xxdawninwonderlandxx

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

I can't do this anymore. He has new ones. I'm alone. I'm worth nothing. I can't fucking do this. I can't

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

Need to take a shower B4 severely sh. No Friends available rn. I hate her, him, myself. Can't think. D34th

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

I'm the only one who is alone. You're just breaking my heart

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

Everyone got someone

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

I love you. But I don't mean enough to any of you

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

My mind is broken. I don't understand

I hurt so badly. I love you. I'm never enough.

I think I'm not gonna be here soon. None of us will.

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

@theadapter we both know I'm loosing the battle of Life. These lyrics remind me of you.

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

It hurts sm. I was replaceable from the beginning.

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

He admitted that I am this way s3xu4lly bc of him. Wow

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

No you can't wake me. I'll stay in this daydream forever.

The school is ... Pastel?

So much fun. Magic is in the air.

We're creative.

Ane is here, somewhere. I refuse to let go. It's so peaceful here. So beautiful. I feel a bit foggy, or is it the world? Look, there are fairies everywhere! Let me forget and become one with the wind.

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

I just want things to end. I feel like I can't do this anymore

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

I feel so stupid... I'm trying to keep telling myself that things will be alright. That I got this. I hate that everything is crashing in on me. So far we've always made it, smh. And I usually don't allow emotions too close to me, since it leads to uncontrollable situations. But I just broke down rn. I feel like protecting the system while managing everything else is just... A lot.

When I had therapy last wednesday, I did talk about some things. Things that my father said last Sunday, things my mother did when I was very young. He confirmed that manipulation and conditioning happens in the same place within the brain. And that the current situation is def able to cause the entire system to get wrecked, incl 6 subsystems (not sure if I know of all tho..) which is just... Great.

The system bombarded our prev host w like 90% of the trauma that we didn't remember. While loosing the person they loved the most and feeling betrayed by those who should have protected us as a child and the intense pressure from everywhere (incl smo who tried to commit and several deaths in the past year, debt etc) they couldn't take it any longer. The system went black. Nothing was left. Just the constant fight against a pr0gr4mm3d part, the dark persecutors and a new part that appeared like an angel during the darkness. This alter said, that our prev host wouldn't have to die alone (our body shut down and we suffered another heart attack during this time) but that they would stay with them until it was over. So our system prepared to die. Whatever was left anyway.

We didn't die. Our heart is permanently damaged and might give out at any time, but we're not dead.

The person you guys knew as Nyx split into a handful of very confused parts. Me, Dawn, I'm what didn't split off. Acid, not sure of their purpose ngl. We're both very rational tho. Bow, a middle. Selma, a little. Spill, a persecutor. I don't think about what I'm doing. I protect, and I just continue moving. Resting mentally is too dangerous.

But even I have feelings. Even tho I come across as angry a lot. I don't want al of this to go badly. I want to secure a livable life. I know what we need to archive. But it's so fucking painful.

I tell myself that I'm numb. That I can't feel the pain. And it works to an extent. I wait, semi patiently. I work for things. I try to understand as quickly as I can.

I need to fix our life so much, that we'll be able to exist in semi peace.

And also .. Protection. I hope that mf dies a painful death. By now I know he knows. And if he's laying hand on me ever again, he'll regret it. Deeply. I chopped off another alters hand, and attacked them with an ex. (had they fronted... We wouldn't be around no more) I cut people out, I stopped trusting, I have a semi organized day, I won't ever forget nor forgive.

My father molested me since I was 2 years old. My mother didn't do anything. Everyone else didn't do anything. My mother wanted to "lift the curse" and so I was forced to partake in rituals.

You created the monster you claim destroys everything.

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

I need you so much... I'm trying to not give feelings etc any room whatsoever. But ... I still love you. I'll love you till the end.

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

I'm 16.. this body feels wrong. The time and year feels wrong. I'm wrong. The world is just.. wrong.

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

He's lying. He must be fucking lying.

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

The time isn't right yet. But it has to be right at some point. I can't fight it much longer. Smt is brainwashing us further. I'm always gonna be of service.

[xxdawninwonderlandxx]

Mirror, Mirror...

I wish your warped reflection could make the life I want come true. I wish that I could be a loving partner, a parent, work at a job I like. I wish, I didn't have to turn everything down. I wish my brain was not the way it is. Why can't your reflection be real? Why do I have to chase it with drugs, so that I can at least not be hurting all the time?

Mirror, Mirror..

Please let me find some peace. It doesn't even have to be for long.