#if you can know to the depths of ur soul that you could never support trump then you can understand how some of us would never support bide

[river--sea]

@dotmatrixnudes is absolutely correct. Donald Trump has been regularly throwing the word Palestinian at Zionists as an insult. We aren't stupid; we are fully aware how absolutely awful Trump is.

Biden is awful. Biden is awful. You cannot say "Oh, his policies are more progressive," if he doesn't do anything with the policies. His stance on abortion is more progressive than Trump's, but did he do ANYTHING to support women's rights? His policies on immigration are supposed to be more progressive than Trump's, and yet Biden has been funding the fucking border wall and aiding to the border crisis and deporting people left and right.

I'm from the South, so let me tell you something right now: governors are already implementing EVERYTHING Trump wants. Louisiana, right now, just mandated displaying the 10 Commandments from the Bible in every K-12 classroom. Florida is banning every Pride-colored anything from existing. Educational criterias are getting Whiter and Whiter. Abortion rights are non-existent, with some governors trying to get birth control fully banned, too.

Biden's president right now. Why hasn't he stopped any of that? If Biden is so progressive, if Biden is such a stark contrast from Trump, why has everything fallen to such shit?

Your problem isn't that Trump has disgusting policies. Your problem is that YOU might actively be impacted by his policies. Under Biden, those same policies are coming to fruition, but more subtly. Under Biden, the only consistent and obvious example of fascism is the literal genocide massacring my people. I'm ignorable, you're not, so you can shrug off the genocide and complain about the fact that I'm too disillusioned to fall for the same 4-year trap that you believe in.

to be honest it would make me a lot more comfortable if you guys would show a little concern about trump running for president again. Do not inbox me and say you don’t like joe biden omg i already know. but can we show a little concern. about donald trump. being the republican candidate for president. for the third election in a row.

[kae-karo]

fic writer interview!

i saw @prince-liest do this and thus i will take ur 'tagging anyone who wants to do this' seriously lmaoooo (also hi btw hope ur well!!! 💜💜)

How many works do you have on AO3?

ahaha,,,,,159 lmao

What's your total AO3 word count?

fdsjkkjlsfdklj as of today, 2,089,769

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

only three fsdjkldslfkj the phandom (dan&phil), bnha, and genshin!

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

chosen (x) - zhongchi (genshin)

to love (and be loved in return) (x) - kaeluc (genshin)

little bird (x) - dabihawks (bnha)

feet don't touch the ground (x) - xiaoven (genshin)

i knew you were fire (x) - dabihawks (bnha)

honestly none of that surprises me except that little bird is still up there, although i think i owe that to sif (@the-final-sif) for sharing it around the time it got posted since it was partly inspired by her raptor stress grip post!!

the rest are all chaptered fics, which is mostly what i expected to be in the top 5 lmao

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

yes!!! always!!!! no matter what u comment, i will respond!!! and if i don't, it's probably cause ao3 didn't notify me properly or i didn't see it in my inbox or something

as for why, it's mostly to do with like...i know how hard it can be for some people to comment, even just a bunch of heart emojis or a 'i loved this!' or something short and simple? and it means a lot to me that ppl are going out of their way to say something nice, no matter how small, and it's really really important to me to acknowledge that

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

hmm,,,,,this is a hard one, cause for a very long time, my policy was that my fic would always have a happy ending? and for a long time, that was true!! but the dabihawks interaction (during the raid) broke me, and from an emotional standpoint, i think freeing icarus (x) is probably the one that has the angstiest ending of the two or so that i wrote in that time?

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

u know i really haven't written any crossovers? it's normally not my thing cause my brain typically focuses on a single thing and doesn't really have the capacity to think about more than that, so i end up writing just au-style or fusion-style (shoutout to that one bnha but it was scooby doo fic i wrote - x)

i don't think i'd be opposed to writing a crossover but i'd have to be SUPER inspired by the idea and both fandoms lmao

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

aha yes, i have. the only straight up hate i've received was on a kaeluc fic (surprisingly not because it was kaeluc, but bc i was 'mistreating' kaeya in the fic) - to be entirely fair, the commenter pointed out something that i hadn't realized myself, and it led to a second piece of the story that helped me tie up some loose ends, but...let's just say they weren't very kind about their feelings lmao

other than that, i had someone very upset because i didn't tag which character was bottoming in a fic (valid if that bugs u!) and they read through most of it before getting to the smut (and said that they enjoyed everything up to that point) then said they were 'disgusted' by it. i have opinions on that and a few other comments they made, but i will keep them to myself lmao

and beyond that, just a few ppl on my xiaoven fic saying that they were unhappy about the background kaeluc (which is tagged lmao) - really no hate whatsoever til genshin, honestly, which is...very hmmmm :) lmao

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

yep!!! mostly vanilla or vanilla-adjacent lmao i'm not super into heavy kink, although i know if epi reads this she's gonna call me out for being a monsterfucker bc of my dragon!zhongli smut :) lmaoooo but really i tend to write pretty vanilla smut! i also prefer to avoid any noncon/dubcon or hate sex or anything particularly angsty, just not my jam to write!

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

hmm i don't think so? although i don't heavily monitor ao3 (or wattpad/ffn), so i can't really say that for sure lmao

Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes!!! i've had a few fics translated to russian (little bird is one of them!) which is very sweet and i hope that anyone who prefers to read in russian has been enjoying those fics!!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

alksdfjklsdf only once, and it's deadass how me and rose got together. we decided to co-write a podcast au fic for the phandom (x) and ended up flirting via google docs asldkfjkldsfj

What’s your all time favourite ship?

what a horrible question, making me choose between my children like this!!!! sdlfkjdskf tbh i'm not sure i have a real answer bc it changes as i go? and 'favorite' is so vague,,,,,favorite to read? to write about? to think about? asdklfjkjsdfk i really don't know if i have an answer, but i'll maybe say kaeluc for now lmao

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

well first and foremost, with only 2 exceptions, i never post a fic unless it's done. i tend to follow wherever my passion leads my brain, so i'm notorious for jumping around between stories and taking breaks from long fic and returning later on to finish them, and i know that i would not do well under the pressure of posting something unfinished and trying to finish it in a timely manner

that said, many wips sit in my google doc folder, but one is Well Known as the one that has followed me through both the phandom and bnha (rose keeps asking who i'm gonna switch the chars to in genshin, but i think it suits bakudeku too well to do that) - only the lonely survive. it sits at like 36k in my wip folder, and i adore the story dearly and i want very much to finish it, but it never makes it quite to the forefront of my motivation, and so it rarely if ever gets worked on...i hate the idea of 'never' finishing it, but it's unfortunately quite likely that i won't 😭😭😭

What are your writing strengths?

emotion!!! and immersion!!! it's my goal in a fic to make it as immersive as possible and saturated with emotion to help convey that feeling of being in the place of the pov character, and i think i do it pretty well. also just bc i feel a little obligated to say it - another strength is actually sitting down and putting words down. i know that's a struggle for a lot of writers and i often get,,,,lovingly bullied? i guess? lmao for being able to bash out a few k in a day most days

What are your writing weaknesses?

this isn't so much a weakness i guess but i am basically incapable of treating crack fic as crack. if i have a cracky idea, it will, without a doubt, end up turning into a Perfectly Serious fic somehow (notable 'crack treated so seriously that it's no longer crack' fics include: todoroki doing the freeze-the-ocean thing from frozen 2, 'shmigaraki', todo and denki get together bc of vine references, the league sells feet pics, shiggy and natsu own a nightclub/bakery, scooby doo but make it bnha, and dabi getting his ears pierced at claire's)

but in all seriousness, i think my main weakness is that i often get comfortable? and i'm not one to typically push myself forcefully out of my comfort zone when it comes to stories that i come up with on my own, which often means that ideas inspired by discussions with others are what prompt me to branch out and try new things?

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i think, like anything, it has its place? there are certainly stories where it makes sense to do that and even adds depth to a story, although i personally am not exceptionally comfortable enough with other languages (except maybe asl) to do that in fic myself without the assistance of someone very comfortable with that language lmao

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

the phandom! not really my jam to write rpf anymore but it definitely got me started and i'm really grateful for my time writing there, as everyone was super supportive and kind, and it was really a perfect place for a beginner to get comfortable and practice

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

again, forcing me to choose between my children...i really don't know that i can pick one fic bc they all exist in such wildly different spaces? i poured my worldbuilding soul into the king of disaster series (mainly dabihawks - x), exile (dan and phil - x) was my first massively long fic, our hearts are heavy burdens we shouldn't have to bear alone (chayea - x) is probably my favorite character/character dynamic study, i'm exceptionally proud of the smut in chosen (zhongchi - x), the list goes on and on and on lmao like. i could probably list half my fics as favorites in some regard dsflkjdfsjkl

anyway, tyty bellamy for putting this on my dash so i could do it as well!!

tagging: literally anyone who wants to do this, i have so many writer friends slkdjfjklsdf but please please tag me if u do it so i can read urs!!! 💜💜💜

[xnchxntmxnt]

Hi Spencer!! Ahhh I hope you’ve reached 200 by the time you get this! It’s been so amazing watching you grow and your works have brought lots of comfiness into my life 🥰 thank you so much for creating and writing and making one of the most aesthetic blogs I’ve ever seen (hehe love the constellation aesthetic) sending lots of positive vibes and appreciation your way 💕

For the matchup event (ahh it’s my first time ever doing one and I hope I didn’t put too much 😱) thank you in advance 💖

Name: eggu

Pronouns: she/her

Preferred partner: open to anyone

MBTI: INFJ

Horoscope: Aquarius

Aesthetic: light academia, soft, oversized sweaters, korean street wear, fandom merch, white and pastels, 4:00 am talks about life, stars and clouds

Some things about me:

I took piano, dance and martial arts lessons growing up and I still enjoy playing piano a lot

I enjoy playing video games on my spare time (I’m currently selling my soul to genshin impact)

I really love music of all genres but I’m currently really into kpop and khiphop (my favourite artists are seventeen and stray kids)

I really like naps and sleeping in general and prefer it over eating — I would say I have pretty low energy in general

I like desserts, pastries and dim sum

I recently got into watching art streams, journaling and collecting cute stationery

I’ve pretty much been a huge geek/fangirl all my life and have loved reading and animation since I can remember

I just finished watching jujutsu kaisen and am currently watching fruits basket (lol I enjoy both extreme shounen and fluffy shoujo)

I’m human and have lots of insecurities but I’m learning

Ideal traits in a partner:

Able to appreciate the quiet moments

I’m not a super physical person, but it would be nice to be physically close to someone I trust and that respects my boundaries

Trustworthy — didn’t have a great past relationship 😞

Isn’t afraid to keep up with banter and has witty remarks... someone that can keep me on my toes

Is driven in something they love

willing to learn and grow alongside me

@eggutartu

Thank you so so so much!! 💕💕💕 i worked really hard on the aesthetic so I’m glad you like it and I’m glad you like what I write! If you ever have ideas, don’t be afraid to share!

Anyway, onto the notes & matchup (I was really proud of this one 😁😁😁)

WHEN I TELL YOU I IMMEDIATELY HAD AN IDEA, I I M M E D I A T E L Y HAD AN IDEA. I was so proud of myself when i got this lol cause I saw your entry when I woke up, barely skimmed it, and said…

TSUKISHIMA KEI

✧ 𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑀𝑒𝑡 ✧

Okay okay hear me out

Hot topic (or something similar but I’m American so hot topic)

He was looking to get something for Yamaguchi’s birthday & maybe something for himself because don’t tell me Tsukishima Kei isn’t into anime I know he is

Probably shonen but still

Anyway

You were both reaching for the same thing (yes I’m using THAT trope)

Fortunately for you, there was more than one keychain but still

He was about to get low key defensive like “hey watch it” y’know like

Was in a v short mood

But the second he got the word “hey” out he turned to look at you and just

Froze

And got all embarrassed because look at this beautiful girl he’s standing net to shit he was just cursing you out in his brain

So he’s staring at you with wide eyes and you’re like “oh I’m sorry--you like JJK too? That’s cool”

And he’s stuttering Tsukishima Kei is flustered, everybody

So he’s like “uh yeah kinda I guess I don’t really talk about it a lot cause my friend isn’t into it”

“Well I mean if you ever wanna talk about it we can”

“Really?”

“Yeah, gimme your phone I’ll give you my number. If that’s chill”

“Sure, I guess, yeah”

Akiteru was home that day and hadn’t seen his brother smile this much since he was a kid

Any time he asked though Kei just got all huffy and went to his room

✧ 𝐺𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙 𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠 ✧

U two make playlists for each other on a regular basis (Spotify playlists w collaboration turned on are your best friend)

They're always killer and hit a little too hard

When you tell him you have a new favorite song, he listens to it on repeat until he knows all the lyrics and can pick on you for saying the wrong lyrics if you ever do

Also because it reminds him of you

He loves that he can be himself around you

Really he does

Like that’s one of his favorite things

He doesn’t have to hide any of his hobbies or really anything about him really and he appreciates it so much

It took a while to get there with him, but once he trusted you 100%, he realized he was in love with you

Love and trust are the same things to him (or at least similar) so he knew he loved you when he realized he really could be himself with you around and probably told you as such

He’s not one to push your boundaries, but just had to tell you so it was probably a text like

“Look I don’t expect you to say this back if you’re not ready for that yet, but you’re so amazing--I need to be honest. I’ve done nothing but stare at the ceiling for an hour and think and just realized how in love with you I am. I really am. Take that as you will.”

And then just straight up DIDN’T ANSWER UNTIL 2 AM THAT NIGHT LIKE “sorry I was at Yamaguchi's” LIKE BRO JUST DROP A BOMB LIKE THAT DAMN

Needless to say, he WAS at Yamaguchi's and left his phone at home but it was because he was too afraid of what you’d say

He got home at 11

He just procrastinated for three hours until he finally answered you back

And when you told him you loved him too, his heart SOARED he proceeded to call yams and squeal like a seven-year-old girl for a half hour

If ur shorter than him he uses your head as an armrest, no exceptions

He does it if you're taller than him too he just goes up on his toes to do it

Anyway

Can and will pick on you for everything

It’s the way he shows his love alright

Cute stationery? It’s tacky and “why do you have this it’s irritatingly adorable”

“You’re irritatingly adorable”

“I’m not adorable”

“Yes you are Tsukki"

Lets you call him Tsukki until you can call him Kei

You have to have a thick skin with him because sometimes it’s hard to tell when he’s being sarcastic or not

If he ever did make you cry or genuinely upset though, he’d tear himself to pieces about it for hours and be completely unresponsive to his phone if you text him because he thinks you hate him

When he finally texts you back he’ll never admit how upset he is, but he will apologize for making you upset

It’s really hard to do emotions with this dude but you try to manage

If you can figure out how to make him talk about his problems “let’s talk about Akiteru” “no”? Yamaguchi will love you forever

You get the best friend approval anyway but you get an extra gold star if you can get him to open up more

Oh and you totally like to show up at games or practice and everyone including Ukai and Takeda love you for it because he tries a little harder so he doesn’t look bad in front of you

It’s like a switch he goes from like 5% to 70% effort but that’s the best he’s giving until it’s game time then he’ll crank it to 100%

✧ 𝐷𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝐼𝑑𝑒𝑎 ✧

Okay okay but but but but but

Anime dates

Like once a week you two sit and watch anime over discord or smth

You don’t usually talk much but it’s nice to be in each others’ presence

Or close to that

When you can get together it’s that much better

You trade off whose house you’re at every other week, and whoever's visiting picks up snacks on the way

You’ll watch tv, make fun of the characters together, roll your eyes at the sappy moments but lean over to kiss Tsukki anyway

It’s overall a very wholesome scene

But there will be times when he is stressed and tired for whatever reason and he’ll fall asleep

Sometimes he’ll be curled into a little ball on his side of the couch

Sometimes he’ll slouch his head against your shoulder with his arm around your waist

Sometimes he’ll pause the show and pull you down against him and just lay with you for a while

Not even watch tv just

Be happy in each others’ presence

He’ll fall asleep from time to time and you take his glasses off for him

He looks so soft when he’s sleeping and not glaring at people

✧ 𝑍𝑜𝑑𝑖𝑎𝑐 𝐼𝑛𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 ✧

Libras, while they may not exactly say it, are romantics. They enjoy little things about romance, however modern, like spontaneous dates and flowers. They initiate clever ideas and Aquariuses are good at adding a different perspective, so prepare for in-depth conversations. On the other hand, Aquariuses tend to be trendsetters, which Libras support wholeheartedly.

✧ 𝐴𝑒𝑠𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑡𝑖𝑐 ✧

✧ 𝑃𝑙𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡 ✧

my boy - Billie Eilish

Hug - SEVENTEEN

King of the Clouds - Panic! At The Disco

She’s In The Rain - The Rose

I Can’t Handle Change - Roar

Runners up: Sugawara Koushi, Akaashi Keiji

[rae-gar-targaryen]

how would u cast your mutuals as sw/pedro characters? ur gorg btw

First of all, THANK YOU for the compliment. You are VERY sweet. 

I am honored to be the recipient of this PARTICULAR ask because I’ve seen other blogs in the Pedro corner of this hellsite get similar asks, and I never thought I’d get to be part of it. I don’t consider myself a particularly loud voice in our little corner, so this really is appreciated. 

Before I get started, I want to say that I in NO WAY intend to leave ANYONE out. I do not intentionally or knowingly exclude anyone, nor would I.  It's probably just as simple as we haven’t talked as much and I don’t want to miscast. f we’re mutuals, and you want to know which Pedro I think you are, PLEASE send me an ask. This is meant to be fun and not exclusionary. I love each and every one of you SO MUCH. 

Let’s do it:

1. @ithinkhesgaybutwesavedmufasa​ is OBERYN. Could it BE anyone else?? Katryn and I first bonded over Oberyn, and her depth of knowledge and understanding of the character (as well as Ellaria) really just proves the point-- Oberyn is full of depth and passion. He writes poetry, for god’s sake. He’s creative, as Katryn is creative. He cares about his family and his children above all else and is compassionate. Katryn has that compassion with her life and with her job. Also, snarky bisexual powerhouses for the WIN. Katryn is Oberyn. 

2. @rzrcrst​ is EZRA. She said it herself the other day-- she and Ezra are SO similar. I agree. The depth of feeling with which Kenzie communicates is on par, if not greater, than that of Ezra’s. They are both wordsmiths through and through, avid readers, appreciators of nature. Not to mention, they are both caregivers. Kenzie is a mother, and Ezra is paternal with Cee. Ezra is passionate, intense, well-spoken, and beautiful. That’s Kenzie to a “T.” Kenzie is Ezra. 

3. @qveenbvtch​ can she BE anyone else BUT JAVIER? Eryn is cunning, resourceful, hilarious, and outspoken. She is Javier. Where Javier has a strong profile, Eryn’s cheekbones could CUT GLASS. Javier has vintage flair with his style (hello, 80s), and so does Eryn. She always looks AMAZING. Eryn is one of THE most quick-witted people I have had the pleasure of befriending on here. Javier’s job is one where you have to be quick on your feet. Also, I think both Eryn and Javier have excellent taste in booze and aesthetics. Eryn is Javier. 

4. @zeldasayer​ -- Don’t take this the wrong way, and LET ME FINISH. But ZELDA is MAXWELL LORD. Even though the movie hasn’t come out yet, our corner of the fandom has painted Max as someone who strives for greatness, who appreciates the finer things in life, who has excellent taste, and is intellectually ruthless. That’s ZELDA. She has amazing taste, aesthetically and otherwise. She is clearly the type of person to demand and achieve excellence. She has a dreamy quality that I feel like Maxwell would value. She has a rapier wit. Not to mention, Maxwell in the comics? He’s POWERFUL. He has the powers of persuasion. Zelda has a powerful presence, is well-spoken and has a MAGNETISM that I think we’ve all recognized in Max. 

5. @forever-rogue​ is FRANKIE. Patricia has a beautiful soul, a creative streak, and an amazing mind. She is Frankie. Catfish has to be tactically brilliant to have his job, and he needs to be technically savvy. Patricia is a doer that way-- she's an amazing contributor within this fandom, her stories are dreamy and beautiful. She is someone who will be there when you need her (we’ve reminisced about being in the same field and the challenges that has) and she is never at a loss for a kind word, all while being tough as hell. Patricia is Frankie. 

6. @winters-buck​ is Max Phillips. Hear me OUT---- Ash is bitingly clever and witty. Ash can talk you into any one of her ideas, which she will bounce off of you at ALL HOURS. She is a nonstop source of fun and energy (not in the obnoxious way that salesman Max is), rather the bright side of that trait. Ash is endlessly kind and driven in a way that I feel like Max would appreciate. She is hot as hell with good hair and a wickedly sharp mind. Ash is Max. 

7. @cosmicbug379​ is Marcus Pike. Kylie has a sweet and friendly quality that I think is 100 percent PURE Marcus. Kylie is creative, thoughtful, hilarious, and kind. Marcus is the kind of man who values people’s genuine character, to feel genuine love. That’s Kylie. Have you READ her writing? She writes beautiful Faramir, an empathetic and underappreciated character. It’s that level of empathy, attention to detail, and beautiful loquaciousness that makes me think that Kylie is Marcus.  

8. @mythologicalmango​ I know she’s not really into the Pedro stuff as much, but she puts up with all of my shitposting. And when I think of Rachel, I think of DIN DJARIN aka The Mandalorian. Din is strong, unafraid of adversity, but unfailingly kind. That’s Rachel. Rachel faced down a daunting move this year like it was no big deal. She jumps into adventure, is a lover of reading and learning, and has a strong compassionate streak and a sense of justice. Rachel loves a good Victorian romance, and Din Djarin barely lets a sliver of wrist show. That’s why Rachel is Din Djarin. 

9. @californiakoenig Grace is AGENT WHISKEY. Now, not the canon asswipe who sells out at the end. I’m talking about the smooth, beautiful human who loves the people he cares about deeply and looks amazing while kicking mad ass. Grace is an amazing writer who is endlessly supportive. The side of Jack that we get in Kingsman who is driven, cares about people enough to get into a job where he saves lives, and is capable of deep compassion is why I believe Grace is Whiskey. Anyone who’s read her writing knows she’s amazingly intelligent and compassionate-- just like Jack. (Although Javier would also work for her).

If I can also throw STAR WARS Characters in here:

@mpanighetti​ is CASSIAN ANDOR. He knows why. 

@atwentywhore​ is POE DAMERON-- adventurous, unafraid, beautiful. 

@mount--cleverest​ is CAPTAIN PHASMA. A badass, blonde bombshell.

@andallthatmishigas PRINCESS LEIA. WHO ELSE?? A paragon who was born to lead and look beautiful while doing it. 

@nappingtopknot is Boba Fett, a hot badass who kicks ass. 

AND NONE FOR DAVE YORK, GOODBYE!

[volchistamoved-blog]

i just want to thank you all SO MUCH ! i only remade maryas blog around a month ago and already there are over 100 of you here !!! it never ceases to warm my heart how much endless love and devotion i receive here on maryas blog. i have never felt so welcome and loved on a blog before. i love each and every one of you, you are all gifts, thank you, again. 

THESE ARE ALL PEOPLE, i look up to, i admire endlessly and my dash would not be the same without you guys. 

@bloodythirsts / / @mothics / / @godleir / / @deathrisen / / @veracitic / / @variforme / / @saviourse / / @sansavis / / @chaosate / / @chaied / / @nexusbeing / / @wiccks / / @warblossomed / / @astralord / / @tsarsmerti​ / / @vasilyevna / / @wrths / / @quinn​ / / @manwithout​ / / @imperises / /

THE GROSS PART, because im me, and such an emotional person i have to make some special lengthy mentions about those who have earned such a special place inside my heart.

@inheriteds * / / jannah, i tell you this all the time but you are such a gift. you are one of the strongest people i have ever known? and god am i so happy to have met you. i have always, ALWAYS admired you, no matter your blog and i was so amazed you wanted to be friends with me, and write with me. you are so endlessly sweet to me literally every single time we speak. you have a special way of making me laugh and smile like an idiot. your talent is astounding/?? i know im gonna say this about most of my favs but i mean it truly every time i say it. your writing is breath taking and something so unique to you alone. i just love you so very much. you’re an amazing and beautiful person, thank you for existing.

@koschie * / / listen, the love of my life right here? the koschei of my heart? you never ever cease to take my breath away? you are one of m y favorite people to exist in this world. you are so GOOD, you are such an amazing and beautiful soul, you’re such a strong person and you have such a relentlessly good heart. and i am so proud of you?? in every sense of the word. i will never not be proud of you? and GODDDDD, i could go on for years about your writing, your writing is some of the most beautiful and unique i have seen??? im left aghast every time i read something you write and you inspire me ENDLESSLY with everything you do. you are such a perfect koschei and really just perfect no matter who you write. 

@lionswrath * / / listen i know we havent gotten to speak much in recent times but my goD LIGHT OF MY LIFE. you are such a wonderful human being??? i have been beyond impressed with your blog, with your absolute love and perfect representation of cersei??? i love??? just how much you love her and how you will never romanticize the bad things about her, how you just recognize her for all that she is?? bc thats so important okay. not to mention everything you touch turns to gold?? your graphics and themes are so beautiful and your writing is so lovely an d perfect. youre just a perfect person.

@justonekid * / / LISTEN TO ME ANNIE. i know we only very recently met and became friends but i am so glad that we did?? you’re such a gift to this world. you’re such a wonderful person?? you’re so funny, you always make me smile and laugh and your love for aang is literally the greatest? you bring so much life to his character, so so much, you have made me love him in a way that i didnt know i could? you’re such an endlessly creative and beautiful person. i love you okay.

@highnis * / / TWIGGY, my love, you have always been so endlessly kind and supportive of me since we first met? you have the kindest heart and you’re just a beautiful person over all??? you’re an angel, a true goddess. you never cease to amaze me in everything you do and i would lay my life on the line for you??? you always make me feel so great about myself and i just adore you??

@viduamor * / / listen i know we literally just became friends since i re made maryas blog but i ADORE YOU. i have always, ALWAYS, admired your blog from afar and i never thought we could become friends but here we are?? and i am s hook? every time you compliment me a piece of me dies.bUT ANWAYS. i love love your passion for nat?? its so admirable and i love how willing you are to take her character so above and beyond what her canon is>?? to make her something so much more ???? your nat is a piece of art tbh.

@prodigicals & @bleusilk * / / listen, you are one of the kindest people i have ever had the pleasure of meeting??? you have the biggest heart and you have such a warm and inviting presence about you and i think it is so beautiful?? you are so insanely talented in every conceivable way its breath taking. you are a gift to this world and i adore you beyond words. 

@sunbruise * / / aiden, my love, my darling, much like many people on this list that i have gushed about you are someone i admired from afar for as long as i could remember, someone i had always wanted to interact with but neve r got to. and then you followed me back onmaryas blog and we started talking and wow you’re a wonderful person>??? you are so kind and inviting and you’re so creative??? ken is such a beautiful and amazing character and i will literally always love him. you put so much obvious work into creating him and im just??? its so cLEAR. 

@patriotborne * / / dairy, dairy, dairy. you and i may not have been friends for long but i just/?? you deserved a place here. you are such a wonderful and kind soul? you brought the big atla group togeether and ive never felt more accepted somewhere?? you just have the biggest heart and you are such a positive force??? its amazing. you are so beyond talented and i love every single thing you ever touch??? i just love you so very much okay.

@glacialborne * / / sEB. SEBBBB. ur among my newer friends but i love you??? i was so blown away your writing?? like i never thought youd wanna write with me?? but you turned out to be such a sweet little bean ! you are so kind and you’re always so down for plotting and talking with me and you pour your whole heart into every character you write. you’re just such a great person??? i admire you so much, you’re amazing.

@ensavaged * / / i know??? we arent ultra close or anything like that but you deserve a place here? you are one of the most creative people ive had the pleasure of knowing. the amount of work and depth you put into adelyn is amazing, it is so admirable, i literally aspire to make my ocs as wonderful as you made adelyn. you’re just??? such a great presence to have around?? im still amazed that i can call you my friend and my writing partner?? bc i admired you from afar for so long! and i just never thought you would wanna write with me. you’re iconic, a vision of beauty and perfection. never forget that. 

@heavenbuilt * / / HANNAAHHH, my darling dearest. i fucking love you??? you are my heart, my love. you are someone ilove so much??? im so happy we became friends??? you are perfection ! your writing is always getting better every time i read it and you seriously amaze me with your skill literally all the time. you’re such a funny and all around great person?? i live for your messages in our group chat and i just love talking to you??? you are so wonderful im at a loss for words. i love you okay. 

[loreleywrites]

Command Zone: The State of Commander – Aether Revolt

Commander is largely a multiplayer format. This disposes it to being a format that strongly embraces my favorite aspect of Magic: community. Magic doesn’t begin with the first land drop and end when a player’s life hits zero; the people who experience the game with us stay part of our lives through friendships, online communities, various forms of consumable content, and a network of ideas and emotions to be shared by everyone.

Much of what I peddle on this blog are facts, ideas, and speculations. Today’s article will contain little of that. Instead, this is all about me.

Since Commander is steeped in variation, I want to share all twenty-three of my decks with you. Part of the fun of Commander is seeing what cards other people are playing that you’re not. What strategies they’re embracing that you’re curious about. What novelties spring from their brains that you find enjoyable. Hopefully the deck lists and brief descriptions in today’s article can entertain you, spark inspiration in your own decks, and foster conversation about the best format in Magic.

Karn Artifacts

Karn, Silver Golem by Mark Zug

The deck.

Colorless is not a color, which always makes colorless decks weird. Karn is built around artifacts, obviously, as their main ability animates artifacts. That makes for a lot of potential creatures running around, which is why there are so many noncreature artifacts present. I decided to eschew Wastes and keep the mana base classically colorless.

Kozilek Eldrazi

Kozilek, the Great Distortion by Aleksi Briclot

The deck. (Note: This is the only list that shows the actual card versions I’m using.)

Battle for Zendikar block brought Wastes and tons more colorless Eldrazi cards to Commander. I split my existing Kozilek deck into two parts. Karn took the artifacts, and the Great Distortion took the Eldrazi. This is my favorite deck and my current foil-out project. As you can see in the link, I’m most of the way there. It’s purdy.

Nahiri Equipment

Nahiri, the Lithomancer by Eric Deschamps

The deck.

We first learned the Lithomancer’s identity with Nahiri’s first planeswalker card. Conveniently, she can also be a commander! I chose her as the leader of my Equipment deck because her +1 can always poop out a creature token after a board wipe, which she won’t die in herself. My pet card here is Lancers en-Kor, who have trample. Exceptionally rare for a mono-White card, but very powerful when loaded up with Equipment.

Thassa Sea Monsters

Thassa, God of the Sea by Jason Chan

The deck.

Sea monsters are the best part of Blue, and Thassa is the perfect commander for a deck full of them. Leviathans, Krakens, Serpents, Squids, Octopuses, and Crabs rise from the depths to wreak havoc on landlubbing foes. The prized cards here are Thassa’s Emissary and Skittering Crustacean, which I received as a gift signed by Kelly Digges, Alison Luhrs, Michael Yichao, and Mel Li. Thanks again, Wizards peeps!

Chandra Burn

Chandra, Fire of Kaladesh by Eric Deschamps

The deck.

Chandra is my second favorite planeswalker (Kiora #1!), but she’s the one with the legendary creature. This deck is just full of flavorful Chandra spells and other cards that represent pyromancy. The goal here isn’t to play a stellar game of Magic, it’s to sling as many burn spells around as recklessly as possible.

Titania Lands

Titania, Protector of Argoth by Magali Villeneuve

The deck.

A Mel deck through and through, as Titania offers such a bizarre style of play. Destroying your own lands for value is a twist on how Magic normally goes, but Titania makes it possible. Basically every card in this deck helps find lands or destroy them. If you’ve never cast Scapeshift for twenty lands while controlling Avenger of Zendikar, you have never truly played Green. The deck used to have a Squirrel subtheme, but those cards really took away from the deck, you know, working.

Ojutai Snow

Ojutai, Soul of Winter by Chase Stone

The deck.

There are not many good commanders for a snow-flavored deck, but Ojutai just so happens to be the Soul of Winter. This deck combines a snow permanent theme with a Dragon tribal subtheme. It’s kind of controlling, what with all the freezing, but can hit pretty hard with big fliers. There are tons of neat winter-themed cards, as that’s the central gimmick of the deck. I can’t wait until we get another block with snow permanents so I can add even more flavor.

Ulasht Tokens

Ulasht, the Hate Seed by Nottsuo

The deck.

One of my first Commander decks, Ulasht has survived through the years by just being a blast to play. The token theme allows Ulasht to be downright explosive, giving the deck a sort of modular feel. Sometimes I’m making lots of Saprolings. Other times, Goblins. I will say that I should probably go through this deck at some point and cut down on the number of different tokens it makes. Focusing on only a few types will make it easier to represent them with dice and such in case I don’t have the actual tokens.

Karametra Enchantress

Karametra, God of Harvests by Eric Deschamps

The deck.

The power of Nyx is bestowed upon me with my Karametra deck. This one is all about enchantments, featuring almost no nonenchantment, nonland cards. There’s plenty of Theros flavor, but also powerful mechanical icons like Mesa Enchantress and Mirari’s Wake. If you’ve never seen an indestructible God loaded up with Auras before, then you probably haven’t died the most agonizing death in the Multiverse yet.

Vish Kal Vampires

Vish Kal, Blood Arbiter by Michael C. Hayes

The deck.

This deck has been all over the place, but it finally settled on two related themes: life gain and Vampire tribal. Nearly every creature is a Vampire, leveraging some of the unique tribal spells that support them. Gaining life is easy with the Ravnican and Zendikari Vampires that had it as a theme. Vish Kal himself is also very powerful, able to smash for a ton of damage as well as repeatedly remove opposing threats. This deck can attack on a lot of axes, which makes it kind of a midrange Commander deck.

Melek Spells

Melek, Izzet Paragon by Johann Bodin

The deck.

The Izzet are all about instants and sorceries, so of course my Melek deck is no different. My main goal is to resolve Epic Experiment as many times as possible (My single-game record is four.) There are a lot of familiar cards here if you’ve seen a spell-centric deck like this before. Expectedly, this deck is capable of explosive turns that are difficult to interact with.

Glissa Artifacts

Glissa, the Traitor by Steve Argyle

The deck.

Phyrexia just makes Elves better. This is an aristocrats-style deck that grinds out a lot of value over the course of a game. There are tons of little artifacts with little effects that don’t seem worth a card. But when you consider that I can get those effects multiple times over the course of a game, they start looking very attractive. And just to clarify: I have zero artifact-based decks with Blue in them. I know, it’s weird. But Glissa makes grindy games so much fun I don’t care.

Aurelia Samurai

Aurelia, the Warleader by Slawomir Maniak

The deck.

Please please pleaseee, @wizardsmagic, print a legendary Samurai with a Red/White color identity. Aurelia is just a placeholder for my Samurai tribal deck. It’s filled with flavorful Kamigawa cards, attacking-matters cards, and lots of extra combat spells (hence Aurelia). I want more Samurai so bad too, as there are lots of bad cards in this deck. But that’s part of the fun of Commander. You can build tons of decks at different power levels.

Vorel +1/+1 Counters

Vorel of the Hull Clade by Mike Bierek

The deck.

If you’ve never seen a Vorel deck before, things can get ridiculous. Most of the permanents in this deck utilize counters in some way. Hydras are featured, as almost all of them scale with your mana and use +1/+1 counters. Needless to say, Deepglow Skate was a boon for this deck. And Armorcraft Judge. And Rishkar, Peema Renegade. OK, it was a great year for +1/+1 counter decks.

Kaseto Snakes

Kaseto, Orochi Archmage by Aaron Miller

The deck.

sneaky sneks

I had a casual 60-card Green/Blue Snake deck for a long time. Kaseto let me translate that into Commander, evolving one casual deck into another. Sosuke’s Summons is absurd when you can cast it almost every turn. Even when I can’t flood the battlefield with tokens, Kaseto can turn any single Snake into a monstrous attacker.

Ezuri Infect

Ezuri, Claw of Progress by James Ryman

The deck.

I like Simic decks. Sue me.

This is my most flavorful deck. Ezuri embraces New Phyrexia’s most sinister theme: infect. Thankfully, most infect creatures are pretty crappy in Commander. They’re so little! Ezuri does help fix that, but he’s also pretty fragile. Every spell in this deck is from New Phyrexia, and every land is either from there or could feasibly be from there (Breeding Pool definitely sounds like it could be Phyrexian.)

Karrthus Dragons

Karrthus, Tyrant of Jund by Dave Kendall

The deck.

DARGONS!!! This deck is pretty straightforward. Ramp, cast some removal spells, and then attack with the tyrants of the sky. Yes, it amuses me that between this and Ojutai, I have Dragon decks for all five colors. I used to have a Scion of the Ur-Dragon deck, but it was too repetitive.

Surrak Creatures

Surrak Dragonclaw by Jaime Jones

The deck.

With only seven noncreature, nonland cards, it’s clear what Surrak is about. Hint: it’s creatures. Ramp, removal, card draw, beatdown, it’s all being done by creatures here. Restrictions breed creativity and yadda yadda yadda IT’S TIME TO PUNCH THINGS NOW. This deck is one of my favorites to play.

Ghave Fungi

Ghave, Guru of Spores by James Paick

The deck.

There are a lot of degenerate Ghave decks that do stupidly broken things with +1/+1 counters. Part of that is because Ghave is really powerful. My take on the deck is much more focused on the Fungus/Saproling tribal theme. Most of the noncreature spells are also flavorfully connected to the decomposing organisms. I literally finished this deck this week, so I haven’t gotten to play with it yet. I’m eager to.

Mimeoplasm Mill

The Mimeoplasm by Svetlin Velinov

The deck.

Mill, eat, repeat. Mill, eat, repeat. Mill, eat, repeat. I wanted to build a deck that lets The Mimeoplasm eat tons of enemy creatures, but also provide a ton of options to eat itself. The self-mill and reanimation strategies also mean this deck doesn’t have to rely on Muraganda’s legendary Ooze to muscle through games. This was one of my first decks, and the list has probably changed more than any other in my repertoire.

Atraxa -1/-1 Counters

Atraxa, Praetors’ Voice by Victor Adame Minguez

The deck.

Keep your superfriends and infect and +1/+1 counter decks. I embraced the decay of New Phyrexia and built my Atraxa deck around -1/-1 counters. Plus a bunch of flavorful New Phyrexia cards (I can’t help my Vorthos nature.) Even though I’m not focusing on Atraxa’s most powerful themes, this is quite a mighty deck.

Yidris Chaos

Yidris, Maelstrom Wielder by Karl Kopinski

The deck.

I had originally planned this deck to be built around Maelstrom Wanderer, but Yidris gave me the perfect opportunity to add another color. This deck has one goal: never know what will happen next. That doesn’t mean send the game into a death spiral of chaos (well, not completely), but to keep it progressing towards a conclusion in the flashiest way possible. There are a number of Group Hug style cards in this deck. I want things to happen. I want to force players to make decisions. I want the game to go somewhere, no matter how ugly it gets when it arrives. I also just completed this deck, so I haven’t gotten to experience the wild ride I have designed.

Sliver Queen Slivers

Sliver Queen by Ron Spencer

The deck.

My arsenal wouldn’t be complete without a WUBRG deck for my favorite tribe, Slivers. Naturally, the Queen is the one leading the deck. I really like how Slivers play in Commander, as you never know what mix of abilities you’re going to get. It makes every game unique and keeps the deck from getting stale. Considering this deck hasn’t changed since Magic 2015, that’s a very good thing.

Twenty-Three and Counting

I’m not deliberately trying to build a Commander deck for every color combination, but I won’t be surprised if I get there one day. I do factor what combinations I don’t have yet when considering new decks, as I like pushing myself into new territory in order to make each deck unique. At the moment, I’m considering mono-Black King Macar, the Gold-Cursed; mono-White Bruna, the Fading Light; and Mardu Alesha, Who Smiles at Death as my next deck. And then who knows what Amonkhet will bring in a few months!

And now that I’ve shared my decks with you, planeswalkers, what Commander decks do you arm yourself with?

[ookamikasumi-writer]

What if The Lord of the Rings was Written by Other Authors?

Shamelessly ripped off from www.straightdope.com

LOTR by Mickey Spillane

I was sitting by the fire, puffing on a pipe, still nursing a hangover from the ale-fest the night before, when HE walked in. He had a long white beard, a magical staff, and legs that you’d like to eat on toast.

"Are you Frodo Baggins," he intoned.

"I might be," I said. "Who's asking?"

"My name is Gandalf, Mr. Baggins. And I need your help."

I looked him over. "Lots of people need my help. What makes YOU special?"

"Well, Mr. Baggins...there is a certain piece of jewelry. If it fell into the wrong hands, it could prove...troublesome. I need someone to take this ring to Mount Doom, where it can be destroyed."

I stuck some more weed in my pipe, and said, "Look, doll, let's get one thing straight- you can't come into my hole, tell me a fairy-tale about a magic ring, bat those pretty eyelids, and have me fall at your feet. I stick my neck out for nobody."

LOTR by Ernest Hemingway

It was very late and everyone had left the hall except an old man who sat in the shadows the leaves of the old Mallorn made against the moonlight.

The two elves inside the hall knew that the old man was a little drunk, and while he usually was quiet and kept to himself they knew that if he became too drunk he would start setting things on fire, so they kept watch on him. "He's drunk," one elf said.

"What do you care?"

"He's muttering about the secret fire."

"Leave him alone. He used to carry a ring."

"He'll stay all night. He should never have been rebodied."

The old man rapped on the table with his goblet.

The younger elf went over to him. "What do you want?"

The old man looked at him. "Another miruvor."

"You'll be drunk," the elf said.

The old man looked at him.

The elf went away. "Look at his bushy eyebrows," he said to his colleague. “There is nothing as nasty as an old Man. He'll stay all night and I'll never get any sleep."

The elf took the bottle of miruvor from the counter inside the hall and marched to the old man's table. He poured the goblet full. "You should never have been rebodied," he said to the old man.

LOTR by Mark Twain

NOTICE:

Persons attempting to resolve the question of Balrog wings by means of this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to define the nature of Tom Bombadil will be banished; persons attempting to find allegory in it will be shot.

BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR, Per G.G., Chief of Ordnance.

FOREWORD:

In this book a number of dialects are used, to wit: the Quenya Elvish dialect; the extremest form of the Rhovanion dialect; the ordinary Sindarin dialect; and four modified varieties of this last. The shadings have not been done in a haphazard fashion, or by guesswork; but painstakingly, and with the trustworthy guidance and support of personal familiarity with these several forms of speech. I make this explanation for the reason that without it many readers would suppose that all these characters were trying to talk alike and not succeeding.

THE AUTHOR.

CHAPTER 1

You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Red Book of Westmarch; but that ain't no matter. That book was made by Mr. Frodo Baggins and his Uncle Bilbo, and they told the truth, mainly. There was things which they stretched, but mostly they told the truth. That is nothing. I never seen anybody but lied one time or another, without it was the Lady Galadriel, or Elrond, or maybe Gandalf. The Lady Galadriel - the Lady of Lothlorien, she is - and Elrond, and the wizard Gandalf is all told about in that book, which is mostly a true book, with some stretchers, as I said before.

LOTR by George Orwell

"I cannot read the fiery writing," said Frodo.

"There are few who can," replied Gandalf. "It is the language of Mordor, which I will not speak here. Translated into the common tongue, it reads:

'All rings of power are equal, but some rings of power are more equal than others.'"

LOTR by Dave Barry

At the end of the Council of Elrond, everyone concluded that 'Shards of Narsil' would be a great name for a band.

LOTR, by John Milton

Of the great War of the Ring, and the quest

Of that Forbidden power, the long and

Arduous trek, thru' fiery, blasted plains

With faithful Hobbits and treacherous beasts

To Chaos' edge, and there to cast the One

To endless fire and eternal death:

Sing Heav'nly Muse, that in Rivendell did'st

First teach of the Rings of Power forgéd,

In the beginning how the Dark Lord Sauron

Brought into the world from fiery depths

Of Doom this ring of gold, pouréd into't

His Malice and his Evil; I now

Invoke thy Aid to my Adventrous song

That struggle as it might to take to th'air

Though will I drag from bottomless perdition

Things unattempted yet in Prose or Rhime

And justifie the ways of men to Elves.

LOTR by Tom Clancy

The King of the Nazgul (KotN) fingered the safety buckle that secured the shortsword in its scabbard. It was modeled after the Gladius design, making it wholly inadequate for going up against Elven armour, but it was perfectly suited for being jammed in the collarbone of a Hobbit 'merc, without calling too much attention to it's owner. His XO, "Camel" Khamul had used a similar weapon in numerous CoIN missions in North Gondor, where he had been sent to disrupt "Elrond's" supply fellowships sneaking down the Is-ild-ur trail. The KotN smiled, even without a head. This mission was almost going to be a mead-run. Taking out a squad of sleeping halflings was going to be easier than slaying Wyvyrns sitting on a tarmac...

LOTR by Dr Seuss

"Gandalf, Gandalf! Take the ring!

I am too small to carry this thing!"

"I can not, will not hold the One.

You have a slim chance, but I have none.

I will not take it on a boat,

I will not take it across a moat.

I cannot take it under Moria,

that's one thing I can't do for ya.

I would not bring it into Mordor,

I would not make it to the border."

LOTR by Danielle Steele

Eowyn felt her heart flutter when she saw him. His raven hair flew in the breeze off the plain, and his piercing eyes caught her gaze as if by magic. He bore a kingly attitude; surely he was a prince. Her mind turned to forbidden things, things which would be forbidden to the King's niece, but surely allowed for a free shieldmaiden. She knew that she was made to love this ranger.

LOTR by Ayn Rand

Smeagol writhed in corruption, his lifelong attempts to collectivize the Hobbit economy had twisted his soul and body and brought ruin to the Shire. "Precious," he muttered. "Precious collective good giving according to need." He shuddered at the thought of the unbroken individual standing proudly over a conquered plain with the Ring, and felt jealous that the wholesome power could not be his.

LOTR by Choose Your Own Adventure

You're sitting in your hole, smoking a pipe and drinking some fine hobbit ale, when the door knocks. Outside, there's Gandalf the Wizard. Do you let him in?

If yes, go to page 65,

if no, turn to page 43.

Page 65

"Ah, my dear Frodo, it's good to see you. Now, my boy, I'm here on urgent business. The magic ring your Uncle Bilbo took from Gollum is cursed, and must be taken far from here, until we decide what to do with it. Will you take on this mission?"

If yes, go to page 13,

if no, turn to page 72:

Page 13:

"Your courage does you honor, Frodo. Take this ring, and I'll meet you later. Do you want me to meet you at Galdriel's tree fortress or at Elrond's palace?"

For Galadriel's fortress, go to page 68,

for Elrond's palace, turn to page 27.

Page 68:

As you enter the forest, the beautiful Galadriel and her footmen greet you. She says, "My, you're courageous to take this quest. Carrying that ring must be exhausting. Would you like to keep it, or give it to me?"

To keep the ring, go to page 47,

To give it to Galadriel, turn to page 88.

Page 88:

"HAHAHAHAHAHA, you foolish halfling," she cries. "Now I am beautiful and terrible and mighty, and will rule all the Earth." As she laughs, she signals her minions to torture you to death.

At least, you die knowing you won't be around to see all of Earth under her tyranny.

THE END

LOTR by a Lawyer

COMES NOW, plaintiff, Sauron, to file this original Complaint, and would show this honorable court the following:

Plaintiff and party of the first part, Sauron ("Sauron") is a(n) (un)natural person, and resident and domiciliary of Mordor.

Defendant and party of the second part, Frodo Baggins ("Frodo") is a natural person and resident of Hobbiton. Co-Defendant and party of the third part Samwise Gamgee ("Sam") is likewise same.

All parties being properly diverse, jurisdiction is proper pursuant to 28 M.E.C. 1332. Damages far exceed the minimum jurisdiction of the court.

Defendant has converted and trespassed against the chattel and personalty of the plaintiff, namely, the One Ring ("Ring") and is liable to plaintiff for same.

Plaintiff would further show on or about the final day of the Third Age, defendants did intentionally cause the destruction of Ring while plaintiff was engaged in defending his business from hostile takeover. In the alternative, plaintiff pleads that the actions of the defendants toward ring amount to recklessness, gross negligence, and negligence.

As a direct result of destruction of Ring, plaintiff has suffered actual damages in the form of irreparable harm to his business and personal reputation, as well as direct and indirect loss of income. Plaintiff has further suffered from mental anguish, humiliation, and loss of consortium.

Insofar as actions of defendants were intentional, plaintiff further requests punitive damages in the amount of treble his actual damages.

WHEREFORE, PLAINTIFF, SAURON, PRAYS FOR: all reasonable damages above named; FURTHER, plaintiff prays for all additional relief in law or equity deemed necessary and proper by this honorable court.

Respectfully submitted, Mouth of Sauron Attorney for Plaintiff Middle Earth Bar No. 734925639

LOTR by CNN

Ringbearers still at large

Mordor (CNN) - Reports from the field have just arrived that the notorious group of ringbearers known mysteriously only as "the nine" were spotted by a band of orcs entering the terrorist safe haven known as "Lothlorien" several days ago.

The Mordor State Department issued an official proclamation today that the group were known to be armed and dangerous and had already caused the death of many orcs in the region as well as the notorious brutal murder of a high ranking Balrog previously residing in Moria. They warn that any concerned citizens were to contact the Mordor Foreign affairs office immediately with information as to the whereabouts of these fugitives and to not try and confront them themselves.

"We will act in our utmost to bring these terrorists to justice" President Sauron declared today. "These terrorists are attacking our way of life, our culture and the way we live. The world must know that the collected will of the dark lord’s minions will be strong and resolute."

First detected in the town of Bree in the north of middle Earth, these terrorists wasted no time in coldly taking the lives of all nine Ringwraith Agents when it was discovered that they were on a plot to topple Mordor.

It is believed that the group is composed of primarily hobbits backed up by support from a wide variety of races including dwarves, elves humans and a mysterious backer only known as "Mithrander".

"I must stress, Hobbits are a primarily peace loving race" President Sauron warned today after a spate of hate attacks against hobbit dwellings. "These hobbits are extremists, fundamentalists; they do not speak for hobbit kind".

Agents also believe that these terrorists have strong links to the group that assassinated the Foreign Diplomat, Smaug, earlier this age. If so, it would explain the impressive array of mythical weapons that the group has acquired.

So far, the terrorist group has been utilizing safe houses in elvish country to evade capture and have slipped past even the most stringent defenses the Dark Lord has set in place.

Residents are afraid for their children and people have stopped going out at night. "How am I going to let my kids go out and torture humans if I know that there’s a group of orc killers roaming the countryside" a concerned mother said today".

Experts believe that, if these rogues are not brought to justice, a rash of copy cat attacks will follow and severely hurt the economy.

-- written by CNN correspondent, Sauraman

LOTR by The Onion

Area man loses magical ring of power, thinks it may be behind the couch.

Local area man Sauron (last name withheld for privacy reasons) has been looking everywhere in his spacious 3 bedroom volcano for a ring he forged over 6000 years ago. He claims that the ring, although of little intrinsic value, has great sentimental value to him since he poured most of power into it.

"I mean, I guess it could be used to turn people invisible and bend knights to your will and stuff like that, but basically, it’s just a nice gold ring which I happen to like wearing"

Having last seen the ring when he went outside to check on some damn punk kids who were making a whole lot of noise outside of his estate in Mordor, he's not quite sure what happened to the ring after that.

"I was just going outside to shut those damn elves up, ya’know. There always barging in here every thousand years or so demanding I stop razing their lands and enslaving their people, gets to be kind’a a nuisance ya’know."

Sauron reports that he is not quite sure what happens next but, all of a sudden, he becomes a dis-corporated spirit, capable of doing no more evil than a overly dry turkey club sandwich.

"Anyway, I dunno what happened but I guess I just dropped the ring somewhere. Gee, I hope nobody picked it up cus, that would be theft plain and simple and even elves are above that. Although, come ta’think of it, those damn whippersnapper 'umans might’a done it. There not above anything, them spoiled brats."

Hoping that nobody picked up the ring over the ensuing 3000 year interval, Sauron is sure that the ring is just wedged behind the refrigerator or maybe even under the bed. He has high hopes on finding the ring and looks forward to wearing it again.

"Ya’know, about the only place I haven't checked yet is the forging room, I was going to do it two days ago but there was some ruckus with a spider in the west quadrant. At this rate, I probably won’t get a chance to have a good look in there until next week."

LOTR by Seinfeld

Seinfeld Episode 144: "The Ring":

So anyway my uncle gives me this ring of power and I can't even recharge my cell phone with it. What's up with that?

"Don't tell me you lost the ring George."

"I had it a minute ago. I must have left it in that restaraunt."

"No Rings for you," cried the Soup Nazgul.

This guy who wants me to get rid of the ring is named Gandalf. Have you ever met anybody named Gandalf? What's up with that?

The Council of Elrond:

"Sauron created the ring of power in the year...yadda, yadda, yadda... and that's how Frodo here got it."

Why didn't Sauron make a spare ring? What's up with that?

LOTR by Eminem

Lord of the Rings-Eminem

Do you know what it's like to be given a quest

To be told that my best is a jest in the mess of a world my parents confessed?

To be told that I'm going to fail no matter what I do

That everything's gonna go black

To be given a ring that my uncle's addicted to like smack?

A ring he won't let go

`It's mine,' Bilbo says, `just let go, Frodo,'

`F**k you,' I say, `You know yo flow is blow, that ring ain't no f**king memento.'

My man Gandalf comes in and lays down the law

Oh no motherf**king Bilbo sees his flaw

'Take this thing,' he says to Gan, and hands it over to the man

'Now it's been given,' he says to him, 'given and now I'm going to Rivendell.'

`Rivendell, hell," Gandalf says, 'elves run that place like some f**kin' jail cell, you do well to go to a Deep of Helm's,' he said.

`I'm going to Rivendell,' Bilbo said. `I'm sorry Gandalf but I'm going. Now take that f**king ring before it blings and f**king makes me cry like some f**king halfling.'

LOTR by Tarantino

Excerpt from: 'Pulp Fellowship' by Tarantino (please excuse the length)

2. EXT. HORSE DRAWN WAGON (MOVING) - MORNING

A rickety Horse Drawn Wagon creaks down the dusty back roads of the Shire. On the drivers board are two people-- one a Wizard, the other a Hobbit - the wizard wearing Homespun Robes and a pointy hat, the Hobbit standard Hobbit clothes, with a thin tie. Their names are Frodo (Hobbit) and Gandalf (Wizard). Gandalf holds the reigns.

FRODO

That did it, man -- I'm f**kin' goin', that's all there is to it.

GANDALF

You'll most certainly enjoy it. But You know what the funniest thing about Gondor is?

FRODO

What?

GANDALF

It is the small differences. Many the same things we have here, they have also there, but there they are somewhat different.

FRODO

How so?

GANDALF

Well, in Rohan, you can buy Pipeweed at a theatre. And I don't mean in a rolling paper either. They give you a pipe full of weed, like in a guest in your parlour! In Minas Tirith, you can buy weed at Denethor's. Also, you know what they call a Long Bottom Leaf in Gondor?

FRODO

They don't call it a Long Bottom Leaf?

GANDALF

No, they have no sense of the Shire there, they wouldn't know what the f**k a 'Long Bottom Leaf' is.

FRODO

What'd they call it?

GANDALF

Sweet Galenas.

FRODO

(repeating) Sweet Galenas... What'd they call Silver Star?

GANDALF

Silver star remains Silver Star, but they call it the 'King's' Silver Star.

FRODO

What do they call Old Toby?

GANDALF

I know not, I could not find Old Toby. But you know what they put on Mushrooms in Gondor instead of Bacon?

FRODO

What?

GANDALF

Mutton.

FRODO

Goddamn!

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Contributed by a Many Talented Straightdope readers