xomikayla-blog1

[xomikayla-blog1]

BLOG DISCUSSION

Perry-Washington, Mikayla

ENG 1301

Professor Robert Lunday

September 22, 2018

Growing Up

     My name is Mikayla Perry, eighteen-year old student and not much else. Although my life is barely just getting started, I still have a mouthful of a story I could tell about my childhood. From an Alcohol addicted father to abandonment issues, growing up was not always easy, especially as a black young lady. It was always “You are so pretty for a black girl!” or “Your hair is so long for a black girl!” Being only twelve or thirteen years old, it never resonated to me that those truly were not compliments. I was used to being the “black girl”. Still to this day, stereotypical jokes are told to make me laugh by other races. They are never funny. I do not know if others see them as offensive, but they for sure are not entertainment. The obvious “Dang girl, calm down!” although my tone barely has barely elevated, is a common one. Or the “You two look alike!” because the color of our skin is the same. We share no resemblance. I look nothing like this girl. What makes us look alike?

           If it were not already bad enough to be stereotyped in Intermediate school, I struggled a lot with dealing with my appearance. It was always the other girls over me, I felt. What makes her so much prettier than me? Is it because her curly hair is down her back and she can speak Spanish? It was always something. I got so used to counting myself out before anyone else could to save myself the hurt and embarrassment. I have always been a very sensitive person and the SLIGHTEST snarky comment could have me in tears. My self-esteem was not where it should have been, and I never considered myself to be the “It” girl. I was always just in the background, floating. My friends were always the prettier favorites, and I was always just used to being Mikayla. It eventually took a toll on me mentally. I got so used to being alone that company no longer excited me. I was the “nerd’’. I enjoyed reading, and most definitely my video games. I felt as if it were an outlet. It was just me. Me having a good time, listening to my favorite music, which always became an extreme outlet for me. I often had a hard time expressing how I felt, and I felt as though my favorite artist did it for me.

           My father was a major factor for me in my life. If the whole world believed I was wrong, my Father would know I was still right. He struggled with an alcohol addiction and sometimes heavy drugs. I loved my father to death. I was young, and it was difficult seeing the man who has raised me, struggle with himself. Little did I know, he would go on to pass me his mental issues. I never thought of it as anything major when I was young. “Everyone gets sad sometimes, right?” I thought. But as I grew older, I began to realize that this was no ordinary sadness. I would experience very manic depressions for a while, and then suddenly be over it and not even know the reason behind the madness.

           Eventually, I was living with only an older sister and a single mother; a woman who somehow always made it happen for us. We did not have the most money growing up, but we always had each other, and I could not be more thankful. We did not always have the newest shoes, but they were still nice, and I liked them. We did not have the fanciest car, but we had one that was reliable. Having my family in such a time of need made me appreciate the person that I am and brought me out of the darkest place. I enjoyed being around them and that made me enjoy being myself. I Started to love being Me. I realized it is not about what you have, but who you have. If I did not have these lovely women, where would I be? From Whom would I receive my words of encouragement, my extra push? If I did not think I could do it, they did. I value these women although they do not know it, they taught me to value myself. I am not who this world may see me as: Just another “black girl”. I’m a beautiful, intelligent, and stunning young woman. I love to help others feel better about themselves because I wish I had someone do it for me while growing up. I want to be that extra push for others. If they feel they do not have it, I want to let them know that they do. Nothing about your struggle will go unseen with this universe. Although I am still teaching myself this aspect, everything will work out the way it is supposed to. You will eventually get that peace that you are chasing, by any means.

           Although I feel as My older sister and I are VERY much different, we are also so much alike in a sense. We have the same sense of humor, but different point of views. These differences are not major due to the fact that we spend almost every waking day seeing each other. We have always been bonded from certain experiences. When we were younger we lived with our aunt and our two cousins. That arrangment brought together many different personalities under one roof. They often fought with each other while me and my sister would sit down and watch tv together, or just simply talk. Although we disagreed a lot, we did not feel the need to yell about it. We left it alone. They were always a bit loud while me and my sister were relaxed. I often stayed to myself because I always saw myself as more of an introvert, I just did not know it yet.

           Being young, having peace may seem almost impossible at times. With school and work constantly on my mind, I feel as though I am carrying the weight of the whole world on my tiny little shoulders. College is not easy by any means, but I always remember to tell myself that it will pay off. I have constant thoughts of a successful future and I will not stop at any means to get to where I want to be. I feel as though school has always been sort of a positive for me. Despite the waking up early for twelve years and being there up to seven hours a day for five days a week, I genuinely enjoyed learning and completing assignments. Even with all the deadlines and added stress school brings me, I like to see myself doing well. I do believe that college is not for everyone, but I personally feel school is my pathway to becoming the relationship therapist I strive to be. Talking out problems and listening to others is something I like to consider a talent of mine. I always give an insight on how others would feel if I did this, or how it would impact them if I made this decision. Even though I am not exactly sure what type of therapist I would like to be, I do know that therapy is something I for sure would love to practice. I love when someone feels as if they can trust me with their deepest darkest secrets or can depend on them to give them helpful advice. To me my future is everything and I feel as though I am very promising when it comes to my goals. If no one else believes I can do it, I know I can, and I will.

           Growing up with many different experiences, I realized that I was always the only person I could rely on. Although it does feel good to discuss the spiderweb going on in my head, I still feel as if I am misunderstood. No matter how much agreeance comes from the conversation, I still never feel completely resolved. My problems are deeper than a “Yeah I feel you” text, or a “Same.” Who do I rely on for that? Myself. I want to be there for people who need someone in their future. I want to make people feel as if they are heard and are never alone with their suffering. Everyone has been through their own types of ordeals no one else would care to understand, but I will. I am very passionate about wanting to make people feel heard. Their voice is not going unnoticed as long as I am around.

           But I often have a reasonable fear. No one is guaranteed a job once they earn a degree. Many have told me that a bachelor’s degree in Psychology barely gets you a job, so I made the decision to earn my masters. Even with a good degree, many people remain unemployed sometimes and it is a very scary thought. The thought of going to school for five to six years, seek employment, and get denied by every place you apply to. I am a strong believer that this degree and these five or six years in school will pay off. I often think about the time in between the degree. What will I be doing? Where will I live 3 years from now while still pursuing my dream job? It is all a mystery to me that will reveal itself and I just know everything will work out for the best.

           Being that I am only 18 years old right now, I feel that I am very ambitious. I have big dreams that I will stop at nothing to fulfill. I know that Psychology is the field for me. Many say they went to college and suddenly found themselves on a completely different track than the one they visualized for themselves, but I honestly do not believe that will be me. I have always loved to talk to people and listen to their emotions, because I feel that there is always something that I can say that will offer the least bit of reassurance. All throughout Middle and High School I loved to help my friends. I feel as though teenagers go through the most behind closed doors. I remember this one friend in particular, my best friend. She struggled with depression and was often mocked for it. I do not have depression, so I had no idea what it was like to constantly question your happiness. But I do know, that I tried as hard as I could to make her forget about all the negatives going on in her life. She was the only friend I needed at the time. We were literally two peas in a pod. Wherever she went, I went. No one could tell me anything about my favorite friend. She came over my house a lot, and we found ourselves laughing endlessly at what felt like nothing. A pure friendship is all I have ever asked for. We were there for each other in time of need. We would never leave the other out in the cold. I was proud to have such an amazing friend.

           Everything was great, up until the summer of my eighth grade year. I was moving, which would mean that I would have to move schools as well. We worried ourselves a bunch, until the time actually came. We promised we would keep in touch, no matter how hard it got at times. But of course, things were not the same. We both met new people and the “out of sight, out of mind” rule somewhat came into play. Of course, we still valued our friendship, but not seeing each other every day took a toll on the friendship. Even though we barely speak, almost five to six years later, that friendship taught me a lot. Everyone goes through their own battles, and everyone deserves to have someone. Before me, she had explained that there was rarely anyone who would just sit down and talk to her or give them the best advice that they could. I am very glad that I got to help someone as long as I could. I never want for anyone to feel empty. I believe that everyone should be heard. Even if it is not what you want to hear, you could still stick around to listen. Now I feel like that is where my desire to be a Counseling Psychologist comes in. I am not in it for the pay, but I am very passionate about emotions, and how much people differ from one another. School was not always the most entertaining thing to me, but it did teach me that you should grow up to do what you love, not what you feel like you have to do.

           I have taught myself to pay attention to my emotions more. If it makes me unhappy, do not do it. If it makes me upset, avoid it. There is nothing better than feeling like you have complete control over your own life. There is nothing dragging you down. You owe it to you to live the best life that you can. Whether it is to grow up and be something that you have always wanted to be, or if being truly happy is your goal, there should be nothing stopping you. Life is full of obstacles, and you have to realize that you will get nowhere if you do not overcome them. It is no walk in the park, however, you will reach your goal in the end, if you ultimately work hard enough. The only thing that can stop you is yourself. If you want it bad enough, you will be motivated. Whether it is internal, or eternal, there is no reason that you should stop working for what you are trying to receive.

What I am getting at is stay motivated. You will get to where you want to be with nothing but hard work and dedication. There will be plenty of distractions on the way, but it is all up to you to make your something out of nothing. The feeling in the end will be worth it. You will be where you want to be, knowing that you worked harder than ever for it.

 Afterword            

Throughout this memoir, I discussed some of the topics about my life that I felt were most important to me, hinting at why this memoir felt a bit important to me. Covering subjects such as growing up, or even what made me the person I am today. These surrounding factors in my life were all important and impacted me in a way that nothing else could, positive or negative. Although I wish I could truly change the negative factors in my life that somehow hindered me in a way, I cannot. So, with that being said, we can only accept what we were given to deal in our lifetime, and make the best of it.