yasmeentan-blog

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10 weeks

Today, my babies are exactly 10 weeks in the womb. Syukur alhamdulillah that we have made it this far because honestly, i am not really sure how far can we go and how strong am i going to cope with all of these.

Morning sickness is still being a bitch. Up to date, ive lost 6kg. I cant really have a meal with a peace of mind. Im scared of food. Im scared how it will turn out to vomit later. I even cry at times at the thought of food. But my husband never give up. He's the one who pushes me to eat and bought me food. I really dont know what i would do in life without him. I seriously think that i would die without him in my life.

With all of the family problems that we are currently facing, i cant deny that there were points of life that i decided to give up everything. Even to the extend of giving up my unborrn babies. But Allah only gives the strongest battles to his strongest soldiers. I believe that this is a part of Allah's tests. To increase my patience. To increase my faith. To blame and give up my unborn babies is certainly not fair for them.

My unborn babies deserve a chance to live. Deserve a chance to see their parents. Deserve a chance to see their kakak Firhah who is patiently waiting for them to grow in my womb. For every hardship that im currently facing now, i know that there are many others who are dying to be in my shoes. With that, i should step back and be thankful to Allah for His rezeki.

May Allah grant me the strength to work hard in spite of the pregnancy. May Allah grant me the strength for a smooth delivery when the time has come. Amin amin.

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I'm trying

Everyday feels like a slow and torturous death for me. Last night was one of the worst nights in my life. Woke up at 3am, vomitted twice with a throbbing headache. I thought i could sleep it off but i was so wrong. Ate panadol and it did calm me down a little. But i couldn't sleep at all from 3am till now, 7am+.

Everyday i feel like death is coming nearer and nearer. I feel like a fast death is too easy for me hence, the misery that im facing now everyday. I tried my best to think positive. I tried my best to tell myself that my babies are healthy and thriving. But no matter how positive i could get, the hormones are controlling me, taking over my body and my brain. I overthink. In my head, there are nonsensical scenarios that i imagined.

Of course there's none other person in the world that i share all of my feelings other than my husband. I share with him everything literally. With my crazy hormones, i started to say things that are out of the world. I even suspected him having an affair. His response was always cold but reassuring. He often said that im full of nonsense. I accept that. I tried to put myself in his shoes, dealing with a sick pregnant wife and a 3 year old after a tiring day of work. That is indeed very tiring.

But sometimes i wish he could use better words to acknowledge my feelings. And the last thing an overly-sensitive pregnant woman wants to hear from her own husband is, "you're just too over sensitive!"

I know that i am overly-sensitive. But that's the last thing that i want him to do. To rub it all over my face. My heart hurts.

And for him to think that every conversation that i started means thst i'm trying to start an argument, he's wrong. I can still accept feedback. I can still accept any inputs. All he needs to do is be extra reasonable. State out the facts. There's no need to throw all of my ideas aside and labelled it as nonsense.

Sigh. Im still trying. Im still trying to be a good wife. Im still trying to be a good mother. Im still trying to cope with my morning sickness which last the whole day. Im still trying to look things positively. Im still trying.

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9 Weeks 1 day

I'm lost. I'm sad. I think im on the edge of depression. The vomitting, it doesnt stop. One day it would subside and gave me hope. The next day it went full force again. Im exhausted. I thought 3 years is enough to make me strong all over again to face my second pregnancy.

I thought hey, second pregnancy maybe it would all be different you know. I thought, 3 years is enough of a break. Time to get pregnant all over again.

But then, week 6 of pregnancy kicked in and that's the beginning of every single nightmare and phobia that my husband and i used to have. 18 times. Yes. I vomitted for 18 times on that very day and only Allah knows how much i was really really suffering. Nothing goes in stays very long. Even water.

The next few days, I was heavily dehydrated and went to the hospital to be dripped. The following week, I felt a little back to myself even though i was still vomitting but it was manageable.

Come 8 weeks. Thats when my world started to fall apart. Lying down was all i could do and my body was shaking, nothing could go into my system, i felt like the whole process was like an exorcism to me. I dont feel myself. I feel like somebody vicious is trying to take control over my body. I couldnt even bring myself to pee. I made the right decision to go the hospital. The doctor and nurse told me i was very dehydrated and i had to be admitted.

I thought i was finally going to be okay until i had to be warded in a 6 bedder ward. With my constant nausea and vomitting, the last thing i want to see is strangers and many people and hearing a lot of noises. Even the drip and anti vomitting drip were working, i couldnt sleep. I couldnt rest properly. A part of me wanted to shout and tell everyone to shut up. A part of me wanted to run away and go home.

After 2 excruciating nights, I begged the doctor to let me go home. I miss my daughter and husband dearly. Most importantly, i miss the serenity at home. Once i reached home again, the vicious part of me was unleashed and i threw up almost everything in my body.

Now, at 9 weeks. Im still the same. Vomitted 4 times today. I still feel like shit. I just want this misery to end. I am so guilty of not spending quality time with my daughter. And i am so guilty of not being able to be close to my husband. I pray and pray that Allah will end my misery soon. Even though I know that im having a healthy pregnancy, but i just want to be normal. A human.

Please ya Allah. Please make it all better i beg you.