zaidamer

[zaidamer]

Day 1: Average

The other day one of my friends posted this thing on Instagram about the inevitable passage of time and how no matter how hard we try our brains just wont be able to remember everything. And honestly that sounds really fricken annoying, I like remembering things, I like knowing. I’ve said this a fair bit of times but if I had one word to describe me it would be curious. So I’ve been looking into a variety of methods to catalogue my thoughts day and life. I thought it be pretty interesting to look back and see how I’ve developed, but to also have a “thing” to share if someone I’m close to ends up asking about my life. I’m not sure how open I plan on being here, as there’s always the possibility of being recognized but the idea of authenticity has been scratching the forefront of my brain for at least a week now. Being self-reflective I suck at authenticity, and while I try a lot harder now than I did before, lying and hyperbole are two innate truths that seem inevitable. However here, I promise to not tell a single lie, for two main reasons. 1) Now knowing this, and having this standard set in place I can rely on it as an accurate source of events/memories that haven't been corroded through the passage of time. And 2) In case of my death or illness, what is the point of lying then. Usually I lie for something, for a reason or because I believe it to be the best alternative possible. As dynamic as life is there will be moments where all previous convictions and beliefs will be challenged, and purpose will be nothing but a faint question. There will be times I question my entire life and I want this to while being nothing else; an honest recount of it. Anyway this has pretty much developed into a long ass monologue, and the day hasn't even really started yet. I’m currently procrastinating working on things, however a couple projects I have open right now are my six month anniversary present for my girlfriend, my workplace email (working from home and capitalism is honestly a scam), and the anime I’m currently watching (Episode 120 of Hunter x Hunter).

Its now 11:41 am and a couple of interesting things have happened. I got a new assignment from work, it could be titled PR 101, because I’m pretty much learning how to do research. Not the most traditionally interesting topic, but it’s a field I’ve never explored so I am interested in learning something new. And the anime just continues to get better.

I often struggle with feeling like I’ve stagnated as a person. I can understand all the things I should be doing, and the kind of life I want to live, however I don’t actually do any of it. And not only do I not do any of it there’s no genuine regret, or desire to change. I want to want to change, I want to want to do the things I’m doing, I understand how privileged I am but still, it feels like doing anything is just passing time before death. I’m aware of the arguments against it and even the nihilistic approach to if it doesn't matter then you can create your own meaning, but inside I can’t see myself listening to anything. Apathy is the forefront of it all. Anyway sorry that was so depressing, moving forward it is now around mid-day. I am currently in a meeting where I should be paying attention, learning about how to search within this publication and news database, but I’m distracted with this, my thoughts and a fight with my girlfriend. Love is confusing and hard, and honestly I feel like I constantly suck at it. I’m trying to get better though and hopefully things go well I really like this girl. Wow we stay being depressing, anyway its now 5:20 and I’m going to go make something to eat, I’m not sure what yet. I started working on compiling a list for work and honestly thats been harder than I expected, the tool isn't as accurate and advertised and its got a lot of old records. The anime is still banging.

Wow its actually the next day and honestly I have little desire to finish this. So, life happened I went to bed. The end of day 1