xojessyc

[xojessyc]

The Year of the Rainbow 🌈

New Years Day of 2022 started off as a normal day. My husband and I ran around to five open houses trying to find the home we’d start a family in after months of getting clobbered in an absurd housing market. On this day I was 7 weeks and 6 days pregnant but hardly anyone knew. After a busy afternoon we sat down on the couch to relax. I started to have some pretty severe cramping, worse than any…

[xojessyc]

The 25 Frustrations of Christmas

1.) No one hot or unrelated to you has ever indulged you in a mistletoe-related make out.

2.) The only ugly Christmas sweater you can find is 60 dollars at Urban Outfitters and you simply can not validate spending that kind of money on a top that looks like it was formerly owned by a crack addict.

3.) Christmas songs are instantly overplayed starting the day after Thanksgiving. Silent night…

[xojessyc]

A Preview of Halloween 20-Fourteen

It’s that time of year again, kids!

It seems like just yesterday you were celebrating Labor Day by ripping beer bongs off a 2nd story beach-front deck and cheersing repeatedly to the land of the free. By now the weather has finally cooled off enough that you no longer sweat your ass off in your sleep, and you get to pull all that fall clothing out from the back of your closet, except of course…

[xojessyc]

Why the NFL is a Girl’s Best Friend

Football Season is my favorite season, and has been for a very long time. Founded on August 20, 1920, the NFL has served to help men and women alike transition from their PSD (Post-Summer Depression) into an euphoric state of realization that Autumn provides a shit ton more to look forward to than just pumpkin spice lattes and skimpy costumes. The following is a compilation of reasons you should…

[xojessyc]

9 Reasons to Be Excited About Not Having a Significant Other or a Baby Let’s talk about your current Facebook Newsfeed at any given moment in time. Allow me to guess; baby, baby, baby, engagement ring on a well-manicured hand, baby, baby, a slutty girl taking a selfie, someone’s wedding, a cat doing something cute, baby, baby, and another baby?

[xojessyc]

Drunk Cellular Behaviors

  During my 26 years as a land mammal, I’ve found that alcohol tends to accentuate one’s baseline texting behaviors. Generally speaking, a happy person is a happy texter is a happy drunk texter as well, unless of course they are a whiskey drinker or have several fairly serious inner demons.

Once you and your friends get to know each other better, you may offer to hold one another’s phones after a…

[xojessyc]

Drunk Superpowers

  Foreword: I can’t promise you that I’ll be writing about things that haven’t been written about before, but I can promise you that I am a whole hell of a lot funnier than all of those people, and that mine will likely be better.

Not to condone alcoholism by any means, but sometimes I totally get it. A good buzz makes you feel like you could literally go out and grab life by its big, beautiful…

[xojessyc]

What the Car Says About the Man

What the Car Says About the Man

So you went out two weekends ago and met a guy who has now been texting you every few days. The night of the encounter, you strategically saved his number in your phone as David Black Button-down Duckdive (well, technically: David Blackbutrndinw Dickdive; silly drunk fingers!) because obviously if you include his name + what he was wearing + the name of the bar you met him at, you’ll be far more…

[xojessyc]

The Usual Gym Suspects

The Usual Gym Suspects

The Verbal Procrastinator

This guy manages to spend 2-3 hours at the gym without lifting a single weight. He hovers around several machines simply to kill time until he recognizes someone else he barely knows, and manages to distract them as well.

‘Sup, Kev. Lookin’ big man, keep up the good work.’

‘Hey Tracy, how’s the kids?’ (Tracy doesn’t have any kids.)

His Look:Likely in the 40-55 age-range,…

[xojessyc]

15 Common Airplane Villains

15 Common Airplane Villains

In case you want to see my ugly face instead, knock your socks off:

http://youtu.be/ipWrXARwM80

After a morning of pretty significant rushing around, you’ve finally made it to your gate. You plop down in the aisle seat you selected for the flight; bag beneath the seat in front of you, seatbelt fastened. After tossing in your earbuds and refreshing your Instagram feed, you start to glance around…