youllneverfiindmehere-blog

[youllneverfiindmehere-blog]

Toxic Love

Sunny, cloudy or apocaliptic days.. I don’t really care. I’ve seen them all. By myself. Now I spend them doing house chores, watching movies and silly series. What’d make me want to live them again would be to have you by side. I’ve done you wrong. Actually you did me too. Aside by that we had a broken love, a toxic love. Whatever I do however I distract myself in the end of the day it’s you. I really thought I did it. I freed myself. But i was wrong, oh was I wrong. I didn’t meet your expectation. You were not satisfied with me, neither was I. I remember, your sweet love. You gave it all to me. But I couldn’t. I don’t know if it was because of what you did in the past, because you hurt me. Or wether my father was to blame. He never showed me genuinely love, neither could I, never had the chance, never was able to learn how. He was full of anger. Since childhood I never learned to connect beautiful things with men, like love. I really loved you, I wanted to do so many things to you, say so many things but I could not. I can’t show love. That’s the worst thing. Especially because love is such a beautiful thing. Apart from that, they were still many things that made our love toxic. Unhealthy. Miserable. My problems. I was a wreck. I still am. Family problems, you know it all.. But you never really understood. You literally shattered my heart a thousand times into many pieces, just with words, with actions. But you never knew. You left me. Yeah, you left me when I needed you the most, because you thought of yourself first. Nothing wrong with that. So now I did it too. I thought of myself. Of my feelings, of my pain, of my well-being. It really helped. Yeah.. just for a few months. Now it starts all over again. The longing. The yearning for your arms, for you. Constantly thinking bout us walking hand in hand into the summer sunset.I want you to be truly happy. To feel loved. Things you couldn’t have with me. Don’t get me wrong, we had good times too, gained experience. But Seeing you with another girl would literally break me. Into. A. Thousand. Pieces. But I already went through it. And even If I had to go through hell for you, for your happiness, I swear, I would. You don’t need a broken girl. You need someone to radiate happiness like you. Eventhough we did each other wrong, I hurt you, you hurt me, I still wish you the best. There’s no space in this world for anger, revenge or hate. Love passes at a young age  but memories stay for life. So thanks for sharing a part of your life with me. All the bad and good memories let me grow, let me learn, let me change. Meeting you was the most beautiful coincidence in my life so far. Pain passes. Many things are currently running very badly in my life. But I just wanted to get somethings off of my chest. That’s my way of dealing with problems. I literally wish you the best I hope that is based on reciprocity. God has a plan for us. In the end we’re all gonna be fine. So thanks for beeing a important chapter in my life, but life goes on. Wish you the best.