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wisteria-lodge · 8 months ago

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snake primary + neutral snake secondary

Hello. I decided to write this according to the list you gave. I have a huge struggle with my primary. I guess it is burned, but I don’t know what it is, or I don’t want to see it because that hurts my ego if it sounds completely fake or in some way empty, or I just don’t vibe with it. Which I understand is an issue in itself.

An interesting issue. You don’t want a primary assigned to you because you’re worried it’ll sound fake? I’ll keep an eye on that.

For my secondary I guess it is just straight up a lion, mostly being off or burned, burned badger or bird. I definitely use pre-made personas in social or stressful situations, but I prepare so little that I could be anyone.

This sounds like Burnt Bird secondary “I do the Bird secondary thing, but not very well.” Or possibly a Bird secondary model that you wish you didn’t have to use.

Before I have to tell you even if I don’t have clinical depression or a diagnosis, I don’t feel happy, and it probably shows. I am someone who cries every time they see Everything Everywhere All At Once, which at this point probably tells a lot about a person.

… it tells me that you’re very probably neurodivergent. Very possibly ADHD, but I don’t like to diagnose in these things. (Not actually possible anyway.)

Also, heads up for my English, it is nowhere near perfect or fluent, so there might be some annoying mistakes, even though I know you don’t point it out to people. I ran it through a grammar check, but I have little doubt I missed something.

Sometimes I wish I’d care more about other people, about strangers, but I don’t care much naturally, and it becomes even more pronounced when I am stressed or having to spend a lot of my energy outside myself. Then, that gaze towards outside shuts down, and I stop focusing and giving attention to other people.

You’re not naturally a Badger, taking meaning and energy from the community. Snake is absolutely possible, especially with the way Snakes will focus very intensely on their own bodies when they haven’t got a lot of extra energy to spare. Like, sure you’d like to do more, and doing more makes you feel like a good person, but that’s extra.

A co-worker could be talking about their accident and what happened to their family, and I would stare blindly and think to myself they are trying to get sympathy and I would not budge at this point. While more normally I would give them it, even if I didn’t feel sorry for them.

You might also just be low empathy, which is… just kind of a neutral thing. I’m low empathy. A lot of people actually find it comforting that they can be upset around me without getting doubly stressed that they’re making my day worse.

After all, some emotional work needs to be put into maintaining relationships and keeping it alive.

True. And the way you just kind of put that out there as a kind of ‘Rule to Live By’ is actually making me think Bird primary is possible... or a Bird primary model over a burnt primary?

As a kid I was timid, afraid to explore town, thinking someone will come and say I can’t walk there. I was never peaceful, but I followed my mother’s advice to ignore bullies and don’t give them attention. Jokes on me – I never learned how to fight and argue. I remember myself hot headed, attention seeking, trying to talk with others, even making up lies or cutting bangs by myself just so people notice me. But I was always careful not to make trouble for my mother, be safe, get no injuries, clothes fine and without a rip.

I’m leaning more Snake primary for you. Your mother is clearly a very important figure in your life, and what she thinks and values is important, because she thinks it. You ignore bullies, don’t wander, and don’t get in trouble because your Mom told you not to… but there’s still this undercurrent of but I would have liked to. In fact, the way you behave for your mom seems to be very at odds with the “attention seeking” “hot-headed” “notice-me” behavior from the rest of your life. I’m considering Snake secondary (because of the different faces for differnt people) or Lion/Burnt Lion secondary (because you would have liked learning how to fight and argue.)

I was obsessed with Three Musketeers, friendship and finding connection. I would focus on a small group of people or even one person and hold onto it. It started getting really hard time when I had no friends whatever. That pushed me into survival mode and made me quiet and thoughtful.

This focus on small groups of friends is making me really lean Snake primary. (Also, if you’re a Snake Lion, then The Three Musketeers would be *the* perfect media for you.)

I think I solve low-stakes problems with something that looks like a snake or rapid fire bird. I think if I can and have someone close I can call for help, I will. Once in the dorms my European windows fall off the hinges, I couldn’t close it or put it back. I could have definitely done it myself with more time and more focusing and seeing how things work. But I had a friend living there next to me, so I asked them to come. Not that they knew more about windows than I did, but as out both room windows were similar in age maybe they would have a similar issue and know what to do. I don’t think they did, but it was fun and I wish I could do it more - meeting life with your friends and not alone, that’s why I called them. Administration would have been the last resort, they were pretty meh. I think we just ended looking around and putting it back in somehow, just trying to close it in different ways. I was always careful with it after that.

That’s lovely. And… weirdly I think I’m going to put this in for primary, for that whole “meeting life not alone” thing. That’s bigger than just problem solving, that’s getting into why you do things at all.

The actual problem solving seems to be “lets compare the broken window to a similar, not-broken window and see what’s wrong.” There’s a *little* I Know A Guy bird in this ‘who specifically do I know who would be able to solve this problem.’ But I could honestly see coming from any secondary.

In high-stake situations, the most important thing to me is reaching a mental space where I am stable, looking around without panic. That’s why sometimes, instead of pulling an all-nighter before an exam I turned on a movie. I just couldn’t deal with the stress and said bye lol. I didn’t do it all the time, I also studied a lot, alone and with friends, although I cannot say where studying or the movie was more useful. I personally would say in high-stakes situations it’s most critical to try to calm down and manage my stress and anxiety.

This is making me say Improvisational secondary (Lion or Snake.) Extra preparation isn’t going to comfort you, it’s going to mess you up. You’re not a Bird or Badger, who’ll get stressed out if they don’t read their notes over one more time. You want the mental space and agility to correctly read and correctly respond to the situation, and so you’re giving yourself the best chance for that.

I had experience with bad roommates so in dorms I wanted to live alone, not bother or bothering someone. While this opinion wasn’t allowed legally in our college, students would bribe administrator. I hate bribing, giving chocolate for literally noticing me in someone’s place (it’s a bribe older generation does here while asking employees for something they think is a favor, but it’s kind of their job; why don’t we just stop being assholes to each other instead? I am not sure other parts of the world does this so hence the explanation).

It’s interesting. You’re describing bribing, like - yeah you’re breaking the rules… but everyone does it, and everyone knows everyone does it, and to some degree you’re even expected to do it. But even though it’s kind of normal, it still bothers you. And this would bother a Lion secondary (who love to be straightforward and honest) more than it would bother a Snake (who might not even think of giving an administrator a “”gift”” as a bribe.)

As I mentioned earlier, administrator was meh and everyone and their mother knew it, so you can imagine I thought this is big, and I have to survive this and come on top.

This is very Snake primary energy, it has that practicality I absolutely love.

Money, I thought, should be the most useful, but there’s also too much and too little. In short, I sit down, wrote an application, had an envelope in my bag, talked a bit about how I would like to live alone and tried to slip it out of my bag on the table as it was nothing special. The most interesting thing was that he seemed amused all this time, and even then, I had my hair down and had lipstick on, so I don’t know, maybe my baby face looked interesting, or maybe that’s just stress distorting my memories. I was kind of prepared, but not really if you know what I mean, I obviously needed more information, but I was either naïve and thought this will work or this will be enough. In some way I was also mostly thinking I hate this, this either will work with how much I prepared or not, let’s go in and see. Maybe not good enough for sorting according to high-stakes situations but thank gods in some way that the only ones I had are like this one or exams.

Now that I have built your anticipation,

You absolutely have, I am extremely invested in this story.

let’s check together how that ended up for me, shall we? I did get a room for myself, and I really loved the room I got the first year there. Its window opened up to a street, I saw a lot of trees, sky, a neighboring apartment complex that did not belong to college. The bribery? It went well, they were either monitored or they actually meant what they said that they can’t guarantee me anything, and that the college had plans to reduce the available space due to shortage of students. So in the end, I left with my money, a little bruised dignity and a new experience, that I knew I would never want to repeat. We just do what we need to do, and what we are okay about doing, no?

I hate bribery, but I wanted to live alone more, so it weighted over.

Something like that (and this whole story, really) makes me think your primary is fighting with your secondary. You think bribing is wrong, and your Lion secondary hates not just being direct and ASKING for what you want... but you want that private room, so of course you go for it. You had a bad experience in dorms before, you’re going to protect yourself. That’s the decision that you feel best about.

And when it came down to this conversation, you got dressed up, you considered your appearance and how you came across, you thought about what the right level of bribery would be. But in the end, you think that the fact that you looked “interesting” got you through. And “this either will work with how much I prepared or not, let’s go in and see” is SO Lion. It’ll work, or it won’t, it’s out of my hands.

Recently I made a hard decision of whether to go back home or stay. Decisions are hard for me, especially when neither one nor the other option look better. I tried to take all that I have gathered about the situation and see which side is/feels stronger, which one has more value.

I’m starting to see what’s got you confused about your primary. One thing about being in a Snake is that decisions get a lot harder when they don’t affect your personal safety and well-being, or the safety and well-being of your People. You’re making a decision with ALL the tools here - gathering information to know which side is stronger (Bird), asking yourself what side feels stronger (Lion), and also considering which side has more value (depending on exactly what you mean by “value,” this could be Badger or Snake. All those approaching are going to give you slightly different answers.

I left unfriendly environment which saw no value in me or my culture for a more friendly place, where my roots are, where I can make my own decisions, but I had to leave my family. I didn’t feel good there, had no one I wanted to hold onto. But even though I am not a badger, but I am still in a missing people mood.

I bet you are. You’re a Snake, and you don’t have any People right now. (You’re not Burned. You’ve just recently moved to a new place, and don’t have any People yet.)

This was absolutely the Snake decision, also. You didn’t feel valued, so you went where you knew you could set things up the way you like them. You left your family to do it, and sure leaving your family hurts, but I think you would have felt like you’d betrayed yourself if you stayed.

Connection is so human, and we fuck it up so bad from so early on. Does it matter if you still feel alone around people who surround you? It doesn’t, so maybe it’s better to let your family members rest, be somewhere lonely without them and try to do it yourself. Is it already depressing? I am sorry I hope this doesn’t feel like trauma dumping.

Nah, you’re fine. You’re absolutely going to find people you connect to.

My fantasies change with time depending on what inspires and moves me then. I fantasize about a Scandinavian style house, surrounded by snow and a night sky, full of books and huge windows when I just want to run away. Other times I fantasize about being a powerful wizard on the run or in disguise, just trying to live with friends, accepted and running from some kind of huge responsibilities or a war. Not that I never fantasized about something more ambitious, but that probably changed with how my life experiences shaped the worldview I have now. Do I have to mention fantasies of falling in love with someone nice while doing something that I like and brings me joy or is that just basic haha?

The “living with friends/falling in love with someone nice”... that’s very human, but since this significant other person features heavily in a short description of your fantasy, going to put that as a point for Snake primary.

The characters I identify most with probably has nothing to do with me or who I am, more with how I see them. I identify with Lorelai from Gilmore Girls. In my opinion, she has a similar energy to me, to what I think I am inside or could be with a little more stability and confidence. She talks nonsense, and it is fine most of the time, people still like her. She loves her community, her little town, she creates life there and doesn’t wish to leave, and she doesn’t feel a need to run or rush somewhere. I feel I am most healthy and stable when that rush leaves me, and I am stable enough in here and now to actually live there.

I was honestly pretty happy with Lion Secondary as a sorting for you. But now I wonder. This doesn’t seem like something a Lion secondary would say. It seems like a Neutral Snake would say. And Lorelai is a VERY loud Neutral Snake (and a very loud Snake primary.

Now, Lion secondaries can be mellow, and just want to Vibe, but I absolutely do see shape-shifting capabilities from you, and I wouldn’t expect to see them from a Lion (unless you also had models or performances.) When you were a kid you were careful and thinking a lot about the ‘correct’ thing around your mom, but wild around your friends. In the bribing situation you came in with a persona, but then switched around - you’re funny, you’re interesting, you’re naive. Also in the wizard fantasy - you’re running away from the war, you don’t want to deal with it. Lion secondaries tend to fantasize about being revolutionaries or leading armies.

Snake Secondaries who like staying in Neutral have a blunt take-it-or-leave it quality which I do see from you, but you also seem just... kind of tired. Not Burnt, but just kind of done with dealing with a family who makes you feel lonely, an administration who isn’t helpful, an environment that doesn’t value your culture... no wonder you just want the ability to just say whatever, and not have to think about it.

I also think that the lack of a Person (which is a primary issue) is making this whole ask much more ‘authenticity’ flavored than it would be otherwise. You want, you really really desperately want a person to trust enough, and value enough, to be that level of authentic with.

I identify with Joy from Everything Everywhere, because she feels like a friend who doesn’t need you to tell them how you feel in these feeble words, she looks at you, and she knows, the whole movie knows.

You’re fantasizing about someone who just *gets* you, immediately. (You’re fantasizing about a Person.)

Likewise, I identify with Hunter from The Owl House. He says he misses knowing who he supposed to be. He comes from a really unhealthy background, but I just feel happy thinking how not only he himself warms up to people, but others warm up to him, see good in him, accept him and start to care, not how good people care, but how a friend cares. Hahaha, I identify with Pippin from LOTR movies, because he makes mistakes, and everyone around him is like WTF can you not, why don’t you just stand in one place or be tied to a leash? He’s not stupid, he’s not careless, he’s not bad or ignorant per se, mistakes just happen, it’s natural and instead of being made to feel wrong, let’s just not do that and make it normal, because it will happen, and we will learn from our mistakes without pressure or shouting. It’s a miracle Pippin wants to do things after all.

You’re fantasizing about getting a group of People. Don’t think it’s at all a coincidence that both the Owl House and the Lord of the Rings focus on a small, rag-tag group of people who don’t quite fit, for one reason or another. I also think you’ve probably been dealing with someone who does not react to *normal* mistakes in a healthy way. So of course Pippin and Hunter would be comforting.

Things that make me feel powerful? Money, having choices, being able to say no, I will not do anything of what you suggest and instead do this completely different thing. Because I can, because I want it, because I can see I will succeed, I will make it. I can choose to do things my way. You need money or other resources to be able to do that. Calling a plumber and being able to pay them would make me more powerful than waiting for someone I know do me a favor based on our relationship. While not being able to select what I want, or having crappy choices wherever I look makes me feel locked up and incredible passive. To quote the quiz, helplessness doesn’t make me angry, it freezes m, but I don’t get angry.

Damn. Yeah, I don’t know what I can say to any of that. What is power? Money, and the ability to say no. And really, when you get down to it - money is important when it allows to say no. The more you can say no, the more powerful you are.

Recently graduating was the most difficult thing I had to do. I had little to no help, big expectations from the board and little freedom on what decision I could make. Myself already being anxious about what I will do in the future and this major giving me panic attacks in the making did not help focus and do it right. I wonder would it have been better if I majored in something I loved but was kind of useless, than something I hated but what is seen as practical and marketable.

There really isn’t a right answer there. Not everyone needs to love their job, but some do. Some people are fine without a steady paycheck, or without a large paycheck - but some aren’t. Any decision that involves the future like that is going to be a gamble. And I guess I’m at the point now, with how fast the world and the economy is changing, that trying to guess what will be practical and marketable ten years down the line - isn’t nearly as sure a thing as it used to be.

From what I’ve gathered, thesis can feel useless. I knew a guy who paid someone to write it for him, and honestly with my own experience I wouldn’t care about ethics of it now and would have rather done that if I could have a chance. In the end, how exactly writing your last paper, thesis shows your skills? Sure, you can follow academic paper writing rules, you can use computer, you can read and gather information from research papers, and you can ignore your anxiety and interview people, interpret their answers and have enough skill in a language you are using to not only make sense but follow all the rules. I guess you can use the skills somewhere; I am just talking myself out of this idea. Wait, if someone who never majored in your area and does not have the skills you worked for, can write you a paper and write it good, it’s not an excellent way to evaluate someone.

Yeah, Snake secondary for sure. And what can I say, you make a compelling case. The structural problems in academia, the classism, the behind-the-times - it’s very much still there, and there are lots of people who can talk about it much better than I can.

My friends were busy with their own stuff, my family were far away and with a big generational gap, professors didn’t help and then evaluated me strangely. It was really hard to see a person I knew for a few years, liked, wanted to impress be against me. Sorry I am tired, but I really needed to write something, and this seemed like a good thing to occupy myself with. Off course, I don’t know how you feel about academic unfaithfulness, but from my perspective, my experience was shitty enough that I wouldn’t give a flying sausage if there would be a next time, especially if I did everything else the right way. I really don’t know how much it was me, because it was me in some ways, but I still think my supervisor didn’t help me, but was ready to judge me. She probably felt she wasn’t paid enough to deal with my problems then. Right. You know what I want to do now? I want to never look back, never get back there, and never even touch this major. I want to leave it in the past and start anew. I want to be able to choose and not be tied to it.

Spoken like a snake secondary. And no wonder why you seem so tired. Also, being treated badly by your advisor is going to hurt anybody... but ESPECIALLY a snake primary.

Thank you for your time. Have a great day. Or night.

I will. :) Thanks for writing in.

#submission #sortme #wisteria sorts #shc #sortinghatchats #snake primary #snake secondary #lion vs snake secondary #double snake #neutral snake

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raccoon-eyed-rebel · 2 years ago

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Part 24

Masterlist

Series masterlist

Part 23 🍂 Part 25

Pairing: Syverson x ofc

Series summary: Life with Sy, what more can you wish for? The most amazing husband and father to a whole litter of cute little kids... Sometimes you wonder "how did you get here?"

Chapter warnings: Sy's big-ass family.

Word count: 1.3k

A/N: @keanureevesisbae, as promised, I bring thee: Ch 24. I'm making y'all wait for 25 until I have 27 written. Sorry ❤️

@deandoesthingstome @geralts-yenn @omgkatinka @summersong69 @beck07990 @peaches1958 @sillyrabbit81 @ellethespaceunicorn

Jules started her little speech by thanking everyone for showing up at her engagement party, and thanking you – and Sy – for letting her use your house, which subjected you to the scorn of your mother-in-law again. Alright; subjected Sy to the scorn of his mother again. You were largely unaffected by the aforementioned scorn.

“As you may know,” Jules continued, “Pat hates being the center of attention for the whole night, and I’m a sucker for planning surprises for people.” You felt Sy tense up next to you as she said that.

“And it just so happens that someone very important to all of us…” Jules was laying the praise on thick, which Sy didn’t seem to appreciate. It took you far too long to realize where she was even going with this. “… turns thirty next week.”

Sy looked at Julie as if he wanted to shoot her straight to hell, and you sighed, as there was now officially no way you could make yourself scarce. There was singing, then another round of singing, specifically because Sy had begged everyone to stop singing, and following that had to be an attempt at the World Record for ‘most consecutive times a single person could hear the word ‘congratulations’ before going batshit crazy.’

You surprised Sy’s family with a sudden outburst of Dutchness when you congratulated Sy’s parents with Sy’s birthday, and were then forced to explain that it was a thing the Dutch did, without being able to give any kind of even half-decent reason as to why. Finding out you were Dutch also meant that a small army of kids now forced you to teach them some Dutch words, which started out cute, but soon turned into the inevitable ‘translate this swearword for me’-fiasco anyone with any braincells would have seen coming from the beginning. All in all, it took a while for things to settle down a bit again, and you were glad when the kids had disappeared back into the crowd.

“Love kids, but thirteen of them is a lot.” You said to Sy when he helped you find a place to sit down for a minute.

“I’d ask if you’re feeling any better yet, but I don’t think that whole circus really helped,” he said as he stroked a few curls out of your face and tucked them behind your ear, where they immediately escaped again, making Sy laugh. “Let me get you a drink.”

“Thanks, Sy,” you said, grabbing his hand as he got up to head to the kitchen.

While Sy was gone, you closed your eyes, and tried to ignore everyone around you, which became impossible when Mary Beth joined you on the couch.

“Lara, sweetheart, would I be a whole lot of trouble if I asked you to hold Lainey for a minute?”

“No, of course not!” You hadn’t even finished your sentence, or the little girl was in your arms.

“Thanks, honey,” Mary Beth said softly, “I love her to bits, but my arms are gettin’ sore.”

“I can imagine,” you said. Lainey was adorable. Nine months old with enormous blue eyes, and little hands and feet and… Her mom was gone. Probably off to the bathroom, but still, you prayed she’d get back just in case Lainey decided to start crying…

“Hey, how’s my favorite niece?” Sy sat down next to you and wrapped one arm around you as he tickled Lainey with the other.

“I thought I was your favorite niece, uncle Sy?” One of the other girls had heard what he said and jumped into his lap.

“Y’are,” Sy said, “and so are the twins.”

“That’s not fair,” one of the boys yelled. Suddenly, you were being ganged up on by children. It was scarier than you would have imagined.

“You’re not my niece, Johnny,” Sy answered with a smile, and the kids laughed at their uncle’s terrible joke before disappearing again.

“You said somethin’bout this lookin’ good on me, Sugar,” Sy said softly as he pressed his lips to your temple, “but I gotta admit, it looks pretty damn fine on you, too.”

You allowed yourself to get lost in that feeling for a bit. It was like a little glimpse into your future; sitting on that couch with Sy, holding a baby…

“Dammit, Sy, I want one,” you heard yourself say, although you were sure you’d never made the conscious decision to actually speak the words. In fact, you’d never thought you’d hear yourself utter a sentence like that at all. Ever. The look on Sy’s face said it all, but he doubled down on it with words.

“As many as you want, Sugar,” he said before kissing you. The loving and intimate energy of the moment was skillfully destroyed by half a dozen children yelling “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew” the moment Sy’s lips touched yours.

“Good Lord, you’d think it would traumatize them forever,” Mary Beth said after shooing the kids away. Now that her spot on the couch was taken, she sat down in the chair next to you. “I’ll take her again, if you want.” She held out her arms, but you really didn’t want to let go of Lainey just yet.

“It’s alright, she’s asleep, anyway,” you said. Mary Beth seemed more than grateful to have her hands free for a bit longer, and you didn’t mind that you got to cuddle with this cutie a little more. Besides, your stomach finally seemed to settle a little, but you still hoped that holding a sleeping baby would keep people away from you for a bit.

It all went on like that for quite some time, and by the time people started leaving, you’d been praying they would for at least three hours. Sy was merciless in kicking his brothers – who were now fairly drunk – out of the house, and with them gone, peace was restored. Wait, no. Scratch that: quiet was restored. Peace, to you, was a house that didn’t look like a miniature tornado had ripped through it.

“Take a shower and go to bed, Sugar,” Sy said. He could clearly tell you still weren’t feeling very well – and he was one hundred per cent right about that, it’s just that you’d much rather he join you for both of those activities. “I’m gonna help Jules clean up this mess.” Jules didn’t look too thrilled that she was being roped into cleaning duty – something she had surely hoped to avoid by not hosting this party herself, but you knew she wasn’t so stupid as to actually expect she’d be let go just like that. Even with Sy’s mom doing you the courtesy of stacking the dishwasher before she left, there was still plenty to be done.

“Since when does your family leave deviled eggs uneaten?” Jules asked while she carried a plate with two sad-looking eggs back to the kitchen. “Lara, want one?” As soon as she held the plate out to you, you stepped back. Julie made a whole scene out of pointing out you loved deviled eggs – as if you’d forget that – but with your stomach as upset as it was right now, they just made you feel sick.

“Let her go upstairs, Jules,” Sy said. There was definitely some irritation in his voice, and you were one hundred percent sure he wanted Jules and Pat out of the house as soon as humanly possible, so he could get to bed, too. “She’s not feeling well. Just… help me clean up my damn house.”

Jules followed his orders immediately, which was a very un-Jules thing to do, and you made your way upstairs. First stop: bathroom. The thought of a hot shower was almost excruciatingly appealing to you right now.

#syverson x ofc #syverson #captain syverson fanfiction #captain syverson #syverson fanfiction #syverson fluff #cpt syverson #syverson fic #henry cavill characters #henrycavill fanfic #henry cavill fanfiction #henry cavill

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thefemcelthatdeservesbetter · 7 months ago

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That's not me

I hate looking at the mirror. I don't understand what i see in it, it always changes form and look. It's so weird. Came back from school and looked at the mirror. That wasn't me. It doesn't even look like the me i usually see, that i hate. The me i saw looked even uglier. It's so hard to not understand how you look like. I don't know how i look. I'm insecure about it, and it makes me lose so many opportunities. I always try to comfort myself, thinking "oh but maybe that's not the way you see yourself, after all cameras and mirrors distorts in some way reality!". That's what everyone thinks. That's what everyone says. But if that could apply to me, those people wouldn't mock me.

I hate them so much. It's really all their fault, no matter how i look at it. If they didn't laugh at me, I'd be maybe able to or better at taking compliments. Their sarcastic "you're so pretty" are ruining me. Because of them, when people tell me that genuinely and honestly, i find it hard to believe. If some people say I'm cute, and some others taunt me, how am i supposed to feel about myself?

It's so hard loving yourself when you initially do not, and people worsen it. Why is it me that should be targeted if I'm already not doing alright? Why can't they choose someone able to stand anything at all??

I hate my body. And I'm starting to hate it even more. I'm so thin, my breasts are almost inexistent. I don't understand the shape of my nose. I feel like my eyes are divergent, but they're not. Sometimes i feel like my lips are too small. Sometimes it feels like they're big. Sometimes my head is triangular. Sometimes round. Sometimes oval. My jawline is sharp, and soft at the same time. I don't understand anything at all.

I miss having boys crushing over me, in elementary school. I don't know what went wrong. Did something even go wrong? I want to know at least if all this worry is only a delusion. Why do i look so different from when i was 5?

My mom showed me an old picture of me and said "oh! See how pretty you were?" I know she didn't mean to sound bad, she didn't even notice it. But I'm sure she did feel it deep down. I wish i could stop worrying about all that. I wish i was perfect. There's nothing good about me. I'm thin. I barely have any breasts. I don't have a pretty voice. I'm not intelligent. I'm not good at speaking. I don't have a personality that anyone would go for or one that would compensate all the other flaws. All i do is listen to music, complain and draw. I'm not even good at art, and anyway art isn't real, being an artist is not a positive trait, it's only a way to escape reality, as we are not satisfied with it.

I wish i was like those stupid girls online who post their "I'm just a girl🎀" bs. They're pretty and they know it, so whatever how much they're toxic, weird or creepy,, it doesn't matter. They're popular and have many friends but act like they're weird. Romanticizing "weird kids". They're attention seekers, aren't they? I am too, and I'm not ashamed to say it, I'm desperate for any kind of attention. But they're not just that, they're whores!!!! I hate most girls. I could say i hate women. If they didn't exist, i wouldn't have to compare myself to them everyday. But i wish i was like them so i could carelessly be a bitch and get away with everything because I'd be pretty!!!!! They start ignoring you once you don't entertain them anymore smh. And beware of the trans people that overly use ":3" and "I'm just a girl 🎀" while saying they're NOT female. Like... Where's the logic in that? It's not even funny. And they have such a huge victim complex. They'd affirm that they have "abandonment and attachment issues" then leave you for no reason, without any justification and still believe they're the victim.

I wish i could be raped. That way I'd be sure that at least one person finds me attractive, no matter their age. I just want a male to say I'm pretty and to take care of me.

But i can't, because all the boys are already stolen by them sluts. Even when their single, they wouldn't even consider you as an option because their standards are oh so high.

Life is unfair, really unfair!!!!!!!!! is jacking off the only way to escape from this nightmare??!?!?

why do i have to be so stupiddddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!rr

#stupid post #shitpost #femcel #i am miserable #tomoko kuroki #pathetic loser #neurotic #incel

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emiliehaunted · 11 months ago

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you’re not going to be famous Emilie, grow up, no one cares about your “ad” videos that no one asked you to do, your only twitch viewer is the boyfriend you stole like you did with your last bf, we all know your photographer is your mom, you’re obsessed with likes, and whitewashing is a form of racial discrimination. You always need to get attention all ways possible, even with your fake suicide attemps, and then you wonder why I didnt care that you “tried to” kill yourself lmao stop begging for money and find a job like every person in this planet, grow up, there’s meds for migraines in case you didnt knew.

Hi! First, why taking your precious time to send me an anon hate message? If you don't like me that much just ignore my content and don't be so pending about everything I do. As simple as that.

I am going to answer this just because this message sound exactly as previous ones I've received in this cowardly way, and because I have nothing to hide.

The past few months I've been lucky enough to have some collabs with different business from outside my resident country (and I still have a couple more I am waiting to sign/for the products to arrive). The "no one asked you to do" is kinda a silly statement considering the companies asked me to do it and paid me to do so??? I literally sign contracts for that???

I know I am not a huge Twitch streamer, and it's fun you also know that because it means you took the time to research that as well. But I don't truly mind because I mainly stream for my boyfriend, so he can watch and comment. And if someone else can join then that's great! If not, then that's okay too! Even still, thanks to streaming I've met great people online and I've been able to sign some of the contracts I said before.

Oh, and I didn't steal him or my previous one. They had girlfriends before but were not in the best terms. Either way that's not a subject I should talk about; they are the ones involved, so they should decide if they want to speak out loud about it or not. And I just know one side of the story anyway.

I never hide the fact that my mom is the one who mostly takes my pics, and I actually love that because it has helped us to reinforce our bond while we travel to different places. Why would that be a bad thing? I haven't been able to collab with other photographers lately because I rather edit the pics myself and that's something they usually don't like. And also I am not always in the best of health/mood to go outside so it's hard to schedule a meeting.

I do like and tend to edit my skin to be paler, but that's a form of art, a way to express myself. I don't think I need to get into details about how I decide to create art because if you don't get it then it's just not for you.

Obsessed with likes? Sometimes, sadly. Not for attention, but because I wish people could connect more with what I do, and I could have more clients as photographer. But that's it.

It's so sad that you claim that someone faked a suicide attempt. In my case I don't care anymore because I've learn to being dettach from people like you, but your words could actually hurt someone, which I know it's your goal here, but that won't make you feel better at the end. I don't have to prove you, or anyone, anything. I know what I've lived, my closest ones know what I've lived, my doctors know what I've lived. I could show you the meds I take, my medical record, my hospital bracelets, but even then you wouldn't believe it so what's the use?

Again, I take the time to answer because I have nothing to hide. I am an open book and if my story helps to someone else to survive a living Hell, then I am glad I've shared it.

Hope you find a way to stop hating people to the point to feel the need to write a message, and just live your life. That's not good for you, or for anyone~

#anon hate #anon #coward <3 #bpd #borderline personality disorder #mental health #trigger warning

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plumsaffron · 5 months ago

Text

Cherry Crimson Brine Part 2:

What or Who You Found (1 of 2)

return to Crimson Brine 1 Part (2/2)

return to the beginning

Link To Every Part Of The Brine Here

Otherwise Ignore Links above and continue onward

Somewhere in Paris

NPC employee: Have a nice day. Marinette: Mhm. You too. leaves the store Marinette: I got that and now I will just- She stops (It's her again) after 20 seconds ????: My Angel... She's missing. It's been months. As Marinette gasps Marinette: (Is there a connection between her

and the other one Adrien was talking about. And the first one?) Marinette: Who is this Angel? I might know what you’re talking about. ???: She is like your height with heels. She wears a reddish jacket, leggings, and a polka dot romper. Marinette: (No it can’t be…! That “Angel" she’s referring to is that “Liar.”).

???: What happened? You look mad at me now… Marinette: Oh no I’m not. There was something else on my mind. ???: Is it about my little Angel? Marinette: No (Why am I lying to her? No I can’t be doing this. I have to-) ???: I tried asking around. People are avoiding the question or saying she’s a terrible girl or liar. Some said I should be fired for being her mom and that she was going to ruin many people’s lives. Is it true? Many are saying she’s a horrible person.

... …I hope she’s okay. Marinette: Sheeee. It’s not true. I will do whatever I can to make sure she’s safe or find her safe and sound for you if I see her first. ???: Thank you she leaves a bit more with relief than earlier Seconds after, once that mom left from her vision, she falls on the floor Marinette: What have I done? Remembering what she said to Chloe About Lila Meanwhile Adrien is discombobulated by the revelation Adrien: (Lila) Does sign language to ensure her that Ladybug and Cat Noir will bring her Angel back few minutes later Nathalie: Are you okay, Adrien? You look like something is tearing you apart. Adrien: It's nothing. I just need to lay down. Placide I.T. starts shifting gears Adrien: I don't think it's that dire.

Besides, I think going too fast will mess with me His bodyguard takes things calmly for his sake

Hours later Adrien: We were too hard on her. Marinette: You weren't I was.

I made her go away and it's all my fault. Adrien: Don't blame yourself.

None of us knew things would get like this. Marinette: It feels like it is. If I just wasn't so opposing to Lila.

Maybe she would have had a good summer.

Maybe we could have actually been alright. Maybe she could have actually stopped Chloe's evil ways if I hadn't been so me.

You need let this pain go and move on.

All we can do is hope Ladybug

And Cat Noir can bring her back safe and sound Should we get our friends to help us?

Marinette: I prefer to keep this between ourselves.

I don't wish to involve them in this. Adrien: You really do follow what you say. Marinette: Wha uh….What's that suppose to mean? Adrien: You stay true and pure. Marinette: Still…that Hawk Moth is going to be causing trouble.

It makes the search harder.

If only there was someone to help us figure out and end this.

Adrien: What about that Aeon?

Marinette: Oh my gosh, my dear Adrien.

That Might Actually Work!

Why didn't I think about this?

I'll tell Ladybug this.

Thank you so much!

Kisses his head and leaves

30 minutes later Ladybug: Thanks for taking me to New York, Pegasus. Pegasus: No problem. I'll just be waiting for you to hopefully recruit Uncanny Valley or Aeon to finally stop our enemy once and for all. And it's all thanks to our friend, Adrien. Sometime later Pegasus: Perhaps I should have got a smoothie or tried Dan’s Hot Dogs. I kind of thought this task would be quickly fulfilled. Ladybug: We’re back. As they see him chilling on the ground staring into space Uncanny Valley: (You must be the boy known as Max Kante but we've met before) She's writing that to his glasses somehow Pegasus: I see so that's why Adrien suggested you Pegasus: So you are completely available to join and help stop Hawk Moth once and for all? Uncanny Valley: (Of course I am. And yes, I will be keeping secrets and then erasing my knowledge of every heroes identity once I return home) Uncanny Valley: (Mother also holds much prestige of your work. She's really impressed how someone young as you can do so much. Maybe my builder and you can work together and create incredible things in the future.) Pegasus: I'll keep that in mind. Now talking to him normally

Uncanny Valley: Just know time for fleshy beings is slipping and- Ladybug: Um stopping Hawk Moth? Both: Right, right. Pegasus opens the portal back to Paris

Later Cat Noir: So how are we gonna get Hawk Moth to spawn to here. This villain seems to never show up. Ladybug: SHOOT! Ugh! Why didn't I think about that!? Uncanny Valley: You better find a way to make use of me cause I will have to return soon. Ladybug: I need to think. Sighing Sigh Pegasus: What is it? (edited) Ladybug: We are going to have to do something very bad. I think the only way to draw our enemy out is to terrorize the town and fight each other. I just didn't want to do this. Everyone we are protecting. Cat Noir: Yeah I don't like it either but if you truly believe this will draw Hawk Moth out, then this might be our chance to bring peace to Paris and then we can bring out true peace to the world. Pegasus: It's for the greater good, as Marinette would say. Pegasus: Hopefully you can get enough of our friends here on board. Uncanny Valley: I'm confused.

You want us to be what people call “baddies," to trick this villain…. But then I would be hurting people. I would be a villain. Ladybug: You won't be but everyone else will be. Them: Huh?

Uncanny Valley: I don’t follow what you mean? Ladybug: I'll explain in more detail.

Uncanny Valley: (This must be one of those exception scenarios that humans make. I recall doing this but not to this degree. Would Jess do this…? She might...)

Advance To The Crimson Brine Of Lila 2 Part 2 of 2

#Miraculous AU Or Whatever 6 #The Crimson Brine Of Cerise #ML AU #Marinette Dupain Cheng #Adrien Agreste #lila rossi #max kante #cat noir #uncanny valley #plumsaffron

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kirblovestopoyo · 1 year ago

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I want... To talk about Cathal. And a song I have been thinking about. And how I have been thinking about them together in an animatic sort of thing. they are rotting in my brain. The song in question is ES by Crying, and I'll be giving a sort of explanation for each lyric and how they relate to Cathal to me. Also also, mmmmost of this stuff will be headcannony stuff / my interpretation so not all cannon. ya!!! It will all be under the cut because I do not feel like having a mile long post

"How does the world perceive me, perceiving myself?" - I feel like most of the cogs that work in the Sellbot Building and know about Cathal think that he just sits in a cozy chair all day and twiddles his thumbs and can get away with it because he's the VP's kid which isn't. Entirely false. But there's a sort of deeper layer to that me thinks. It's not that Cathal won't do anything, it's that he can't, cause he has no motivation. It even says somewhere officially that when properly motivated, Cathal is awesome at doing stuff!! He's just not motivated ever. And I feel like they know this and just. Don't know how to change it or fix it or what to do about it, because he doesn't have that motivation.

"All I care to do is sip on beer and chocolate milk" - mmmm sammich

"I'm frightened more than usual lately / I do not translate into / One of the boys / Lotus flower or chinita" - This sort of anxiety in the back of his head that we never really get to see I think; that he'll never be "as good" as someone like, say for example, Graham or Mary. Lots of comparing himself to other people because he thinks he isn't as good as them because he doesn't do as much

"I'm just ES" - They think they're just Cathal, and not anything better.

"I would rather nap than wonder restlessly" - I know sleeping isn't really his thing, but I feel like it's something he still does to pass the time. Something equivalent to this could be watching tv. Both to ignore stuff like worries.

"Will you ever be impressed by me?" - Papa VP is always proud of Cathal no matter what he does (or what he doesn't do, for that matter), excusing him from missing parts of his job, and cheering him on to do better. But this little part of Cathal wonders if his dad will ever actually be impressed with him one day as a person rather than just his kid (if that is what's happening, at least)

"Mom doesn't think I fit into the darling archetype / But that's an ancient pair of jeans" - Mom being. Dad here but same thing still applies. Also not the fault of Papa VP here but I feel like he sometimes does some unintentional comparisons between him and Bobby Jr. (my only explanation for this part is that VP is one of the higher ups so I feel like he would know a bit more about Robert than some of the other normal cogs running around). The "Darling Archetype" and "Ancient pair of jeans" in this scenario being that the kid of a cog in business also has to go into business, since we never really get any clarification on if that's a set thing or not. I know Cogs are like. meant for business stuff usually, but they're also people, and sometimes people don't want to do what's considered "normal", so who's to say there isn't a cog out there that wants to live a different life? nudge nudge

"My thighs are / Crafted holy / Rolling thunder / Forget the numbers / Forget the numbers please" - Okay this one is absolutely my own personal headcannon but I like to imagine that, even though it probably wouldn't work out in cannon, that Cathal is the one who always ends up repairing his dad. His dad being,, not dead. being the motivation behind it, since rebuilding a cog that size is pretty tremendous, plus it would explain a some of his fatigue (imagine every day having to rebuild your dad from scratch. yeah). The "crafted" part being his dad because he's gotta get built!! And "forget the numbers" being Cathal who just wishes his dad would forget about all the business stuff so he could stop dYING EVERY DAY

"Every god damn family reunion / Someone's got something to say / 'How did ya become this way?' / As if I've made a mistake" - Sorry I cannot imagine. Cathal having a family. his only family is his DAD (/j) but genuinely the "family reunion" in this scenario being probably a sort of business meeting with him and all the other cogs talking about,, whatever. Graham is probably the one that always bugs him about something, since everyone else seems to be on somewhat okay terms with them.

"Meanwhile they slaughter the cake" - the cake being ,, Cathal's dad. and they being the toons. and slaughter being pushed off a ledge. you get what I'm saying right. I feel like there's been at least one meeting where VP's been pushed off a ledge while a meeting has been going on and Cathal just had to sit there the entire time

AND THAT IS ALL. if you have read up to this point, than you genuinely so much for reading this, it means a lot to me, i hope your day is going / went well :-]

#cathal bravecog #multislacker #ttcc #toon town corporate clash

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coffeeman777 · 6 months ago

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I have a bit of a silly dilemma, and I don’t know if you actually have any advice for it, but, I thought I’d try asking anyway.

I lie a lot. I know it’s wrong, and it’s about the dumbest thing. I read a lot on my phone, and sometimes it’s books I own, sometimes it’s books I borrow from a library, and sometimes it’s fanfiction. And when I’m reading fanfiction, and I get asked what I’m reading, I lie about it. I don’t read anything objectionable, I’m just embarrassed and afraid people will judge me, and by people I mean my mom.

I love my mom but she can sometimes be a little bit judgy. She really strongly dislikes any and all fantasy/sci-fi and has made it clear to me. And by fantasy I don’t mean game of thrones or even harry potter, neither of while I’ve touched or have any interest in, but like… she doesn’t like the animated disney princess movies. Like, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. She doesn’t try to push her convictions on me explicitly, but I can still feel very judged sometimes by the ‘ick’ way she reacts to things. I struggle with legalism and scrupulosity and find myself trying to follow my mom’s standards and convictions for right and wrong, and I really have a hard time knowing where the line between ‘honor your father and mother’ and ‘don’t do anything that could cause a brother to stumble’ and just straight up legalism is.

That to say, I guess I can’t know for sure, but I think she’d really disapprove of me reading fanfiction sometimes, or even just think it’s super weird. I wish she just didn’t ask me what I was reading, but if I say that I’m afraid she’ll think I’m hiding something or doing something wrong. I guess I just don’t want her to think bad of me, and whether I tell the truth or brush it off I’m afraid she will, so I claim I’m reading whatever book I last read or recount one of my favorite books I like to reread when she asks me to tell her about it. I know it’s hurting me spiritually to lie, especially when I’m making excuses to myself over it, which I do far too much. And it’s a much bigger issue now that I’m visiting home from college over the summer and am already getting asked much more frequently than I have, because I’m around now. I don’t know what the right choice is. Do I be honest with her? Do I ask her to stop grilling me, even though I know she’s just trying to make conversation? Do I cut this out of my life? My instinct is to cut it out, especially since I don’t want to. My anxiety tells me that self-denial of everything is the most morally right way to live, and I know that’s flat out false. I’m afraid if I cut it out I’ll end up in the cycle I’ve been in before where once I start cutting things out of my life, the next thing I know I’m convinced that if I don’t get rid of or donate everything I care about or like the smallest bit and spend all of my time either praying or reading my Bible I’m going to Hell. When I enjoy something, I worry that must mean it’s sinful or an idol or both and I need to purge it all from my life, now. But I don’t know if I’m just making excuses for myself and saying ‘oh it would be legalism to get this out of my life’ in order to keep sinning. I just… I don’t know what to do, but I don’t want to keep ignoring this sin in my life, no matter how small I tell myself it is, even though it’s easier to pretend.

Heya! I don't think your dilemma is silly. Little stuff like this can cause big problems. It's important that we be able to consistently apply Biblical teaching to all areas of life.

My position on honoring your parents is this: when you're living with them, obey them. Even when they're being ridiculous and unreasonable. The only exception to the rule is your parents telling you to do something that's against God's commands. But in all other matters, obey them patiently, even when it means a personal loss. This greatly pleases the Lord.

Now, when you're grown up and out of the house, you're no longer beholden to your parents. You still deal with them respectfully, still look out for their well-being, but you're free to live your own life. Obey the Lord according to your own convictions, and within that constraint do what you want. When you're around your parents, apply Romans 14; for the sake of your mother's disposition, do what she likes. Don't read anything she doesn't like, or do anything else that violates her convictions, not because it's sinful if you do, but just because you love her. That way you're honoring God's commands and loving your mother.

I hope this helps!

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saintsir4n · 7 months ago

Text

2. She’s having a maybe

"MY existence was a strategic plan from my parents. They wanted an heir, not a child." Winnie exclaimed staring at her mother's name come up on her phone.

"Are you malfunctioning? trauma dumping isn't until after midday," Ginny looked at her with a slightly concerned expression as they drove to school. She stayed over at the Dubois estate, something that she tended to do during the week and she couldn't help but notice how more turbulent her 'friend' was being.

Caesar who sat opposite them couldn't help but notice it too, even behind his sable sunglasses.

"Just a thought," Winnie shrugged, ignoring her ringing phone. Her mom would have to wait until the school day was done.

The blonde lightly scoffed, "A depressing one and I haven't had my breakfast Xanny yet."

And that was what it took for Winnie to face her, "Wow and here I thought Wolfe was stuffing you full of diseases, is pills all part of the arrangement?"

Ginny rolled her eyes, "I was taking pills before I started seeing him."

"He's enabling Twink," Winnie gritted, more irritated than amused by her own words.

A laugh escaped Ginny's lips, "Can you even say that?"

"I'm gay... need I say more? Besides it's only me and you. Caesar is not even a person. No offence," Winnie didn't spare the man a look.

"Non taken miss Dubois," Caesar said in his infamous emotionless voice.

"You should stop seeing him." Winnie went on to insist.

The blonde made a face, "It was your idea that I start fucking him. He's the easiest to get info. He's like the gossip girl but —"

"Gossiptwink?" Winnie interrupted, turning back to her phone.

Sure it was her idea for her favourite blonde to start fucking Max Wolfe but she didn't realise the influence the man could potentially have over Ginny.

Ginny shielded her mirth with her phone, "That was actually very funny but I won't laugh because my phone is always listening."

"Then it's against interracial friendships," Winne quipped, typing away at her screen.

"True."

Winnie turned to her again, wearing a smirk, "Now, let me tell you my plan for little Z."

___

Usually, Winnie never gave attention to poor people, sometimes she wished for a rapture or some sort of natural hazard to solve the overpopulation in her city of New York but knew it was somewhat evil, so she kept those ideas to her dreams and decided to give to charity. Whenever she gave money away everyone knew, it was plastered all over her social media.

So today she wanted praise but also to get under Julian's skin and what better way to do that than to use her little sister as a pawn in their game of chess?

"I'm sorry, we are part of the big sister- little sister programme at Constance?" the big brown-eyed girl rambled sitting outside in the courtyard opposite the Dubois heiress, completely stunned by this turn in events. They were only waving to each other a few days ago, "There's a type of programme like that at this school. I'm surprised it sounds so... normal."

"It is," Winnie agreed, staring into her eyes with her infamous shades.

Zoya gestured between them, "And we're paired together?"

"Yes."

Winnie adorned her soulless smile, and unfortunately, the 14-year-old was too naive to see through it. Perhaps it was the heiress' pearly whites or her dazzling jewellery that served as a distraction.

"It's an old programme, everyone used to do it," lie. "Now only two people can do it a year," another lie. "Me and you Zoya," Winnie emphasised her name, gaze unwavering.

Many onlookers gawked at the pair as they strolled by with their hushed whispers.

Zoya eye's darted between the heiress and a few people standing behind the glass by one of the entrances.

Winnie chose to hide her impending smirk and turned to see Julian, Luna and Monet staring, no, glaring at the pair. Winnie's iris' sparkled with glee when she glanced at the trio, eyes zeroing in on Monet for a second and wiggled her fingers in their direction before turning around.

"Don't worry little Z, where your sister has so callously abandoned you in the ruins of this tedious school, I'll take you under my wing."

"That's not necessary."

"Oh, but it is. You want your college application to look outstanding don't you?" Winnie finally took off her shades, revealing her dark eyes to the 14-year-old who shifted in her seat.

"This will help?"

"I'll make it help. Not like you need too much of it, colour me shocked how often you're mentioned in that little Twitter blog that's captured everyone's phones recently."

"Gossip Girl?" an awkward blush kissed Zoya's cheeks, "it's annoying, don't you think?"

"I was shocked when it started up... again," Winnie waved off the semantics. "Also pleasantly surprised. The city bores me, so I tweet things, say whatever."

"But you're words carry weight, you must know that," Zoya wasn't blind. She knew who Winnie was and warned how she could be. The spider necklace was a big enough omen. "My sister says you're a Venus flytrap personified."

Winnie huffed out a chuckle, "Lovely and incorrect. Truthfully I don't even like flowers."

Zoya knew to be wary, but it was the first time in days she was having a genuine conversation.

"All know is, gossip girl is now on Twitter, it's not the best. Potentially the worst, I think."

Winnie picked up her shades and concealed her elation, "Well it's chaos gossip girl wants. It's better to be on the battlefield than hiding in the trenches."

Zoya's face was a picture of pure confusion, "I don't think..."

Winnie clasped her hands and picked up her bag, "Now come, I have tennis practice."

Zoya blinked in shock, "I have theatrical photography."

"You're excused. Come along. We have tennis."

Winnie stalked away, not bothering to wait for Zoya to panic and follow behind.

___

Zoya didn't know that she was in Winnie's little WiniWeb and it was only a matter of time before she would be squeezed so tightly until her guts were on the floor.

And what better place to start the ruining than in the tennis court designed for the heiress to win?

Zoya nervously gulped and her eyes doubled in size when she saw Winnie emerge from the changing room in a mulberry-coloured two-piece tennis sportswear and hair in a tight bun.

"Cute right?" Winnie uncharacteristically giggled and twirled on her feet, before gesturing to Caesar for him to gather personalised equipment. "Let's go."

Zoya flinched when the bald man appeared, "Was he here before?"

She struggled to keep up with the heiress, her legs weren't as long and her strides were short and jittery.

"Don't mind Caesar he's my bodyguard," Winnie replied, stepping outside and continuing on their way to the tennis courts.

"Of course, you have a bodyguard," Zoya mumbled to herself, "Shouldn't I get changed or something, I mean you see prepared to play tennis."

"You're not playing. You're watching me," Winnie replied, fake battering her eyes at the girls walking past. 7s on a good day, but it's all about charity, she thought.

"So why am I here then?" Zoya couldn't help but think of the possibility of her grades slipping and she only just transferred.

"To learn about each other, problem?" Winnie kept her gaze on the tennis court coming into view.

"...No."

"I can and will advise you, it's not hard," lies were rolled off Winnie's tongue today, completely unprovoked and she loved it.

"What about lunch? You eat right?" Zoya finally matched her speed, avoiding the looming presence of Caesar.

"I don't eat. It's slows me down."

Zoya gawked, "Really?"

Winnie forced out a laugh, "No. I just eat when no one's around."

"...okay."

"But today, I'm changing up from my usual seats. My friend Ginny and I are going to be dining on the MET steps," Winnie noted Zoya's silence, "What's wrong?"

"Doesn't Julian sit there?"

"I don't know, I don't notice the things she does and doesn't do," Winnie falsely stated, "Now, ask me something."

"Are you sure you want to do this, that you want to talk to me? If it's for college submissions, couldn't you're parents just help you with that?"

A smirk tugged at Winnie's lip, "Are you suggesting they'd pay to get me in?"

"You tweeted that a few years ago." Zoya explained, holding up her phone, "I checked when you were in lockerrooms"

"Glad that you're using some initiative. And yes, I tweeted that in like what? 2017. I was 13. Looking up old tweets is a bit outdated don't you think?" Winnie questioned as they ended up at the tennis courts.

Caesar motioned for one of the ball boys to get everything ready.

"I'm getting to know you," Winnie caught the smug look on Zoya's face.

So the heiress nodded, "Likewise."

After entering the court, Zoya sat on the nearest chair, monitoring her mentor as she warmed up. She didn't know what to do with herself. She was warned by many to be cautious especially since there were one or two buildings with the Dubois name splattered across, so pissing off Winnie was the last thing she wanted to do.

Winnie started dribbling the ball with her racket, surprisingly listening to the questions flying her way as a few students came onto the court and practised a bit further away.

"You're still surprised that I'm mentoring you, how else would we talk? Friend me on Goodreads and call it a day? I'm a sapphic bitch not a stereotype Zoya."

"You're gay?" Zoya's expression almost drew a genuine laugh from Winnie.

"No, I gave up boys for lent. Yes, I'm a lesbian, shocked?"

"No, it's just that I've seen some of your content and..."

"I don't advertise my life to the world only the parts people need to see. Ask anyone around here, they know what I am."

Zoya felt sympathetic to a degree.

Winnie disregarded any feeling radiating off the young teen and nodded at Caesar who gave the sign that ball boy to start up the ball machine.

With every swing of her racket, another question flew her away.

Winnie pretended not to be interested but she needed some dirt. Previous schools, favourite foods, restaurants even music were mentioned before the topic of birthdays came up, she noted how that was a sensitive topic for Zoya, very sensitive.

"Your birthday's coming up right?" she asked, holding up her hand so a ball boy paused the machine.

"How do you know that? – no, never mind, don't tell anyone. I can't have gossip girl finding out."

"You don't like celebrating your birthday. It's a day for about you," Zoya glanced away as the Winnie spoke. "That's interesting. I love celebrating another day on this pathetic planet. Another year of winning at life." The young teen's brows furrowed, "I would spend my birthday with the love of my life but I haven't found them yet," Winnie did her best to look sad, and luckily it worked. "So hopefully I find a rich 10 so they can celebrate me, always."

Zoya laughed despite herself, "How extremely self-centred."

"Aww, you're learning," Winnie paused, "Everyone in this life is out for themselves darling."

"Not everyone."

"Maybe in the town you're from, but you'll learn soon," Winnie said with a shrug.

"Learn what? That I should just give up on everyone, everything? What about our people?"

"Well, that applies to half of you," Winnie pointed out, much to Zoya's offence, "Besides I do plenty for our people. I spread awareness about the truth," she said halfheartedly.

And that certainly wasn't the truth.

"And what is the truth to you?"

"Equality is a fantasy they teach the working class to yearn for and the upper class to laugh at. It won't ever happen. It's unfortunate I know."

"Well, that's offensive, wow, like all of that," Zoya gesticulated, taken back by the things that were being said. It was against her principles entirely.

"It's the truth," Winnie feigned sadness for a moment, before dropping her racket and facing the girl, "now moving on. I'm surprised by your type," Zoya was getting verbal whiplash, by the change in topic. "Normally straight people don't interest me, with anything they do. But you and Obie, I think I'm more disgusted actually. You're a child right?"

Before Zoya went to reply her attention was drawn to the man in question, he stalked over to the wired fence, smiling awkwardly at the girl after waving goodbye to Aki who skated away.

Winnie suppressed the urge to gag and trailed after Zoya who was doing her best attempt to flirt with the boy.

"Have you come to dip your German sausage in another Halfrican, Bergmann?"

Zoya's eyes went wide.

Obie mustered up a smile, "Hello to you Dubois."

"We're busy," Winnie gestured between her and the young teen.

Obie turned to the freshman, "Blink twice if you're here against your will."

Winnie rolled her eyes and allowed Zoya to answer, "No it's a part of this programme big sister little sister thing we're playing tennis."

"Go easy on her," Obie wasn't going to beg but he was asking very nicely. He knew exactly how the Dubois heiress could be when it came to competitive sports.

Zoya blinked in shock, glancing at Winnie, "Are you that good?"

"She could be the next Serena. Wait -- not... I mean –" Obie's rambling was immediately cut off by Winnie.

"It's okay I would usually issue an extremely xenophobic insult by comparing you to one of your people but pronouncing German words is appalling to me and I'm having company."

Winnie's rebuttal had the other two shuffling around.

"As lovely as always," Obie mumbled.

Winnie cast a glare, "Careful racist."

"I am not — Zoya have a nice day and I'll see you later," he got out of there, leaving the young teen to think over her entire life.

"Did you know that Groomer actively rounds up people to protest my parent's company?" Winnie turned to Zoya, "His performative activism is tiring. He knows he won't get arrested, he's white, so I guess half of you will understand. But trust me you can do better than your knight and white saviour."

Zoya knew she should've left at that point but something within her told her to stay. How someone could entertain yet offend her in only a few words surprised her.

"Winnie!" the duo turned to the right, both seeing a blonde make her way over. Ginny wasn't pleased in the slightest. Walking in heels every day was a privilege, one she could afford but hated using more than energy, "Lunch is approaching."

"Don't you have philosophical art?" Winnie raised a brow at the blonde huffing on the other side of the cage.

"Do you have my class schedule on your phone or something? How do you know this?"

"You've got to stop asking me that," Winnie paused to introduce the two girls, "Meet Zoya Lott, Gin. Zoya, meet my best friend Ginny Wellington."

Zoya almost flinched at the roughish glint in her blue eyes. She was everything the young teen imagined. Even after doing deep dives across their shared platforms, it was true. Ginny Wellington looked like a test tube baby.

"I would shake your hand, but I touch freshman. It's against the law," Ginny plastered on a smile.

"I don't think it is," Zoya scrunched up her face, "And there's a wired wall separating us also."

Ginny waved her off, then turned to her friend, "Can you hurry? The court is making me sweat."

"You're not doing anything," Winnie exclaimed, feeling sweat forming on her face only adding fuel to her irritation.

"Neither are you and I'm hungry."

"Do you play any sports?" Zoya bravely interrupted their bickering, inquisitive about their bond.

"I don't do anything that requires effort. Pillow Princess over active Avenger any day," Ginny beamed at Zoya's expression. "but whenever the image of boys I've dated pops into my head I will pick a tennis racket and smash it until I'm only holding the handle."

"That's umm...cool."

Winnie snickered to herself.

"It's not. I'm leaving. Winnie texted me. Freshmen, look both ways before you cross the road," Ginny blew a kiss at the pair of them both strutted off, leaving the unexpected duo.

"What the fuck was that?" Zoya breathed out, keeping her gaze on the blonde who cackled her way through the crowds.

"Advice. Preteens like you should learn to look both ways," Winnie insisted.

Zoya squinted her eyes, "I'm 14."

"I'm not repeating myself. Now watch me play."

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

(@WinnerD posted)

(tagged @alottazee )

love it when fans watch me practice tennis

@alottazee you almost hit me with a ball

↳@winnerd alls fair in love and tennis

↳@alottazee that's not... nvm

@G.wells illegal to be with a freshman!

↳@alottazee still not true.

@winniesbiggestfan are you doing charity work?

↳@duboisfanpage must be, i doubt julian's little sister is in the highest tax bracket

↳@ginnyandwinniefaves ikr

↳@winnerd be nice.

↳@ginnyandwinniefaves sorry winnie, we love you.

↳@duboisfanpage don't let her touch your skin

↳@winniesbiggestfan you're amazing, all that charity work, it's inspiring.

limited comments.

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(@gossipgirl just tweeted)

Cosying up with the enemy? Who'd of thought little Z had it in her, but then again, she did make a scene at her sister's fashion show so what's spending time with her opposition? Let's see if it'll be game set match for the heiress or is she and CJ going to rally until there's no winner at all. But you must know there will always be a victor and it's only a matter of time.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

From: M

you cannot be serious. mentor really?

freshmen aren't to be fiddled with,

you'll have to get rid of that thing quicker

than lori harvey drops her guys.

don't ignore me, you're always on

your phone.

fine. but expect punishment.

Winnie cracked a smile, but it soon faded when she caught a glimpse of her mother's penetrating stare.

"Did you hear what I said, or is that phone a distraction?" Margaux inquired, taking a bite out of her salmon.

Dinner was always a quiet occasion, Winnie always checked her phone, preferring the company of those residing behind their screens than the two people who dragged her into the world. Their table was vast, each parent sat on opposite ends, whilst she ate in the middle. Glances were exchanged and only thuggish remarks were said.

"Oh I heard, you don't want me to embarrass you," Winnie settled down her fork, no longer interested in the food, her hunger for war of words was far greater. "You'd think you'd stop repeating that after 16 years."

Margaux then picked up her glass, squinting her eyes at her daughter, "Straighten your hair again."

"It's straighter than I am or is that not enough?" Winnie jested.

"I'll call in the stylist, a silk press will make your face more natural looking."

"Do you want my hair to fry?" Winnie no longer recognised her curl patterns and wondered if they even existed anymore.

"Listen to your mother," her father's voice had her head snapping towards him, but she didn't care for his downcast stare.

"Don't I always?"

Luc averted his gaze and kept eating.

"I listen, I absorb all of your knowledge and advice Mom. Don't worry, my hair will be professional, not unruly or unkempt." she flashed her mother a vicious smile before picking up her phone as a hateful silence clutched them once more.

___

Julian sent the maid a quick smile as she strolled into the vacant and cold halls of the Dubois estate. It was a house, never a home and yet she adored the aesthetics of it all; old but not rustic, the building aged like fine wine and yet the contents of its people were maturing with every task they were given.

"Miss Calloway, it's awfully late why are you here?" the influencer turned towards the familiar voice.

Margaux eyed the girl as she walked into the foyer, still adorning her afternoon attire. She sent nods to her security, letting only a few vacate the area.

"Mrs Dubois, nice to see you again," Julian plastered on a warm smile, not like that mattered to the woman, "I was wondering if I could speak to your daughter? It's only 9 o'clock, I hope that's not a bother."

"It is," Winnie's voice drew them to the stairs as she slowly descended them, keeping one hand on the rail until she hit the last step, "but I'm here to talk, don't worry we're out in the open mom, I'll keep my hands to myself."

Margaux grimaced, taking in her daughter's revealing appearance and walked away with the rest of her security team trailing behind her.

"It was nice seeing you again Mrs Dubois," Julian called out.

"She can see through your manic pixie girl facade darling, there's no need to lie," Winnie exclaimed, tugging on her sheer gown, covering her nighty, "So tell me why you're really here."

Julian's smile dropped the moment they were alone, "You brought my sister into this," she motioned between them, "You have to leave Zoya out of this."

Winnie snorted, "Lol Why? You didn't. You pulled her into your life. She would've been protected from our battlefield if it wasn't for you. Come on WhoLian, it's only a bit of fun, who knows she might even learn something. Kidding, she definitely will."

The frustration on Julian's face made a smirk tug at the heiress' lips.

"What do you want out of this? This feud has been going on forever."

"Yes, back before you're crush velvet headboard was on show for everyone to see," Winnie remarked, eyes twinkling with mirth.

Julian reeled back in offence, "I did not have crush velvet, God, what will it take for you to drop this?"

"Don't pretend that you don't thrive off the chaos surrounding us. It's a drug for you as it is for me, but luckily for you, it can't be snorted," Winnie chuckled when her opposition stepped closer. "You're holier than thou act is slipping and what I want is for everyone to see."

"Not gonna happen."

"It will, just like all those leaks to the blogs you sent out that got me cancelled the first 3 times," Winnie raised an expectant brow.

Julian shook her head, "Your words carry weight, Winnie, your cancellations were on you."

Winnie's eyes rolled, annoyed by the statement that mirrored Zoya's a few hours prior. At least the freshman doesn't sound as slow as her sister.

"You insult a few people and all of a sudden you're made out to be the next Churchill. Everyone's sensitive, just like you. But don't worry, people still desire me."

"And that's all that matters? Desirability? Is that why you sat on the MET steps today, above us with your little sidekick?"

Julian wasn't the first to notice the power play, Monet was and made sure everyone caught a glimpse of the rivals stepping on their territory. It was more aggravating than sickening, nonetheless, the Calloway girl took it personally. It was trending, gossip girl added fuel to the fire. But the Upper East Side was a blazing inferno, everyone would get burnt at some point.

"Yes to look down on all of yours," Winnie was quick with her retorts, wishing she could've captured the expression on her face but living in the moment was more pleasurable.

"I don't have sidekicks, I have friends, friends that love me. I have fans who love me. They relate to the shit I upload, post and say."

"Something you need to learn is that the people don't want relatable. They want desirable. No matter how many times I've been cancelled, how many scandals me and my family have been in. They can never delete me. Get rid of me. I will always come out on top." The conviction of Winnie's voice brought a scowl to Julian's voice, "Huh — the desirables a good name for a brand — I'm getting off-topic. You will never be rid of me, nor will the world. Now if you allow me to get back to torturing... tutoring your dear sissy, have a lovely night Jules. Try not to snort too much, I want a coherent opponent, not the next Courtney love."

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

(@gossipgirl tweeted)

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, Charles Dickens wasn't wrong about that. What we're witnessing is the battle of New York's finest or should it say most prosperous. Eat the rich and will Julian take a bite or be captured by a web of lies at play? You should know followers, I'll find out all, because you'll tell me all. Haven't you heard knowledge is power? And I'm omnipotent. xoxo, gossip girl.

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"We have to get to school Monet, I know couples squabble, but not before 8 am, how did you get passed my mother?" Winnie questioned, standing in front of her mirror, analysing every detail of her attire, whilst her... situationship sat on her bed.

Monet shrugged, although warmth spread through her chest, "She likes me."

"She doesn't like anyone," Winnie lightly scoffed, side-eying the girl before her eyes landed on her exposed legs.

Monet followed her gaze and teasingly pulled up her skirt, "You don't like anyone and yet you say we're a couple."

Winnie tensed, internally cursing herself for not realising sooner, "Common mistake, I won't make it again."

She missed the frown flashing across Monet's face as she picked up her phone to see Caesar informing her that it was time to leave soon.

Abaddon from the other side of the room caught the De Haan girl's attention, it was brief, his whining was growing louder and yet the Dubois heiress didn't bother to glance his way.

A twinge of guilt pinched at Monet so she turned back to her... lover? Or Ally? She never knew.

"I never said I had a problem with it. But we're not together, since I can't be seen with those who socialise with nobodies," Monet stated, standing up from the bed she loved to revel in.

"It's self-interest Mon," Winnie finally turned to her, suppressing her envy at the Senegalese twist cascading down her back. How pretty. "You serve Calloway and I serve me. Zoya stays."

Monet swatted away her fingers that played with her hair, she loved it and yet she couldn't let pleasure take the place of strategy.

"No, she doesn't. She needs to be exiled. She has to be, it's the new order," she snapped.

"It's a shit order, she's stays," Winnie wrapped a bow around her lifeless strands. "Be honest, you despise Zoya because she's a threat to your leader."

Monet hissed, "You like her because she's a threat to Julian."

"So? I have never denied that. Besides, I have my plans."

"Care to share them?"

"This isn't how this works and you know that. Ammunition for lady kisses. That I know you can't resist," Winnie taunted, earning a frustrated sigh.

"No." Monet had already plotted with her trusted friend Luna to exile the freshmen, it would work, that's what she told herself, it had to.

"What do you mean no? I told you what's gonna happen and it will," Winnie locked eyes with Monet.

Neither looked away, because neither of them could, drowning in pools of desire and craving.

"Or else?" Monet rose a fierce brow.

"You'll see," a playful laugh escaped the Dubois heiress, "Let's do what we do best, you pretend to like me and I'll be unbothered by you showcasing your smooth legs to anyone but me."

"Sure... pretend," Monet scowled and stormed out of the room, just before Caesar made his entrance.

"It's time?" Winnie asked knowingly.

"It is Miss Dubois," he nodded and took her bag, "Will Miss De Haan not be joining us?"

"Not today, but perhaps soon," she spoke through clenched teeth, "let's hope I don't have to speak to more than 7 more people today, if I do, you know what the outcome will be?"

"Terrible."

"Precisely."

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

a/n:

the girls are fighting! winnet/ monifred are not together but they sure act like they do, lovers on opposite sides, but their ambitions get in the way every time. i love writing them, almost as much as i love writing winnie and zoya, such an odd dynamic but it's so funny. it reminds me of what the writers did with blair and jenny before ruining them.

zoya knows to be cautious of winnie, i mean who wouldn't be, she lies easier than she breathes.

there won't be a truce between julian and winnie any time soon, for several reasons, one being that there'll always be a war between the two, or more importantly, winnie will always have to fight against someone. whether it's her mother, her father or gossip girl.

#wattpad #fanfic #black reader #black girl #catfight gossip girl reboot fanfic #catfight wattpad #monet de haan x black!reader #monet and winnie #winniedubois #catfight gossip girl reboot wattpad

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starnightlover · 2 years ago

Note

Hello star, can I confide in you please , I am in need of advice and reassurance

I just raed a post of yours ir was an ask from someone several weeks back. This person talks about struggling to improve their sc and how their siblings are treated better and they are treated like shit. I think they also said they would never wish that on their siblings and how everywhere they go they are ignored and stuff. And I resonate so much with this that I hate to even admit

I know I am the creator and I know about loa and stuff still my sc is bad. I totally get their pain when they said about being treated worse than others. I know how shitty it feels. I will tell you about yesterday we went to a party and met other family members abd all that and again my sister went along with my other cousins and I am awkward and nervous coz its always been this way. If I try ti say something everyone acts like it was stupid or just ignores. Then one of (my cousins husband came along saying to my sister "she us my fav sis in law" and introducing her to everyone around calling her his fav. I know its such petty and stupid things to even think about but I felt really bad I was right there. My mom always sides with her and talks oo me like shit a lot if times.

I remember once 2 or 3 years back I was sitting on my couch and I said my skin looks so dull and then my dad said out of nowhere stop being jealous and youll be fine { he meant it pointing towards my sister as if I was jealous of her and he said in a way more mean and rude tone. Idk how to express that feeling but I was so shocked as it was so random. Back then I had none of these problems. I didnt even care if anyone treated my sister better than or shit like that. I was fine in my sc and had fun wherever I would go and life was so much better. My parents were the only ones who would compare me to my sister and say look at her does she ever demand for stuff or does she refuse to do this and blah blah and at that I time I could have cared less coz I knew for a fact that I was not wrong in voicing my opinions and thats why they always compare me to her (if I ever felt bad about their behaviour and expressed it to my parents they would call me toxic, or my head is filled with negativity while all I was doing was letting them k ow how hurtful their words can be ). I remember that day when I heardmy dad say that about me it hurt me so bad idk how to explain but even today when I recall it feels like I am getting physically stabbed AND after that I got so concious of every little thing I started comparing myself to ger and with all the circumstances I went through these years my sc just got even worse.

Now when I try to work on my sc I feel like I cant be the best, or good enough , or the most beautiful or all those things I want because I dont deserve it yeah but my sister does. I am stuck at home so I have to face this everyday. Like all these things are reserved for her. All I wamt to have is the best sc I dont want my sister to experience any shitty stuff and I dont want to be the one to experience it either. I sometimes get so angry on her in my mind and I just get irritated and I hate being with her coz I dont want to feel less than and looked down upon and then I feel guilty for feeling this way.

You might dislike me for saying the things I did but I really dont know how to get rid of all this. I dont want to be ignored or sidelined or treated like some third or 4th option or always getting shit from my parents. I know I have to affirm and persist or states but how do I even maintain it seeing the 3d it all feels like such a lie to me.

I see so many people manifesting weightloss and df and db and so much more. Even people who say they were horrible at manifesting and stuff like that they did it so quickly and I struggle to even manifest biscuits.

First off, I want to say I am so sorry you have gone through these experiences! You deserve the world and nothing less, hell you deserve the whole universe/multiverse! You wanting to change your self concept is a huge step! I know you are in hard circumstances but you are still in control, you are still limitless! You can manifest anything you can ever think of!! You are NOT limited whatsoever! You're amazing, talented, beautiful, worthy, loving, extraordinary just because you exist! You are the first choice because this is your reality! Pick yourself up and know you are chosen because you said so!! Recognize your limitless power! You have the power to bend all of reality t your will, realize how amazing and powerful you truly are! YOU ARE THE GOD OF YOUR REALITY!! Isn't that amazing? Don't blame yourself for everything that has been told to you or that you have gone through, you are not your trauma! I advise you to not identify with the 3d! The 3d is merely a reflection of your imagination. You fulfill within your imagination and the 3d has no choice to reflect that. Your emotions don't manifest, feel them all you want! Cry your eyes out, as long as you are not identifying with the outside world but with your imagination, which is the true reality you can not fail! YOUR DESIRES ARE INEVITABLE!! Nothing, I repeat nothing has control over you! Not your family, not your friends, not your 3d, not a single thing has any power over you! Failure does not exist you will always win! You can change your self concept by starting to identify with what you desire and not the unwanted circumstances! Change your conception of self because the world is merely a reflection of thyself. Change your assumptions towards manifesting! Change your assumptions to you always get what you want, people treat you amazingly, you are always the first choice, you manifest anything instantly! You need to change your conception from having such assumptions and identify with your power and awareness! You can maintain a good self concept by persisting in the dominant assumptions that align with your self concept being at a peak! Remember you are in control, you got this!

#law of assumption #manifestation #neville goddard #anonymous asks

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secretly-sapphic-confessions · 2 years ago

Note

I have been needing to get this off my chest so Im so happy I found this blog (I have been looking for a wlw confession blog for a long time so I must thank you!) TW: HOMOPHOBIA, CURSING (only a little bit) As someone who Is a closeted lesbian in a homophobic family, I have to hear phrases like "Lesbians are disgusting animals!" or "LGBTQ+ is a sin!" or "These people are pathetic and sad and have no value in life!" every day. It always makes me wonder... what would happen when I come out (if I ever actually.) Would they stop these comments, would they treat me as a human, would they apologize? Or would they do the complete opposite. Will they treat me like the "disgusting animal" that I'm said to be? Will they kick me out? Will the day that I come out also be the day my life is ended? Its so fucking hard. My own family unknowingly call me the most disgusting things. I have to hear everyday that "I'm not normal." and how I am a "Sad pathetic person who has no value." Why am I like this? Why me? I hate being a lesbian, I wish I could like men but I just cant. Its getting way to hard to handle, sitting with my mom at night, wondering "How quick would my life change if I said the 5 words, "Mom, I am a lesbian."

My dear Anon, I’d like to begin with thanking you for your ask! It takes a lot to speak up about your problems, even anonymously, so thank you for trusting me with this! <3 (And I’m so glad you found the blog too! I was looking for one too and couldn’t find one so I’ll just do it myself, I’m here to serve)

I’m very sure I don’t have to tell you that those are harrowing things to hear full-stop, never-mind frequently. And Anon, i assure you that you are absolutely none of them! Never ever! Being part of the rainbow gang can be messy, overly idealised and just downright exhausting, but all through your journey you will never be an example to fit next to their false beliefs. Remember, what they say comes from a place of ignorance and centuries of corruption, it’s neither their fault nor yours, but that doesn’t make it anywhere near okay for you to be exposed to. Keep affirming yourself, you are strong, so so brave and beautiful!

As for you wondering about coming out, sometimes you can never know what the outcome will be until you do, but I will say this-

You may have heard this advice before, but I will always reiterate it as many times as possible to keep my kin safe:

never come out in a potentially hostile environment against your better judgement until you can sustain yourself, or have someone to fall back onto in the worst case scenario. (I must especially stress this if you’re young and still dependent on family for essentials/getting to a stable future). It’s absolutely crushing to think that some of us still have to hide ourselves, especially to the ones that are meant to love us most, and for that I apologise to you endlessly for your struggling, you don’t deserve this anon and it’s not okay. absolutely none of this is your fault. We’re here for you. However, if that wondering does get to you and you feel that you would be safe with your family post coming out, I would say go for it, if it’s something you want to do! (always remember you owe coming out to nobody, though! I personally never came out to my parents lmao, I just brought my then girlfriend home and they didn’t say anything, but I’m lucky that they were accepting.) I also have a few friends where their families who have been previously been horribly homophobic have changed their tune considerably after learning their child/relation is LGBT+! Sometimes homophobia does just come from a place of misinformation and normalisation, so it’s good to give them a chance to do better, nothing is set in stone when you’re willing to learn! And at the end of the day, they should always love you for you first, even if they don’t agree with the way you choose to live your life.

Unfortunately I’m someone who has also gone through hating my sexuality, so trust me, I know how it feels. But I’m primarily here to tell you that you can come out the other side of it! It may take time, and it’s going to be hard, especially around people who think differently, but being a lesbian is BEAUTIFUL! You are absolutely STUNNING anon! For just being you! And I say that with the backing of my whole heart! God choose you to be gay because you’re one of his favourite designs, you’re too good for men, trust me! ^_−☆

I sincerely hope that you’re doing okay, and that this resonates with you even a little. This isn’t just your weight to carry! My asks, submissions and even DMs (if they work) are always open for you if you’re in need (or even if you’re not, don’t be shy!) I hope my blog can come to be a safe space for you and many other likeminded individuals. (I promise there will be more content soon haha, Its a lot to work on as a new blog)

Always remember there’s a whole community behind you, and an even more loving and devoted sub-community of Wlw and Sapphics who have gone through similar things, and we’re always here to support you!

My best wishes for you going forward, I know you’ve got this!!

it will get better

~ sappho

#answered asks #sapphic confessions #wlw #tw homophobia #tw swearing #lesbian #sapphic #asks

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notebooknonbinary · 2 years ago

Text

An entry from the Journal of Will Byers:

(Tw for suicidal thoughts)

Sometimes I feel like I’m nobody’s first choice. I know my family loves me, and my friends care. But I just feel like there are people that everyone prefers over me. Especially these days.

I’m not expecting to be the favorite child—I don’t want to be the favorite child. Though…going from mom’s “baby” to the middle child is…an adjustment. Being expected to look after El Jane El is not a bad thing. I love that she’s my sister now! She’s awesome! But…I don’t know. Is this how Lucas felt after Erica was born? Or how Mike felt after Holly?

God…Mike…

It’s so, so selfish of me…but I miss being his favorite person. I miss when we were little and could hug and hold hands without people looking at us funny. I miss when we could talk about almost anything. I miss when that was easy.

He hasn’t replied to the last four letters I sent. The first few I guess I just assumed were lost in the mail. But he and El have been writing back and forth. So maybe he’s just ignoring me…

Whatever happened to, “Crazy together,” Mike?

What happened to, “Best thing I’ve ever done”?

Now it’s “It’s not my fault you don’t like girls” and radio silence.

It’s not exactly helping with what’s going on in my head.

Dr. Owens said that with PTSD, I’m at a greater risk for depression and anxiety—as though I wasn’t already anxious before my life was permanently fucking ruined.

I saw him before we left for California— “A check-in check-up” he called it.

He asked if I had been having thoughts of ‘hurting myself’. I told him no.

I lied.

There’s no way I’d tell him that sometimes I wish I’d died in the Upside Down. Or after my possession. Dying would be so much easier than having to live with this stuff.

…

It’s not like I’d actually do it. I couldn’t do that to Mom and Jonathan, or to El. Or to Mike the Party.

Guilt doesn’t stop the thoughts from happening though…

…I’m tired. Think I’ll skip dinner and go to bed. Maybe I’ll feel less awful in the morning.

#will byers #stranger things #don’t ask me what this is bc I don’t know #vee fic #(not really. this doesn’t even count as a Drabble lol)#tw suicidal ideation #pre season 4 #byler #sort of #unreliable narrator #(bc we all know Mike was trying to call will but the phone lines)#wrote snippets of this sometime after I watched s4 and was having a pity party so decided to vent through Will #as to why I’m posting this now? 🤷 totally didn’t have a meltdown and finish this while crying shut up #course I think I’ll schedule this so no one knows when I was having my meltdown. I don’t want anyone feeling bad #vee attempts to write #not part of my fic series. but doesn’t contradict it

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gnattyplayssims · 5 months ago

Text

1963 Pt1 - On the Roof

It was a rainy day near the end of fall and Ava was sitting outside the bar trying to kick raindrops. That was how Nikolas found her when he showed up that afternoon. She smiled and waved but didn't stop swinging her legs as he came to sit beside her.

"Hey kiddo you out here all by yourself?"

"Yeah." They fell silent for a moment watching the rain fall. "Where's your mom?"

"On the roof."

"Can I go up?"

"Sure can I watch?"

"What?"

"If you disturb her during her 'personal time' you must have a death wish. I wanna watch."

Nikolas gave Ava a few Simoleons to buy some candy up the street instead and climbed the stairs to the roof. Despite Ava's warning, he was not prepared for what he found. "Sofia?" She didn't answer and he knelt next to her taking note of the level of juice in the bottle. "Sof?"

Finally she turned to him, a desperate look in her eyes that sent a shiver through him. "Heeeey Nik!"

"You cut your hair."

"Yeah." His words seemed to sober her just a bit. "I'm sure you hate it."

"No of course not."

"Sometimes it easier, right." Her voice broke and he nodded

He took her face in his hands. "I liked it better long."

She took a shaky breath. "If you shave all your hair off I'll throw this bottle at your bald head."

He let out a sharp laugh, "Then don't force my hand. You have no idea how much I worry about you."

"But you left."

"You told me to get off your roof."

She lifted the bottle to her mouth and took another big gulp. "I didn't mean it. I...I was angry. I didn't mean for you to stay away."

"I know. I'm sorry I didn't come back sooner."

"My mom hates it...she says I look like a boy."

"Watcher! Has she even looked at you..." He trailed off catching himself before he strayed too far.

"It's fine. It's better this way. I don't want to be beautiful anymore. Beauty is what started all this. If I had been ugly...maybe..."

"No Sof, don't you dare go there."

"Then why? Why did all this happen to me? Am I really only good for my body? I'm clearly too stupid to recognize when I'm being used. Even you couldn't keep your hands off me."

"That's not fair. You kissed me."

"But you enjoyed it didn't you?"

"Yes."

She hiccuped tearfully.

He sat next to her. "Just because I liked it doesn't mean I expect anything from you. I just want you to be happy. To know your own mind."

She was silent for a moment. "I don't know if I've ever had my own mind."

He chuckled, "You did once. It's still buried in there somewhere"

"I don't know how to find it."

"Well for one...maybe stop with this."

He reached for the bottle but she jerked it away from him. "What are you doing?!"

"Come on Sof. You don't need this."

"Yes I do! I don't want to feel any of it!"

"How are you going to heal if you're numbing it. That's not how healing works."

"Maybe I don't want to heal! Maybe I like being miserable! Get off me!"

Her words struck him hard. Had she said those words to others...and been ignored? He tried to back up but it was too late

He fell on top of her, her face so close he could feel her breath on his face. She looked up at him with a juiced grin. "I knew you wanted more"

"Stop it." He jumped up quickly grabbing her wrists to pull her up. "We're not doing this. I told you not to twist it and I meant it."

She frowned as he lifted her to her feet and she stumbled, too drunk to stand. "I can't"

"Then I'll have to carry you."

She didn't protest but when he picked her up her mind rebelled, spiralling through undesirable scenes...a pool, Don naked, Magnus pressing her against a mirror

She cried out "No put me down! I'll be good!"

What was she even saying? "Sofia you have to stop or I'll drop you on the stairs." She was breathing hard by the time he cleared the landing but he hadn't dropped her. He wrapped another arm around her securely. "We're almost there."

She remembered how Don had jostled her as he climbed the stairs, curseing at her and eventually thrown her on a chair...she didn't want to think of the rest. Nik held her securely and spoke to her softly as he lay her gently on the bed. Slowly, her breathing steadied.

"You okay?" She nodded but there were tears in her eyes and her breathing was still too fast. "I'm sorry. I'm not sure what I did, but I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault. I'm just broken."

His eyes scanned the room as she lay down. "What happened?"

"I burned them."

"You burned the pictures of Ava?"

"I don't want to remember anymore. Not Mathias, not Don, not...Jameson." She breathed his name in a whisper. It was the first time it had passed through her lips.

"And us?"

Tears welled in her eyes. "I thought you weren't coming back."

He took her face between his fingers, "You can't lose me that easily." She tensed her breathing becoming rapid again and he let go of her face. "Damn what did I do?"

"Nothing, it's fine."

"No I did something."

"I just don't like when you touch my face like that."

He nodded, "I was trying to be funny"

"I know, I can't control what my mind is going to do"

He smiled a little. "What?"

"I knew she was still buried in there. I see her when you speak your mind like this. I see her in the way you love your kids cause you're a damn good mother."

He took her hand gently in his, pressing his fingers against her wrist, feeling her heartbeat steady as he spoke, "Cause that's who you are Sofia. You're kind and passionate and determined, and full of dreams. You lost your way...but I know you can find it again."

1963 Pt2 - Return to the Carnival

#mizrahi legacy #dandy generation #decades challenge #sims 4 storytelling #ts4 storytelling #ts4 legacy

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