✨maddy | 23 | BL✨Currently watching: not me, enchante, you're my sky
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Do you still think I feel pity for you?
LAST TWILIGHT SERIES (2023)
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I just want you to feel comfortable enough to be yourself.
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“I didn’t mean it like that..”
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To Not Me, thank you. (insp.)
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— when I feel lost and alone I know that I can make it home
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[In loving like drunk kids love…]
Not Me (2021-2022) Dir. Nuchy Anucha
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Baseball cap my beloved
NOT ME (2021) EP.2 // EP.14
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The man in this picture, how do you think he’s feeling? Nothing, I guess. Yok, I am sorry, and I miss you. I quit my job. I hope you don’t forget our promise again.
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VEGAS X PETE | KINNPORCHE THE SERIES
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I understand you’ll never be mine, and thats fine… - VegasPete fic
When Kinn and the rest of the main family find out what Vegas did to Pete, they try to get revenge…. my continuation after chapter 10.
Dark memories flood his thoughts as he stares down at the man responsible for his sleepless nights. Nights now filled with unrelentless anguish, constant worry that if he closes his eyes, he would wake up in that room that housed the brutal torture that Pete endured. He looks down at Vegas’ bloody form, eyes cast down and refusing to meet Pete’s own. Anger begins to cloud his once hopeful eyes as once again he was face to face with the man who had caused every emotion in his body to be replaced with pain.
After Pete had escaped from the chains that bound him to Vegas, he had refused to talk to anyone about the events that occurred while he was kidnapped. In part due to the embarrassment that he felt, but also because he knew the hell that would ensue once Kinn found out. Pete refused to start a war between the two families over an insignificant bodyguard like himself. It was not to say that both Kinn and Porsche had tried to coax it out of him multiple times, with Pete refusing to let them in every time. The answer that Pete would always give to them would be that Vegas just had him locked up to mess with Kinn, intentionally leaving out details about the torture that occurred.
One night, after Pete had downed an entire bottle of alcohol in an attempt to give his mind even a sliver of peace, he had broken down all his walls and revealed to Porsche about the source of his physical scars as well as the one that was left on his heart, the one that had hurt more than any physical one ever could. Porsche, fueled by anger and disgust, informed Kinn of Pete’s words. This had led Kinn to call up his men, intent on getting revenge on Vegas, and dragged his bruised and bloodied body to the warehouse in which they were currently in, along with a few of Kinn’s men. While Kinn and his men had beat Vegas until the light in his eyes was slowly dimming, Kinn had decided that Pete should be the one to finish this act of revenge. And how could Pete ever disobey his boss?
Pete felt like he could not breathe, like the world was closing in him, and he could not escape. All the emotions that he was keeping bottled up fought their way to the surface, evident by the tears that threatened to spill in his glassy eyes. His breathing stopped when he felt a cold, metal object touch his fingers. He slowly turned around to see Kinn handing him his gun, the same gun that he had used to protect the people that he loved numerous times, was now being turned into the weapon to enact his revenge. Pete’s hands shake as he holds it in his hands, the weight of the gun almost foreign to him now.
“Don’t be afraid, Pete,” he thinks he hears Kinn say, words not registering in his head as he stares down at the black metal. “Nothing will happen to you if you do this, I promise you. I will make sure the first family knows exactly what this bastard did to you,” Kinn assures as Pete slowly looks up at him. Kinn eyes are filled with fury, ones that his own should reflect.
Pete slowly turns around to Vegas, heart threatening to break out of his chest as Pete casts his gaze upon him once again. Only difference is that when Pete turns around, Vegas is staring directly into his eyes. As soon as Pete takes one look at him, all the memories of that day he escaped come rushing back, invading his mind like a virus. Vegas’ remorseful, pleading eyes stare up at him, pain clearly coursing through his features. Pete turns his attention away from Vegas, not wanting to show him the tears that were freely flowing from his eyes now.
“Pete…,” he hears softly, like a soft wind in the forest, barely able to register if you were not paying attention. Pete whips his head back to Vegas as he hears a loud ‘slap’ echo in the warehouse. He notices the newly formed red spot on Vegas’ skin and Kinn standing next to Vegas, anger evident in his posture.
“You fucking bastard,” Kinn sneers before he slaps Vegas again. “How dare you think you can talk to him?” Pete could see Vegas’ gaze flicker toward him quickly before he looks down at the blood stained floor below him. An indescribable feeling swells in the pit of Pete’s stomach.
“Go ahead, Pete,” Kinn encourages Pete. “I would say put this son of a bitch out of his misery, but where he’s going is going to be way worse than anything we could do to him here.”
Pete, with obedience now engraved in every fiber of his being, slowly lifts the gun to Vegas’ forehead. He feels his hands shaking, and the echo of his ever beating heart in his ears. Almost like he could hear Pete’s heart as well, almost like Pete’s heart had become Vegas’ compass, Vegas looks up at him with those same eyes that begged him not to leave him, that told him he loved him. A part of Pete wants to slap that look off his face, and wants to yell at him that Vegas is not allowed to have sympathy for the pain that he inflicted with his own hands. Another, very deep part of Pete wants to take his fingers and wipe away all the hurt that was present on his features. The part of Pete that he had tried to keep hidden so meticulously.
“YOU FUCKING BASTARD,” Pete yells directly at Vegas, not knowing where this explosion of anger had come from all of a sudden. “I HATE YOU VEGAS, I FUCKING HATE YOU! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HAVE HURT ME?” Pete cries out, voice straining at the last word. His outburst makes the man in front of him flinch as his tears fall down Vegas’ reddened cheek. Vegas looks like he wants to extend his hand out to Pete, but can not due to the rope that was burning circles around his wrists. Vegas’ lips move slightly apart, words unspoken sitting on his lips. Pete stares at Vegas for who knows how long, his whole body trembling.
“Can you please leave us alone?” his words directed at Kinn, but his attention on Vegas unwavering, gun still firmly prompted on Vegas’ forehead.
“What?! No, we’re not gonna leave you here alone with him,” it is Porsche who speaks up.
“Please, I’ll be fine,” Pete begs Porsche with conviction. Out of the corner of his eyes, Pete sees Porsche and Kinn hesitate before he hears Kinn command his men to leave the warehouse.
The silence that follows becomes deafening as words that have been begging to be spoken hang in the air. The connection between their eyes remains steady. It had been awhile since Pete had been alone with Vegas, but this time he was the one with all the power, Vegas was his prisoner. And yet somehow, this did not bring an ounce of pleasure to Pete.
“Please…,” Vegas whispered, voice unsteady. “Just get it over with. My life is not worth living without you in it. I’m sorry for everything Pete.” Pete felt the hot tears burn his cheeks as Vegas’ words flowed into his awareness. Vegas was ready to die, he was willing to give up his entire light to give Pete a fraction of his own light back. The fire that had glowed so bright in Pete, was now dimmed by Vegas’ cold hands. But Vegas had been burned too, playing with a fire that he had never seen in his years of living.
“No… no you don’t get to say that…,” Pete cries out. “You can’t just say that and expect everything to be ok!” he almost shouted, anger returning to him once again. “Vegas.. You wrecked me.”
“I … I know…,” Vegas sighs. “Just please end this right here.”
“No!” Pete yells. “You think that killing you solves anything, huh? You think all my pain will just go away when you are dead? I’m not like you, Vegas. I’m not cruel.”
Pete’s words register in Vegas’ mind. The dread that flashes in Vegas’ eyes causes Pete to falter, remembering how those same eyes stared at him when Vegas had let down his walls and invited him into the despair of Vegas’ past. Just like that time, it almost makes Pete want to let down his guard.
“I don’t want to be that person anymore, I’m not that person anymore,” Vegas states, as if trying to convince himself more than Pete. “I can never go back and change what I did, but I can only promise that I will spend my entire life trying to repair it. I promise I will never hurt you as long as I breathe.”
Pete’s grip on the gun falters as he feels his breath stop at the sound of Vegas’ words. The gun makes a loud thud as it makes contact with the stone ground. Silence grows between the two as Pete struggles with his words, his feelings creating tangled web in the foreground of his mind. Pete knows that his words should not have any affect on him, but they do. When Pete looks at Vegas kneeling in front of him, he does not see the vindictive, cruel person who acted without a care for anyone. Instead he sees a scared boy, terrified of finally finding love in this world that keeps throwing one missile after another and losing it due to his own messed up mind.
“Please Pete…” he hears Vegas whisper, breaking the silence between them. Pete slowly trails the fingers that were just gripping the gun down Vegas’ forehead to his cheek, softly caressing the other man’s face. “I am so sorry for everything. I know that won’t take away any of your pain, but I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I want you to know that I am not that person anymore. I wish I could take your pain and make it mine. You became my peace, Pete. I just want to give you some too.”
Pete falls to his knees beside Vegas, feeling all the strength leave his body and letting go of a fight he did not realize was happening within him. He slumps down as he hangs his head, staring down at his shaky hands that had fallen when he did. Fresh tears begin to burn his eyes once again. He felt Vegas’ turn his head down, causing their foreheads to touch as Pete struggled to return his breathing to normal. He did not dare to look back up, instead choosing to focus on the tears that were mixing with Vegas’ blood on the ground.
“Pete, I love you so much,” Vegas said softly. Hearing this causes Pete to completely break down his walls. He looks back up at Vegas, their faces only centimeters apart. This is the part he tries so hard to fight, the raw, foreign feelings that had haunted him since he left Vegas. He wants to blame Vegas, wants to blame being locked up and spending every day with Vegas, but he knows it was not anyone’s fault but his own. He started to care for Vegas. He believed if he did not have to see Vegas anymore, all those feelings would go away. But they did not. Being in front of Vegas and hearing those words that had echoed in his mind spoken once again causes all those feelings to return full force. He knows that he could never forgive or even forget the things Vegas did to him, but Vegas had changed. Deep down Pete knew this, he had let him go after all. Maybe he would not forgive him, but maybe there was still a chance for them to overcome this. A chance for them to heal, together.
Not breaking eye contact with Vegas, Pete slowly removes the knife from his pocket that every bodyguard was given and snakes his arms around Vegas. Fear quickly flashes in Vegas’ eyes before Pete cuts the rope that was bounding Vegas’ hands. As soon as he does this, he feels himself being brought into Vegas’ strong hold. The smell of blood and sweat invading his senses as Vegas’ hands grip his shirt on his back like Vegas is sinking and Pete is his anchor. Pete’s neck becomes moist from the tears that were spilling from Vegas’ eyes. He can not stop his own tears from spilling as he hangs on to Vegas. Time passes as they just hold each other, trying to heal the pain that echoes in their hearts.
It is Pete who pulls away first to look at Vegas. “You’ve hurt me so much Vegas, it’s something I cannot forgive,” Pete whispers. Vegas casts his eyes down, about to speak until Pete interrupts his thought. “But I cannot forget these feelings I have for you. I don’t understand them, but they are there… and I have not been the same since I met you. I care about you, Vegas. I just really hope you have changed.”
“I have Pete, please believe me. I will never do anything to hurt you ever again,” Vegas reassures.
“I don’t believe you right now,” Pete states. “But that does not mean I won’t believe you in the future. You’re going to have to earn my trust back, Vegas. But… but I’m willing to give you a chance to prove to me that you truly mean the words you are saying. And believe me, if you ever hurt me again, I will not hesitate to pull that trigger and kill you.”
A small smile fights his way up on Vegas’ lips, his hand slowly coming up to caress Pete’s cheek. “Thank you so much, Pete. For giving me another chance. You are so amazing, and I have changed because of you. You have made me a better person. I know I don’t deserve this, but I will work so hard to make you believe me when I say that I love you with my whole heart. You are the only person I love.” Vegas states. Pete feels a small form on his own lips. “Can I kiss you?” Vegas asks for permission.
Pete brings his face closer to Vegas’ own, silently giving him permission. He feels Vegas’ lips on his own, a soft touch like Vegas is scared that if applies any more pressure, Pete will pull away and take back all the words he had just told him. Feeling the weight of all the emotions he’s been hiding away come spilling out, Pete deepens the kiss. Vegas takes Pete’s face in his hands as Pete’s hands join together around Vegas’ neck. Vegas kisses him with an intensity that burns brighter than any fire, pouring all his love and conviction into that one kiss. An unspoken promise is shared between the two. Hope fills all the voids that were once gaping inside both Vegas and Pete, the mutual love they share acting like medicine to all the wounds they have suffered.
Pete is the one to break the kiss first, withdrawing his lips to connect his forehead with Vegas’. He stares at Vegas’ tear filled eyes and the smile radiating off of Vegas’ face. He can not help it when he feels a soft feeling at the pit of his stomach staring at the broken boy who just wanted love, who was torn apart by this cruel world. Pete smiles back at him. He may never forget the past, but when he stares at Vegas, he is hopeful for the future that lies ahead of them. He hopes that Vegas can eventually replace those painful memories with happy ones. It may take time, but he is willing to give his heart forever to the man in front of him, as long as Vegas is willing to prove to Pete every day that he has changed. He knows it’s not going to be easy, but Vegas’ love is clear to him. He saw it the day when Vegas decided to let him go, when he saw that Vegas’ actions were no longer for his own benefit. If Vegas was willing to change, Pete was willing to give him a chance.
“We’re gonna give Kinn a heart attack, I hope you know,” Vegas states. Pete laughs for the first time in months.
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NOT ME THE SERIES / EPISODE THIRTEEN
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I have a question for you. If you could turn back time, would you kill me and get it over with? Give me countless chances to turn back time, my decision would remain the same. We can’t kill each other, Black. Our paths have taken a different turn but our intentions are just the same.
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there's something so beautifully tragic about both the danyok scene and the toddblack scene. how you can love a person, whether it be a friend or a lover, so much but you're still destined to hurt one another in the end. even if your ideals to the core are the same because life and the way you're brought up and influences around you lead you to a different path. and no matter how much you try to be a better person or believe they can be a better person and wish they would follow down the same path as you and not end up hurting one another. but in the end all roads lead back to that one place, that hurt, that betrayal. because your path is different from their path. and what's harder than letting that person go? so you believe in them, you continue to believe in them until you can't no more. until there's nothing left to believe in.
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Holy fuck I can't even begin to imagine how hopeless Dan feels. Like, obviously, the gang and especially Yok are very fucking devastated as well, but Dan has to deal with the guilt of what he accidentally did in the first place. Now, right as he was starting to make amends and was actually trying to make a change he has that striped away from him by threatening the people he loves. And, even more heartbreakingly, he is told that even tho the higher ups knew about UNAR and about what he did with the gang they never cared enough to stop him because they didn't consider these actions a genuine threat, meaning that all his anxiety and work were going to waste. The bullet he took for Yok was for nothing. All his time as UNAR was for nothing. And now, just as it starts to all mean something, he is forced to betray his beliefs and Yok or else he will lose the people he cares for.
Say whatever you want about Dan, I am upset at how things turned out, but we all know that he never had a choice.
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