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zarrytis · 3 years ago

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buddie recs 💖

- tell me about dispair. 148k.

eddie's not entirely sure he believes in getting help, at least not for himself. there's only so much healing to be had for a body torn apart by bullets, for a mind that's only half there, for a man who's been leaving pieces of himself behind all his life with nothing to take their place.

except, as it turns out, falling apart happens in increments, and healing does, too: it happens when you gnaw a hole in your lip trying to keep quiet only to have the words escape; when you realize that the ghost you've been seeing out of the corner of your eye is yourself; when your best friend smiles, and you allow it to take your breath away.

it happens through the smallest of things: bird feeders, and cacti, and pasta shapes.

meanwhile, the world goes on.

(or: the entity often affectionately referred to as the unrepression fic.)

- I Hit the Accelerator (But the Car was in Reverse). 68k.

When Buck is forced to confront the truth about his breakup with Abby, having casual sex with his hot new coworker seems like the best rebound idea.

Unfortunately, that hot new coworker turns into his best friend. But best friends can keep having sex with each other, right?

There's no way this could possibly go wrong.

- ripples all the way down. 57k.

With some coercion, Buck allows Maddie to set him up on a date. Surprisingly, the date goes well — and it keeps his mind off the unnamable feelings he’s been studiously ignoring for his best friend.

Until Christopher’s science report on gentoo penguins — no, seriously — sets off a series of events that has him somehow spending more time at the Diazes’ side, and he feels like he’s going just a little bit insane trying to juggle a burgeoning relationship, his jealousy over Eddie’s own new relationship with Ana, and his inability to move on from the place that’s been his for three years in the Diazes’ lives.

Oh, and Eddie keeps looking at him like he has something to say — except he never says it.

This is the tumultuous road to finding out what Buck truly wants, paved by pebbles.

or; christopher partakes in some parent trapping

- my evergreen. 31k.

Buck and Eddie get together, move in together, and then adopt a child together.

Actually – scratch that.

A child adopts Buck and Eddie, they move in together, and finally, finally they get it together.

imagine those seagulls from that scene in Finding Nemo screaming "girldad buddie! girldad buddie! girldad buddie!"

- Half Awake In Our Fake Empire. 33k.

In which the past catches up in unexpected ways, the universe finds a new voice to scream with, and an LA rain storm changes everything.

Buck 1.0 fathered a child and Buck 4.0 comes into custody.

- it’ll take a while, but we will find a way back to each other. series.

part I: 41k.

Maybe he can do this. Maybe he can move on. And why shouldn’t he? He deserves happiness too. At least that’s what Maddie told him.

And while he’d love nothing more than to find that happiness with Eddie and Christopher, to live the rest of his life openly loving and caring for the Diazes the way he wants to, life isn’t a fairytale. People don’t get what they want. But they still manage.

They still find something. Someone. And maybe, for Buck, that someone could be Rick.

or, Buck tries to move on from Eddie after his relationship with Ana doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon. Eddie, on the other hand, realizes that his newfound relationship isn't what he wants, and it takes him embarrasingly long time to realize that he can pretend for only so long. After a major accident, both of them are forced to face the facts and what they really mean to each other. The firefam is just trying to be supportive of their decisions.

part II: 43k.

He regrets letting Buck go on that date.

Eddie regrets a lot of things.

He had thousands of little chances to voice his feelings. The big “I love you” moment burned his tongue when Buck was trapped in that factory, screaming while his world fell apart, giving his all to save Saleh.

He could’ve wrapped his arms around Buck’s shoulders and pulled him down into a bruising kiss after Buck tried to convince Eddie he’s no good for Christopher — that he lost him instead of rescuing him in the tsunami.

But he didn’t do any of those things. He waited instead. Waited for Buck to make the final move, to be hot-headed as he is and say fuck it to the universe.

He waited, and still waits, and he will wait. Even if Buck doesn’t feel the same. Even if he falls in love with someone else. Eddie will wait.

Or, the aftermath of Buck's breakup is messy, complicated, and an opportunity for Buck and Eddie to realize they are being blind and stupid for no reason other than to stay miserable and afraid of tearing their friendship apart.

- i have had to deal with that. 9k.

Because here is the crux of it, as always. He’s loving so much it is hurting him. He aches inside, so bad and so large it is so fucking unbearable.

Because he doesn’t want to just sleep with Eddie Diaz. He wants to cradle Eddie Diaz in his arms, right up to his chest, and press kisses all up in the creases of his neck and the crook of his ear and his hairline and the top of his hair.

He wants to squeeze Eddie’s body so hard he can feel the bones below him tremble, and then he wants to kiss him all over, and whisper love of my life, love of my life, love of my life in between each of them.

Five Times Buck holds back, and One Time he can’t.

- let’s hear it for the boys. 56k.

“I'm gay.”

He's looking at his feet, because he hasn't quite come to terms with the fact that he's saying this in a room where other people, strangers, can hear it.

But this is still the first time he's said it this way: out loud, in a declarative sentence. Being nervous is fine. Frank said that being nervous is fine, and Buck just said he's proud, and the only thought Eddie has in his head is that it's embarrassing he can't raise his head and say it like a man, so clearly, he's going to need to hang on to other people's words for the time being, someone who isn't his dad trying to explain the ways Eddie's allowed to inhabit the world.

He doesn't need to ask anyone's permission to be who he is. That's also a thing Frank said.

in which eddie attends a self-empowerment group for gbtq men to supplement his therapy, and is empowered to: forgive himself, say "i'm gay" to his own reflection in the mirror, accidentally adopt an adult, make fried rice, and tell his straight best friend that he's in love with him. not necessarily in that order.

- a leaf falls on loneliness. 11k.

Buck doesn’t think that if he were to say, “I’m in a bad place”, that anyone would turn him away. Really, he doesn’t. The 118 has too many good, kind people for that.

But every time he wants to open his mouth, to say something, to reach out to Eddie or Bobby or Hen or Chim, he hears Eddie yelling, “you’re exhausting.”

—you’re exhausting, you’re exhausting, you’re exhausting—

So each day he does his job and he laughs and he jokes and he pretends he’s the care-free goofball he’s always been. And each day he packs away his bruises and his worries, takes them home to his empty loft with its quiet rooms, and licks his wounds in silence.

- don't let the tide come and wash us away. 23k.

Buck develops a relationship with the ocean, avoids talking about the day Eddie was shot, realizes he might be in love, and drives.

Order may vary.

(a fic for the "Buck is going to break all the way down in season 6" truthers)

- maybe love won't let you down. 15k.

Buck tells Eddie he’s in love with him. Eddie pines.

or, five times eddie watches buck leave, and the one time he goes after him

- if I could see you (once more, to see you). 21k.

All of these have been dreams—they have to have been.

“Why would it be a dream?” Eddie mumbles back.

“You don’t—I don’t think you love me like this in real life.”

“Buck.” Eddie turns to lie back down. The blaze of the fire makes his soft hair look fine and his brown eyes moony. “I love you everywhere like this.”

Or, in the aftermath of a building collapse, Eddie mourns. Buck dreams.

- blue skies. 36k.

“Most babies are born as accidents,” She says suddenly, like she’s decided that Buck has passed, that she can trust him with this.

Buck doesn’t really have an answer because that question hits way to fucking close to home. A year or so ago he would have said, yes, I was an accident, so I know how that goes, but Buck knows better now. Knows that he would almost give anything for that answer to still be yes. Evie’s finger works under the seal to rip it open, a stack of important looking papers dumping out onto the table in front of her.

“Not me,” she says without looking up as she organizes them into a neat stack, “I was engineered.”

And.

And Buck’s pretty fucking sure a giant, cataclysmic hole has ripped right open, dragging him down to the earth’s core where he vaporizes into dust.

{or Buck meets another savior baby and everything comes crashing down}

- i don’t swim and you’re not in love. 32k.

She turns to Eddie and says something else, but Buck is busy fighting the headrush he gets at the sound of Ana Flores calling Eddie and Christopher 'the boys'. Like they belong to her already.

God, what’s wrong with him? What is this?

or, eddie cooks, chris domesticates a slug, and buck tries to figure out why he hates his best friend's girlfriend. to everyone's immense shock and surprise, it goes badly.

- counteroffer. 25k

There’s a flicker of something across Buck’s face, but he quickly goes back to grinning. “You just want me at your beck and call.”

“Maybe I do.” Eddie shrugs. “You owe it to me.”

Buck sighs, as if put out, but Eddie can see the glimmer of amusement in his eyes. “Okay, then what's it gonna be?”

Eddie hums thoughtfully. He takes his time trying to think of something good. “What about-” he starts.

And that’s the moment Buck licks his lips and Eddie’s eyes dip down to them. And before he knows what comes over him, before he can think the words through, they’re out of his mouth.

“A kiss,” he says.

Buck blinks at him. Eddie blinks back.

“You want a kiss,” Buck repeats, eyebrows rising.

***

Or in order for Buck to make it up to Eddie, Eddie suggests that Buck gives him one hundred kisses.

to be continued…

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