zari-0115

[zari-0115]

Love Drought…pt 2

I turn my head slightly so he can kiss my lips instead of my cheek.. I pull my face away inches apart: “baby you need your nutrients before we go again. I made your favorite.” He nods and sits down waiting for me to fix his plate.

So like muscle memory I began to place food neatly on a glass plate and pour some homemade lemonade into a glass cup and carry it both to the table. After placing it in front of him, Myles grabbed me and pulled me down to where I’m sitting on his lap.

We share his plate as a weird form of intimacy. I like to think of it that way but a small sneaky part of me thinks he lets me eat off of the same plate as him solely because he thinks I’ll poison him because he knows the way he treats me is wrong and I’m too stupid to leave.

I’m stupid in love, stupidly drowning in lust and wonder before I can just let go. So he is going to have to hate me until I stop loving him.

“Dinner is good baby” he says rubbing my thigh sensually. I smile before replying: “I know what my man needs.” Instead of feeding into my witty reply he scoffs. That muthafucka actually scoffed. I swallow my embarrassment hard and just stare down on the floor not knowing if I should get up from his lap or just stay there frozen.

Myles’s phones begins to vibrate shaking our round glass table. It’s face down, he reaches over the food and grabs it… quickly before I can see who it is. “Nat get up for a sec” he said trying to leave the table. So I listen he heads towards our bed room and as the lap dog I am I follow him when I reach the room he shuts the door in my face. No he didn’t shut the door he slammed it.

[zari-0115]

Love Drought

Disclaimer: toxic relationship, these are black characters, graphic smut, and violent language

I stand in the window and watch the rain fall from the sky like God was crying over us. My sister was pacing back and forth going on and on about God knows what. The rain is drowning out her voice. I keep thinking about what he said to me over and over again it’s a terrible flashback: “I never wanted you, Natalia you’re nothing and you will never be anything.” Myles says to me looking at me with utter disgust. But I love him and I don’t want to let go. He is everything to me. Six years of my life have been dedicated to loving him and being there for him. Dedicated to being his verbal punching bag.

I yearn for him but instead in an attempt to stand my ground, I’m sitting in my sister’s living room not listening to her and watching the clouds cry. My phone lights up it’s a text from him: “I didn’t mean it baby, come back I love you. You know I will never do you like that.” My eyes begin to water. he’s singing the same old song he’s been singing. I fall for it every time.

“Nat are you even listening, do you realize what it’s like-” Ophelia stops talking or I shut her up I do not recall which. Because my phone rang, Myles called me as if his text wasn’t enough. “Yo Natalia did you get my text? I love you and I miss you. I’m outside of your sister’s place and I need you to come home.” I am inaudible for a second and before I could say anything I catch a glimpse of my sister out the corner of my eye shaking her head at me in mere disappointment mixed with a bit of disgust. I know she hates this for me but outside of her Myles is all I have.

I walk outside with my duffle bag in one hand and my Marc Jacobs tote on my shoulder. I reach the car and catch a glimpse of Myles. My Myles, his locs are dangling over those evil brown irises. He flashes his beautiful sharp smile at me as I enter the car. As we sit in silence I feel my heart sink to my ass. I know what’s going to happen when we reach our apartment, we are about to have the most rough gut-wrenching makeup sex, where it feels like I am apologizing more than he is.

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Like clockwork, we bust through the door practically tearing each other apart. We are fucking animals. I rip his hoodie off of him, he’s forcing my pants down. We run into the wall... There goes our pictures from Valentine's Day: The frames hit the ground and the glass shatters under my feet. Myles scoops me up by my ass and carries me to our room. He throws me onto our bed and climbs on top of me he ignores his drawer of condoms because of the rules of makeup sex: nothing is off limits as long as the safe word has been established.

He slips himself in me, a gasp escapes my lips. I shiver at his touch. This moment right here is exactly why I stayed. I think to myself as he continues to move in and out of me while also sucking one of my nipples and caressing the other. He stops and then begins to kiss me and he whispers in my ear, “I want you to ride me baby” his whispers send a chill down my back, and I nod and he flips me over without taking himself out of me. I looked down at him and I begin to ride him like my life depended on it, I could feel him pulsing under me but I don’t stop. He squeezes his eyes closed, I take charge and between each huff and puff I manage to say: “Keep your eyes open handsome.” He loves it when I stroke his ego. I feel myself about to finish and I know he’s about to explode but before he releases he flips me over and takes himself out of me and immediately starts licking my clit aggressively causing me to release all over his tongue, he keeps going to clean me up I pull on his locs because I never want to let him up for air but I need to give him his release. As if he could read my mind, Myles, pushed himself in me and began thrusting again and again until finally, he erupted like a volcano.

I get up and head towards the shower to wash off all of our fluids. I slide the glass door of the shower but not before I catch a glimpse of what I look like. My dark face is covered in shame and my body stinks of failure.

I take my time in the shower then I make my way back into the room and I see Myles laying there… lifeless almost. I fell in love all over again just watching him peacefully sleep after we made love to each other… made love? No after we just fucked the absolute shit out of each other. I decide to go check up front to see the damage of our animal-like instincts.

I carefully tip-toed over the glass shards before picking them up. I look at our pictures and somehow a tear escapes my eye, Valentine’s Day last year we had gone a full month without fighting but still, I was never enough. We had hosted a couples party so we wouldn’t have to speak to each other and he wouldn’t have to get me a gift.

I pick up my pants and his hoodie off the floor. After placing the glass in the trash and our clothes in the dirty Bin. I make my way to the kitchen to prepare dinner. The rain finally stopped. So it was now my turn to cry. As I cut my veggies I begin to cry over and over again.

There has to be more to life than living in a loveless relationship. Where we never talk out our problems after a fight we just have sex. A man approached me at work today and I decided to be a good girlfriend and let him know… my mistake.

After all the sex I always remember what came before. How I will never be good enough to leave. Myles is mine and I am his.

I whip up a batch of roasted vegetables paired with caramelized salmon. As if Myles’s body clock was only centered around food and good pussy he awakes and makes his way to the kitchen. I don’t acknowledge his presence at first because I don’t know what type of mood he’s in.

However my curiosity was soon realized because he grabs me by my waist and pulls me close to him and kisses my neck and whispers in my ear: “let’s skip the food and go another round… I’m not done saying sorry yet.”