zhaychik

[zhaychik]

My dnd boyfriend died last night after a very romantic event happened and now I’m fully grieving an NPC.

[zhaychik]

My DND boy kissed your DND boy now we’re friends forever

[zhaychik]

I passed my license exam

My SO’s parents met mine and it went so well

I finally have time for my hobbies

I went to a bar and enjoyed 4/20 a day early but it just didn’t hit the same after weeks of sobriety

Things are getting better and my hard work is showing :)

[zhaychik]

Stress means bake. I’m making breakfast at 2pm and it’s chocolate chip cookies.

[zhaychik]

Tomorrow I take the license exam I need to start using my degree. I need a good luck post to repost asap. I’m taking valerian tincture like it’s lexapro.

[zhaychik]

Was doing so great for a while. Lots of fun new memories with friends and family. Had to take the New Jersey transit to Penn station (honestly traumatic enough on its own) and then walk to my transfer and take the train home.

I didn’t connect the nausea, sense of dread, and numb tingly face to anxiety for longer than I’d like to admit. I thought maybe something I ate just wasn’t agreeing with me and then I was rushing down 7th avenue with tunnel vision and a key knife clutched in white knuckles.

I couldn’t catch my breath until an hour later when I was getting off at my station and then my boyfriend wouldn’t pick up the phone and it felt like my throat was tight and my face was warm.

I’m tired of being paranoid and anxious. You get assaulted one time and bam whole new brain. Sometimes I mourn the personality I had before all of this. I think I should write more when I’m having a good time, not just when I can’t breathe.

I downloaded a therapy app, drew a bath, poured some wine. I’m calm now, just tired of this. I’m two weeks away from taking an exam that’ll give me the license I need to use my degree. Maybe that’ll help. I’ve been too cooped up and shaky. I need new people, new tasks, new worries. Normal worries. Like “what’s my boss going to do about my off request” and not “I wonder if that man at the end of the train car is going to kill me or if he’s just going home like I am.”

I’ve been considering bringing back old coping mechanisms like drawing. Maybe start a new one like writing poetry. I’ve already started writing (venting) here, it can’t be too different. When I found my old sketchbook it was concerning how what I drew never caught the eye of an adult. They certainly weren’t very abstract in their expression of depression. Maybe my disgust at those old thoughts are a sign of growth. I certainly don’t want to die anymore, I want to take care of this body and bring it back to working order. It’s just got some character to it now.

[zhaychik]

Decided to switch it up and try and be healthier. Working out, getting up early, all the good stuff. I feel great in the mornings and then I just crash and I’m feeling worse than before. Are dopamine crashes a thing? Like without the assistance of drugs. My body just gets hopped up on good hormones for the first time in forever and then decides the rest of the day I’ll sit and try not to cry. I think I’ll probably download a therapy app or something. Not in a good financial spot to be paying for a proper therapist and my insurance is shit.

I’ve been a bit of a recluse sitting in my apartment at my desk all alone until my boyfriend gets home. I keep saying I might go out for a walk or something to get fresh air but I don’t. I think I fooled myself into thinking I’m not depressed anymore. That it was just S.A.D. and that the vitamin D supplements, that I don’t even take anymore, fixed it all. It does go away doesn’t it. It either resolves or you pass away. And I’m not dead yet. Not planning on it any time soon. I have big plans for life and plenty of people that I love and that love me. This isn’t really something I can just talk about though. Which makes it perfect to type up and send out into the universe (tumblr)

I’ll deal with it when I deal with it

[zhaychik]

Feeling like ass. Gonna use this site to rant and journal and everyone on this site that witnesses my ramblings is just an innocent bystander. So my bad, keep scrolling thanks.

[zhaychik]

#i have never been so jealous of a cigarette in my life