yochanrea

[yochanrea]

Word Vomit #2

To be honest, life sucks like it sucks so bad.

I don't really know how or where to start. So I'm just going to start rambling and typing this down without any structure or coherent thoughts, just feelings upon feelings upon feelings so my apologies in advance.

So first off, I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

Woah, great start! HAHA. But really, I don't feel good AT ALL.

As much as I want to provide some personal insight as to why I don't feel great, I can't because privacy and maybe a friend or someone I know may read this (as if) and might connect the dots or something.

I dunno, I'm kind of paranoid.

Anyways, life isn't fair and some people just don't know when to shut up. I may not be perfect but I don't go out of my way to trash people, especially throwing unnecessary shade. I'm not a goody two shoes but I know my place as a person and a woman.

This is hard HAHA. I don't really know how to write or type these baggage of feelings here because it is still to fresh. I can't feel my throat beginning to tighten up and my eyes getting watery again.

I also feel like throwing up, the acid going up from my stomach and it's dangerously getting near to my mouth.

These feelings that should have stayed mentally is starting to manifest physically, and that's disheartening me so much because why am I getting so affected and hurt by something that shouldn't.

I'm jealous of the people who can stay unbothered and not let others' words or actions affect them.

I wonder if it's because I care too much or I'm a notorious overthinker and it's probably both.

This sucks and it's slowly affecting my life where I'm starting to sabotage myself again by being tempted to run away and hide from the rest of this horrible but marvelous world.

Until when will I change? When will I learn to accept that life isn't all happy or friendly or rainbows and beauty? That life is mean, full of unnecessary shit and ugly.

I guess life is both of these, the yin and yang.

I don't really want to hate myself (anymore) for the things I have done. Whether it's in the past or now. And maybe in the future. I am not perfect and sometimes, I do things extremely to the point that it is desperate and overwhelming.

I know my faults as a human but it's also unfair that I'm constantly punishing myself for the mistakes I have made.

It's depressing.

Any who, I've run out of words to type because my mind is foggy and my heart is aching (HAHA so overdramatic).

Advance Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to anyone who bothered to read this (HAHA).

Until we meet again here in the cyberspace that is the internet, well location: Tumblr.

[yochanrea]

Beneath My Fragile Skin, a Boiling Anger Simmers Within Me.

It was a Tuesday night. The breeze swept through the neighborhood, the trees swaying with it. Leaves falling from its disturbance, landing on trimmed grass. 

The moon and the stars shining amidst black skies, dark sparse clouds looming.

Several houses stood silent, their lights off as the people within slept through this serene time. 

But then, occasionally, a dog could be heard, barking from a distance. 

Then a baby would cry loudly for their parents’ comfort. 

Some would be working overnight, their fingers smashing on keyboards and pens harshly writing on papers. Whining and grunting, rushing to get this over with. Wishing and wanting to sleep like the rest.

And the rebellious teens’ sneakers squeaking on pavements and crunching leaves beneath their soles as they sneak out into the streets. 

Going to places unknown to their families.

There is one house, however, that stands silently still on this side of the neighborhood. A lonely double-story house, old and broken.

Never awake, always asleep. Inside, there was no one. 

Not a soul wandering in those lonely halls nor someone alive breathing, for it was abandoned with no regard.

Was it cursed? Haunted? No one knows but the house itself. For it has seen things that we do not, heard secrets we want to know.

No one but this house alone.

Until this night, this Tuesday night. 

In the dark basement, horrid smells wafting in the air like acid and iron. The little stained window provides the only source of light other than the fluorescent bulb above them.

Her skin glistens in the moonlight, her amber eyes glowing in the dark. 

She stares at the body in front of her. Blood spreading on the ground beneath them, her bloody hand firmly grips on the gun. Tight and hard, her knuckles white. Shaking as she tries to control herself and her sanity.

Her heavy breathing fills the air of this empty room, the wound on her leg bleeding. Blood trailing down unto the dirt.

She tries to stand up, holding on the wall behind her as she lifts her body slowly and carefully. Never leaving her eyes from the body. 

Lifeless and still, his mouth agape of shock and disbelief. The bullet wound on his head, fresh. His eyes wide open, strained and tired. Red veins surrounding his blown out pupils. His skin, slowly losing its color.

She has to get out. A voice whispers to her, she has to escape.

She has to live.

Hastily, she drags herself out of the basement. Looking at the dead man for the last time, the gun in her hand feels more and more like the weight in her heart.

Was guilt beginning to eat her?

She shakes her head. 

No, he deserves it.

She begins her journey up the wooden stairs. It creaks with every step she takes, her hand holding on its rails as she eases herself up. The blood from her wound trailing down with each step.

She feels heavy as if his soul is trying to drag her down back into that musty basement. But she can't give up now, when freedom’s just a step away.

Her hand reaches for the knob. Just a little bit more and she will finally be—

A thundering crash was heard behind the door. It shakes the house with its strength. 

She stiffens, her eyes growing wide as she hears their footsteps getting closer and closer. 

She steadies herself with the gun in her hand, pointing towards the door. She tries to control herself from the fear choking her throat.

Her tears rolling down her cheeks, her lips quivering.

When did she start crying?

As she stood there, preparing for the worst. Suddenly, everything was silent once more. 

An eerie silence, the sudden stillness of nothing. 

She shakily exhales the breath she's been holding, easing her quickening heart. Lowering her gun, she places her foot gently on the last step of the stairs. Ascending, she shifts her weight, pulling her other foot up. 

But then again, not everything comes too easy in life. Not in this timeline.

She finds herself falling. 

Backwards as if something or someone was pulling her. It's hands covering her screams and agony. 

Darkness came once more, to terrorize her once again.

The door opens and shuts. The blinking lights of the machine, whirring and beeping. The IV drip attached to her vein, digging into her pale skin.

The man stands, staring at her lifeless body. Alive but not quite, he exhales. Pulling the chair backwards, he sits. His hand comes to hold her own but he stops midway. 

He notices something peculiar.

Just as soon as he notices, he stands immediately to call for the doctor.

For the woman on this hospital bed is nothing more than a vessel for that monster.

That monster who she shouldn't have tempted with.

Beneath her fragile skin, a boiling anger simmers within her. Red, hot and agonizing anger. One that she shouldn't have given so much control in her life.

It burns and consumes every crevice, every cell. 

Marked by hell, it won't leave her.

It won't let her go.

And now she sleeps idly on this hospital bed, white walls surrounding her. Bright lights and machines connected to her.

Inside her is a never-ending battle. 

Suffering the consequences for the actions she has done.

The decision she has made.

The one she regrets for eternity.

END.

[yochanrea]

Word Vomit #1

I am bored and now I'll be writing whatever's on my mind.

Currently, I find myself laying in this not-so soft bed, wondering if I'll ever succeed in this lifetime.

The victories seem few and far between, while the losses are great and overwhelming.

For the past four months, I cried and raged. Got frustrated, confused, and disappointed. A bundle of "WOW, am I overreacting or does life just sucks?"

Emotions bubbled up from my gut and out to my mouth where I scream and scream until my throat became hoarse, and my voice ran out.

But then, there are also times where I'm just a chill guy.

Living on the Edge of—What Exactly? is how I described this chapter of my life.

Not knowing where to fit in and what to do. Trapped in this maze where I'm constantly turning the wrong way. Pretending and wearing my mask even more tightly to my uggo face that I feel suffocated.

Sabotaging myself at every chance I get, realizing I'm also my own enemy.

But then, you'll start to understand that, YES... This is what happens when you're just starting out in life. This is what happens when you're trying new things and doing new stuffs in life. The beginning of something great (I hope).

Right now, I feel anxious but I think that's the caffeine doing its thing as per usual. Also, I really need to sleep (I shouldn't have drank that coffee, MY INNER SABOTEUR DOING HER JOB AGAIN!).

Hopefully, I'll be able to do whatever plan/s I have for tomorrow. Bleh!

Life is sometimes tortuous.

[yochanrea]

A Brief Moment in Time.

The approaching waves touch my feet,

Gentle breeze swaying palm trees,

The light caresses my face, 

The comforting embrace of the summer’s heat,

Then in that one moment, an epiphany captured in this picturesque dream,

whispering to no one at all,

A silent thank you to the heavens above.

Realizing that choosing to live is better than waiting for death to capture me in his hands,

In this brief moment in time, letting nature hold me,

Comforting me with the wonders of Her,

until it's time to come home to Him.

[yochanrea]

Damaged Goods.

Twirling hairs with fingertips of red,

Bright blue eyes that seem dead,

Soft whispers of a promise that never came into fruition,

Lies laced with poison, my heart couldn't bear.

One by one they depart, leaving me behind.

I lie silently on the ground, dirt in my nails stained with dry blood.

My golden locks spread around me like halo,

My white dress, torn apart and ripped into shreds. My bright red shoes, gone like the rest of my sanity.

Slowly, I breathe out. A sudden feeling of relief wash over me as I stare up in the dark skies of this terrible night.

The snow beginning to fall.

Snowflakes shining with the stars and moonlight, falling on my pale cheeks and nose.

Peace, I feel peace for the first time.

My eyes grow heavy.

At last, this time I’ll be free.

From their harsh clutches, rough hands that seem to grab everywhere.

Touching hidden parts that I've never let anyone see.

Those dark, brooding eyes staring into mine. Disgustful lust.

It doesn't matter anymore.

Soon, I'll be home at last.