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your-antithetical-dreamgirl · 1 year ago

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I just watched She Said

I feel like it reignited my anger toward manipulative men. It seems that I became so much more ambivalent about sexism over the past few years. I always spoke against it and considered myself a feminist and acted as though I knew the deal. But the reality is that my passion about the issues did fade over the years while I was in a relationship with a man. I felt myself get a little smaller, a little quieter, a little less alert. Was I actually relaxed and comfortable? Or was I being lulled to sleep in a haze of patriarchal approval and validation? Are those two things the same? If you choose to go against the grain in this system, do you ever get to truly feel comfortable? But maybe the comfort is always a sign of not having a lot of autonomy, and that we, as women, shouldn't even aspire to be comfortable in the first place, but to be free instead.

It also made me feel really overwhelmed by the whole system of our society under patriarchy. Sometimes I wonder why we all spend so much of our time worrying about the minor details of everything. Does everything really always have to be so nuanced? Or does the system in power throw nuance into the mix as a distraction? Because it seems to have the effect of men being allowed to get away with anything they want while women can't do anything about it because everyone gets so caught up with arguing over the granular details.

Why do we always have to question whether someone was manipulated or coerced or victimized in this very specific way that can be punishable only if these certain very specific circumstances are in place and if you don't have this very specific proof then nothing can be done and you will probably actually be even worse off for bringing it up in the first place.

Is this not an act of terrorism in itself? Is this the modern version of witch trials? Not every woman had to be burned at the stake—they only had to burn a few "witches" in order to make a point. To scare women by letting them know what the consequences are for them if they ever dare to step out of line.

What system do women have that has anywhere near this level of power over men? They probably say that all these laws must be in place in order to protect men from ever being falsely accused of sexual assault or harassment. But if they have the power to ensure this never happens, then can women also take steps to empower their side in any way? The answer is no, because men have such a stranglehold on the justice system and they would never allow that to happen because they can't stand the mere possibility of ever relinquishing even the tiniest bit of control to women.

So women are left powerless against these systems and have to fight tooth and nail if they want to be heard. And men in power make it so deliberately difficult. And as much as we want to revere the women who are brave enough to go through it and to tell their stories—is there a chance that the increased presence and visibility of these stories could have the effect of simply scaring more women by seeing how hard it is to go through things like speaking out against abuse? So if they experience it, they'll just think to themselves, "gosh reporting this seems like way too much for one person to go through and the people in the stories seem to have so much more support and resources and fame than I do, so how would a regular person like me even stand a chance?" and then they choose to not speak out about these things. I don't know, it just feels a lot to me like a modern form of psychological terrorism with the intent of keeping women enslaved.

I had the thought that maybe watching films like She Said are helpful because it actually brings back my memories of the years with [redacted] so much more vividly. I think I've fallen into a routine where I've been feeling more empathetic, more kind, trying to humanize him a little more and work on forgiveness for my own sake, but hearing some of the recordings in that movie of Harvey Weinstein talking to the reporters and to his victims brought forth such a feeling of rage and emotion and just bewilderment at how anyone could possibly be expected to stand up to someone like him, particularly in person.

I loved the scenes of dialogue between the executive editor of the NYT, Dean Baquet, and Weinstein because the way Dean talks is admirable. He's so good at not reacting to Harvey. He's polite but totally in control. He never takes the bait, he doesn't explain himself or act intimidated or engage in any way with all the insanity Harvey's throwing at him. And it make his desperation so blatantly obvious. It's masterful gray-rocking. And the scene where Megan Twohey sits down with the Weinstein team and let them all yell at her to appease them right before they publish was incredible. She is totally expressionless but she stares Harvey right in the eye and you can just sense so many emotions going on under the surface.

I put a prompt on my Hinge profile that says, "What if I told you that I was basically in a cult for 10 years." And I get a lot of responses on it. People are always very interested because they picture some kind of Manson Family type thing, I'm sure. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a right to say "cult" because my situation wasn't so scandalous but when I look at it through this lens, I can see the correlation with total clarity. That's exactly the type of manipulation I went through. The power dynamics were just as real—granted he wasn't some famous rich guy whose approval I needed for my career. But he was my father figure whose approval I needed for my soul.

The recording of Harvey trying to convince one of his victims to go into his room with him that they played in the film was really upsetting. I have a visceral gut feeling that arises within me while hearing it and I can just feel the terror and the anger and the hopelessness and confusion she must have felt as if I'm going through it right then.

It makes me want to ask other men to listen to that recording and ask them what goes through their mind when they hear it. Do they imagine what it would be like if a man was saying things like that to them? Can they imagine physically being in that room and what thoughts and feelings do they think they would have in response to that? Are there any scenarios in their lives where they have been in a situation that made them feel that powerless? Like no matter what the details are, have they ever felt that emotion in a real way? Like that kind of life-or-death, fight-or-flight level of fear?

What would a man do if, for example, he was scheduled for a meeting with his boss, and leading up to the meeting he had coworkers and peers of his own pulling him aside and telling them in hushed voices to "make sure you wear your puffy coat into the meeting" and "keep your distance, sit in your own armchair, never on the sofa next to him" and "be polite and smile if you want to make it out of there alive". Like.. honestly? They would think they are about to be locked in the room with a wild bear or something, right? They would stop and go "hey this doesn't really seem normal, I'm not doing that" and they would have the freedom to leave, probably.

The moment in the movie where Laura Madden is talking about her experience and the way Harvey had said things like, "this is just a work thing, all the other girls do it, I promise" and how it made her feel like it was her fault for thinking inappropriately.. and when Jodi asks her if she ever thought he was doing the same thing to other women, she said it had crossed her mind, but that she told herself they probably all said no. And that it was only her who was naive and weak enough to fall for it. That just broke my heart. And it made my fucking blood boil.

Because you know that Harvey knows. He knew exactly the effect his words were having, he knew exactly how to make her feel insecure and knew exactly the most tender spots to kick her so that she would give in. To make her question her own reality from here on out, to make her feel ashamed for the gut feeling she was having and therefore make her detach from her intuition not just in this situation, but in all future moments of her life, to make her feel like she's completely alone in this and that nobody else has ever had an issue with it. He knew and he still said those things like it was a game. Like this full human in front of him was just a meaningless plaything.

Why do we tolerate any level of manipulation whatsoever? Someone who plays those kinds of games against women is also playing games with the men around him. But part of that game is that he makes the men around him feel more powerful so that they'll let his treatment of women slide. But the men around him are actually just as powerless because they can't speak out about anything without retaliation either. They can't raise any flags. He gives them special treatment and uses their own insecurities so that they'll abandon their values, which has a profound psychological impact on them. And that's not fair to them either. Why can't we all see people like Weinstein (and Trump, and all the others) for who they really are and go "this person is a manipulative fuckhead who lies about everything. He's giving some people a whole lot so that he can freely take everything away from others with impunity, and that's just someone who is categorically dangerous to everyone and we should not give them an ounce of power over any of us."

That's what it will take. It can't be only half of victims speaking against injustice—it cannot be only women. Men need to speak out too. They are also victims. It's infuriating that they can't see that though. Because they don't even really see or experience it so they don't feel the need to do anything about it, but ultimately, they are the only ones who could solve the problem.

#she said #harvey weinstein #the new york times #me too #cults

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