zermaidz

[zermaidz]

I never meant to imply anything about you specifically. if you don't feel sexual attraction, then you are asexual. I meant that I would not consider people who DO feel sexual attraction to be asexual. cuz that's literally what the word means, according to what I've read.

I really don't see anyone being expected or encouraged to have sex with people they're not attracted to, other than asexuals and sex workers. I don't see people telling gay or straight people that they can still have sex with the gender they're not attracted to. if people were to say that, most people would think they're crazy or disrespectful. yet this is seen as a reasonable thing to say to asexuals. I can't even see the topic of asexuality mentioned without people doing this.

and no it's not like celibacy. celibacy means people who want to have sex but abstain from it, usually for religious reasons. you can't abstain from something you don't want in the first place.

I'm becoming hyper aware of the fact that there's a group of radfem like exclusionist in the ace community. Like I kinda knew, but I didn't realize quite how bad it is. I understand that's likely because I'm not in and never have been in niche ace forums, so I apologize if I'm ignorant. Anyhow, it seems to be really seeping into the mainstream right now. These exclusionist think that asexuality isn't a spectrum and that only sex repulsed asexuals are real asexuals. I get SWERF vibes, too.

Also, I've noticed a lot of toxicity in general. I've been noticing a lot of sex negativity in online ace spaces, and when folks point out that things being said are toxic the folks pushing sex negative ideology argue that sex favorable aces are being exclusionary of sex repulsed aces, but that's generally not what I've seen happening. Sex repulsed ≠ sex negative. There's nothing wrong with being a sex repulsed asexual but pushing a sex negative ideology is toxic. Sex isn't inherently bad. I know some sex repulsed asexuals have trauma that has manifested in a disordered mindset surrounding sex and I sympathize with that, but that doesn't mean sex negativity should be encouraged and normalized in ace spaces. A while back, I saw a tiktok where a person talked about how an asexual person got a queer sex education class in their campus lgbtq+ center shut down because a sex education class makes the lgbtq+ center exclusionary of asexuals and that just makes my soul hurt. I've seen ace folks saying sexuality shouldn't be celebrated at pride because it alienates asexuals, which is a wild take.

I saw a person on one of the asexual subreddits earlier complaining about how they don't like when people, especially women, wear revealing clothes that display the body. I understand and respect wanting to dress more "conservatively" for lack of a better word. I actually often do. I really like Mori Kei fashion, which is known for being more "conservative" because it involves a more loose flowy silhouette and a lot of layering. I'd say Mori Kei has really inspired the silhouette of how I dress. Anyway, that's a side tangent. I understand wanting to dress more "conservative." I get feeling frustrated with the "womans" clothes on the market, but then to make comments about how you don't want to have to see others wearing revealing clothes feels icky. Like, if you sexualize the clothes women are wearing in public, that's a you problem. It's fine and dandy to have a preference, but this felt like purity culture.

I don't know, I'm frustrated. I'll probably have more thoughts on this later, but my brain hurts. Also, to make it clear, I'm not trying to demonize the ace community. I'm aroace, just hate seeing this kind of stuff I'm describing becoming so normalized.

[zermaidz]

I'm not erasing graysexual and demisexual people. I'm simply saying they are a different sexual orientation from asexuals (for lack of better word. asexual is the only word I know to describe people who never experience sexual attraction. there isn't any other word I know of that we can use) That shouldn't be offensive to say. And I don't wanna have to argue with them about this. I would like them to just leave us alone. If they think sex is a fun bonding experience, and they feel sexually attracted to people sometimes, or sexual attracted to people they fall in love with, good for them but they are definitely not the same sexuality as me, and I don't want to be called the same label as them, because their experiences and preferences are completely different.

To me, the only practical purpose that the word "asexual" serves is to let others know, in a simple and less crude way "I don't find men or women attractive, I don't wanna fuck you, leave me alone, don't send dick/titty pics". Without needing to answer a million questions about why we're like this and if we've seen a therapist or doctor about it. That was probably the original reason why the word asexual was created. Just like the word gay exists to tell people "if you're the opposite sex, I'm not attracted/not interested" But apparently the word asexual now means a million different things, so I guess we need to come up with a new word to get the message across

I'm becoming hyper aware of the fact that there's a group of radfem like exclusionist in the ace community. Like I kinda knew, but I didn't realize quite how bad it is. I understand that's likely because I'm not in and never have been in niche ace forums, so I apologize if I'm ignorant. Anyhow, it seems to be really seeping into the mainstream right now. These exclusionist think that asexuality isn't a spectrum and that only sex repulsed asexuals are real asexuals. I get SWERF vibes, too.

Also, I've noticed a lot of toxicity in general. I've been noticing a lot of sex negativity in online ace spaces, and when folks point out that things being said are toxic the folks pushing sex negative ideology argue that sex favorable aces are being exclusionary of sex repulsed aces, but that's generally not what I've seen happening. Sex repulsed ≠ sex negative. There's nothing wrong with being a sex repulsed asexual but pushing a sex negative ideology is toxic. Sex isn't inherently bad. I know some sex repulsed asexuals have trauma that has manifested in a disordered mindset surrounding sex and I sympathize with that, but that doesn't mean sex negativity should be encouraged and normalized in ace spaces. A while back, I saw a tiktok where a person talked about how an asexual person got a queer sex education class in their campus lgbtq+ center shut down because a sex education class makes the lgbtq+ center exclusionary of asexuals and that just makes my soul hurt. I've seen ace folks saying sexuality shouldn't be celebrated at pride because it alienates asexuals, which is a wild take.

I saw a person on one of the asexual subreddits earlier complaining about how they don't like when people, especially women, wear revealing clothes that display the body. I understand and respect wanting to dress more "conservatively" for lack of a better word. I actually often do. I really like Mori Kei fashion, which is known for being more "conservative" because it involves a more loose flowy silhouette and a lot of layering. I'd say Mori Kei has really inspired the silhouette of how I dress. Anyway, that's a side tangent. I understand wanting to dress more "conservative." I get feeling frustrated with the "womans" clothes on the market, but then to make comments about how you don't want to have to see others wearing revealing clothes feels icky. Like, if you sexualize the clothes women are wearing in public, that's a you problem. It's fine and dandy to have a preference, but this felt like purity culture.

I don't know, I'm frustrated. I'll probably have more thoughts on this later, but my brain hurts. Also, to make it clear, I'm not trying to demonize the ace community. I'm aroace, just hate seeing this kind of stuff I'm describing becoming so normalized.

[zermaidz]

I clearly remember the word asexual being defined as "no sexual attraction or desire". there was no "little to no" in the definition years ago when I read about it. there was another word for people who experience little sexual attraction: graysexual, whereas asexuals are people who never feel sexual attraction. it is important that people who never feel sexual attraction have a word to call themselves with a clear definition. mostly because other people have a hard time understanding us and respecting our boundaries, and we don't need more confusion. sexual attraction means you look at someone and feel desire to have sex with them. it's accurate to say that a person who feels no sexual attraction generally doesn't want to fuck people and doesn't actually enjoy sex like others do. I am telling you this as an asexual myself. without attraction, you literally never feel sexual desire for anyone and you view sex differently from others.

the way that people will argue with asexual people about our own sexuality (or lack of) and write posts all over the internet like "PSA asexuals can still have and enjoy sex" feels like low-key sexual harassment. like they just won't accept that we are different. they want to remove everything that makes an asexual person different and paint us like we're just like everyone else. and they also don't want to respect us or our boundaries when they make posts telling others we can still have sex with people we feel zero attraction towards. most people cannot and do not want to have sex with people they feel no attraction to, not only asexuals. the only difference for us is we feel no sexual attraction towards men, women or anyone. and people clearly expect us to "overcome" this and be in a "normal" sexual relationship like everyone else. I read a lot of stories about asexual people trying to do this and it only causes them stress and ends with a break up or divorce. in some cases it can be very traumatizing for them to force themselves into a relationship they are not compatible with. and I believe it's harmful for people online to keep telling asexuals that we can do relationships like this. and telling the general public that plenty of asexuals are willing do things they don't want to do just to please their partner, which can cause actual harm. this kind of talk can actually lead to spousal rape and abuse.

imagine if people started telling everyone that gay people can still enjoy sex with the opposite sex and be in a marriage or sexual relationship with them, even though they're not sexually attracted to them and feel no desire towards them. and people come into gay forums/spaces and say "well I'm a gay man but I'm happily married to a woman and we have sex every day. it's homophobic and exclusionist to say that gay people can't live just like normal straight people. having sex with women is normal and natural for most men and you need to stop being so sex-with-women-negative"

then they start calling gay men who don't want to have sex with women "women repulsed" and some people are telling them they might have a mental illness or sexual trauma causing them to not want to fuck women.

that's like what people are doing to asexual people. and then you call us bigots for not wanting to tolerate it?

to be clear, people did treat gay people this way in the past (and sometimes still do) but they (rightfully) did not tolerate the bullshit.

I'm becoming hyper aware of the fact that there's a group of radfem like exclusionist in the ace community. Like I kinda knew, but I didn't realize quite how bad it is. I understand that's likely because I'm not in and never have been in niche ace forums, so I apologize if I'm ignorant. Anyhow, it seems to be really seeping into the mainstream right now. These exclusionist think that asexuality isn't a spectrum and that only sex repulsed asexuals are real asexuals. I get SWERF vibes, too.

Also, I've noticed a lot of toxicity in general. I've been noticing a lot of sex negativity in online ace spaces, and when folks point out that things being said are toxic the folks pushing sex negative ideology argue that sex favorable aces are being exclusionary of sex repulsed aces, but that's generally not what I've seen happening. Sex repulsed ≠ sex negative. There's nothing wrong with being a sex repulsed asexual but pushing a sex negative ideology is toxic. Sex isn't inherently bad. I know some sex repulsed asexuals have trauma that has manifested in a disordered mindset surrounding sex and I sympathize with that, but that doesn't mean sex negativity should be encouraged and normalized in ace spaces. A while back, I saw a tiktok where a person talked about how an asexual person got a queer sex education class in their campus lgbtq+ center shut down because a sex education class makes the lgbtq+ center exclusionary of asexuals and that just makes my soul hurt. I've seen ace folks saying sexuality shouldn't be celebrated at pride because it alienates asexuals, which is a wild take.

I saw a person on one of the asexual subreddits earlier complaining about how they don't like when people, especially women, wear revealing clothes that display the body. I understand and respect wanting to dress more "conservatively" for lack of a better word. I actually often do. I really like Mori Kei fashion, which is known for being more "conservative" because it involves a more loose flowy silhouette and a lot of layering. I'd say Mori Kei has really inspired the silhouette of how I dress. Anyway, that's a side tangent. I understand wanting to dress more "conservative." I get feeling frustrated with the "womans" clothes on the market, but then to make comments about how you don't want to have to see others wearing revealing clothes feels icky. Like, if you sexualize the clothes women are wearing in public, that's a you problem. It's fine and dandy to have a preference, but this felt like purity culture.

I don't know, I'm frustrated. I'll probably have more thoughts on this later, but my brain hurts. Also, to make it clear, I'm not trying to demonize the ace community. I'm aroace, just hate seeing this kind of stuff I'm describing becoming so normalized.

[zermaidz]

I think you are misunderstanding the situation in regards to the asexuality spectrum. I think the frustrations asexual people have is that people are commonly confusing "asexual spectrum" with "asexual people", which are two different things. I blame whoever invented these concepts/words and decided to use the word asexual for both things. This caused a lot of arguing and confusion over semantics and the definitions of words. There might be a thing called "asexual spectrum" that includes a few different orientations and experiences, but "asexual" itself is supposed to be an orientation of it's own with a specific meaning. I guess it's on the very end of this "spectrum". It gets annoying when asexuals are confused with other labels, like graysexual or demisexual, and annoyingly told "it's a spectrum" when they're trying to talk about problems/experiences that are uniquely asexual. This makes it feel like their sexuality (or lack of) is being erased or replaced with the experiences of other orientations.

I'm becoming hyper aware of the fact that there's a group of radfem like exclusionist in the ace community. Like I kinda knew, but I didn't realize quite how bad it is. I understand that's likely because I'm not in and never have been in niche ace forums, so I apologize if I'm ignorant. Anyhow, it seems to be really seeping into the mainstream right now. These exclusionist think that asexuality isn't a spectrum and that only sex repulsed asexuals are real asexuals. I get SWERF vibes, too.

Also, I've noticed a lot of toxicity in general. I've been noticing a lot of sex negativity in online ace spaces, and when folks point out that things being said are toxic the folks pushing sex negative ideology argue that sex favorable aces are being exclusionary of sex repulsed aces, but that's generally not what I've seen happening. Sex repulsed ≠ sex negative. There's nothing wrong with being a sex repulsed asexual but pushing a sex negative ideology is toxic. Sex isn't inherently bad. I know some sex repulsed asexuals have trauma that has manifested in a disordered mindset surrounding sex and I sympathize with that, but that doesn't mean sex negativity should be encouraged and normalized in ace spaces. A while back, I saw a tiktok where a person talked about how an asexual person got a queer sex education class in their campus lgbtq+ center shut down because a sex education class makes the lgbtq+ center exclusionary of asexuals and that just makes my soul hurt. I've seen ace folks saying sexuality shouldn't be celebrated at pride because it alienates asexuals, which is a wild take.

I saw a person on one of the asexual subreddits earlier complaining about how they don't like when people, especially women, wear revealing clothes that display the body. I understand and respect wanting to dress more "conservatively" for lack of a better word. I actually often do. I really like Mori Kei fashion, which is known for being more "conservative" because it involves a more loose flowy silhouette and a lot of layering. I'd say Mori Kei has really inspired the silhouette of how I dress. Anyway, that's a side tangent. I understand wanting to dress more "conservative." I get feeling frustrated with the "womans" clothes on the market, but then to make comments about how you don't want to have to see others wearing revealing clothes feels icky. Like, if you sexualize the clothes women are wearing in public, that's a you problem. It's fine and dandy to have a preference, but this felt like purity culture.

I don't know, I'm frustrated. I'll probably have more thoughts on this later, but my brain hurts. Also, to make it clear, I'm not trying to demonize the ace community. I'm aroace, just hate seeing this kind of stuff I'm describing becoming so normalized.

[zermaidz]

and also, you can't participate in the dating world because you're not into minions and everyone thinks liking minions is a completely necessary aspect of relationships and part of human nature. most potential dating partners would expect you to watch a Despicable Me movie at least once a week if not more, even though you hate the movie. if you ever want to be married you would have keep watching the movie with them regularly for your entire life so they're happy or else divorce is on the table. you hate the movie so much that you can't endure that so you just have to be single and sadly watch everyone else get married. the only other option is to find a dating website for people who aren't into minions. and there's only a small handful of people on there and they don't live anywhere near you.

The best way I can describe to an allo person how you feel about sex as a topic as a sex-repulsed or averse asexual is that it feels like a hype that never ends. As though Despicable Me came out and everyone around you was sending minion facebook memes to each other for years to come. The stores are full of minion themed products; they're in ads and your friends talk about them all the time. And deep in your heart you're like "I'm glad that they're able to enjoy something I personally don't like and am not interested in :3". But there is always this little voice in the back of your head that's like "If I have to see ONE MORE of these little yellow FUCKERS today then God help us all." You make an active choice to communicate only the former.