zombiemagickeepsmealive

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Movie #186 watching every zombie movie ever. Premutos: The Fallen Angel (1997) was a funny aesthetic gore fest. This was the goriest movie I've seen since Dead Alive. But I found this one funnier.

So the first fallen angel, prior to Lucifer, keeps coming back and trying to take over Earth. And we see his son - who always starts the invasion - throughout history aiding Genghis Khan and Hitler, helping to resurrect Jesus (or Premutos was Jesus?). It was blasphemous and hilarious because he's always this really stupid guy who doesn't even know he's the son of a demon and he sparks Hell's invasion by getting himself killed (or hurt enough to kill a normal human). Our modern version of him is a whiny loser who (for no plot-related reason) suffers an extremely bad genital injury. This part was hard to watch, honestly, and it's why it took me so long to get through it. But the fact that it happened to arguably the most evil person alive made it funny. Anyway, there's a nice meek man who gets shit on all the time who finds his courage in the zombie hordes and kills Premutos once more. Where did he get the tank? Shush! Oh, and there's this woman who is a horrible person and she gets surrounded by zombs, but she's beside a table full of guns, so she picks up a small pistol, aims, and pulls the trigger, and a little flame pops out of the barrel. It was a novelty lighter! Very funny. She did not survive.

Zombies were undead corpses, slow moving, stupid, flesh-eaters. Interestingly, to kill a zombie, a headshot will do it in one, but body damage also kills them if you do it enough. They just appear to have many more hit points than the alive people.

Fun and gross. 3.5 stars.

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Movie #185 watching every zombie movie ever. Plaga Zombie (1997) is our first movie from Argentina! It's about a bunch of college boys in a dorm (I think?) and a alien gets em and makes em zombies. About half of it is the main characters - an ex-pro-wrestler and would-be medical doctor - figuring out what's going on and how to kill the zombies, and the second half is pretty much just fun creative zombie fights and gags.

This is how you make a movie on a camcorder budget. You learn some cinematography, don't take yourselves seriously, and have a sense of humor. Can't make realistic zombies? Make funny ones!

Zombies were dead, but not stupid, at least not all the way stupid. They played poker, ordered pizza, tricked our heroes by juggling, and ran away when scared. They also feel pain, laugh like little goblins, and they all look different, green, red, white, grey, etc. They killed em by injecting them with a special acid they made on the spot because buddy's a doctor.

It was fun, funny, dumb, gory. I enjoyed it. Look at all the great pics I got! I got zombies makin out, Hulk crying over dead Superman, aliems, all of it. Three stars.

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Movie #184 watching every zombie movie ever. Uncle Sam (1996) was one of the least scary slashers I've seen. The baddie is a super scary looking zombie all burned up from a helicopter crash, but he puts on this silly uncle sam costume for most of the movie and the best look we get of him is through the tiny eye-holes of his discarded mask (pictured). I'm sure it was a budget saver, but it was a horror saver too.

So soldier dies in the Kuwait war and his body is shipped to his wife's sister's house for reasons. His nephew is a big fan of his hero uncle because he doesn't yet know the guy's an abusive scumbag. So he rises from the dead and kills a bunch of people mostly off screen and then another ex-soldier dude blows him up with cannonballs because the movie doesn't know how cannonballs work. Also there is a blind kid in a wheelchair who has psychic powers and knows what the killer is doing, no explanation.

You might think this movie would have some sort of anti-war or pro-war message, some political theme, some moral lesson, but the closest thing you could get would be to make sure you know that your hero isn't a bad guy before you help him. Or something. I could forgive all of it if the movie weren't so boring. Also every source calls it a comedy, but there's not a single joke or funny moment of any kind. 2/10 because at least the production value wasn't camcorder-in-the-woods.

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Movie #183 watching every zombie movie ever. Oooo, fire pretty. Maniac Cop III: Badge of Silence (1992) brought joy to my dead dead heart. The end of the epic trilogy and my favorite of the three by far. This dude was on fire for like half an hour. It was great!

So Maniac Cop was brought back once more again and he sees that another cop is being framed and is also brain dead and waiting to die. He wants to clear her name and then turn her into a zombie because that's his whole thing. But her soul is at peace actually and she doesn't want to be a zombie so our big dead baby cop throws a tantrum and accidentally lights her body on fire and then picks her up and lights himself on fire and then chases after our heroes in the most joyous car chase finale ever because he's literally on fire and physically grabbing onto cars and pushing them around and stuff!

I really needed this after the crap I've been watching and I nearly missed it. It was left off the wiki list, so I put on there myself once I realized. Epic movie slasher shlock. Enjoy it with a friend.

Four stars.

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Movie #182 watching every zombie movie ever. House of the Damned (1996), not to be confused with House of the Damned (1996). That's right. Same title, same year! I found the other one on five different platforms. Do you think I could find this one? I had to go for another free trial of some never-before-heard-of streaming site. I didn't think it was possible, but I think the 90s might be worse than the 80s.

This one didn't really have a plot so much as a premise. A lady made a deal with the devil or whatever that she would live forever and never age as long as she kept having daughters and killing them before they turned 21. So it's her daughter's 21st birthday party (a day early) and mom kills everybody and they all come back as zombies and try to kill her daughter. I don't know why she didn't just kill her own daughter! She killed her son! The daughter fights all her zombied friends and defeats her mom.

The production quality is worse than Night of the Living Dead. No actor in sight. Director/writer/producer's first movie. Shot in someone's apartment. 2/10

My gramma insists that I don't have to watch these. She doesn't understand. It's not my decision

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Movie #181 watching every zombie movie ever. Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island (1995) was written, shot, and edited by a 15-year-old straight boy and if that's not true, I don't care.

An asteroid hit the Earth killing everyone except for these ones, I guess. And now, eight years later, in the year 2008, these fierce female warriors battle in this wasteland with nothing but primitive laser pistols, slaves who are alive men but they have to eat people for a medical reason or whatever, and old rich guys who got their brains transplanted in young guys' bodies.

I hate that I had to watch this just because the movie calls cannibals zombies even though they're alive and were cured by some doctor mixing up some whatever in a vial. This "movie" was hilarious at first, but then it kept going for two hours. So many poorly done wrestles in mud and water, so many torture scenes that were obviously just BDSM fantasies, so many many women wearing t-shirts with belts on and no pants, so many up-skirt shots, so many boobies. No dialogue made sense, no fight scene was believable, no followable plot other than two groups of half naked women fight and one side is evil.

This wasn't a movie. This was soft core porn done in the most awkward ways possible. This is what would happen if every human on Earth suddenly forgot how we all talk and behave and think. Please zombie gods, give me the strength to last until the zombie renaissance.

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Movie #180 watching every zombie movie ever. Voodoo (1995) is nearly impossible to find. I was about to give up when one of the torrents suddenly worked. And I don't get why? It wasn't the greatest, but it wasn't bad.

A dumb guy surprises his girlfriend by moving to her university, joins a frat/cult, and narrowly avoids becoming zombified like the others. It's a really old-style psuedo-voodoo thing, but it was still intense. It didn't need a ton of gore, but it had some. Zombies were frat guys who had their souls stolen and were controlled by the head frat guy who wanted eternal life.

The reviews of this movie are in the gutter. Everyone shits on it. Maybe I've been watching too many movies made with a camcorder, seven dollars, and no actors, but this movie had plot, suspense, horror, Corey Feldman even! And I thought he was pretty cool until I googled him just now. For fuck's sake, can men take their insecure tiny brains away and stop ruining women's lives? For once?

Well that fucking taints a lot of my childhood favorites. New rule: never praise a male celebrity and never look him up.

6.5/10

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Movie #179 watching every zombie movie ever. Ozone (1995) was very hard to watch. Every thirty seconds or so another baffling decision was made by whoever cut this nonsense together. Everything in this movie was the cheapest thing. The special effects making the man's eyes and mouth bigger were meant to show parts of him swelling up because of the drug they injected him with.

Ozone is a drug that's not heroin, nope. You melt it on a spoon and then inject it and sometimes it immediately makes your head explode and sometimes it does nothing for the whole movie while they continuously warn you that you're becoming one of them. Sometimes it make face all bubbly. Sometime make you look like a grey demon with horns and all. You can't die or be hurt, but sometimes I guess you'll pretend to be hurt for a minute to give the protagonist time to get away and then you'll get up and scare him. This only vaguely resembled a zombie movie... or a movie at all.

It was the hardest movie to get through in at least a few weeks (and I watch a lot of crap). Nothing made sense or followed any sort of logic. Several times our hero woke up after something bad happened, but the movie gave no indication about how long or what part - if any - was a dream. One thing is certain, our hero got all gross and mutated and made sweet love to another mutated sack of gross and then later she gave birth to his demon baby (and it was NOT a rubber puppet) who immediately looked at our hero and said his name. Why was she even in prison? She was clearly on the bad guy's side. Whatever. 1 star just because I did get to laugh at some of the scenes.

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Movie #178 watching every zombie movie ever. Legion of the Night (1995) is one of a subgenre of action zombie flicks. The cinematography in this movie was surprisingly good and nothing else. A couple nerds make zombie super soldiers and then the mob kills one of the nerds and his son wants revenge, so he uses the super soldiers which works great, but they don't come back they keep killing just random people. No reason is provided for this. So our hero tries to stop them, dies, and gets brought back as a zombie super soldier. He's also an angry loser who treats his girlfriend bad. Perfectly relatable to a teen in the 90s.

Zombies were cyborg ninjas with guns and nothing seemed to kill them until the last third of the movie and then anything would kill them as long as it was done by the main character.

The acting was overred, the effects and stunts were underred. I don't know why they made this.

To sell cheap DVDs I guess.

3/10.

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Movie #177 watching every zombie movie ever. Shatter Dead (1994) is badly written and acted and cheaply made. It's trying to say something spiritual, but I don't really know what. It's kinda doing what I Am Legend did in the sense of people being the old world and the dead being the new world. But you can't kill these zombies save maybe for totally destroying their bodies. They are fully the same people except their bodies don't breathe or pump blood, so they don't heal. They have to 'live' on being damaged if they get injured. Some people die on purpose to avoid growing old. The majority of this movie is aesthetically boring, but this scene in which an angel fucks a woman from behind looks pretty good. There was a lot of nudity in this one too and not all of it felt unnecessary. I don't know man, I wanted to like this, but I don't get it and the movie doesn't try very hard to get me to care. 3/9

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“We all do what we can not to think about life.”

Movie #176 watching every zombie movie ever made. Dellamorte Dellamore (1994) is a wonderful surreal erotic horror romantic dramedy from Italy. I wrote down a bunch of quotes that I loved and I won't say much more than that. Zombies are dead people who come back after a week or so. Splitting their heads open kills them. Sometimes they talk and know who they are. Sometimes they seem like mindless biters. One of them rode a motorcycle. Now the quotes.

“You can never be too different.” “Mind your own business. I shall be eaten by whoever I please!” “The living dead and the dying living are all the same.” “I can only love an impotent man.” [lying about his penis] “I don’t have one. I don’t have anything at all.” “I’d give my life to be dead.” “Everything is shit. Everything that’s not shitty is sleep.”

I'm not sure what the point is or whether there is a point, but I will be thinking about this movie for weeks. 8.5/10.

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Movie #175 watching every zombie movie ever. Zombie Bloodbath (1993) is the successor to Zombie Rampage, a movie by the same creator. In fact, during Bloodbath someone suggests to the group that they go watch Zombie Rampage. That was pretty funny. They made a joke about how this only happens in cheap horror movies and they made that joke three separate times.

The plot of this one is that there are some people, one of whom has the best mullet ever, and then zombies attack. It must have been very boring and confusing to make. Like, "so we're dumping a body in a hole, but in the shot the body is actually on top of a pile of dirt?" "That's right, now action!" Weirdly this movie has less charm than its predecessor. 1 star.

Zombies are gore-munchers but they still look like people with white face paint and black eyes. Their speed depends on nothing and changes constantly.

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Movie #174 watching every zombie movie ever and I do mean EVERY one. Zombie Rampage (1992) was very hard to find. This movie barely exists! I didn't even know about it until it was mentioned in the wiki page of some other movie. It doesn't have its own wiki page even. It's not streaming anywhere and I can see why. And the only copy I could find as a torrent was in Spanish kind of. It was filmed in English, but the copy I found has Spanish translation. Not dubbing! A single voice over top of the whole movie doing all the dialogue in Spanish. So at least I could hear the English dialogue underneath. What a watch.

Ok so this is a B movie if there ever was one. Shot on a camcorder by a bunch of teenagers. Everything was done as if it was done by teens which I'm sure it was.

A gang is having trouble with its leadership. The leader wants to resurrect a fallen member, so he buys a very expensive book that tells him how. Meanwhile another totally unrelated group is also reading from a book and trying to resurrect the dead. MEANWHILE zombies are taking over the world. That's right, the outbreak was happening already, before the characters even tried to do it. The unrelated group succeeds, but I don't think the gang ever even attempts it. Then they all get eaten. At one point a guy shoots himself in the head and I swear is alive in the very next scene and for the rest of the film.

Zombies were dead people that kinda came out of the ground, but obviously just came up from behind the ground. Some of them looked horribly gory, one of them had a big rubber skeleton mask, and some were just people in Juggalo makeup.

This movie was bad in every way. Watching it was hard because of the translator. It was not a good experience at all. 6/10.

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Movie #173 watching every zombie movie ever. Weekend at Bernie's 2 (1993) is so bad that it's often used in other movies and shows as an example of a bad movie. It's the same idea as the first one pretty much (I think. I haven't seen it), but this time whenever music plays Bernie reanimates and dances in the direction of his treasure. I don't understand these movies with complete D-bags as protagonists. Not funny, not fun, not interesting, not anything. The vibe you get from the picture is pretty much the whole movie. Ten bads out of ten.

Zombie was a voodoo thing, but it was just a corpse that did the one thing. Couldn't die because it wasn't really undead.

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Movie #172 watching every zombie movie ever. Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993) is incredible. My dudes, this is a legit horror movie wrapped around a legit good romantic tragedy. The first two are comedies! How did they take that and make it into one of the best zombie movies I've seen yet? RotLD3 is easily in my top five movies on this entire list. I felt actually frightened, horrified, if you will. And I shed tears for these two lovers. There were a few moments that were over the top, but they only made it better; put a small smile on my face for a second before destroying my heart again.

Simple plot synopsis because I won't forget it and if anyone reads this, I don't wanna spoil it: Teen lovers, one dies, the other breaks into the military wing that's trying to make zombies into weapons, turns lover into zombie and goes on the run.

Zombies are typical RotLD, unkillable aside from destroying every part of the body. They're not always slow, but many of them are disabled by their deaths and so they limp or have rigor mortis and are overly stiff. They're also some of the scariest most horror-esque zombies yet.

Five stars.

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Movie #171 watching every zombie movie ever. My Boyfriend's Back (1993) was bad and also not good. Uhhhhhhhh, so a kid dies but he's in love and she wishes he wasn't dead or something so he gets alive again but zombified and nobody really cares other than to treat it like he's a bit weird. Nobody acts like how a person acts. No character is believable at all. Also at the end he goes to heaven and they give him a totally different reason for why he was a zombie. I only liked one thing about this movie which is that Philip Seymour Hoffman played a big dumb bully and he was still cute as heck. If you haven't seen Synecdoche New York starring Hoffman, please do. It's the greatest movie ever made even though it doesn't have zombies. This movie about a teen romance where the girl literally pulls her guy's ear off in her mouth while she's making out with technically his corpse and just kinda gets irritated about it, is a bad movie and also not good. One thumb up for Hoffman and nothing else.

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Movie #170 watching every zombie movie ever. Ghost Brigade (1993) was pretty dang darn good. It's the American civil war and its hell for both sides. Cruelty and savagery are not reserved for only the enemy. But a darkness takes over a group of dead soldiers, bringing them back to fight against both sides and turning those they judge to be strong to the undead. And the message I took from this film is that yes, war is hell and war creates monsters even those who fight against fascism and oppression are not immune to becoming horrors themselves. But that doesn't mean that the ghost brigade was right. The US civil war still had a right side to be on. It was still necessary to eliminate slavery even if it took war to do it. Spoilers. When our hero released his southern captive at the end and gave up his right to be discharged he was telling us that that man's freedom was worth fighting in the war even though he desperately wanted to go home.

Sometimes the hell of war is necessary. Don't let the devil tell you otherwise.

Good movie. 7/10.