yhollow

[yhollow]

Autumn log

Turns out there is a lot in my head and I'm trying to find the best way to condense it lmao.

I think it's because of the unusually long, odd dream I had this morning. I dreamed about a somewhat apocalyptic world that I managed to overcome, found that the person who helped me the most was someone I'm familiar with in the future, and then I had to keep going back to the past and survived all over again, but each survival with different endings. I did that 3 times, and the 3rd was unsurprisingly the hardest because I said "ah, here we go again" and all of a sudden my (now deceased) grandmother looked at me like I wanted to kill her. She retaliated, even though I told her I don't do this to kill anyone, I do this for the future! (famous last word before I woke up lmao).

Anyway, that kind of dream biasanya kayak respawn point. Kerefresh gitu jadi cachenya ilang semua, dan lebih bersih headspacenya. Cuman jadi harus login lagi yang bikin agak delay. Cleaner headspace means efficient performance, and an empty cache means re-entering established networks. It's like a step-back point.

Each network has its own purpose. Ya anggaplah kayak socmed vs gaming app vs streaming app vs finance app. Fundamentally, there's only one user. Tapi kan akunnya suka beda-beda ya, as in we don't use pin yang dipake finance app, dipake juga buat gaming app, meski sama-sama pin. That's like our background, in essence. I don't use my S.ds. to advertise my commission, for example. Despite the useful related knowledge. Hmm I realized by now I'm kinda speaking like in SAO with their analogies lmao-

Ok, so the conclusion is.. sometimes we love to label ourselves with titles because we want to be identified and recognized. But ever so often those titles made us feel.. well, entitled. Avoiding that, the 'fear of arrogance' can instead cause a lack of ambitions in me. Taking a step back can help to get a better view of oneself and reevaluate. Kayak Toshiro pas bankainya dicolong, mungkin. Kita sebenernya biasa aja, 'di atas langit ada langit'. And instead of chasing the wind, maybe we can see, midst the maple trees, saplings grow alive before our feet. And if we eat these chestnuts from the tree, maybe we can also sprout a leaf!

Wowie, such an Autumn spirit! I love Autumn. Thank you for listening to my TEDTalk xD

Oh, the last line was also referenced from Pekoe's song, "Wild World". I think it fits perfectly!

071024

[yhollow]

Every day I tell myself it's okay and there is so much more in life than what appears on the surface. To not feed off of pettiness nor chase empty kisses. Then I found this playlist, really chill.

[yhollow]

Every soul born with a sin

a mark of their root flows within

Alongside you it grows together

And knows you better like no other

...

The little heart I knew, was a 'demon', that is unlike a monster, an quite a character.

I did make some records of their appearance, before I knew the true essence of their existence.

It's nothing too crazy, I think. Too be precise, "nothing too crazy in my life" is what I always tell myself. But is it really the case when I've heard a couple concerns about my mental condition?

It's nothing to worry about, nothing too harmful. Everyone hides something behind their smiles.

And it sure smiles a lot.

One born from reason, joy, and desire.

A reason why I don't talk with a wall, for a first.

Which is pretty self-explanstory. A direct companion when it comes down to it.

One other.. long existed within its own set of world, a projection of valor, anger, and lust.

We never talk. I rather live sepately as his world is intoxicating in a sickening and toxic way.

Because that's where all the darkest of thoughts go, for his sword to cut so I wont. For his pleasure to indulge so I don't.

Bunra and Higimasa, are the names I gave.

.

For a time I thought they're just how I project my own inner thoughts and communicate with myself. And indeed it did help me to sort difficult thoughts together, at times when people would call it pondering.

Bunra, despite having joy and desire, often neglects emotions due to its voice of reason. That makes it appear friendly and inviting, but lacking passion. A definition of having something to the fullest without taking it to the heart. Bunra would always question what is it I truly desire that motivates me to do things. And if I don't have the answer, it'd take me to a dive of finding a reason. But ultimately, if Higi is the defense that keeps me away form inflicting harm, Bunra is the defense that prevents a more mental kind of harm. So it tends to eliminate emotional attachment I tend to cry over by laughing it off. It was fine, since I need to come to terms that people comes and goes. Until he suggest me to get rid of my conscience.

That's when I remember, the saying about demons that don't take shape into monsters under your bed, but flows within your blood and gets under your nerves without you noticing. That's when I look at the scarf-covered eyes, wondering why I can't seem to project its eyes. "Eyes are the window of the soul", and thus mine are absent to your comfort. Was what I remember it saying. I don't like invasive pries. And it knows me best without even need to look.

So you're the demon all along, I said. And it just smiled amusedly, as if he never even meant to hide it. Which was.. reasonable, since they did born from my 'sins'; reason, joy, desire. Valor, anger, and lust. Things that are hardest to control, and miserable when being pushed too much.

Well, I thought, at least I get along with my demons, which I consider fortunate. They won't possess me any sooner, if I keep them in check. I hope. So here's a note to record this new notion, in case I get a brain damage in the future!

070924

[yhollow]

Something About Frieren: A Fulfilling Life?

Here's a thing: I've always felt Frieren shares a similar melancholic feel with Violet Evergarden, but with a unique twist. Both stories unfold slowly, mundane, and seemingly pointless. However, the two also share a core value that I like; A lot of room to breathe and contemplate. It invites us to savor the quiet moments. Frieren and Violet started off oblivious with emotions that normally other people would grieve or regret. They learned to understand something that is no longer (or supposedly no longer, in Violet's case) attainable. Violet Evergarden was a tearjerker for me, whereas Frieren so far is more of a heartwarming journey.

At a glance, it feels pointless to aim for something that you can never get back. There is no thrill from the rush of desire or a hit of comeback. Alas, this type of story was trying to convey something else; The melancholy of acceptance, a treasured legacy, and attention to even the slightest change. The slow pace pinpointed those things in pieces of with character's current life. Frieren's world is tinged with melancholic beauty, a constant reminder of the ones lost to time, and honors it by cherishing life's moments going forward.

Now focusing on Frieren story, I really like how each character connected with their surroundings and how the relationship between them emerged. Even the supporting cast in Frieren are not mere bystanders. Each character interaction feels meaningful, adding depth and dimension to the story. They aren't merely a tool for the main character's development but really feel like a part of the main story.

Now about the main character Frieren.. By herself, she may lack an admirable trait as she appears laid-back and unpassionate, which makes her a seemingly unconventional protagonist. We won't be able to understand her if not for the characters around her. Her strong suit I think was her will to understand and her value of humility. She was mainly driven by logic but didn't completely shut herself from emotional reasons.

I really like the part about her, even as the main character, when she failed to earn the 'first-class mage' title like it was nothing to worry about. Instead, she helped her apprentice, Fern, to be one. It's quite rare to see a main character surpassed by the support character. I can think of some examples like Lightning McQueen and Naruto, each with their own reason. But the message is the same; Everyone has their own role in life and not every path they need to succeed. The student will surpass the teacher, and it was delivered in such a.. lenient, light-hearted way.

Watching Frieren was almost stress-free, I started to look forward to how she'd handle a normally stressful situation with her lack-of-stress attitude, lmao. It can be frustrating when that happens in a relationship with the people around her, though. And that pros and cons are what make it interesting. Not looking stressed, or heck not looking excited, doesn't mean one didn't care. I can relate to that part of her to some degree, and that's also the reason why I like her.

It's funny to recall back the first time I heard about Frieren, was when a friend watching the episode where Frieren's group first met Lügner I was like yoo what are you watching and YOOO who is that Johan-looking guy 😳😳. He was the reason I watched Frieren... Damn... RIP Lügner 😞💔.

Anyway, I still enjoy the story so far and I think anyone seeking a thoughtful and emotionally resonant story will find themselves captivated by Frieren's journey. The key to a fulfilling life.. highlighted in everyday moments.. and to raise a glass for the lingering memories from remnants of those who once walked with us. Cheers, and keep walking forward.

Oh right, and with a hobby, of course!

[yhollow]

George Sand, from a letter to Gustave Flaubert written c. November 1866

[yhollow]

Where people are gathered, sugar and salt sprinkled and passed, delectable beef with tea be served, 'Merry to us all!', we cheered.

[yhollow]

Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible. 

Carl Jung, “Memories, Dreams, Reflections”

I am constantly trying to communicate something incommunicable, to explain something inexplicable, to tell about something I only feel in my bones and which can only be experienced in those bones. 

Franz Kafka, “Letters to Milena”

[yhollow]

“Why must I make things hard for myself?”

I said, as I tried to convince myself that I enjoy those things.

[yhollow]

Yesterday’s Anew

How does one find something entirely new From all yesterdays combined that I knew Not one is close even just a few As the time we spent went by a flew

I thought I had forgotten The thrill, which has grown so familiar Left a lingering trace so persistent For such a moment of brief

Reaching out as our hands finally greet Leaning on the impulse of the warmth Which carries the unspoken with it; Can I place my bet on you?

.

Tue, 02.05.23

[yhollow]

Devin Kelly, from Ordinary Plots: "J. Estanislao Lopez's 'What the Fingers Do'" [transcript in ALT]

[yhollow]

If you pick a piece of your thought and give them a name, a shape, and a voice, would they be just another part of you, or something entirely new?

PBR

[yhollow]

Honest opinion about the movie Suzume no Tojimari

Instead of writing my thesis, I’m gonna recap Suzume no Tojimari the movie instead.

In general, it’s romantic heroic. Or if we have to put a genre, it would be tragedy, slice of life, comedy, and romance. I think the main conflict pattern is similar to Kimi no Na Wa; there’s this big disaster, wooosh, noooo we’re separated, sike I’ll get you back for sure. Yet I still cried. I don’t know, despite having such obvious pattern, the story-telling makes you want to deny the inevitable, and gets you to wonder how it will be resolved. Also, with excellent visuals, music, and voice-over, ah, just cry me a river.

I might seem to exaggerate there. So let’s talk issues. The conflict’s issues, to be precise. First, is childhood memory. I wouldn’t say trauma, despite it being considered traumatic. Because the MC herself couldn’t recall it and it’s not something she constantly dwells on. The memory itself is more like.. A missing puzzle. It was a part of yourself, which was removed or temporarily removed due to a shock. As she was reminded of the missing part, she knew it was her, but at the same time, having a point of view from a different person. This was done so cleverly and in a way that is uncanny. I don’t know about anyone else, but parting with the ‘child��� of myself was painful and a one-way-ticket. A child’s lifetime is all about dreams and adventures, mostly dominated by fantasy, if not irrational mindset. One can part with this lifetime earlier or later, consciously or unconsciously. Suzume captures this ‘child’s lifetime’ right where it hits me most; we were lost, but time stops for no one, so we kept going. One thing that time may allow us to reach back to our past, is to touch our ‘child’s lifetime’, as it may not a goal we need to find, but a courage. Everyone was a child, and there’s a child somewhere, in everyone’s heart. 

[ 時は まくらぎ  The time is orderly

風は にきはだ  The breeze is honest

星は うぶすな  The stars are young and ignorant

人は かげろう  Driving people to move forward ]

Next issue is the romance. Love is something I can hardly grasp, and something so.. Impulsive and humble forming such feeling to the point of sacrificing oneself is.. Bizarre. Agh, fxcking heroism, what is this, Romeo and Juliette? I can’t believe I cried on this **sobs**. The movie depicts romance that seems so.. Humble and simple, but hear me out. The relationship started off by accident, from an individual sense of righteousness, which then expanded into mutual benefits. They grew closer within a shared few wild days, and slowly developed a bond that manifested ‘desire with regret’. Ah, it’s not loneliness that can eat your heart out. It’s regret. I’m not only talking about Suzume and Shouta, but also Suzume and Daijin [the cat]. Suzume’s bond with Shouta was created from a positive desire which leads to Suzume’s fear of regret, hence her will of self-sacrifice. On the contrary, Suzume’s bond with Daijin was created from a negative desire, in which regret was the feedback, hence Daijin’s will to self-sacrifice as its redemption. So.. moral of the story is either don’t leave something you may regret, or don’t do something you might regret. No in-between.

[ あなたを知りたかった あなたを知りたかった  

I wanted to know you, I wanted to know you

私がいなくても平気よやっていけるわみたいなあなたが 

Because you act like you’re totally fine without me

あなたが悔しかった あなたが悔しかった I

 envied you, I envied you

私の努力などどこ吹く風で愛されるそんなあなたが 

For being loved regardless of all my efforts

伸ばしても届かない手で あなたに綴る歌 

I’m writing you a song with the hand I hold out that still doesn’t reach

それでもあなたは間違いなく 私が生きてゆく

 And yet, you were definitely The light for me to live ]

Some say there are a lot of ‘plot holes’ in the story, but I think it’s all just minor details. The story itself is mostly symbolic, and hurdling too much on details can ruin the main conflict. Just like art, in such a compact space, instead of spreading the details everywhere, one should focus on a single point to exhibit the emotions in the spotlight. I think how the movie Suzume no Tojimari conveys emotions is very spot-on. 

Alright, Shouta is hot, that’s one factor all these shenanigans happened. Though if I replay the OSTs, there are heart-breaking remnants of memories of Daijin too which is hard to digest. Such roller-coaster of emotions **sobs**. The fact that it’s child-like, devious but righteous, struggling to convey its feelings, fricking locked as a stone for who knows how many thousands of years. I think the song Suzume ft Toaka is actually its song, if not Suzume and Daijin’s.

この身ひとつじゃ足りない叫び  Shouting by myself will never be enough

君の手に触れた時にだけ震えた  When the heart only starts beating

心があったよ  If your hand touches it

意味をいくつ越えれば僕らは辿り So how many meanings do we have to go over

つけるのかな Before finally arriving at the destination?

愚かさでいい 醜さでいい Even if it's stupid, even if it’s ugly

正しさのその先で In the right direction

君と手を取りたい I want to move forward hand in hand with you

思い出せない 大切な記憶 Unable to recall those special memories

言葉にならない ここにある想い Having trouble putting these sentiments into words

もしかしたら もしかしたら Perhaps, perhaps

それだけでこの心はできてる Only by this can the heart be bred

Some people are disappointed when comparing Suzume no Tojimari with Makoto Shinkai’s previous movies, saying it’s lacking in romance. Yes, the romace is rather simple, and I personally welcome a simpler love when packed along with a filling conflict. I find Suzume no Tojimari’s focal point is not just romantic relationship, and maybe that’s why the side key character, Daijin stands out so much. 

- 220323

[yhollow]

wind shifts in the sky grey yet calm I feel only but a storm you see

a haiku

[yhollow]

Aku manusia. 20 tahun di dunia, masih manusia. 20 tahun lagi, apa hebatnya?

Dengarkan, ribuan angan-angan, Janji manis penuh harapan, Ia yang berpegang pada kehidupan.

Kau tanya, dalam perjalanan. Apa gerangan yang bisa kutawarkan, Sebagai satu dari sejuta pilihan?

Padaku, sepasang tangan. Tiap tantangan, tergores pelajaran. Tiap goresan, mencari jawaban;

Aku manusia. Menolak mati, mengolah rasa, Terus berkarya, sampai kubangga!

Katalistiwa

Kelahiran, Kematian

Kedatangan dan Kepergian

Keruntuhan, Kebangkitan

Kekalahan atau Kemenangan

Sadarkah kau sepanjang kehidupan

Kau adalah bagian

dari sejarah peradaban?

Pernahkan kau memikirkan

Alasan

Keberadaanmu bertahan?

Keep reading

[yhollow]

Some things are not worth it but we do it anyway, it doesn't matter. Why we do it, that matters.

[yhollow]

life is a fleeting moment, holding onto such feeble minds we venture beyond a fantasy we don't even dare dream of. Never truly we are free, as fear itself bound us to where we are, for the better or worse.

Mon, 130622 [3 am]

[yhollow]

As a creator, does the flaw in your 'product' defines your own quality as its creator?

[ Some brain juice that suddenly urges to be poured after Albedo's story quest. Might induce hints of spoilers.]

In scientific research/experiments, flaws and failure.. are a part of 'discovery'. Means, it's not entirely a bootless result. There are lots of things that exist today because of unexpected 'accidents' in the past. However, a defective fruit may find it hard to find a buyer. So does its fate really, bounds to be thrown away?

Maybe it's not the fruit's fault. It's not the fruit's fault to be born not as sweet as its 'brothers'. So was it the farmer's fault? The trees' fault? The soil's fault? Was it the God's fault to give it such fate? Have we become so arrogant even to blame God for events far of our logic can yet comprehend?

Looking back at the fruit, sure, no one might be interested in buying it for not being as ‘nice’ as the other fruits. But then as it hangs on the branch.. a caterpillar might've lingered before it sets up its cocoon. As it fell to the ground.. A starving deer might've taken a bite to fill its stomach, And as it rolls, and rolls, and rolls. it finds a blanket of soil and rests there. At the feet of another tree. And as it sleeps and sleeps and sleeps, the tree flourishes, blooms, and bears another family of fruits.

Unknowingly, along its journey, the fruit with no buyer has been such a valuable encounter for the caterpillar, a deer, and the tree. Would you say then, worthy of no buyer, its life was not fulfilling at all?

Buut if you're saying it that way, I cannot argue with this malicious plot. Can we?

The thing is, I've had plenty of discussions about (the philosophic side of) artificial intelligence with my friends. We've come to the point that, questioning back, what makes us think we're not in fact, also artificial?

Our instinct, intelligence, emotions.. would you call it your own if it was in truth, programmed by fate?

"The thoughts and discussions about fate make me feel like we don’t actually have free choice, we are programmed to think that we have free choice to eventually lead us to the position we are belong" -K, a friend of mine

No matter how I'd like to encourage this human's 'privileges' of free-will, I can't help but feel cynical towards the end of the act. What I know is our own written 'command' (as in programming) may affect those with whom we've crossed paths. Even the simplest event can be such a big turn-over like, for example, the discovery of the formula of volumes. Nevertheless, I believe our will of choice as living beings is all the same by basic; the will to survive.

Such thing like fate, however.. it's another topic I have the general principle for but that'd lead to a more.. religious talking I won't bore you with.

- Sun. 12/05/21