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okay. which of you motherfuckers taught my vile little homunculus how to put on eyeliner

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americans: pssshh you think 80°F is hot???? i'm from big texas this is nothing kid, i might put a coat on actually

europeans: wdym 10°C is cold???? this is shorts weather bro, when you start pissing crystals then we'll talk

unattended raspberries: i went moldy while you were reading this

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If you had an identical twin that you get along with, you could probably have a lot of fun by getting to know other sets of identical twins and then pulling pranks with them.

Like seeing two people who look exactly the same close proximity to each other? Yeah that's totally twins. But imagine being in an art gallery where there's a group of five people on the 1st floor, and you go up the stairs and ???? the exact same group of five people is also there?? And you didn't see them pass you at the stairs?

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the level of censorship around this man is ridiculous, what happened to free speech? It’s just his name.

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i use the terms alas and i fear far too much i fear. but alas

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hey, I was just at "things got better" island and everyone there is talking about how excited they are to meet you

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Hey by the way next time that some normal person is murdered and the cops "aren't able to find out who did it" remember that they've spent over a week and unfathomable resources relentlessly conducting a nation-wide search for someone who murdered a CEO, and it APPEARS that they've got him (IF it's even him) --- so next time they tell you that they Just Don't Know Who Killed That Civilian And They Can't Find Out, And Don't Have The Resources To Try Harder, know that it's total and absolute bullshit. It's just that a regular civilian is less important than a CEO. Finding the guy who murdered a vicious parasite is more important in maintaining the status quo than finding someone who murdered your loved one, or that person you know, or the guy who runs the corner store, or the stranger who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

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love to purchase items but at what cost

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ppl talk about how left from reality airports are but i rly think public free wifi and the smart phone majority has done a lot to tame the airport. one time in 2013 I had an 8 hour layover in Philly with like 15 other people and I only packed one book which I finished way too early and I had no wifi money but then one of the other ppl revealed he had an entire projector in his carryon and he set the whole thing up and projected movies onto the ceiling and we all lied on the floor for like 6 hours watching whatever the hell he happened to have which was largely inappropriate to project on a public ceiling but what are ya gonna do it’s the 2013 airport

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so my sister's dog is named communist gun, but we call him red. right? and every once in a while when she wants him to jump on someone she goes "red scare!" and recently ive been trying to get him to jump on people when i go "mccarthyism!" but it's not working yet

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so I'm finally listening to Batman: The Audio Adventures and...

(at the Iceberg Lounge) Penguin: GET OUT OF MY WAY WAAA WAA WAA (Penguin storms off) (Miss Tuesday, Riddler's assistant, recording a message) Miss Tuesday: ... Anyway, sorry Eddie, you're so right, Penguin is agro. What was I sayin'? Oh, yeah, the "special ice" is delivered or whatever. I didn't have any problems scoring it from Scarecrow gang either. Autumn says this one's free, then the next one's gonna cost us. Oh! And Autumn says Scarecrow says hi. I think you should call him, Ed. You don't have any friends and it's sad, like... Get some friends and stop reading riddle books or whatever. Eddie, it's like so easy to just not be weird. Ok, what else... Uhm, that's it. Tuesday out.

EXCUSE ME??? This is like the first time Scarecrow is mentioned in the podcast, and it's because Edward needs something from him. I bet that special ice is frozen fear toxin or something.

Also, he gets the first batch for free?? Hello??? Jon was like omg my pookie needs something from me, ofc he'll get the first one for free uwu.

AND SCARECROW SAYS HI???? SO CUTE??????

And Tuesday says Ed should call him, like brotherrrr. I imagine they get together, Jon's over at Eddie's all the time and they're gaying up the place.

Miss Tuesday is like: "Ughhh you guys are so disgustingly lovey dovey, it's so cringe."

Then Ed's gonna lift his head from a sleeping Jon's neck: "YOU were the one who suggested I need friends!"

Tuesday: "FRIENDS not A BOYFRIEND!"

Ed: "Egh potayto, potahto."

Jon, half-asleep, mumbling with a very rumbly voice: "mmh... so loud..."

Ed, speaking much quieter and softer: "I'm sorry, pumpkin🥺💕"

Then Ed smooches Jon back to sleep while Miss Tuesday makes a vomiting gesture and leaves the room.

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This woman was arrested for WORDS.

We should rally for her as much as the guy who actually shot someone. Push back.

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Alfred ‘let me train an 8 yr old in combat instead of therapy’ pennyworth: ….

Bruce ‘never stopped being the child in the alleyway’ Wayne: hnnn

8yro Dick Grayson who despite trauma and anger issues, Has very good emotional intelligence: … so is the next 10 years of my life gonna be a one way conversation

Alfred: ….

Bruce: hnnn

DG: god I’m gonna have to give you peopling lessons aren’t I?

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How I picture Brucie Wayne’s birth in the battinson universe.

8yr old Dick Grayson: so B I gotta ask

Battinson: hn

8yr old newly Robin Dick Grayson: do you really think that people don’t suspect the crazy Rich secluded billionaire who disappeared for years to be Batman and then takes in a child only for ‘I’m vengeance’ to appear with a child at the same time.

Battinson: hnnn

DG: nonono like no offense but like don’t you think it’s a little …obvious… like marvel movies exist..

Battinson: hnnn what do you propose I do then?

DG: duh you gotta make sure it’s impossible for you to be Batman

Battinson: hmm so I should plan an event where we are both spot-

DG: get drunk and swim in a fountain

Battinson: ???

DG: if Bruce Wayne is dumb he can’t be Batman

Battinson: Bruce Wayne is the head of one the most successful companies in the worl-

DG nodding along: yep all thanks to the amazing help he hired to do the work for him while he search for the cure to polio in the Sahara desert

Battinson: the polio vaccine already exists Dick

DG hand placed on forehead like a fainting damsel: oh it’s so sad about poor Brucie you know, dumb as a rock that one. Didn’t get an ounce of his parents intelligence thank god he got lucky enough that the people he surrounds himself with are loyal to his parents and aren’t stealing money from him.

Battinson: Robin I’m really not followi-

DG rolling his eyes and grabbing B’s face: I’m telling you to play himbo with heart of gold. If people think you’re sweet and pathetic, they’ll (A) underestimate you (B) not question why you disappear for months (C) pathetic good looking idiots get sympathy points.

Battinson: and how would you know this

DG who got adopted by a billionaire who won’t say no to anything he says bc puppy dog eyes: …….

Battinson: …fair point

DG: worlds greatest Detective he says

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there r real teens out there who think discovering nirvana is a special achievement