wrstgrl

[wrstgrl]

you idiooot

[wrstgrl]

earlier i was super discouraged from a conversation with my therapist that ended in accepting that the idea of love at first sight isn't really true because, really, i need to know someone longer for that to happen, and if i'm feeling it early, it's just excitement, obsession, mania, whatever it may be, it's not necessarily a true feeling.

after thinking more on it though, this doesn't cancel out the idea of love at first sight. It just means that I have to accept not knowing yet. my feelings are there, but unrecognizable.

[wrstgrl]

the doctor just broke it to me that love at first sight is not real UNLESS you're crazy. so fuck it. i'm sticking with crazy. i'm going off my medication. i'm cancelling therapy.

no one can stop me from falling head over heels.

[wrstgrl]

I'm so thankful that I didn't act on any impulses or like delusional thinking and I'm not sure if it's really delusional thinking. when I get manic I just feel like I get so excited and elated boric confident kind of get a big head. and sometimes I will think that someone close to me is in love with me or that more than one person like is actually secretly attracted to me and I had a specific person in mind that I just couldn't stop thinking about and was so convinced that they liked me and I knew the whole time that I have experienced this before and so I knew the whole time that I should be questioning myself and no matter how true I feel it is taking it with a great assault still enough that I was able to not act on those thoughts to not try to confess or do something absurd and then regret it later because it's not truly how I feel I was just really elated and those other things in the moment. it clicked for me in group supervision that the episode had ended for sure and it had a it occurred to me that I was definitely having an episode at all because there were definitely points that I didn't feel like I was having that but I was also under the influence constantly of substances throughout the entire episode so if I had moments where I was not showing symptoms it could be due to the mix of substances in combination with mania so try to keep that in mind too. but God finally I was just acting normal and participating like normal and supervision and not being weird and it was really nice.

[wrstgrl]

my anxiousness just spiked. literally put me in PAIN.

[wrstgrl]

i should have really started talking on this shit SOONER. it's crazy i avoided letting myself share my thoughts in a place that gives me an alt online identity

[wrstgrl]

i think letting the other person have the last reply is good. i'm just going to let other people end the conversation from now on, it's much less anxiety inducing. it feels like riding a high to give up control. i used to view it as me leaving someone on read or something, but text doesn't have to be an ongoing conversation. it can just be a few exchanges, and then save the dialogue for later in person.

[wrstgrl]

imagine asking me to hang out .-.

[wrstgrl]

i hate when people try to talk to me when i drive though because i can't follow conversation and drive

[wrstgrl]

i think i want to be like REALLY good friends. this type of thing would flop without a foundation, and yes, we've been friends for like 2 years or something, but getting closer only just happened. i know things about her, but I haven't asked. as a friend i think i do have the right to ask, bc she wouldn't bring it up if she didn't want to talk about it

[wrstgrl]

but tbh i would hang out all day any day- as a friend

[wrstgrl]

she did the CLASSIC lean in, /pretend/ we're talking about something really sad so he won't come over and no decent person would interrupt ,,

its not really about the other person but about finding a reason to get close to me, finding a way to breach personal space

[wrstgrl]

i don't want to explore how i feel romantically. it's just too much pressure to be putting on myself. i can't ruin my life right now, i have to at least wait to graduate before i do that

[wrstgrl]

is this girl just playing or is she being cute on purpose

[wrstgrl]

umm she isn't liking my personal posts even though i know she's seeing them ... i can't tell her vibe is so confusing .

[wrstgrl]

some vibe or another

[wrstgrl]

she literally spent her day cleaning her room for me. i literally saw backstage. i think im an idiot if i cant figure this out

EDIT: and SHE SAID NO ONE HAD BEEN IN THERE SINCE HER LAST EX YO