writingbreeze

[writingbreeze]

Ternyata Benar Hidup Itu Perjalanan

Hari ini aku akhirnya berhasil bangkit dari kebingungan yang aku rasakan sebulan yang lalu.

Belakangan ini aku bekerja terlalu keras, sampai di satu titik, aku lupa siapa sebenarnya aku. Pribadi apa yang ingin aku bangun, mimpi apa yang ingin aku capai. Aku terus memikirkan pekerjaan, mengerjakan hal yang menjadi tuntutan orang lain. Bisa dibilang aku menjual pikiran dan energy ku, menjadi budak untuk mencari penghidupan.

Dan ketidaktauan aku lagi terhadap aku menjadi boomerang, karena setelah aku menyadari bahwa aku hampir kehilangan jati diri, aku menjadi tidak bernafsu mengerjakan pekerjaan lain. Aku menjadi berputar-putar di dalam diri dan pikiran ku sendiri mencari jawaban, segala pekerjaan pun menjadi pertanyaan. Tangan dan pikiran pun menjadi melambat.

Sampai akhirnya tadi pagi, setelah perenungan dan me time yang berlarut-larut, aku kembali mengingat siapa aku, apa mimpi ku, apa passion, apa yang aku inginkan dan apa alasan awalku ingin menjalani semua jerih payah dan kesusahan ini. 

Dulu dengan naifnya aku mengira, jika aku tau siapa aku maka pengetahuan ku tersebut bisa selalu ada di dalam pikiran ku, dengan effort ku untuk terus membuat pribadi tersebut semakin kuat. 

Tapi ternyata pengenalan diri tidak bekerja seperti itu. 

Jati diri, cinta diri harus terus diingatkan.  

Membangun diri benar-benar sungguh adalah perjalanan. Tidak bisa selesai dan tidak bisa hanya menjadi pajangan atau memori atau ingatan. 

Percaya diri, kualitas diri, pikiran dan imej tentang diri adalah sesuatu hal yang harus terus di cek kembali, diingatkan, ditelaah dan dievaluasi kembali. 

[writingbreeze]

Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.

(via amargedom)

[writingbreeze]

#2

The biggest trigger that got me poured this thought out on the internet is my struggle dealing with a toxic co-worker. 

Nobody wants to be friends with her. We are on the same team, so I became the one she clings on to. I am a newbie myself, I have a newbie reputation to hold up so I guess I have nothing to do instead of pretending that I am a good teammate.

Her toxicity that I need to deal with is that she always rants and talks negatives about everything. She gossips and talks bad about others. She also always plays victim.

At first it was fun listening to someone’s struggle on the work place. Until it is not anymore. Listening to her rants about her jobs and stuffs for almost 3 hours a day became totally exhausting and even depressing sometimes.

That same attitude goes up to a year now. Affecting my mental state and energy. I become so negative on doing my job. I lost respects to people she talks badly about. I get so tired every time for no reason. I even started to swear and get easily angry if stuff doesn’t work well.

I don’t like this version of me. 

[writingbreeze]

Be Bold

[writingbreeze]

#1

Hello tumblr and internet people.

It never came across my mind that one day I will do journal blog entry on the Internet. I usually keep all of my writings and thoughts just for myself. But here I am writing on tumblr, so let’s just have fun and try something new.

There are a lot of stuff that bothers my mind these days. Work, Project, Tasks, you named it. And there is also me who is trying to show up looking good every day, trying to manage all of my goals at all costs, trying to manage my own expectations so it wouldn’t kill me, trying to manage my time so I can show up at least on time. Trying to maintain my social life to keep me being alive (?), and trying to be responsible yet reliable by replying all of my messages and emails as fast as possible. But even after I tried my best, I still end up feeling left behind.

Is it the world that is moving so fast? or is it me who did this all wrong?

Growing up became so hard that I couldn’t keep it only for myself. 

So why not share it with others? So we can support and laugh at our life’s?

[writingbreeze]

I am glad that my tumblr's feed filled with 5sos content

[writingbreeze]

“It’s all make believe, isn’t it?”

—

[writingbreeze]

““We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems��the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.” I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way. Let our scars fall in love.””

—

[writingbreeze]

“The ultimate meditation is: surrender to reality. The more you fight, the more you are in conflict with it, the more you will be a loser. In deep surrender, the ego disappears. And when the ego is not there, for the first time you become aware of that which has always been there.”

—

[writingbreeze]

““Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison, it’s yourself.””

—

[writingbreeze]

“You make mistakes. Mistakes don’t make you.”

—

[writingbreeze]

I don't know why but I am not seeing myself married in the next 3 years lol

[writingbreeze]

Orang tua ku selalu melarang ku ini dan itu.

Bahkan urusan mandi malam saja, selalu ada saja larangannya.

Melihat ku posting dengan teman, di larang.

Bahkan untuk bercerita apa yang sedang ku lakukan, selalu ada hal yang tak patut di mata mereka.

I want to be anak yang patuh pada orang tua. Tapi dengan larangan yang seekstrim ini, aku jadi selalu merasa bersalah untuk setiap hal yang kulakukan.

Aku jadi seperti butuh acc dari orang lain untuk setiap keputusan hidupku.

Is this okay? Is doing that okay?

Aku takut melakukan kesalahan. Aku tidak pd dengan keputusanku.

My moral compass really di bolak balik, benar benar di ombang ambing.

Itu baru mama.

Kalau papa, papa selalu menganggap remeh apapun pencapaian ku. "Kok begini sih?" "Orang lain sudah bisa x y z, masa kamu bgitu aja tanya?"

LOL

Aku menjadi sangat rendah diri, aku jadi merasa tidak bisa dipercaya, tidak becus.

That's why it is hard for me to open up my heart and have my own family.

I am growing 100% just like my mother. She project all of her insecurities in me. I don't have any other adult role.

I don't understand my father, he never communicate with me. I don't know what a father figure should be like.

Tante dari sisi mama sangat jauh, tante dari sisi papa sangat rasis, aku merasa seperti bukan bagian dari keluarga.

How can i bring my own family if i don't even comfortable living one?

[writingbreeze]

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Haha. Haha. Hahaha.

Aku menertawai kehidupan.

Ironi.

[writingbreeze]

Sick memories

[writingbreeze]

I miss you

[writingbreeze]

I only love you

Aku hanya mencintaimu.

Kata-kata yang sebelumnya aku deny. Tapi setelah ku baca kembali, ya dalam lubuk hati ini memang aku hanya mencintaimu. Akhirnya perlahan aku belajar menerima realita ini.

Gairahku, kesenanganku, senyumku, rinduku terasa hidup jika untuk mu.

Aku harap kamu mengerti bahwa benar aku hanya mencintaimu.