xvoidxc - Tumblr blog

[xvoidxc]

I'm just so tired of being here

(These are my poems, my dms and ask are always open)

[xvoidxc]

[xvoidxc]

The saddest thing is if I kill myself it wouldn’t be considered murder. Even if I wrote my abusers names on the note. It’s their fault if I die. They’ve already killed me. If I killed myself I would just be finishing off the job.

[xvoidxc]

All I want for my birthday is to forget you

[xvoidxc]

Trauma comes in so many waves. One day you’ll be scared of them one day you can’t stop thinking of killing them. One day maybe you’ll think you’ll miss him. One day you’ll be so angry because it’s so unfair. It is unfair. It’s unfair that people don’t see what he’s done to you. It’s unfair that he’s making new friends. It’s unfair that he has a job and you’re rotting away, missing years of your life. It’s unfair he seems like he doesn’t feel bad for what he did. It’s unfair he’s still manipulating you in some way. Still controlling you in some way. I’ve been through periods of dealing with different traumas, and all of them at once. They all seem to link up in some way, as if trauma is a path I had to take. My rapist and my abusive ex are best friends now. One day I’ll be better one day theyll get what’s coming. I promise It will be better. But for now I need some more Valium

[xvoidxc]

Ya know guys ur aloud to think about killing people that abused you and it doesn’t make you a bad person and I understand how horrible it is to wake up each morning and not be able to cope without thinking of beating him up

[xvoidxc]

Started having to take my diazepam in the morning because murder on my mind

[xvoidxc]

someday you will rot like im rotting

and if im not already dead by then

i will breathe again

[xvoidxc]

[xvoidxc]

I’m not an adult I’m a child I thought I had my child in me killed but now I’m an adult I feel so vulnerable I feel so small I feel so unsafe. Older men still scare me, I’m still scared they want me as if I’m a child, the thought that I’m an adult scares me because people don’t want to protect me anymore, I’m not even with the adult mental health services because I never bothered to transfer from the children’s because I’m a fucking child and I can’t do anything I l can’t do it I can’t live I can’t do it I can’t cope

[xvoidxc]

Don’t eat starve yourself you need to be slowly dying I don’t want you to be ok I want you do be bleeding why aren’t you bleeding you should be no one can see any of the pain you feel everyone thinks you’re fine everyone things your over reacting I think you should bleed and starve I think people may realise maybe you jus want people to feel sorry for you maybe that’s ok maybe that’s what you need maybe you just need someone to care about you or say yeah I realise you’re fucking crazy because everyone seems to think you’re fine right? Maybe it’s caus you put on a smile all the time like what do you expect are you really going to go around showing your wrists and not wearing baggy clothing so people can’t see how much weight you’ve lost like seriously do you want help or do you not ? Like seriously you’re trying to attention seek but you’re not? You’re hiding everhing like you don’t know if you want help or if you want to keep drowning in the pain, like really how are you? I’m sorry

[xvoidxc]

How can I tell if I’m overreacting or if my trauma is valid, how can I tell my emotions are valid or aloud to be spoken how can I tell if o can message my abuser this message, like does he realise how much trauma he’s put on me or will he just laugh, why do I care so much ? Why do I care about my abuser, why do I care so much about my abuser why do I miss him why do I want him why why why why why did I trust him he was the one that I trusted he was the one who knew my trauma and was supposed to save me why why why did he add to it why did he do that why did he say that why is my head to messed up

[xvoidxc]

I’m drunk and I’m actually emotional drunk instead of angry emotionless and wow

[xvoidxc]

I can picture the cut I want to do in my head I think I’m going to do it and I haven’t done it in years

[xvoidxc]

I can’t tell if I’m over reacting or if My abuser is really just so horrible that it makes me want to die

[xvoidxc]

I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO KILL MYSELF I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO KILL MYSELF

[xvoidxc]

My brain feels like it’s splitting

I get so angry sometimes

At how broken it feels

I hit myself on my head

I know it makes it worse

But I cant help myself

My brain is broken