yggdrusill

[yggdrusill]

My therapist gave me an assignment. And I haven't done it yet. So here I am, doing it.

I see myself as an exuberant creature of the shadows, the surf, the underbrush, accomplishing miniscule tasks in the universe. A bat flying through the night, a spider crafting a web. A krill cleaning a whale's mouth. A cicada using all of its energy to molt, sing, mate, and die. A beetle toddling along.

I've attempted some projects, with minor public exposure. And scrapped those attempts. And felt awful for a long time afterward.

Maybe I make things hard. I absolutely take things hard. One of my favorite T-shirts has "HARD FEELINGS" emblazoned across the front (Kin Ship Goods, check'em out!) It's difficult to recover from failure, especially when few, if any, people are aware of it. That makes it even more personal, somehow.

But I've also had successes. Selling my cards in art auctions to benefit the Audubon Society of the Potomac Valley. Volunteering at the book fair at my husband's middle school every year. Helping a friend set up the flower show at the fair one year. Co-teaching a STEAM class in collaging with my mother-in-law (which wasn't a disaster, even though it showed me how much I dislike teaching). Choosing a paint color trio for the hallway walls in my home. Making ornaments that I called "totems" from random scraps for family members and everyone I worked with. Growing lavender. Making grapevine wreaths. Helping people through the difficult process of applying for benefits at my job. Holding my husband when he's having a hard time. Helping my co-worker write emails.

I'm not someone who demands leadership. But I am a capable leader.

I have defined myself by the things I am not: ambitious, driven, charismatic, sophisticated, popular, powerful. Filling folks with awe.

Maybe I need to retune my perspective. The idea that what I am can be good and beautiful is not a concept I've had a lot of experience with, as a result of religious indoctrination that took place from birth to...age 25.

Whatever, therapist. Maybe this was a good assignment.

[yggdrusill]

so one of the things that's so horrifying about birth control is that you have to, like, navigate this incredibly personal choice about your body and yet also face the epitome of misogyny. like, someone in the comments will say it wasn't that bad for me, and you'll be utterly silenced. like, everyone treats birth control like something that's super dirty. like, you have no fucking information or control over this thing because certain powerful people find it icky.

first it was the oral contraceptives. you went on those young, mostly for reasons unrelated to birth control - even your dermatologist suggested them to control your acne. the list of side effects was longer than your arm, and you just stared at it, horrified.

it made you so mentally ill, but you just heard that this was adulthood. that, yes, there are of course side effects, what did you expect. one day you looked up yasmin makes me depressed because surely this was far too intense, and you discovered that over 12,000 lawsuits had been successfully filed against the brand. it remains commonly prescribed on the open market. you switched brands a few times before oral contraceptives stopped being in any way effective. your doctor just, like, shrugged and said you could try a different brand again.

and the thing is that you're a feminist. you know from your own experience that birth control can be lifesaving, and that even when used for birth control - it is necessary healthcare. you have seen it save so many people from such bad situations, yourself included. it is critical that any person has access to birth control, and you would never suggest that we just get rid of all of it.

you were a little skeeved out by the implant (heard too many bad stories about it) and figured - okay, iud. it was some of the worst pain you've ever fucking experienced, and you did it with a small number of tylenol in your system (3), like you were getting your bikini line waxed instead of something practically sewn into your body.

and what's wild is that because sometimes it isn't a painful insertion process, it is vanishingly rare to find a doctor that will actually numb the area. while your doctor was talking to you about which brand to choose, you were thinking about the other ways you've been injured in your life. you thought about how you had a suspicious mole frozen off - something so small and easy - and how they'd numbed a huge area. you thought about when you broke your wrist and didn't actually notice, because you'd thought it was a sprain.

your understanding of pain is that how the human body responds to injury doesn't always relate to the actual pain tolerance of the person - it's more about how lucky that person is physically. maybe they broke it in a perfect way. maybe they happened to get hurt in a place without a lot of nerve endings. some people can handle a broken femur but crumble under a sore tooth. there's no true way to predict how "much" something actually hurts.

in no other situation would it be appropriate for doctors to ignore pain. just because someone can break their wrist and not feel it doesn't mean no one should receive pain meds for a broken wrist. it just means that particular person was lucky about it. it should not define treatment.

in the comments of videos about IUDs, literally thousands of people report agony. blinding, nauseating, soul-crushing agony. they say things like i had 2 kids and this was the worst thing i ever experienced or i literally have a tattoo on my ribs and it felt like a tickle. this thing almost killed me or would rather run into traffic than ever feel that again.

so it's either true that every single person who reports severe pain is exaggerating. or it's true that it's far more likely you will experience pain, rather than "just a pinch." and yet - there's nothing fucking been done about it. it kind of feels like a shrug is layered on top of everything - since technically it's elective, isn't it kind of your fault for agreeing to select it? stop being fearmongering. stop being defensive.

you fucking needed yours. you are almost weirdly protective of it. yours was so important for your physical and mental health. it helped you off hormonal birth control and even started helping some of your symptoms. it still fucking hurt for no fucking reason.

once while recovering from surgery, they offered you like 15 days of vicodin. you only took 2 of them. you've been offered oxy for tonsillitis. you turned down opioids while recovering from your wisdom tooth extraction. everything else has the option. you fucking drove yourself home after it, shocked and quietly weeping, feeling like something very bad had just happened. the nurse that held your hand during the experience looked down at you, tears in her eyes, and said - i know. this is cruelty in action.

and it's fucked up because the conversation is never just "hey, so the way we are doing this is fucking barbaric and doctors should be required to offer serious pain meds" - it's usually something around the lines of "well, it didn't kill you, did it?"

you just found out that removing that little bitch will hurt just as bad. a little pinch like how oral contraceptives have "some" serious symptoms. like your life and pain are expendable or not really important. like maybe we are all hysterical about it?

hysteria comes from the latin word for uterus, which is great!

you stand here at a crossroads. like - this thing is so important. did they really have to make it so fucking dangerous. and why is it that if you make a complaint, you're told - i didn't even want you to have this in the first place. we're told be careful what you wish for. we're told that it's our fault for wanting something so illict; we could simply choose not to need medication. that maybe if we don't like the scraps, we should get ready to starve.

we have been saying for so long - "i'm not asking you to remove the option, i'm asking you to reconsider the risk." this entire time we hear: well, this is what you wanted, isn't it?

[yggdrusill]

Thank you, Commander. 💙

[yggdrusill]

[Tweet by d2lostsector that reads:

Lance Reddick’s wife Stephanie has requested that any donations in his name be made to MOMCares, a Postpartum Doula Program to support Black mothers in the NICU who self-identify as under-supported and facing financial stressors.

Twitter do your thing ❤️ momcares.org/donate /end id]

The link:

[yggdrusill]

I love watching dvds... bc the little commercials beforehand will be like "coming to you spring 2008!" like man. I can't wait for 2008

[yggdrusill]

All Padmé Amidala’s costumes:

Because Padmé is the only fashion icon we need.

The Phantom Menace:

1. The “Negotiations with the Separatists” Dress:

2. The “Queen will not Approve” Outfit:

3. The “Space is Cold” Dress:

4. The “That’s Something I Cannot Do” Dress:

5. The “Vote of No Confidence” Dress:

6. The “I‘ve Decided to Go Back to Naboo” Dress:

7. The "I Welcome your Help” Dress:

8. The “I’m Queen Amidala” Outfit:

9. The “Peace Victory” Dress:

Attack of the Clones:

10. The “Cordé” Outfit:

11. The “Do you Have any Idea who’s Behind this Attack?” Dress:

12. The Coruscant White Nightgown:

13. The “Royal Senator” Dress:

14. The “I Don’t Like this Idea of Hiding” Dress:

15. The “You’ve Changed So Much” Dress:

16. The “Meeting with the Queen” Dress:

17. The “He’s not my Boyfriend” Dress:

A scene that never made it to final cut: Anakin and Padmé visit her family on Naboo.

18. The “I Love the Water” Dress:

19. The “You’re Making Fun of Me” Dress:

20. The “Dinner” Dress:

21. The “We’d Be Living a Lie” Dress:

22. The “Nightmare” Nightgown:

23. The “Tatooine” Cloak:

24. The “Greek Goddess” Outfit:

25. The “There are Things No one Can Fix” Dress:

26. The “I’m going to save Obi-Wan” Outfit: 

27. The “Secret Wedding” Dress:

Revenge of the Sith:

28. The Poster Dress:

This look never made it to the final cut of “Revenge of the Sith” and it was used for the poster only. 

29. The “Ani, I’m pregnant” Dress:

30. The “Ani, I want to have our baby back home on Naboo” Nightgown:

31. The “We May Be on the Wrong Side” Dress: 

32. The “I’m Not Going to Die in Childbirth, Ani” Dress:

33. The “Staring out the Window” Dress:

34. The “Attack on the Jedi Temple” Nightgown:

35. The “This is How Liberty Dies” Dress:

36. The “I don’t Believe You” Dress:

37. The “Anakin, You’re Breaking my Heart” Outfit:

38. The “Funeral” Dress:

[yggdrusill]

Fight, run, fight, run. The pattern is always the same for you. Don’t you ever get tired of it?「 DON’T YOU WANT TO ESCAPE? 」

[yggdrusill]

I just realized the other day that it's only been 10 years since I left the church and moved out on my own. I'm 36. I spent 26 years drowning in religious bullshit and a toxic family situation.

It's no wonder I have a hard time around the Christmas season.

[yggdrusill]

I feel like there just aren't any good Christmas movies. Like, actually good rather than nostalgic.

[yggdrusill]

[yggdrusill]

Gladys Knight & The Pips performing “Midnight Train To Georgia” at The 16th Annual GRAMMY Awards (1974)

[yggdrusill]

I had no idea you could decorate the dock!

[yggdrusill]

Missing my bb. He died at 2 from epilepsy. Love you always, Cairne. 💔

[yggdrusill]

Nothing more cute than kittens

(via)

[yggdrusill]

"I identify as a trans woman, or just plain woman. In everyday life, of course, it’s woman, but if people ask, I tell them I’m trans. I don’t hide it exactly, but I don’t wear it on my forehead either. The first time I realized there was something fishy going on was in second grade and we were having a school play and doing Heidi. I wanted the lead part and the teacher said, “No, that’s only for girls.” And of course I knew I was a boy, but I didn’t realize that boys couldn’t do things like that. At the age of fourteen, I was left alone in the house for a summer and went up in the attic and found some of my mother’s old clothes and discovered I enjoyed dressing in them. After college, I went abroad to Denmark and decided to try denial. You just get busy with other things and then you don’t have to worry about your identity.

I met a woman that summer, Edith, that I eventually married. After we were married for about a year and a half, I realized, “This is not working, I need to be who I am.” So I outed myself to her. In those days, of course, the only label we had for it was transvestism. By 1980, when I was forty years old, I knew I wanted to transition, but I didn’t tell Edith. Somehow I got wind, I think through a television show, that if you wanted to transition you are required to get a divorce first. They didn’t want to foster lesbian couples being married legally. So, I wasn’t going to do that. I was too much in love. The two of us were married altogether forty-six years. So I waited, and then in 1993, she found out she had cancer. Of course, then I knew that this was not a time to transition. She died in 2008. I came out publicly as transgender in 2012.

After Edith died, I was alone here in the house. It just got empty, very empty, very fast. And so I knew I needed to do something. I met Stephanie, a transgender woman, at the Emerald City Social Club. She was homeless at the time, so I said, “Why don’t you move in?” And then we started taking in other girls, too. Since then, I’ve had over thirty girls go through the house at one time or another, some for shorter periods, others for longer periods. I think it’s a worthwhile effort. I’m trying to give people a little bit of safe space and respite from the anxieties of homelessness.

As you grow old, you fear the unknown. You can end up needing care. By inviting people to come stay with me, I have someone to at least look after me on a daily basis and make sure that I’m not falling through the cracks. This whole house has served in some ways as a model because, as far as I know, it’s the first trans house. The model is simple: if you can, open your house to others. As I say, we don’t have a homeless problem, we have a hospitality problem. We can still be effective doing what we can even if we regret it’s not enough."

Amy, 77, Seattle, WA, 2016

[yggdrusill]

“A TERF is a white supremacist whose gateway to white supremacy is anti-trans bigotry, instead of anti-Semitism or anti-Blackness or anti-migration or misogyny. As with any gateway, many people engaging in this ideology may not be aware of their proximity to white supremacy. This is the standard radicalization pathway that we have seen over and over and over with, for example, anti-Islamic sentiment. Personally, [I] find it is most comparable to how anti-Semitism gateways are used. Often, we see white supremacists exploiting legitimate grievances with the financial systems by turning into an anti-Semitic issue. White supremacists take legitimately frustrated and class-oppressed people’s anger at banks, and carefully plant the seeds of anti-Semitism. They’ll point out the irrefutable fact that there exist Jewish people in executive positions in banking and vilely twist this. TERFs take a legitimate grievance: patriarchal oppression of women and homophobia and turn it into a movement based on systematic exclusion of a specific class of people. This is the redpill. [We] need to stop the good-faith engagements with their ideology and start treating it like the gateway to white supremacy that it is.”

— Emily Gorcenski, Source: https://twitter.com/EmilyGorcenski/status/1088180524504571908

[yggdrusill]

If that is what she wants.