need him. He is everything to you. He is your everything. He is your best friend and you love him more than you've ever loved anyone. And he’s supposed to take care of you and you're supposed to take care of him. And it’s not fair and it’s senseless and it was brutal and you scream at the top of your lungs before falling to the floor. You lean against the counter, pulling your legs to your chest as you put your hands on your face because you can’t do this anymore

You talked about what life you could have together. And you swear you saw it. For the first time, you were optimistic about a future. Because you had him. He gave you all of this hope for the future because Jason could survive anything. He was supposed to survive anything. He was good at it. Dodging whatever fucked up shit the world was going to throw at him. And now he’s not. He didn’t dodge fast enough. And you were supposed to have an apartment one day together. And make dinner together. And have a dog and a cat because Jason always really liked cats. He’d come home and you’d clean up the blood and he’d do the same for you when patrol got a little messy. You were supposed to have a life together.

You don’t know how you're supposed to get up again after this.

And then Molly walks in.

She’s been crying since Bruce called her and asked her to check on you. He’s worried about what you might do and seeing you on the floor absolutely hysterical, she knows why. Of course, she knew it would be bad. Her best friend just lost the person she loves. Of course, you're going to be a mess but….you're covered in blood and Bruce didn’t tell her what happened. And on top of that, you still have the suit on, minus the mask, which is another surprise Molly did not expect to get today.

Molly says your name with hesitance as she walks in, sitting on the floor in front of you.

You look up, moving your hands. “M-Molly.” You whine, your bottom lip trembling, the hood of your suit barely lets Molly get a glimpse of your face that’s covered in blood as well.

Molly nods. “Bruce called.” Her voice is just above a whisper.

“He….Molly…h-h-he…d-di-died..” You let out a sob as you shake your head and you just want it to be done. You're so fucking tired.

“I know.” Molly lets out a soft cry, sniffling softly.

“H-he’s dead.” Your entire body jerks with another cry as you hang your head. You're so fucking tired. Tired of all of it.

“I know.” Molly closes the distance between you, pulling you into a hug and allowing you to completely break against her. And then Molly starts crying because Jason was her best friend, too. “I’m so sorry.” Molly manages to get out.

“I can’t do it.” Your voice is weak against her.

“Can’t what?” Molly pulls away, her hands still on your shoulders as if trying to stabilize you.

Any of it. You can’t do any of it. You're covered in his blood and it all hurts. You're weak and tired and exhausted. It’s all agonizing and paralyzing and numb. It’s all too much. And you just cannot do any of it anymore.

“Blood and…” Your breathing is labored, your head swaying slightly. And you're so lightheaded and nauseous. “Do this.”

“One thing at a time.” Molly stands up and grabs a wash rag, wetting it with soap and water. Molly can break later. You need help. “Let me see.” You hand your hand to Molly and Molly starts cleaning.

Molly expects to find some sort of wound but she finds nothing. The more she scrubs, the more blood comes off and it’s just your skin under it. And she shakes her head because what the fuck happened to Jason that got you covered in his blood? A part of her almost doesn’t want to know. But, she has to ask anyway. Bruce was a little vague. So, after a few minutes, with your cries becoming quieter, Molly decides to ask.

“C-can I ask you what happened?” Molly is seeing that you're actually one of the suited vigilantes that roam Gotham so she’s guessing something with a bad guy went a little south.

And you don’t care anymore. None of it matters anymore. Jason is dead. It’s not his secret anymore. You're in your suit anyway and Bruce isn’t home. You're all alone anyway.

“Joker beat him to death with a crowbar.” You answer plainly Molly feels her stomach turn.

“What?” Molly’s heart stops in her chest.

You nod as you sniffle, watching Molly clean the remainder of Jason’s blood from your hands. “He was Robin.” Your voice is hoarse as you talk.

Molly pauses, blinking at you and she’s so confused. And this whole thing is growing more and more unsettling. Maybe she shouldn’t have asked.

“He…Jason was Robin?”

You nod again, sniffling. “Yeah.”

“You found him?” Molly asks. Why did you have to find him? Of all people, it just had to be you. Of course, it was you.

“Yeah.” More tears start to fall from your eyes and you can see him every time you blink. That’s going to be your last memory of him and it hurts so fucking bad you want to leave.

“I’m…I’m sorry. Is this all his?” Molly’s voice grows a little panicked. She can’t even imagine the sight you walked in on.

“There was a lot of blood. The head bleeds a lot.” You clear your throat before you sniffle again.

Molly is terrified you're going to start giving her gory details. Not on purpose but because you're too tired to care. The crying is slowing down and that always means you will talk. You stop caring and then you talk. Molly doesn’t want to know and you don’t need to relive the horror verbally.

“Okay, um…okay you stay here. I’m gonna get you some clothes.” Molly stands up quickly.

“C-can you…Jsaon’s room, there’s a…maroon hoodie. It was his favorite.” You look up at her as Molly heads to the doorway.

“Yeah, I’ll be back.” Molly nods quickly.

You let out another cry and you don’t think you’ll be able to survive this one. It’s too heavy. It’s too much. There’s only so much one person can take. And you swear as you shiver on the bathroom door with broken sobs tearing up your throat that Jason Todd was your breaking point. Jason Todd is dead and you swear you’ll never recover.

prev. chapter | next chapter

series masterlist | masterlist | tag list

A/n: So, this is what Jason looks like in his death scene and he looks scared. Which, is probably a plothole because Titans (or them trying to throw us off since it's episode 1 ?? idk) but I decided I was just gonna use that anyway for fun lol Also fun fact, I was originally not going to include his death scene since we saw it in the show but then I rewatched UTRH and was encouraged by my best friend to make it worse so I did. And I'm really glad I included it lol I'm sorry but I really like how it turned out lol

Tag list: @fairyofshampoo // @italiana-20 // @jasontoddsmentaldisorders // @purplerose291 // @lovelessamai  // @makaelaseresin // @lenidaslenchen // @mayfieldss  // @ghostkingblake // @im-done-with-this-im-out // @velvetskies // @lilylovelyxo // @cryinghotmess // @yesimwriting // @vivian-555 // @stainedstardom // @baebeepeach // @legend-o-zelda // @harleycao // @somehow-lovable-trash  // @xx-all-purpose-nerd-xx // @deyja-the-duck // @jasontoddslover //  @captainmarvels-blog // @totallynotkaibiased // @scarlovesyou // @whydoyoucare866 // @littlemeowmeow1000

[aydaptic]

Sorry if you've already answered this before but I'm new to the fandom and I found your account through your web-comic and I was wondering what is it about Gavin that you like so much? Why is he one of your favourite characters in dbh? (I've noticed that he isn't much of a fan-favourite in this fandom 😔)

This'll be a long post, but you asked (...and I'll happily answer!) I'll add some descriptions for context. At the top of my head, I can think of 21 reasons why I like his canon equivalent.

1. He's charismatic

Gav gives off an energy that makes it easy to hang onto his every word. I can quote all his lines by heart and I like listening to Neil Newbon (in this specific role) talk. I remember some of Kamski's lines as well -- also mo-capped/voice acted by Newbon -- but Kamski doesn't have nearly as much charisma as Gav does.

2. He's expressive

Ppl who 'talk with their hands' are more charismatic. Gav is all over the place in the break room if you stick around. Hand gestures capture people's attention as they emphasize what is being said.

3. He doesn't think androids are alive (...so in his eyes, the way he treats them isn't wrong)

"Could always try roughin' it up a little. After all... it's not human." - Gavin Reed, The Interrogation

That means he wouldn't rough up a human suspect. This alone justifies his unpleasant attitude towards androids. Hank -- who treated Connor way worse than Gav ever did -- changed his mind. Nothing says Gav can't do the same.

If Alexa suddenly said she was alive, the vast majority wouldn't take it seriously (if any at all.)

4. He's sarcastic

"Congratulations on last night, very impressive." - Gavin Reed, Waiting For Hank...

5. He has dark humor

6. He looks down on people that pay for s*x

Quote above. You don't call someone a "pervert" if you agree with their actions. The Eden Club, in particular, is immoral AF... bc those androids don't have a choice. Gav doesn't care about them being androids, but he still looks down on the guy who paid money to get laid, and I applaud Gav for that. Especially when said guy also had a wife and kids.

7. He has valid concerns about androids taking jobs

Anyone who says differently is either in denial, uninformed, or never had a job they were scared to get fired from. There's already been an uproar about ChatGPT and that's nothing compared to how advanced Detroit: Become Human androids are. The unemployment rate in this game is 37% -- higher than it was during the Great Depression and C*VID -- and androids are the main cause.

I've seen a lot of ppl ask this question:

Q: Why not just buy an android and have them do your job for you, then? You get the money anyway bc it's your android!

A: Bc, believe it or not, the vast majority of men want to work. This is a strange concept to grasp for a lot of ppl. I admire Gav for being one of those men who wants to do it themselves. Letting someone else do your job is taking the easy way out.

8. He's a hard worker

Gallery: "...Ruthlessly ambitious, Reed will do anything to advance his career, even if it means treading on other peoples’ toes."

9. He's ambitious

See the quote above.

10. He doesn't sleep well

This isn't just a headcanon. He has literal bags under his eyes. Just knowing he doesn't sleep well already has me asking, "why?" It's interesting.

11. He puts his feet on the table

After Connor interacts with him in the break room, Gav will go to his desk and do this. I'll go into detail about why this contributes to my liking his character in the very last point.

12. He calls Hank out on his alcoholism

As much as most of us love Hank, he's not in a good space mentally. Showing up drunk/hungover to work should not be tolerated. It not only puts coworkers, but also civilians, at risk. Hank should be in therapy instead of working at the DPD until he gets his life sorted out.

13. He calls Fowler out for giving Hank special treatment

"You won't get away with it this time." - Gavin Reed, The Interrogation (after Hank pulls a literal gun on a human coworker AKA Gav)

So Gav has brought it up to Fowler before and is about to do it again. Ties into the point above. What Hank does -- like assaulting a literal FBI agent -- shouldn't be tolerated.

14. He's a control freak

I gravitate towards ppl and characters who take charge. Those who like being in control and know what they're doing. I'm a control freak myself, but I'd prefer to let someone else take the reins as long as I agree with their methods. I like it when ppl know what they want and act on it. Gav does both.

15. He's protective of his coworkers

I was unsure whether or not to add this as I guess it can be seen as a subjective theory and not an objective fact.

Gav only ever steps in with the gun in The Interrogation when Con uses aggressive force on Chris Miller by tearing him away from the deviant. Con did this after disobeying Gav 3 times. So yeah. Gav is justified for stepping in. Hank, on the other hand, isn't justified for pulling a gun on a human coworker. I see this scene as Gav protecting Chris from Con who is showing signs of deviancy.

16. He can't wink

Endearing.

17. He pouts a lot

Again, endearing.

18. He swears like a sneezing kitten

Same as the two points above.

19. He doesn't like Connor

I don't like Con, either. Yeah. We exist. Personality types like Con's "let's be friends" attitude and constant positivity pisses me off. Before anyone comments that the player decides Con's personality... no. Only to an extent. There are several instances where the player has no say whatsoever. Some of Con's pre-determined responses annoy me.

20. He has great fashion

Big fan of leather jackets.

21. I like him bc I'm a narcissist at times

He's essentially the male equivalent of me to the T. I'm only an asshole internally, though. We love (or hate) characters we relate to. I relate to every single point except 17 and 18 on this list.

There you go :)

His OOC fanon equivalent has a huge fanbase -- especially on Twitter/X and Tumblr turning him into a blushing teenage girl -- but it seems like I'm the only person who can't stand that OOC portrayal of him. That said, I adore his canon equivalent in all his asshole glory.

[smimon]

Something something hope confirmed something something I had no faith but kept going only to succeed in the most unexpected moment something something I was about to continue anyway but if I lose both the faith and the hope in the future, I should remember this one time it worked

This is a post about my creative process and it is very personal to me but it might be difficult to understand because I am not good with words and it is basically the very point here

So yeah many of the comics I make come from my need to communicate certain messages, and I am very bad at communication so it usually doesn't work.

I look at the "failed" stories and save them for later, hoping to perfect them when I have more skill, but in the meantime I recycle the same motif in a new story.

New fandom, new characters, new setting, new tone, new genre, same heart, same me.

And I keep adding them, rows of iterations of the same message dressed in new clothes like character skins in video games. And I keep thinking: I will return to you all and complete you all in the future, and this way my message will be heard, it will be heard in many voices until it maybe gets to someone.

Then something unexpected happened with giant K series. I explained it somewhere, this series is based on a kind of motif I have been using for years, every few years a new retelling, new layout, new skin, but at core always the same.

(How to explain it? It is a silly comedy series, but at the same time it can be a reflection of a strained mind, silenced heart, confused soul. I don't have the right words yet.)

And this time, for the first time ever, it worked. I managed to start posting it, I managed to complete the plot, I managed to make it consistent, whole, harmonic.

And I almost dropped the series soon after it started, ready to put it among its ancestors to wait forever for a revival. But a friend encouraged me to keep going, and after The Post I managed to regain faith in it myself. And then, just recently, I realized that I did in fact manage to tell the story. I alreay told it. This did not change much in the world, but it changed a lot in myself.

And I started to think that maybe I couldn't complete the message before because I didn't have the right material, not enough building bricks that could fit together to form the shape of my thought. And maybe I will never get to complete the other variants of this motif, because the tools I have used constructing them were not the right ones. It was always trial and error, and I am lucky to have somehow landed a way that worked.

(I can still use the plots built around the older takes to tell stories to entertain so it's not like they are useless or something. Also I love them dearly and will never leave them)

I don't know, I am just so happy this lil series got to exist, and that it brings people joy. It brings something else to me too, something I cannot exactly express with words. I might make another comic about it one day lol

[renaultmograine]

fathers and the fandom's thoughts on them

[clasps hands] ok!

as a preface: all lore is just interpretations, death of the author, what i assert as fact is just my interpretation of lore, all of that.

That said! I think there's been some ignorantly made interpretations, because there are assertions being made that I cannot believe are made in good faith if you've read the comics. And I don't think (or rather, hope) that the people making these assertions are malicious, but I do feel like I need to go and share lore to make sure people get the full picture of what's going on.

There's been multiple posts about how Varian is a bad father and that Anduin didn't know what love from his father felt like growing up, and I'm just completely and utterly baffled by that assertion. I don't know where this came from, other than maybe the Sylvanas book, where Anduin (or Golden) just lies and says that Anduin and Varian weren't close, but that hasn't been the lore for well over a decade. So here's like forty fucking panels from the comics.

Remember when Tiffin died in the riots? That was because Onyxia so she could fuck Varian. She was waiting for him to get over his grief before pouncing, intending on mind controlling him, but as Varian got over his grief and put his focus into his son, he fought off Onyxia's control. That was the reason why Onyxia split him apart in the first place.

The WHOLE reason Lo'gosh even remembers who he was is because he had a vision where Anduin needed him.

During this time, with the other half of Varian, Anduin is perceptive enough to know something is going on with is father, who is now shirking his duties in favor of cozying up with Katrana, and is literally plotting with Bolvar and Magni over it

but also, believe it or not, the comic shows varian and anduin spending time together

Does this seem like Varian not loving his son, when Onyxia has to kill Anduin to get anywhere with Varian? And let me bring up these panels where Anduin falls off his horse and Varian throws himself off a cliff to catch his son again

I don't want to beat a dead horse here but this isn't "I don't love my child" behavior. Should I just keep posting panels?

Like, yeah, cataclysm was a rough time for Anduin and Varian, when Anduin was branching out and having his own life and Varian wasn't exactly prepared for it, but also Varian almost killed Moira because he thought Anduin's life was slightly imperiled because of her. The whole idea that Varian didn't love Anduin until MoP is so fantastical it's ridiculous. I could get into a deeper dissertation on all of this, but honestly I don't think that's needed.

But it's not as ridiculous as the other assertion I saw, which was that Alexandros was a good father? I keep seeing this in regard to Varian and Genn both, and I need to remind people that Alexandros was co-dependent on his youngest son in a poor effort to cope with his wife's death, and took out his anger on his older son repeatedly, to the point of physical violence.

There's a lot of ways to describe Alexandros, but "a better father than Varian and Genn" when a dreadlord had to intervene to make sure there wasn't a domestic incident in the middle of the Silver Hand camp is a bit disingenuous.

Anyway don't take this as me vaguing or anything, this is a take I've seen multiple times from multiple sources over the course of months, and it drives me up the wall. I love Alexandros, but he's the worst fucking man ever, do NOT say he's a better father than Varian and Genn. If Alexandros was a good father, Lordaeron would've been recovered before WoW, and that's that on that.

[xiv-wolfram]

Masking - Comic Script

Prequel - Age 16

A look into Wolfram's life as a teenager and interactions with his family. I'm hoping people get the many subtexts in this one cuz I'm tired of thought bubbles. 😂

Wolfram Saga Comics

This is the script for a future comic. Posting for those who don’t want to wait to get the story. Numbers indicate frame number.

Teenage Wolfram and Klaus walking around the ruins of Schism. Wolf looking unamused. Klaus talking excitedly “- and her parents taught her to weave! You should have seen her shawl. The embroidery was -” Note - ‘Wolfram Age 16 Burdened Eldest Brother’ ‘Klaus Age 15 Carefree Younger Brother’

Wolf annoyed “*Really?!* Are girls all you think about these days? The business is failing, that bastard king destroyed the very place we walk, there are rumors of Garleans at the Western borders, our sister's run off again, and your mind travels to the new neighbor?”

A) Klaus frowns “Come now, Wolf. It's not as if there's anything I can do about those other things.” B) Wolf looks over, hurt frown “You could show others how angry I know you are so I'm not alone.”

Klaus smiles sadly and puts a hand on Wolf’s back in comfort “What's the point in showing anger? If this is really about Grandpa, I miss him too. I wasn't there, but there was nothing you could have done for him.” Wolf sighs in defeat “Funny, I'm the one with the gift, but it's as if you're reading me. It was his time. I know I couldn't save him…my mind knows anyroad.”

A) Klaus smiles “Well have your mind tell your body to stop moping about and sleeping all day, yeah?” B) Wolf embarrassed, defensive “I'm just tired is all. I have to work more than you since I'm not worth teaching. Worry about your studies, not me.”

A) Wolf smiles, deflecting “Anyroad, tell me about the Roegadyn girl.” Thought ‘Perhaps if I smile enough they'll all stop asking if I'm okay.’ B) Klaus beams “Ah! Well she's sooo tall and pretty. I saw her light a torch and she didn't even need a ladder!”

Wolf laughs “Really?! That's what you're into? A gal who can tower over you?” Klaus smug “Nothing wrong with appreciating someone for their strengths… in her case both figurative and literal.”

A) Klaus smiles encouragingly - "You'll understand when you have a girlfriend." B) Wolf smirks, chuckling - "I don't want a girlfriend."

Klaus elbows him, laughing - "Or a boyfriend. You know what I meant." Wolf scoffs - "I don't want one of those either. Everyone around here is so boring."

A) Klaus pouts - "Well I think Falling Blossom is interesting." B) Wolf smirks - "I'm sure she is. Good luck with your courting or whatever." Thought ‘Sounds perfectly normal - boring.’

A) Klaus looks off, stars in eyes "I bet she’d have to pick me up to kiss.” B) Wolf snorts “I wouldn't suggest saying that to her. Compliment her actions - the things she got to choose.”

Klaus glances at Wolf curiously "What do you know about woo-ing women? Have you even kissed anyone yet?"

A) Wolf scoffs matter-of-factly "No. If everyone around here is boring why would I want to kiss them?" B) Klaus confused "Well, you know…because they're pretty? Or handsome. Whatever."

Wolf shrugs “A person simply having good looks doesn't make me interested. If you have an idea to change that I'd hear it. Dad’s already said he's worried about me…and then told me a bunch of other things I have no use for.”

Klaus ponders "You're just… odd. Maybe it works in reverse for you? If you kiss someone first you'll start to like them? What about trying with inn guests? There are often travelers our age and it won't be awkward since they’ll leave.”

Wolf ponders "Worth a try. I suppose it makes sense… I didn't like mushrooms until you snuck them into those flatbread the other day." Klaus chuckles "Aye, it's exactly like that."

Zoomed out shot as they're almost to the main area. Off camera shriek. They run.

Young girl facing a large Spector. 

She dodges an attack.

A) Little fist colliding with the Spector’s face. B) Spector fading .

Ana smirks proudly “That arsehole snuck up on me while I was playing with its friend. Coward. So, is dinner ready then?” Note - 'Ana - Age 9 - Rowdy Little Sister'

Klaus chuckles, a hand on his chakram belt. “Language, miss.” Wolf holding his sword, looking serious. He was just ready for battle. “Hells, let's get out of here. Your cry will have drawn more. Without magic we won't be able to fight them all.”

Wolf picks Ana up, looking at her in amusement - “I'm not sure this is what Mum meant when she was explaining the importance of the spirits here finding rest.” Ana grinning “I'm quicker than waiting on some ol’ geezer to light incense or what-have-you.”

Wolf walking out giving Ana a piggyback ride. Klaus dusting off her shoulder, smiling - “So, warrior priestess, after dinner I'll read you an extra story while Wolf does the dishes if you promise not to tell our parents we let you fight the dead.” Ana grins “I want a story from Wolfie! He makes them up just for me!” Wolf grins “Fine, but no more gladiator stories. I'm clearly being a bad influence.” Thought ‘Gods, I just want to sleep.’

Wolfram Saga Comics

[dangerous-advantage]

(yagi-no-eda here~)

Totally would circle back /pos. I’m also pretty new to the fandom!

My wife has liked Usagi Yojimbo and associated stuff for years but it’s only this summer that my brain has allowed me to really get into it, and make it past the first 2-3 comics. Not for lack of trying - it was just never the right time in an ADHD way*. Something always would distract me. I’ve inhaled all the comics I can in just the last couple of months and yeah, Stan came at me with a steel chair too. I did not expect …this whole situation. I’ve been a fandom lurker since 1999 and yet suddenly I have blog I use near daily, a sketchbook, and bunch of fic WIPS...

Mainly because I am Unwell over UY.

I have accepted my fate. This is always going to be a Thing now.

Though I did admittedly also inhale TMNT 2003 and Rise.

Travels with Jotaro is one of my favourite volumes, but I’m also weirdly into Bridge of Death rn and just….in general having a moment over Usagi’s time with Mifune. To the point I’m doodling intros for a fake show called The Mifune Years. He had this whole expected future and friends - denied.

* to be fair this is also the summer I found out its def ADHD driving this media analysis machine I call a brain

Hope this was an okay way to get back to you! /lil anxious

Feel free to network (or share thoughts) in my tags anytime, I love hearing what other people think. Also happy to chat anytime. Or feel free to tell me to back off and that's chill too :)

(been waiting to answer this for when i had more time but gave in; should be working on my fic(s) but you know how it is lmao. stay tuned for a very long post, because i love talking about things with people, especially things i like haha

very cool to see another person very passionate about this series! i grew up on 2003 (and the 90's movies-- my parents had the third one on cassette and i remember i wore that fucker out lmao) but it was always more of a "scattered interest" rather than something i was fully pulled into

i started getting into rise (read: The Algorithm came for me) probably mid-July of last year, but didn't fully fall into it until after the movie came out. it renewed my interest in tmnt overall, and i've been here ever since!

i did attempt to watch the usagi chronicles a couple of times, and i remember thinking they were fun but not really my thing. (i definitely want to revisit it, even though i know it won't hold a candle to usagi yojimbo. it does look fun in a silly way, which i can get behind.)

i knew vaguely about how big usagi yojimbo was, and that it was a commitment, but i'm surprised how quickly it sucked me in. i've never been super interested in stuff within the genre, but damn if it doesn't satisfy the autism. entire chapters devoted to infodumping about the edo period of japan? sign me the fuck up!

i especially did not expect how much it would make me feel. like. wow. ouch. usagi is just Some Guy but he is also so well characterized and you really feel for his internal conflict, 10/10.

i've been looking for series with older protagonists, especially those more focused on the familial/platonic aspect rather than romantic (i am just an nd queer on the interweb, can you blame me for yearning for found family?), but hadn't found any i really liked other than the tarot sequence by kd edwards (very good read, would highly recommend.)

also not to be a nerd but ohhhh my god i am so obsessed with the plot with mifune.

like i know the series takes place after that, and after the fallout of that, but just. wow. imagine devoting your entire being to another, to the point where you would readily die for them and their word, and then they die. they die, and you did everything you could to honor them in that death, but they're still gone.

like... that emptiness stays with you. you don't just get over that. maybe it's the "being raised in a cult" but wow, do i empathize with that.

idk if we explore more about the fallout/exact history with mifune/immediately following mifune's death but there is so much writing potential there. if i was not embroiled within turtle hell and 50,000 words deep in a multi-chapter fic already, i would absolutely write something for it.

like. this is adjacent to your interest in the topic, but can you just imagine (/rhetorical /general you.) as far as we know, he spent five days on the battlefield before he made it out to the tangled skein.

(which is one of my favorite additions like good god holy shit. that is so cool and angsty. your lord, days after dying, appears as a fucking ghost and saves you. like, if i were to be silly and funky, i would absolutely headcanon that as the reason that he was able to stand up and continue on. because i mean... what else? what else could motivate you to stand up once more after something like that?)

(well. honor. but mifune is the physical manifestation of honor in the narrative, so same difference? it's like both thematically significant and emotionally significant and-- ok im shutting up now. but i could talk for days, istg.)

but like. how do you reconstruct yourself from that? we see him holding tight to this sense of honor, even after his lord is gone, sent reeling (adrift in the waves) with only his soul and moral compass to hold to.

which makes it hurt so much more when we see these ideals of honor-- this ghost of a man, of a life, still haunting him years after the event-- still woven through the narrative, made to specifically conflict his deepest wants.

i joke about it a lot on my fic discord (i have a whole channel called 'father-material' devoted to just pictures of him hanging out with/taking care of kids), but something that seems very important to him is wanting to be a father figure, and wanting these connections to family and friends.

but that is contrasted against these ideas of honor, the very thing he built and rebuilt his foundation off of after it was torn away from him. and it's just so incredibly painful but also it makes sense, because he can't just give up the side of himself that is a samurai. too much of his person, his characterization, is built off of this.

to see it constantly clash with this want to settle down and finally rest, devote himself to his relationships/family rather than the code of bushido-- the very essence of honor itself-- ourgh ourgh ourgh its so good

(put aside the fact that he once said he could never serve another lord, and we know from the story that the idea of a "lord" can be more than just a person... he never stopped serving mifune, not truly. he still upholds the ideas of honor that mifune stood for/represented. as if his lord never truly left him.)

...i was going to say more, but then i realized this turned into a whole-ass mini-analysis, so i'm forcing myself to stfu. but basically: i have feelings about this series, man (/gender neutral).

anyway. if you ever do put something together, i would love to read/follow it! if i ever wrote something, it would probably be exploring the direct fallout of losing mifune, so hey, different niches but similar (:

also: never be anxious about talking to me ever in any way possible. i will probably be even more annoying than you in tags/asks/everything under the sun, and i do genuinely love talking to people who share my interests (typically about those interests.) i like to pretend i am an internet Cool Guy, however, it is a flimsy veneer to hide all the cringefail swaglessness and unending mental illness about my blorbos

(...i am so tempted to just invite you to my og turtle discord server so i can annoy you about usagi on the regular. also about what my reimagining of yuichi would be, because i have so, so many ideas.

i will refrain, but if you would be interested, it has been kinda dead as of late, so it would be nice to enrich the ecosystem a little by slowly collecting other usagi-interested individuals and slowly taking it over, one by one (/j /lh).)

anyway, same thing goes for me with my posts/asks/reblogs/messages/whatever. i am so very earnest, so if that puts you off, that's very chill and fine. however, as long as you're down to vibe, i am similarly down to vibe >:D

i once more apologize for this monstrosity of a reply. i would say it won't happen again, but my reading comprehension apparently does not extend to the "all things in moderation" maxim. instead i choose maximalism (to the max)

(sorry for that joke. yeah that will also happen again. sorry. /lh /pos)

[asksoldieron]

SO-18: Memory Bomb!

If there's a lot of engagement on this, this post is liable to get real long, beware before you expand.

No art, but hopefully my eyes will improve enough to add some later!

Welcome to the Engagement Lounge, for Peanut Butter Bubblegum (SO-18) an instalment! Short comments can go in the replies, but there's a 475 character limit. Longer ones will need a reblog. Remember to @asksoldieron if you're reblogging someone else's reblog, so I can see it too!

There! They got him! Well, sorta. That's definitely not Erik but he's in there somewhere. They'll get him out! Eventually!

I had such a cool idea for a musical comic but I can't do it. You'll have to read and imagine David and Hyacinth having it out, while what he is now is slowly subsumed by what he once was... Or while an imposter who made a very bad decision becomes permanently trapped in a web of his own lies. Maybe both at once!

*sigh* I'm struggling, but I don't get real feedback from the eye doctor. It's like they don't think I can't handle any negativity, so everything is all smiles and "you're doing great!" while I'm dealing with shit they should've sat me down and told me about before I even had the damn surgery.

You see, I had the impression the surgery was the best option for not losing any of the improvement I spent all last year making myself sick to gain. Heh. Maybe it was, but I've still lost ground and I'll need to put in even more work to get it back. I have a different issue now: stamina. My eyes get tired of focusing on detail, near and far, and in certain situations they'll just stop. I'll be straining as hard as I can and I won't be able to tell you if that's a D, C, O or G. It won't shift in and out of focus like I might be able to get it eventually, it'll just be a static blur until I rest my eyes and come back to it. (Kinda think the doctor thought I was faking or playing it up, since I could read letters the first time she asked me to, and then I couldn't. But the tech just listened to me describe what was happening and said, "Oh, yeah. Your eyes are just tired. Take a break.")

I don't have much trouble reading - as long as it's black and white or close to that. Much like Erik, I can get it from context. I've always read the shape of the word, because my damn eyes never worked like they're supposed to. But art is not like that. Hell, even reading a comic is harder for me right now.

I'm getting my Xmas computer soon. It has a bigger screen than my tablet, and I should be able to draw on it. I might not get so tired so fast with a bigger screen, but I won't know until I try. I found a good enough refurbished deal that I can afford a pen display with an even bigger screen, if it comes to that, but I'll have to give myself some time to strengthen my eyes in any case.

I thought I was just going to heal from this - it would only be a matter of time until the wound closed and my corneas cleared up - I certainly got that impression at the start. But now they say I'm not going to get better without more work. I'm stuck doing pretty much the same exercises, only now they're hard in a different way. The dry-eye does seem to be improving, but there's no guarantee it will keep doing that. I have nearly a year to wait for the dryness and light tolerance to stabilize, those things are the slowest to heal. Well, they would be the slowest, if I didn't have this stupid vision dysfunction. I have no idea how long that's going to take to adapt.

Anyway, this is all too many words. I'm trying to explain why I won't be able to come back with more story after a two week break, even though I have the next six-pack almost ready to go. I can write. I can reorganize the site (and I need to do that, the theme and the global colours are just stupid, and all my pattern blocks are malfunctioning). I can open a new bank account and put together a Ko-Fi page (after Patreon gets rid of my data - they only have a couple more days to do that within their 30-day limit!!). I can't illustrate. Nobody's going to stop scrolling and look at this shit in their feed if there's no images, and I'm not resorting to stock photos or AI.

I want to get to the point where I can spam my followers with something I'm proud of that looks nice, and send them to a site that I'm also proud of and which looks nice. I want more readers, but I don't feel right asking for them when everything's falling apart, including me.

So, I'll be here, but there won't be more story for a while. At least give me until the 20th, that'll be three months out from the surgery and I should be fairly well healed by then. It's just that I have this stamina issue nobody warned me about and no timeline for that. Almost like it doesn't matter. Hey, you can see without glasses! 20/20! Like we promised! Does it really matter if it expires without warning? It works when you read off the chart the first time and that's all you need, right?

No. I told you people I was an artist. You don't seem to be reviewing my chart and god alone knows if you even wrote it down, but you did ask me and I told you. This is not enough.

We'll see what the next few weeks will do for me. I hope like hell I'll be back soon with another six - words AND pictures.

[Back to Site?]

[pink-bird-30]

Titans 4x05 & 4x06 Reaction

I'm not putting a spoiler warning, I'm wayyyy too late in posting my reviews of these episodes that everyone should have watched by now.

This is my only warning.

4x05

-Connor being absolutely sick and not telling anyone is my villain origin story. This boy already has been through enough in 5 episode, but yes, Mother Mayhem, let's make the boy vomit up a giant snake and posses his body (Although, who wouldn't want to posses that man's body).

-Bernard and Tim running from the snake had me dying. Bernard falling had me cackling. Tim really thought he could do something to stop that snake, huh? Homeboy was trying to balance his boa staff on his head not even 20 seconds before that.

-Bernard gives me BIG Patrick vibes from Schitts Creek. I can't tell if its just they dynamic between Bernard and Tim where it somewhat reflects that of Patrick and David, but I'm such a fan of the coupling. I know there is a lot of mixed feelings between the pair, but I'm happy if they're happy.

-Jinx and gar's banter is actually pretty cute. Don't come for me lol.

-I'm glad Gar is trying to figure out more information about his visions and it's not just a dead-end plot-line this season. There is a huge purpose for Gar and I can't wait until it comes to fruition.

-Connor trying to sabotage the plan...boy did no one learn from season 3? Connor blew up Kom's only way home to Tamaran. He has been unstable for how many episodes now and no one seem to give a damn.

-Dick and Kori's brief conversation about the book annoyed me. Dick is such a nonbeliever that sometimes I want to reach through my screen and shaking some sense into him. And Kori did bring up a good point that Sebastian is there now and they should take him out, but Dick is also right in the fact that they took their time with Rachel and it ended okay (but it makes me think that since Sebastian exists, that's why Rachel ended up not evil and defeating Trigon).

-Dick's fucking cartwheel away from Connor, gold. Pure gold.

-I'm kinda sad Kori didn't take the Porsche.

-Elko's Diner anyone?

-Pregnant Connor, not what I expected today...

-For a place that is obsessed with Superman, they sure seem to have a lot of Kryptonite.

-Zadira is really out here to ruin everyone's day. I get it. The prophecy will happen and whatnot, but at least give Kori some credit for helping Rachel. The world would have ended two seasons ago.

-Not Connor bringing up Hank, bruh.

-Gar turning into a virus is such callback to Teen Titans. I love how they are showing all the different ways Gar can transform this season.

-Don't kill me, but I actually really like the friendship between Dick and Jinx. They should have not made Jinx another one of Dick's ex's, I will die on this hill. They have such a good dynamic and he clearly likes her enough to trust her with his friend's lives, so why make her an ex???

-Mother Mayhem sacrificing her one friend was dark. Even worse was Gina knew she would be the sacrifice. This season if full of chaos and I'm living for it.

-"Figure it out, we always do." Not Gar quoting Dick, my heart can't handle this.

-Side note: I love how Titans is real about injuries and death on this show. In comics and animated shows, there's this weird immunity to the heroes and there isn't any real consequences. But Titans is really upfront about it.

-"Casting a spell?" "No, praying." Jinx is so real for this lol.

-TIM HAD HIS MOMENT!! I was hoping he'd get to do something and I'm glad it was to save Bernard.

- "It's about the snacks." Honestly, Rachel got a point. The team is full of snacks ;).

-Rachel's interaction with Sebastian is beyond wholesome. She has healed so much over the years and I'm happy for her, even thought I know it will only last for a little while...

-"He will bring the end of days." Zadira, we been known this. Just let them have some happiness for a hot second. Thanks.

The vision...

I-

I know Zadira is doing what is right to maintain harmony, but we cannot ignore that she literally threw Kori's potential future in her face. There's low, but Zadira got lower than low. She's halfway to seeing Trigon at how low she just acted.

The continuation of Dick's vision merging with Kori's was everything. I expected this show to ruin me. But hot damn, I'm a mess. A big hot pile of melted mess over here!!!!

The birthday party, the looks, the touches, the familiarity with one another. The warmth the clarity, EVERYTHING. They even made the fucking scene have light!!!!! Pure. Golden. Light.

And then, poof! it's gone.

Fucking pulled away and then back to reality.

A very harsh reality may I add.

Zadira better pray she never meets me.

The after math...

Listen, I'm not surprised Sebastian gave himself up. He's been with the Titans for a few days and that is long enough for Dick's self-sacrificing attitude to rub off on some people. It's was also enough time for Sebastian to have real exposure to what a family is. At this point we aren't too aware of Sebastian's background, but in 4x06 his entire identity make a whole lot more sense.

4x06

Oh lord above, what in God's name did I just watch?!

I'm literally rewatching this episode to get a better scope of what I watched a week ago and honestly, I'm still flabbergasted at everything and everyone.

Buckle up, friends. Let's deep dive.

Kori and Rachel return without Sebastian

-The ride in the car before they get back to Star labs is probably one of the most important conversations pertaining to Dickkory all season.

-Rachel is asking the real questions:

"Has Dick told you before?"

"No, he hasn't".

Rachel is a true queen for keeping Dick's vision a secrete until the right moment. I can't imagine seeing those two flirt all day long and keep that vital piece of information to myself.

-The look on Dick's face when he asks Kori and Rachel where Sebastian was...I think he was genuinely afraid for the first time this entire season.

Connor's Persona Change

-Connor's attitude, I have never cringed so much in my life. Josh is playing the hell out of Connor this season and his switch from "Superboy" to "Lexiboy" has given me whiplash (I will be sending Titans' my medical bills).

-Connor's behavior towards Dick is something in itself. Dick's reaction to Conor's attitude is so restraint. There is no person on this earth that has the patience Dick Grayson has with Connor Kent. My inner hispanic woman would have slapped that boy the first chance he gave me an attitude. But alas, Dick is probably a better person than I.

-Also, does anyone else find the irony that Connor shaved his head with the powers Superman gave him? Lex has had a grudge against Superman for many reasons, but his loss of hair was always number 1 on that list. And seeing Connor using his heat vision to shave his head was a full circle moment.

-Does Connor give you guys big Jason vibes? His language and mannerisms remind me of pre Red Hood Jason. From the woe is me attitude to the cockiness, all reminiscent of Jason Todd. I get that it's "supposed" to be his Luther side coming out, but they killed Lex off too soon for us to really get a feel for his character. So it's difficult to determine if Lex was this way for sure.

-Dick preferring to be called Dick was funny.

The Plan

-Listen, Jinx's plan was okay. I never had full faith that they could pull it off, but it was a great starting point. Sometimes the Titans put all of their marbles into one jar before looking at alternative methods. This is why they typically don't do well the first time and end up losing (foreshadowing).

-Connor's plan was not terrible either, but also not a solution. Mostly a band-aid on a bullet wound.

-I think if they had more time, they would have come up with something better to suit their situation and work better together.

Moving on...

-Rachel ate Jinx's hair.

I-

Sometimes I cannot tell if Jinx is pulling our leg or not; she has such a sarcastic attitude that most of the time I'm like, okay, she's joking again. But then no, it's not a joke.

-I'm glad Jinx pointed out that Rachel could still access her powers if she wanted to. I think it's helpful there is someone else there who has an understanding of magic and can help her rekindle her loss of powers.

Mother Mayhem and Sebastian

-We've seen plenty of toxic relationships all throughout Titans and honestly, Mother Mayhem may take the cake (Rachel's mother, Angela or "Arella" still holds the crown after her betrayal in season 1/Season 2).

-Showing Sebastian all of his past relationships with figures that were meant to either guide him or love him was horrible. This kid has been traumatized since day one and his mother is making him relive all of it. This man is so fragile, and I'll admit, bringing up the past is such a smart move to get him to drink the blood. But damn, dark as hell.

Gar's Visions

-This was such a HUGE moment in the episode. I'm glad Kori has always been so aware of everyone on the team and how they're doing. Right away she knew Gar was not fine and needed her, but he brushes her off and leaves anyway.

-I think it's interesting how Gar was a few seconds ahead of his interaction with Connor. I wonder if that is his visions showing him the future, or is it the universe already altering from Mother Mayhem's disturbances?

-Let's discuss Gar's interaction with the skin-walker:

"When the towers break, take yourself to the Red."

"It depends on you, Garfield Logan."

This reminds me of how animals always sense when bad things happen before they do. And I'm really excited to see how Gar is going to be the key to fixing this hot mess the Titans are now involved in. But I wonder where the "Red" will take him? Is it an alternate dimension? Is it the past where he can stop all of this? what is it?!

Back at the lab...

I've loved Connor Kent since season 2, but this boy is really grinding my gears!

"Take the win."

"This isn't my dark side."

-Connor, for the love that is all holy, shut up. Like why is it necessary to be a raging prick? Dick understand that he's changing, whether that be for the better or not, but Connor needs to understand that he cannot just go from zero to hundred. It is not safe for him!

-What I really love about Dick's growth as a character is how he doesn't give up on Connor and still includes him to still help the team with their plan. Even thought his attitude sucks right now, Dick still invited him to help bring Sebastian back.

-Connor has now entered dangerous irrational territory. Going after Mother Mayhem all on his own knowing well enough magic and Super powers will not help him really put the Titans in a bad position.

Side note: I find it hilarious that Joseph Morgan always has blood somehow incorporated into his roles. Klaus would be proud of him.

The date scene...

-Oh, my heart absolutely broke for Sebastian here. This girl deadass pointed out that he's lonely as hell. Girl, you're lucky he didn't smite you sooner. But the gift she gave him was so thoughtful (and honestly, very nostalgic for me), but he really assumed their relationship would fail due to his own insecurities and always being let down by others. I wish he had more time with Rachel and the Titans to know they would have his back.

Kori's Powers...

-Her powers are now unstable and now just another thing on the list of things Dick has no idea about. Who knows how bad this will go in future episodes...

Jinx and Dick...

-Listen, I know, I know this is problematic (and I ain't trying to start any fights here, so please don't) but like I stated earlier, I do like this pairs dynamic platonically. Clearly Jinx has some unresolved issues regarding Dick. That was made abundantly clear when Dick told her she earned her money and how she reacted to his kindness. Dick really is such a sucker for certain people and I can see why he had shared moments with Jinx in the past. But their relationship seems to give off sibling vibes that people need to chill just a bit on the hate towards the actress. Hell, I would personally ship myself with that gorgeous man, who wouldn't?

Anyways...Moving on.

Connor, Connor, Connor. What are we going to do with you?

-This man straight up thought he could take on Mother Mayhem all on his own? After the first two encounters has he learned nothing? Even the Lex part of him has to know the probability of this not working in his favor.

-His actions have caused so many issues in such a small amount of time, can your imagine another 6 episodes of him acting this way??? Oh the damage that will be done.

-Mother Mayhem dissing Lex "He was SO EASY TO KILL" the volume in her voice lolz.

-When Jinx puts the mark on Rachel's forehead, it glows the same red Gar saw in his visions. I wonder if that mens he'll end up somewhere with Rachel or in Azarath?

Dick and Kori

"To hell to prophecies, destinies, and visions" If I had a dollar for the amount of times this man has put his foot in his mouth this entire series...I'd have enough money to save Stargirl. Richard John Grayson, do you have eyes? or are you blind to the obvious?! (Which we all know he is). But really, these last few years and have you learned nothing?! You're literally in love with an alien a fucking alien princess from another planet and you cannot wrap your head around visions?!

The look on Dick's face when Kori brings up their shared vision?! I will always say this: Brenton is so good at showing so many emotions with his eyes. You can see the guilt eating at him and the emotional overload he's feeling due to the vision.

And the soft way Kori recants the vision created this bubble around them that felt untouchable:

"You and me and a little girl with a red balloon."

Kori is such a strong person and the tone she uses with Dick when describing the vision has haunted me for days. She speaks so softly. It's like she was afraid to speak louder in fear she would scare Dick away. That she was afraid Dick would be dismissive and act like it wasn't real.

But when she asked him why he never said anything, his response: "I don't know." confirmed all Kori needed to know. It burst their small bubble to the reality that Dick hadn't wanted to disclosed this information to her.

I know there is some upset to Dick's reaction. But we need to be honest here. How would you feel if the person you saw as a partner for the last few years, someone you share a close bond with who has your back as much as they have your's is the future mother to your child? Dick has played the hypothetical game before where he has a life and a family but then it ends up a shitty mess (granted that was Trigon's doing, but it's a valid point). Dick has never had a stable relationship in his life and now all of a sudden, the one person who has been his literal partner in crime is someone he will be tied to forever because of that little girl with the red balloon.

That's a lot to take in. And another point to make, he literally had to die to see that vision. That in itself should be enough evidence that he still needs time to process his vision.

But I also need to say that Dick probably would have not brought it up to Kori, that I am certain of it. And I know deep down Kori knows that as well, and I think that is why she is so upset about the entire situation too.

"To hell with visions."

Although it was a small sentence, Kori knew it would hurt Dick the most. I think this is the first time we really see them acknowledge the change in their dynamic and unfortunately, its at a bad time and not on a positive foot.

The End

I think we were all rooting for the Titans at the end. They get there just in time to stop Sebastian from drinking the blood and finishing the ritual.

-We see Gar bust in as an ape causing chaos. We have Starfire kicking ass. Dick waltz in like he owns the place. There was so much unity happening that for a moment there was hope.

-Gar was able to break the jewel and get Raven's powers back and now she's White Raven!!!! I knew it would happen from previous media, but seeing it was so cool. She was absolutely glowing and I hope we can see her costume better later on in the season cuz from just the brief glimpse, I'm sold.

-Jinx dying was not on my bingo card. But there was something about her death that leaves me unsettled. As she falls to the ground you hear her say "Not again." So does that mean she has previously died and came back? Also, I feel like Jinx would have had a better control over Mother Mayhem, we've seen it before when she controlled the Zombies. I think Jinx is going to betray the Titans in the end and she's using Dick.

-Connor is completely out for the count, homeboy is just sitting there tied up.

-Kori and Rachel teaming up to go after Mother Mayhem was epic. But I am concerned for Kori and her powers. You can see her powers were overwhelming not only her, but you can also see it on Dick's face as well. He felt the energy pouring from her and it makes me concerned that she will end up dead in the end trying to save everyone in the final battle.

-I really feel for Tim at the end. Connor brought up earlier that Tim is completely useless. And I love Tim, but he still has a lot of learning to do and I feel sad that he failed on his part to get Sebastian to back down and leave the cult behind. I know that there will be aftermath to this situation.

Lastly,

Sebastian takes his place and it was epic. The moment he becomes Brother Blood and uses his powers to erase the Titans, such a power move. Then he descends into the bubbling spring of blood completely submerging himself? That's some next level shit. I don't know where we're going to end up in a few weeks when the show comes back, a lot of us are hypothesizing that they'll be in an alternate reality of some sort, especially based off the episode titles. But I hope we get a release date soon for pt 2.

Until then, let me know what you think!

[it-is-i-zim]

sigh I'll bite what about tit out boomerang

Bit of a doozy here. So first of, he's only showed up in like... 5 or 6 panels of issue #3 of Multiversity: Harley Screws Up The DCU so far. Problem is, he's under Starro's control so he's not like... Actually doing anything Starro is making his body do things with the Starro Spore on his face. I looked into Starro's weakness and therefore I could fix him by ripping the Starro Spore off his face. I might have to lock up in a freezer or something but yeah. Also supposedly in comics the hosts are still alive and the based on what happened to Harley... I'd say he's probably still alive under there. Since I want the Starro Spore off his face and I want him to just... Live his life, that's what makes it so far from the original cuz so far he's only showed as a host for Starro. He should be allowed to kill and bite and maim Starro for what they? It? (Wtf are Starro's pronouns. Does Starro even have pronouns???) did to him. Sadly this is like... The most he's showed up in ANYTHING since he died in the movie and since the game has been delayed until February of next year it could still be quite some time before he finally shows up more. So like... 6 panels where he's infected with a starfish shaped facehugger is the best I got rn. So I'm using what I got to craft my own little thing where he's got a sick ass looking Starro shaped scar like how Harley had (she always gets the attention anymore). Normally he's just a silly little guy. A fucking court jester even. But with him being part of a hive mind at the moment we just don't get to see it. Yeah, he's still able to bite and kill and maim, but not in a way he really wants to because of the whole hive mind parasite bs. The og has 2 kinds of daddy issues and I like characters with daddy issues. The original is also an asshole and I love them for it so I'm saying he's also an asshole. I don't think there's a version of him out there who isn't an asshole tbh. I fucking love his design. Except you know... The fact you can't see his fucking face. Can't wait to peel that parasite of his face to look that asshole in the eyes. I hope his eyes are green. It's been a minute since he's been drawn in canon with green eyes. But here's another picture of his design. It's so fucking good. I wish I looked that hot and sexy. I want to look exactly like that. Minus the mind controlling starfish shaped alien facehugger.

AND THE SCARS ON HIS ARMS PLEASE THAT'S SO FUN!!!!!! Then uh... there's his tit.

It's just hanging out of his shirt. There's a big ass hole and you can see his tit through the hole. I need more of this with Boomer he deserves it with his probably around 20 deaths now because Jesus Christ he keeps fucking dying. I MADE A POST ABOUT HIM ACTUALLY AND I KEEP SENDING ONE OF MY FRIENDS THIS SAME IMAGE OF HIS TIT. LET ME QUOTE THEM ACTUALLY BECAUSE I FOUND OUT ABOUT HIM LITERALLY FUCKING YESTERDAY AND I HAVEN'T SHUT UP ABOUT HIS TIT I'M SO NOT NORMAL ABOUT THIS

Anyway... heres the quote:

"STOP SENDING THE TITTY PIC I BEG YOU"

-@rallazarthemagnificent

Sadly I fully expect him to die at least once in this series cuz that's... That's just what he do. He dies. A lot. He means everything to me though and I wish he stopped dying for once.

[saturnianbooks]

2023 Reading Wrap Up

Okay!!! So i wasn't able to keep up with one, monthly, kind of post. Honestly, i can't call myself a blogger even if i wanted to. No worries, because last year was actually the first time in a while that i felt i was actually living my life instead of just existing in the world, i was experiencing it. So, tiny victories i guess.

About the books, now. I don't know why or how i do it, but since i fell in love with reading books, back in 2014, i've kept a streak of 24 books per year. It's not a bad number because i read slowly. Besides, at least i'm reading something, you know? There's no rule saying i should read fast or a thousand per year... I've tried, though! I can't get away from 24, can't get past it and feel really sad if i stay one number bellow it. And that's the number of books i've read in 2023... More or less. Let me expain.

January is the month i can usually read the most. It's summer here in Brasil, i finally feel rested from working and studying for a whole year and i'm hyped to read all those exciting stories i hear about. It's not surprising i managed to read 6 books that month last year. A good way of starting my yearly book journey. Sure three of them were small, fast reading books and one was a comic book, but still. The january wrap up cwas posted by another name because the idea of doing it the whole year came later. And i managed to keep it up for just a semester. So you can find the February, March, April, May and June wrap ups on my blog. The second semester of 2023 was a bit messy. Here are the rest of my book reviews.

Arsène Lupin: Gentleman Cambrioleur

I picked it up because of the Netflix series, because i wanted to practice my French reading skills and also because i had a flight with nothing to do. And i had so much fun reading it that now that's the only thing i want to do during flight: i read Arsène Lupin stories. I read even slower in French and i haven't travelled much by plane so i never finished this book. Which, in this case, feels exciting, to know there's more of his stories waiting for me to read them. At first, what hooked me was how even the reader can't tell which of the characters is Lupin. His descriptions are so vague and yet they fulfill their objtective, because the reader is intrigued, curious to learn more. And Lupin is so confident in his abilities, he lies with such ease and seems to simply have enough knowledge of everything, he's so prepared in every situation, reading people like they're open books and instantly knowing what their reactions are going to be. And Maurice Leblanc makes it fun instead of tiring like Sherlock Holmes can be.

The Inheritance Games Trilogy

I picked the first book in the beginning of winter vacation and could not stop until the end of July. Not because of the romance in the story, witch was lacking in many points, but rather because of the mistery around her genealogy and my curiosity about how the story would end, who would have all that money? Some of the plot twists i really don't care about (like that girl that showed up in the third book). But i really like how some of the relationships and characters were build. Like her relationship dynamic with her Father and their background, it was very pleasant to me. I also enjoyed how Mr. Hawthorn raised his grandkids, but hated how he neglected his daughters. The whole series felt like i was watching a TV show, which i find very nice.

With the Fire on High

I like the vibes in this book. It feels fast and slow at the same time, it feels dramatic and nonchalant. I like how the romance in the story is not the main theme of the book. I like that she was already grown when the book began, how it was kind of the aftermath of something tat happened to her, and still she managed to grow even more, and we follow her through this journey of being her own person despite what happened, even embracing what happened. I think more books should be written this way.

Lord Edgware Dies

I hate Poirot and can't stand him as a detective, person and main Character. That's the reason why i abandoned this book.

House of Salt and Sorrow

I didn't know it was a suspense book. I saw it on tiktok, "marketed" as a retelling of the tale that inspired "Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses". I always loved the movie, so i gave the book a chance too. And i was surprised by it. I really like the worldbuilding in this. Maybe, in hindsight, that's what made me finish the book, i considered it more a fantasy book than suspense (but it's both). A sea kingdom in a world with its own pantheon of gods, it was really well made and executed. The romance is also very intriguing, since it's interwined with the suspense part to the point of you questioning what exactly you do know for sure and what is a lie.

The Love Hypothesis

This was lovely. The romance is super well written and involving and fulfilling. It was funny. It showed some hard truths about the academic wold too. And it has a happy ending. The rhythm is nice too.

Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

I read this for Halloween. I was excited to read it but i didn't know the story and thought it was a case of multiple personalities. It shocked me that it was actually some sort of magic and science combined. Still, it's a neat tale. A shame it lacked women in it.

Inferno

I used to like Dan Brown works. I felt so intelligent while reading them. Now i see how machist it really is. I tried reading it for the adventure, for the mistery, but it was annoying me so much that i dropped it. Honestly, i tried and i don't know if i'm going back to it. I only picked it up because it was ispired by Dante's Inferno and i was very much hyped with Hozier's Unreal Unearth.

Love, Theoretically

Not as nice as Love Hypothesis, in my opinion. But still a fun book. I think it went even deeper on the main character's psychology and the harshness of the academic world. But i didn't like the romance dynamic in it, it seemed like the love interest was simply her dog and not a human with a life and personality of his own (which is funny because he spent he whole book trying to help her to not be a people pleaser anymore). On the other hand, the romantic plot was well made. They misunderstood each other in the beginning but this was unmade by the middle of the story, so it could focus on the construction of their romance itself.

By the Pricking of My Thumbs

And the last book i read in 2023, i finished on the last day of the year. I love Tommy and Tuppence, and this is their fourth book. Actually, that this one was more a Tuppence book than both of them acting together. I like how Christie commentend on how society oversaw elder women as intelligent and capable humans, how they criticized their habits and opinions and made wrong judgments. She used it against the society itself. And that, i felt, was her excuse to put Tuppence on the spotlight, which is amazing. And in the end we got to see that the old couple never lost that romantic spark for each other, the same one we saw on their first case. That was very pleasing.

And that was the end of my 2023 reading journey. I don't know if i have the energy or courage to make this a monthly thing in 2024. Maybe i'll do it every six months or next year, perhaps. I liked writting this, having a place to talk about the stories i read and what i thought about them (my book club didn't survive it's second meeting) . And it was a good english writing practice. So i guess i'll write another one of these as i feel the need for it. Thank you, if you read all this. Take care and see ya!

[irkimatsu]

Caught up on Hazbin Hotel! It's a fun ride! I don't have nearly enough words for it - there's someone in my circle way, way better at that when it comes to this - but I did want to ramble a little bit:

-Charlie. CHARLIE. I am about 60% here for Charlie. You could have told me nothing about this show besides "the Princess of Hell is basically a shoujo protagonist" and you would have gotten me from there. Is my love for Charlie proof of my namby-pamby hippie ways of love and kindness and forgiveness? Probably! But it's fine. I love Charlie. I want to know her dreams of redemption are possible. (Sometimes I really need to know that you really can be redeemed no matter how badly you've fucked up...)

-I'm also really loving Husk. How much is the personality and how much is the character design? No clue. (I'm a furry, baby~) He's a good straight man, though, and someone that most of this hotel's residents are gonna need, especially Angel. Glad I'm not the only one on the Husk/Angel train, looking forward to where that's going

-Sir Pentious is a pathetic baby man and I love pathetic baby men. (My main fandom is still an anime about six pathetic baby men, after all.) While there's other characters I care more about as a whole, I fully expect to be laughing my shit off every time this guy's on screen. Idiot. <3

-God damn the music is good, just as I expected after years of Helluva Boss. Standouts so far are "Poison" (obviously, even though that scene fucking hurt to watch - which isn't a complaint, it did what it was supposed to); "Stayed Gone" (Vox is such a petty bitch and damn do I see why a friend of mine favors Alastor, he's effective as hell); and "Loser Baby" (maybe because I literally just watched it and boarded the Husk/Angel train, but hey, it was fun, and a desperately needed cleanser after "Poison". You know "Poison" was rough when a cheerful song about how much your lives suck is a cleanser.) There hasn't been a dud yet, though! Gonna have to loop the soundtrack to commit everything to memory, though that might wait until the whole season's out. Don't want to not give later songs a fair shake because I was too busy looping the earlier ones.

-If I have to complain a little, I do admit to being lost on some things, and I don't know how much of that is "I'm supposed to be lost, they'll explain later", "I'm dumb and didn't absorb things properly", or "that was explained in side materials". I hope most of it is those first two and not the third - side materials are fun, but I do think the show should be able to stand on its own. Even with the pilot - is that on Amazon? I don't know because I watched the show, um, elsewhere. I have my doubts about it, though, since so much changed between the pilot and the main show, as it tends to happen with pilots. If it's not, that does feel like a bit of a problem, since I think this show has its best chance of success if someone sees it turns up in their recommended section, knows nothing about it but thinks it looks cool, and tunes in there. Treats for the dedicated fans are great, but continuity lockout makes it hard for newbies to care, and I'd rather this didn't turn into "well you're not a real fan because you didn't read all the side comics and blog posts". No elitism, please! Let people who don't live on the Internet enjoy the funny demon show, too!

-Twitter is annoying and my engagement with this show in public will probably be slim-to-zero because this show's hatedom is one of the most obnoxious I've seen in a long time. It's fine to hate the show, obviously, but god, all the reaching for straws to prove that everyone who watches this show is evil and supports all the crime in the world. It's okay, you don't have to like the violent Hell show where people say fuck. It's not for everyone. You don't need to prove you're better than everyone else for not liking it. It's fine, love, it's fine. Of course there's stuff to criticize, every show can be critiqued, but "it's gross for Niffty to make sex jokes because she's tiny"? Go away with that shit.

I hope at least some of this was coherent. Looking forward to more!

[hankwizard]

Pieces Of Media I Consumed Recently

because i have accepted i cannot, for the life of me, do this in an organized fashion lol

CHAINSAW MAN('s anime)

I read the manga obsessively the moment I heard the premise. I grew up in the era of self-referential, masturbatory, whedon-istic media where no show or comic could just be unapologetically itself without getting weird and "haha isnt it DUMB we're making this?" the whole time. A manga about a guy turning into a chainsaw that is absolutely about a dude who turns into a chainsaw fucking appeals, okay?

Anyways. This is about the anime. The anime almost feels like a film at times- the characters move very.. Realistically. Very on model, which worked in some ways but made it a bit less expressive in others. It didn't have the punk charm of the manga, but otherwise? Steller presentation. I like how the anime further emphasizes that Denji is a kid- giving him more childish mannerisms (such as the infamous scene with himeno) that really hammers home the point of his character- that he's just a manipulated kid who wants some kind of normalcy and, most of all, love.

CHAINSAW MAN('s manga. part 2)

It makes me feel like the absolute joker watching how well thought out Asa is as a protagonist. Traumatic experiences can strip us of our identities- make us feel like all we've done is survive, and therefore, that's all we can do, so watching Asa fret over being a bore and be unable to connect to others without worrying about how things will crumble down is just a delight. I love her. Denji is also great so far! He's just so tired. This part's art has so much subtle improvement and once again Fujimoto is delivering bangers. Yoshida is never beating the yaoi allegations.

FEAR AND HUNGER: TERMINA

The fun thing about autism is that it forces you to enjoy things in the most "yeah this is my life now" of ways, which is fine when your interests are something normal you can explain to people like "dungeons and dragons" or "sailor moon" and not Termina, a game that makes you genuinely debate not if you should sever your enemy's leg, but which one.

Termina is crazy. A survival horror rpg where death is punishing, limbs can be lost AND trans women can do necromancy? It's great and it's terrifying. There's literally an entire area that I avoid because it freaks me out so bad so I GENUINELY take the long way everywhere to avoid it every time.

It's one of those games where any enemy can not only kill you, but maim you in ways that fundamentally change how you play the game. Dealing with enemies is a puzzle: how do you approach them? Do you deal with them now so you never have to deal with them again? Do you run around so you can wait until you're stronger? Do you shoot them from afar or save the precious ammo for something even worse?

It's a special kind of satisfying, but definitely not a game for everyone. I'd recommend reading the content warnings, as it's a dark fantasy with dark fantasy themes. It's also a game for adults only, no exceptions. Feel free to message me if you want to know about any content in the game that isn't listed out in the warnings on the store page. I might make a larger blog post about it later.

SHAMELESS

Ok, at first I really liked it! It's very funny, the characters are very well written, and it's very captivating... But I'm going to be real, the amount of Leering Shots Of Teenage Girls in what I watched of this show is enough to drive me bananas. I don't want to look up the sixteen year old girl's skirt, netflix, I'm ambiguously in my mid twenties. The show's insistence on making me look at karen naked ruined it for me. It didn't even feel like it was saying anything? It just kept happening!!! Anyways, tl;dr, shameless is not for me.

VELMA

So, listen. I need to admit something: I've been deep in the Western Cartoons Discourse Trenches since I googled "My Little Poney Forums" as a young teenager. I never really participated, but I'm aware of the cycle of Discourse that happens whenever a show Like This comes out- a show with marginalized characters that isn't very good, or at least is perceived as such.

I watched Sacrificial Trash and you should too

What generally happens is an outpour of outrage and criticism that's 10% warranted, 30% nitpicky and 60% literal actual bigotry. You end up with a lot of video essays of Yelling Men With Glasses that makes me, a contrarian hipster, really interested in proving the internet wrong and actually Enjoying The Thing.

After watching all of Velma, my verdict is:

I Enjoyed Watching It But Would Not Recommend It To Most

The show is funny! It's visually incredible! It has a fun plotline! It has a lot of nods to older Scooby Doo cartoons that I, as a Child Born After 1960, Enjoy! And I like basically every main character and most of the side characters...

Except... It has two massive, glaring issues in its writing. Two major themes that not only make the show nearly unrecommendable to most people, but also revolve around the worst character in the show, Velma herself.

To start, this show has a massive, gaping problem with self-hating anti-indian racism.

Every time Velma's ethnicity is brought up, it's made out to be a gag!! It's to make fun of her!! She's called an ugly gorilla constantly!!! She's made fun of for being hairy!!! And it's never addressed!!! It's just a running gag that Velma hates being Indian and so does everyone else. It's very uncomfortable. I was hoping it'd tone down but it doesn't. The show doesn't even seem all that aware that her self hatred about her own culture and her ethnic features is... a bad thing? It's very strange. I know a lot of south asian people who refuse to watch the show or didn't continue past episode one because of this and MAN. I get it.

The show also has a bit of a misogny problem, which is weird because it tries to be feminist at times? With Fred learning to appreciate women for more than their appearances, which was nice, but the amount of times femininity and appearance gets conflated with being dumb and vapid is... a lot. And the show seems half aware that this is bad while also just. keeping on doing it. And Velma is usually the one being misogynistic throughout the show, and while they kinda try to develop her past it, it doesn't feel like the show takes it seriously as a theme.

Anyways. If you watched and went "man, this show was very well produced and beautifully executed in its visuals!" like a huge nerd, please know that Amy Winfrey, creator of Making Fiends and a director for both Tuca And Bertie AND Bojack Horseman was the supervising producer and I highly advise checking her out.

PS: Glenn Howerton should do more voice work