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yeetmeoutthewindowdaddy · 5 days ago

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The Past - A Halsin fic

This fic is almost 4k words so officially the most I've written in over a year. This has to do with the openness of the relationship with Halsin. As a poly person myself in two very happy relationships, I just wanted to explore a different approach to the relationship in this.

This is mostly angst by the way. Ye be warned. This is also mostly not edited so ye be warned about that too lol

Enjoy!

The day started like any other. Deep in what was now called Thaniel's Realm, as nature started to heal and people started to return to the once cursed lands, everything was just…normal.

A group of druids had been working on a way to shift the grounds back to normal and close the numerous chasms that had sprung up during the curse. Halsin was often with them as they all pulled their knowledge and power. Nothing had worked yet but they weren't giving up.

You spent most of your days near what used to be Moonrise Tower. The tower itself had been torn down and repurposed to build housing. Half of it was magic, half was just hard work. Your powers often were completely depleted by time you crawled back to bed, but you never regretted the choice you made to join Halsin.

Most days, the two of you rarely saw each other more than in passing. At least until night fell. No matter what duties called, the two of you always went to bed together. Sometimes neither of you could string a sentence together from exhaustion and could only offer a tired smile before you both collapsed into the very large bed. Sometimes the two of you would tear at each other's clothes in an effort to remind yourselves that you had survived those dark times. And sometimes the two of you would simply curl up together and talk until either you fell asleep or the sun rose once more.

It was normal for you both.

The brief break that the reunion offered had been a welcome one. To see your companions and hear how they had thrived after the defeat of the elder brain brought you a sense of wonder and happiness. Being in that camp again felt like a mixture of leaving home and returning home all at once.

But the reunion was over and the next one was not planned for another six months, so you focused on the present.

The old House of Healing had been torn down and the new one was being built. You had learned some spells from Shadowheart so while the new House of Healing was being built, you often found yourself in the makeshift healer's hut to offer whatever help you could. Druids and clerics alike worked on the people who came through and you did what you were able to assist them.

It was in that hut that you heard the news.

“Did you see who arrived in the newest wave of people to relocate? The druid Winona.”

The name caught your attention but you didn't look up from the broken arm you were mending as you listened to the two gossiping druids.

“Winona? Here? I guess that makes sense seeing as how Halsin is here.”

That made your hands pause the ministrations but you quickly went back to work before the wounded man noticed.

“They were together for a decade. Of course she would relocate here. She had to know how much this land meant to him.”

That was why the name was familiar. One night you and Halsin had talked briefly about past loves. You did not have many but with his age, he had had a few. Not just lovers, of which you assumed there were even more, but actual loves that had stirred his heart the way he had said you had.

Winona had been one of those loves. He had mentioned her, but you tried to wrack your mind about what he had said.

She was a druid. She had traveled through the grove and had stayed for a while. The two of them had had a deep connection but it had fizzled out.

You weren't sure you would consider a decade to be something that would fizzle out, but what did you know. Halsin was your longest relationship.

The broken arm mended, you went over to the rows of poultices and salves and did a quick count. While you did that, you caught more of the gossip.

“I heard he wrote to her,” said one of them as she wrapped some gauze around a young woman's arm. “Told her the land was healed and asked her to visit.”

“That makes sense. He should be proud of what he accomplished.”

Your fingers slipped on a jar of salve but it didn't break when it hit the table. You winced as you straightened it, but no one in the room paid you any mind.

Why should they. It wasn't like you helped heal the lands of the shadowcurse. It wasn't like you defended the portal with all your might while Halsin went to the Shadowfell to retrieve Thaniel. It wasn't like you fought by Halsin's side to convince Oliver to rejoin Thaniel. It wasn't like you fought Ketheric Thorm under Moonrise Tower and then fought the avatar of Myrkul itself.

A thread of bitterness washed through you. In some places your name was said with reverence. You were considered a hero. Even here in Thaniel's Realm so many people knew that you had fought with all you had to end the curse and heal the land. Hells, Oliver and Thaniel were often seen by your side since you made them feel comfortable and safe. It shouldn't bother you that these two gossiping druids were overlooking your contributions.

Except that wasn't what the bitterness was tied to. Ordinarily, if you had heard that statement, you wouldn't have batted an eye. Halsin should be proud of all he did to save the lands. You were proud of him. That wasn't the problem.

The problem was that these druids had erased your contributions in order to make Halsin the hero…for his old love.

A coldness gripped your insides. A sensation you had believed yourself to be beyond slowly crept up your spine and lodged itself at the back of your skull.

Jealousy.

When you and Halsin had gotten together, he had been open with the fact that the relationship you had wasn't actually a relationship at all. The two of you shared love and a life, yes, but it wasn't monogamous. He had told you to share your love with whoever you wanted.

But there wasn't anyone else that you wanted.

The conversation came to you in waves. He had said his heart didn't stir often but it had stirred for you. That he wanted only you but wanted you to be free to love.

Later, after the elder brain and the tadpoles were all gone, he had tried to talk you out of joining him to Thaniel's Realm. He suggested you go to the Underdark to help Astarion or Waterdeep to visit Gale or stay in Baldur's Gate to assist in the rebuilding. When you told him that you wanted to help him, wanted to help Thaniel's Realm, he seemed happy to have you join him.

Now everything was colored in jealousy and insecurity. Perhaps he wanted his freedom from you. Maybe the feelings you had brought out of him were only there because of the intensity of the situation.

Had things been different between the two of you? You didn't think so. There was an easy affection between the two of you. Laughter came easy, as did deep conversations. Both of you poured yourselves into the land and seemed to rejoice together as the land healed. It all seemed so…normal.

When Halsin had told you that he only wanted you but that he wanted you to be able to love others if you wished, you hadn't said it but you knew that your heart was his and only his. You never looked down on Halsin for being open to others, but perhaps that was because it was just a potential in your mind. Not a guarantee.

Maybe it was because you assumed that if his heart stirred in the future, it would be someone new. You would feel secure in your place because you would have a past with him.

Now you were faced with a reality. You were the someone new. Sure, Halsin wasn't with Winona at the time you met him, but they had a past together. History.

And you knew that history was doomed to repeat itself.

“Oh, speak of the devils,” came a soft whisper from one of the druids which caused you to snap your head up.

Halsin was coming down the way with a beautiful woman at his side. He was talking with his hands, gesturing to the building that was being worked on and then the hut that you were in. The woman laughed at something that was said and placed her hand on Halsin's forearm as she made a grand sweeping gesture. It earned a laugh from Halsin in return.

There was a comfort in the two of them that you could see from this distance. A familiarity. History.

You quietly said the incantation for dimension door and stepped through the blue light. You came out on the other side close to Last Light Inn. As the light faded behind you, you closed your eyes and counted to twenty. Then to fifty. Then to one hundred.

Once your heart was steady, you walked towards the doors of the inn. It was bustling with energy and the girl at the front smiled wide at you when she noticed you.

“Aren't you a sight for sore eyes! What can we do for you?”

You bit your lip as you looked around but you didn't see any of the people who were helping you rebuild the area. It was just people who had relocated to the land once news of the curse breaking had spread.

“I need a room,” you said quietly.

“Oh of course. We can give you a key now and then give Master Halsin a key when he gets here.”

Because the two of you had stayed there together a few times over the last few months. A way to get away from the responsibilities that hung over you both.

You didn't have the heart to tell her that Halsin wouldn't be joining you this time. That the reason you were there without any of your belongings was because you couldn't bear the thought of going to the cabin you shared with Halsin and getting them. The mere thought of looking at the bed you shared with the man every night and knowing it would be someone else in there with him made your stomach twist.

Instead you gave her a small smile and accepted the key. Before you headed upstairs you paid for two bottles of wine and some food to be brought to the room once it was ready. Then you made your way upstairs.

It was going to be a long night but you didn't plan on sleeping. No, you needed to think.

A quill, a pot of ink, and some parchment had been located in one of the dresser drawers in the room you had rented. You balanced a book that had been left from a previous guest on your knees as you tried to write your thoughts down.

The way you saw it, you only had so many options at this point.

You could tell Halsin you were not comfortable with his being with other people. With either of you being with other people. That was low on your list of options. It didn't seem fair of you to agree to the terms of the relationship at first and then, at the first sight of those terms coming to fruition, to try to negotiate them away. It also wasn't fair to ask Halsin to deny himself. He felt called to that way of life and who were you to ask him to change.

You could pretend to be okay with it. With Winona or anyone who came later. Perhaps in time you would actually learn to be okay with it and it wouldn't always be pretend. That option wasn't the best but it was better than trying to force Halsin to do something he didn't want to.

The last option you could think of was to leave. To admit to Halsin that you could not live the way he lived and love the way he loves. Your heart was his but you realized that perhaps you were not okay with sharing his heart with others. That option hurt to think about, but it made the most sense.

You would miss Halsin if you left. You would miss the people here, miss the land. These months of you pouring your magic and heart and soul into the lands made you feel like you had found home, but you couldn't imagine staying if things ended with Halsin.

Somewhere between the first and second bottle of wine, you tried to write a letter to Halsin to explain your thoughts and motives to leave. You owed him an explanation but you weren't sure you could give it to him in person. If you had to look at his understanding face and tell him that you couldn't stand to share him when that is what he had offered to start with…

It would break your heart all over again.

There was a dip in the mattress. You frowned as you rolled toward it a bit, smacking your lips to clear up some of the cotton mouth from the wine. You must have fallen asleep.

How long had you slept?

Your eyes opened and you looked over to the window. No light so it was still night time. As you started to yawn and stretch, your hand smacked into something warm and hard.

The distance between where your eyes were looking and where your hand had hit wasn't very far but it felt like it took years for you to turn and see what was beside you.

Halsin sat in the bed, his casual clothes on instead of his usual druid garb. He was even positioned in the middle of the bed which explained the dip in the mattress.

Just as you started to ask how long he had been there, or how he knew you were there to begin with, you noticed what was in his hands. The multiple pieces of parchment that bore your scrawled thoughts and emotions. On top was the letter you had started to compose before you had passed out.

“I…”

“Your penmanship while inebriated is to be commended. I can read every word as clearly as if you had spoken them.”

Your eyes shut. Slowly you pulled yourself into a seated position. You had tossed off your robes at some point so you were just in your underwear. Although he had seen you in far less, you gave in to the urge to tug the blanket up a bit to cover yourself.

He noticed. His eyes barely flicked over to you before he looked back at the letter.

“This letter sounds a lot like you weren't even going to face me before you left me.”

The burn in your stomach might have been the alcohol or it might have been shame.

“I thought it would be easier…”

“Easier for you to just disappear? For me to not know where you are, if you're safe? To not give me the courtesy of an explanation in person?”

Fists clenched and eyes wide despite the tears gathering, you nodded stiffly.

“If I had to go to the cottage and see…you with…I couldn't handle that. And I would be fine on my own, I've done it before.”

Halsin tossed the papers to the floor as he stood up and crossed the room. He stared out of the window for a moment before he shook his head.

“You think that I would bring someone else into the bed I share with you? That I would dishonor you that way.”

You blinked away a few tears and took the reprieve from his attention to grab your robe. It took a few tries to get it on and you knew the buttons were beyond hope but this way you felt a bit more like yourself.

It hadn't occurred to you that Halsin wouldn’t bring Winona, or anyone else for that matter, to the cottage. You expected he would since that was his home too. Instead he would have to take them either to a campsite in the woods or…

Your throat closed up as you looked to the door of the room you were in. Had he come to the inn and when he asked for a room, the girl told him that you were here?

“I think I'm going to be sick.”

It wasn't just the idea that he had come here to be with Winona. Honestly it was the boiling emotions and anxiety and alcohol. You leaned over and put your head between your knees and tried to breathe.

“In through your nose, out through your mouth. Slowly.”

A caring, gentle hand pressed between your shoulder blades. You took a few deep breaths the way he coached you until you felt a bit more calm.

“I brought Winona to the hut to meet you. The druids there said you had dimension doored away. When you weren't at the cottage, I could only think that you might have come here. Though I could not fathom why until…”

Until he came into the room, saw you drunkenly passed out, and read the papers you'd left strewn about the bed where you declared yourself unable to share him the way he needed.

The reality came crashing back to you. Whether or not he had come here with Winona, whether or not the two of them were going to rekindle their love, this was inevitable. You could no more share Halsin with someone else than you could live with your heart outside of your body.

When you sat up, Halsin slowly moved to sit beside you. You turned your head so as not to be looking at him, but it brought your eyes to the window he had peered out of before. The sky was dark but there was a hint of light. And you could see the edge of the area where he had created the portal to go to the Shadowfell to save Thaniel.

“I really thought I could do it. I thought that nothing else would matter as long as I knew I had you. That whatever came after that, whoever came after that, it would be enough that I had part of you. But this…hearing about Winona and your decade long love affair and you writing to her to come see what you've accomplished, I realized that I can't do it. I can't be okay with sharing you. I can't lie with you and hear you call me sweet names and know that you use those same names with someone else. That your hands, your lips, will be on them. That while you take up the whole of my heart, I will never take up the whole of yours.”

You sniffled as you realized you were saying everything you had written down and then some. But there were things you didn't get to write down and you needed to say those as well.

“I would never ask you to change for me. I would never ask you to give up your happiness for mine. But I also cannot ask myself to sacrifice my heart and watch you be with someone else. That is why the only option is for me to leave. To let you find love the way you need and for me to…well. To try to get over you.”

Halsin didn't speak. His eyes held a wealth of emotion but none were so easy to grasp. While you never had a mental connection with Halsin like you did with your tadpoled companions, you still thought you had a good grasp on reading his emotions. Now you felt like you were meeting him for the first time all over again.

Less goblins this time at least.

“One of the things that always pulled me towards nature is the fact that nature is adaptable and fluid. It grows and changes with time. What is constant now may not be constant in the future.”

The hollow feeling in your stomach widened.

“If that is your way of saying that I'll get over you or you'll get over me or that this was only temporary, I'll–”

“I would never belittle our connection as such. Our connection is more than words. Like nature it has grown and changed with time, but not in the way that it has decreased.” Halsin inhaled deeply and reached out for your hands. “I once mentioned the hope that we would grow roots together and I believe I was prophetic. More than healing these lands, we have built roots in ourselves. My love for you has grown roots to the core of my being. There is no part of me that is not consumed by you, by us.”

Emotions threatened to claw your throat out but you swallowed them down. You needed to be in control, be aware.

“What are you saying Halsin?”

“I asked Winona to come here to help with the lands because she is an accomplished druid, yes, but also because she is an Archdruid and I wanted her to perform a bonding ceremony for you and I.”

The inn could have exploded and you weren't sure you would have noticed. Although not a druid yourself, you had bore witness to a bonding ceremony in your time since the elder brain. It was the druid’s form of marriage, something that signified their love and commitment to each other in front of their kin and Silvanus.

“A bonding…but. Bears.”

You were beyond sentences but you got the words out and hoped he understood.

“Yes, bears,” he replied with a laugh. “It is not their nature to mate for life but despite my connection to them through nature itself, I am not a bear.”

You chuckled a bit and looked down at his large hands wrapped around yours.

“If nature is fluid and you have turned to this view, you could still turn back. I think that would hurt worse.”

To have him to yourself only to lose him? It would destroy you in a way you did not think you couldn't recover from.

One of his hands went to your chin to tilt your face up so that he could meet your eyes.

“I would not entertain the idea of a bonding ceremony if I did not know I was capable of committing. More than capable, it is what I want. I hesitated to bring it up to you because of the way our relationship started. I wasn't sure if the openness was something you wanted.”

You blinked away a few tears as you pondered that. The idea that Halsin had been uncertain and hesitant to bring something of this magnitude up to you was surprising, but perhaps it shouldn't have been. Just because of his size and age and general aura, didn't mean he was impenetrable.

“Can I kiss you?”

“I was hoping you would ask. Please, my heart,” he replied as he gently pulled you in for a kiss.

The future was uncertain in many ways but you were at least certain that you would have Halsin with you. With that, you could do anything.

“We should…I’d like to meet Winona.”

Halsin laughed and pulled you in for another kiss.

“And so you shall, but not tonight. Tonight we have this room together and we are going to take that time to commit ourselves to each other once more.”

You had nothing to add except a large smile as you tugged him down on top of you.

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