#idk if i articulated that well but god i am annoyed

[heatwa-ves]

saw someone compare jayce to ballister and I am sosososososooso annoyed do you not understand basic themes!!!!

[cobra-wives]

Hiya Tumblr user Cobra-Wives!!! Uh sorry if this is out of nowhere but I’ve been meaning to send an ask for a while so whatever.

I kinda just wanted to hop in and say thank you for all your cobra kai content, specifically the Cobra Husbands stuff because it’s been feeding my insatiable hunger for art of them. It tickles the little.. Terry Silver in my brain and it makes me so so happy I cannot!! Be normal!!! Like I am so obsessed with your art and animatics of them and I absolutely lose my mind. Your style is adorable I love seeing them. And your ramblings and writings and stuff are so interesting… Everytime I reblog something from you I sound like I’ve been sniffing crack in tags because???

Like, I’ve been hyperfixated on and off with Cobra Husbands for god knows how long, and in the past [before you made this side blog, or I guess before I found it] I’d go through the tags daily and be kinda. disappointed about how little new content there is. Which is probably why my interest for them has died down a bit. I’m the type of person who usually gets into really small, niche fandoms so finding quality content is a chore. Course now with season six it seems a lot more active but idk this blog is kinda just. my favorite CK centric tumblr blogs.

I’m sorry if this sounds annoying or doesn’t make sense I’m really struggling to articulate my thoughts rn [also I suck at English] but uhhh in short, thank you!! You are so very cool and I will be eating up every new post!! Meow!!!

-Typewriter

[Also for you, a treat. I give you ugly Terry Silvers I have doodled. Thank you and sorry again]

well, lovely tumblr user hizznbyte, i've gotta say - i thought i was having a great day already... this has made it loads better!

(below is a visual representation of my process of logging onto tumblr.)

i'm so happy you (and many others who have come forward in tags and personal dms and LOVELY LOVELY interactions) enjoy my art, genuinely this has been such a sweet and fun community to interact with and i've really loved running this blog for the last 3-4 months! it's insane bc i thought we were kinda dormant walking into cks6 (i don't think i expected this much of a krilblr? revival HAHA) but like, here we are... i hope you have a wonderful day/evening and by all means, do not be a stranger - my inbox is always open to messages! :-)

[roanofarcc]

Lol even though this is like only a day late I still feel kinda bad. But I also like had to study for a midterm all day yesterday and this morning sooo. Okay I didn’t even think of Mike coming out as his monologue but that could be soo cool and interesting. Because they kinda keep doing the same thing with Mike in a way now (he hangs out with el, he is incredibly loyal to his friends to the point of death (everyone is like that but..), he loses his friends or he’s wary of everyone else, he has bitchy moments, and is like the leader of everyone). Idk I’m kinda just realizing that now that I think with multiple characters they kinda do the same thing in a way. Which is why I actually love the development of Dustin having a crush on max and then being in a cute and loving relationship with Suzy in the next season. Cuz I feel like even though that does involve his romantic relationship I feel like him and suzie just fit so well together and honestly they are so cute. Everyone was hating that never ending story song but I loved that scene! I feel like they needed that bit of funny in there especially since the stakes were higher. Like I got the vibe of Steve freaking out in season 1 type of funny. Like yeah everything is serious and stuff but that just adds to it. And I think that it adds to Dustin’s character especially because he was so hesitant to do it but realized that they couldn’t save the world if he didn’t do it and satisfy suzie. He knew all of his friends would hear it and they were in a dire situation. And then it was so cute how he just got so into it after that like he really enjoyed singing with her. And you can just tell that the two of them had such a fun time with that. Dammit now I really wanna know how they started singing it and how that came to be.

Also I loved everything that you said about Nancy! I have like nothing really more to add except the same thing. Sooo. Yay! I am so glade you agree with me in the el and max thing. Because I see so many people hating that storyline just because of they want to see ‘girl power’. And I guess maybe when we didn’t know how that storyline was going to go it was a little bit worrying and off putting but it’s been a few years now and we know how their friendship goes so idk why anyone still upholds that heavily. And somehow they still hate it even though it’s ‘girl power’. It legit just confused me some of the fandom say they want el and max to be friends but when they actually do it’s just viewed as a forced girl relationship. I love el and max’s relationship/friendship so like I’m kinda biased and get annoyed when people are like ‘but it wasn’t done right’. Idk if that’s just me but also I’m sorry if not articulating correctly I am soo sleepy.

Okay I legit just came up with that reasoning for Steve on the fly. Idk why but my mind just somehow thought of the cheating and what we know about what Steve said with his parents and I was like wait what if he helped out his mother when he was younger. Because also Steve has so much experience with kinda just shrugging topics of and his emotions off. Like he kinda just keeps that to himself and we even saw that with ‘it’s okay Nancy’ which I think even though it’s just three words it’s kinda poetic. The way joe just says it and the way Nancy and Steve look at each other in that moment speaks volumes!! And they’re barely even talking!!! They don’t have that much communication in that scene and yet they’re able to understand what is happening! It’s an amazing scene and gets overlooked with the babysitting line. Also another line that gets not enough attention from Steve is ‘nobody is leaving anyone.’ God it is such a good line! Also the best part is that the lines aren’t even that long and yet it gives you so much insight into Steve.

Okay another paragraph for this because I don’t want to get it confused with that last one. Okay the line you said about Steve not knowing whether Jonathan would actually spread that around!! I never thought of it like that. Like what was he actually going to do with it?!? He kinda just says that he likes looking at the small details and what people are like underneath. But he only tells that to Nancy and not Steve. Which stills brings up the whole Jonathan also violating Steve’s property and just Steve in general. Honestly steve had a right to be pissed about that. (However what he said in alleyway is still awful and I don’t want to make it seem like I think Steve can do no wrong). Like Steve was with his friends and in a very private place. Because also it was a very private together: it was legit just 5 people if you include Steve. Jonathan was not invited at all and Steve was legit just trying to protect himself, Nancy, and his friends. Which something I also kinda find interesting is the fact that the Nicole girl I believe she was a redhead. She saw the photos and just brought it up to Steve (assuming here) but she also didn’t even say anything. But like she goes to Steve and I don’t believe carol or tommy even knew before the confrontation. Idk what I think this means but kinda interesting. Also about the whole how the supposed cheating thing hit hard with Steve in season 1. I honestly feel like they could have developed that so much. Cuz I kinda feel weird with how they treated everything. Like Nancy and Jonathan weren’t cheating so Steve did unforgivable things. And when they do actually cheat on him (knowing that they’re cheating as Nancy even had the most guilty face while also not even looking that guilty at all) Steve has to just take it. And also it is legit when the entire world is resting on their shoulders and they’re all gonna die. And the whole thing blew up on Halloween too. So like Steve would legit have to spend his night feeling so upset (which even though Will’s Halloween was way and much worse I kinda just was like parallel in my head even tho it really ain’t). Anyway sorry if I either rambled or didn’t address some things I am just like so tired but I also wanted to send this and come up with everything sooo.

don’t feel bad!! I totally understand I was studying all last week for midterms and it was rough lol, but I hope you did well :)

yeah you’re right, a lot of the characters do kind of have the same pattern that they follow. but I think with the whole growing up and things changing we’ll get to see new sides of characters and hopefully new storylines that really expand on what they’re capable of. I actually liked the never ending scene too lol! like yeah it was weird and out of left field but it really added some lightness and humor to the scene. like it (and Dustin’s whole thing was suzie) was cute and funny! and I hope they bring it up next season bc if my friend did that shit I would ever let them live it down lol. I also liked dustin’s arc with max and I hope they make them into close friends next season (if they add in romance between those two I will pay the writers a VERY unpleasant visit). because max isn’t that close with mike (and I don’t think he’ll be with the hawkins gang for long anyway), she and lucas are dating and having their on-again-off-again situation (which I have a lot of feelings on how their relationship was treated in s3 but that’s a whole other conversation lol), and el is gone. so max doesn’t really have any like close friends. and we were robbed of a dustin and max friendship in season 3, so I hope they give us that this season. 

I think max and el’s friendship was done right and like you said, I don’t really get why people don’t like it? like it doesn’t feel forced, it feels like two girl who haven’t really had close female friendships finding their way together. like el has so much to learn about the world and not all of that can be taught or helped by the boys or hopper. she needs someone like max to tell her that it’s okay to dump your boyfriend if you’re not happy, it okay to be your own person and stuff. and yeah, was all of her advice sound and did it take into account the fact that el has difference circumstances compared to max? no. but like we said max is a child, like she’s only telling el what she knows. and max is still technically the new kid in a sense and there’s a lot she has to get about the party and hawkins as a whole. that’s were el comes and plays an important role in her life. I think they compliment each other nicely and they make a good team. 

steve definitely is the kind of person that just shrugs off his own emotions, and I know I sound like a broken record but hope we see more of that next season. like eventually that’s gonna come back and bite him in ass, and he’s gonna have to face all of the shit that he’s been through (along with every other character). but that conversation with nancy really does tell a lot about steve’s character and especially his growth from season one. like yeah, he realized he’s good at watching for the kids, but more importantly that conversation really shows up where his priorities lie, you know? he really does love nancy and he just wants her to be happy, even if that’s not with him. and he knows that she’s struggling with everything with barb. so when she says she’s not leaving mike, like how she “left” barb, steve, in a roundabout kind of way, reassures her that it wasn’t her fault and helping jonathan deal with will doesn’t mean she’s abandoning mike. 

yeah the way they made the steve, nancy, jonathan ordeal revolve around steve thinking nancy’s cheating on him but they were really only monster hunting, and they they turned it around and had her actually cheat on steve in season two. like that was so messed up and could have been handled differently. even if they would have had steve and nancy break up for real on halloween instead of making steve still think he could fix it and change her would have been better and wouldn’t have changed much to their plot. because at the end of the day everything that steve thought was happening in s1, happened in s2. and obviously what steve did in retaliation was totally wrong on his end. like I’m not justifying the movie theater thing or what he said to jonathan at all. but it was like...they made it out to be a whole ordeal that was resolved by the end of s1 (even though it was pretty clear that nancy had some sort of change in feelings for jonathan at the end of s1). then they turned around and both threw steve’s feelings under the bus while trying to make him into the very lovable character. and that worked, obviously, he’s a fan favorite now. but I hope they pull him out of his whole relationship slump and give him some kind of promising relationship before the series ends. not that characters need to have some sort of love interest, but I feel like after everything steve deserves that much. 

[dilsdoes]

idek how to articulate the problem it just feels so big and so much that when i think about how much everything hurts, how kuch i hate myself, how many people just straight up told me that its my job specifically to make sure my mother is happy by not failing im school and being a perfect student and just kinda yelled at me while i was just sittin there. cryin. just sobbin. and then i like tell my mom hey i feel like my greatest failure is being a human persom capable of making mistakes bc of the expectations place on me :P and shes like well thats based on nothing bc ive never done that so no one did that to u n im just kinda :/ man idk being screamed at for dissociating in front of everyone specifically for your sake at the tender age of 11 feels like it fucks you up loool.

and also its like my mom does this thing where she asks me a q and before ive even actually heard it she moves on and i realised that its like one of those things where its happening and you feel normal and then it stops and you feel like a person for the first time. like when i got hit by a bus they didnt give me a sling and my mom looked at me and was like "hang on you need a sling" and i was like what? no im fine. it hurts but not that much and then she gave me a sling and i literally started crying at the relief. like leaving my house and being in a conversation where people like wait for me to actually hear and respond and dont get annoyed makes me feel like a real person instead of gods worst mistake.

so i just want nothing more than 2 rip my ribs and spine and bones out of my body or scratch off the skin from my back and arms and scream until my throat is raw and throw up and do whatever it takes to get everything human out of me so i can stop being a disappointment to everyone all the time xx i would love it if i like didnt feel pain or emotions so like if i feel uncomfortable when my sister opens my door without waiting for me to invite her in, no i dont 💖 oh my mom insulted the thing i was super excited about to my face? well now i cant get upset about it for her 2 tell me it doesnt make sense. "it doesnt make sense for you to be upset about this" well now i dont have stinkie feelings anymore. no more illogical emotions i can just be a lean mean clean machine that doesnt get tired or bored or hurt or sad or anything. i can just be what everyone wants me to be and if i cant because its logically impossible then its not my fault.

every time i start crying no matter what someone always asks "why are you crying" and if i say i dont know theyre like "that doesnt make sense" so i just pick from a bag all the reasons i have to cry so they dont tell me to stop so i dont feel guilty when i inevitably cant. that was very useful when i spontaneously burst into tears throughout secondary school. like every time no matter what theud be like "theres no reason to cry" and id be like well now i am dumb i guess haha

[loveireandblog]

:) %% not my ass bein back on tumblr 😃😃😀lmao meh idk I love my digital wasteland diary!! ok also my other post that I accidentally lost looped this in w me being some sorta loud learner it's urm very annoying I wish I could stop actually what makes it so fucking loud please I rly like getting real real real real real up close n personal w an emotion and able to articulate them, it's important.

but urm I am but a ball of phlegm to my gemini venus that spits me out lmao I am scattered and tired , also I approach astrology like some sorta anchored motif ok don't have to ask me if I believe in it im having fun and the more I believe in it the more I have found recently I actually don't want to another day I see a pattern another day I'm like 🛑 no that's a tangent if ever I saw one sorry LOL

anyways today is mother's day n basically I was like well fuck it I'm gonna order summat nice in bc this celebratory practise should not be for her omg my original post had so much more fire in but this is me having to remember what I said basically urm her??? no me lmfao I HAD TO DEAL WITH HER. Me being sad today is a level of depraved I don't fucking deserve!

then I started to question out loud LMFAO why WHY WHYAHUSHSUSU WHY why do i feel so casual abt this n well unfortunately the issue with my mother is a lot less frustrated than most of the things going on in my life at any one moment lmao. God bless!

[paint-pilot]

shit it’s been a second, guess it’s time to update again

edit: holy christ this is long, i’m gonna readmore it. tl:dr tyler has many badweird feelings but is getting through it. fun body changes, including hair growth and an unexpectedly nice voice. surgery and legal matters are Annoying. tw for menstruation

it is truly bizarre to think that i’ll have been five months on t in a little under two weeks. another month after that and it’s half a year. it’s uhh...weird. quarantine has just made this all feel weird. it’s like i fast-forwarded through this whole journey i was supposed to go on i guess? like i got randomly torn out of my life one day in march with no warning and then just as suddenly got spat out in august with a new life - new name, new face, new major, new identity - and no transitional period whatsoever. my classmates, my professors, my students, they all have only known me as tyler. and only ever will know me as tyler. and that’s great! it’s great, and i’m truly just blown away by how markedly easy it’s been and how weirdly good my timing was in transitioning. but it almost feels like i’m still a ways behind everyone else, i guess. i’ve spent so much of my life hiding, and lying through my teeth, and covering my ass every second of every day to protect myself, and i don’t have to do that anymore but the instinct is 100% still there and that honestly doesn’t feel good. of course i’m not making any of it up - i’m happier now than i’ve ever been, and i know i’m making the right choice - but it still persistently keeps feeling that way.

it’s just difficult, i think, to balance wanting to be read as male (and, to a large extent, wanting to keep my transness hidden both for safety reasons and so people don’t start treating me differently) and finding it difficult to hide this truly massive life change that, like, four people are really seeing anything of. and y’all, i guess, lol. it’s one thing to talk about all this in therapy, but it’s another entirely to just be able to share it with strangers and not worry about it being weird.

i was writing this with the intent of it being a mostly happy update but i guess there is some negativity boiling up so. gotta be honest, i guess? there’s a lot of fun trauma stuff i’ve been going through lately that i won’t get into but it’s culminated with this bullshit in this really fun way where my mom gets upset because i get kind of uncomfortable when she shows me childhood photos or tells stories about me as a little kid and then i just break down for reasons i really can’t discern. i’m going to try and articulate this, and who knows how messy it’s going to get, so i apologize if it gets kind of incoherent from here on out. as far as i can tell the root thing that she really gets upset about is that i’ve “thrown away” my whole previous identity. like, not a direct quote, but “you can’t just pretend [deadname] never existed. because she did, for a long time.” and...sure, i guess. i know this has been hard on my mom. i know she was raised in a conservative family, and while she has worked hard to adopt an accepting and open mindset she still doesn’t 100% grasp all of it and will make mistakes. i’ve made my peace with that. and yet. it’s not so much, really, that i was this other person and then became tyler, y’know? tyler did not appear suddenly two years ago where she once stood. tyler put on a mask, even before he knew he was tyler, because tyler was scared and ashamed but people seemed to like her and, for a time, she was an easy person to be. and i hated her. that is so fucking scary for me to say, and i’m not sure i’ve admitted that until literally right this second, but i did. not because she was a bad person. because she had a voice and a face and a body that i hated. because people saw her and assumed they knew me. because even she had many faces, because there was no real base or identity to her, just traits designed to paint a pretty picture and make people like her. because i knew, when i finally threw her away, people would miss her. compare me to her. expect me to be like her.

so i don’t know. i don’t have a satisfying way to wrap this up, because i honestly don’t know how to face this because i know it is absolutely not just the trans thing that created this situation. i’m kinda warring with myself, because i do kinda want to go back through this blog and delete photos of myself with long hair and whatever (because jesus, i’ve had this thing since i was like 14) but i genuinely don’t know if that’s healthy. i know i’m going back on my bullshit, fretting this way and that over whether something is “healthy” as though that’s an objective term without considering what’s going to make me happy, but honestly? i don’t know anymore. i keep sensing the mental block - the swathes of my childhood that i cannot recall, just vague, constant unease - and i don’t really know if i want to dig into all of that and learn what lies underneath because i’m sort of afraid of it. like i said, i’m happy now, happier than i’ve ever been, and i’d sort of like to just leave it like that. but i guess the length and tone of this post might argue otherwise.

anyways. anyways. enough mental health therapy, more actual hormone therapy updates since that’s what this goddamn thing is supposed to be i think? i’m finally starting to grow some noticeable hairs - my chin hair is coming back after my mom made me shave it before i left for school lol, as are a handful of mustache/lower lip/sideburn hairs. i keep feeling phantom bugs on my legs/feet and i’ve only just now recognized that that’s just leg hairs brushing against places i’m not used to. my appetite has picked up like absolute hell again, too, so i don’t know if i’m just having a metabolic spurt or what. also, i’ve started bruising more? idk what the hell that’s about - i fucking never bruise unless i’ve been hit Hard, and i kind of assumed testosterone would make you less likely to bruise, but then that’s probably just not related to the hormones at all. i was gonna put this in the tags but seeing as this post is already so long i might as well put a readmore and just put this here lol: my period is late, like, four days late, which is exceedingly unusual for me and might mean i’m finally done. or almost done. fingers crossed.

my voice has started to settle, it seems like. i popped out an e2 yesterday, which is Sick, but i’m not as focused on that anymore as i am on the actual quality of my tone. which is...good? i’m not just a baritone, i’m kind of a good one, at least it seems like. i’m really working right now on just getting familiar with my instrument - i’m second-guessing my pitch sensitivity a lot, but i think i really just need to drill and practice until everything starts feeling like second nature again. but since the musical didn’t happen for me, my coach wants to enter me in a classical solo competition next spring. so...no more retirement from competitive singing. i’m back! and thank god, because i’m starting to go crazy without being in musical work lol.

jesus fuck, i have a lot to say. i should probably split this into two posts but i don’t care. i am frustrated; i tried to get an appointment with a pro bono legal program for a name change, but it happened today and i wasn’t invited so apparently i’m on my own. and i’m frustrated. i’m trying to look at internships and shit for next summer, but i kind of can’t apply right now because my legal name and sex don’t line up with my presentation, and i don’t really know how easy it is to get away with that in this day and age and especially in my field. genuinely, if anyone has any advice, i’d appreciate it. i don’t know how long this will take, i don’t know what the requirements are, i don’t know if i’m better off just applying now and hoping they don’t eliminate me before ever getting me an interview. and, of course, i’m working on getting consultations for top surgery, but i keep catching myself procrastinating that. which seems weird, but listen. i’ve said it before but i have to emphasize, i am capital-t Terrified of getting this surgery. i know i need to, i know it will make things better for me, i know now is the time, i know i hate binding and can’t really get away with not doing so, but jesus fuck i am so frightened of anesthesia it’s not even funny. but i guess i’m mostly just calling myself out here and telling myself to quit being a big baby, schedule the thing, and give myself a few months to prepare.

anyway. that’s all i have to say. i’d apologize for ranting, but honestly...i dunno. i know at the start of all this a handful of you requested these updates, and i have to imagine it’s because at least some of you are transitioning, are thinking of doing so, or know someone who is or will be soon. and i just hope someone out there can at least relate, because there honestly just aren’t a lot of comparable life changes out there. or maybe this is just therapeutic for me, that’s fine too.

i have two midterms next week i should be studying for. i should do that.

[imanes]

I loved the ways of king too and the series is definitely one of my fave but this man cannot write dialogues that aren't plot relevant,,, i don't kno how to explain but his dialogues are painful like it's different if you tell a reader that your character is clever than if you let your readers feel it through the scenes,, all shallan chapters were annoying to read up until the second book for me. Also all scene of romance he tries to do are terrible, he rlly shouldn't try ndnskskek

i’m gonna have to disagree with you on the relevance of his dialogues i think the man knows how to write a. amazing dialogues (i was just telling that to people from my reading group the other day... nobody does dialogues like he does!) and b. not plot-centric dialogues. see: lightsong in warbreaker, specialist of going into somewhat irrelevant tangents, but i reckon it’s a personality trait. however i somewhat agree with you on shallan. the best part of her chapter is jasnah kholin aka my one and only. i think it’s a matter of personal taste but as someone who reads 70 books at the same time and who’s had time to really get to know what i personally prefer for my dialogues, i think brandon sanderson does really well for me. i don’t think shallan’s dialogues are supposed to prove that she’s smart (although she is, no matter how much she can get on my nerves), they’re supposed to prove that she’s contradictory and that she doesn’t quite yet grasp her own sense of selfhood. i also see that if she weren’t put in the same book as characters like jasnah, kaladin, szeth and dalinar, she’d probably be a very decent main character, but she doesn’t charm me the way the others do. in a way i think sanderson’s dialogues are a way of showing the reader that the characters are smart in different ways, not just telling readers about it. telling vs showing happens mostly in the narration imo, not necessarily the dialogues. important scenes can (and sometimes should) be dialogue-centric, to let the characters develop their own voices and thoughts and ideology, rather than the author telling you how incredibly intelligent and skilled they are through the narration and then letting them act like idiots and say dumbass shit. i’ve seen it too many times for me not to recognise how much it pisses me off aldkfjgsdl i literally cannot articulate how much i hate books with very little dialogue or with very irrelevant sub-plots and side quests full of pseudo witty banter (yes i am talking about a gathering of shadows by v.e. schwab)

as for the romances idk about that book just yet but in what i’ve read from him (elantris, warbreaker) i may be in the minority by saying that i don’t mind his romances. his mormonism definitely shines through at times (like the very concept of the cosmere and how everything is cosmically connected) and i think the romances that he writes are kind of a reflection of that, as in they can be somewhat conservative and ‘bland’, which is honestly something i can get behind. however i will say that idk about the romances in this book just yet! i reckon i might be annoyed in anything shallan is involved, bc she’s shallan, and she’s at the bottom of the ranking of my fave characters. i hope to god she ends up with adolin and not kaladin, bc adolin is a bit bland too and they deserve each other LMAO

ok i sound like brandon sanderson has me on a payroll here alkjfklgjsl i swear there are things that are annoying me in the way of kings (despite also loving it so much), just not the same as you. but i think that my reading experience is different from yours, especially since i have conversations about the story and the characters with people on a daily basis and they somewhat “convinced” me to give a chance to shallan and i had to confront my own feelings about her lmao. in any other book, i’d find her a very interesting character. it just so happens that in this book in particular, there are so many GREAT characters (with great dialogues! noah fence akjdfgjkfl) that i’m just like meh.... 

anyways, thank you for sharing your thoughts!! do you have any other favorite fantasy books??

[dinahevans]

Triumphs part 1

Jake Gyllenhaal x OFC

Summary: Azelia is the basic stereotypical rich girl. She only wants to be involved with things with rich people and there businesses. But what happens when She gets impregnated by a down to earth celebrity Jake Gyllenhaal? Will she stay as her bitchy self our will she become a less self centred person?

Warning: Swearing and just a tiny bit of dirty talk.

Word count: 1.6k

A/N: First of I suck at summarizing stuff so there’s that. Another thing is I know some people feel a bit iffy about OC fics so I tried to keep the name calling to the minimum. I hope you guys enjoy this fic, it’s actually my first story on this site 🥰!!! Also side not my baby fever has SKYROCKETED. Idk what’s up with me. Also I take requests sooo hit me up🤙

“Ok repeat what you just told me but slower this time.” My best friend Delilah stated while sitting on my bed right beside me.

My voice was extremely shaky and I was on the verge of crying, so it’s understandable as to why Delilah can’t understand me. I’m a mess I couldn’t articulate any actually words everything I was saying sounded like Gibberish. Delilah handed me a tissue and patted my back telling me that things are going to be alright and she will always be there for me.

I took a deep breath and finally calmed myself down before saying defeatedly “I’m pregnant”

Delilah’s eyes grew wide. She had a lot of questions. This is something that she would never expect to happen to me, getting pregnant on accident. This is something she expected from her self. Delilah was always the wild one she always had different men in her bed each night and could survive 6 drinks of vodka before blacking out. Don’t get me wrong I could be just as wild, but typically this is the type of thing that would be expected from Delilah.

Ever since my mother and father split things have been very different. Despite the fact that they separated when my twin sister and I were 2. It still had a major effect on us both. My mother was a supermodel but after she gave birth to my sister and I she slowly stop taking gigs. She later got married to a Jewish Billionaire who raised us both as if we where is own. The problem came in with our father Robert Downey Jr. He didn’t like the fact that we were being raised with a lavish lifestyle and He didn’t want us to end up growing up being narcissistic and thinking we were better than anybody. He wanted us to be grounded and somewhat down to earth. Which causes issues between My mother and him. With my mother just wanting to give us what she couldn’t have as a child and my father thinking that spoiling kids isn’t the right way to earn there love. Sometimes There fight would get so bad that my mother wouldn’t let me see my father for months on end.

So spending most of my time with people like Delilah and some of my other rich friends have really took an effect on me. The idea of hanging out with commoners was somewhat weird. I had put the expectation on myself that I would also marry another rich man and we would have many children together who would be able to inherit our fortunes. So when my stepdad told me about a boy named Nathan I was extremely intrigued. My Step Dad told me about how his father is an very important figure in the investment businesses. My twin sister Amiliah says I should stop being materialistic and it doesn’t matter how much money my lover would have, it’s about how who they are as a person.

Sure she isn’t wrong but this world is ruthless and you need to be on the top if you want to survive. But now all of this is going down the drain after finding out what I had just found out.

“Who is the Father? Is it Nathan’s? OMG imagine a baby boy with your hair and Nathan’s eyes gosh that be sooo cute.” Delilah always got ahead of herself with just about anything but right now it felt like she was doing it too lighten the mood.

I sigh heavily I felt like a disappointment, and I hated it. “The baby isn’t Nathan’s… Nate and I haven’t sleep with each other yet, cause if we did I would have told you already.”

Delilah was getting annoyed with me at this point but she tried to keep cool.

“Okay then whose child are you pregnant with? Is it some commoners? Is that why you're too ashamed to tell me?” I gave her a weird look, she should know better than too think I would stoop down low. Despite the fact that Amiliah and I are Twins we don’t share the same ideology and thinking. Sleeping with a commoner is something that Amiliah would do.

“Oh gosh no lilah he’s and actor we’ve seen a few of his movies before, his name is Jake Gyllenhaal.” Delilah sighed in relief knowing that if I did get pregnant by a commoner it was cause a whole lotta trouble for me and my parents (mostly my stepdad).

“Have you told him yet?”

“No it was a one time thing I don’t even have his number so I wouldn’t be able even if I wanted too.”

Delilah looked at me for a few seconds before proceeding to say “And you're sure it’s his baby? And are you just basing this off of one pregnancy test or did you go to the doctors as well?”

“YES Lilah I’m sure it’s his baby he’s the last person I’d sleep with in a while. And YES I went to the doctors as well I’m not that dense.” I sighed this is not how I planned things to go yeah sure she Jake isn’t some commoner he is an A list celebrity but Jake isn’t no investor, he isn’t worth almost a billions dollars.

“Well we are going to need to talk to him he can’t be in the dark. Lucky for you I have his number based off of mutual friends, I mean we’ve never had any proper conversation but that’s aside the point.” Delilah Handed me over her phone, with jakes number on the screen.

“How fucking convenient of you to just so happen to have his phone number.” I mean that is strange. Out of all the things she just so happens to have my soon to be baby daddy’s phone number.

“You shouldn’t be surprised I literally have everyone’s phone number. Now call him and put the phone on speaker.”

“Alright”

As I was about to click on the call button I had a wave of anxiety rush up on my skin and I started to get slightly nervous but I let it all slip down and tried to gain somewhat of confidence. I hit the call buttons and waited

The phone soon answered

“Hey… Delilah why are you calling me this early in the morning? It’s like 3:27 am”

“Umm it’s Azealia I’m using Delilah’s phone to talk to you.” I sounded extremely nervous and I hated myself for it I wanted to play it cool but it didn’t seem to be working for me.

“Oh… umm… ok sorry but who exactly are you I don’t know an Azealia?”

“I’m the girl you slept with from the Bay Blue club about two months ago.” God this felt awkward

“Oh yeah I remember… ah yeah but what is it that you had to call me for.” He was slightly impatient probably due to the fact that he wanted to go back to bed since he had to get up early and discus the latest script he received. There were so many faults and errors it was almost embarrassing.

I took a huge deep breath and Delilah took her hand into mine. “Well I just called to tell you that I’m pregnant and the baby is yours.”

Oh dear lord all hell broke loose. Jake jumped out of his bed and started pacing around asking questions each millisecond.

“What do you mean your pregnant? I always use protection it can’t be.”

“How do you even know it’s mine? You better not be lying trying to get some sort of 5 minutes of fames.”

“Is this some kind of sick joke to you?You don’t just lie to people like that.”

“How do I even know your telling the truth?”

Jake has every right to be skeptic. I shouldn’t have been surprised too think that he wouldn’t believe me and think I was some sort of attention whore. But at last I was shocked and was taking back by his questions.

“You think I would lie about something like this? How low do you think I’d stoop? Why would I try and steal any of your money when I have millions in my bank account and my Father own a billion fucking dollar oil industry! I just thought I should have been a decent person and inform you on what I had found out but obviously you have a stick way too up your ass. Delilah look proud of me, she too did not like that he’d assume that you where some attention whore.

I went too hard on him I will admit it but in the moment I was extremely defensive.

“Ya well… I remember putting on a fucking condom so it must be some other guy you threw yourself too.” Jake didn’t really mean what he said but he wasn’t going to let his pride down.

Jake was getting on my nerves at this point but I wasn’t going to let him win this fight. “Oh yeah so you don’t remember telling me how you can’t wait to cum in my inside my pussy, and how you can’t wait to see me dripping in your juices? Or was that all a figment of my imagination?”

Jake felt defeated it does sound like something he would say but he just couldn’t believe it, I had to be lying to him… Jake was getting old he’s 37 years old not married and no children maybe there is something too this. Maybe if she isn’t lying to him he could try to find and make something out of this.

Jake sighed while rubbing his hands over his face.

“So how when’s the baby due?”

A/N: I wanted to keep the first chapter straight to the point and short just so people get the gyps of it. Also there will be a lot more characters (and drama) in the future.

[softgrungeprophet]

it’s that time again. time for me to be annoyed/frustrated at the comics that came in the 20-teens that simultaneously responded directly to the 2000s, followed in the 2000s’ continuation, but completely glossed over and ignored the very serious topics that were brought up. and then we get the fucking 2018 run which does NEITHER and just seeks to make it worse for shock value without being even remotely thoughtful about anything it does! wow.

we could have had some really interesting growth for eddie and the symbiote’s relationship by honestly addressing things like eddie’s illness, hypocrisy as anti-venom, his status as a victim of abuse, and so on...

of course i know if i say “eddie is a victim” people will get hissy but like.... i’m not saying he’s an innocent blameless baby who was manipulated into being the weirdo he is... i’m just saying... he’s a victim of abuse. he’s been taken advantage of a lot. almost any help he’s received has required some kind of reciprocation.

he’s a shithead and he went off the deep-end after new ways to die because remender’s version of eddie fucking sucks, he’s smug and weird and violent, and also he’s been neglected and tortured and abused and experimented on and he needs therapy and blah blah blah

he’s also not some fuckin accidental drunk driver who was hit into thinking he’s innocent. that’s so fucking--jeez. everything about these retcons donny has been doing miss the point even more than the comics he says he loves so much. it’s wild. like i don’t like new ways to die OR new ways to live, remender’s run was okay but i hated the way he wrote eddie, marvel knights spider-man just sucks in general, the hunger 03 also sucks, but like they do feed into each other in a way that.... sort of makes sense....

i just wish there was a way any of the comics would have said, “hey look there are some ways in which eddie is a victim but there are also some ways in which he needs to take responsibility for his actions”

but that kind of nuanced take is impossible for the way these comics are put out and canceled and retconned and so on forever.. it’s so ... ugh.....

the hunger 03 sucks... it also influenced over a decades’ worth of Venom comics including costa’s in its own weird way.... and i just wish we could simultaneously be like, Yes the symbiote is not inherently evil or corrupting but Also it did abuse Eddie, and Yes Eddie has been treated poorly for a great deal of his life and Also is a motherfucker who needs to be held responsible for his actions.

Is this hypocritical to be like, “can we address the 2000s” while also saying “2018 run is not valid”

in my defense even the shitty 2000s were like a continuity and didn’t try to fully retcon every single aspect of venom lore that ever existed (tho it sure did plenty of retconning....) whereas the current run... is doing exactly that....

of course this goddamn run will probably also influence the following comics unless the next writers retcon the retcons or like, ignore it and it gets put into its own earth or something. idk. like no one really counts dark origin right? and that works cause it also had a negligible influence on the rest of the comics. but like, the bad hunger had a very lasting impact on the comics. so i guess we just hope that donny cates, despite currently selling super well, does not actually influence any of the comics that come after?

i don’t fuckin know. i just think it kind of sucks that like “eddie was abused” is something that gets used as either a “lol no that never happened and if you talk about it you hate the symbiote” or else an excuse to demonize the symbiote even after its own character growth arcs in the apparently supremely unpopular gotg and space knight stuff... lol

maybe if every fucking series from 2013 to 2016 (minus costa which is honestly more 2017) didn’t get canned we could have gotten more. like honestly, 2016′s Carnage--for all its flaws--seemed like it had something to say about Eddie as a character, about his flaws and so on, and I gotta wonder where that was going. It flat out says “Venom didn’t make Eddie Brock a bastard” so like? But then at the same time all of the symbiotes in that series were completely silent so? I don’t even know.

Cullen Bunn was clearly going somewhere too but I have no idea where other than “symbiote is alive but has trouble communicating” and “eddie is coming down from his murder spree as he realizes flash thompson is in fact helping people as agent venom”

the two fit together in a very strangely complementary way. sometimes i gotta wonder about a universe in which those two comics in particular ran concurrently to address venom, flash, toxin, and eddie’s many issues. but toxin’s probably gone... though in my heart they are with jubulile and her mom in south africa, learning what it’s like to be part of a loving family...

man. the resigned “Okay.” at the end of twav...... twav good imo.

anyway

i don’t even know what the point of this is. i’m all over the place in this post. it’s frustrating that donny has made it kinda impossible to bring up eddie’s victimhood without like... qualifying it to the ends of the earth to clarify that you don’t think he’s some kind of pure cinnamon roll who’s been dreadfully manipulated for 12 years....

I feel like I’m not making any sense!!! Words are hard.

I feel like I’ve kinda been avoiding writing about the symbiote though in part because it’s hard for me to balance that many characters and in part because of Donny’s stupid bullshit, which is dumb as fuck but I guess that’s what he wanted huh!!!! Need to read Lethal Protector to cleanse my palate but it’s taking forever to get it from the library because they only have one copy.

ugh

The symbiote is not an evil creature like he wants everyone to think... goddammit.... but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t carefully address both its and Eddie’s mistakes without fabricating new different mistakes to obscure the previous ones. Or whatever. Fuckin I don’t know lol the entirety of the continuity is just a bunch of bullshit. 80s-90s continuity largely separate from 2000-20...15ish continuity largely separate AGAIN from the 2016 continuity yet also directly tied to it, against completely separated from the 2018 continuity which is off saying “fuck you” to literally every venom writer to ever exist since Eddie’s conception, ironically including the guy who wrote the cursed hunger

What am I trying to say! I don’t know! i feel like a broken record. There’s a lot of empty space between Agent Venom and 2016 that was never filled! also between 2016 and 2018 lmfao.

Donny “everything went wrong and I’m not going to explain how other than ‘God’ and ‘Eddie lost his job cause screaming symbiote’“ Cates really pullin some shit. what do you mean eddie tends to work toward solving his own problems EVEN WHILE DYING. waid’s mini-story in NWTD showed that eddie, despite being sad and sick and exhausted was still like.... eddie, stubbornly searching out his own solutions and getting angry. ofc i’m not sure how well it succeeded at parts. the comics in those days were still pretty steeped in the weird symbiote hallucinations that it was never clear if they were meant to be caused by the symbiote or just eddie’s sick brain. like the Last Temptation. I have a love-hate relationship with those two issues... I think they’re pretty well-done but also something about them just rubs me the wrong way. 

Anyway back to Cates: it’s not like there wasn’t space for a spiral after FH or anything. You could have really dug into Eddie and the symbiote’s insecurities wrt family and parenting. but nah. let’s just make it so there’s a SECRET CHILD, and oh the pre-established sibling? we could have dug into her and made her a real character. but no, she doesn’t exist, women are either fake or dead or violated.

asshole.

but again like..... the 03 hunger, cursed and bad... like... it’s still workable. you can work with the corrupting forces, the addiction metaphor (on the SYMBIOTE’S part, with adrenaline) and the intense codependency, and still have them move on and into a healthier-by-comparison relationship.

but cates’ run is like... much harder to recover from if it has as lasting of an effect, because it leaves no part untouched, and goes beyond “normal” abuse into really weird unforgiveable territory... like the canon of that comic is the canon in which everything has been completely changed into something unrecognizable.

i joke about my AUs being unrecognizable because, visually at least, they WOULD be unrecognizable for most Venom fans, but the comics inform them as characters a lot in the stories i write in those AUs, from the 96 good hunger, to the 03 bad hunger, to space knight to venom inc, and so on. But donny cates really is out here essentially reverse-engineering retcons to justify his characterizations.

barely related: the way eddie was raised and the way he coped by overachieving and so on and so forth makes me think he would have--despite presumably gaining a great deal of confidence in college once out of his father’s home--been really vulnerable to being taken advantage of by like, other students or teachers, but idk how exactly to articulate what i mean like... uh... not even that he WAS taken advantage of but that his need for validation would have left him open to it... i guess??

that’s got pretty much nothing to do with this post though but kinda ties into what i’ve said before about how i think eddie was a withdrawn and isolated adolescent who only opened up in college. why i disagree with donny’s retcon for that reason in addition to other reasons--the way he’d been shown to be bullied as a kid in previous comics, as well as the lack of history of alcoholism, the clarification in lethal protector that carl wasn’t physical, so on and so forth.

again that’s not related to this post really... and it’s like, a good 50% headcanon, but it makes sense in my head as something that fits his history?? i guess?

[clumsyclifford]

hello!! i am back and on desktop this time. the blog is just as pretty. alex + yellow = v v attractive jfc. this is a long one so buckle in.

to begin: i hope you have the most fun on your day road trip and sing your heart out to atl and taylor swift. i love driving long distances and idk just driving in general is fun. have the absolute best time MWAH

my birthday is in november!! november 23 to be specific. i share it with miley cyrus which is something i always found to be very cool when i was growing up and watching hannah montana. it also means i am a sagittarius and funny little fact i realized is that my best friend is a gemini. alex and jack are also a sagittarius and a gemini. from being 13 i know that tyler and josh from twenty one pilots are also a sagittarius and a gemini. something about sagittarius and gemini besties idk.

also yeah!! ao3 year in review!! it's a bit complicated to figure out at first and if you read a lot the finding pages thing can be pretty tedious, but it's def worth it once you figure it out. it gives you a lot of different stats about everything you read and it's pretty cool. now i am going to go look at your fics to remember my favs. you deserve the praise so i am willing to offer it. jeez you write a lot i respect the motivation sm. you write quite a bit of angst and i won't lie i try to stay away from angst so i haven't read your fics that seem super angst-y based on the tags. BUT there are still so many i recall reading and loving nonetheless. on a quick scroll-through: i usually don't read high school AUs but "paint me in trust (i'll be your best friend)" was super adorable and lovely. "thank god i'm yours" is one of my favs iirc. also i love love love "it's not always easy (but i'm here forever)" like yes please romanticize alex gaskarth i love it sm. "i won't be silent (and i won't let go)" and "i fell asleep in a city that doesn't" are both super fluffy and romantic and are favs of mine. in case you haven't picked up on it i adore very fluffy and romantic fics lmao. alright i am continuing to scroll and there are so many more i could list that i love but this section is getting quite long. just know if it's about a kitchen or hotel rooms being for lovers i probably read it and adored it and that pov is so valid.

waterparks!! will not lie i only really started listening to them about 6 months ago having been distantly aware of their existence for several years by being a fan of bands in the same genre. listen as long as you let yourself be vaguely annoyed by awsten is prevents you from being in love with him. follow him on any social media platform for like a day and you'll be sick of him typing in nothing but all caps within hours. simply do not romanticize him and you can keep yourself from falling!! so this is coming from a slightly fake parx fan, but some of my favs by them have been peach (lobotomy), crave, numb, fuzzy, violet!, you'd be paranoid too, and lowkey as hell. that is a very songs-from-their-most-recent-album-heavy rec, but whatever. i did give the disclaimer about being a fake parx fan.

yeah hayley does have 2 solo albums now!! petals for armor and flowers for vases / descansos. pfa is the one i didn't really like upon first listen but has grown on me. i haven't even listened to the second one in its entirety oops but we won't mention it. dead horse is good but simmer (pretty sure that was the other single??) just ain't it for me. the album has some lovely songs but it's just a hit or miss album all the way through. some favs of mine on it include pure love, taken, crystal clear, watch me while i bloom, and why we ever. it's sorta a storyline album about healing if that adds anything to it?? but anyways. i started listening to paramore around the time after laughter dropped and it grew to be one of my fav albums in existence. idle worship is probably one of my fav songs like ever. i def understand being slightly put off by bands with songs that make religious references (me with twenty one pilots' earlier music that makes a lot more religious references considering i'm not religious whatsoever) but i think i am blinded by being in love with hayley williams and just ignore it. idk that she's like super religious?? she's addressed believing in god and stuff a few times but she's def not the "rub it in your face" type and if she's making refs in music more recently then they're subtle enough i'm not noticing them. ik albums like brand new eyes had a lot more because it was shortly after that the band split and the songwriting process was essentially her and ex-bandmate co-songwriter arguing about their religious beliefs (turns out he ended up being super homophobic and transphobic all based on his religion so do with that what u will and thank the clown for leaving). i feel u on the "i meant to start listening to them" because that's essentially how i started listening to them. i told myself i was going to and then finally forced myself to do it. fuck falling for awsten knight what's more risky is falling in love with hayley </3

also yeah!! you've articulated my feelings towards tde. every song is so vastly different that it's hard to like it all. #1 fan is pretty decent though, and that's not just my bias about finding both ross and his gf hot and a cute couple and getting to see them together and ross half naked in a mirror in the video nope not at all. he's my fav himbo!! he has no personality!! no thoughts head empty!! i still love him and his strawberry-growing saga on twitter tho <3 the hazard of being in love with ross lynch since i was 12. girlfriend better be a fucking banger and there's quite a few already released singles in the tracklist so i have hope. i believe my show is in chicago on november 19 which is a thursday. kinda sucks since i intentionally bought the chicago tix nearly two years ago (the show was originally supposed to be april 25 2020. lol.) because the show was on a saturday and i have to drive 3 hours to get there. obviously i can't speak for them as tde but r5 shows always fucking slapped and i can vouch for them (realized i haven't seem them live since 2016?? 5 YEARS?? wtf) so if u genuinely like them. would recommend going to see them.

anyways. i have not listened to luke's solo album yet. i plan on it. this has gotten so long but i tried to respond in all areas and even organized it in different paragraphs this time (thanks being on desktop!!). hope you are well. hope you have a lovely day. hmm what's a little "going on in my life" fact. i got new glasses a few days ago and my eyes essentially said fuck off because adjusting to the new prescription has left me with eyes that hurt and occasionally slightly nauseous. here is to hoping my eyes get their shit together. mwah LOVE YOU TOO - the other bella/cubs anon/idk

okay hi hello. i have put this off because holy hell it's long but let's do it. i am putting a cut because this whole thing is long even without my answer

first: the road trip was super fun thank you!!! i am intrigued by this information regarding sags and geminis, we should do some scientific inquiry. enquiry. i don't know if there's a difference between those words.

aha! well i tried the ao3 year in review thing and i would say it had about 55% accuracy but still i agree it's fun to look back at that kind of stuff. and i feel you on the angst thing i go through phases of writing angst-heavy stuff and then writing very fluffy stuff and it is entirely based on my mental state buuuut i have lots of fluff and i'm glad you found it all and that you liked it yay <333 KITCHENS ARE FOR LOVERS i will die on that fuckin hill. hotel rooms as well but primarily kitchens.

dfgjhgdlfkhgdfmj honestly i dont use twitter enough that i would see his tweets enough that that would bother me also the fact that he tweets in all caps means that i just picture him yelling everything he tweets which i find absolutely hysterical so i don't think that would help. i have added these parx songs to my listen asap playlist and will get to them when i get a chance thank you i am excited also i already know lowkey as hell and it slaps super hard so im very much lookin forward to the rest of these. merci merci

YEAH simmer was the one i didnt vibe with. and honestly i feel zero compulsion to get into hayley williams as a solo artist. i just don't vibe enough to want to do that so i doubt i'll be listening to her anytime soon but maybe if i hear the songs in passing or get super bored one night, idk who can really say. but yeah christianity typically puts me off of music (speaking as a very jewish bitch) although there are notable exceptions in the cases of thomas rhett and the driver era. i'm just not attached to hayley enough to be like ehhh this doesnt matter. does that make sense

FAVORITE HIMBO PLEASE HGSDFGDFGKLFGJ i dont follow him on twitter but i have seen some interviews of ross and rocky and tbh they're great i love the way ross speaks like i like his speech mannerisms and i like his FACE and HAIR and. yeah. i think hes pretty. and i think he and 5sos SHOULD collab i think that would be sexy as hell. can you imagine that. oh my god can you imagine a ross lynch/luke hemmings collab. i'm not even really talking to you anymore bella because i know you haven't listened to luke yet and don't have a stake in it but if anyone else is reading this long ass answer. ross & luke collab. okay im going to move on and not think about that now. but i probably won't see tde unless i get a job this semester because i'm trying to stop spending so much money on big indulgent things like concerts likeee i was in a really good habit of not spending that much and then suddenly i got paid for one summer and i was just goin Crazy and i need to dial it back. plus i wanna see ajr and noah kahan equally bad so like. i have to make some calls about priorities here. it's Much to think about

good luck to your eyes i'm sure your new glasses are hella cute tho!!! LOVE YOUUUUUUU

[to-be--naked]

Michael Agras

Things that worry or annoy me with Michael

Reasons I am Breaking Up with Michael

Things regarding Michael Agras...

His jokes are kind of tedious, and there is no wit

I’m being codependent. It's putting me in unrelenting crisis.

He doesn't hype me up enough

I feel like if I got too unstable, he would leave

He gets defensive and angry a lot

He takes me for granted

He makes me feel unimportant

He has shit ass communication skills

I’m having mass jealousy issues

He won’t talk things out in a fight. Today yelling at me that he “isn’t fucking negotiating shit” with me. Bc he promised me three days, and I settled for anyway this weekend and Friday that works on his whim. 01.28.21... // he seems to be taking into consideration my feelings and needs more, and changing/adapting. It's not a huge difference, but the fact he immediately started doing it, like I didn't have to ask twice, is really promising. He listened. I was heard 02.08.2021

He makes me feel like I ask for too much

He just leaves a convo, and doesn’t say what he is doing or when he will be back. Then gets annoyed when im wtf is going on?

He straight up said, “I dont know how to handle your emotions”. 01.28.2021 // idk if im getting better about expressing myself, or he is reacting differently, but its a little better? 02.08.2021

He apparently doesn’t learn from mistakes. Apparently I am saying the same stuff Alyssa and his parents say. Like, uhhh, maybe YOU are the problem? 01.28.2021

He masterbates to porn

He doesn't appreciate good music

Im worried that either A) our relationship won’t work as I can’t explore my whole self B) I won’t explore my whole self bc of our relationship.

He can be kind of ignorant

He isn’t as intelligent as most the men I get serious serious with

When I make reaction sounds to things while I’m on the phone with him, he doesn’t inquire about them. Feels like he isn’t interested in me

He isn’t deep

We have nothing to talk about a lot of the time

vvv HUGE PROBLEM vvv

He doesn’t see me as the gender that I am

He holds me back from exploring that part of myself bc im always seen as female, and stereotypical feminine characteristics and behaviors are rewarded with attention and praise.

He is straight

Not in touch with his feelings

No strong pull to help others

Not spiritual or religious

No STRONG pull to be a father.

I dont feel passion. I feel desire, but no passion.

I am not in love with him

He is not in love with me

He isnt over Alyssa 01.26.2021

Im not over rick 01.25.2021

Uhm, he just “read” my okcupid profile, and didnt say a word about it. That profile lays out black and white who I am and who i want to be. ALL of my goals and ambitions. Every media thats had a significantg impact on me. Nothing??!!

He will never understand the hurt i have gone through or the pain I carry with me daily

He isn’t good at communicating certain things and it triggers my BPD

Its not a big deal, but he really isnt hairy enough for my taste

He doesn’t understand existential angst

He doesn’t understand spiritual angst

He can’t articulate his emotions

He doesnt understand how hard life inherently is for me.

He doesnt share ALL of the same humor (important ones too)

I hold back saying things in fear he will want to leave me

From what I’ve seen, im going to have to always say sorry first

He isn't romantic, and im a hopeless romantic

nbd, but he likes really stupid humor. god, when i wanted to watch Frasier, he said that show was “too smart” for him. How can you not love frasier. Well, i guess by not understanding it

He isn’t very reassuring. He used to be tho

His gender is sooooo boring and one-deminsional 

he will say stuff like “i dont have to x” and then get madd when i say ok, then dont do x...

he just told me that he looks at porn while we are on the phone together

He doesnt show any interest in learning about my past. I have a complex history, and its important the person i am with can recognize how that has effected me. “i had an hour long seizure” oh, okay. “they took away my psych meds when i was in jail” *head nod and continues to play video games “my dad used to beat me” im sorry. WHAT THE FUCK

I dont feel seen.

I feel like we are on different wavelengths.

he says the fucking n word. not cool dude! he doesnt even have any black friends!

he has no interest in learning about my disorders and how they effect me

He never seems interested in things that I say

there are a lot of questions that i dont ask bc i dont want to know the answer

he doesnt reassure me enough

two different ideras on non mono and poly

ive started apologizing a lot and feeling like a bother

he gets quiet during fights and it triggers me

I know he doesn’t use they/them when talking about me to others

Things I <3 about michael

He is encouraging

He respects my feelings

He is patient with me.

He is goofy

He buys me things

Potentially neurotypical babies (but DO I want that? id be the odd one out)

💕💕💕 He is a good daddy 💕💕���� (not really anymore tho feb 4, 2021)

He pushes me to be better

his teeth are both cute and well taken care of

He is healthy

he is tall 

His life is well-balanced

I think he may be someone capable of change.

He has a stable career

[stillsolo]

for the first in a while, I'm gonna ... try to take it easy, today.  

I actually have a lot to do but I really need to chill the fuck out for a second and take a breather.  my OCD's made my life remarkably difficult lately and I've begun to disassociate in order to cope.  I know disassociation plays a key role in obsessive-compulsive disorders; I know my OCD's fairly severe and it's been getting worse as I get older, but I'm not...usually this bad.  Even when under stress.

for example, a batch of 200 commissioned banner icons suddenly turns into 400+, and I'm still not done because I can't stop keep remaking them.  

oh, this one's coloring is off. but these frames are split second to each other ... can't have that, gotta redo 'em. 

 wait, the pixels are...'weird' looking in the corner, here.  rejected.

this one could've been cropped way better.  how could I expect them to use this?

why is this one in the 'final version' folder when the border around it overlapped a part of the icon?

I need to redo these 73 because the shadow is too dark and blocky beneath the icon.  it’s supposed to be a fade.  it’s what they ordered and you’re not giving them what they asked for. 

someone's paying you for this shit get it TOGETHER

yesterday, my OCD got triggered about 3 times?  I have a couple of forms.  I had a breakdown in front of my mother after she came home and asked me if I ate and I know I must've made some kinda stupid face that gave it away because seconds after she'd asked, I realized I didn't know what the hell ate other than the toast she'd watched me eat before she left for work at 9am.  It was 11pm when she asked.  

I also had mini-breakdown while talking to my customer and it was terribly embarrassing.  I got a nosebleed to top it all off too lmao  ( i'm so sorry if you're reading this, john omfg you've been the best to me and I'm sorry because I'm sure all you'd wanted was icons to rp sdfkjsd )

but I just. 

All of my friends think OCD is just me having high ass standards or just being 'know-it-all'.  I've been called that all my life.  In fact, I've been called that by friends I thought would never say anything like that about me because I thought we were friends

We live in this new age of 'awkward is cute'.   It's hip to be square, cool to be uncool, and sexy to be nerdy and quirky.  and there isn’t any better way to declare your individuality and weirdness than branding yourself 'so OCD' about something.  

Ahaha.

I fucking loathe people who do this.

OCD isn't a quirk or a set of tendencies.  It's not fucking buzzf.eed list, not a little buzzf.eed quiz you can take and readily relate to the results; it's an incapacitating, isolating disease that makes you afraid of your own mind.

If my friends could see, just once, what it's like for me, when I'm caught in an obsessive-compulsive loop, maybe then they'd finally understand me when I say ''''it's bad''''.

Even Something as simple as drawing a line-art from a sketch turns into a complete and total nightmare.  8/10 times, I'll redraw the line-art like — hm, I don' dunno — about 7 fuckin' times in a row, then, delete all of it because IDK, it wasn't 'right'?  ( Who am i kidding; I do the same with sketches ヽ(・ω・)ﾉ  )

Oh, yeah, for sure.  Me and my ‘high fucking standards' did this.

NO.  No one in their right mind would do this.  They wouldn’t re-draw the same fucking drawing 7 times in a row and the same layer style over and over, not even changing things up to maybe get some progress.      Nobody.  Jfc.

And oh, god, that moment when you realize, it's been more than 8/9 hrs since you began and you haven't eaten or drank anything; you don't remember the last time you looked at your phone or what the hell happened to the time because last time you looked, it was 11am and now it’s 9:48pm.

Moreover, you made exactly zero progress on your project — because IDK — there’s no valid reason?  JUST COULDN'T STOP HA

I never thought I would talk about this, but uh, Y'all know how much I love han.  I want Han to be seen in the best light possible.  while SW has been one of the few things that have held a light in my life, he's helped me become a better person in more ways than I can articulate.  and no, I don't mean I suddenly started picking trash up off the highways.

I mean, by writing him in this amazing place filled with people I don’t have IRL who share my interests, I’ve met so many new people, friends, learned so many lessons, about characters and life and writing.  

When I began writing Han, here, I had just learned what present and past tense was in English.  I was winging my writing, trying really hard to understand.  English isn't my first language.  In Cantonese, my native language, there's no such thing as a past tense.  

By writing Han with you guys, I've taken huge steps in life, without even realizing it. 

So, everything I do for han, I want for it to be good.  

Not outstanding, and definitely not exemplary or nonpareil — just ... good. 

And icons — haha.  I love icons.  I love and hate making them.  similar to my writing, I work very hard on his icons.  ... but I need to learn where to draw the line.  

I once remade an icon 23 times before I was happy with it.  ( i had 23 versions left in my folder lmao ).  like these here?  10 versions of each, in the least. 

( the last one is kinda an exception... I think.  I made that one well over 25 times, for sure.  but I think it's because I'm not accustomed to Blaine's coloring yet. ) 

Wow, this really turned into a long post.  I don't really care, though.  My OCD is something that has always been completely ignored IRL.  Shit, it's ignored by even my online friends.  I can't even game online without one of them thinking I must get off on establishing my superiority and overall knowledge of '???’ game.  Haha.

'Show me your build?' :D 'Er...nah. I think I'll pass.' 'Why?  What's the matter?' 'You'll pick it apart.'

It's never considered 'advice' when it's from me.  It's me as a know-it-all, as someone who looks down on others for not having up-to-par stats. 

I'm sorry I did the math for you so you wouldn't have to.  This is simply advice you're free to toss aside, but it's not like it matters.  Even if I reassured that—you're already too annoyed to listen for any longer.

So, I’ll also apologize for how I can recall faction modifiers, body part modifiers, critical hit and stealth modifiers, as well as debuffs; how a certain amount of damage of one type turns into inflicted damage to a target while considering type modifiers and armor, and knowing the damage formulas needed to calculate the number of hit points required to kill an armored or unarmored target, with or without a finisher multiplier figured in — because I want you to do the very best with your weapon of choice, even though I can name 5 different weapons that utterly outclass it by tenfold. 

In reality, I never had much of choice.  Information like that doesn't stop looping in my mind, even at night, when all I want is to sleep.

Sometimes ... I wish I could be that one character on a comedy show who has a quirky disorder or ''OCD'' and everyone seems to love him for it because he's funny when he does it or he's generally helpful 

More often than not, my OCD just ruins everything.  I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I need to take a breather.

[chimerafeathers]

just wanted to write out a bunch of My Hero thoughts/opinions because idk anybody else who watches it (or who would want to), but i don't really want to get into deep enough into the fandom to see the #drama

so, a bunch of random shit in no particular order:

- this is more about my relationship with anime in general but.... i always feel like i need to put a disclaimer on My Anime Opinions because of the perviness and fanservice and sexualization. it’s frustrating because the “shounen” genre (and yeah i know it’s not exactly a genre. whatever) caters to my interests in so many other ways!!! big, flashy battles, cool powers and magic systems, huge emphasis on The Power of Friendship, cheesy humor, great animation, everything is all kinds of HYPE and EXCITEMENT and FUN....but since shows like this are targeted towards teenage boys and often made by horny men, there’s also Boobs and token pervert characters that serve as an excuse to show More Boobs or Fantasize About Boobs. and the women’s powers are either “look i’m a girl!!!” (there were a couple of women early on in hunter x hunter whose powers were....sewing and vacuuming?? seriously??? and then another one later on who was an older woman who chose to make herself look like a little girl as her superpower??) or “what’s a power-related excuse to make these costumes As Skimpy As Possible” (cough cough Momo and Hagakure cough cough) or even having NO excuse (what the fuck, Bubble Girl, i know it was a fan design contest thing but that never should have been accepted it makes no sense i--) and that’s. really damn tiring and annoying. mha hasn’t quite crossed the line for me yet overall -- meaning my disgust with grape trash and other gross tropes hasn’t outweighed my enjoyment of every other aspect of the story and characters, and i hope that never becomes the case. (i tried to watch 7 deadly sins on netflix and??? the main character gropes an unconscious woman in literally the first episode with no consequences???? no fucking thank you!!!!! i’m OUT)

- anyway if anybody reads this and has any show recs that hit that Good Shounen Hype vibe with good animation, fantasy/sci-fi/superpower elements, but minimal (or nonexistent??) Creep Vibes, please send them my way. i know there are a bunch of good slice-of-life or comedy or drama shows that have queer themes and sensitive storytelling but man.....if there’s no magic or dragons what’s even the POINT

- on a related note, god fucking bless every “AU - M!neta M!norou Doesn’t Exist” fic on ao3, and everyone who makes every member of class 1-a queer in some way or another, so i can get my cool powers and great characters and dramatic plots without the threat of disgust and frustration

- also i just read the School Briefs series and while there were entirely too many chapters/sections that focused on grape trash, it WAS mentioned that Tiger of the Wild Wild Pussycats is canonically a trans man (who hasn’t been killed off!), and Shinso Hitoshi became the only man at UA I respect with one line: “He’s gotta be expelled for sexual harassment one of these days, right?”

- seriously, if shinso’s transfer gets approved i would literally rather have grape trash expelled than whoever ends up being the traitor (if it’s a hero course student. i honestly don’t really care about traitor speculation/theories).

- and yes “only man i respect” includes aizawa and every other 1-a boy who just!! lets shit happen with barely a comment!!! again, bless every fic where grape trash gets expelled early on or at the training camp because Hey, What He Does Is Fucked Up Actually and maybe someone who consistently disrespects and violates his peers’ boundaries and privacy shouldn’t be accepted as a HERO without getting some behavioral therapy first???? same kinda goes for bakugo too though, they really need to address his anger issues and beef with mido beyond “let’s force them to team up in high-stress situations even though this boy basically tried to obliterate the other one on, like, the second day of class. they’ll probably work it out!!”

- and on the subject of bakugo! i really fucking can’t ship him romantically with mido as their history and relationship stands in canon. (this is not meant to shame anybody for shipping it, i just want to articulate why it’s a notp for me personally. expressing my opinions is the point of this list.) i can see the foundations -- mido obsessed with baku, baku constantly frustrated by yet aware of mido, both of them being drawn to each other and tangled up in each other’s ideas of what it means to be a hero. but. baku made mido’s entire childhood hell. rejected and abused him for something he couldn’t control, ostracized him from all of his peers, mocked his passions, crushed his dreams, told him to jump off a roof. of course mido still clung to him--baku’s strong and smart and talented, and he was the only friend mido ever had, the only friend he had left, the “hero” he could see in his own life.

but at UA he has other friends, other heroes, people who support him and believe in him. it’s his chance to step outside of baku’s shadow and see his own self worth. and it’s baku’s chance to see how wrong he was, and outgrow his anger and prejudice!! see others as his equals instead of his inferiors! but it’s gonna take years for that to happen for both of them, and while i can see them becoming partners and friends who can finally talk to each other on the same level, and work together better than anyone because they know each other so damn well after everything they went through....i think they need to do that healing and growth separately, for the most part.

and like...okay, disclaimer, i am fully asexual and aromantic, so while i love reading shippy fics, there are some things i just cannot fucking understand or relate to. the whole “sexual tension between people who hate each other but can’t stop thinking about each other” or “arguments turn into make-out sessions” thing is just beyond me. if i hate a person i Do Not Want to be around them! at all!! so the idea that baku treats mido like that BECAUSE he’s attracted to him?? incomprehensible.

and on mido’s end, no matter how much he respects or admires baku, or even if he was endlessly infatuated with/attracted to him when they were younger, why the FUCK would he want to stay with someone who made him feel like dirt for so long, when he’s finally surrounded by people who love him fully and unapologetically? i want him to have more self-respect than that. i honestly, truly want to see baku grow and develop to the extent that he and mido can stand on the same level as equals. i want to see mido unashamed and unafraid, i want baku to apologize and mean it, i want mido to forgive him, i want baku to become the kind of hero mido always believed he could be.

but to me, that depth and complexity of relationship (while very very very good!!) is NOT the same thing as a romance, and turning it into one feels wrong when the foundations of it are just....baku tormenting mido, while mido had nothing and no one else to turn to. (his mom is great, but a parent is not the same as a friend, and she was literally the only person in his life who cared about him while baku and his cronies were beating him up and ridiculing him in front of teachers who turned a blind eye.) if they had been equal rivals from the beginning, with mido able to hold his own physically, socially, and/or emotionally instead of being left bruised and battered in the dirt every time, then sure! rivals to lovers, have at it. but for me, there’s gotta be that give-and-take.

i haven’t read shippy fic for those two and i’m sure there’s a lot of great stuff!! i’ve read platonic bk//dk-centric fic by writers who DO ship them and write mostly shippy stuff, and their take on that relationship is great and engaging and everything. but i feel like, to me, even when the growth and development of their canon-based relationship is handled really well, it’d feel wrong to me as soon as it turned romantic.

- .....which is one of the reasons why todo//mido is my JAM. bonding over shared loneliness and trauma, respecting each other as rivals right from the beginning, the contrast of chatty and sunny mido with quiet and calm todo, hurt/comfort on both sides, navigating their relationships with the people who have hurt them so much in the past, the capacity to be gentle and tender with each other while remaining passionate and dedicated rivals, growing and healing together, that good good Pining because neither one of them believes that they deserve the other, all of it!!! now THAT i can relate to and understand and see as the basis for romance. mido changed todo’s whole damn worldview in ONE FIGHT after todo spilled his whole tragic backstory to mido in their second conversation.

even so (and again, this might be ace/aro me not relating) i kinda roll my eyes whenever a fic emphasizes how attractive they find each other right away (especially on todo’s end, when mido is consistently described as plain or unremarkable). worst offenders are when they ~just so happen~ to be EXACTLY each other’s “type.” like, alright, sure, i gUESS.

it’s just so much more interesting to me if attraction follows affection instead of the other way around? especially in the context of canon events. but whatever, love at first sight’s just not my thing. never has been. and i like the idea that even though the start of their friendship is so chaotic and rushed in some ways, it still takes them time to get to know each other and come to terms with their own feelings. (slow burn slow burn SLOW BURN)

- okay those are all my more sincere/serious opinions

- i know canon is like “stop being such a crybaby :/” but mido crying all the time is one of my favorite things about him and i hope it never goes away, at least not completely

- some fics have mido getting growth spurts and getting really tall, and it’s an anime trope that getting taller parallels character growth/maturity (like Ed growing up in FMA after being short and mad about it was one of his defining characteristics for so long) but again......i just want him to stay short....please let my boy stay a small overemotional nerd.... hori please i’m begging you

-  it’s hilarious to me that the “dabi is a todoroki” theory is present in almost every single damn fic where that character makes an appearance. personally i have no stake in the theory (wouldn’t be surprised if it’s true, wouldn’t be disappointed if it isn’t) but i feel like it’s never gonna die even after his identity is truly revealed

- apparently shinso/kami is a decently popular ship and i.....have no idea if those two have ever interacted at all?? did they talk to each other in the show or in the manga or some side story and i missed it? are they popular JUST because they parallel eraser//mic to some extent??? or is it purely a case of “those personalities would be fun together--SHIP TIME”?? idk i don’t get it but it’s funny

- back to School Briefs, there’s a neat Kendo-centric chapter during the school festival that ends up being an introspective on kendo’s relationship with her own gender and the idea of performing femininity for the beauty pageant and it kind of rules??

- there’s also an entire chapter from the pov of koda’s bunny during their first couple days in the dorms. apparently koda can’t understand animals, he can just control them by talking to them!

- in shinso’s chapter he overhears the dance squad talking about the sports festival and he hears mido talk about how useful and great shinso’s quirk will be for hero work and shinso’s like “!!! thank you???? finally???” and then resolves to get stronger and make it into the hero course before they meet again

- during the school festival when mido ran off to make eri’s candy apples, iida and todo were like “is he running into trouble again?? can he PLEASE tell us where he’s going? we would track his phone but he never brings it with him anyways!!! what are we supposed to do about him!!!!” and then they found out what he was doing and went “oh ;u;”

- School Briefs in general (minus grape trash sections) were exactly the kind of “slice of life but there are superpowers” fluffy nonsense i always crave, would recommend

- also hilarious: baby mido in fic (especially de-aging fic) is often either a) the Most Precious Sunshine Child in Existence, even villains can’t help but adore him, or b) the most obnoxious, borderline-creepy, whiny little brat in existence, No Wonder Baku Couldn’t Stand Him. i imagine the “reality” would fall somewhere in the middle and it’s always a little jarring when authors so solidly fall on one extreme or the other lmfao

- just bnha fanfic things: “is this an intentional use of All for One vs One for All or was it a typo/mistake on the author’s part??”

- that’s all i’ve got for now yall i love these characters

[head-and-heart]

Am I the only one who think the episode was poor? I didn't like the writing, it's was a bit lazy and I still think Clarke's action was ooc to create more drama. Idk, it wasn't a bad episode but I didn't like it but I usually don't like the way Kim writes tbh

You’re definitely not the only one. I’ve seen a lot of complaints about it, actually.

Personally, I usually DO like Kim’s episodes, which is why this one was so disappointing. (I mean, Kim wrote “Nevermore”, which is honestly one of the best episodes not just in Season 3 but in the entire show IMO. And while I know this is an unpopular opinion in the BC fam, I REALLY enjoyed 3x03 as well) I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t love it - I didn’t have many strong feelings either way. There were just a bunch of things that I found a bit annoying.

I didn’t really find Clarke to be ooc to be honest. I think that for Clarke, as an extremely pragmatic character, that list was exactly how I would expect her to write it (besides Monty but that’s another problem I had with the episode). I don’t think that her making hard choices and using “its for my people” as justification was out of character. Clarke has always been that way. I don’t think her lying to the people in order to do so was out of character either. This season is going to be about Clarke learning about free will, for real this time. She isn’t perfect, she’s not a perfect leader. I like that the writers try to show her flaws. I also might add, I like that they like to explore those flaws when Clarke doesn’t have Bellamy at her side, and vice versa.

They centre each other. It shows when they’re apart.

Anyway, I haven’t rewatched the episode yet so I don’t know how well I’ll be able to pick out very specific things that bothered me about it, but I guess I’ll talk about the main ones.

I mentioned that I thought Monty being on that list was dumb. Not just because he wasn’t on it, but because OCTAVIA WAS. I have no idea how Octavia made that list (well, I do, but it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with Bellamy, and I don’t like that implication either). I’m not going to rant here because I already posted an all-caps rant about it here. So, if you’re interested in some screaming go right on ahead and click the link lol

The other big one I can think of is basically everything to do with Octavia’s fight scene with Echo and her “death”.

So much was wrong with that scene. I find it annoying that it was two to one and Octavia effortlessly took out the first warrior even though both of them have been training since they were children. It shouldn’t have been even close to an even fight. Octavia shouldn’t have even been able to hold up against Echo for as long as she did. Especially when you consider the fact that Bellamy disarmed and overpowered Octavia while he had his hands literally tied (and no weapon!) back in 3x10 when they confronted Pike in the span of like, three seconds. It bothers me how, in pretty much no time at all and practically no extra training, Octavia is suddenly hailed as this “badass” force of nature who is effortlessly fighting/killing all of these highly skilled and trained warriors left, right and centre. It doesn’t make sense and the sacrifice of continuity in order to make Octavia more “edgy” is getting old really fast.

I also hate the slow-mo they use in action scenes (not a criticism of 4x04, but the entire show as a whole). Why did they start using slow-mo in season 3? Its like they’re trying to be this big, cool action-movie and are trying to make everything look more badass but it just makes it seem lame. This is a character-driven show. It doesn’t need the slow-mo in order to appeal to people and never has. And the slow-motion glorifies violence in a way that it never used to before Season 3. And I don’t think that glorification was something the writers have ever intended but it makes it seem like thats what they are doing by adding in the slow-mo.

Octavia getting stabbed through the abdomen and falling off that cliff is so ridiculous I can’t even describe how fucking stupid it was. There is no way she could have survived that fall relatively unharmed. Even without that stab wound, she should have broken bones, probably snapped her neck. She should be DEAD. And I bet you anything that in the next episodes the only wound that will be addressed will be her stab wound, not anything she sustained during the fall. Because lets be real, that fall was just there to create drama and parallel her to Aragorn, but it didn’t look like she was suffering from any other injuries.

*clenches fists* URGHHHHH

HOW DID SHE PULL HERSELF ONTO A HORSE HOWWWWWWWWWWW A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN’T EVEN DO THAT WHEN THEY’RE IN GOOD HEALTH THIS MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE

I didn’t like Raven’s line to Luna: “It’s not your blood that defines you, it’s your heart.”

a) it’s cheesy as fuck and I despise cheesy things oh my god

b) it doesn’t sound like something Raven would say. I mean, didn’t we just spend last two episodes exploring how RUTHLESS Raven can be and how she just … doesn’t connect with people in the same way as someone who was more of a “heart” kinda person would? Not to say that Raven is heartless (cause she’s NOT) or doesn’t know how to empathize with people but she’s always been a head over heart kinda gal and, especially since we’ve seen that focused on so heavily lately, it seems odd that SHE would be the one to say that line. It implies that Raven thinks that a person’s morality and their compassion and all that shit are a LOT more important than what we’ve been led to believe by her actions in recent episodes. And believe me I’m not dragging Raven or anything because I love Raven and I love how pragmatic and rational she is, but this line seemed like it should have been written for someone else. It would have made more sense if someone like Abby said it.

(Anyway I have no idea how to articulate any of what I was trying to say but whatever)

c) it felt out of place in the scene and pretty much entirely unnecessary

Just all around an awkward line.

I didn’t like the piano music in Bellamy’s scene where he finds out about Octavia. It felt like they were trying to force the emotion onto us instead of just letting us feel it. I wish they had cut the music off entirely and just let us HEAR and SEE the emotion of the scene through Bellamy (and Kane’s) grief. That would have been a lot more impactful. I’ve seen other people point it out as well, but I also wish that the camera lingered more on Bellamy. The shots were all over the place, it was hard to focus on anything. The music was distracting, the camerawork was distracting … It could have been better.

A lot of the issues in the episode are probably due to that being the director’s debut though, so I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. I’m sure it will get better.

I’m not as upset as most people about the lack of Bellamy in the episode, tbh. I missed him and I wish there was more but I’m not ANGRY. I think people are blaming this all on Kim but I don’t think Kim actually has the ability to just be like “you know what, fuck Bellamy, he’s not going in this episode”. It’s not just up to her - its up to the entire writers room. Remember, they decide what goes in the episodes. Individual writers just decided on the smaller details, like specific lines and movements and how they want the scenes to come to life. But the lack of Bellamy definitely wasn’t just up to her.

Remember 3x10? We got like, two minutes of Clarke in that episode due to scheduling issues with Eliza. My gut tells me that they probably knew Bob wouldn’t be able to film much for 4x04 and that’s why he’s barely in it. They probably gave that episode to Kim BECAUSE they know she doesn’t enjoy writing Bellamy as much, but I don’t think that him not being in the episode was really up to her. Just my two cents.

Anyway I touched the main points. I know you probably didn’t want this response but oh wellll. Thanks for sending in the ask!