yourlittlebugger

[yourlittlebugger]

Fk nose bleed. Just endure a bit more. The assignment going to be completed.

[yourlittlebugger]

I wonder how Aschel is doing right now. I hope everything is fine.

[yourlittlebugger]

Anger

I need to rant this out before I complete my final laps of 2636 data validation by today. I can feel my blood boiling. For once, I felt anger.

I knew this friend from Heymandi. I sincerely thought he has the potential to become bestie friends. But lol. Disappointment af. U may think that having no criteria or filter for a friend will allow u to receive the same treatment but oh boy, he just prove me wrong.

'Cause u still dun wan to look for the truth. U need to know the facts, not altered truth. I'm sorry to say this my friend. A man's no. 1 in his heart for a true Muslim is always his god. Tats why having a religion is important. Cause it's the way of life.'

Bro, when u wanted to commit suicide, who was the one that stopped u? Listen to u and convince u that life is worth living for despite the difficulties. But now u are saying u need to fix and convert me. Lol. Why didn't ur god stop u when u wanted to suicide ah? Who was the one who stopped u?

'But why just think about life and never think about a life after death?'

Bro, if u really thought about life after death and believe in it, u wld'nt wanna commit suicide. Not even entertain the thoughts of it. Unless u just want the attention on u.

'So you mean u would rather happy for at most 80 years of life and suffer for eternity?'

Yes. I told u that I would rather treasure my time and what is within my control with my love ones. Coz it is a reality world I live in. Afterlife is ambiguous. Even if there is afterlife and I suffer. I'm up for it. I won't regret coz I already spend my best years n time creating beautiful memories with those I love. BUT LOL. U said I need a lot of work to learn the truth. Fk u. Literally.

'A life that will answer ur question. Would u live a life full lies or truth?' If a fking lazy to study guy knows about it. I'm pretty sure a smart lady like u will find it easy.'

Literally fk u bro. What I'm hearing from u is that if the person does not share the same thoughts as u, they are living in lies and u want to fix them. Bro, pls pull up ur socks n get ur priority right. Everybody has the right to their own perspectives. U said ppl judge u for ur look, ur 168kg weight, ur race when u wanted to know them from the conversion. U said communication shut down. U said I was not judgemental. Then why the hell are u judging me? Lol. I feel like being used. I put in effort to sincerely build a friendship. But end up, lol. Ur friend judge u coz u guys share different religions.

Then u better fking stop saying u are not racist or open. Coz u are not. If u want ppl to share the same thoughts as u, to be ur friend and even a potential partners. Then u shld use the Muslim dating app. Stop combining that ppl are rejecting u coz u are Malay when u urself is subconsciously trying to find one.

----

I'm not gg to care if he commit suicide or not. The damage and hurt is done to my feeling. I give my all to help him but tats all I receive. The damage.

Sam and Xavier says I'm a healer but I can't give my kindness to everybody. Wah. They are damn right bros. Who's gg to heal my wounds? Nobody.

Coz like Xavier says. People will only take and not give. They don't appreciate. Once they see that they are unable to take anymore from you, they move on. It's a reality. They trample on my sincerity, my kindness. They make my kindness; cheap and worthless

Lol. Stop being kind to people Gwen.

[yourlittlebugger]

Kindness

People is taking my kindness for granted.

U helped them. They want more.

U gave chances but there isn't an appreciation.

I'm a human, people. Not a Bot.

[yourlittlebugger]

Fk that lizard. Fk up lizard.

Just when I thought I can be independent. I can take care of myself, ready for single hood. Just when I thought I can accept my fate that I need no one and can rely on myself.

Fk that lizard has to climb on my legs. I froze literally. Had to call my mum for help. The one that will at times call me useless.

Why can't u just be useful Gwen? It just a lizard.

I'm sobbing like a kid. The lizard taught me a hard lesson. A realization.

It's better to be gone than live like this.

[yourlittlebugger]

hmm.... It's a different feeling to drink bubble tea alone.

[yourlittlebugger]

Normalize. Not

I thought I'm okay.

I thought I be okay.

But the tears keep coming.

Now I truly understand,

What does smiling behind the mask feel.

- 8 Apr 2022 -

[yourlittlebugger]

Glimpse.

Caught a glimpse of you.

Caught myself smiling from that.

I wanted to shout and run over

To be in your arms.

But I stopped in my track.

'I started socialising.'

The words replayed in my mind.

Even though it was awkward,

U took a step. Make plans to meet up with her.

I guess I'm not a priority anymore.

I cried during work. Auntie thought it was coz of my surveyor job but nope. My heart broken. It seem impossible to share my worries. My periods.

I need to stay strong for her.

~24 march 2022~

[yourlittlebugger]

I don't feel good.

My stomach hurts.

I'm dying inside.

----

maybe I'm the one.

the failure.

[yourlittlebugger]

#3 Solo Entry + Reflections

Do I still miss him? 

Yes, I do. 

I miss him lots. Not any less.

They said as the days past, u miss him lesser. 

Not me. 

I still miss him lots, 

even though I push myself everyday,

to achieve little goals. 

To distract myself. 

The little goals and experiences,

completes me. 

It may fills up the void in me. 

But him, 

he doesn’t just fill it up. 

He makes my life wholesome. 

I miss his presence, I miss his scent

I miss his smile, I miss his hugs

#soloactivities

This is my first time I’m writing an entry 

On my goals, to do. 

#tryingsomethingnewdaily

Maybe writing it out, 

Will make me feel better. 

Eventually. I hope.

I still think about him. Not any lesser. 

17317071

~22 Mar 2022

[yourlittlebugger]

Today

I spent my day like my last.

The feeling was awesome.

[yourlittlebugger]

I'm exhausted. Why won't the tears stop?

[yourlittlebugger]

It's nice to be in first place.

[yourlittlebugger]

Just one less person in this world,

If Convid 19 hits you.

Coz in their eyes... The others.

You're not the same as them.

Unorthodox. Strange. Weirdo.

---

You seek your love validation.

Signs of disapproval,

Taunting at their statements.

Yet, the truth was far from what you seek.

----

Even though deep within you.

Are dying without the Convid.

---

Maybe your feelings aren't invincible as you think.

---

[yourlittlebugger]

I CANT SLEEP. TOO MUCH TEA.

Help me.

[yourlittlebugger]

Walking away. Walk alone, my soul.

To the world, that sees You in the light.

[yourlittlebugger]

I don't know why. I miss your scent.

Perhaps I didn't get to hug you that much today.

I wanna sleep in your hug.

I'm a grown woman, independent.

Yet, I yearns little things like... a hug from you.