#i made a promise to myself to never get that bad mentally again

[jagerstian]

I had a realization earlier while reminiscing on past traumatic events that those events did in fact change me as a person and I only just now connected those very obvious dots and now I'm pissed off because do you realize how cool and carefree and extroverted I could've been? This is so bogus, I used to be the popular kid and then BAM. Trauma. Now I'm a hermit who sometimes goes days without hearing myself talk without realizing it. People used to greet me by name, complete strangers i had never seen before in my LIFE, but they knew me because word got around. What the FUCK. I WAS SO COOL AND BELOVED? Now I'm basically if a potato was sentient. AND MY REPUTATION STILL PRECEEDS ME? THERE ARE KIDS FROM YEARS AGO WHO STILL THINK ABOUT ME AND STILL WANT ME TO LIKE THEM? THERE ARE GUYS WHO STILL LIKE ME SO MUCH THAT THEY ARE STILL ASKING ME OUT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS? What a downgrade I became. Today I had to work up the courage to cheer for my cousins soccer game out loud. I used to be EVERYONES hype man, effortlessly. It was like a switch, the way I changed. How do I reset to my default settings? Thanks brain, for protecting me, you did a good job, now please retire so I can be fun again, thanks

[discountprophet]

.

tw suicidal talk

[tiredsadpeach]

Hahaha heyyyy (I almost unalived myself today)

[entirelysein-e]

『 Becoming his princess 』

☼ synopsis: Toji was obsessed with making you his sweet anal princess - entirely drunk on his cock stretching you so well.

☼ character: Toji

☼ wc: 3.2k

☼ cw: fem!reader, anal play, (first time) anal, Toji talking the reader into trying something new and pushing boundaries, consent checks, sex toys, lots of teasing and praise, reader getting called "good girl" and "princess", overstimulation, creampie, mentions of fingering, gentle aftercare

☼ notes: welcome to the depths of my brain when it comes to this man. Thank you @suyacho and @kenpachisbrat for letting me write this in chat! 🫶 | don't forget to sign up for my taglist so you won't miss a post!

Toji had always been an ass man, that much was clear. Whenever you two were cuddling on the couch or making out, his broad hands always found their way to the globes of your ass. You didn't mind it, you were actually starting to enjoy it, but lately he started to push you further. The talk of trying out anal came up, which you quickly turned down. Your ass was a one-way route, exit only and the thought about having Tojis cock in there made your skin crawl in all the wrong ways. Without another choice, Toji didn't bring up the topic again, but he didn't stop to feel you up either since you never expressed any issues with it previously, so why not push your boundaries a little?

The next time he had you on all fours, he grinned dirty when his tongue dragged through your drenched folds, eating you out like a man starved, but instead of sinking his tongue into your cunt to have more of your juices melt on his tongue, he dragged it further up to tongue at your puckered hole for just a second. The foreign sensation made you squeak and move away before giving him an angry glare, to which he only feigned innocence, hands held up high, but that wolfish grin on his lips gave it away. “Just couldn't stop myself, darling. Won't happen again,” he promised, half assed but he meant it. You made it clear that you didn't like it and he wouldn't push it - at least not with his tongue. In reality, you weren't sure about how you felt about it, that big taboo clouded your judgment because it actually didn't feel that bad when his wet tongue toyed with your ass, but you shook your head, the thought gone as quickly as it came. Perhaps you'd let him indulge in his little fantasies when you're fucked dumb on his cock, at least that way you won't be able to think about it too much.

Toji was caught by surprise when you nodded softly as he was running his thumb over your puckered hole, his dick buried deep in your cunt. “Want me to push it in, hm?” He asked with a teasing smirk, but that was his mistake, he made you think about it. Unsure about it, you groaned into the pillows, your face buried in the plush fabric, while your hips were high and working to meet his thrusts. “Don’t ask me like that... That's weird,” you mumbled between breathless moans and he made a mental note about putting you in this position again next time, simply putting his hand back onto the globe of your ass as he continued to fuck you into the mattress. Once again, your mind was clouded with the taboo you almost explored and perhaps you just needed to talk with him? Let him know that you're simply nervous about it and his teasing isn't helping - quite the opposite, actually.

"Why do I want to fuck your ass?” Toji repeated your question, the heat rising to your face upon hearing his words that were followed by a chuckle.

“Because that's hot and feels good. For both of us, if it's done right,” he eventually answered nonchalantly, and you nodded.

“Would you do it then? The right way, I mean, so it feels good? But please stop your teasing it's-” Your words started flooding out, rambling in your nervous and slightly embarrassed state, but the black-haired man interrupted you.

“You're rambling, my sweet,” he grinned and leaned in to capture your lips in a sweet kiss that left you wanting more. His lips always left you addicted, wiping your head empty and filling it solely with him.

“Let me make you feel good.” His words sent shivers down your spine and you absentmindedly nodded, allowing him to give you that sweet taste of pleasure you both craved now. In an instant, he pulled you across the couch and onto his lap, your legs instinctively wrapping around his waist as his hands roamed over your back and your sides as your lips collided in a heated make-out session.

It only took a few minutes until his hands discarded your shirt, his skin hot against your bare chest, when he kissed down your neck to leave love bites along the way. A raspy moan escaped your throat when his teeth tugged at one of your nipples before his tongue immediately lapped over it to soothe the sting. The mix of pain and gentle caress almost drove you insane. Shaky hands started pulling at his jet black strands when his lips left soothing kisses scattered across the valley of your chest. Lost in the feeling of his lips and tongue against your breast, you barely noticed how he picked you up to carry you to the bedroom, ever so gently setting you down on the mattress, where his warmth left your body for just a moment.

"One word and we stop," he whispered into your ear when he returned to his position on top of you again, dragging your favorite toy - a small magic wand - across the inside of your bare thigh, the lowest setting already letting your skin tingle deliciously, but you nodded. "Hmm, yes," you verbally confirmed when he removed the toy from your leg, an expectant look on his face. "That's my good girl. Using her words for me," he muttered against your skin and rewarded you by letting the toy glide over your already slick folds. Soft moans erupted almost instantly, the pleasure was near overwhelming.

His fingers soon joined the toy, the vibration taking your focus away as he dragged them between your folds without dipping them in, instead letting them glide lower between your cheeks. The lube was almost dripping off of them when he started massaging your puckered hole with his middle finger. Eyes full of insecurity shot up at him when you felt him slowly push inside, but not enough to slip past the tight ring of muscles yet.

Your hands started to claw at his arm, trying to stop him and he leaned down to capture your lips in a kiss once again, the vibrations against your clit getting more intense.

"Color?" His voice was uncharacteristically soft and you struggled to answer him between moans "ye-yellow." The words eventually slipped out and he hummed in acknowledgment - You didn't say red, so it was okay to continue.

His lips returned to yours as the magic wand remained teasing your bundle of nerves until a gasp escaped your mouth. Toji couldn't hold back the smirk against your lips at how cute your reaction was, his finger slotted deeply inside your ass, unmoving.

Only when you started desperately grinding against the wand did you register his finger inside of you and a desperate "green" left your lips, almost in a scream. You were on the verge of an orgasm and all your previous little worries didn't exist. Your mind was feeling as light as a feather when he pushed a second finger in right before the vibration of the toy gave you that sweet release you were so desperately chasing after. Toji groaned when he felt you clench around him, so tight just with his fingers inside of you that it made his erection grow painful, but he had to wait. His fingers kept pumping into you, curling and scissoring them to stretch you further. The foreign feeling started to feel good and Toji was able to see the change in your eyes.

It was exactly how he planned this to go, making you feel so good and making you lose your mind with pleasure as he pushed your boundaries until you're begging him to fuck your little ass.

"Be my good girl and turn around," he mused and slowly pulled out of you, which made you whine. You felt so pathetic when that noise escaped your throat, but you did as told, wanting this high back you felt moments ago. The orgasm was more intense than usual.

"Atta girl," his voice was raspy as the need in him grew from seeing you in such a vulnerable position for him - laying on your stomach with your hips held high just for him.

Your slick folds were on full display for him as he let some more lube drip onto your puckered hole, chuckling when you flinched from the cool liquid. "Careful, it's cold," he teased, warning you far too late, but before you could react to his words, another toy pushed against your hole. Unsure where he even got it, you braced yourself and Toji held the magic wand against your wet cunt once more, trying to help you relax for him.

The plug slid in surprisingly easy and you looked over your shoulders at your lover with doe eyes, feeling so good but scared at the same time. The metal object made you feel full, stretching your insides while his thumb slid into your pussy to massage your g-spot until he had you right where he wanted to again. All the stimulation tightened the knot inside of you at record speed, threatening to snap the next time his thumb pushed against your sweet spot, but it never came. Instead, Toji removed his finger and started moving the anal plug, the buzzing of the toy against your clit finally taking you over the edge a second time.

Your muscles sucked the plug back in, clenching tightly around it, which made you feel so full already and it only made you crave more. The black-haired man knew exactly what he was doing, corrupting you, making you crave having your ass filled with his cock and it was working.

When the shocks of pleasure wore off, Toji continued playing with the plug inside of you, pulling and pushing - he wanted you to whine, to admit how good it felt to you. He broke you down slowly but surely and you enjoyed it. Your hands gripped the sheets tightly when you started pushing back into him, breathless moans falling from your lips and getting swallowed by the pillows beneath you.

“What was that?” He asked teasingly and at the same time, he pulled the little metal plug out of you.

“You want my fingers again?” His voice sounded menacing, having heard your plea for his fingers perfectly well.

“Fuck- Toji… Just finger me already,” you snapped embarrassed, wanting him to work you open so you could finally feel his cock inside of you.

You were always so drunk on his cock, craving it inside of you in one way or another and the thought of having him fill yet another hole of yours started to excite you rather than scare you. His chuckle sounded mean, but you didn't bother focusing on it when two of his thick fingers pushed into your ass once again, this time with ease.

“You take me so well, darling. Gonna make you my little anal princess, hm? Want me to fuck your ass so badly?” He started to mock you, his voice laced with amusement with every whine of pleasure you provided him with and you didn't need to answer him. The way you bit your lip absentmindedly at his words was enough for him to know you wanted this as badly as he did now.

Thoughtful as he was, Toji turned the little wand on again to help you relax because his fingers were nothing compared to the girth of his dick and it would hurt. Both his fingers remained inside of you as he used his other hand to slick up his cock with the lube, using a generous amount to make things easier for you.

“Ready to be my little princess?” He asked with a smirk as he pulled his fingers out painfully slow, the tip of his dick now kissing your puckered hole, and slowly he pushed in, never enough to slip even the tip inside of you. He wanted to hear you beg for him, beg him to fuck your sweet little ass. He needed you to beg him to ruin you completely, claim your body fully and never be satisfied with another man ever again.

The anticipation his endless teasing brought drove you insane, the vibration against your pussy wasn't strong enough to give you the pleasure you craved and you knew that you needed him inside of you to cum again, needed to have him ruin you to find pleasure.

"To-ji,” his name was cut in half by a whimper when just his tip slipped into your puckered hole, only to disappear again.

“Just fu- just fuck me already,” you almost screamed it, shame sitting deep inside of you at having to beg him to finally take you from behind, but he made you taste poison and you liked it.

“As you wish,” a wolfish grin spread over his lips and a single thrust was all it took for him to be settled inside of you, his heavy balls slapping against your wet cunt in the process.

Your eyes opened wide at the intrusion, unsure if it hurt or felt good - you just felt full. Feeling you clench around him like a vice was almost painful to him, but he granted you time to get used to the feeling.

“Taking me so well. So good for me.” His words were soothing, kisses against your spine helped you relax further, but when he turned the wand higher again, your hips jerked up, letting you feel him so much deeper inside of you. A high-pitched moan left your lips, almost a yelp, but it was filled with a foreign sense of pleasure. Your walls stopped gripping Toji’s cock like a vice, giving him the opportunity to finally move inside of you. His thrusts were slow but deep, his hips rolling against yours to make you feel each thrust dragging along your walls. The overwhelming feeling of being so unusually full, paired with the strong vibration against your already overly sensitive bundle of nerves had you panting like a bitch in heat, your hips bucking into him and helplessly humping the wand.

“Ah, ah. You'll cum from my cock, princess,” Toji ordered and removed the toy from your pussy.

A loud whine of protest escaped your lips, but it turned into one of pleasure when he rolled his hips particularly hard, catching you off guard by how good it felt. You were so close, but it was never enough to take you over the edge. The feeling of Toji's cock in your ass was too foreign and intense to snap that knot inside of your stomach - or at least that's what you thought. Toji slumped over you, no longer able to hold up his weight entirely as he caged you in, his huge body forcing your hips down against the mattress so he had you in prone bone.

The simple change of position made you feel so small compared to your lover, his hot breaths and grunts driving you insane and before you knew it, you were clawing into the pillows, chanting his name like a lewd prayer as another orgasm washed over you. "Fuck! That's my good girl," Toji praised, his voice deep and strained from the way you clenched around his cock, so hard he could barely thrust into you anymore, but that's exactly what he liked. Your little ass was just so perfect for him and no one else ever made you feel this way. It gave him the biggest ego boost with the way you were singing so pretty for him.

Your ears were ringing from the intensity of your orgasm, barely able to hear the praise that fell from your lover's lips, only the strangled moan followed by harsh pants when he finally released inside of you. Unable to help it, you whined loudly. The feeling of his cum filling you up made you realize that it would be over soon and you didn't want this ecstatic feeling to end yet, not when you just started enjoying it. Your pathetic whine made Toji chuckle, his black hair tickling your shoulder as he shook his head.

"You're so damn greedy, you know that?" He asked amused and pulled your hips into him so he could slide the magic wand between your pussy and the mattress once again, the highest setting buzzing against your clit. "To-ji," you moaned his name, "too much." Your voice was hoarse, but he didn't listen. The feeling of your ass clenching tightly around his cock was drowning out your little sounds of protest. "Stop crying and fucking cum," he groaned into your ear, an order you knew you should follow. You could have told him "red," but you didn't, craving the feeling of yet another orgasm even if your overstimulated clit screamed for mercy.

When you finally reached your peak, Toji was hissing into your ear as you milked him dry, trying to get every drop of his seed into your greedy body. "You're doing so good for me. Took me so well." His voice was soft, uncharacteristically sweet, even when the wand slowly lost the intensity until he shut it off entirely. Your clit still twitching from the intense vibration it just felt and all you could do was nod. You were his good girl, his sweet little anal princess and he was so proud of you.

Carefully, Toji slipped out of you, his hands spreading your cheeks to see your hole gape from the previous intrusion and it was a sight he could certainly get used to. There was a grin on his face when he watched his cum run down to your still-glistening cunt, a finger following the trail of white liquid.

“I should make sure that your little pussy doesn't feel neglected, don't you think?" Toji mused out, a single finger pushing some of his seed into your entrance, but you shook your head. "Red." The word left your lips in a mumble and he immediately stopped teasing you.

"Let's take a bath then, or you'll regret it in the morning," he said matter-of-factly before scooping you up into his arms and throwing you over his shoulder, which never fails to make you laugh. It was such a silly thing to him, but you looked like you needed more gentle aftercare this time, so a bath and some cuddles after would do it.

"How're ya feelin'?" Toji's voice was gentle now as his arms wrapped around you and his head rested on top of yours, bodies surrounded by hot water.

"'m good. A bit sore, to be honest," you mumbled back to him, your head resting against his broad chest, adoring just how caring he can be if he wants to.

"You'll get used to it. The first always is worst, but you seemed to enjoy it regardless," he pointed out, a shit-eating grin spreading over his lips and you could hear it in his voice.

"Just shut up, Fushiguro." You laughed softly and bit his arm in a playful way. But he was right - you did enjoy it and perhaps you'll let him have both holes next time.

[avoxrising]

The Feral One • Ch 20

Finnick x Y/N

Series Masterlist Link

I promise we will get into the timer stuff soon but I have to build up the plot first…

Content Warnings - None!

You wake up to Finnick gone, a note left on his pillow.

Got called into training early. Didn’t want to disturb you. I’ll see you at lunch.

Love,

Your fake husband

Why was he in training so early? He said yesterday that his training wouldn’t start till after breakfast.

Maybe he was upset by what happened last night. Maybe he didn’t enjoy it.

You let your thoughts consume you as you lay in bed, completely skipping breakfast and most of your morning schedule.

A knock on your door pulls you from your thoughts.

“Come in,” you sigh to whoever was waiting. You’re surprised to see Boggs enter.

“Miss Y/L/N, do I need to remind you that you have a schedule to follow?” he asks.

“No,” you yawn. “I’m sorry I lost track of time. What time is it anyways?”

“10:34 AM,” Boggs states. “I’ve been instructed to escort you to your doctor’s checkup, which you are very late to.”

Boggs gives you a minute to dress before he’s escorting you to the hospital. He says Coin isn’t happy that you are already disregarding your schedule and is rethinking your living arrangement.

Prim performs your checkup that morning. She clears you for the day and you make your way to the cafeteria to help with lunch prep.

11:30 rolls around and you finally have a chance to see Finnick. Twelve hours felt too long and you were anxious to face him again. He was sometimes hard to read.

“Hey love,” he says as you sit down next to him with your tray. “How was your morning?”

“Meh,” you shrug. “I got reprimanded by Boggs for not following my schedule. I guess that was a serious rule.”

“Sorry about this morning,” Finnick states. “I would have woken you up when they buzzed for me but you look like you needed the sleep.”

“That’s ok,” you sigh, thinking about how sad you were that he wasn’t there when you woke. “Why did they increase your training?”

“Katniss snuck onto a transport that left late last night for District 2,” he explains. “They’re moving up our deployment timeline.”

“Deployment?” you ask, setting your fork down. “You didn’t tell me they were sending you anywhere.”

“Can we talk about this tonight?” he replies.

“I’m not hungry,” you state, abruptly standing with your tray. Finnick calls out for you as you walk away, needing to escape for a bit.

You end up back at the hospital to talk to Prim.

“Could I get an excuse for the rest of the day?” you ask her. “I’m not feeling well.”

“Oh no! Do you need medicine? What’s not feeling well?” she asks.

“I’ve just had a bad day that’s all,” you shake your head. “I can’t mentally handle a schedule today.”

“Why don’t you go chat with Dr. Aurelius for a bit,” Prim suggests. “He’s available now if you want to see him.”

You had never been in therapy before. Dr. Aurelius seemed nice but you didn’t know if you could trust him. What do therapists even do?

“Nice to meet you Miss Y/L/N,” the man states as he enter the room. “I’m Dr. Aurelius. Why don’t we start with how you’re feeling today?”

“Sad,” you reply, unsure of how to properly convey your emotions.

“Do you know why you feel sad?” he asks. “Or what made you feel this way?”

“District 13 makes me sad,” you state as the man writes something down in his notebook. “I have no autonomy here.”

“They allowed you to get married,” he remarks. “Are you happy about that?”

“Meh,” you shrug. “I mean I love Finnick but it was a fake wedding for a propo that we agreed to do so we could be roommates here in 13. He’s lived with me for 5 years now. I skipped my schedule this morning and Coin is already threatening to make us live separately again.”

“I see,” the man comments. “Do you find schedules restricting?”

“I guess I do,” you respond. “I mean I’ve spent my whole adult life on house arrest so I’ve never really been able to make decisions for myself. Having a schedule feels like someone is telling me what to do all the time.”

“That’s understandable,” he comments. “I can excuse you from your schedule for today but you will need to find a compromise with President Coin. I will provide you with a list of options for your schedule so you can maybe pick out what you want to do. I apologize that the list is limited but it’s the best I can do.”

You take the list and agree to meet with him and Coin in the morning to discuss your schedule. In the mean time he gives you a “mentally unstable” bracelet to excuse you for the rest of the day.

The list seems meh. You had no interest in learning about nuclear weapons or the history of Panem, and cafeteria duty wasn’t necessarily your favorite.

Reflection time rolled around and Finnick enters your shared cabin.

“You skipped dinner,” he comments as he throws you an apple. You reluctantly take it and eat a bit to ease his worry.

“You skipped out on telling me about deployment,” you mutter.

“I’m sorry,” he sighs as he moves to sit next to you. “I just didn’t feel like there was a good time to tell you. I was going to tell you before the wedding but you had your breakdown and I didn’t want to worry you.”

“Where are they sending you?” you ask.

“The capital,” he responds. At this answer you burst into tears.

“You can’t leave me,” you sob. Finnick wishes he could pull you into a hug but he knows better than to touch you when you’re upset.

“It will only be for two weeks,” he states. “Three at most.”

“What if you don’t come back?” you hiccup.

“I’ll always come back for you,” he replies.

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[itsmealaiah]

Hi! First of all I love your writing like they’re the best!

I wanna request like where the female reader starts noticing she gets stretch marks on her legs and 2007-2008 era Tom comforts the reader and it’s like fluff and then can u please turn it into smut I really wanna read a story like that I’ve never read one like this!

(Only if ur comfortable love you ❤️💗)

You're still beautiful my dear

tags/ warnings: body dysmorphia, tom comforting you, smut, tom showing and telling you how absolutely stunning you are, p in v, fingering, head , cursing, usual smut features, mentions of starving yourself

a/n: i hope this does you justice! and for anyone who has been struggling with this, or is struggling with this, I guarantee you that you are stunning, or handsome, and that you couldn't be any better. You are YOU, and that is perfect enough. I did background research on this, and I promise you that you are loved, that someone, or multiple, care about you and your well-being. you are not alone.

MDNI ⚠️

Your POV:

Standing in front of my mirror, I was getting more and more uncomfortable with these marks cursing my legs. They hadn't been there before, but I noticed them a week ago, and began to hate myself for them a little more each time I looked at them, the ugly scars on my legs. I hadn't told tom yet, too scared. I just hid them, and tried to act the best I could in front of him and the band, not wanting to worry them on top of their rehearsals, tours, concerts, recordings, and countless nights of little to no sleep. I had been seeing myself differently ever since, and I didn't like that at all. My body looked horrid, and I tried to hide myself from the paparazzi's flash cameras every left and right.

They always commented on my body, telling me how I wasn't good enough for tom, and finding these made me feel even worse. I nearly broke down into tears every night, trying to tell myself that I was me, that I was good enough, that those shitty photographers didn't mean shit, they were nobodies, but each time, the thoughts spinning through my mind in what seemed like a whirlwind of fucking negative ass train of thoughts kept coming back. The tears began to cloud my already hazy vision, streaming down my cheeks in a very short amount of time, my sobs echoing throughout the room so loud, I was scared tom would hear.

I didn't want him to hear, I wasn't worth the trouble. I caused enough fucking problems for him, so I just made my way to our bed, surrounding myself in the covers, continuing to cry, trying to be more quiet now. These goddamn stretch marks were going to kill me, whether that be mentally or physically. They shouldn't matter this much to me, but I let them matter that much. I let myself get this fucking way, hell I made myself this way, I thought, over and over and over again, so much it fueled my tears, letting out horrid sobs each time.

I knew tom would hear, but I couldn't bring myself to stop. I couldn't stop, and that scared me. It scared me so bad I couldn't move or breath. Before I knew it, tom was rushing in, hearing my cries, practically tripping as he ran over to the bed, getting in and holding me in his arms as I sobbed more, whispering small little things, trying to help me, but it wasn't working. His arms were rocking me back and forth, trying his very best to help me. My tears couldn't stop, I didn't let them. I was weak, weak as hell, not being able to stop, my head told me so many times, as I soaked his shirt with my heavy tears.

"Baby what's wrong?" He asked finally, pulling me back so he could see my face. I probably looked like shit, my face most likely puffy, reddened, and just overall terrible. I couldn't bring myself to answer. "Love, I can't help you if you don't tell me" He said, concerned for me. I looked up into his eyes, seeing pure fear and sadness in them while he gazed at me, my heart almost breaking once again. "I look awful" I sobbed, and his eyes widened, holding me even tighter. "Who the fuck told you that?" He demanded, now angered by my statement. "Everyone" I choked, trying to hold my tears back, even as my face was soaked just like his shirt, and I blamed myself.

"What?" His voice cracked, his anger quickly fading. "nonono aw schatzi, please, you're the most beautiful fucking girl i've ever laid my eyes on, you mean the world to me." He attempted to reassure me, but it failed. "The paparazzi, the tabloids, the fans, everyone, including me" I cried. "and my legs, arms, waist, torso, and chest all look like fucking pieces of ass" I said trembling in his arms. "You don't really think that of yourself, do you?" He said shakingly, trying to look into my eyes, to tell himself I was joking, and I wish I could. 'shameful, you should eat less, look at your stomach, so fat, so unhealthy' my head was making me so angry, that I was ready to start screaming, screaming so loud I may break glass.

"I have stretch marks, I look so ugly" I sobbed again, pointing to my legs, once perfect, but now hideous. He glanced down, trying to make them out. "I don't see any?" He asked curiously, eyes squinting and looking all over to find them. "They're all over the top of my legs" I pointed again, closer this time, trying my best to get him to acknowledge them. I don't know why I was so desperate to get him to see the shitty stains covering my legs, but I guess it was because I wanted him to see my pain, my agony. "Love, I don't know what the fuck those photographers and news reporters say about you, but I do know that I love you, and I love the way your body looks"

I sniffled, looking at him finally. "Really?" I gasped out, my tears slowing down. He nodded "yes love, you are the most fucking beautiful woman i've ever seen, your curves, your face, your eyes, your legs, your arms, your chest, all crafted by god himself. I couldn't find a woman better for me even if I tried" He told me, wiping the tears from my cheeks. I still wasn't quite convinced, some tears slipping and running down my face. He sighed, laying me down on the bed so my back was against the mattress, and my eyes widened. "Not tonight, please" I whined, but he shut me down. "Let me show you how absolutely stunning you are my dear, how perfect your body looks" He whispered, his lips beginning to work at my neck, and I moaned. "You're so beautiful schatzi, everything about you is, your marks just show how you've grown my dear" He stated, tearing my top off, revealing my lacy bra, barely covering my breasts. "These" he squeezed them gently, "are so pretty, they are always ready for me" he unclasped my bra, lips leaving my neck. His tongue lapped at them, sucking on the bud harshly.

His tongue swirled, his other hand kneading the other, small, delicate moans leaving my mouth as he continued to pleasure me. "So hot my love, all for me, only me." he murmured against my skin. "how could you not think you're gorgeous?" he questioned, eyes half open, kissing my nipples gently. My hands were clutching the sheets, holding onto them for dear life as his tongue worked wonders, soothing me. "so, so pretty" he groaned, kissing down my chest, teeth scraping across my underwear, teasing me. His thumbs hooked on the sides, slowly dragging it down, revealing my wet, hot slit to him. "this, this is the most beautiful pussy i've ever seen, and you deny that you are again, stunning? You take all that I give you, like the strong woman you are. I don't know any other woman i've fucked in the past couple of years who could do what you do, let alone do it better" He whispered, tongue drilling into my hole, making me cry out, my hands clinging to his hair, pulling on the braids, and he groaned yet again. "ngh..see, only you can make me feel that good, you and your beautiful body" he stated again while my eyes were rolling to the back of my head, his fingers began to form small circles on my clit near his tongue, and I gasped, my hips bucking up near his mouth while he pleasured me further, my moans growing louder, and my gasps getting shorter.

"That's it beautiful, such a pretty girl" he gazed up at me, seeing my fucked out face, how my features were contorted in pleasure. "Doing s'good for me my love, taking my tongue so well" he praised, while my body was convulsing under his touch. "Ah!" I cried out, my orgasm washing over me, my thighs shaking when I came, tom licking up all my juices, praising me over and over as he lapped up everything, and lifted his head. I grunted, my hips and thighs still shaking. "you looked so pretty love" he tore his pants off, along with his shirt, showing his defined and toned chest. He went straight for my clit, rubbing the tip of his cock against it, creating friction as I groaned. "your little noises are so beautiful love" he grunted, as he thrust himself in, bottoming out within seconds. I gasped, and he signaled that as a 'don't tease' and began to pound in and out of my body, making the bed shake with each thrust. I kept moaning as my small frame was rocked back and forth, my hair disheveled as I took his dick, trying to hold myself together, but that was impossible, as his length felt so, so good sliding in and out, combined with my slick juices, our skin slapping together. Every noise I could ever make escaped my throat, filling the room as our passion continued. "Fuck, you feel so good, who's sweet little pussy is this?" He asked, demandingly, stopping for a quick second so I could answer. "yours" I let out, a moan making its way from my mouth, and he smiled. "Good girl" he had an evil smirk across his sweat-dampened face, and he began to thrust again.

"S-slow down! Please!" I begged, trying to stop him, the assault on my feeble body. He shook his head, pinning me down. "Not until you realize you motherfucking beautiful you are" He growled, drilling deeper into me like a piston, hitting the spot that made my legs go weak each time, causing trembly sobs to escape my lips. He didn't ease up, and the knot in my stomach was beginning to form again. Tom must have felt it too, because he spoke up, his thrusts slowing just by a tiny bit. "You aren't cumming until you say how beautiful you are" He demanded, his length just sitting in me. I moaned in frustration, and finally gave in. "fine, i'm beautiful" I could barely form the words, and I didn't really want to say them to begin with. "Not good enough, I want you to shout it while I make you feel good" He grinned, resuming his thrusts, and I screamed, my eyes reeling in the pleasure. "Say it, now" he growled again, pistoning himself, so rough my body fell weak under him. "Im beautiful!" I screeched as I came, my thighs wrapping around his waist, holding him against me tightly. "Good fucking girl" He panted, his release taking him seconds later, his hips snapping against mine. "You think you're gorgeous now, or do I have to fuck you again?" He asked, kissing me roughly.

I shook my head, my eyelids starting to shut and open back up within short spurts. "Thank you tom" I sighed, leaning into his neck once he collapsed onto me, burying my body into the mattress deeply. "You're welcome baby, never do that to yourself again, please" He pleaded, wrapping his arms around me, never daring to let me go. He pulled out, his cum slipping out, and he leaned over to the bedside stand, grabbing some tissues, and cleaning me off, murmuring small whispers of praise, sweet words leaving his mouth. He got up and threw the dirty tissues away, settling into the bed, taking me into his embrace. "You okay? You're still a little shaky liebe" He asked, obviously concerned. I nodded, and gave him a small kiss on his lips before falling asleep, content, knowing when these little episodes came, he would be there for me, ready to help in any way possible.

A/n: I know I mentioned this yesterday, but @madzandmore received a very similar request to this, so again, please please PLEASE, stop requesting the same ideas

[everythingne]

out of the woods — LS2

After a short break during her time as a Ferrari reserve driver, loud-mouthed driver Dhanishka Dubey resurfaces when she moves up to f1 under Ferrari. She’s back to terrorize her ex, none other than Logan Sargeant when she conquers him once again this season, just like before, just like always.

But when faced with your first love, and your only love, it's hard to let those feelings past. Especially when a relationship was prematurely ended, especially when she's everything you aren't, especially when you never got over his love.

logan sargeant x ferrari!ex!oc

fc: iffat marash (adult) hamda al qubaisi (young)

warnings/notes: mentions of past car accidents, multiple incorrect dates, butchered pasts for logan and oscar, [] used to denote other languages being spoken, yes the title is taylor swift ok, the oc is indian, however the author is NOT, pls pls pls correct me on any inaccuracies ♥️ let me pretend logan didn't have a bad season by putting him on par w oscar. this is for MY mental health !!

(part two)

14 NOVEMBER, INSTAGRAM

scuderiaferrari made a new post!

liked by oscarpiastri, landonorris, logansargeant, and 238k others…

scuderiaferrari: welcoming dhanishka dubey to the f1 team from her past position of reserve driver this season! she will be the first ever bahraini f1 driver, and the third woman to take to the grid. dhaniska is currently sponsored by @ monsterenergy and @ colourpopcosmetics, she’s bringing a bright, energized feel to our team this season!

dhanishkadubey: so so excited to be here!

charlesleclerc: sometimes i still hear carlos… singing in the distance…

⤷ dhaniskadubey: smooooooooth operatoooorrr

⤷ carlossainz: you both act like i died, i just changed teams.

⤷ charlesleclerc: rip smooth operator <;/3

user2: this is so a jab at williams .

⤷ user3: how ??

⤷ user2: @ user3 dhanishka is logans ex girlfriend

⤷ user3: OOOO

⤷ user4: NO WAY???

oscarpiastri: pls don’t run me off the track again (i will beg if i have to)

⤷ dhanishkadubey: no promises ossie ♥️ (get on ur knees)

⤷ oscarpiastri: AYO??

danielriccardio: DANNY 2!!!

⤷ dhanishkadubey: DANNY 1!!!!

dhanishkadubey made a post!

liked by charlesleclerc, logansargeant, landonorris, and 298k others...

dhanishkadubey: might be the prettiest thing i have ever worn?? happy diwali to u all and a (late) happy 22 to me ♥️ (yea, i AM feeling 22.)

tagged: anyadubey

anyadubey: ily<3

user1: MOTHER IS MOTHERING EVERYONE!!

liamlawson: u look like a very nice disco ball ! happy diwali

⤷ dhanishkadubey: u look like a very nice young man ! thank u!

user2: god we don't need this conceited bitch on the track.

maxverstappen: happy birthday, happy diwali, and welcome to f1!

⤷ dhanishkadubey: thank you max !! looking forward to challenging you this seaon :)!

user3: shes going to get someone killed

14 NOVEMBER, TWITTER

28 FEBRUARY, BAHRAIN

"It's a pre-season dinner, how badly can it go?" Anya asks me, eyes darting down to my sari and then back to my face as she works on pinning the pleats to my shoulder as I adjust them and secure their positioning.

When she’s done, she squeezes my arms as she stands next to me in her much more casual western clothing. We look like opposites, me in a bright red sari and her wearing a black dior sweatshirt and jeans. She grins, “you look stunning by the way."

"Thanks, Anya," I give her a little side hug, passing her to continue fixing myself up in the mirror ahead of us. I huff as I adjust my earrings and bracelets, tacking the former down with eyelash glue, "I just worry if like… Logan says something.”

“You’re gonna let a man, a white man no less, make you worry?” Anya paused, hands on her hips as she looks at me in the mirror of our parents home, the little cookie cutter complex we lived in the corner plot in.

“Plus what would he even say?” Anya crosses her arms, “that whole thing wasn’t even your fault.”

“I know but… I was still Trident’s golden child when it happened. People are always gonna assume I had something to do with it. I’m lucky the FIA didn’t take anything away from me, I’m honestly lucky the team admitted I had nothing to do with it.”

“Does Logan blame you?” Anya leans on the doorframe to my bathroom, “because that’s the only opinion that matters.”

“He might. I… it made him break up with me. So, I don’t know.” I sigh, “but it’s just one guy, I still have Oscar, Charles, Carlos and Daniel.”

“I still don’t get Danny.” Anya muses, and when she sees my confusion she waves a hand, “No, not him, as your nickname.”

“Oh, a reporter called me ‘Dan-ish-ka’ and not ‘Dun-ish-kah’ and someone on Twitter thought she called me Danny and it just—rolled from there.” I laughed softly, turning back to Anya as I motioned for her to move out of the door so I could grab my bag and such. She did with ease, moving to grab the keys to my (but hers when I wasn’t home) Porsche Taycan.

“And, that’s when there were rumors I was joining Red Bulls Junior team as well, instead of Ferrari’s, so it all just kept stacking.” I grabbed my purse off my bed and dropped in a small perfume container, my lipstick, and a few other essentials, “people called me ‘Danny 2’ and it got to Daniel Ricciardo himself, and that’s how we started talking.”

“Oh that’s actually so cute.” Anya grins, following me out to the kitchen where my mother is forcing my father to help her make biryani while she’s fixing up the bar for a party they’re having tonight.

“Alright, [Momma, Dad, how do I look?] Do we like the red one better than the silver one? Anya helped me pick this one out, [she thinks it’s some sort of new style with the solid color.]” I call in the usual mix of Marathi, Arabic, and English out household uses. As I pause in the kitchen, Anya’s fixing my sari out of her own nervous habit. My mother gasps, pushing past my father to take me into her arms with a bright smile.

“Oh! Dhanishka, wow! [You look amazing! I love this one,] is it new?” My mother looks me over and I nod, seeing the hint of my father’s smile from the kitchen that makes my heart sing. He rarely showed his support on his face, but since everything with Trident and the subsequent fall out and mental break, he tried his hardest to show his love for me and Anya. He did a good job.

“Yeah, [it’s from Manish?]” I say, turning back to Anya who nods.

“All of my girls, [so stunning.]” My father grinned, wiping his hands off before giving me a loose hug as to not get anything from his hands on my outfit, “Do you need anything to eat before you go?”

“No, [dad], I’ll be fine. Thank you.” I squeeze his shoulder, and my mother makes me stand back so she can take about a dozen photos of everyone with me. Once the photos are done, we wave goodbye, and it’s off to the restaurant they’ve picked.

I would’ve settled with anything in Manama, honestly but eating at somewhere down by the Four Seasons is perfect.

Anya drops me off to the front of the restaurant and I slip in, greeting the staff and letting them point me in the right direction. My hands are slick as I pull out my phone from my bag, Charles letting me know he was coming in right behind me, and I turn to see him, Max, and Carlos.

“Dhanishka!” Charles grins, leaning down to give me a quick hug, “Oh, this is the one you sent me? It looks nice.”

“Thank you. Figured I’d come in looking like I at least belong in the country I’m in, since I don’t quite fit in with the people yet.” I shrug, fiddling with the red fabric in my hands, feeling the beading against my knuckles. Catching my worry, Charles turns to the two who awkwardly greet me with half hugs and congratulations on driving along with them this season.

Once everyone’s stepped back, Charles nodded to them, “You guys go ahead, we’ll see you in there.”

Carlos and Max move behind a curtain and into a doorway, but Charles grabs my arm gently and pulls me back into a hallway leading to the bathroom, hands finding mine and squeezing them.

“Stop overthinking this, it’s a room with a bunch of stupid men. Basically the same thing you’ve been dealing with for like—over ten years.” Charles looks at me and I huff, pulling my hands back from him and fixing my hair for the third time since we’d gotten to the hallway.

“I just—what if someone brings up the crash? Or me racing with Trident?” I stammer and he shakes his head.

“I’ll deal with it. If anything happens, I’ll help you. I’m in your corner.” Charles takes my hands once more, squeezes them, and then lets go of them, “now, are you ready?”

“As long as you’re next to me, yeah… yeah I can do this.” I nod and he grins, moving ahead to open the door for me. I follow him, taking a slow breath before nodding and moving into the little reserved dining room. At the sight of me, a few conversations halt and I scan the room before noticing Oscar moving away from Logan to come greet me.

Logan’s… the same. Blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin, crinkles in the corners of his eyes and a permanent smile line as his lips fall from a grin when he spots me. I take him in, his crisp blue suit with the jacket discarded—sleeves rolled up to his elbows, tie a bit loose and fuck, he looks confident and calm. He’s nothing like me in this moment, almost like we’ve swapped.

“Dhanishka.” Oscar steps in my eyeline, breaking the stare down between me and the American boy, and I smile at the Australian as he gently takes me in a hug.

“Good to see you, Oscar.” I close my eyes in the hug, and he steps back.

“Nice—fuck what’s the word—sa..” He holds up a hand when I go to tell him and then snaps, “Saree!”

“I’ve trained you well.” I laugh, complimenting his black suit, noting the decorative papaya colored inside of his jacket and little McLaren ‘81’ lapel. He says Lando has the matching ‘4’ and I make some joke that’s lost over Daniel chanting my name as he comes over to give me a tight hug.

“How’s my mini-me?” He asks, making sure the beading doesn’t hook on his suit as he steps back, I laugh and tell him I’m good, leaving out the part where my ex has been staring at me since I came in the door and I’m about half a second away from yelling at him to look elsewhere.

Luckily, Alex pulls Logan’s attention away— flashing me a small apologetic smile before bringing him over to the little minibar on the opposite side of the room.

“Do you drink?” Charles asks, hand on my elbow and I nod. My parents were lax with drinking and stuff as long as it wasn’t a holiday where I shouldn’t be. He grins and guides me to my seat, Oscar, Daniel and now Carlos tagging along. As I'm settling down to sit, Oscar on my left side with Lando on his left, Charles asking me what I’d like to drink. After a quick peruse of the menu, I settle on a margarita, and he whisks off to the bar to get it while Daniel sits across from me.

“You’re nervous about Logan, aren’t you?” Daniel leans across the table as he speaks, Carlos sitting next to him and taking a sip of a drink. Lando leans to ask Oscar something in a hushed tone besides me, and my eyes flicker to their whispers momentarily before settling back on Daniel.

“I just don’t want someone to bring up Trident, for either of our sakes, its a sore subject.” I huff, looking around the room, everyones clumped off in the groups I expect to see, a few stragglers between each group either drifting to the table or the bar.

"I'm sure if someone tries, it'll get shut down pretty quick." Oscar turns to me after filling Lando in. Charles sits on my other side, setting down my margarita and taking a sip of whatever drink he'd been coerced into drinking. I assume Max had something to do with it when I eye the gin and tonic in his hand.

"I know, I know. I just worry." I hum, bringing the margarita to my lips as a few more people settle. Logan is sitting a few seats down on the other side of the table, giving us both a clear view of the other. I know it's not intentional, but it makes my skin crawl.

Oscar has Lando switch seats with him, claiming he doesn't wanna hear whatever the two will shout over him, but I know it's so that he can help distract Logan. I remind myself tot hank him later.

I set down my margarita glass, standing up to formally greet Yuki as he comes to sit next to Daniel and I notice Logan's eyes firm on the glass. As I sit back down, I know why he's staring and my cheeks warm. Red lipstick stains the edge of the glass, something that I used to use to stain his lips back when we'd sneak kisses between Trident and HWA's paddocks and in hotel elevators.

And he might have had power over me because I was afraid of causing a fight at my first event with the F1 drivers, but being civil and lying down never got me anywhere in racing. So, when his eyes linger on my lips, I 'accidentally' make a show of pulling out my purse and setting it on my lap. My dark red nails clicking along the zipper as I pull it open and pull out a compact mirror and the same tube of red lipstick he'd bought be back in 2021. Logan bought it days before the crash, a Valentino refillable lipstick, more expensive than I deserved. He'd proudly given it to me, claiming his mom had the idea after my long term lipstick had finally run out. It was still shade 22R. The only shade I ever wore.

Even if Logan had bought the lipstick, I still liked it. It looked nice on my lips, complimented my skin, transferred just enough for my liking.

Across the table, Logan's eyes dilate in a sort of recognition as I swipe the tube across my lower lip. My dark eyes watching his light ones out of my peripheral as I watch myself in the my little red compact Valentino mirror. I'd bought it since it matched the tube of lipstick, and I know he recognizes that too. His bottom lip disappears under his teeth in a soft hiss. I know he knew exactly what lipstick it was. He'd bought be the first one, I just got it refilled after.

And if I purposefully fuck it up, using my finger to fix it just to rile him into silence as he looks away flustered, no one else comments on it. Except a cheeky grin from Daniel who muffles a laugh into his palm, pretending Carlos said something to him.

I have the upperhand at the moment, and it eases my panic. Charles looks over at me, sending me an odd look as a click my mirror shut a little louder than I probably should, but a just send him a tiny smile in response and he doesn't question it as I drop both items into my Coach purse and hang it on the back of my chair once more.

Once everyone's settled, it's Max who stands and thanks everyone for coming and thanks Charles for helping him organize the little dinner. Menus are passed around by two waitresses who speak in soft voices as they explain the specials to us in groups, and then we're off to pick our food and mingle. I settle on a 'keto bowl' type dish with salmon and a small appetizer of these little potato wedge things Daniel claims I have to split with him.

And I get a stronger drink because each time Logan even looks in my direction it makes a knot form in my stomach.

"Are you gonna ignore him all night?" Lando turns to murmur to me when we're getting our appetizers. It's been twenty minutes of odd tension and I can tell Lando's getting a little irritated by it.

"I've ignored him for three years. I can do it now." I say back, a little sharp, but when I see Lando's not asking out of irritation but rather worry, I soften and whisper, "It's fine. I..."

Trailing off, my eyes find Logan's accidentally, and it's like I can't look away. It's the second time we've made eye contact, and maybe its the margarita swirling in my stomach and pumping liquid courage through my veins, but I can't look away. It's like we're trapped for a moment, breaths caught in our throats. His voice fails in whatever story he's cheerily recounting to Oscar and Alex, and I see the former look towards where Logan's staring and he makes a bit of a worried expression.

I swallow, Pierre screeching in laughter pulling us from the moment, and I turn back to Lando as Logan rips his eyes away to look at Oscar.

"It's just... hard." I muse and Lando nods, he doesn't say anything about Logan after that as I turn back to Charles who gives me a tiny reassuring nod and then introduces me to the aforementioned Pierre who's come to stand behind us. I keep myself turned away from Logan for the rest of the meal, appetizers swallowed quickly between Daniel and I, Yuki and I sharing drinks and stories as we wait for dinner, I'm at least seven drinks in and happily going for an eighth.

My high tolerance doesn't fail me, but my bladder is close to doing so. With as much tipsy grace as I can muster, I slip out and down the hall to the bathroom, and when I'm done there I stop to freshen myself up in a mirror in the hall. I reapply my perfume, check my teeth, and wipe off a faint smudge of lipstick on my nose from when I had taken a rather large bite and smushed my lip up.

I hear the door click shut and glance over, throat going dry at the sight of Logan. I turn back to the mirror, digging in my purse for my lipstick once more, and he silently passes behind me without a word.

Somehow, that hurts more than anything.

But it's not like I'm making myself available to speak, so I finish tidying up my lipstick, and go back into the room. I grab more drinks for most of the table, thanking the bartender who comes around to help me bring all the drinks to the table.

Entrees arriving at the table passes me in a blur, I'm somehow shoved in a story with Yuki, Zhou, George, Esteban, and Max. I don't even know what they're really saying as everyone's laughing and speaking over one another, but I just enjoy being included.

I eat slow, laughing along with Daniel when he pops into whatever debate Lando, Carlos, and Charles, have pulled him into. And when the hyperactivity dies down as more of us get a bit sluggish from drinking, I eat a bit quicker to finish up my food so it helps my stomach have time to digest before I leave and helps my tipsiness lessen.

I check my phone, it's about ten thirty when we finish eating, and then it's kinda just a free for all hang out for a while. A few people start trickling out after it hits midnight. I know some of them have training tomorrow, as do I, but I kinda can already tell I'm not getting much rest tonight. Alex leaves in a group of about half the table, and I'm helping Charles and Max clean up as the rest slowly trickle out. Eventually I'm escorting Charles to a car as he waves goodbye to Max with a drunken laugh on his lips. Once the driver is on his way, I pluck my phone out of my purse and look through my messages. Anya's on her way, running late due to having to park her car far away since we had a lot of guests at the house.

"You shouldn't... ah," A familiar voice chimes and I look over to where Logan stands. He's far enough away to not be intruding, but close enough to shift towards me a bit as some random men pass behind us on the nearly vacant sidewalk, "You shouldn't stand out here alone, Dhanishka."

Him saying my name makes my heart leap into my throat and I pocket my phone, speaking gently, "Thanks for the concern, but I assure you I'll be fine. Anya's just down the road."

"Still, you know my mom would beat my ass if she knew I left a girl out here alone." He pauses, "Especially if it's you." And his voice trails off. For years his mother had helped raise me, my parents still spoke with her frequently—hell, she and her husband were at my house right now. And I know he’s right. But I can’t say anything past the bump in my throat. My silence makes him shift as he adjusts his grip on his jacket over his shoulder. It was an exceptionally chilly night for some odd reason. A cool breeze ripples across my shoulders. Bahrain was a desert, the lowest we got was 10 degrees celsius, nothing like the zero it was settled at now.

"You can stay." I say after a while and he visibly relaxes, still watching me out of the corner of his eye. The 'few minutes away' Anya texted me feels like a joke as the time stretches on and on and the cold bite of the air gets worse. I try using my saree as a bit of a scarf, but the red fabric is thin and does little to help.

After ten minutes, my teeth start to chatter as the street empties of most people and cars. It's a short hour or so lull when not much will happen at all before people start morning commutes. Beside me, I hear Logan huff. He moves closer and I look over to see him settle his jacket across my shoulders.

"Don't need you getting sick before the first race." He says softly, now far closer than he has been all day. I know I thank him, because I feel the words leave my throat, but I can't hear it over the blood rushing past my ears.

He'd broken it off with me, I never loved another. I still wore the same shade of lipstick and the same perfume, the same songs played on my Spotify whenever I had a chance. Taylor Swift blasting in my ears on long drives, Eminem for parties, Beyonce or Shakira for hyping myself up. I followed the Miami Dolphins loosely because I knew he loved them, and after all this time I found my heart still could be held in his hands. No matter how hard I tried to ignore the feeling of blush spreading across my chilly skin.

After a moment of us just staring at each other, the dim light being broken by passing cars, he whispers, "You can't ignore me forever. As much as you want to, the media is gonna stick us together the first opportunity they have. And... I know I remind you of Trident. I know I remind you of that 'crashgate' shit and maybe I should since you took my victory away."

"You and I both know I had nothing to do with that accident." I turn back to Logan, now fully facing him. I feel suffocated, the scent of his cologne on his jacket covering my perfume, like some sort of silencer washed over my voice. He still wears the same brand from back in the day, from when I stole his jackets and hoodies rather than being gifted them. It felt like a sick metaphor. Somehow we were the same after all this time, yet we would never get to be that again.

"Oh, come on." Logan laughs through a taught frown, threading a hand through his hair, "Now, I can believe that your team principal planned for your teammate to crash into me if I was ahead of you without you knowing. But when they told you to let your teammate overtake you for no reason, you didn't stop to ask why?"

"I did ask why, did you read the FIA reports?" I say back, wind whipping across the street and blowing my hair in front of my eyes like a blindfold.

"Or how about when the accident happened? Why did you keep racing?" He asks, sharp, and I can tell it's something thats been brewing. Years of silence on my end after he'd snapped with tears in his big blue eyes, telling me he 'couldn't do this anymore' and I let him walk away.

But I held my ground, as I always had to do. On my own once again, ostracized, I step closer and rip my hair away from my face in frustration that it wont stay back, "I was told I had to, Logan! I begged them to let me know what had happened to you and they refused! I didn't care about Viscaal! I cared about you!"

"Then why did you let me leave?!" He shouts and the whole street goes silent. We breathe heavy, almost chest to chest, eyes boring into each other with unshed tears. It's a gaping hole in my chest he claws at, trying to scrounge up answers I've buried six feet in the ground. I hear the sound of a car pulling up, I know its Anya without looking.

"What was I supposed to do?" I whisper, ripping his jacket off my shoulders and shoving it into his chest, "Beg you to come back? Apologize a hundred times? You didn't want to see me, you didn't care. I let you go because you wanted to go, and I'm fine with that."

He stares at me and I sniffle, cursing when I realize I've let the tears fall, and I continue, "I never would've let them do that to you if I knew. If I knew, I would've gone right to the FIA, you know that. Don't drag my name like the media already has, please. I can't take it from you of all people, Logan."

We stand in silence for a few more moments and then I turn around, passing in front of Anya's car to get in. I pause with my hand on the handle, watching Logan watch me with this expression in his eyes I can't read. Maybe I was wrong, maybe Logan and I weren't the same anymore, but I don't stop to think too hard as I rip open the door and throw myself down. When I slam the door, Anya puts the car in drive without pausing to ask anything, and pulls away as I desperately try to not watch Logan in the rearview.

"Can we just... drive?" I ask after a long silence and my sister nods, cracking the windows to let the cold air circle around us. I take a slow breath and tilt my head up, swallowing down my emotions until I feel a cool numbness roll across my skin. A familiar numbness.

It's going to be bad again, I can feel it in my chest.

--

dhanishkajpg made a new post!

liked by charlesleclerc, danielricciardo, oscarpiastri, and 245k others...

dhanishkajpg: shade 22R. his favorite. red. the color that's always bested him. (viewing translation from arabic)

user has turned off comments for this account.

-

taglist (thank you!)

@struggling-with-delia

[outofboundsarchives]

Ugh thinking about incel Charlie again

/Fem reader/

CW for: slight noncon and manipulation

•This man has such an incel mentality it's not even funny. He literally stabbed a girl for not paying attention to him

•He would never force anything on you outright, but if you said you weren't in the mood, he'd try to convince you. He'd nuzzle his face against your neck, kissing your soft skin and whispering in your ear

"Baby please, it's been a week. You can't keep doing this to me"

•He'd grab your hand and press it against the front of his jeans, his cock painfully hard as he rubs your hand up and down his clothed cock

"Just a few minutes I promise, you don't even have to do anything."

"Cmon please, you know how hard it is for me to get myself off"

•When you finally cave, he would be relentless. He'd push in too quickly, not letting up as you gasped and begged him to give you a moment

"I know i know, It'll get better just give it a minute"

"Im sorry youre just-youre so warm i cant stop"

•His arms would wrap around you as he pounded into your poor unprepared body. Every time you'd try to protest or ask him to slow down he'd coax you all over again

"Please baby, just a little more. You feel so good, almost done okay?"

"You already made me wait so long, I can't wait anymore"

•When he would finish, he'd pull out, cumming all over your stomach before sliding down the bed, planting his lips against your abused cunt

•He's kind of a bad boyfriend, but he's gotta keep you around somehow

•He'd hush you as you whined, sliding his tongue up and down your slit, borderline making out with your swollen clit

•The warmth from his mouth would almost numb the soreness, and the cramping pain that would pulse against your bruised cervix. Your legs would tremble from the hot sensation and the previous abuse

•His hands would tighten around your hips as you began to lift your back off the bed, and press harder against his sloppy face. You can feel him chuckle against you as you start to reach your release, your hands finding his brown curly locks.

•He'd pull away just as you almost cum, making you spill a fountain of "No"s and "Please"s

•Begging, just like he wanted you to, because that means it was your idea after all

"What's the matter baby? I thought you weren't in the mood?"

•His fingers would push into your used hole as his tongue lapped at your clit. His eyes would be glued to your writhing body as you come undone before him.

•He'd crawl up the bed, hovering over you as you both catch your breath

"Do you feel better baby? Yeah, you did so good. Thank you for helping me feel better"

•He would help you clean up before pulling you close and running his fingers through your hair, and over your back and shoulders. He would give you little compliments that made you doubt that you weren't into it at the very beginning

"I love making you feel good, I'm glad you had a good time"

(Ahhhh nervous about using Tumblr again but i love writing here so much. Please send me some Rory characters requests. I love all your ideas🩷)

[bigification]

Fit to Fat to Fit - Male TF

Nate stood in his bathroom, staring at his own reflection. "What have you become?" He asked himself. His untamed hair. His big ball belly. His moobs. It physically and mentally weighed him down. He grabbed a measuring tape and wrapped it around his gut. "48 inches, a new high. I'm truly at rock bottom."

He spent a few more minutes poking and prodding at his fat. Being more and more depressed as he discovered new rolls of fat and bulges that stuck out farther than they did before. He then pulled out his phone and started looking at photos of himself from years prior. He landed on one from 3 years ago. He had taken a selfie of himself in a jockstrap.

"That was the beginning of the end for me." Nate stared at the photo. It was taken just after he stopped playing hockey, though he never lost the appetite he had while he played. "Man I thought I was so fat in this photo. It was the first time I realized I was getting fat, but if he could see me now I don't think he would feel so bad. Or maybe he would feel worse knowing this is where he ends up in three years." Nate can't help but to spiral. He thinks of what he could have done differently. Maybe if he just stayed in hockey, or if he just slowed down on his eating after hockey. Maybe he wouldn't end up like this.

In the middle of Nate's spiral of self pity, his boyfriend Andres walked into the bathroom. He noticed the measuring tape on the counter and picked it up.

"You shouldn't worry about it so much, it happens when you're in your thirties and you have an office job." He said trying to cheer Nate up."

"That's not helping. Besides can't you just do your weird magic thing and make us skinny and hot again." Nate sulked.

"For one, I promised never to use that on us. And also you're hot now so why bother." Nate just sulked in response. "Look, if it makes you feel better, I know the feeling." Andres continued. "Before we met, I was so hot, so fit. I was even an underwear model, although that was due in part to me using my power to make myself skinny. But that's beside the point." He pulled up a photo of him from before the two had met and showed it to Nate.

"The point is that I fell in love with a beautiful man with amazing cooking and now look at me. In a couple years I turned into a fatass with a beer belly and I couldn't be happier." Andres gave his gut a jiggle.

Nate seemed to chuckle a little, lightening his mood. Though he still seemed to be unsatisfied with his body. "Can we at least get a personal trainer." Nate asked. "Fine, if you really want to." Andres responded, feeling as though his reassurances failed to comfort his boyfriend.

A couple weeks went by and it was time to meet with their new personal trainer. The couple had tried to begin adjusting their diet to ease into the training, but both of them had gained weight leading up to it. Nate's cooking was just too good to give up so easily. They both drove to the gym and paused in the parking lot to gain their composure before going in.

"Does this shirt make me look fat? I hope it's not too small." Nate asked Andres.

"No you look great!" Andres reassured.

"I'm scared our trainer is gonna be a dick. What if he's like some jock douchebag that's gonna make fun of us for being fat."

"Well we're paying him so I don't think he'll care how fat we are, I don't think he'll be a dick. He looked pretty nice in the photos on the website." Andres pulled up the photo of their trainer. "Ok, he kinda does look like a dick." Andres said. Their trainer was posed in his car, flexing and pointing at his arm with a smug look.

"You know what, don't worry about it. Let's just go in." Andres said quickly as he got out of the car and went to Nate's side of the car to drag him out of the car.

The two sheepishly entered the gym, being that it was the first time they had entered one in years. They made their way to a private office to meet with their trainer to discuss a routine and diet before the training would begin. They knocked on the door and a tall strong young man answered. "Andres and Nate, yes?" He said politely as he let them in. "Take a seat." The trainer said pointing at a couple chairs across the room. The chairs seemed to let out a squeal as the two men sat down.

The session went on normally. The trainer introduced himself as Kent. He then went through a workout schedule and a diet schedule after asking a few basic questions about their life. After a little while, Kent excused himself to get a protein shake before they would finish up the meeting.

While Kent was gone, Nate leaned in toward Andres. "He's nice but he's still kinda scary."

"Well maybe... I could make him less scary." Andres suggested.

"You mean-"

"Ya." Andres interrupted. "Have you ever seen fit to fat to fit?" He asked.

"No, what is it?"

"It's a show where personal trainers gain a lot of weight so they can then lose it with the person they're training. It makes the weight loss feel more personal cuz both of them are losing the weight together." Andres suggested.

"So you're saying we make him fat so he can lose the fat with us." Nate questioned.

"Yes!" Andres responded.

They were both interrupted when Kent entered the room. He sat down at his chair and began typing away at his computer. Andres winked at Nate as he got up and approached Kent. He put his hand on Kent's neck and he almost immediately froze. Fat started to pile into the young man's body. His cut six pack became a large muscle gut that stretched his shirt to its limit. His solid pecs became soft moobs that pressed firmly against his shirt. His arms started to look soft as a thick layer of fat covered his muscle, though they still looked large and imposing. His ass widened until it took up the entire office chair he sat in. And his legs thickened until they permanently rubbed against each other. Andres was feeling generous as a large bulge formed in Kent's pants. Finally Kent's jawline disappeared under a layer of fat and a double chin folded under his shirt stubble.

Andres seemed like he was just about to end the transformation, but wanted to add one final touch. Kent's face seemed to mature as wrinkles formed on his face and his hairline receded. It receded almost to the point of leaving bald. His build also seemed to change as his already broad shoulders broadened and his belly and ass stuck out a bit more. Finally Andres lifted his hand from Kent's neck and sat back down in his seat. "Now he's about our age, and much heavier. He should be no problem." Andres said confidently to Nate.

As if nothing had happened, Kent swung his chair around toward the couple. He lifted his hand up to his gut and began rubbing it.

"Well let's get started."

[bubblesxo]

(harvey bullock in the batfam)

okay, so this post is to elaborate on something i was talking about in tags the other day etc. etc.

so basically, my whole point was that bruce is a little chaos gremlin. he has so many bad habits and does so many illegal activities completely nonchalantly that it sometimes can make people question his mental state.

of course, this all originated from his childhood and the way that he was raised. we know from the gotham tv (which this post is specific to) that bruce was close with his parents, though his father did have secrets that eventually killed him. nevertheless, bruce was raised well for the first 12 years of his life. very well, in fact. he was rich, he had a butler and two loving parents---he had a good life.

and then his parents were shot in front of him.

12 years old and bruce is reborn. bruce after isn't the same person as bruce before. after the shooting, bruce has a purpose and a meaning to life. he knows what he needs to do---protect gotham and her people. make a difference. (though i won't get too ahead of myself.)

it starts out small. thomas wayne (bruce's dad) made alfred promise to never bring bruce to a psychologist if he and his wife were killed. alfred kept this promise and never did, even though that was definitely what bruce needed at the time.

bruce coped badly, especially at first. he had no appetite and stopped eating. he started burning himself, cutting himself, and holding his breath underwater so he could "test himself" and "overcome fear" (which is actually a recurring theme in the show). he went to the roof of his house and stood on the ledge to make himself not fear heights.

it was obvious then that bruce needed help, but he didn't get it. instead, he got alfred (who i love!!). however, just because i love alfred doesn't mean i can't acknowledge that he is one of the main reasons bruce ended up the way he did.

it's no secret that bruce is a little messed up. we all know that, right? anyway, alfred did a lot of crazy stuff in his time taking care of bruce, which is understandable, because he wasn't expecting to one day be going about his day and suddenly find himself a single father. he was definitely going through it with guilt and despair after his bosses were killed. didn't help that he had to find a way to care for their son.

anyway, alfred is also a bit odd. he has a strong opinion on what it means to be strong and also a strong opinion on bruce being safe. once, bruce sprained his ankle hiking and alfred let him crawl up a hill for half an hour. however, he followed that up with honoring one of bruce's prized family traditions. alfred frequently was a bit rough when teaching bruce to fight, which, admittedly, bruce didn't seem to mind, but he once did punch bruce in the nose after purposefully distracting him to make a point about him not being ready.

i don't think learning to fight is harmful, of course. i just think that the way those two went about it was... interesting. and pretty cool. they have a great bond and i love that for him.

anyway, alfred never pushed back against him. thomas also told alfred to let bruce choose his own path like all waynes did, which is why bruce has way too much control over his own life way too early. (again, not blaming alfred per se. the man was grieving and following the order to the letter.)

this led to bruce doing more and more reckless things over time and learning way too much for his age. his gets involved in vigilatism around the age of 15 (i do believe? my timeline there is fuzzy) and, while alfred makes his disapproval known, he doesn't stop him.

alfred teaches bruce that he needs to be strong. he teaches him to always expect the worst. he teaches him to always be on guard and to never give up when facing opposition. these are not necessarily bad things.

then, there's jim gordon. jim was the first person to really talk to bruce after his parents were killed, and he promises bruce that he'll find the man who was responsible. over time as this is revealed to be much more complicated than expected, jim does not grow apart from the family. if anything, it just seems to make them all closer togehter. their lives are completely linked.

now, when jim talks, he has the crazy ability to make persuasive speeches. it's one of his things, a motif of his in the show---he always gives speeches, especially when motivating people. now, as a kid, freshly orphaned, bruce needed motivation. jim tells bruce a lot of things that could be misinterpreted and come back to hurt him. he also, however, draws him in closer to the mess that is gotham and it's crime world. this encouragement only makes bruce more determined to get involve over time.

now, i made a post saying that these two basically coparented bruce, and i stand by this. alfred did all of the day-to-day stuff and helped really form bruce as a person, but jim was the one who really imparted his morals and hope on bruce.

jim taught bruce that everyone can be redeemed, and anyone can be saved. just like batman believes.

jim and bruce talk about darker and more complicated things as time passes. for example, they once talked about how you sometimes need to let go of your own pride in order to take care of other people (which ended up with a lot of bad results)

this leads to jim killing someone and bruce's brain being changed. he gets most of his morals from jim most likely, and jim is not necessarily particularly "good" often. he violates police procedure and the law frequently to help people.

now, jim's partner is harvey bullock. while he and bruce aren't the closest in the canon material for the show, they did have a few notable interactions and i believe that we can really extrapolate here.

before, i said that harvey would freak out at the realization that he's old. i stand by this. however, harvey also knows that he's getting older and will eventually need to leave the force in jim's hands.

harvey is a very blunt man. he knows how to lie but he doesn't really ever do so unless his life depended on it. when he talks to bruce, the two of them really click. despite harvey having committed so many crimes and broken many, many departmental policies, it is shown that he is still a good man deep down.

harvey tells bruce stories all the time. he talks to him about the legal AND illegal things that he has done both on and off the job, and bruce picks up on way too many of him. he gets /ideas/. he has the money, after all. he can learn how to do that stuff.

bruce really just wants to make life better for the others tbh. that's like his life goal. harvey basically teaches bruce how to emulate the more gritty parts of batman---torture in interrogation, breaking and entering, gathering information, how to break the law without getting caught, etc. etc. of course, some of his terms really rub off on bruce.

i'm imagining bruce calling someone "putz" as an insult. it's just so funny to me

i was falling asleep while writing this so i'm gonna snooze now and maybe add more later bcuz that was a bit lacking in harvey sorry!!

[poetrysmackdown]

some informal thoughts

hello! hope the holiday season has been kind to all of you. and i hope all my jewish followers had a lovely hanukkah! anyways, since i said a few months ago that i’d pick poetry smackdown back up sometime around this time of year, i thought i should make a post. the gist of it is that i’m still quite busy, i have a break that’s about three weeks shorter than I was planning on, and i don’t currently have the mental bandwidth required to read, contemplate, and sort through poem submissions in a way that does justice to them, even if i were to recruit some friends to help out. since running a tournament format requires at least five weeks of continued engagement once it’s underway, and since i’m not at capacity to offer that right now due to the change in my schedule, i’m gonna have to bow out for now. sad bc i was looking forward to it!

my hope is that i’ll have some more time over the summer to hunker down with it, in which case you’ll be hearing from me. it’ll frankly depend on the kind of job i land in for the summer, but i find that my unemployed spirit can typically keep me doing stupid shit regardless of workload...to a point. i don’t want to make any promises because i don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up just to let them down again LOL. i do admit the amount of exposure the first tournament got has made me feel like more of a perfectionist this time around, doubly because i don’t feel that i’m very suited to being a public online presence (even a relatively quite small one)—i’m bad enough at responding to emails for my own real life responsibilities, let alone tumblr asks for the silly responsibilities i invent for myself lol. that’s not to say i no longer want to do it, or i don’t enjoy it, or even that i don’t feel capable of making a really interesting bracket—just that if i am working to put something new together, and if people are taking the time to submit poems they care about, then i don’t want to half-ass it.

my second admission is something like this. I made the original bracket as a celebration of poetry and our relationships to it. yes it was silly and competitive, and the poems were very tumblr, but still, celebration was the intention—I wanted to have conversations about poetry. I stand by the bracket format as a fun and valuable way to foster conversations about poetry, but truthfully, the poems i’m wanting to have conversations about right now—the poems that we should be talking about right now—are ones that i'm not comfortable putting in a bracket. I reblogged The Baffler’s Poems from Palestine collection on here earlier, and Najwan Darwish’s “Who Remembers The Armenians?”, which I still often find repeating through my head when I'm traveling from one place to another, walking home or riding the bus. I came across this beautiful thread recently where people have been translating Dr. Refaat Alareer’s “If I Must Die” into their own languages (this just makes my translator's heart sing!!!!!!). @havingapoemwithyou has been posting some great poems from and for Palestine as well—check out their tag here.

There's always more to add, and I'll be posting more on here as I come across it, but that's what I feel anyone should be focusing on right now when it comes to poetry. i think poetry can be an escape but it should never be a distraction. does that make sense? i wouldn't be against doing a one-off poll here or there, but it feels weird to be making a tournament for poetry right now, or anytime soon. i feel like what free time i have right now is still best utilized helping my friends with organizing in the real world. and god, a bit off-topic but while I'm talking, fuck poetry foundation—I have so much respect for all the poets keeping up the boycott, because while i think it's a simple decision, it's not always an easy one (Aurielle Lucier discussed that here).

anyways, if you read all of this, thank you for your time!! I could go on and on, but really this was just meant to be a message telling y'all that there won't be another tournament for a while lol. even so i'll be trying to use this small silly platform as best i can until palestine is free because that's the absolute least i can do.

[tomkaulitzssgirl]

First of all I need to say I love love love love loveeeeee your writing 🫶 tbh, you inspire me to get back into writing myself !! If you still were accepting requests, I was wondering if you could maybe do smth for Bill and a female reader who’s really short and insecure about her height and gets feels really low and depressed due to it? Maybe she is sick of some of the comments/jokes being made by some fans (and maybe even Tom at first ?? LOL) when she is seen together with Bill? And he could like comfort her or smth maybe he finds her sexy?? Maybe even smut with a SIZE KINK OH EM GEEEE 🥵 tyty so much 🖤

- okay so at first when you met him, the first thing he noticed was how short you were, but not in a bad way, he actually found that really cute

- you had always been insecure of your height, because people in school always made fun of you for it

- you actually had a time in your life where you were scared to go out because people would make fun of you

- it was really tough, especially because all of your friends were so tall compared to you

- you didn’t understand why they would pick on you though, it made no sense

- why make fun of something that you can’t decide? it was stupid

- but again, there are many stupid people in the world

- so when bill actually started appreciating it, you were in shock

- you thought he didn’t want to be with someone short, you thought he would’ve liked a model - tall girl type of thing

- BUT GOD WERE YOU WRONG

- he loved picking you up, it was so easy for him

- when you guys took pictures together, he would always playfully put his arm on your head and you would pose with annoyed look on your face

- for sometime, you actually were confident in yourself since bill made you feel that way

- but it all crumbled down when paparazzi started taking pictures of you two together when you went public

- bill loved how he was so tall in those pictures where you walked together

- and god how he loved the way his hand was much bigger than yours

- he could easily lift you with just one hand

- but then again, not everybody thought of it that way

- you knew that going public would’ve brought love and hate and you were right

- many jealous fans started making fun of you, calling you a dwarf or saying that bill looked like your father because of how small you were (which made you disgusted)

- so for awhile, you cried yourself to sleep when you were alone while you pretended to be happy with him

- he didn’t pay much attention to the media since he was used to it but for you it was such a new thing

- infact at first he just told you to ignore it

- but one night, while you were on tour with him, he heard you sniffling while you were under the covers

- he approached you slowly, thinking you maybe had a cold

- but when you turned around after a few times of refusing to do it, his heart broke completely

- “oh, meine liebe…” he would whisper as he hugged you tightly, laying beside you

- he would get so angry

- you guys would talk about it and he promised he would make sure to tell his fans to stop this bullshit

- he would never fail to remind you how beautiful you are

“Y/N, i love everything about you and you know that, your eyes, your smile, your hair, your body, everything! there is nothing i don’t worship on you. i won’t let people ruin your mental health and confidence.”

- he knew how it felt being bullied since he experienced it sadly

- he couldn’t understand how people could be so evil, especially to you

- no one could touch you or make you feel hurt in any way

- he also had to deal with his dumb twin, tom

- even if he did it out of love, tom would make fun of you too sometimes

- you would fake a laugh, especially during the times where you were the most insecure

- bill would notice and tell him to stop before talking to him in private about the situation

- after that tom would apologise wholeheartedly

- you were like a sister to him now and he didn’t want to make you feel bad, it was just his way of playing and showing love

- you would be embarrassed at first because your insecurity was something that only bill knew about besides your parents

- but you accepted his apologies immediately

- BUT…..there are not just bad things about this

- remember when i said bill loved how his hand was bigger than yours?

- well, it didn’t stop there

- he loved how his whole body was bigger than yours

- especially in bed

- he loved being on top of you, watching your small figure underneath him, struggling to take all of him

- he loved watching his hand wrap around your neck

- or how he could easily change your positions and fil you over like you were just a feather

- he would be really careful though, he didn’t want to hurt you

- and honestly, during those times, you loved being this short and small

- like it would actually make you so wet jlsnwj

- the feeling of being overpowered by him, being so submissive to him and hearing him praise you for being such a good girl for taking him so well was something out of this world

- even when sometimes you wanted to act like the dominant one, he would always made sure to remind you that you couldn’t top him

- he would look down at you with a smirk as you tried to make him obey to you

- “what? you wanna be so tough but can’t even look at me in the eyes?” he would tell you when you tried to say something smart at him but quickly looked away when he would lean down, with his arms folded against his chest

- so yeah basically, not everything was bad

- you knew that he loved you for being you, flaws and everything (even if for him it wasn’t a flaw)

- and you loved him for being so gentle and patient with you during the hard times

- honestly, such a sweet and healthy couple <3

a/n: hope you like this <3 love u so much thank u for the sweet words, hope you get back to writing! <3

[vorpalfae]

Trigger Warning: Rare Illness/Health Issues [wasn't sure if this need a tw but these topics make some ppl uncomfy so i wanted to be considerate anyway💜]

so a lot of ppl have been asking me why i don't post pics anymore or why i have barely been on social media compared to how i used to be. and the reason is i've been having severe health issues for a very long time. i can't even remember the last time i went more than a month without feeling nauseous, or actually throwing up, or just having headaches and stomach pain that are so bad i can barely tolerate them.

i've known for a while that i have gastritis, but my mom & my bf convinced me to go to a new doctor for a second opinion. after months & months of pure agony and feeling exhausted and sick to the point where i have no energy, i finally know why. i went to a specialist and discovered i have a rare illness called CVS (Cyclic vomiting syndrome). and i also am lactose intolerant which was amplifying my symptoms because i eat dairy products constantly.

i am going to be starting treatment for it and i really hope it improves my life and my ability to function because i am so tired of "living" like this. just existing has been exhausting and painful. i literally haven't been able to accomplish any of the goals i have because i can't go more than a few days without feeling horrible.

i already feel useless because i'm autistic and i have bipolar 1 and i'm waiting on disability payments to come through because i am unable to work with my disabilities. so my bf has been working and doing his best to take care of me and our kids. i just feel so horrible and guilty all the time. and i genuinely didn't know why i feel sick 24/7. all i want is to feel like myself again. and to do all the things i miss doing. i feel like i'm trapped by this illness.

i'm grateful to have answers and know what i'm dealing with finally. but after suffering like this almost every single day for so long its so hard to feel hopeful for the future at this point. i'm literally in tears as i type this. its just been really bad. i never do my makeup anymore or feel good about myself. i can barely move sometimes because the pain in my stomach is so bad or i get pain in my throat from vomiting for hours at a time, and then i get MORE pain from dry heaving due to not being able to hold down any food. and then i get random migraines and headaches that last all day as a result of all of that. its taking a huge toll on my body and my mental health. my depression gets worse during the winter season so when this started getting really bad it just made my mental health a million times worse. its literal hell.

but yeah thats why i haven't been online. real life is hard enough and i haven't been motivated to post because of the hell i'm going through or a lot of the time i physically CAN'T make content. but i'm going to keep trying. i'm going to do every fucking thing my doctors tell me to do because im so fed up with suffering. i promise that i will make content again and post the things i create and other stuff i used to post about before i stopped being able to function. as soon as i start to feel semi normal or at least well enough to do daily activities and complete even small goals, i will post about it. i'll keep u guys updated.

i appreciate every single person who follows me and my content, and all the ppl who keep checking up on me and wondering where the fuck i went. i love you guys so much💜 and i'm so sorry to all the ppl who haven't heard from me. if i can gain at least a little bit of my physical strength and health back, i will be so happy. i also am trying to get vitamins prescribed to me because im severely lacking nutrients but they are so expensive and i can't afford them out of pocket until i get my disability money. i'm also anemic and have to start taking iron supplements again. i'm just a giant ball of health issues😭 its actually ridiculous how bad my health has been. but i'm a mom and for that reason i will never stop trying. i will do whatever it takes to get better. i don't think my health could get much worse than it is currently. hopefully i didn't just jinx myself by saying that😭

sorry for the super long explanation, i just have sooo many messages in my inbox and questions that you guys send me that i haven't answered. i don't want to leave u in the dark. the connections i've made on this silly little blog mean the world to me. and everything i've been going through has been so hard to explain. but since i recently got a REAL answer as to why i'm suffering so much, i felt it was a good time to let you guys know what is going on with me. like i said, when i am able to feel somewhat normal again i will post consistently and re-open my shop too! it sucks so bad having a passion for creating but being too sick to even get out of bed other than to get sick in the bathroom. i've been to the emergency room more times this month than i have in the last 4 years. if i can overcome this awfulness i will not take it for granted. i will work harder than i ever have to create and share it with the world. but for now i just have to sit back and do whatever my doctors tell me to do and hope to god that it helps me 😞

[henneseyhoe]

2| KILLA HOTLINE

(Pls forgive me if the smut part is bad, I’ve never written phone sex lmao)

✮✮✮✮

“Killa hotline, how may I satisfy your needs tonight, love?” a silky smooth voice erupted from the other side, soothing R&B music playing lowly in the background. I couldn’t help but to pause, my words immediately got caught in my throat, leaving me unable to speak. ‘Why did I do this again..?’ I wondered, my lips sewing themselves together. I heard a deep chuckle after a few seconds, the man finding humor in the situation. “Cat got your tongue? You must be new”

He speaks again, making me let out a quiet moan involuntarily, my thighs clenching together. “Y-yes” I finally spoke, my response coming out more timid than I wanted it to. “Yes…what?” He was silent after, waiting on my response. I looked around my room I’m confused, trying to think about what he was pushing me to say. “Yes?” I asked, still confused.

I hear him move around, sounding as if he was typing on something “…we’ll work on that response later. What’s your name, shy girl?” He asks, and I swallow down pressure of nervousness that had bombarded my throat. “Uh—..Kate..lyn. My name is katelyn” I stammered and mentally cursed myself out for sounding like this.

‘Jesus, Y/N. this man isn’t even in your face and you stuttering like you cold’

The man laughed, not believing a word, rightfully so. “Be serious. What’s your name? I promise it’ll sound better rolling off my tongue than katelyn” he says, a small smile growing on my face. I rolled my eyes, trying to loosen up a little. “Sorry, I don’t know why I lied” I chuckled.

“I’m Y/N. It’s nice to…meet you?” I question my greeting, wondering if that was even the proper way of saying that. “Now that’s more believable. You have a beautiful name, Y/N. I know it’s just as pretty as that face” he said, the sound of my name doing exactly what he said, rolling perfectly off his tongue.

I trapped my bottom lip in between my teeth, hiding my smile as if he could see me gushing. The sound of my name coming from him made my stomach turn. “Thank you…what’s yours?” I ask, starting to play with the strings to my sweatpants. “..I’m Erik, but you can call me anything that slips out after “yes” and a moan. It’s nice getting your call tonight”

‘he was in one of the pictures in the email. damn, he was fine’

I pulled the phone from my ear and squealed, reaching up and grabbing a pillow to muffle myself. I wondered what had gotten into me, I wasn’t usually this shy or giddy when it came to men anymore. Hell, I barely paid them mind in real life, but maybe it’s cause it’s over the phone. I threw the pillow back to its place and put my phone back to my ear “you okay?” He asked and I hum a ‘yes’.

“Yup. So…Erik, or Killmonger, should I say?this your hotline alone?” I ask, gaining a bit of confidence. He chuckles. “Nope. It’s three others, you lucky you got me though” I raised an eyebrow. “And why’s that?” I asked, settling back into a comfortable position. “Cause, I’ll have your legs shaking without even being there” I gasp quietly, now crossing my legs to stop the newfound pulsing. “Oh— that’s…interesting.” I respond, and he hums back.

“So, how’d you find my number and stage name?” He queries and I try to think of a less unserious story, but decided to just tell the truth. “My friends. They signed me up for the email thing and…I guess I stumbled upon the number and your picture with your name under it” explaining, I shook my head, still not believing how my girls would go against me like that by giving these people my email.

“Well, did you like what you saw?”

“Huh?”

“My picture, doll. Did you like it?” I smile at the nickname and kick my feet in the air girlishly, holding in a giggle. “Yes. I liked it. I see why they call you Killmonger” I attempted to flirt, swirling the draw string of my pants around my finger. “that ain’t why they call me that”

My eyebrows raise, now wondering how I was gonna piggyback off of that to maintain the flirting lines I had already made up in my head to say. “Then why?” I could practically hear a smile growing on his lips before he spoke “cause I kills the pussy” he responds and I immediately go silent, muting my phone.

Switching myself to kneel on the king sized bed, I put my head face down in the covers and squeal once again, nothing but tingling surrounding my clit. ‘Girl, get it together’ the voice in the back of my head spoke and I sighed, lifting my head and shaking it before unmuting the phone.

“…boy bye. Can’t be that good” I simply said, ignoring the butterflies in my stomach. “You wanna test it out?” He said suddenly, cutting any other sentence I had off. I struggled to find a response “I-…what?…” he continues “I’m serious. What do you think this hotline is for, ma? I’m here to make you cum as many times as you want. Just say the word”

I was astonished, yet confused with what I was supposed to say. Was I really about to have phone sex with a nigga I didn’t know from a can of paint like this was the 90s? Yes. Yes I was.

“Okay…yes” I spoke, rolling onto my back.

✮✮✮✮

“That feel good, baby?”

“Yes, yes, yessss” I mewled, rocking myself onto my fingers. kneeling onto my bed with my face in my pillows and my hands shoved into my panties, I kept a bullet vibrator placed on my clit turned onto a low setting as my fingers went a pace that was a bit faster. my phone laid next to my head on speaker, Erik encouraging me to keep fucking myself. “Slow it down a little. I don’t need you cumming so soon” he says, his voice being deeper than when we started to converse.

I whined and slowed down my fingers movements, wishing I could do what I really wanted and jump through this damn phone.

“Mhmm, I know, baby. Daddy know how that pussy just beggin’ to cum, right?” He asked softly, making me clench around my fingers. Moaning into the phone, I struggled to not fuck myself faster to the sound of his voice. I could have came right then and there with him humming into the phone like that.

“Answer me when I talk to you, Y/N” he demands and I whimper, my legs starting to shake. “Yes, daddy…I wanna cum so bad” I said, my tone barely above a whisper.

“Good, that’s what I want. Now put that vibrator down and rub that clit for me”

“Yes”

I nodded as if he could see me. feeling my juices start to drip directly into my panties as I pull my fingers out, them not being able to keep in or block the essence of me from spilling anymore. Removing my vibrator from my panties, I carelessly tossed it to the other side of the bed and began rubbing small circles on my bundle of nerves, my eyes rolling back into my head. “Shhh—it!” I moaned shamelessly, just now remembering no one could hear me from the penthouse, a pro of living all the way on the top floor alone.

I heard Erik’s breath on the other end speed up along with mine, a low groan erupting from his throat before he spoke.

“I hear it. I know you close”

He kept going with his encouragement, pushing me closer to cumming.

“Mmm, just imagine how this dick gon’ feel stretching you out. I’d have you beggin’ for a break”

“Arch that back too. I wanna make sure I’ll have the perfect view”

“Faster, baby. Get that pussy soaking for daddy to drown in”

My clit jumped at my touch, signaling that I was getting closer and closer to my release. “I’m gonna— I’m g-“ before I could get any word out, I felt my panties get soaked, my legs closing and my upper body popping up on instinct. I gasped in shock at the scene, looking down at not only my legs but my comforter being completely wet with my release.

“Oh shit…” I shook, actively coming down from my high while still looking down at the shocking amount of wet spots underneath me, tiny ones from the splash dotting around the larger one that was directly below me. I heard Erik shift then sigh “so…what was that about it not being that good again?” He spoke cockily and I glared at my phone before cautiously getting off of the bed, careful not to get anything on my carpet.

“Shut up…” I mumble, still in awe, thinking ‘Damn, if he could do that with only his voice, imagine what the dick could do’

✮✮✮✮

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

For the 1k fics...maybe another take on them coming back to the ship in s1e4, where Ed's a bit scared and reluctant to let Stede take care of him becuase he's never been able to do that before, and he pretends it's fine until it's obvious he's in such bad shape he needs help?

Yes. YES.

(Still taking prompts for 1k word fics! Can't promise I'll do all of them or will get to them in a timely fashion, but if they inspire me I'm doing them!)

--

Let the record show: Ed only said Stede shouldn’t have expected him to melt back into his arms, he never said Ed wasn’t going to do it.

He’d started the walk back to the ship with his head full of ideas. Even if he couldn’t quite trust Stede was all in, not just yet, not when everything was so fresh, he thought he might’ve been brave enough to reach out to hold his hand.

He didn’t.

Not because he didn’t want to, but because by the time they made it back to the ship, all of his available mental faculties had been entirely devoted to putting one foot in front of the other. 

He was a bit banged up. Nothing to be concerned about. It had only almost killed him.

The crew had been completely expecting Stede to turn back up with Ed in tow (to Ed’s surprise, but not Stede’s), and their only firm condition for that night was that Ed had to be locked into the captain’s cabin overnight.

Ed made it up the ladder, across the deck, and he waited for Stede to turn the key in the lock, and then he let out his breath and collapsed down to his haunches, finally letting himself feel the pain, so acute it promptly made him tear up.

“Ed?”

Stede’s voice was heavy with concern, and with a groan, Ed yanked himself back up to his feet. “Sorry,” he said, hearing his voice like it was coming from underwater. “Bit tired.”

“Oh, I’m sure.” Stede frowned sympathetically. “There are some first-aid supplies in the bathroom - I was going to clean you up a bit, earlier, but-”

“No,” Ed said sharply, taking a reflexive step back. “I’ll do it myself.”

That was a very important rule. Blackbeard didn’t go around letting people patch him up; he looked strong and he didn’t show it and he took care of himself, later, when no one could see.

“Okay,” Stede said softly, his frown deepening. “That’s fine, obviously, but if you wanted me to-”

“I don’t,” Ed said quickly, and to make that seem less harsh, he gave Stede a friendly pat on the shoulder. “It’s nothing.”

“Well, call me if you need anything,” Stede said. “I’m going to find you something warm to sleep in, alright?”

“Sure, man.”

Ed would not be calling Stede if he needed anything. Acting pathetic like that was just fuckin’ asking for Stede to leave him again.

Ed hobbled into the bathroom, trying to play the limp off as a casual lean against nearby objects.

When he got to the bathroom, he didn’t really have the strength anymore to keep himself standing up, so he just sank to the floor. That was fine.

He couldn’t hold back a soft cry as he peeled his jacket off and pulled his shirt over his head, and he just had to hope Stede hadn’t heard that. There was a floor-length mirror in here, and he kind of shuffled over to get a look at himself.

He looked like warmed-over shit. The cuts on his temple and cheeks and his split lip stung, and his chest was covered with bruises and scrapes and a few deeper cuts. Some of them would need stitched up, all of them would need cleaning. His chinks were too pink; he tentatively pressed the back of his hand to his forehead and flinched from how hot his skin felt.

He tried to summon up the strength to stand up and grab the first-aid kit from where it sat on top of the sink. The resulting wave of weakness made him double over, forehead landing softly against the mirror, his breath fogging up the glass.

If he didn’t get help, he was going to pass out in here.

Ed clenched his eyes shut.

“Stede?”

He’d called out tentatively, as quietly as he could without whispering, and it all but confirmed his suspicions that Stede had probably been waiting just outside the door when he rushed in.

And it was…a little fucking terrifying, actually, and Ed didn’t know if he was the kind of person who could just trust that easily.

“Alright, Ed,” he realized Stede was saying. “I’m going to help you up - can I touch you?”

Ed nodded, and he slumped into Stede’s side as Stede gently helped him to his feet, helping him hobble to the bed.

Stede told him what he was going to do before touching him, always giving him plenty of warning and time to protest if he’d needed to. He tenderly cleaned and stitched up Ed’s injuries, whispering apologies whenever Ed hissed or winced at the pain.

“You’re doing so well,” Stede told him once he’d cleaned him up and helped him into a soft nightgown, having him lay back on the pillows so he could put a cool cloth on his forehead. “You’re so brave, Ed.”

Ed managed a feeble sort of snort. “I’m acting like a baby.”

“Not at all,” Stede promised. He pulled a chair up next to the bed, and helped Ed lift his head for a drink of water that tasted like heaven going down. “You can rest now, okay? I’ll be here when you get up.”

“Promise.” Ed meant to make it sound like a threat. It didn’t.

“I promise,” Stede said.

Stede left one hand on Ed’s chest, always, as his other hand reapplied the cloth on his forehead, and it didn’t take a tactical genius to know what he was doing there. Feeling for the rise and fall of Ed’s chest beneath his palm, counting the heartbeats beneath his fingers.

And that was something, wasn’t it, that Stede was so scared of not being able to feel those things that he didn’t want to move his hand away even for a second.

You’re safe now. I’ll never leave you again.

Ed closed his eyes, and as he drifted off under Stede’s watchful hands, he came one step closer to trusting that was true.

[sirfrogsworth]

Actually, I might have too many reasons.

I'm afraid it has been a really difficult few years for me and my family.

Our beloved corgi, Otis, developed a terrible condition (degenerative myelopathy) that made him lose the function of his back legs. Once his quality of life diminished passed the point where he could no longer experience joy as a dog and only had hardship and suffering to look forward to, we had to put him to sleep.

In February, despite taking painstaking measures to stay safe, my entire family contracted COVID and I also developed a kidney stone at the same time. Unfortunately, my mother was on medication that made her immune system pretty much useless. She died a horribly lonely death in the ICU. The last time I got to speak to her was over the telephone, with a nurse holding the phone up to her face. She was confused and scared and could not breathe despite being on two different breathing aids. All she could do was ask if my dad and I were okay. She was more worried about us than herself. Then they had to put her mask back on and she kept trying to talk even though I couldn't understand her. All I could hear was the fear in her voice. I tried to tell her how much I loved her one last time, but I have no idea if she could hear me.

She lost consciousness soon after and never woke up. Eventually her heart gave up and she passed. I only got to see her once briefly through a glass door. Her body was still alive, but she was already gone at that point. Just an unconscious vessel attached to machines.

My father has kidney failure and heart failure. He is being kept alive by dialysis 3 times per week. He hates going and it wipes him out every time. We hope he has a year or two left, but it's impossible to know for sure.

I am his caretaker even though I am also disabled with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Narcolepsy. I do my best to make sure his needs are met. My brother has been almost no help at all. A few friends and my aunt come by every once in a while to help with chores, but it's pretty much just me alone taking care of the both of us.

I have no idea where I am going to live if my dad passes away. I have no plan. I have no energy to make a plan. And that fear makes it hard to sleep many nights.

Then I was having these horrible stomach issues and lost nearly 30 pounds (in a bad way). The discomfort got so bad at one point I became suicidal. My dad feared for my life and so he called the police and EMTs. They admitted me into the hospital. After 2 days in the ER, being stuck in a small room because they had no other place to put me during COVID, I was finally admitted to a psychiatric ward for observation. Weirdly my stomach issues started improving and my suicidal thoughts passed.

I'm honestly not sure if I would have taken my own life if I had not been admitted. But I will say those two days in a tiny ER room did not do much to improve my mental health. It is sad that in this country with all its resources, there is no such thing as urgent mental healthcare. They just stick you in a room and make sure you can't hurt yourself as you wait in line to get the actual help you need.

Thankfully I was able to adjust some medication I was taking and resolve my stomach issues. That seemed to relieve me of my dangerous thoughts and I have been okay in that regard ever since.

My dad had a serious infection in July that placed him in the hospital. He lost the ability to walk, his heart stopped briefly, and he started having horrible hallucinations. At one point I wasn't sure if he would ever return to reality. Nothing he said made any sense. Thankfully once they treated the infection and he got decent sleep he returned to lucidity. But he had to go through brutal rehab in order to walk again (with a walker and only short distances).

He was in hospital and rehab for over a month. After what happened to my mom, I promised myself that my dad would not be alone in the hospital. So, no matter how bad I physically felt, I pushed myself to visit him and be at his bedside every day and all day until they kicked me out. It was grueling for both of us, but I don't know if he would have recovered if I hadn't been there. Partly because I kept his spirits up, but also because I was able to get him better care as an advocate. I had to push to make sure he got the tests and medication he needed and saw the doctors that could help him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

The only bright side of his hospital stay is that we rediscovered our love for St. Louis Cardinals baseball. We bonded over it and ended up watching every game. We were very sad when they were quickly eliminated in the first round of the playoffs. But it was a magical season as two fan-favorite players were playing their final season and they had amazing and emotional sendoffs. (Albert Pujols and Yadier Molina) It is my hope that my dad has at least one more baseball season left in him.

My health took a serious downturn earlier this year. It happened on the very same day that my best friend Katrina came to visit from Florida. I got so sick I could barely appreciate her presence when she was here. I had been looking forward to seeing her for a very long time and my stupid chronic illness ruined it. I was counting on that visit to give me a mental health boost.

I recovered a few weeks later, but my health has never been the same. I had to adjust to a new normal and adapt and find ways to take care of my father despite being further impaired.

I also lost my last creative outlet--writing. I enjoy researching and writing long and humorous political essays, but since my health declined further, I have not been able to write like that ever since. I'm really hoping I can regain that ability, but I'm unsure if that will happen.

One of my best friends is trans and I have many trans friends and followers and I am just really scared for them right now. The laws that are being proposed and passed are unjust and cruel. I have never witnessed such an effective campaign of hatred in my lifetime. I mean, I know there has always been hatred of the marginalized in every era of modern human existence, but this seems to go beyond just the conservative hate-mongers. It is not couched in subtext and dog whistles. It is overt and very "out loud." And I'm seeing people who claim to be progressive join in this hatred.

They are suddenly super worried about sports they never used to pay attention to. They think bathrooms are suddenly dens of danger despite trans people existing long before this concentrated hate became popular and bathrooms being perfectly safe beforehand. And now people believe that helping trans kids with proper healthcare is akin to child abuse. They think accepting trans kids is "grooming."

I see Twitter and Reddit threads filled with transphobia and it often brings me to tears to see people openly and comfortably hate the people I love so much. They hate people who have no tangible effect on their lives. People who just want to exist and be respected.

I just don't know how people can hate my friends so much without even knowing them.

Also, I'm just... really really lonely. All the time. It feels like a constant punch in the gut. I miss seeing and hugging my friends. I miss romantic companionship. And I've got a 20+ year streak of being sexually frustrated and am completely unsure how in the world to address that.

And finally, I decided to watch The Handmaid's Tale which is just full of rape and sadness. I figured I'm already horribly depressed, so a show probably isn't going to do much more damage. But it is still a tough watch.

That's the major headlines of my depression.

I'm just trying to survive and find little ways to cope. Mostly I am leaning on my support system and amazing best friends to keep me propped up and functioning.

Best I can do right now.