xanderposts420

[xanderposts420]

He said at one point that I played this song too much, I kinda wonder if he ever even realized at least for a second how much it reminded me of us.

[xanderposts420]

[xanderposts420]

Today I turn 20. I made it. No friends, no life, and living in my room while I watch the child I can't even raise grow up. I get told this is life. I think I want to die.

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[xanderposts420]

[xanderposts420]

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[xanderposts420]

♛┈⛧┈┈•༶𝑰 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒌 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖༶•┈┈⛧┈♛

[xanderposts420]

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[xanderposts420]

Just mental stuff

I think I want to cry, I made a friend and even downloaded discord for it. They promised me they would help me, I freaked out because I'm me. Instead of being cool about it, I railed them with a paragraph of an emotion I can't even name about how we needed space, I can't have friends, I'm weird and I'm sorry. I seriously regret it because I've been alone for so long it slightly sucks. I don't wake up to notifications or texts. People don't want to do things with me and when they use to I couldn't do anything. I don't even have a job anymore so people will come around for free shit- yes I'm that desperate.

I can't tell what's worse, obsessing over the first nice person or pushing everyone away to live in my own reality. Because I've acknowledged the text was wrong, I already googled it and used ai for the possibilities so the blocking didn't surprise me. I went mental over my ex unadding me on steam but I can't even remember if it was me that removed him or if he left himself. I have no friends, I still live with my parents and my daughter has practically became my sister because nobody cares enough to help me figure out why I can't leave my room, but hey I can sign my rights away to my mom instead- let her fuck up a new kid like that's the smart thing to do. I want to go places, do shit, fuck- suck a dick behind a 7/11 for all I care. I'm almost 20, I have no job and I'm on the verge of running away again because fucking hell man, I'm always on the verge of tears. This isn't life, not the one I wanted anyway.

Really wonder if reincarnation is real or if I'm seriously being delusional now, either way I'm so close to getting an OF or marrying some rando to get out of this hell hole. "But xander what about the baby?"- fuck the kid. It sounds bad but I wasn't mentally able to care for her, I wanted her to go to someone who didn't or couldn't have kids, someone with more then what I had to offer. But the moment my mom picked me up from my ex's house I was threatened with being disowned because i made her so I needed to care for her.

Does it look like I'm caring for anyone right now, I don't even leave my room. I had plans with my foster brother but he never texted back and we were supposed to see him tomorrow. I didn't even care to respond to the 9 missed messages and 2 calls while my phone was in my hand. It doesn't sound like much but this isn't me, this wasn't me. I never use to be like this, I don't even step out on my porch and now simple small talk feel foreign and almost embarrassing due to how awkward it is. Again, this wasn't the life I wanted. Maybe in a different universe I have my shit together and me and my daughter actually made it. Then again all I do is live in a different universe, I won't stay sober long enough to get a clue or read a room but nobody likes me when I'm sober. Literally, nobody like me when I'm sober.

[xanderposts420]

Today I realized nobody actually cares about how I feel or what I do. Not even my own parents. Everything is always my fault, a ruined mother's day, mood, time. I don't even understand what I do wrong anymore when all I do is try to figure out what's different but that's probably what I'm doing wrong. Why do people think taking away things make people feel better or do what they want? Why is leaving the house a luxury? Why does everyone think this shit is normal? I didn't want a psych ward to be the only option but I'm literally left with no choice. I can't even raise my own daughter and all I do is live in my room. My parents know more about here then I do. I'm tired, I'm literally tired, I'm always on the verge of tears and I stopped eating awhile ago but the past two days I haven't ate a thing. Nobody cares here. I'm literally alone and I hate it.

[xanderposts420]

[xanderposts420]

I don't think I exist anymore and I don't know if I'm willing to accept it. It's not that I don't want to, but more like I was expecting something else. Maybe more...?

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