yassidabrat

[yassidabrat]

[yassidabrat]

I’m going to act a fool

[yassidabrat]

Yesterday I told my mom sometimes I don’t think she likes me as a person and she’s like no of course I like you the today I’m having a rough day and don’t want to talk about my feelings and she said “ whatever that’s why I don’t venbtry “ and I’m just sitting in my room crying bc she was really not meant to be a mom and I’m scared I’ll be like her

[yassidabrat]

Ultraviolence (2014) Lana Del Rey

[yassidabrat]

Now it’s the “ what’s wrong “ I really needed you and we barely communicated. You want me to open up to you but this is how you going about it ?

We’ve barely spoken in 2 days . I’ve seen this film before and the ending really hurts . I don’t do well w rejection but it’s not like we just talking that’s my man . This is why I didn’t want to date anymore bc I’m not good enough

[yassidabrat]

We’ve barely spoken in 2 days . I’ve seen this film before and the ending really hurts . I don’t do well w rejection but it’s not like we just talking that’s my man . This is why I didn’t want to date anymore bc I’m not good enough

[yassidabrat]

My man is being kinda distant the last 2 days and idk why. There it is again that funny feeling sinking in

[yassidabrat]

[yassidabrat]

[yassidabrat]

4:30am venting : ever si ce I regained like 40 or 50 pounds my body dysmorphia is really really bad . I’m in a relationship for the first time in my life and I feel like when we go out people will think “ damn she just have a good personality “ I feel so ugly in comparison to his exes and just other women. It makes me feel like less of a woman kinda like the one thing I’m supposed to do is drip and ooze pure feminine( not everyone I enjoy being very hyper fem you may do as you please judgement free zone ! :) ) he always reassured me that I was almost made to be a him he enjoys every part of me but that’s thing w body dysmorphia is no matter how many time you say it I feel disgusting

I don’t even feel worthy of direct eye contact I don’t want to be looked at . I didn’t delete all my pictures on IG or start posting way less on tiktok for a “ re launch “ I hate looking at myself for too long and I also didn’t enjoy watching me get more and more gross . ALSO I WANT TO BE CLEAR THERE IS NOTHING WRONG OR GROSS ABOUT GAINING WEIGHT / YOUR BODY CHANGING ! It’s just taking some getting used to. I have no energy ever so when I do go to the gym I can’t do a lot bc I’m always so tired. I also bc this is my first relationship and I don’t reallly talk about my feelings w him bc I feel like I’m annoying but idk how to tell him w him thinking he’s not doing enough bc he goes above and beyond.

None of my clothes fit and bc I was unemployed for a year bc I went to school I couldn’t afford to buy new clothes the year my body decided to regain 40 pounds. I physically can’t get a single one of my pants that has zippers or buttons I can only wear leggings and sweat pants again there’s nothing wrong w gaining weight I’m just very uncomfortable in my body

I just look in the mirror ( very very rarely) and sob sometimes bc I hate every part of myself from my mannerisms, my voice , my teeth , my hair , my boobs , the way I’m annoying and can’t shut up I hate everything about me idk what to do. I try to treat and take care of myself but at least 2x a week I cry about how I look. I hate my face I haven’t looked at myself in prob 3 days besides on videos I record for tiktok and it’s in dim lighting and I look awful. I hate feeling this way I don’t even feel worthy of the love he’s trying to give me I feel like a bad partner and ungrateful when I promise I’m not. Moral of it I’m just sad , really sad. So if y’all don’t really see me besides on Twitter or in comment sections it’s bc I just don’t want anyone to really look at me tbh. And if you do see me it will only be with makeup on from now on. Lashes at the least love y’all but I have to feel like myself

[yassidabrat]

I work with a lot of yt people and they just ne talking about anything but I be so high they sound like penuts adults womp womp

[yassidabrat]

[yassidabrat]

2023 is:

Regular facials, manis, pedis, massages, Brazilian waxes, lash lifts. Glowing skin. Glowy makeup. Fluffy curls. Microshaded brows. Laser hair removal. Veneers. Intoxicating perfumes. Shopping. Diamonds. Designer bags. Credit card rewards. International travel. Networking. Career certifications. Investing more. Brunch with the girls. Picnics. Farmers markets. Art galleries. Museums. Fresh flowers. Silk scarves. Big sunglasses. Beautiful lingerie. Silk robes. Receiving lots of gifts. Lots of sunlight. Hot yoga. Nature hikes. Tennis lessons. Green smoothies. Candles that smell expensive. Sleeping 8+ hours a night. Bubble baths. Studying foreign languages. Absorbing as much knowledge as I can. Book clubs. Pottery classes. Cooking with fresh herbs, vegetables, and spice. Champagne. Charcuterie & bruschetta. Gelato. Fresh bread. Ocean air. Hugging my loved ones. Pet cat. Giving lots of gifts. Journaling. Meditating. Gratitude. Volunteering. Donating to charity. Manners. Etiquette. Charisma. Therapy. Healthy boundaries. Radical personal responsibility. Positivity. Self care. Abundant love.

[yassidabrat]

[yassidabrat]

[yassidabrat]

[yassidabrat]

I’d really like to d!3 but it keeps not working sorry if this is triggering I just don’t want to be alive anymore .