xanderposts420 - Tumblr blog

[xanderposts420]

Is it bad that I would willingly let you hurt me again if that meant that we can be together?

[xanderposts420]

I need you, I know you keep hurting me but I can't keep being by myself I don't think. I keep looking to see if you text, I keep looking to see if you're active, even though I know you're probably texting other people still, like you always been. I need you still and I don't know why, I want us to get back together so bad I don't want to sit through all the shit again. I started to take bits and pieces of all the fucking girls that you were talking to I even started texting like that one, and I changed my snap-emoji I don't know if you noticed because I wanted to match that one girl. I lost a lot of weight because of all the other girls you went for or at least two of them, I was going to dye my hair blonde but I wanted black instead. Even though you keep hurting me I still want you, I'm sorry I'm sorry I overreacted I should have expected it so I shouldn't have acted out like that it just hurt cuz you both lied to me and I was still in the hospital when I found out. I'm sorry I'm a bad boyfriend I'm sorry I failed I'm sorry. Everything hurts so bad. Sometimes I like to imagine how it could have been, we both would have been happy I think I don't know. I like to think about that a lot, when I sent you that dollar I thought you would have fixed our streaks but you never did I keep checking though we have less than 24 hours left I don't want the streaks to go away I don't want to lose that. I keep checking though, I wish you would call me. I miss calling, I miss sleeping on call, I just miss it. All of it even if it hurt because in the end of the day I could still say that we were dating even if all the other girls were in the chats I could still say that we were dating because it was on a public profile and everything now I don't have that anymore and I don't have you even though I never did. Although I liked the illusion of it. I love you and I hate you for that but I don't want you to ever quit talking to me even if it hurts because at that point what am I even going on for I know I'm pregnant but I don't care anymore, does that make me selfish? Probably.

[xanderposts420]

I know you will never see this, but it hurts. I don't know what to do. I'm not avoiding you, you just want to act like we never broke up and I'm getting comfortable again. You don't care, I know this. Maybe you do but not for the right things. I gave it my all and literally put you above anything else. You liked it. So I know you don't care, you think we will get back together. I want to. So so bad, I want to. You knew how I felt, both of you lied, then find out more. It hurt. I changed myself so much for you even knowing you would hurt me again. Yet I chose to get high so I couldn't see it when it was happening. You blame me for your problems now, I never blamed you for one that you caused. So it's karma I guess? Even your own mom caught you. You continued to do it. Then act surprised when I got the sceeenshot. You are your own reason this is happening. It hurts me because I want nothing but to make things easy and I just wanted you happy. I cut off anything that ment I had a way out sooner. You knew that. Now you find it funny to watch as I struggle to remake myself and I've noticed you like making things harder. I won't block you though. I can't. We both know that no matter how much it hurts I will still try. You are all I know right now. Are you happy? Is this what you wanted? Did you get it? Did you actually love me or love the attention you got from me, it's the thing I will never know. I want to talk about it. But you don't. I just want to know why you do this. You know it hurts you sat there telling me you didn't know why it hurts when I was crying a day later on call. You know. You know what you do because we have been here before. I didn't break up with you when you did that with your supposed-to-be buddy's girlfriend. I should have, but I didn't. I tried to make it work. Like always. I tried. When it's good it's good, then it's bad and you make me think im over reacting and I won't lie now I can't tell what was wrong with our relationship. Yeah you hurt me in a lot of ways. I think I like the idea of what we could have been. Because I forgive you just im scared to do anything because I know your texting someone. Yet you still act so caring and say your waiting. You cheated 7 times. What is to stop you from anything now? Obviously not if they are taken and obviously not if they are your cousin.

[xanderposts420]

It's the moment you want to die but you want to live at the same time. It's confusing because you say you will kys but you only go half way, it's the part of the break down where you already harmed yourself knowing you didn't want to. Yeah the goal was to die. Don't get me wrong it doesn't look like it but trust me, that was a hope I would go fully through with it. The cutting doesn't look like much, okay? I know. I've got a plan. Did since I was 16. But I'm pregnant. Am I selfish? Maybe. Maybe, I want things I will never have. I want things I will never know. I want the idea of things not the outcome. I'm tired. That's all. I'm just tired. I ask for help but what did I need? I don't know. Everything is fine now. Proof that nothing must have been wrong after all. Funny how it works. I get so scared but when I reach out, there was no need. I'm better at my weird funny then actually trying. I've always been.

[xanderposts420]

Mentally, I'm not okay. It's like an on-and-off thing. I know something is wrong but it isn't wrong long enough for me to know what. It doesn't sound bad I know. But it's getting bad. I went to therapy yesterday. First time in a bit since after foster care. I like the lady I just don't like what I know, how I'm seeing her. I don't even take my OWN mental health seriously. They are wasting time for someone who will.

[xanderposts420]

My girlfriend loves dogs. I joke about her being a dog sometimes, showing treats and such. My god i wish she would treat me like one. You do not know how fast i would be on my knees. Maybe instead of willingly getting on my knees hopefully she would just force me there.

Putting up with my games all day and finally tiring of it....

God, if only.....