xloserfeelingsx

[xloserfeelingsx]

Still Scared

If youre wondering f im stillscred of falling in love the answer is yes I’ve me a boy who is just like truly one of the most beautiful people i’ve met inside and out and im so glad hes in my life the way he is but im afraid that the saying right person but wrong time really applies here, I dont want it to but i think he’s scared of commitment just as much as i am . Why wold i ever think that hed want to date me im the girl you realize yourself with ad boost your ego and then move to someone hotter and marry them but me im the girl you meet in college in literally the worst period to be with someone . Ive chosen to be his friend though and i plan to stick by it, not even for long game purposes but cause i like actually care and want to be there for him when he feels like has no one else. I dont want to fall and I cant fall for this boy, unrequited love sucks and im not gonna be the butt of this joke ever again, maybe hes my karma but fuck thatd really suck if it were 

[xloserfeelingsx]

2020 has arrived

 ok so its a new year and I truly can't believe its the end of a decade is over. In this ten year period which for me felt like millennia is, in fact, the tiniest blip in the grand scheme of things which has me reveling in the fact that i have no idea who I truly am. One can think they're one person one minute and then the next a completely different person. Seriously i get that my teenage years and my early twenties is where i truly define who i am and make some sort of progress in this first world melodrama bullshit crisis I'm having but holy fuck there's so many me’s to choose from, for example, do i want to be the girl who stays away from love after being so hurt by her ex or do i want to be the girl who will fall in love the second he tells me his favorite book. oh and another thing what is this fantasy everyone has with coming to new york finding a quaint little bookshop in manhattan and falling in love with the worker there???? like where can i find that here, i want someone who will read with me but won't me make feel stupid cause i want to read Suzanne collins cause you know Hunger games was an amazing series. Anyways back to the point, do i want to be a straight edge girl who follows the rules and does what's best for everyone or a complete badass who acts on her own accord? Honestly, who says i can't be all of them. Isn't cray how some people literally ooze confidence and those who don't are really chewed up and spit out until they either fake their own confidence or flee.

 Another thing that scares me besides not knowing how i am in my truest form and whether its actually me or the me i want it to be ya know? its love. Love scares the absolute fuck out of me, Jesus i can barely handle my own fragility how am i expected to handle someone else's, i don't want that responsibility, i don't think i can handle the bad that comes with love. past me would call present me a pussy and to man up and handle my emotions and to just let myself fall but the last time i fell i scrapped my knee so i just fill the void with meaningless encounters because the thought of connecting with someone like that again brings back the process of it all especially the landing from the fall.Im also afraid what i would do for love, Love makes people do crazy things, things that they'd never do outside of love. yes, i may have been watching YOU on Netflix lately but still, love is blind and you can't see the wickedness of peoples, true soul, when you're too busy staring at the glimmer in their eyes and the way they laugh at your jokes. Then there's the other side of me that sees the beauty in love and im so afraid that no one will ever love me the way i want to be loved,  am i not deserving of love? i really try not to look for it because in my experience you don't look for love, it comes and finds you . As corny as it sounds fate knows what its doing and maybe this just their plan, be alone for till you someone who really cherishes you and values you for the person you really are. Making this one of the most vicious cycles ive ever really encountered. How is anyone suppose to love me for me when i dont even know i am . What version sells the best? what if they love but not the others? do i just erase those parts of me to become the person of their dreams? What if i only love a version of them?  

im scared for the future but i guess thats the good part. the anticipation is setting me up for failure or gives me the choice not to settle 

i hate being this public but relating to others might give my own insecurities validations 

[xloserfeelingsx]

a libra's confession: scorpios

libra: I can either talk with you guys for hours or i can't talk with you at all.

You're either an angel or a devil, either balanced or unbalanced. Either radical or conservative. Everything about you is always PUSHING THE LIMITS and... I like that. I like the adrenaline I get from just being near you, because whatever you do it's always so daring.

The way you speak, the way you move, the way you breathe - it's either do or die; so demanding, it's simply irresistible. So god damn enchanting, and I can't get you off my mind for hours; your words can sting or they can burn with passion and knowledge, however either way they leave a scar behind.

You're either too much or too little, but even too little is too much, because everything about you is radiating this heat and determination.

Having a Scorpio in a libra's life means: pushing your boundaries every day and leaving your little zone of comfort, so you can Entertain them and thus they will get you high on their extreme way of living live. Living with a scorpio menas being ready for everything and being ready to give everything and being patient about it, because once finished with pushing you to the edge, you'll get to know their loyal side.

(and this will take some time. a lot of time. it'll be a real roller coaster without a safe belt.)

/What are Scorpios to a libra: God damn dauntless and entrancing./

/personal/

[xloserfeelingsx]

dealing with the worst case scenario

your condom breaks

you feel a lump on your breast

your friends are ignoring you

you’re stranded on an island 

you got rejected by a crush

you get into a car accident

you got stung by a bee/wasp

you got fired from your job

you’re in an earthquake

your tattoo gets infected

your house is on fire

you’re lost in the woods

you get arrested abroad

you get robbed

your partner cheated on you

you’re on a ship that’s sinking

you fall into ice

you’re stuck in an elevator

you hit a deer with your car

you have food poisoning

your pet passed away

you fall off of a horse

you or your friend has alcohol poisoning

you have toxic shock syndrome

your house has a gas leak

[xloserfeelingsx]

Call out my name  Another entry in Midnight thoughts

even though it's almost 1 a.m, I cant sleep.Not after what I’ve witnessed and I cant turn off the emotions I'm feeling right now.I just need to see him and that needs to be soon. I miss him. After the way Cesar looked at Monse, I couldn't help but feel intense burning in my chest. I want to be looked at that way. The worst thing is I’ll never know because he only looks at me when I look away. Maybe because my hormones are at its peak an I'm just like any other teen on the face of our planet. When I look at him it feels brand new like he's still my crush and I cant bring up the courage to tell him but then he kisses me and tells me he loves me and I can't help but feel myself falling in love with him.The deeper we kiss the faster time goes by. Time with him feels like the clock lies to me and hides it true numbers in my soul. I've always wanted that fast pace, live for it, Romeo and Juliet type of love,  But now I want my kind of love.The kind of love that I feel for him. It's scary how it changes so fast 

[xloserfeelingsx]

midnight thoughts

as i watch riverdale, watching jughead type so eloquitlty and profoundly and describe his situation it makes me realize how i honestly miss teenage reporting, journaling ,whens the last time you even meet a teen who actually uses their laptop for something more than porn or online shopping?. yeah me either. But i have only my fellow Gen Z kids who let that amazing stereotype die and evolve into something more of a pathetic and shallow shell of its former self. the soft boy asethetic. hey im not here to judge only quietly mourn the loss of a wonderful type of kid in the stereotypical high school regime  Now all we have are vine stars and musicallys who cant even process their own thoughts much less read and process those of others. Honestly when did it become this easy to be this oblivious. You would think more teen journalist would come out of the shadows and cover these tragic events that take place in front of them, its is their peers if i might add.But no , That doesnt mean kids arent making a difference in this country. that just isnt true. kids are making the biggest movement of the year so far. just last week schools around the country are walking out of their classes in solidarity. fucking kids. this is my future, OUR future . im not sure how bright itll be but things can only go up- quote me in 0 years if human life completely deplorals

[xloserfeelingsx]

journal entry 1

Since no one will ever actually find this nor see this it’ll just be my journal. not sure why people cant really take things for what they are, some people just arent good people, they are cant just let it be. but i am one of those people, its confusing but i cant understand myself sometimes, the things i say or do or rather the things i don’t say and do. I’m not very good with my emotions but i am good with others emotions which is odd? i guess but id rather pt my efforts into others than worry about myself and my existential crisis. or how all events are futile and all lead to the same result for every single living organism. or how im gonna crash and burn on the math portion of the Sat in like 5 days. 

i honestly miss reading but no matter how i try i cant get back into a solid routine of reading